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Index
Cover
Other Books by This Author
Title Page
Copyright
Contents
Introduction
A Few Words About the Title
Politically Correct
Let’s Get Physical
My Final Answer Is … Go Back to Your Spaceship, Regis
Rubber-Band Man
From Now On, Let Women Kill Their Own Spiders
Here’s Mud in Your Eye
Eye of the Beholder
Fore!
Fore! II
Another Road Hog with Too Much Oink
Bon Appétit
Road Warrior
Weird Science
The Tool Man
The Toilet Police
Smuggler’s Blues
Head to Head
Gone to the Dogs
The Nose Knows
Missing in Action
Why Abe Was a Geek
Rock of Ages
Mr. Language Person on Nitches, Yores, and Defective Sea Lions
Caught Between a Czech and a Slovakia
Parlez-Vous Français?
An Aesthetically Challenged American in Paris (Part II)
A Blatant Case of Slanted Journalism
Prison is Deductible
How to Handle the IRS
Coffee, Tea, or Dried Wood Chips?
Betting on the Ponies
My Son’s College Apartment Has a Pleasant Pepperoni Motif
The Gulf Between Father and Son is Called “Quantum Physics”
“Day Trading for Dummies,” Including Nap Times, Bankruptcy Laws
Stay Tuned to FearPlex, for More Panic All Day, Every Day
The Wait for the Tub Is Forever Since the Frogs Moved In
A Titanic Splash (Again)
Blair Witch Mystery Solved: The Seal Did It
A Rolling Stone
Decaf Poopacino
Good for What Ails You
A Critic, a Crocodile, and a Kubrick—Voilà!
Grammar: De Letter of De Law
The Unfriendly Skies
The Sky is Falling
Pine Sap Transfusions Could Save Your Christmas Tree’s Life
Don’t Eat the Muskrats or the Poinsettia au Gratin
Everything I Know About Dieting I Learned on Leeza
The Banzai Chef
Turkey Day
Independence Day
High-Fivin’, Bosom-Ogling Soccer Lizard Must Die!
Build Yourself a Killer Bod with Killer Bees
High-Tech Twinkie Wars Will Be No Picnic
Be an Internet Millionaire, and we May Like You
This Real Man Can Drive Any Truck Named Tonka
Wrestling’s First Rule: Cover Your “Masculine Region”
You Don’t Wanna Know What’s Under His Hood
The Boob Tube
And Don’t Forget … Tassels for All the Generals
A Watchdog Never Drops His Guard-Except for Dessert
Nuke the Stalker Sparrow That Fowled Fabio
Batman to the Rescue
The Fountain of Youth
He Would Flee Bosoms, But His Car Is Booted
The Birth of Wail
Survival of Mankind Rides on the Successful Pickup Line
Baby Hormones Have Taken Over My Wife, and All I Can Say Is “Waaah!”
Today’s Baby Showers Require an Ark to Haul Home the Loot
Labor Dispute
Voyage of the Stuffed
My Workday: Nap, Toenail inspection, Nap, Underwear Check, Nap
About the Author
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