Disquiet, Please! by Remnick, David -- Read -- Imperial Library of Trantor

Index

Cover Title Page Copyright Contents Introduction Couples

The Breaking Up of the Winships / James Thurber The House of Mirth / Peter De Vries The Zagat History of My Last Relationship / Noah Baumbach 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Ex-Wife / David Owen Audio Tour / Patricia Marx Share Our Joy / Larry Doyle

The Flesh Is Weak

Frigidity in Men / E. B. White The New Yorker Advisor / Roger Angell The Whore of Mensa / Woody Allen Artichoke / Polly Frost My Sexual Fantasies / Jim Windolf Aristotle on Relationships / Frank Gannon Four Short Crushes / Paul Simms

Children’s Hours

Stage Father / Calvin Trillin Shiftless Little Loafers / Susan Orlean Recently Discovered Childhood Letters to Santa / Johnny Carson How to Lay Off Your Kids / Carina Chocano Camp Correspondence / Bruce McCall College Essay / Christopher Buckley Inappropriate / Paul Rudnick The Wisdom of Children / Simon Rich Hey, Look / Simon Rich

Animal Crackers

Coyote v. Acme / Ian Frazier What to Do About Sharks / Bruce McCall All I Really Need to Know I Learned by Having My Arms Ripped Off by a Polar Bear / Andrew Barlow Animals All Around Us / Jack Handey The Living Dead / David Sedaris Talking Chimp Gives His First Press Conference / Paul Simms My Dog Is Tom Cruise / Noah Baumbach Aesop in the City / Yoni Brenner Monkey Do / Yoni Brenner Animal Tales / Simon Rich

No Business Like Show Business

Farewell, My Lovely Appetizer / S. J. Perelman Early Morning of a Motion Picture Executive / Thomas Meehan Hollywood in the Fifties / Garrison Keillor Running Through the Wall / Frank Gannon The Envelope, Please: A Viewer’s Guide to the Emmys / Jon Stewart Theatre-Lobby Notices / Andy Borowitz Review / Patricia Marx Studio Script Notes on The Passion / Steve Martin Why We Strike / Larry Doyle

Artists and Authors

Theory and Practice of Editing New Yorker Articles / Wolcott Gibbs Life Cycle of a Literary Genius / E. B. White Complete Guide for Book Reviewers / Ruth Suckow How to Tell a Major Poet from a Minor Poet / E. B. White The Metterling Lists / Woody Allen Without Whose Unfailing Encouragement / H. F. Ellis Jack Schmidt, Arts Administrator / Garrison Keillor England Picks a Poet / Ian Frazier Settling an Old Score / Veronica Geng Unspoken O’Neill / Henry Alford Van Gogh in AOL / Noah Baumbach Picasso Promoting Lady with a Fan / Steve Martin Suitable for Framing / David Sedaris Ideas for Paintings / Jack Handey The Knowledge / Henry Alford

Song of Myself

The Little Hours / Dorothy Parker The Early Essays / Woody Allen I Embrace the New Candor / George W. S. Trow Carbohydrates / Polly Frost Shiksa Goddess / Wendy Wasserstein Lowering My Standards / Jack Handey Suffering Fools Gladly / Andy Borowitz An Announcement / Mark Singer Pledge Drive / Patricia Marx Thin Enough / Ian Frazier Awake / Jenny Allen

Real Imitations

A Visit from Saint Nicholas / James Thurber Intruder in the Dusk / Peter De Vries No Kaddish for Weinstein / Woody Allen Rolled in Rare Bohemian Onyx, Then Vulcanized by Hand / Bruce McCall Oldfinger / Frank Cammuso and Hart Seely The Last Catalogue / John Kenney The Ethicist / Steve Martin Under the Provençal Deadline / Bruce McCall Jewelers’ Caesar / Anthony Lane Class Notes / Ian Frazier Air Pockets / Bruce McCall The Lonely Planet Guide to My Apartment / Jonathan Stern Ask the Optimist! / George Saunders

Testaments and Declarations

The Diary of a Lady / Dorothy Parker The Secret Life of James Thurber / James Thurber End of the Trail / Garrison Keillor My and Ed’s Peace Proposals / Veronica Geng You Missed It / George W. S. Trow A Man Who Can’t Love / George W. S. Trow How I’m Doing / David Owen A Prayer / Paul Simms My Living Will / Paul Rudnick What I’d Say to the Martians / Jack Handey This Is No Game / Jack Handey Proclamation / George Saunders

The Great and the Good

What, Another Legend? / Marshall Brickman The New York Review of Gossip / Marshall Brickman The Bloomsbury Group Live at the Apollo / Ian Frazier Kimberley Solzhenitsyn’s Calendar / Ian Frazier Record Roundup / Veronica Geng Babe Ruth: My Teammate, My Lover / Roger Angell Donald Rumsfeld Orders Breakfast at Denny’s / Frank Gannon What Would Jesus Test-Drive? / Jesse Lichtenstein Intelligent Design / Paul Rudnick Jeeves and W. / Christopher Buckley

Explanations and Advisories

So You’re Going to New York / Robert Benchley A Hard Day at the Office / Peter De Vries A Look at Organized Crime / Woody Allen The People’s Shopper / Garrison Keillor Seek Dwellings for MX / Cathleen Schine Side Effects / Steve Martin Superstring Theory for Dummies / Zev Borow Researchers Say / Ian Frazier Brainteasers: The Aftermath / Don Steinberg A Survey of the Literature / George Saunders Your Table Is Ready / John Kenney Pre-Approved for Platinum / Frank Gannon May We Tell You Our Specials This Evening? / Larry Doyle Getting Started / Bruce McCall I’m Afraid I Have Some Bad News / Larry Doyle How to Operate the Shower Curtain / Ian Frazier

Past Imperfect

No Starch in the Dhoti, S’il Vous Plaît / S. J. Perelman More, and Still More, Memories of the Nineteen-Twenties / Michael J. Arlen The Pickwick Capers / Bruce McCall The Gospel of Debbie / Paul Rudnick 1992 House / Billy Frolick Further Proof That Lincoln Was Gay / Paul Rudnick

Field Notes from All Over

Show Dog / Susan Orlean The Tired Chronicles / Betsy Berne Paranoid Packaging / John Updike Conscientious Consumption / David Brooks The End Matter / Louis Menand The Underminer / Mike Albo and Virginia Heffernan Model Citizens / Nancy Franklin Space Case / Anthony Lane

Personal History

The Night the Bed Fell / James Thurber The Huntress / Wolcott Gibbs One / Peter De Vries Disquiet, Please, We’re Turning! / S. J. Perelman Confessions of a Standup Sausage Eater / Calvin Trillin A Purim Story / Adam Gopnik In the Waiting Room / David Sedaris Tasteless / David Sedaris

Notes on Contributors