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Index
Contents
Foreword
Introduction
Why This Book?
How This Book Will Help You
Chapter 1: What Does It Mean to Be Assertive?
Five Skills of Assertiveness
Self-Reflection
Self-Awareness
Self-Soothing
Self-Expression
Self-Expansion
Chapter 2: Attachment, Emotions, and Assertiveness
Looking Through an Attachment Lens
Three Attachment Styles
Differentiation
Low-Level Differentiation
High-Level Differentiation
What Does Differentiation Have to Do with Assertiveness?
The Intersection of Attachment Style and Differentiation
Attachment, Differentiation, and Assertiveness
Anxious Attachment Style
Avoidant Attachment Style
Secure Attachment Style
Emotions and Assertiveness
The Cost of Avoiding Emotions and Assertiveness
The Benefits of Cultivating Emotional Awareness
Feelings, Thoughts, Needs, Wants
Chapter 3: Barriers to Assertive Communication
Fear of Disconnection
Cultural and Social Factors
Ladder and Field Models
False Dichotomy: From Either/Or to Both/And
Barriers to Assertiveness Can Be Overcome
Chapter 4: Self-Reflection: Exploring Your Relationship Patterns
Connecting the Past with Present
My Early Attachment History
Exploring Your Early Attachment History
What are your earliest childhood memories?
What stories are told about you as a young child?
Which five words best describe your mother?
Which five words best describe your father?
How would you describe your relationship with your father?
How would you describe your relationship with your mother?
Think of a time in your childhood when you were hurt or sick. Who did you go to for comfort?
When you were a child, were there any other adults who cared for you?
Integration
Attachment Wounds
Emotional Rules
Gender Messages
Connecting Your Past with Your Present
Chapter 5: Self-Awareness: Identifying Emotions
Identifying Your Emotions
Primary and Secondary Emotions
Sorting Thoughts and Feelings
Emotional Intelligence
Chapter 6: Self-Soothing: Mindfulness and Emotional Management
Practicing Mindfulness
Finding Your Wise Mind
Cultivating Self-Compassion
Developing Shame Resilience
Separating Meaning from Fact
Emotional Management Skills and Attachment Style
Chapter 7: Self-Expression: Doormat, Sword, and Lantern
The Doormat
The Sword
The Lantern
Soft Start-up
Cultivating Empathy
Moving from Doormat or Sword to Lantern
Chapter 8: Self-Expression: Setting Strong Boundaries
Strategies for Starting a Difficult Conversation
Time It Right
Seek Permission
Keep It Private
Put Down Your Crystal Ball
Breathe, Just Breathe
Push the Pause Button
Strategies for Getting Your Message Across
Use More Than Words
Build a Strong Fence
Practice Saying No
Why It’s Hard to Say No
Why No Is Important
Finding the Words to Say No
Receive the Gift of Resentment
Stand Your Ground
Respect Others’ Boundaries
Formula for Assertive Communication
How to Make Assertive Requests
OSCAR: Assertiveness in Action
OSCAR Examples
Practice Makes “Good Enough”
When Your Boundaries Aren’t Respected
Chapter 9: Self-Expansion: Holding the Lantern
Self-Reflection Brings Clarity
Self-Awareness Develops to Confidence
Self-Soothing Results in Calmness
Self-Expression Enables More Connection
Self-Expansion Grows Compassion
Acknowledgments
Recommended Reading
References
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