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Index
Cover
Title Page
Acknowledgements
Contents
A Note for the Intelligent Reader Who Is Interested in Natural Phenomena.
Dedication
Chapter One: How Billy’s Mother Used to Pull His Leg, Why His Father Could Get Around Fast, and the Only Way in Which Billy Didn’t Want to Resemble Him.
Chapter Two: How Billy Knew the Strange Woman in the Kitchen Wasn’t His Real Mum, the Reflection in the Mirror, Mighty Good Porridge, and No Whistling at the Table.
Chapter Three: Why Billy Dumped His Father’s Good Hangi Stones, What Real Men Don’t Do, An Interesting Natural Phenomenon, and Why Billy Went to Sleep With a Smile on His Face.
Chapter Four: Borborygms and Widdershins; Happy Birthday to Me; Birthday Cake’s Bad for Your Teeth, The Reflection in the Mirror, A Lovely Bit of Puha; and A Hop, Step, and a Jump into Waharoa.
Chapter Five: A Nice Time to be Coming Home; Mr Strap and the School Thumbscrews, Stocks, and Gallows; and The Rawleighs Man.
Chapter Six: Things Are Never Quite What They Seem, Why Cows Like Oil of Wintergreen, and Why Old Smoko Groaned With Voluptuous Pleasure and Shone Like a Bronze Statue.
Chapter Seven: Why Billy Rubbed His Nose With His Foot, Why Old Smoko Wrung the Eel’s Neck, and How Dad Knew the Cows Were Milking Real Well.
Chapter Eight: The Sort of Thing Billy’s Father Liked to Hear, How Bo-Bo Invented Roast Pork and Old Smoko Learned to Read, and Last Night’s Cold Mashed Turnip for Tea.
Chapter Nine: That There Reading and a Pea Under the Mattress, Why Billy Had Feathers Round His Mouth, That There High-Falutin La-Di-Da, and Appropriate Language.
Chapter Ten: Why They Went Out and Caught a Cow in the Dark, Sniffing the Stink Off Burnt Porridge, Why the Rotorua Express Bolted, What Bon Appetit Means, and Why Billy Looked Down at His Feet.
Chapter Eleven: Why Old Smoko Appeared Snarling and Grinding His Teeth, Why Harrietta Wilson’s Father Called Her “Tea-Tree Toes”, and Why the Cows Complained and Did Green Plops.
Chapter Twelve: Why Queen Victoria’s Tea Tasted Funny and Turned Red; Finders, Bailers, and Holders, and What Pigs Find Painful; and How Captain Cook Hooked New Zealand Out of the Sea.
Chapter Thirteen: Why Billy Dangled His Tongue in a Glass of Milk, Why Old Smoko Climbed Well for a Draught Horse, and the Sensitivity of Boar Pigs.
Chapter Fourteen: Why Pigs Cannot Climb Trees, Why Hoary Old Captain Cookers Aren’t Much Chop for Tucker, and the Sulphurous Stink of Hard-Boiled Cabbage.
Chapter Fifteen: Why Billy Had His History Book Open During Arithmetic, Why Pork Chops are Not Good for Growing Boys, and Does Masticating Do You Any Harm?
Chapter Sixteen: Why Old Smoko Frothed, How Mr Strap Whakapohaned the Whole School, and Picking Up the the Cabbage Tree Leaves and Scrubbing the Dunny Seat.
Chapter Seventeen: Why the Parents Regretted Selling Their Children, What Happened to Bert Brute’s Carcass, and the True Story of Mount Te Aroha and the King of the Kaimais.
Chapter Eighteen: Why the Boy Held Doll the Troll in Conversation All Night, What Makes All the Ups and Downs in New Zealand, and How They Knew Which Spur To Go Down.
Chapter Nineteen: How They Sang “Five Little Ducks”, Wiriwiried, Whateroed, and Invented the All Black Haka; Why Mr Strap Walked On His Hands to School; and Who Yelled “Hi-Yo Sylvia”?
Chapter Twenty: What Was the Name of Captain Cook’s Ship?, How to Deal With Offensive Racist Terms, and How They Picked Up Sides for a Game of Footy.
Chapter Twenty-One: What the Little Boy Said About His Mother, Why Mrs Strap Wore an All Black Jersey, and Why Old Smoko Lay Down With All Four Feet in the Air.
Chapter Twenty-Two: Why Billy Said Old Smoko Wouldn’t be Very Reliable, Why Horses Spend So Much Time Laughing, and Why They Have Very Large Hankies.
Chapter Twenty-Three: Why All the Kids Cried and Were Sick of “Home On the Range”, Why Mr Strap Blew His Nose On His Fingers, and Why Billy Said Not to Look In the Mirror.
Chapter Twenty-Four: Insolence Among the Turnips, Why Old Smoko Wanted to Feel More Comfortable, and Why the Thames Mussels and Flounders Taste of Wild Pork.
Chapter Twenty-Five: Funny Bones, Clones, and Clowns, Why Old Smoko Ran Away from Victoria Ruruhi, A Bleached Old Knucklebone for Tea, and the Ancient Ngati Haua Story of a Mad Scientist.
Chapter Twenty-Six: A Bit of New Zealand’s Electoral History, the Etymology of M.P., and Peggy Suggests Drenching the Evil Stepmothers With Oil of Wintergreen.
Chapter Twenty-Seven: A Free Sample From the Rawleighs Man, Why Mr Strap Taught Blanket Stitching and then Algebra, a Message from the Prime Minister, and What the Echo Said.
Chapter Twenty-Eight: What Echoes are Supposed to Do, and Harrietta’s Ancient Story About the the Narcissistic Queen, Her Mirror, and Snow White’s Lungs and Liver.
Chapter Twenty-Nine: Why Everybody Shut Up at What Peggy Said; Why the Dogs Bounced, Barked, Got Scared and Gave In; and Snow White’s Unfortunate Voice and Taste in Music.
Chapter Thirty: Why Snow White Was Pleased to See the Rawleighs Man, Why It Was Lucky that the Prince Was a Bit Clumsy, and Why the Wicked Queen Danced Like a Mad Catherine Wheel.
Chapter Thirty-One: Why Billy’s Dad’s Ribs Rang Like a Peal of Bells, the Time Before Pork Crackling Came to New Zealand, and Reading Old Smoko the Myth of Perseus and Medusa.
Chapter Thirty-Two: Why Maggie Pined at Johnny Bryce, What Billy Saw in the Reflection of the Reflection, and Why He Felt His Toes Start to Warm Up Again.
Chapter Thirty-Three: Why Billy and Old Smoko Had Nightmares, What the Electricity Department Did With the Skinny Skeletons, and How They Knew Mrs Strap Was Not a Gorgon.
Chapter Thirty-Four: How the Railway Tunnel from Waharoa to Tauranga Got Built, Why Billy Tied Himself in a Granny Knot, and What He Was Far Too Young For.
Chapter Thirty-Five: How Billy’s Mum Fumigated Her Kitchen, and the Story That the Older Kids Tell the Little Kids on the School Bus Each Day.
A Concluding Note for the Intelligent Reader Who Is Interested in Natural Phenomena.
Also by Jack Lasenby
Copyright
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