The Erma Bombeck Collection · if Life Is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?, Motherhood, and the Grass Is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank by Bombeck, Erma -- Read -- Imperial Library of Trantor

Index

Title Page Contents If Life Is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?

Title Page Dedication Contents Introduction A Pair of White Socks in a Pantyhose World 1. If You Thought the Wedding Was Bad ... 2. The Mother Mystique

Who Is I. Dunno? At What Age Is a Child Capable of Dressing Himself? Haven't I Always Loved Whatshisname Best? "Why Can't We Have Our Own Apartment?" Is There a Life After Mine? "Why Can't Our Average Little Family Get Their Own TV Series?"

3. Who Killed Apple Pie?

Primer for Imaginative Children

4. The Varicose Open 5. Profile of a Martyress

Profile of a Martyr

6. "Have a Good Day" 7. "Warning: Families May Be Dangerous to Your Health" 8. There Ought to Be a Law ...

A Baby's Bill of Rights The Hernia Amendment to the National Anthem Kissing by Mutual Ratification Search and Seizure Rights in the Laundry Room Regulation of Interstate Shopping Cart Traffic Truth in Fair Packaging of Children Constitutionality of Drive-in Windows Are Family Vacations Legal? Illegal Possession of Junk Food The Right to Declare War Register Camera Nuts

9. "Gametime"

Joe Carter's Jubilance and Excitement Seminar

10. Fashions and Fads That Underwhelmed Me 11. How to Speak Child Fluently

Things My Mother Taught Me

12. "Travel Is So Broadening I Bought a Maternity Dress to Wear Home" 13. The Trick Is Knowing When to Laugh...

Microphones No One Wins The Unmailed Letter Killing Your Mother

14. I'm Laughing So Hard I Can't Stop Crying

When Did I Become the Mother and the Mother Become the Child? Mike and the Grass My Turn Beauty "You Don't Love Me" Are You Listening? The Chimes

Epilogue

Motherhood

Title Page Dedication Contents Introduction 1. So You Want to Be a Mother? 2. Donna (Donna Reed Show), Harriet (Ozzie and Harriet), Barbara (Leave It to Beaver), Shirley (Partridge Family), Marjorie (Make Room for Daddy), Jane (Father Knows Best), Florence (The Brady Bunch) 3. Frank 4. Connie 5. Everybody Else's Mother 6. The First Day of School for "The Baby" 7. Pacifier Pioneers 8. Who Are Harder to Raise--Boys or Girls? 9. Donna 10. Hair 11. Sharon 12. Louise and Estelle 13. How I Spent My Summer by Laura Parsons. Age 11 14. The Five Greatest American Fiction Writers of All Time (Who Just Happen to Be Mothers) 15. Julie 16. The Special Mother 17. Ginny 18. ¿Se Habla English? 19. Dottie 20. Two Be or Not Two Be 21. Brooke 22. Born to Crisis 23. Cora 24. Stepmothers with Bad P.R.

Snow White's Stepmother Cinderella's Stepmother Hansel and Gretel's Stepmother

25. Pat 26. Five Classic Motherhood Speeches

1. "Why you cannot have a snake for a pet." 2. "So you've decided to pierce your ears." 3. "Do you know what time it is?" 4. "You want to borrow my WHAT?" 5. "Don't pretend you don't know what this is all about. YOU know!"

27. Sarah 28. Motherese

Oldies but Goodies On Age Guilt Grabbers Great Exit Lines Philosophical Bon-Bons

29. Janet 30. If You Can't Stand the Heat...Turn Off the Stove 31. "Every Puppy Should Have a Boy" 32. Treva 33. Anonymous 34. "Don't You Dare Bleed on Mom's Breakfast" 35. "Is Anyone Home?" 36. Primer of Guilt "Bless Me, Everybody, for I Have Sinned" 37. Rose 38. "Do I Have to Use My Own Money?" 39. The Spirit of Christmas...and Other Expenses 40. Mary 41. Ethel 42. Erma Epilogue

The Grass is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank

Title Page Dedication Contents Foreword 1. Station Wagons ... Ho!

Staking Out a Claim Lot No. 15436 ... Where Are You? The Original Settlers The Telephone Representative The Insurance Salesman The Antique Dealer

2. Major Battles Fought in the Suburbs

Finding the Builder Who Built the House (1945-1954) The Second-Car Ten-Day War Getting Sex Out of the Schools and Back into the Gutter Where It Belongs Saving the Recession from a Depression The Picture Window The Suburban Lawn Barbie and Ken

3. The Great Plastic Rush

"You Will Come to My Home Party"

4. Hazards of Suburban Living

The Car Pool Crouch The Neighborhood Nomad The Elusive Washer Repairman Trick Or Treat ... Sweetheart The Identity Crisis

5. The Heartbreak of Psuburbaniasis

The Seven-Inch Plague The Suburban Myth Hosting a Famine

6. Ya Got Trouble 7. It Comes with the Territory

Loneliness The Pampered Dog The Garage Sale

8. Law and Order

Suburbian Gems Police Blotter

9. Put Your Winnebagos into a Circle and Fight 10. Super Mom! 11. The Volunteer Brigade

Crossword Puzzle "I Am Your Playground Supervisor" Wanda Wentworth; Schoolbus Driver Ralph Corlis, The Coach Who Played to Lose Confessions of an Officer in the Girl Scout Cookie Corps

12. "By God, We're Going to Be a Close-Knit Family if I Have to Chain You to the Bed!"

The Frozen Kiosk Starving to Death at the Spiritual Family Feast

13. Postscript to Suburbian Gems

A Biography of Erma Bombeck Copyright

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