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Imperial Library
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Index
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Contents
Epigraph
Introduction: You’d Have to Be Crazy to Want This Job
George Washington: Cannot Tell a Lie: You’re in for a World of Pain
John Adams: The Cerebral Assassin
Thomas Jefferson: Just Invented Six Different Devices That Can Kill You
James Madison: Will Go Medieval on Anything Below Your Bellybutton
James Monroe: Would Like to Welcome You to the Era of Nightmarish Pain
John Quincy Adams: Is the Ugliest President Ever to Beat You to Death
Andrew “Old Hickory” Jackson: Is a War Hero Who Will “Old Kickory” Your Ass
Martin Van Buren: Is Ready to Fox You Up
William Henry Harrison: Is Going to Kick Your Ass So Hard He—Oh, Shit, He’s Already Dead
John Tyler: Wants to “Accidentally” Put His Foot Up Your Ass
James K. Polk: Is Ready to Polk Your Eyes Out
Zachary Taylor: Is Ready to Play Rough
Millard Fillmore: One of Our Most Millard Fillmore-esque Presidents
Franklin Pierce: Is the Franklin Pierce of Fighting, Which Is to Say, He Is a Bad Fighter
James Buchanan’s: Whole Strategy Revolves Around Waiting for You to Split in Two and Fight Yourself
Abraham Lincoln: Is Like a Slave-Freeing Mr. Fantastic in a Sweet Beard
Andrew Johnson: President Underdog
Ulysses S. Grant: Is the Drunken, Angry John McClane of Presidents
Rutherford B. Hayes: Is Bad at Losing
James Garfield: Is Ambi-kick-your-ass-strous
Interlude: Assembling Your Presidential A-Team
Chester A. Arthur: President Supervillain
Grover Cleveland: Is a Sneaky Brick Wall of Pain
Benjamin Harrison: The Human Iceberg
William McKinley: Is Big, Mad, and Hungry as Hell
Teddy Roosevelt: Will Speak Softly and Beat the Shit Out of You
William “The Eatin’ Cretin” Taft: Will Devour the Competition, And 27 Other Fat Jokes
Woodrow Wilson: Will Claim to “Keep You Out of Pain” and Then Totally Put You in Pain
Warren G. Harding: Is Desperate to Prove He’s Good at Something
Calvin Coolidge: The Silent Killer
Herbert Hoover: Is the Rambo of Presidents
Franklin Delano Roosevelt: Rolling Thunder
If You Can’t Take Harry Truman’s Heat, Stop Getting Punched by Him
Dwight D. Eisenhower: Only Knows How to Fight and Be President
John F. Kennedy: Will Knock Your Ass Back, and to the Left
Lyndon Johnson: The Puppet Master
Richard Nixon: The Sweatiest Thing to Punch Another Thing Since George Foreman Boxed a Grizzly Bear in a Sauna
Gerald Ford: Can’t Fight You Until He Finishes His Battle with Gravity
Ronald Reagan: Is Like a John Wayne and Wolverine Hybrid
Bonus Chapter: Zombie Theodore Roosevelt
Conclusion
Acknowledgments
About the Author
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