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Imperial Library
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Index
Cover
Other Books by This Author
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
1 . I wanted a dog.
2 . My guinea dog waits at the front door, her leash in her mouth.
3 . I pity celebrities.
4 . Speaking of freaks, here comes Lurena.
5 . I’m almost positive guinea pigs can’t open car doors.
6 . A person can’t run away with a broken foot.
7 . Fido isn’t too fat to fall through sewer grates.
8 . Our fun was ruined by a girl and her hamster.
9 . What I Would Do if I Were Presidog of the United States of America.
10 . Maybe you can unteach a dog tricks.
11 . “You’d whine, too, if you were in jail.”
12 . Yes, I wore earplugs to bed that night.
13 . “Dude, I need you to train my guinea pig.”
14 . Ten reasons a rodent can’t replace a dog.
15 . I turn the house upside down.
16 . I’m not in the mood to hear about hairy, clawed frogs.
17 . DMITRI = DIMWIT.
18 . I am never in the mood to hear about guinea pig bloat.
19 . Lurena turns the house upside down.
20 . Dad found me in the Dump.
21 . The socks gave him away.
22 . Dogs don’t build nests.
23 . Piñatas are twisted.
24 . Tiny turkeys.
25 . One.
26 . “No.”
27 . It’s not my birthday.
28 . Singing is for the birds.
29 . The new bike is fast as lightning, if lightning goes sixteen miles an hour.
30 . Proof my life is weirder than weird.
31 . I’m too young to be a grandpa.
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