You Just Don't Understand · Women and Men in Conversation by Tannen, Deborah -- Read -- Imperial Library of Trantor

Index

CONTENTS ACKNOWLEDGMENTS PREFACE ONE: Different Words, Different Worlds

INTIMACY AND INDEPENDENCE ASYMMETRIES FRAMING THE MODERN FACE OF CHIVALRY THE PROTECTIVE FRAME DIFFERENT MEANS TO THE SAME END WHO'S DECEPTIVE? MIXED JUDGMENTS AND MISJUDGMENTS IN PURSUIT OF FREEDOM MALE-FEMALE CONVERSATION IS CROSS-CULTURAL COMMUNICATION IT BEGINS AT THE BEGINNING THE KEY Is UNDERSTANDING

TWO: Asymmetries: Women and Men Talking at Cross-purposes

"THEY'RE MY TROUBLES—NOT YOURS" "I'LL FIX IT FOR YOU" PARALLEL TRACKS MATCHING TROUBLES A DIFFERENT SYMMETRY "DON'T ASK" "I'LL FIX IT IF IT KILLS ME" "I'LL HELP YOU IF IT KILLS YOU" "TRUST ME" "BE NICE" OVERLAPPING MOTIVATIONS THE VIEW FROM A DIFFERENT MOUNTAIN

THREE: "Put Down That Paper and Talk to Me!": Rapport-talk and Report-talk

RAPPORT-TALK AND REPORT-TALK PRIVATE SPEAKING: THE WORDY WOMAN AND THE MUTE MAN BEST FRIENDS "TALK TO ME!" WHAT TO DO WITH DOUBTS MAKING ADJUSTMENTS THE COMFORT OF HOME PUBLIC SPEAKING: THE T ALKA TIVE MAN AND THE SILENT WOMAN REPORT-TALK IN PRIVATE RAPPORT-TALK IN PUBLIC SPEAKING FOR THE TEAM AVOIDING MUTUAL BLAME

FOUR: Gossip

IN GOSSIP BEGINS FRIENDSHIP RAPPORT-TALK AS LAMENT SMALL TALK SERVES A BIG PURPOSE WHEN GOSSIP IS RUMOR THE USES OF GOSSIP GOSSIP AS SOCIAL CONTROL LETTING IT SHOW NEWS AS GOSSIP THE POWER OF DETAILS THE JOY OF INVOLVEMENT "SKIP THE DETAILS" MIXING BUSINESS WITH GOSSIP TALKING-ABOUT VERSUS TALKING-AGAINST WOMEN AND MEN ON THEIR OWN TERMS

FIVE: "I'll Explain It to You": Lecturing and Listening

FIRST ME, THEN ME IF YOU'VE GOT IT, FLAUNT ITOR HIDE IT A SUBTLE DEFERENCE IS ANYBODY LISTENING? GROWING UP INVISIBLE LISTENER AS UNDERLING WHAT'S SO FUNNY? "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU'RE TALKING TO?" MUTUAL ACCUSATIONS MUTUAL DISSATISFACTION HAMPERED BY STYLE HOPE FOR THE FUTURE

SIX: Community and Contest: Styles in Conflict

"DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO" "I'LL BE THE DOCTOR AND YOU BE THE BABY" DIFFERENT SOCIAL STRUCTURES "YOU DIDN'T SAY WHY" A GOOD KNOCK-DOWN DRAG-OUT FIGHT FIGHTING FOR FRIENDSHIP MAKING NICE "DON'T YOU AGREE?" ENTER THE CHALLENGER FIGHTING TO BE NICE WOLF WORDS IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING MESSAGES AND METAMESSAGES IN FIGHTS "THAT REMINDS ME OF A STORY" MUTUAL MISJUDGMENTS DIFFERENT COMPLEXITIES WHOSE WAY IS BETTER? AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT IN SEARCH OF FLEXIBILITY

SEVEN: Who's Interrupting? Issues of Dominance and Control

DO MEN INTERRUPT WOMEN? INTERRUPTION WITHOUT OVERLAP OVERLAP WITHOUT INTERRUPTION SUCCESSFUL COOPERATIVE OVERLAPPING UNSUCCESSFUL COOPERATIVE OVERLAPPING CULTURAL DIFFERENCES CULTURAL EXPLANATIONS: A MIXED BLESSING A WORD OF CAUTION WHO'S INTERRUPTING? UNCOOPERATIVE OVERLAPPING WHO'S DRIVING?

EIGHT: Damned If You Do

NEVER BOAST OR BRAG HIS POLITENESS IS HER POWERLESSNESS IT'S DIFFERENT COMING FROM A MAN SILENCE IS GOLDEN-OR LEADEN "I'M SORRY, I'M NOT APOLOGIZING" "PLEASE DON'T ACCEPT MY APOLOGY" WOMEN ADAPT TO MEN'S NORMS EQUAL DISCRIMINATION UNEQUAL REMEDIES LANGUAGE KEEPS WOMEN IN THEIR PLACE BOUND BY BODY LANGUAGE

NINE: "Look at Me When I'm Talking to You!": Cross Talk Across the Ages

TEASING AND TELLING STORIES AT SECOND GRADE "WHAT GAMES DOES HE HAVE?" "THAT'S SERIOUS!" FLOUTING AUTHORITY PLA YING "INTERVIEW" A WORLD OF DIFFERENCE LIFE IMITATES EXPERIMENT TROUBLE WITH PEOPLE AND THINGS IN SIXTH GRADE "IT HURTS WHEN YOU LOSE YOUR BEST FRIEND" "I KNOW" THE SAME TOPIC-WITH A DIFFERENCE "WHEN IT'S TIME TO TALK, YOU CAN'T TALK" CONTRASTING CONCEPTS OF FRIENDSHIP MERGED AND PARALLEL CONVERSATIONS IN TENTH GRADE "I KNOW WHAT'S BUGGING ME" ARE MEN DISENGAGED? ADULT FRIENDS' CONVERSATION "I KNOW WE'VE HAD ARGUMENTS BEFORE" ONEDOWNMANSHIP MARRIAGE—"A SERIOUS ENOUGH TOPIC" "A PRETTY SHY ATTITUDE" FOLLOW THE LEADER

TEN: Living with Asymmetry: Opening Lines of Communication

WHY THINGS GET WORSE INEQUALITY BEGINS AT HOME PHYSICAL CONSTELLATIONS ASYMMETRIES IN CONVERSATION: "I ONL Y DID IT FOR YOU" SOLVING PUZZLES TWO PATHS TO INVOLVEMENT WHEN STRENGTHS BECOME LIABILITIES IT ALL DEPENDS OPENING LINES OF COMMUNICATION

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