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Index
Introduction Mark Twain A Presidential Candidate George Ade The Lecture Tickets That Were Bought but Never Used O. Henry The Ransom of Red Chief Sinclair Lewis from Babbitt Anita Loos from Gentlemen Prefer Blondes Ring Lardner On Conversation H. L. Mencken Imperial Purple James Thurber More Alarms at Night Dorothy Parker The Waltz S. J. Perelman Farewell, My Lovely Appetizer Langston Hughes Simple Prays a Prayer Frank Sullivan The Night the Old Nostalgia Burned Down E. B. White Across the Street and into the Grill Peter De Vries The House of Mirth Terry Southern from The Magic Christian Lenny Bruce from How to Talk Dirty and Influence People Tom Wolfe The Secret Vice Jean Shepherd The Counterfeit Secret Circle Member Gets the Message, or The Asp Strikes Again Hunter S. Thompson The Kentucky Derby Is Decadent and Depraved Douglas Kenney and Henry Beard from Bored of the Rings Bruce Jay Friedman The Tax Man Philip Roth Letters to Einstein Nora Ephron A Few Words about Breasts Henry Beard, Michael O’Donoghue, George W. S. Trow Our White Heritage Fran Lebowitz Better Read Than Dead: A Revised Opinion Charles Portis Your Action Line Donald Barthelme In the Morning Post Veronica Geng Curb Carter Policy Discord Effort Threat John Hughes Vacation ’58 Mark O’Donnell The Laws of Cartoon Motion Garrison Keillor The Tip-Top Club Bruce McCall Rolled in Rare Bohemian Onyx, Then Vulcanized by Hand Molly Ivins Tough as Bob War and Other Stuff Calvin Trillin Corrections Dave Barry Tips for Women: How to Have a Relationship with a Guy The Onion Clinton Deploys Vowels to Bosnia Susan Orlean Shiftless Little Loafers Roy Blount Jr. Gothic Baseball George Carlin If I Were in Charge of the Networks Ian Frazier Laws Concerning Food and Drink; Household Principles; Lamentations of the Father David Rakoff The Writer’s Life Bernie Mac from I Ain’t Scared of You David Sedaris Buddy, Can You Spare a Tie? Wanda Sykes It’s So Hard Jack Handey What I’d Say to the Martians David Owen Your Three Wishes: F.A.Q. George Saunders Ask the Optimist! Jenny Allen Awake Sloane Crosley The Pony Problem Larry Wilmore If Not an Apology, at Least a “My Bad” Contributors Sources and Acknowledgments
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