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PRAISE FOR RACHEL VAN DYKEN “The Consequence of Loving Colton is a must-read friends-to-lovers story that’s as passionate and sexy as it is hilarious!” —Melissa Foster, New York Times bestselling author “Just when you think Van Dyken can’t possibly get any better, she goes and delivers The Consequence of Loving Colton. Full of longing and breathless moments, this is what romance is about.” —Lauren Layne, USA Today bestselling author “The tension between Milo and Colton made this story impossible to put down. Quick, sexy, witty—easily one of my favorite books from Rachel Van Dyken.” —R.S. Grey, USA Today bestselling author “Hot, funny . . . will leave you wishing you could get marked by one of the immortals!” —Molly McAdams, New York Times bestselling author, on The Dark Ones “Laugh-out-loud fun! Rachel Van Dyken is on my auto-buy list.” —Jill Shalvis, New York Times bestselling author, on The Wager “The Dare is a laugh-out-loud read that I could not put down. Brilliant. Just brilliant.
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ALSO BY #1 NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLING AUTHOR RACHEL VAN DYKEN: The Players Game Series Fraternize The Consequence Series The Consequence of Loving Colton The Consequence of Revenge The Consequence of Seduction The Consequence of Rejection The Wingmen Inc. Series The Matchmaker’s Playbook The Matchmaker’s Replacement Curious Liaisons Series Cheater Cheater’s Regret The Bet Series The Bet The Wager The Dare The Ruin Series Ruin Toxic Fearless Shame The Eagle Elite Series Elite Elect Enamor Entice Elicit Bang Bang Enforce Ember Elude Empire The Seaside Series Tear Pull Shatter Forever Fall Eternal Strung Capture The Renwick House Series The Ugly Duckling Debutante The Seduction of Sebastian St. James An Unlikely Alliance The Redemption of Lord Rawlings The Devil Duke Takes a Bride The London Fairy Tales Series Upon a Midnight Dream Whispered Music The Wolf’s Pursuit When Ash Falls The Seasons of Paleo Series Savage Winter Feral Spring The Wallflower Series (with Leah Sanders) Waltzing wit
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This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, organizations, places, events, and incidents are either products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Text copyright © 2018 by Rachel Van Dyken All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, or stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without express written permission of the publisher. Published by Skyscape, New York www.apub.com Amazon, the Amazon logo, and Skyscape are trademarks of Amazon.com, Inc., or its affiliates. ISBN-13: 9781542048439 ISBN-10: 1542048435 Cover design by Shasti O’Leary Soudant Cover photography by Regina Wamba of MaeIDesign.com
To everyone going through the storm—there will always be a sunrise. Joy comes in the morning. —Hugs, RVD
Contents Prologue MILLER Chapter One KINSEY Chapter Two MILLER Chapter Three KINSEY Chapter Four MILLER Chapter Five JAX Chapter Six KINSEY Chapter Seven MILLER Chapter Eight JAX Chapter Nine KINSEY Chapter Ten MILLER Chapter Eleven KINSEY Chapter Twelve MILLER Chapter Thirteen KINSEY Chapter Fourteen MILLER Chapter Fifteen KINSEY Chapter Sixteen MILLER Chapter Seventeen JAX Chapter Eighteen KINSEY Chapter Nineteen MILLER Chapter Twenty KINSEY Chapter Twenty-One MILLER Chapter Twenty-Two MILLER Chapter Twenty-Three JAX Chapter Twenty-Four KINSEY Chapter Twenty-Five MILLER Chapter Twenty-Six KINSEY Chapter Twenty-Seven MILLER Chapter Twenty-Eight JAX Chapter Twenty-Nine KINSEY Chapter Thirty MILLER Chapter Thirty-One KINSEY Chapter Thirty-Two JAX Chapter Thirty-Three KINSEY Chapter Thirty-Four MILLER Chapter Thirty-Five KINSEY Chapter Thirty-Six MILLER Chapter Thirty-Seven JAX Chapter Thirty-Eight MILLER Chapter Thirty-Nine KINSEY Epilogue MILLER Acknowledgments About the Author
Prologue MILLER “Our secret, right?” Her worried gaze was not setting me at ease, not in the least. Already my body rejected the idea of keeping secrets, especially from her brother, my best friend, the first-string quarterback for the Bucks, the guy I was supposed to block for and catch balls from—the same one who, years ago, had locked his sister in their house so she missed prom. That dude. “Right.” She licked her lips, shuffled out of the bedroom, and snuck back onto the couch. My body felt her absence. I shouldn’t have kissed her. She shouldn’t have kissed me back. And she sure as hell shouldn’t have crawled onto me. Damn it, I sure as hell shouldn’t have let her! Maybe it was me. My fault. Maybe I was still torn up over the fact that my childhood best friend—the girl I thought I was still in love with—was currently engaged to Sanchez, our wide receiver and basically the only guy in the universe who was hard to hate despite being a cocky shit. I slammed the pillow with both hands
Chapter One KINSEY Seven Months Later Two Weeks Before Preseason “You’re being ridiculous.” Jax, my brother, “America’s Quarterback,” and all-around Mr. Perfect with his baby-blue eyes and curly brown hair, wasn’t even looking in my direction! I snapped my fingers in front of his face. With a sigh, he pressed pause on the TV remote and slowly looked at me. “You’re beautiful.” “I gained ten pounds.” He shrugged. “Where?” “Where?” I repeated. “Where?” I was about to say it a third time when a knock sounded at the door. “Good, Miller’s finally here.” Jax shot up from the lounge chair and answered the door while I stood immobile and nearly stopped breathing altogether. Miller. Freaking MILLER was here? I hadn’t seen him since Vegas. I had actually avoided him like the plague until I left for Europe, only to find out that he’d been dating nonstop since I’d left! Not that I’d stalked him, or paid attention to social media, including gossip sites, tweets, and stupid hashtags about his biceps.
Chapter Two MILLER I was fucked. No other way around it. The words fell from my mouth before I had a damn chance to stop them. But the minute they were released into the universe and I saw Kinsey’s pale expression color enough that I wasn’t afraid she was going to pass out, I felt better. The best I’d felt in months. Because I’d saved her. And the last time I’d seen her? I’d screwed her over. Both times by way of her brother. Shit, this season wasn’t starting so well. “Great!” Jax exhaled and then breathed in and out again. He slapped my back and gave it a semi-awkward rub before jerking away and scratching his head. “I, uh, I appreciate it, Miller, I just—” “Don’t mention it.” No, seriously. Don’t. Because every time the name Kinsey rolled off his damn tongue, my entire body buzzed with awareness and my eyes searched for her. “Tell me more about Dad,” Kinsey pleaded, her lips pressed into a thin line before she crossed her arms and rubbed them. Jax hung his head. “Not now, Kins.” Her
Chapter Three KINSEY I told myself not to look at him directly in the eyes—something about his blue eyes against his mocha skin made girls like me turn to mush and say stupid things like “We should hang out sometime.” When I had no business hanging out with him at all, ever. Especially outside of our friend group. At least he was a much-needed distraction from the fact that my dad was going in for another treatment tomorrow, and that he was most likely going to be sick all day, and that he didn’t want to see me. Because he was so sick, so weak, he thought it would traumatize me. It was so unfair. And yet I couldn’t yell at him, because he was sick. I sent him a frustrated text only to get a heart back, like everything was fine in the world, when really he was getting injected with chemicals that were slowly killing off all the good parts inside of him. I gritted my teeth. “It’s a push start.” Miller’s voice interrupted my thoughts. “You have to push the button, Waffle.” I would not lau
Chapter Four MILLER He was six feet two inches and around two hundred pounds and one of the biggest asses I’d ever met in my entire life. I didn’t care if he shit golden footballs and came with a promise of winning every single championship from here on out—I’d still hate him, I’d still want to remove his head from his body and hand it to the kicker with instructions to let it soar. “Miller.” He always nodded, never shook my hand, never once used any sort of acknowledgment that showed he had good manners. Just a head nod, a quick clip of my name, and football talk. It was either football. Or girls. Mainly the one girl that he just couldn’t shut up about, the girl that got away. Funny, since she seemed to have found herself in my arms . . . and my bed. Bastard. The very girl that I was trying not to squeeze to death. The same one who, if her shaking was any indication, wanted to crawl up me like a tree and hide. Hell. “Where’s Jax?” The combination of his blue baseball hat with his brow
Chapter Five JAX The bastard wasn’t answering his phone. Of fucking course. I looked at the picture again. I couldn’t stop looking at it—everyone in the world could see my sister attaching herself to Miller like she was under the impression she needed his lungs to aid her in her next oxygen fix. The call went to voice mail again. With a growl, I slammed my hand against the granite countertop and glanced back at the TV. There wasn’t a chance in hell I could watch last season’s tape and take notes. Options. I took a calming breath, in through my nose, out through my mouth, repeated the process five more times before I calmly took a seat on the couch and let the soothing sound of the clock in the background pass time. The silence buzzed. I clenched my fists. My fault. I’d told them to pretend to date. I needed to stop jumping to conclusions. Calm the hell down, and think about what could possibly possess two people who, this morning, looked ready to kill one another, to kiss—like that. I
Chapter Six KINSEY “For the record, I vote that this is the worst idea in the history of bad ideas,” Miller grumbled, raising his hand to knock on the door and then dropping it and shoving me into his place. “You do it.” “Some man you are,” I grumbled back, trying to remind my body, my heart, and my brain that this wasn’t real, that we weren’t really in a relationship, that if he was on my team, he would be the crappiest teammate ever because when I was at my most vulnerable he abandoned me. Mix that in with all of the hurtful things he said to Jax while he thought I was in the bathroom, and I was just done with trying to figure out whatever was between us. Ready to toss in the towel and stop with the farce. But then I’d seen the concern in Miller’s eyes, heard the concern in his voice, and knew that my brother, the guy on the other end, needed me to keep up with it. And while it was completely asinine. I was doing my part in keeping his mind on what he could control—by allowing it to
Chapter Seven MILLER On the outside, I was calm. On the inside, I was a mess. Because I was being faced with another choice, one I was being forced to make. Date her. Don’t touch her. Protect her. Don’t touch her. Spend time with her. Fall for her. Lust for her. Want her. Do. Not. Touch. Her. I suddenly needed the first preseason game and practices like I needed my next breath of air. The distraction, the pain, the stress would be welcome after spending the last twenty-four hours with a girl I couldn’t have—story of my life—and didn’t deserve. It was the first time since Emerson I felt it. That deep—pull. The connection that you feel without using words. And I wasn’t just confused, but angry as fuck that the one girl who was hands-off was the only one who had managed to pull it out of me. Months ago, I’d slept with her and told her it was just once. I’d lied to her. I’d lied to myself. So I did it again that same night to prove that I had control of the situation, and then I sent her p
Chapter Eight JAX I woke up with a pounding headache. Harley. What the hell kind of name is Harley anyway? For a girl? I made a mental note to add her to the list of girls I would never speak to again. All she did was insult not only me but my occupation the entire damn dinner. It bothered me that I was still thinking about her, just like it bothered me that the minute she walked in the restaurant I had done a double take and nearly tripped over my own feet before sitting at the table. Her eyes were an electric blue that cut straight through me like a knife, and it was for that very reason that I made myself stare right back. I was rarely challenged in any area of my life, football included, so for her to look at me like I didn’t matter? Like my job didn’t matter? Like I was just another dumb football player? Pissed me the hell off, mainly because it made me realize how highly I must think of myself—of what I did. Humble pie tasted like shit. My phone buzzed, and I wiped my face and gr
Chapter Nine KINSEY I woke up clinging to Miller like a second skin. The guy slept like the dead, which gave me the perfect opportunity to crawl away. The minute I made a decision to move, his arm shot out and tugged me against him, I was the small spoon to his big spoon. Why did his spoon have to be so warm? I tried to fight it. Not very hard. But it’s the effort that counts, right? We’d slept another hour in each other’s arms, and when my phone went off for the third time with Emerson’s name on the screen, the moment was shattered. I grabbed my phone, he grabbed his. No words were exchanged, but I still felt the heat from his body and wanted nothing more than to shut out the world, to forget about all the promises of friendship and just ask him to hold me. Sometimes that’s all a girl needs, a good holding, a hug, a touch. I quickly called Emerson back. Apparently, she and Sanchez were going down to the practice stadium to work out. “I’ll make protein shakes, if you want to get ready
Chapter Ten MILLER “He’s literally been on his phone for the past half hour.” Sanchez nodded his head in Jax’s direction. “Dude, I know this sounds insane, but I think . . . I think Jax’s texting.” “It’s definitely something of Armageddon proportions,” I agreed, finishing my set and leaping off the bench so that Sanchez could start his. “He stopped midlift.” “Jax,” Sanchez grunted as he heaved the bar from the rack, “doesn’t stop for shit, you’ve seen the way he works out. Like he’s being chased by fucking flesh-eating zombies.” “Two more.” I had my hands under the bar just in case. “We should probably steal his phone.” “It’s like we share a brain when we bro lift, man, because I was just trying to figure out a way to crack his code.” “Birthday.” Sanchez finished lifting and grabbed a towel. “Shit, man, this is Jax. Do you really think he’d still keep that as his password? He’s not lazy like us.” We both glanced behind us to where Jax was standing a good ten feet away. Jax set his phon
Chapter Eleven KINSEY I felt better after working out with the gang, and once I finished the rest of the green gunk, which oddly tasted sweeter than I’d expected, I’d forgotten all about the dizziness and was suddenly über focused on Bucks practice. As one of the team captains, it was my job to make sure that all the girls were doing their assigned conditioning and encourage those who were struggling. Last year that had been Emerson. She was a talented cheerleader, but I knew it would be hard for her since she didn’t fit the mold of a typical professional cheerleader. She had a killer ass, gorgeous curves, and boobs that girls would murder her over—my theory still stood that Sanchez was hypnotized by her rack then fell in love with her heart. Both her rack and her heart were amazing, and I was just glad that they’d found each other and it was the perfect fit. I rummaged through my bag in search of the schedule for practice. I wanted to double-check the start times and make sure that ev
Chapter Twelve MILLER Family dinner. Something I hadn’t done since my mom was alive. The thought of actually sitting through an entire meal with Kinsey’s parents had me ready to run in the opposite direction. It hit too close. Before my dad discovered the love of his life—alcohol—he’d had another. My mom. And although they didn’t have the perfect marriage, they always managed to keep Sundays for dinner together. It was always the same. Pot roast with carrots, and a few potatoes thrown in. Sometimes there was dessert and almost always, we’d finish our meal in the living room while watching Sunday Night Football. Tradition. The word burned. Made my chest feel like it was expanding too fast, as if I couldn’t stop myself from imploding from the inside out. But Kinsey had asked. And then added, like I wasn’t already dealing with enough emotional shit, that it would make her dad happy to see her with someone. Great. If only he knew that I’d hurt her, not once but twice. That I’d probably bee
Chapter Thirteen KINSEY I was over him. Over it. Until Jax forced the big dummy back into my life without giving me a choice in the matter. Maybe if we both had kept our distance, it wouldn’t hurt this bad. If he hadn’t apologized. If he hadn’t searched every room in my house for an intruder, if he hadn’t promised he was going to kiss me again once I gave up on the friendship ruse and asked. If he wasn’t such a big giant flirt with his crystal-blue eyes and mocha skin. If he didn’t tell me with his eyes and actions that all he wanted to do was protect me from the world. But Miller did all of those things. Two days. It took him two freaking days to get under my skin again like a disease, to make me believe that maybe, just maybe, I could trust him, trust the words he said. “Hey there.” Jax’s voice was calm, rational, exactly what I needed. “Want help with the pie?” “No.” I jerked it out of the oven and sat it on the granite counter, tossed the oven mitts onto the floor and started cutti
Chapter Fourteen MILLER Every single person at dinner heard the yelling. Even Harley had sobered, her expression pale while Jax yelled at Kins, while she yelled right back. I’d known them a little over a year. Not once had I ever seen them fight—it used to bother me, the type of relationship they had as brother and sister was scary close. I wasn’t stupid. There was something else there between them. Something that I and everyone else in their lives didn’t get, some bond that was unbreakable. Part of me was afraid to ask. Afraid of the answer. Afraid of what it would make me feel. I was still pissed at Sanchez, but the more I thought about it, the less my anger felt directed at him and more inward, like I was the dick that decided to have a few meaningless one-night stands because I was too chickenshit to admit my feelings for Kinsey were fueled by more than alcohol and lust. “Kins.” It was useless trying to calm the woman down. In the ten minutes since we’d been at her apartment she’d
Chapter Fifteen KINSEY Two weeks. That’s how long I’d lived with Quinton Miller. And in the entire time we’ve lived together it had turned into a terrifyingly normal thing to not only see him in nothing but a towel at least ninety-nine percent of the time, but get flashes of naked ass when he forgot—right, forgot—to do laundry. In the mornings, he drank milk shirtless, I know because I almost always ran into those muscles every morning in the kitchen. He made his coffee strong enough that I was worried that one day I’d wake up with chest hair. And he bought a special mug for mine. It was pink. It had a K on it. In short, Quinton Miller was slowly killing me. He made protein shakes like a boss, always kept fruit snacks in storage just in case the zombie apocalypse happened and there was a shortage, his words not mine, and he was the perfect gentleman. I’m talking perfect. One night after a double practice, I’d come home to him not only drawing me a bubble bath but asking if I’d like cha
Chapter Sixteen MILLER She was killing me. It wasn’t a swift death either. Kins represented everything I swore to myself I’d never repeat. Like becoming friends with a girl who I could potentially fall for, and somehow, after that first night, when I heard her cry herself to sleep, I’d gone and lost my damn mind. It wasn’t that I just cared. If it was that simple, I’d just give her a shoulder to cry on when she asked. No, it was worse. Somehow, every little quirk about her had my body on high alert; the first time I’d taken a shower after her I’d nearly banged my head through the wall. Lavender and coconut nearly choked me to death, and every day since that first fateful shower, my shower time more than doubled, for obvious reasons, just thinking about her had me ready to excuse myself from the room. I could take her yelling. I could take her crying herself to sleep. What I couldn’t take? The emptiness on her face. Kinsey was a strong woman, who’d suddenly lost something, I just didn’t
Chapter Seventeen JAX I felt lost without my other half. Food didn’t taste good. My apartment was lonely as shit. Harley still texted me. But I was a shit human being, because after that night, I’d sent her a text saying I wasn’t sure things were going to work out between us. Since then I’d been the happy recipient of her grandmother’s selfies. I was pretty confident that she purposefully gave her horny grandmother my number in an effort to get even for kicking her to the curb after sleeping with her. Oh, right, left out that part. Completely and totally, used her in a way that made me cringe, and why? Because I’d been pissed. And felt so out of control that when she’d suggested we get out of there, I’d driven straight to my empty apartment, opened a bottle of Jack, and set down shot glasses. We were four shots in when the stripping started. It only went downhill from there. (Then) “You wear Superman underwear,” I said dumbly while she did a little twirl in her plain black sports bra a
Chapter Eighteen KINSEY I avoided my brother like salt before a big game. And this time it wasn’t because I was pissed. It was because his best friend, the one that I was starting to really favor, had given me an orgasm behind a potted plant with nothing but his thigh and a heck of a lot of enthusiasm on my part. I was a hussy. And yet, every time I tried to find the guilt, it wasn’t there. Trust me, I searched for it. In my brain I was on my hands and knees looking underneath every object, opening every folder that said whore or slut, and nothing. Maybe it was because he didn’t walk away this time. He righted my hair. He kissed my bruised lips. And then slowly, lowered my feet to the floor, but not before placing an open kiss against my neck and whispering, “Remember whose you are.” “Yours?” I’d responded. “You’re also yours, Kins.” He’d winked, grabbed my hand, and led me toward the punch and said I should cool off. Right, like Kool-Aid was going to really help me not melt into my cl
Chapter Nineteen MILLER The kid’s face reminded me of mine when I lost my mom. His eyes—they were so sad, and for him to ask a complete stranger, one he looked up to, if he was going to make it? God, it almost killed me. It brought back memories of not wanting to live—of wanting to go to sleep and never wake up so I could be with my mom. But then I’d go to practice and remember all the games she went to and all the times she supported me—and I went on. Because of her. Because football wasn’t just a distraction anymore, no, it had turned into this need—because when I played I was closer to her. My mom’s death taught me that the future was never certain. To see a little boy with that same look. At his age. Damn, the kid needed hope, just like I’d needed football. Pain slashed through me. Raw. Pain. The emptiness of losing my mom. And then Emerson. The pain of losing our child that I hadn’t even known existed. Physical pain I could deal with, but emotional pain? Sometimes I wasn’t sure I
Chapter Twenty KINSEY I was breathtakingly aware of the way he kissed me, with a mix of urgency and tenderness, as if he was afraid that I was going to pull away, when five minutes into Jax’s conversation with me I knew things were going to end this way. It wasn’t good-bye. Not really. It was a risk. A risk that I wanted to take, because I liked him, because I was falling for the man that I saw beneath all of the football bullshit. He was more than he let people see, and sometimes it’s easier to recognize hurt in other people when it reminds you of yourself. I never told him about my ghosts. My scars. And I had to wonder, if he knew about them—would he be more willing to take a chance on what we could have—or would he push me away? Because the possibility was there, not in the scary way it had been before, but my health issues still lingered, and knowing Miller, the truth would be scarier than the lie I kept telling by way of omission. I was his. But for how long? Until he found out ab
Chapter Twenty-One MILLER I was pissed. Livid. Beyond ready to break something with my bare hands. And I had practice in exactly six hours. Which meant, either we talked or we slept. How the hell did the media get ahold of that sort of information? Especially since it clearly wasn’t something either of them felt the need to tell me? Kinsey came back into the room, her face unsure as she slowly crawled onto the bed, the towel still wrapped around her small body. “I don’t know how the hell they found out, but because Anderson’s been a real prick lately, I imagine he’s behind it. My adoption was just another thing that made him jealous of Jax. It was the tipping point between us, he could never handle the relationship Jax and I had—have.” Her eyes filled with tears. “But, Miller, I’m still his sister, in every way that matters.” “That’s what you lead with?” I tried and failed to keep the edge out of my voice, but something about the situation was pissing me off, and I had no clue why. “Wh
Chapter Twenty-Two MILLER Jax released a string of curses at the offensive line. “Fucking swear to the football gods if you miss another block I’m going to kick your ass!” Jax kicked the grass, and basically threw a tantrum that rivaled those of some of the worst quarterbacks in the league. “Give us a minute,” I yelled at Jax. Sanchez eyed me and told the guys to go grab water. We both made our way over to him. Sanchez held his helmet in his hand, his face was caked with sweat and dirt. The guy had caught every piece of shit Jax had thrown in his direction, nearly sacrificing his body in order to do so, and it was practice, not the big game. “What?” Jax sneered at both of us. Sanchez held up his hands. “Are you just that sexually repressed or did everyone just piss you off today?” Jax stared down at the ground. “Sorry.” I ran my hand over my sweaty head. “Man, I know things are bad with your dad, I’m headed over there with Kins later to—” “The fuck?” Jax glared in my direction, dropped
Chapter Twenty-Three JAX I was in a shit mood. Brought on by an even shittier situation. And unable to focus on anything except for the fact that I hadn’t received a text from Harley since I basically fled my own apartment. My throws were off in practice today. My concentration was on a spitfire who tasted like bubblegum and had the sexiest husky laugh I’d ever heard. I showered, grabbed my shit, and got in my car. Rain pounded in rapid succession against the windshield, like it was just as angry, just as tormented as I felt. With a curse, I started the car and drove. And somehow found myself at her apartment. Dripping with rain. In front of her door. My feet took up at least half of the welcome mat, and there was a little sign that said “Blessings” hanging in the center of the door. I hung my head and raised my hand, only to have the door swing open. A short elderly lady with bright white hair stared me down, her dark-brown eyes pensive, her lips pursed into a thin line. I gulped. “Yo
Chapter Twenty-Four KINSEY Sickness had a smell. I couldn’t really describe it other than a mixture of medicine, sadness, and sterile equipment. The minute I’d walked into the house, I knew something was wrong. All because of the smell. It smelled like a hospital had been set up in my home. The patient, my father. And the fact that he was slowly deteriorating made me want to scream and then cry until my voice was hoarse. Miller hadn’t said a word the entire drive. Which was fine with me, because the last thing I wanted to do was talk about my feelings—talking about the sadness only made it feel bigger and if it was bigger, it was harder to combat, at least in my mind. Dad was sitting in the living room, hooked up to an IV. “Hey.” I winked and sat down on the couch. “Looking good.” “Liar.” His eyes narrowed. “I’ve got this robot contraption piece of crap hydrating me, makes my arms feel cold.” I grabbed a blanket. “Put that blanket on me like I’m a child and I’m going to tell your mothe
Chapter Twenty-Five MILLER Seconds after calling Jax, I drove my car around the block only to park across the street from her parents’ home. I would be a shit stalker. I didn’t even turn off my headlights, just sat in the warm SUV while rain pelted angrily against the windshield. Even nature was mad at me, not that I blamed the rain, or anyone else but myself. That was all me. Running was all me. And I wanted to stay, God, I’d wanted to plant my feet against the ground and tell Kinsey everything was going to be okay. I would have been a liar. And that’s the part that got me. It wasn’t going to be okay. At least not for a while. It hit me so hard, sucking my breath away so violently that I had trouble breathing—thinking. Her mom tripped, she fell to the floor. I grabbed her, and had a real, living, breathing flashback of finding my mom down in our kitchen. And realization struck a very sensitive nerve in my body. It gets better. But it takes time. And even now, I still had my weak momen
Chapter Twenty-Six KINSEY “You ready for this?” I led the rest of the team in some warm-up stretches, giving Emerson a little wink. I finally saw it. Why Miller couldn’t seem to let Em go. There was this magnetism about her that was addicting. Hadn’t I latched onto her after one day of practice? Her smile lit up the room and just being around her gave me confidence. I groaned. Was it wrong to hope that Miller saw similar qualities in me? That when I was by his side he felt better because of it? Maybe I was reaching. Maybe I needed to stop thinking so much. “Alright, ladies.” I moved to the couch stretch for quads and checked my watch. “Full makeup needs to be on before we hit the field for team announcements. Make sure you’re ready in a few minutes, and remember . . .” I glared at Lily, the only girl I really had trouble with since she thought it was her right to sleep with every guy on the team. The only problem was she was good, so Coach kept her—well, that and her family was loaded
Chapter Twenty-Seven MILLER Preseason Game 1 Tampa vs. Bellevue Home Turf Favored Team: Bellevue Bucks Jax won the coin toss. The guy seemed to always win the coin toss. We were kicking first and then receiving first in the second half. Part of the Bucks’ game plan was to use our defense to make their offense skittish when it came to doing any sort of pass plays, and it almost always worked. And while playing Tampa? Well, they either fumbled within the first two minutes or an interception was thrown. Luthor was a good QB. He’d been in the game for close to a decade, but he had shit receivers and young rookies who loved the game—but loved the fame just a little bit more. Rumors ran rampant that Luthor’s rookies were known for partying into the season, while the rest of us were focused on winning. They spent all the money they earned faster than most teams. Then again, it was nothing compared to Miami. Those guys could take the field drunk off their asses and still somehow find a way to
Chapter Twenty-Eight JAX Harley: Good game! You caught a ball! Jax: I’m insulted—I’m a football player. I catch all balls. Harley: Don’t leave yourself open to me, QB, I have all the jokes, the ball jokes, that is. Grandma taught me. I groaned and texted her back really quick. Jax: Still traumatized she caught us having sex. Harley: Traumatized? The woman gave me a high five when she came home and proceeded to make a turkey dinner—we don’t even have turkey dinner for Thanksgiving. I think I made her life. Though when she asked me about what you were packing, I had to lie, hope you don’t mind. Jax: The hell!! Harley: And by lie, I mean, I said eh, not too impressive but told her I’d take candids of it later. Jax: You’re insane. Harley: She’s a very dedicated fan. I’m thinking if she actually saw the pictures, she’d probably just have a heart attack and see Jesus—don’t you want her to die happy, Jax? Jax: She’s not getting a dick shot. Harley: Spoilsport. I was nervous. Nervous to invite
Chapter Twenty-Nine KINSEY We cut it way too close. I’d kissed his mouth so hard, and then my lips found his neck. I couldn’t stop kissing him, and his hands were everywhere, under my shirt, gripping my hips. It had been four days of the most amazing sex of my life paired with laughing until tears ran down my face. Four days of bliss. Four days of getting to wake up next to my new roommate. I stopped by the store to grab the ingredients Em said we needed then quickly headed back to the apartment so I could change before my brother made it over. I was just tossing on some leggings when the door opened. I peeked around the corner to make sure it was safe. He dropped his bag onto the floor, took two steps into the apartment, his grin wide. “Kins, stop hiding.” “That was a mighty nice throw, Quinton Miller.” I leaned against the hallway wall; my voice carried across the room. Anticipation had my blood pumping so loud that he could probably hear it. “A cheerleader? Complimenting my throwing
Chapter Thirty MILLER Lupus. Flare-ups. Sickness. She’d passed out. I caught her before her body hit the floor. The fight between me and Jax long forgotten now that the most precious thing in my life—and his—was momentarily lifeless. Flashes of my mom collapsing, crumpling into a lifeless heap in front of my eyes. And the searing pain that split me in two, threatening to never make me whole again, pounded into my line of vision. Not again. Not again. “Kins?” I gripped her hand. “Wake up, baby.” Jax paced in front of the couch, alternating between wiping his face with his hands and swearing in my direction. Finally, after a few seconds, though it felt like ten minutes, her eyes flickered open, focusing in on my face. A small smile spread across her features and then fell. She slowly moved to a sitting position. Jax stopped pacing and knelt in front of her, gripping her hands between his. She jerked away. “What right do you have?” Jax shook his head then sucked in his bottom lip, biting
Chapter Thirty-One KINSEY “He’s not talking to me.” I was watching the away game with Dad, ready to punch through a wall. Jax was playing like a complete moron, and Miller was saving the game by way of blocking—a technique that the other team’s offensive line was not implementing at all, leaving their quarterback vulnerable to the Bucks’ defense. Dad patted my knee. “He’s just upset, honey, give him some time. You remember, he’s seen you at your worst, helped you through it. Show him a little grace. It’s your turn to help.” My shoulders sagged. “He doesn’t want my help.” “He does. He just doesn’t know it.” I swiped a cookie from his plate and took a bite. Ever since the whole cancer and lupus thing came out, I’d been on pins and needles, waiting for Miller to ask me for details. What was lupus? How long had I been sick? Would I get sick again? How long had I been in the hospital? But he didn’t pry. I knew he was waiting for me to talk about it, but I didn’t want to, because talking abo
Chapter Thirty-Two JAX I let the hot water pelt my back like tiny little needles. It didn’t make the pain go away. Nothing did anymore. I’d failed my dad. I’d failed Kinsey. I’d failed my team. Fail, fail, fail, fail. “We need to talk.” Miller. I wasn’t in the mood for him. We lost the game. And it was my fault. All of it. I couldn’t bring myself to look at my phone for fear that Harley straight-up dumped my sorry ass for being such an embarrassment, or worse, that my father would send me a text that was the opposite of proud. And Kins. My heart clenched. “Yeah, okay.” I grabbed a towel, wrapped it around my waist, and followed him into the locker room. Sanchez still had his gear on, so did Miller. The rest of the team was gone. The hell? “This . . .” Miller held his hands wide. “Is an intervention.” “We were going to make signs.” Sanchez grinned. “But I couldn’t find any markers, and I knew you wouldn’t take us seriously if I used the pink crayon from one of Coach’s kids.” “And you th
Chapter Thirty-Three KINSEY Miller texted me to meet him at home. It still brought a smile to my face to think about that. Home. We were living together. He said he loved me. And he texted home. I grinned and opened the door to the apartment, then nearly ran in the opposite direction when my brother stood up from the couch and very slowly started walking toward me until I really looked at him. I’d never seen him look so broken. So tired. So done. “Kins—” His voice caught. I rushed into his arms, too preoccupied with how horrible he looked to be angry. I held on to him for dear life while he kissed my forehead over and over again. With a sigh, he touched his forehead to mine and braced my shoulders with his hands. “You were four the first time.” Tears filled my eyes. “Jax, you don’t have to do this.” “Four,” he repeated, ignoring me. “I saw the tree slam into your house. I’d never been so freaked out in my life. My parents were gone, and I knew you were alone. I ran like hell, thankful
Chapter Thirty-Four MILLER Everything in life comes full circle. Everything. I gripped Kinsey’s hand as we made our way down the hospital hall, the same hall we’d walked through two weeks ago for the Homecoming Dance. Staff walked by us, a few stared. I’d texted Sanchez and Em the minute we hopped into Jax’s car. If it was bad, he needed his family—all of his family. Jax handed me his phone to text Harley too, and when she responded, all I could do was stare at the phone and shake my head. That woman . . . was just what he needed, because her first response was to gather the team. She understood that his team was family just like Kinsey was his family even if she wasn’t blood. If you were lucky enough to be in Jax Romonov’s life, you were there for an eternity, maybe that’s why it had been so hard for me to go behind his back, because I loved him like the brother I never had. When Jax walked into the waiting room. It wasn’t to face this thing alone. It was to battle with his brothers b
Chapter Thirty-Five KINSEY My dad didn’t look like himself. He was more pale than normal, and his lips were drawn back against his teeth like he was having trouble sucking in air and couldn’t quite get enough moisture in his mouth to lick them—or maybe he was just so exhausted he didn’t want to bother. What I was looking at was not my father. It was a shell. And in that moment. I wanted for him to have that peace. I wanted for him to be free. I wanted for him to let go. Because my father was gone. Amazing how death sneaks up on a person, how it changes even the shell of the body, making the person unrecognizable, maybe it’s the fact that the soul’s finally releasing its tendrils around the human heart, maybe it’s the soul that gives up first and realizes that this was never the plan, to live with sickness—but to live free from it. Dad smiled up at us. “Anyone bring any cookies?” Harley handed over the plate and winked. “You keep this one, son.” Dad grabbed a cookie and lifted it to his
Chapter Thirty-Six MILLER “Something’s been bothering me,” Ben said in a casual tone. “Wanna know what it is?” “I’m sure you’re going to tell me regardless, so go ahead.” I took a seat and offered him a polite smile as I leaned down and folded my hands to keep from doing something stupid like grabbing his and crying like a little boy over the fact that the woman I loved was losing her dad and the only thing I could do about it was watch. “You talked with Kinsey and Jax, naturally they talk to their mom, and their mom talks to me.” He shrugged. “We’re talkers.” “Everyone but Jax.” “Hah!” He laughed. “He’s more of a thinker.” He took a deep breath. “Your mom . . . Kinsey says she died suddenly.” I’d literally only talked to Kinsey about my mom a handful of times. Suddenly guilty, I nodded. “Did you ever mourn, son?” I shook my head. “No, but I’m getting better.” “Not good enough. Not for me. Not for her. It’s okay to hurt here.” He touched his chest. “And to remember them here.” He point
Chapter Thirty-Seven JAX Miller and Kinsey went to grab a bite to eat while I made sure my mom had everything she needed for the night. She refused to leave his side. I didn’t blame her, couldn’t blame her since I wanted to do the same thing. But according to my dad, I had rough practices and an even tougher game later that week, and since I made a promise to win and stop getting into fights, I knew it was time to go. I held Harley’s hand and walked her all the way to my car. I wasn’t sure what to say. Words seemed so . . . inappropriate in this kind of situation. Thank you for making cookies for my dying dad didn’t quite cut it either. Thanks for holding my hand when all I wanted to do was break. Thanks for being you. Thanks for not running away. I clamped my lips together the entire ride back to my apartment. Not even thinking that she might want to go home. Thankfully, Harley didn’t protest. Simply dropped her purse onto the countertop of my pristine granite and then reached for my
Chapter Thirty-Eight MILLER Preseason Game 2 San Francisco vs. Bellevue Home Turf Favored Team: Bellevue Bucks Coach stomped into the locker room, took one look around, and cleared his throat. “Men, normally I wouldn’t be giving a speech before a preseason game, and if I did, it would center around playing your heart out to secure a spot with this program. But today, after this last week, I feel like some words are warranted.” He turned his attention to Jax. “When one of us hurts, all of us hurts, that’s what brotherhood is about, we suffer together, we stand together, so when we walk out there, I want to see unity, I want the world to know what type of team they’re cheering for. This goes beyond football. This, men, is life. You never know who may be watching, who may need to see their heroes stand tall. Play like heroes today, and you’ll win.” Nobody made eye contact. Probably because it was one of the best speeches any of us had ever heard, and every damn one of us had tears in our
Chapter Thirty-Nine KINSEY His kisses were like a drug. His hands, possessive, just the way they’d always been since that first time. When his tongue circled around my belly button, I almost kicked him in the face. “You’re beautiful.” Miller’s mouth covered mine. “So beautiful.” “You sure you’re not too sore? You did get hit a lot today.” “You’re worth it.” He winced a bit as he hovered over me. “Nope!” I crawled out from underneath him and walked naked all the way over to the shower, turned on the hot water, and pointed. “In, now.” “Bossy,” he grumbled, standing up and sliding off his pants until all I saw was mocha-kissed skin and abs, so many abs I was dizzy. “See something you like?” “Somethings.” I shrugged. “Plural.” He stopped in front of me. My hands found his chest and then he was kissing me against the wall, lifting me into the shower, teasing my tongue with his. Hot water pelted against my back, wetting my hair as pieces stuck to my face. “Love you.” His head fell as he nuzz
Epilogue MILLER The funeral was three weeks later. Not one. Three. I’d like to think that he fought a little bit harder because he wanted to see grandchildren. Cancer had spread everywhere until it was impossible for him to breathe without help. And when it was time. We were all with him. Even Sanchez and Em. The team was in the waiting room. My family. Six years ago, I’d lost my family, I’d lost everything. And now? I had around eighty people I called brother, a few I called sister, several I called friends. One I would soon call fiancée. I cried. I had promised him I’d let myself. I cried for him. I cried for my mom. I cried for Kinsey and Jax. I cried for me. For all those times I held the tears in for fear of looking weak in front of my dad, for fear that once I let go I wouldn’t stop. And when dirt was thrown onto his casket. I smiled. Because he was at peace. “Cheers.” Jax walked up with a bottle of whiskey and seven shot glasses, each of us took one and waited for him to pour. O
Acknowledgments Thank you, GOD, for this amazing job. I honestly wake up every day pinching myself and wondering how I’m able to do what I love! I’m so honored and blessed to have incredible publishers, readers, bloggers, just PEOPLE in my life who make this job so amazing. I can’t even call it a job, it’s a passion, it’s something I do because I love it so much. Thank you, Erica, for being the best agent around. I can’t even describe how much I think about you and the impact you’ve had on my life. I want to give you to every author out there yet feel so selfish about you at the same time (hah-hah). Skyscape, one of the best publishers in the world: I’m daily honored to work with you and hope to keep writing stories until you tell me no. ;) Thor and Nate: thank you for being so understanding and helping inspire some of my best work! The Rockin’ Readers: GAH, you guys are the best family EVER!!! I’m so lucky to have you and your support. I know that at a drop of the hat I can ask for he
About the Author Photo © 2014 Lauren Watson Perry, Perrywinkle Photography Rachel Van Dyken is a New York Times, Wall Street Journal, and USA Today bestselling author. When she’s not writing about hot hunks for her Regency romance or New Adult fiction books, Rachel is dreaming up new hunks. (The more hunks, the merrier!) While Rachel writes a lot, she also makes sure she enjoys the finer things in life—like The Bachelor and strong coffee. Rachel lives in Idaho with her husband, son, and two boxers. Fans can follow her writing journey at www.RachelVanDykenAuthor.com and www.facebook.com/rachelvandyken.
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