The Agony and the Agony · Raising Your Teenager Without Losing Your Mind by Londergan, Betty -- Read -- Imperial Library of Trantor

Index

ALSO BY BETTY LONDERGAN Title Page Epigraph Dedication Introduction Stage 1: Denial - AGES 12-13, THE PREHYSTERIC ERA

1 - FIRST SIGNS OF ADOLESCENCE AND OTHER HORRORS

ARE THOSE BREASTS?? HAVING “THE TALK” WHY DO YOU THINK THEY CALL THEM ADOLESCENTS? IT’S 11 A.M. DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR TEENAGER IS? SLOTH AND FULL-BODY LETHARGY WHOSE BODY IS IT, ANYWAY?

2 - MOUTH AND LIP DISORDERS OF EARLY ADOLESCENCE

THE NO-FEAR FACTOR HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON’T GO AWAY? THE BUCKWHEAT STOPS HERE THE EXCRUCIATING EMBARRASSMENT OF YOU BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO

3 - IMPENDING ASSAULTS ON PARENTAL SANITY

POP! GOES THE CULTURE ROADKILL ON THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY BIG STUPID CLOTHES / TINY TRASHY CLOTHES SAY CHEESE CONDITIONS VARY: THESE RULES MAY NOT APPLY . . . NO FREE PASSES

Stage 2: Anger - AGES 14-15, THE FEUDAL AGE

4 - THE MINEFIELDS

THE PERFECT STORM I’M NOT SHOUTING, YOU’RE SHOUTING! THEIR NEED TO HIDE VERSUS YOUR NEED TO PRY BOUNDARY VIOLATIONS WHAT’S LOGIC GOT TO DO WITH IT? SHUT UP! AND OTHER VERBAL ATROCITIES

5 - OH, THE SNEAKY, UNDERHANDED THINGS THEY’LL DO

LYING, SNEAKING, AND MISBEHAVING: THE TEEN TRIFECTA SEX: TO HAVE OR NOT TO HAVE? (IT’S NOT YOUR QUESTION) SEX AND EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENTS SEX AND COMING OUT BAD FRIENDS MIND- AND LIFE-ALTERING SUBSTANCES RESPECTING THEIR PRIVACY (AND OTHER OVERRATED VIRTUES)

6 - COPING MECHANISMS

THREATS AND THE THREATENING THREATENERS WHO USE THEM THE TRUTH ABOUT CONSEQUENCES THE TAKE-AWAY ON TAKING STUFF AWAY JUST WALK AWAY, RENEE . . . ARE THEY DOING THIS ON PURPOSE?

Stage 3: Depression - AGES 12-18, THE HELLACIOUS PERIOD

7 - “WORST-CASE SCENARIO” IS SUGARCOATING IT

WHEN BAD KIDS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE IT’S THE EXPECTATIONS, STUPID WHY CAN’T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG? TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR DEPRESSION

8 - WHY BOTHER?

CAUTION: ZERO-GRATITUDE ZONE THE UNKNOWABLE TEEN MIND PARENTS ARE FROM VENUS; TEENS ARE FROM THAT NEW PLANET BEYOND PLUTO MAKING THE GRADE(S) YOUR WORK HERE IS DONE YOU ARE TOO OLD FOR THIS

9 - LIGHTS AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL

WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS “TELL ME ABOUT THE RABBITS, GEORGE” CHANNEL YOUR INNER THELMA (OR LOUISE) HAPPY THOUGHTS: THEY’RE TOTALLY DIFFERENT AWAY FROM HOME

Stage 4: Bargaining - AGES 16-17, THE SEISMIC ERA

10 - GROUND RULES

LET’S MAKE A DEAL CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES (AND BATTLEFIELDS) YOU REALLY CAN’T MAKE THEM DO ANYTHING HOW I CHANGED MY MIND ABOUT CONSISTENCY THE VOICES IN YOUR HEAD ARE RIGHT . . . NO, THEY’RE NOT!

11 - HURDLES ON THE TRACK TO CONSENSUS

CUTTING OFF YOUR NOSE TO SPITE YOUR FACE AND OTHER UNATTRACTIVE TEEN TRAITS WHEN DID I BECOME ANITA BRYANT? THE FEAR OF THINKING TOO MUCH HALF-ASSEDNESS THE MYTH OF PARENTAL SOLIDARITY

12 - HOW TO QUID-PRO-QUO LIKE A PRO

APPROPRIATE PARENTAL RESPONSE TO ALL OF THE ABOVE MOVE TO THE SOLUTION THEY DON’T HAVE TO LIKE YOU YOUR SECRET WEAPON: A MOTHER’S INTUITION TRY A LITTLE TENDERNESS

Stage 5: Acceptance - AGE 18, THE GLADIT’SOVER EPOCH

13 - BLINDING FLASHES OF THE OBVIOUS

YOU ARE NOT THEM / THEY ARE NOT YOU EVERYTHING IS NOT POSSIBLE YOU CAN BE REPLACED A FEW THINGS TO LIVE FOR ANNOYING PARENTAL TASKS YOU’LL NEVER HAVE TO DO AGAIN ASK NOT FOR WHOM THE WOLF WHISTLES. . . . FOR IT IS NOT YOU

14 - THE BEAUTY OF PERSPECTIVE

PEAKING IN HIGH SCHOOL AND OTHER PERILS OF PERFECTION OF COURSE THEY’RE GOING TO GET INTO COLLEGE BOOMER AMNESIA THEY STILL HEAR YOU PRACTICE THIS MANTRA: SUCKS TO BE YOU

15 - THE PROMISED LAND

SPACE: THE FINAL FRONTIER REINVENTING YOUR LIFE LET THE UNIVERSE HANDLE IT THE ROAD TO HAPPINESS THEY NEVER REALLY LEAVE

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