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Index
Contents Foreword Introduction
Why This Book? How This Book Will Help You
Chapter 1: What Does It Mean to Be Assertive?
Five Skills of Assertiveness
Self-Reflection Self-Awareness Self-Soothing Self-Expression Self-Expansion
Chapter 2: Attachment, Emotions, and Assertiveness
Looking Through an Attachment Lens
Three Attachment Styles
Differentiation
Low-Level Differentiation High-Level Differentiation What Does Differentiation Have to Do with Assertiveness?
The Intersection of Attachment Style and Differentiation Attachment, Differentiation, and Assertiveness
Anxious Attachment Style Avoidant Attachment Style Secure Attachment Style
Emotions and Assertiveness
The Cost of Avoiding Emotions and Assertiveness The Benefits of Cultivating Emotional Awareness Feelings, Thoughts, Needs, Wants
Chapter 3: Barriers to Assertive Communication
Fear of Disconnection Cultural and Social Factors
Ladder and Field Models False Dichotomy: From Either/Or to Both/And
Barriers to Assertiveness Can Be Overcome
Chapter 4: Self-Reflection: Exploring Your Relationship Patterns
Connecting the Past with Present
My Early Attachment History Exploring Your Early Attachment History
What are your earliest childhood memories? What stories are told about you as a young child? Which five words best describe your mother? Which five words best describe your father? How would you describe your relationship with your father? How would you describe your relationship with your mother? Think of a time in your childhood when you were hurt or sick. Who did you go to for comfort? When you were a child, were there any other adults who cared for you?
Integration Attachment Wounds Emotional Rules Gender Messages Connecting Your Past with Your Present
Chapter 5: Self-Awareness: Identifying Emotions
Identifying Your Emotions Primary and Secondary Emotions Sorting Thoughts and Feelings Emotional Intelligence
Chapter 6: Self-Soothing: Mindfulness and Emotional Management
Practicing Mindfulness Finding Your Wise Mind Cultivating Self-Compassion Developing Shame Resilience Separating Meaning from Fact Emotional Management Skills and Attachment Style
Chapter 7: Self-Expression: Doormat, Sword, and Lantern
The Doormat The Sword The Lantern
Soft Start-up Cultivating Empathy
Moving from Doormat or Sword to Lantern
Chapter 8: Self-Expression: Setting Strong Boundaries
Strategies for Starting a Difficult Conversation
Time It Right Seek Permission Keep It Private Put Down Your Crystal Ball Breathe, Just Breathe Push the Pause Button
Strategies for Getting Your Message Across
Use More Than Words Build a Strong Fence Practice Saying No
Why It’s Hard to Say No Why No Is Important Finding the Words to Say No
Receive the Gift of Resentment Stand Your Ground Respect Others’ Boundaries
Formula for Assertive Communication
How to Make Assertive Requests OSCAR: Assertiveness in Action
OSCAR Examples
Practice Makes “Good Enough” When Your Boundaries Aren’t Respected
Chapter 9: Self-Expansion: Holding the Lantern
Self-Reflection Brings Clarity Self-Awareness Develops to Confidence Self-Soothing Results in Calmness Self-Expression Enables More Connection Self-Expansion Grows Compassion
Acknowledgments Recommended Reading References
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