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Index
Introduction
Mark Twain
A Presidential Candidate
George Ade
The Lecture Tickets That Were Bought but Never Used
O. Henry
The Ransom of Red Chief
Sinclair Lewis
from Babbitt
Anita Loos
from Gentlemen Prefer Blondes
Ring Lardner
On Conversation
H. L. Mencken
Imperial Purple
James Thurber
More Alarms at Night
Dorothy Parker
The Waltz
S. J. Perelman
Farewell, My Lovely Appetizer
Langston Hughes
Simple Prays a Prayer
Frank Sullivan
The Night the Old Nostalgia Burned Down
E. B. White
Across the Street and into the Grill
Peter De Vries
The House of Mirth
Terry Southern
from The Magic Christian
Lenny Bruce
from How to Talk Dirty and Influence People
Tom Wolfe
The Secret Vice
Jean Shepherd
The Counterfeit Secret Circle Member Gets the Message, or The Asp Strikes Again
Hunter S. Thompson
The Kentucky Derby Is Decadent and Depraved
Douglas Kenney and Henry Beard
from Bored of the Rings
Bruce Jay Friedman
The Tax Man
Philip Roth
Letters to Einstein
Nora Ephron
A Few Words about Breasts
Henry Beard, Michael O’Donoghue, George W. S. Trow
Our White Heritage
Fran Lebowitz
Better Read Than Dead: A Revised Opinion
Charles Portis
Your Action Line
Donald Barthelme
In the Morning Post
Veronica Geng
Curb Carter Policy Discord Effort Threat
John Hughes
Vacation ’58
Mark O’Donnell
The Laws of Cartoon Motion
Garrison Keillor
The Tip-Top Club
Bruce McCall
Rolled in Rare Bohemian Onyx, Then Vulcanized by Hand
Molly Ivins
Tough as Bob War and Other Stuff
Calvin Trillin
Corrections
Dave Barry
Tips for Women: How to Have a Relationship with a Guy
The Onion
Clinton Deploys Vowels to Bosnia
Susan Orlean
Shiftless Little Loafers
Roy Blount Jr.
Gothic Baseball
George Carlin
If I Were in Charge of the Networks
Ian Frazier
Laws Concerning Food and Drink; Household Principles; Lamentations of the Father
David Rakoff
The Writer’s Life
Bernie Mac
from I Ain’t Scared of You
David Sedaris
Buddy, Can You Spare a Tie?
Wanda Sykes
It’s So Hard
Jack Handey
What I’d Say to the Martians
David Owen
Your Three Wishes: F.A.Q.
George Saunders
Ask the Optimist!
Jenny Allen
Awake
Sloane Crosley
The Pony Problem
Larry Wilmore
If Not an Apology, at Least a “My Bad”
Contributors
Sources and Acknowledgments
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