Funny Ha-Ha, Funny Peculiar by Neil Astley -- Read -- Imperial Library of Trantor

Index

Cover Description Title Page Contents 1 | THE OPPOSITE SEX

A Declaration of Need Choice Love poem The Did-You-Come-Yets of the Western World You Don’t Know What Love Is Please Can I Have a Man Romantic Moment Three Sisters One Minute with Eileen For sixpence Kipper on the Lips Forecasting Trouble Came to the Turnip Stanley My Inner Bloke How She Puts It Bitcherel Rubbish at Adultery Smokers for Celibacy Doo-wop girls of the universe The Old Debate of Don Quixote vs Sancho Panza

2 | MATTERS OF LIFE & DEATH

Don’t Waste Your Breath The Awfulisers Well Burst Pipe with ‘A Level’ Notes Spiderweb I ran away from home… The Voice in which My Mother Read to Me Self-Portrait, Rear View homage to my hips My Father’s Vocabulary Shaven Heads Forgetfulness The Inability to Recall the Precise Word for Something Samsara The Antiques Shop Let Me Die a Youngman’s Death Not for Me a Youngman’s Death Not a rumour, a murmur My Funeral Tullynoe: Tête-à-Tête in the Parish Priest’s Parlour How Sweet the Dead Are Now

3 | NOWT SO FUNNY AS FOLK

In Phil’s Butchers The fundament of wonderment Ten Ways to Avoid Lending Your Wheelbarrow to Anybody The Prince Singh Song! A Man Besotted by his Batch Front Gate Black Moon Pit Closure as Art You will be hearing from us shortly Job Description Women’s Inhumanity to Women The Ice Cream Man Managing the Common Herd Fight Song Ruling-Class Sonnet with Capitals and Obscenities This Be The Worst Plague Victims Catapulted over Walls into Besieged City The People of the Other Village I See a Lily on Thy Brow The Native Americans Nursery Rhyme

4 | PECULIAR PLACES

America The Good Ship Venus Our Ends in the North Alternative Anthem Everyone Hates the English To a Mousse Address tae Chicken Tikka Masala Tae a Selfie Maw Broon Goes for Colonic Irrigation

5 | SOUNDS TRUE

Omens Lies My Mother Told Me I Know This Because You Told Me from Going On For his Islamic enthusiasm, on the other hand, (William) Whiston was expelled from Cambridge in 1709 How the Pope Is Chosen Superstition Blandeur The Sounds of Earth Hotel Emergencies Static City The All Purpose Country and Western Self Pity Song thwok The Black Wet The Man in the Comic Strip

6 | ANIMAL MAGIC

Convinced by a Nalungiaq Song Goat It Happens Like This From My Rough Goatbook DSS Dream The Joy Attendant on the Little Journey Counting Sheep Sheep Lies Love Song with a Flock of Sheep Sheep Piece Spiritual Chickens The Man Whose Left Hand Thought It Was a Chicken The Chicken Variations Cow The Metempsychosis of the Yak A Prodigy of Nature Horse Music The Heron Chameleon Crustacean Island

7 | WORDS & WORSE

Home Truths A Few Precepts Proverbial Ballade Like the Proverbial Symposium Nothing’s As It Should Be With Hindsight Adage Ivory Speech balloon What She Said Oh My God! Ode to American English I swear Invective Malediction Rather One Size Fits All: A Critical Essay The Critic Water under the Bridge Errata Eirata

Acknowledgements Index of poets About the Author Copyright

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