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Imperial Library
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Index
Title Page
Table of Contents
1 - Taking the Class Out of Yoga
2 - When Underwear Jokes Bomb, the Terrorists Win
3 - Movie To-Do List: Cook Like Julia, Adopt Really Big Kid
4 - Kiosk Bee-otch Makes Mall Trip Treacherous
5 - Moral Fiber Can’t Help Your Colon
6 - Twitter Woes: I’ve Got Plenty of Characters, Just No Character
7 - Bitter! Party of Me
8 - Road Trip to Nuh-what-kah Rouses Suspicions
9 - Breakfast with Fabolous
10 - Loonies Litter Landscape of (snicker) The Learning Channel
11 - You Know You Want It: Snuggie’s Embrace Will Melt You
12 - Happy 50th Birthday, Barbie! Midge Has Your Back (Stabbed)
13 - Charlie Bit Your Finger? Good
14 - Chinese Bachelors Would Be Lucky to Find Cougar
15 - Crappy Science Fair Didn’t Even Have Any Rides
16 - What’s Farsi for “Stay Outta My Love Life”?
17 - Give Us Your Poor, Your Tired, Your Kinda Creepy Masses
18 - Bad Economy Waste-es My Time and Disgust-es Me
19 - Menopause Spurs Thoughts of Death and Turkey
20 - “Arf! Arf! I Just Ate My Own Shit!”
21 - Meat’normous? Now That’s Just Wrong
22 - I Dreamed A Dream That My Lashes Were Long
23 - Marriage in Three Acts
Act I
Act II
Act III
24 - Politically Correct: A Palin/La Toya Ticket
25 - Animal Tales and One Stupid Human Trick
26 - Lost in Space
27 - She Drives Me Crazy (Shaving Time Off the Commute)
28 - Teen Angel
Also by Celia Rivenbark
Praise for You Can’t Drink All Day If You Don’t Start in the Morning
Acknowledgments
Copyright Page
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