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Index
ALSO BY BETTY LONDERGAN
Title Page
Epigraph
Dedication
Introduction
Stage 1: Denial - AGES 12-13, THE PREHYSTERIC ERA
1 - FIRST SIGNS OF ADOLESCENCE AND OTHER HORRORS
ARE THOSE BREASTS??
HAVING “THE TALK”
WHY DO YOU THINK THEY CALL THEM ADOLESCENTS?
IT’S 11 A.M. DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOUR TEENAGER IS?
SLOTH AND FULL-BODY LETHARGY
WHOSE BODY IS IT, ANYWAY?
2 - MOUTH AND LIP DISORDERS OF EARLY ADOLESCENCE
THE NO-FEAR FACTOR
HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON’T GO AWAY?
THE BUCKWHEAT STOPS HERE
THE EXCRUCIATING EMBARRASSMENT OF YOU
BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO
3 - IMPENDING ASSAULTS ON PARENTAL SANITY
POP! GOES THE CULTURE
ROADKILL ON THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY
BIG STUPID CLOTHES / TINY TRASHY CLOTHES
SAY CHEESE
CONDITIONS VARY: THESE RULES MAY NOT APPLY . . .
NO FREE PASSES
Stage 2: Anger - AGES 14-15, THE FEUDAL AGE
4 - THE MINEFIELDS
THE PERFECT STORM
I’M NOT SHOUTING, YOU’RE SHOUTING!
THEIR NEED TO HIDE VERSUS YOUR NEED TO PRY
BOUNDARY VIOLATIONS
WHAT’S LOGIC GOT TO DO WITH IT?
SHUT UP! AND OTHER VERBAL ATROCITIES
5 - OH, THE SNEAKY, UNDERHANDED THINGS THEY’LL DO
LYING, SNEAKING, AND MISBEHAVING: THE TEEN TRIFECTA
SEX: TO HAVE OR NOT TO HAVE? (IT’S NOT YOUR QUESTION)
SEX AND EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENTS
SEX AND COMING OUT
BAD FRIENDS
MIND- AND LIFE-ALTERING SUBSTANCES
RESPECTING THEIR PRIVACY (AND OTHER OVERRATED VIRTUES)
6 - COPING MECHANISMS
THREATS AND THE THREATENING THREATENERS WHO USE THEM
THE TRUTH ABOUT CONSEQUENCES
THE TAKE-AWAY ON TAKING STUFF AWAY
JUST WALK AWAY, RENEE . . .
ARE THEY DOING THIS ON PURPOSE?
Stage 3: Depression - AGES 12-18, THE HELLACIOUS PERIOD
7 - “WORST-CASE SCENARIO” IS SUGARCOATING IT
WHEN BAD KIDS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
IT’S THE EXPECTATIONS, STUPID
WHY CAN’T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?
TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR DEPRESSION
8 - WHY BOTHER?
CAUTION: ZERO-GRATITUDE ZONE
THE UNKNOWABLE TEEN MIND
PARENTS ARE FROM VENUS; TEENS ARE FROM THAT NEW PLANET BEYOND PLUTO
MAKING THE GRADE(S)
YOUR WORK HERE IS DONE
YOU ARE TOO OLD FOR THIS
9 - LIGHTS AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL
WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS
“TELL ME ABOUT THE RABBITS, GEORGE”
CHANNEL YOUR INNER THELMA (OR LOUISE)
HAPPY THOUGHTS: THEY’RE TOTALLY DIFFERENT AWAY FROM HOME
Stage 4: Bargaining - AGES 16-17, THE SEISMIC ERA
10 - GROUND RULES
LET’S MAKE A DEAL
CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES (AND BATTLEFIELDS)
YOU REALLY CAN’T MAKE THEM DO ANYTHING
HOW I CHANGED MY MIND ABOUT CONSISTENCY
THE VOICES IN YOUR HEAD ARE RIGHT . . . NO, THEY’RE NOT!
11 - HURDLES ON THE TRACK TO CONSENSUS
CUTTING OFF YOUR NOSE TO SPITE YOUR FACE AND OTHER UNATTRACTIVE TEEN TRAITS
WHEN DID I BECOME ANITA BRYANT?
THE FEAR OF THINKING TOO MUCH
HALF-ASSEDNESS
THE MYTH OF PARENTAL SOLIDARITY
12 - HOW TO QUID-PRO-QUO LIKE A PRO
APPROPRIATE PARENTAL RESPONSE TO ALL OF THE ABOVE
MOVE TO THE SOLUTION
THEY DON’T HAVE TO LIKE YOU
YOUR SECRET WEAPON: A MOTHER’S INTUITION
TRY A LITTLE TENDERNESS
Stage 5: Acceptance - AGE 18, THE GLADIT’SOVER EPOCH
13 - BLINDING FLASHES OF THE OBVIOUS
YOU ARE NOT THEM / THEY ARE NOT YOU
EVERYTHING IS NOT POSSIBLE
YOU CAN BE REPLACED
A FEW THINGS TO LIVE FOR
ANNOYING PARENTAL TASKS YOU’LL NEVER HAVE TO DO AGAIN
ASK NOT FOR WHOM THE WOLF WHISTLES. . . . FOR IT IS NOT YOU
14 - THE BEAUTY OF PERSPECTIVE
PEAKING IN HIGH SCHOOL AND OTHER PERILS OF PERFECTION
OF COURSE THEY’RE GOING TO GET INTO COLLEGE
BOOMER AMNESIA
THEY STILL HEAR YOU
PRACTICE THIS MANTRA: SUCKS TO BE YOU
15 - THE PROMISED LAND
SPACE: THE FINAL FRONTIER
REINVENTING YOUR LIFE
LET THE UNIVERSE HANDLE IT
THE ROAD TO HAPPINESS
THEY NEVER REALLY LEAVE
Acknowledgements
INDEX
Copyright Page
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