Delphi Complete Works of Stephen Leacock by Leacock, Stephen -- Read -- Imperial Library of Trantor

Index

CONTENTS My Financial Career Lord Oxhead’s Secret Boarding-House Geometry The Awful Fate of Melpomenus Jones A Christmas Letter How to Make a Million Dollars How to Live to be 200 How to Avoid Getting Married How to be a Doctor The New Food A New Pathology The Poet Answered The Force of Statistics Men who have Shaved Me Getting the Thread of It Telling His Faults Winter Pastimes The Suburban Trolley Car Number Fifty-Six Aristocratic Education The Conjurer’s Revenge Hints to Travellers A Manual of Education Hoodoo McFiggin’s Christmas The Life of John Smith On Collecting Things Society Chat-Chat Insurance up to Date Borrowing a Match A Lesson in Fiction Helping the Armenians A Study in Still Life. - The Country Hotel An Experiment with Policeman Hogan The Passing of the Poet Self-made Men A Model Dialogue Back to the Bush Reflections on Riding Saloonio Half-hours with the Poets A, B, and C

Nonsense Novels

CONTENTS PREFACE Maddened by Mystery: or, The Defective Detective Q. A Psychic Pstory of the Psupernatural Guido the Gimlet of Ghent: A Romance of Chivalry Gertrude the Governess: or, Simple Seventeen A Hero in Homespun: or, The Life Struggle of Hezekiah Hayloft Sorrows of a Super Soul: or, The Memoirs of Marie Mushenough Hannah of the Highlands: or, The Laird of Loch Aucherlocherty Soaked in Seaweed: or, Upset in the Ocean (An Old-fashioned Sea Story.) Caroline’s Christmas: or, The Inexplicable Infant The Man in Asbestos: An Allegory of the Future

Sunshine Sketches of a Little Town

CONTENTS Preface The Hostelry of Mr. Smith The Speculations of Jefferson Thorpe The Marine Excursions of the Knights of Pythias The Ministrations of the Rev. Mr. Drone The Whirlwind Campaign in Mariposa The Beacon on the Hill The Extraordinary Entanglement of Mr. Pupkin The Fore-ordained Attachment of Zena Pepperleigh and Peter Pupkin The Mariposa Bank Mystery The Great Election in Missinaba County The Candidacy of Mr. Smith L’Envoi. The Train to Mariposa

Behind the Beyond

CONTENTS BEHIND THE BEYOND Act I. - Behind the Beyond Act II. - Six Months Later Act III. Three Months Later FAMILIAR INCIDENTS I. - With the Photographer II. - The Dentist and the Gas III. - My Lost Opportunities IV. - My Unknown Friend V. - Under the Barber’s Knife PARISIAN PASTIMES I. - The Advantages of a Polite Education II. - The Joys of Philanthropy III. - The Simple Life in Paris IV. - A Visit to Versailles V. - Paris at Night THE RETROACTIVE EXISTENCE OF MR. JUGGINS MAKING A MAGAZINE (The Dream of a Contributor) HOMER AND HUMBUG

Arcadian Adventures with the Idle Rich

A Little Dinner with Mr. Lucullus Fyshe The Wizard of Finance The Arrested Philanthropy of Mr. Tomlinson The Yahi-Bahi Oriental Society of Mrs. Rasselyer-Brown The Love Story of Mr. Peter Spillikins The Rival Churches of St. Asaph and St. Osoph The Ministrations of the Rev. Uttermust Dumfarthing The Great Fight for Clean Government

Moonbeams from the Larger Lunacy

CONTENTS PREFACE SPOOF. A Thousand-Guinea Novel. New! Fascinating! Perplexing! THE READING PUBLIC. A BOOK STORE STUDY AFTERNOON ADVENTURES AT MY CLUB RAM SPUDD THE NEW WORLD SINGER. ARISTOCRATIC ANECDOTES OR LITTLE STORIES OF GREAT PEOPLE EDUCATION MADE AGREEABLE OR THE DIVERSIONS OF A PROFESSOR AN EVERY-DAY EXPERIENCE TRUTHFUL ORATORY OUR LITERARY BUREAU SPEEDING UP BUSINESS WHO IS ALSO WHO PASSIONATE PARAGRAPHS WEEJEE THE PET DOG SIDELIGHTS ON THE SUPERMEN THE SURVIVAL OF THE FITTEST THE FIRST NEWSPAPER IN THE GOOD TIME AFTER THE WAR

Further Foolishness

CONTENTS Preface Follies in Fiction Stories Shorter Still Snoopopaths; or, Fifty Stories in One Foreign Fiction in Imported Instalments. Madeline of the Movies: A Photoplay done back into Words The Call of the Carburettor, or, Mr. Blinks and his Friends The Two Sexes in Fives or Sixes. A Dinner-party Study The Grass Bachelor’s Guide. With sincere Apologies to the Ladies’ Periodicals Every Man and his Friends. Mr. Crunch’s Portrait Gallery (as Edited from his Private Thoughts) More than Twice-told Tales; or, Every Man his Own Hero A Study in Still Life - My Tailor Germany from Within Out Abdul Aziz has His: An Adventure in the Yildiz Kiosk In Merry Mexico Over the Grape Juice; or, The Peacemakers The White House from Without In Are the Rich Happy? Humour as I See It

Essays and Literary Studies

CONTENTS The Apology of a Professor The Devil and the Deep Sea A Discussion of Modern Morality Literature and Education in America American Humour The Woman Question The Lot of the Schoolmaster Fiction and Reality A Study of the Art of Charles Dickens The Amazing Genius of O. Henry A Rehabilitation of Charles II

Frenzied Fiction

CONTENTS My Revelations as a Spy Father Knickerbocker: A Fantasy The Prophet in Our Midst Personal Adventures in the Spirit World The Sorrows of a Summer Guest To Nature and Back Again The Cave-Man as He is Ideal Interviews The New Education The Errors of Santa Claus Lost in New York This Strenuous Age The Old, Old Story of How Five Men Went Fishing Back from the Land The Perplexity Column as Done by the Jaded Journalist Simple Stories of Success, or How to Succeed in Life In Dry Toronto Merry Christmas

The Hohenzollerns in America

CONTENTS The Hohenzollerns in America PREFACE CHAPTER I CHAPTER II CHAPTER III CHAPTER IV CHAPTER V CHAPTER VI With the Bolsheviks in Berlin Afternoon Tea with the Sultan Echoes of the War The Boy Who Came Back The War Sacrifices of Mr. Spugg If Germany Had Won War and Peace at the Galaxy Club The War News as I Remember it Some Just Complaints about the War Some Startling Side Effects of the War Other Impossibilities The Art of Conversation Heroes and Heroines The Discovery of America; Being Done into Moving Pictures and Out Again Politics from Within The Lost Illusions of Mr. Sims Fetching the Doctor: From Recollections of Childhood in the Canadian Countryside

Winsome Winnie

CONTENTS WINSOME WINNIE. OR, TRIAL AND TEMPTATION CHAPTER I. THROWN ON THE WORLD CHAPTER II. A RENCOUNTER CHAPTER III. FRIENDS IN DISTRESS CHAPTER IV. A GAMBLING PARTY IN ST. JAMES’S CLOSE CHAPTER V. THE ABDUCTION CHAPTER VI. THE UNKNOWN CHAPTER VII. THE PROPOSAL CHAPTER VIII. WEDDED AT LAST JOHN AND I. OR, HOW I NEARLY LOST MY HUSBAND THE SPLIT IN THE CABINET. OR, THE FATE OF ENGLAND CHAPTER I. CHAPTER II. CHAPTER III. CHAPTER IV. CHAPTER V. CHAPTER VI. WHO DO YOU THINK DID IT? OR, THE MIXED-UP MURDER MYSTERY CHAPTER I. HE DINED WITH ME LAST NIGHT CHAPTER II. I MUST SAVE HER LIFE CHAPTER III. I MUST BUY A BOOK ON BILLIARDS CHAPTER IV. THAT IS NOT BILLIARD CHALK CHAPTER V. HAS ANYBODY HERE SEEN KELLY? CHAPTER VI. SHOW ME THE MAN WHO WORE THOSE BOOTS CHAPTER VII. OH, MR. KENT, SAVE ME! CHAPTER VIII. YOU ARE PETER KELLY CHAPTER IX. LET ME TELL YOU THE STORY OF MY LIFE CHAPTER X. SO DO I BROKEN BARRIERS. OR, RED LOVE ON A BLUE ISLAND THE KIDNAPPED PLUMBER. A TALE OF THE NEW TIME THE BLUE AND THE GREY. A PRE-WAR WAR STORY CHAPTER I. CHAPTER II. CHAPTER III. CHAPTER IV. CHAPTER V. CONCLUSION BUGGAM GRANGE. A GOOD OLD GHOST STORY

My Discovery of England

CONTENTS Introduction of Mr. Stephen Leacock Given by Sir Owen Seaman on the Occasion of His First Lecture in London The Balance of Trade in Impressions I Am Interviewed by the Press Impressions of London A Clear View of the Government and Politics of England Oxford as I See It The British and the American Press Business in England. Wanted - More Profiteers Is Prohibition Coming to England? We Have With Us To-night Have the English any Sense of Humour?

College Days

CONTENTS PREFACE My College Days: a Retrospect My Memories and Miseries as a Schoolmaster Laus Varsitatis The Oldest Living Graduate The Faculty of Arts English as She is Taught at College Little Glimpses of the College Future A Subscription with Reflections Toronto and McGill The Children’s Corner A Sermon on College Humour A Christmas Examination Idleness The Old College and the New University The Diversions of a Professor of History

Over the Footlights

CONTENTS Cast Up by the Sea. A Sea Coast Melodrama (As Thrown up for 30 cents) - Period, 1880 The Soul Call. An Up-to-date Piffle Play. Period, 1923. (In Which a Man and Woman, Both Trying to Find Themselves, Find One Another) Dead Men’s Gold. A film of the great Nevada desert in which Red-Blooded, Able-Bodied Men and Women a hundred per cent American live and love among the cactus and chaparral. Something of the Ozone of the Cow Pasture mingled with the gloom of the great canyons blows all through this play. Oroastus - A Greek Tragedy. (As presented in our colleges) The Sub-Contractor. An Ibsen Play. Done out of the Original Norwegian with an axe. Historical Drama The Russian Drama The Platter of Life People We Meet in the Movies. The Vampire Woman; as Met in the Movies The Raft: An Interlude OTHER FANCIES First Call for Spring. - or - . Oh, Listen to the Birds How I Succeeded in My Business. Secrets of Success as Related in the Best Current Literature The Dry Banquet My Lost Dollar Radio A New Form of Trouble Roughing It in the Bush. My Plans for Moose Hunting in the Canadian Wilderness Abolishing the Heroine. (A Plea that Fewer Heroines and More Crimes Would Add Sprightliness to our Fiction) My Affair with My Landlord Why I Refuse to Play Golf The Approach of the Comet. Do You Really Care if it Hits You? Personal Experiments with the Black Bass L’Envoi. The Faded Actor

The Garden of Folly

CONTENTS PREFACE. CONCERNING HUMOUR AND HUMOURISTS The Secrets of Success The Human Mind Up To Date The Human Body - Its Care and Prevention The Perfect Salesman Romances of Business The Perfect Lover’s Guide The Restoration of Whiskers Little Glimpses of the Future in America My Unposted Correspondence Letters to the New Rulers of the World

Winnowed Wisdom

CONTENTS Author’s Preface The Outlines of Everything Brotherly Love Among the Nations Studies in the Newer Culture In the Good Old Summertime Travel and Movement Great National Problems Round Our City The Christmas Ghost

Short Circuits

CONTENTS Short Circuits in the Social Current Old Junk and New Money Speaking of India - - WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR HUSBAND TELLS IN COMPANY HIS SAME OLD STORY How to Borrow Money THE PROCESS IS QUITE EASY, PROVIDED YOU BORROW ENOUGH Life’s Minor Contradictions THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THINGS AS THEY ARE AND AS THEY SEEM A Great Life in Our Midst JOE BROWN, CHAMPION PIE EATER The Perfect Gift A LITTLE STUDY IN THE ART OF TASTEFUL GIVING Scenery and Signboards A VISION OF TRAVEL FROM NEW YORK TO WASHINGTON The Life of John Mutation Smith HOW A TYPICAL CITIZEN OF TO-DAY MOVES THROUGH HIS EXISTENCE Inference as an Art HOW EVEN AN AMATEUR MAY FORGE A CHAIN OF LOGIC Our Get-Together Movement THE WAY WE HAVE ORGANIZED TO “GET TOGETHER” IN OUR TOWN Short Circuits in the Open Air A Lesson on the Links THE APPLICATION OF MATHEMATICS TO GOLF The Family at Football SHOWING HOW THE GREAT COLLEGE CHAMPIONSHIP GAME OF THE SEASON WAS VARIOUSLY REPORTED Life in the Open REFLECTIONS VOUCHSAFED TO ME BY MY HOSTESS IN THE WILDERNESS Save Me from My Friends Save Me from My Friends FROM MY FRIEND THE DEADBEAT FROM MY FRIEND THE REPORTER FROM MY FRIEND WITH A SPEECH TO MAKE FROM MY FRIEND THE GUIDE People We Know People We Know THE MAN IN THE PULLMAN CAR THE CRIMINAL BY PROXY THE PEOPLE JUST BACK FROM EUROPE WHO NEVER SHOULD HAVE LEFT HOME THE MAN WITH THE ADVENTURE STORY Short Circuits in Education A Year at College AS REVEALED IN THE NEWER COMIC JOURNALISM The Unintelligence Test WHAT A WELL-EQUIPPED MAN OUGHT TO KNOW Easy Ways to Success A LETTER TO A PARLOR BOLSHEVIK JUST OUT OF COLLEGE Fun as an Aid to Business IS A SENSE OF HUMOR A FINANCIAL ASSET? The Stamp-Album World THE HABITABLE GLOBE AS SEEN THROUGH THE EYES OF THE JUVENILE COLLECTOR Short Circuits by Radio and Cinema If Only We Had the Radio Sooner BROADCASTING THE NORMAN CONQUEST What the Radio Overheard AN EVENING AT HOME OF THE UPTOWN BROWNS One Crowded Quarter Second HOW THEY MAKE LIFE MOVE IN THE MOVIES Done into Movies BUT CAN YOU RECOGNIZE THE GOOD OLD STORIES WHEN THEY GET THEM DONE? Short Circuits in International Relations Things I Hardly Dare Whisper MORE REVELATIONS OF ANOTHER UNKNOWN EUROPEAN DIPLOMAT. BY AN UNDISCLOSED AUTHOR OF EUROPEAN DISREPUTATION. TWO VOLUMES. TEN DOLLARS EACH, OR THE TWO FOR SEVEN-FIFTY. Hands Across the Sea WHAT WILL HAPPEN WHEN AMERICA HAS REMOVED ALL THE EUROPEAN ART If They Go on Swimming A FORECAST OF THE END OF A NEW INTERNATIONAL CRAZE If Mussolini Comes WHAT WE WOULD BE ENTITLED TO CONCLUDE WOULD OCCUR This World Championship Stuff AND WHY I AM OUT OF IT Get Off the Earth NOW THAT THIS GLOBE IS USED UP, LET’S LOOK FOR ANOTHER Bygone Currents The Lost World of Yesterday A PEN PICTURE OF THE VANISHED PAST - THE HORSE AND BUGGY Come Back to School AND LET US SEE WHAT THE DEAR OLD DAYS FELT LIKE The Fall Fair and the Autumn Exposition A COMPARISON OF MIDGEVILLE IN 1880 AND MIDGE CITY IN 1928 Extinct Monsters ALL THAT WILL BE LEFT OF OUR HOUSEHOLD PETS IN 1,000 YEARS The Passing of the Back Yard ANOTHER SOCIAL REVOLUTION COMING STRAIGHT AT US Short Circuits in Current Literature The Literary Sensations of 1929 A CONFIDENTIAL GUIDE TO THE NEW BOOKS Children’s Poetry Revised HOW THE DEAR OLD POEMS OF OUR CHILDHOOD NEED TO BE BROUGHT UP TO DATE Illustrations I Can Do Without SOME GENTLE SUGGESTIONS FOR THE CONTEMPORARY ILLUSTRATED MAGAZINES Our Summer Pets AS PRESENTED BY OUR ENTHUSIASTIC NATURE WRITERS The Old Men’s Page A BRAND NEW FEATURE IN JOURNALISM A Guide to the Underworld A LITTLE UNSOCIAL REGISTER FOR THE USE OF READERS OF UP-TO-DATE FICTION Love Me, Love My Letters THE USE OF INK FOR THE FIRST INKLINGS OF LOVE With the Authorities SHOWING HOW EASILY THEY EXCEL AT THEIR OWN GAMES Literature and the Eighteenth Amendment The Hunt for a Heroine HOW THE FICTION WRITER STRUGGLES TO MAKE AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN Bed-time Stories for Grown-up People WITH APOLOGIES TO OUR BEST CHILDREN’S WRITERS Softening the Stories for the Children BUT DON’T DO IT: THEY PREFER THEM ROUGH The Great Detective The Epilogue of This Book: An Elegy Near a City Freight Yard The Epilogue of This Book

The Iron Man and the Tin Woman

CONTENTS PICTURES OF THE BRIGHT TIME TO COME The Iron Man and the Tin Woman Further Progress in Specialization When Social Regulation is Complete Isn’t It Just Wonderful? The Last of the Rubber Necks Athletics for 1950 The Criminal Face Astronomical Alarms GREAT LIVES IN OUR MIDST Memoirs of an Iceman The Memoirs of a Night Watchman Confessions of a Super-Extra-Criminal The Life of J. Correspondence Smith Eddie the Bartender Janus and the Janitor The Intimate Disclosures of a Wronged Woman TO-DAY AND TO-MORROW Little Conversations of the Hour Travel is so Broadening Tommy and Milly at the Farm Life’s Little Inconsistencies New Words - New Things More Messages from Mars Portents of the Future Rural Urbanity COLLEGE NOW AND COLLEGE THEN All Up! Willie Nut Tries to Enter College Graduation Day at the Barbers College Correspondence Manual Number One IN THE GOLF STREAM The Golfomaniac The Golfer’s Pocket Guide The Golf Season in Retrospect FUTURITY IN FICTION Long After Bedtime The Newer Truthfulness A Midsummer Detective Mystery Little Lessons in Journalism More Literary Scandals Who Reads What Overhauling the Encyclopedia Jazzled Journalism This Heart-to-Heart Stuff ALSO: -- Forty Years of Billiards The Hero of Home Week Conversations I Can Do Without Mr. Chairman, I Beg to Move -- Fifty Cents Worth

Laugh with Leacock

CONTENTS My Financial Career Buggam Grange: A Good Old Ghost Story How We Kept Mother’s Day. As Related by a Member of the Family The Laundry Problem. A Yearning for the Good Old Days of the Humble Washerwoman The Great Detective The Old, Old Story of How Five Men Went Fishing Guido the Gimlet of Ghent: A Romance of Chivalry The Hallucination of Mr. Butt Cast Up by the Sea. A Sea Coast Melodrama (As Thrown up for 30 cents) - Period, 1880 How My Wife and I Built Our Home for $4.90. Related in the Manner of the Best Models in the Magazines Softening the Stories for the Children. But Don’t Do It: They Prefer Them Rough The Everlasting Angler The Golfomaniac Gertrude the Governess: or, Simple Seventeen. Synopsis of Previous Chapters:. There are no Previous Chapters. Letters to the New Rulers of the World The Marine Excursion of the Knights of Pythias My Lost Dollar Personal Experiments with the Black Bass The Restoration of Whiskers a Neglected Factor in the Decline of Knowledge Old Junk and New Money. A Little Study in the Latest Antiques Oxford as I See It The Snoopopaths or Fifty Stories in One My Affair with My Landlord The Give and Take of Travel. A Study in Petty Larceny, Pro and Con The Retroactive Existence of Mr. Juggins Homer and Humbug, an Academic Discussion We Have with Us To-Night Caroline’s Christmas: or, The Inexplicable Infant Father Knickerbocker - A Fantasy Simple Stories of Success or How to Succeed in Life Historical Drama Humour As I See It L’Envoi. The Faded Actor

The Dry Pickwick

CONTENTS INTRODUCTION THE REVISED OR DRY PICKWICK RATIFICATION OF THE NEW NAVAL DISAGREEMENT. (An Extract from the Annual Register of 1933) A MEDIÆVAL HOLE IN ONE. WET GOLF IN DRY HISTORY THE GREAT WAR AS RECORDED BY MR. WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE. EXTRAORDINARY WAR PLAY DISCOVERED AT STRATFORD-ON-AVON IF THE GANDHI HABIT SPREADS. WHAT IF ALL THE POLITICIANS STRIP TO THE WAIST IN PRAISE OF THE AMERICANS. THOUGHTS SUGGESTED BY WRITING THE FIRST STORY IN THIS BOOK ONCE TO EVERYMAN CONFESSIONS OF A SODA FIEND. WRITTEN FROM A CONDEMNED CELL A GUIDE TO THE PROVINCE OF QUEBEC. FOR THE USE OF AMERICAN TOURISTS REVISED EDITION WHY THE NEXT WAR DIDN’T HAPPEN. AN ATTEMPT TO REASSURE THE PUBLIC A, B, AND C. after twenty years BREAKFAST AT THE SMITHS’. A LITTLE STUDY IN THE BEAUTY OF CHEERFULNESS THE PERFECT OPTIMIST. OR DAY-DREAMS IN A DENTAL CHAIR CHILDREN’S POETRY REVISED TUM AND PLAY DOLF. WHAT WILL HAPPEN WHEN MINIATURE GOLF GETS IN ITS EFFECT ON THE HUMAN MIND HO FOR HAPPINESS. A PLEA FOR LIGHTER AND BRIGHTER LITERATURE TENNIS AT THE SMITHS’. A SIMPLE STATEMENT OF THE FACTS A BUTLER OF THE OLD SCHOOL THE FLYING CARPET. BUT WHERE COULD IT FLY TO, NOW? COME AND SEE OUR TOWN. HOW THE VISITOR FEELS WHEN SHOWN AROUND INFLATION AND DEFLATION or FLATION IN AND DE L’ENVOI: WHAT NEXT?. A GLIMPSE INTO OUR ULTIMATE FUTURE

Afternoons in Utopia

CONTENTS Part I. Utopia Old and New Chapter I. Dear Old Utopia Chapter II. Ten Seconds for Refreshments Chapter III. The Real Utopia Part II. Grandfather Goes to War Chapter I. War Stuff Chapter II. He Goes in A.D. 1810 Chapter III. He Goes in 1950 Chapter IV. With the League of Nations, A.D. 2000 Or So Chapter V. War in Utopia, Later Still Chapter VI. War Extracts from the Press of A.D. 2050 Part III. The Doctor and the Contraption Chapter I. Medicine As It Was Chapter II. Medicine Year, 1932 Chapter III. The Walrus and the Carpenter Part IV. Rah! Rah! College or Tom Buncom at Shucksford Chapter I. Introduction - Anno Domini 1880 Chapter II. A First Day at College Chapter III. The Rah Rah Life Chapter IV. Danger Ahead Chapter V. Sunk and Saved! Chapter VI. College in Utopia Chapter VII. The Dissolution of Shucksford College A.D. 2000 Part V. The Band of Brothers Chapter I. Reflections on the Fall of Capitalism Chapter II. Our Courts of Justice Chapter III. Our System in Operation Chapter IV. Lights and Shadows Chapter V. Revolution Part VI. A Fragment from Utopia Chapter I. The Fifty-fifty Sexes

Hellements of Hickonomics in Hiccoughs of Verse Done in Our Social Planning Mill

CONTENTS PREFACE THE SOCIAL PLAN DEAD CERTAINTY THE RANCHMAN’S REVERIE HAPPY JIM, THE CONSUMER OH! MR. MALTHUS! MEET MR. WEGG, BANKER FINALE AN EDUCATIONAL APPENDIX

Model Memoirs

CONTENTS PREFACE MODEL MEMOIRS MODEL MONOLOGUES THE DISSOLUTION OF OUR DINNER CLUB HOW TO LOSE MONEY THE FAMILIAR MAGIC OF FISHING OVERWORKING THE ALPHABET ON THE NEED FOR A QUIET COLLEGE TURN BACK THE CLOCK QUALITY DOES IT COME OUT INTO THE GARDEN THE ANATOMY OF GLOOM A DIP INTO PSYCHOLOGY THEN AND NOW THROWN OUT WHAT I READ THEN; WHAT YOU READ NOW HAND ME DOWN THAT BOOK WHO KNOWS IT? HOW MUCH DOES LANGUAGE CHANGE? HOW FAR CAN WE PLAN? COLLEGE AS COMIC STUFF ALL IS NOT LOST!

Too Much College

CONTENTS PREFACE TOO MUCH COLLEGE CHAPTER I. EDUCATION EATING UP LIFE CHAPTER II. THE MACHINE AT WORK CHAPTER III. WHAT GOOD IS LATIN? CHAPTER IV. MATHEMATICS VERSUS PUZZLES CHAPTER V. PARLEZ-VOUS FRANÇAIS? OR, WHY CAN’T WE LEARN MODERN LANGUAGES? CHAPTER VI. HAS ECONOMICS GONE TO SEED? CHAPTER VII. PSYCHOLOGY THE BLACK ART OF THE COLLEGE CHAPTER VIII. TEACHING THE UNTEACHABLE CHAPTER IX. RAH! RAH! COLLEGE! KINDRED ESSAYS IN EDUCATION AND HUMOUR WHEN MEN RETIRE AS HISTORY GROWS DIM TWENTY CENTS’ WORTH OF MURDER READER’S JUNK LITTLE STORIES FOR GOOD LUCK THREE ON EACH NOTHING MISSING THINKING OF TOMORROW INFORMATION WHILE YOU DRINK NO PLACE FOR GENTLEMEN WE HAVE WITH US TONIGHT A HUMBLE LOVER THE MAGIC OF FINANCE HE GUESSED RIGHT ELECTRIC SERVICE OUR VANISHED INDUSTRIES COULDN’T SLEEP A WINK GO TO MOTHER FIVE DOLLARS, RIGHT NOW ARE PROFESSORS ABSENT-MINDED? WANTED: A GOLD-FISH MUSHROOMS HELP WANTED ATMOSPHERE FREEDOM OF THOUGHT HIS BETTER SELF OH, SLEEP! OH, GENTLE SLEEP! EPILOGUE BASS FISHING ON LAKE SIMCOE WITH JAKE GAUDAUR

My Remarkable Uncle

CONTENTS SOME MEMORIES I - MY REMARKABLE UNCLE SOME MEMORIES II - THE OLD FARM AND THE NEW FRAME SOME MEMORIES III - THE STRUGGLE TO MAKE US GENTLEMEN. A MEMORY OF MY OLD SCHOOL LITERARY STUDIES I - THE BRITISH SOLDIER Soldier, soldier, will you marry me, With your knapsack, fife and drum? LITERARY STUDIES II - THE MATHEMATICAL PROBLEM OF THE LOST CHORD LITERARY STUDIES III - THE PASSING OF THE KITCHEN LITERARY STUDIES IV - COME BACK TO SCHOOL LITERARY STUDIES V - WHAT’S IN A NAME? LITERARY STUDIES VI - WHO CANONIZES THE CLASSICS? AMONG THE ANTIQUES - AN ADVENTURE OF AFTERNOON TEA SPORTING SECTION I - WHAT IS A SPORT? SPORTING SECTION II - WHY DO WE FISH? THE COMPLETE PHILOSOPHY OF THE ANGLER SPORTING SECTION III - WHEN FELLERS GO FISHING SPORTING SECTION IV - EATING AIR A DISCOURSE ON THE MAGIC OF EATING OUT OF DOORS STUDIES IN HUMOUR I - THE SAVING GRACE OF HUMOUR IS THERE ANY? STUDIES IN HUMOUR II - LAUGHING OFF OUR HISTORY STUDIES IN HUMOUR III - WAR AND HUMOUR MEMORIES OF CHRISTMAS I - CHRISTMAS RAPTURE PRE-WAR MEMORIES OF CHRISTMAS II - CHRISTMAS SHOPPING PRE-WAR MEMORIES OF CHRISTMAS III - WAR-TIME CHRISTMAS: SANTA CLAUS MEMORIES OF CHRISTMAS IV - WAR-TIME CHRISTMAS: 1941 GOODWILL FOR AMERICA I - CRICKET FOR AMERICANS GOODWILL FOR AMERICA II - OUR AMERICAN VISITORS GOODWILL FOR AMERICA III - A WELCOME TO A VISITING AMERICAN At the Canadian National Exhibition GOODWILL FOR AMERICA IV - UNCLE SAM: AN ALLEGORY THE TRANSIT OF VENUS - A COLLEGE STORY MIGRATION IN ENGLISH LITERATURE - A STUDY OF ENGLAND AND AMERICA THREE SCORE AND TEN - THE BUSINESS OF GROWING OLD THE PERFECT INDEX - THERE IS NO INDEX, AND WHY L’ENVOI: A SALUTATION ACROSS THE SEA

Happy Stories

CONTENTS PREFACE MR. McCOY SAILS FOR FIJI PAWN TO KING’S FOUR IMPERVIOUS TO WOMEN THE JONES’S ENCHANTED CASTLE MR. ALCORN IMPROVES HIMSELF CLOUDS THAT ROLLED BY: MR. ALLDONE’S AWFUL DAY ANGEL POND, LURE OF THE NORTH COOKING FOR VICTORY GOOD NEWS! A NEW PARTY! THE LIFE OF LEA AND PERRINS A MORNING OFF MR. PLUMTER, B.A., REVISITS THE OLD SHOP ALLEGORY ISLAND DAMON AND PYTHIAS, BARRISTERS, SOLICITORS, ETC. BOOM TIMES MARIPOSA MOVES ON THE HAPPY WARRIOR NATIONAL DEBT, NATIONAL BLESSING THE SULTAN SPEAKS FROM THE GRAVE HAVE YOU GOT EVEN ONE CENT? THE RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION OF ANGUS McCORDELL THE CHAIRMAN’S WALKING STICK GOING! GOING! GONE! A NEW HEAVEN AND A NEW EARTH

Last Leaves

CONTENTS Are Witty Women Attractive to Men? Living with Murder What Can Izaak Walton Teach Us? A Lecture on Walking Good-bye, Motor Car! Common Sense and the Universe An Apology for the British Empire Britain and Canada Old Phases and New Generals I Have Trained This Business of Prophecy Rebuilding the Cities Casting Out Animosity Woman’s Level The School Is the Lever To Every Child Gold Can We Beat Inflation? Uncle Sam, Good Neighbour An Allegory All Right, Mr. Roosevelt Canada and the United States Alice Walks in Wonderland Gilbert’s “Bab” Ballads

The Short Stories List of Short Stories in Chronological Order List of Short Stories in Alphabetical Order The Play “Q”: A Farce in One Act

CONTENTS SCENERY CHARACTERS Q. A PSYCHIC PSTORY OF THE PSUPER NATURAL

The Non-Fiction Elements of Political Science

CONTENTS PART I. THE NATURE OF THE STATE CHAPTER I. POLITICAL SCIENCE, THE THEORY OF THE STATE CHAPTER II. ORIGIN OF THE STATE; FALLACIOUS THEORIES CHAPTER III. THE TRUE ORIGIN OF THE STATE CHAPTER IV. THE SOVEREIGNTY OF THE STATE CHAPTER V. THE LIBERTY OF THE INDIVIDUAL CHAPTER VI. RELATION OF STATES TO ONE ANOTHER CHAPTER VII. THE FORM OF THE STATE PART II. THE STRUCTURE OF THE GOVERNMENT CHAPTER I. THE SEPARATION OF POWERS CHAPTER II. THE LEGISLATURE CHAPTER III. THE EXECUTIVE CHAPTER IV. THE JUDICIARY AND THE ELECTORATE CHAPTER V. FEDERAL GOVERNMENT CHAPTER VI. COLONIAL GOVERNMENT CHAPTER VII. LOCAL GOVERNMENT CHAPTER VIII. PARTY GOVERNMENT PART III. THE PROVINCE OF GOVERNMENT CHAPTER I. INDIVIDUALISM CHAPTER II. SOCIALISM CHAPTER III. THE MODERN STATE

Baldwin, Lafontaine, Hincks: Responsible Government

CONTENTS PREFACE CHAPTER I CHAPTER II CHAPTER III CHAPTER IV CHAPTER V CHAPTER VI CHAPTER VII CHAPTER VIII CHAPTER IX CHAPTER X CHAPTER XI

Adventurers of the Far North

CONTENTS CHAPTER I. THE GREAT ELIZABETHAN NAVIGATORS CHAPTER II. HEARNE’S OVERLAND JOURNEY TO THE NORTHERN OCEAN CHAPTER III. MACKENZIE DESCENDS THE GREAT RIVER OF THE NORTH CHAPTER IV. THE MEMORABLE EXPLOITS OF SIR JOHN FRANKLIN CHAPTER V. THE TRAGEDY OF FRANKLIN’S FATE CHAPTER VI. EPILOGUE. THE CONQUEST OF THE POLE BIBLIOGRAPHICAL NOTE

The Dawn of Canadian History

CONTENTS CHAPTER I. BEFORE THE DAWN CHAPTER II. MAN IN AMERICA CHAPTER III. THE ABORIGINES OF CANADA CHAPTER IV. THE LEGEND OF THE NORSEMEN CHAPTER V. THE BRISTOL VOYAGES CHAPTER VI. FORERUNNERS OF JACQUES CARTIER BIBLIOGRAPHICAL NOTE

The Mariner of St. Malo

CONTENTS CHAPTER I. EARLY LIFE CHAPTER II. THE FIRST VOYAGE - NEWFOUNDLAND AND LABRADOR CHAPTER III. THE FIRST VOYAGE - THE GULF OF ST LAWRENCE CHAPTER IV. THE SECOND VOYAGE - THE ST LAWRENCE CHAPTER V. THE SECOND VOYAGE - STADACONA CHAPTER VI. THE SECOND VOYAGE - HOCHELAGA CHAPTER VII. THE SECOND VOYAGE - WINTER AT STADACONA CHAPTER VIII. THE THIRD VOYAGE CHAPTER IX. THE CLOSE OF CARTIER’S CAREER ITINERARY OF CARTIER’S VOYAGES BIBLIOGRAPHICAL NOTE

The Unsolved Riddle of Social Justice

CONTENTS I. - The Troubled Outlook of the Present Hour II. - Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness III. - The Failures and Fallacies of Natural Liberty IV. - Work and Wages V. - The Land of Dreams: The Utopia of the Socialist VI. - How Mr. Bellamy Looked Backward VII. - What Is Possible and What Is Not

Mackenzie, Baldwin, Lafontaine, Hincks

CONTENTS EDITOR’S PREFACE CHAPTER I. INTRODUCTORY CHAPTER II. THE MODERATE REFORMERS AND THE CANADIAN REBELLION CHAPTER III. THE UNION OF THE CANADAS CHAPTER IV. LORD SYDENHAM AND RESPONSIBLE GOVERNMENT CHAPTER V. FIRST LAFONTAINE-BALDWIN MINISTRY CHAPTER VI. THE COMING OF METCALFE CHAPTER VII. THE METCALFE CRISIS CHAPTER VIII. IN OPPOSITION CHAPTER IX. THE SECOND LAFONTAINE-BALDWIN MINISTRY CHAPTER X. THE REBELLION LOSSES BILL CHAPTER XI. THE END OF THE MINISTRY

Economic Prosperity in the British Empire

CONTENTS FOREWORD PART I. UNTIL NOW CHAPTER I. THE EMPIRE AS A PROPRIETARY ASSET CHAPTER II. THE POSSIBLE EXPANSION OF THE WHITE RACE WITHIN THE BRITISH EMPIRE CHAPTER III. THE HISTORICAL DEVELOPMENT OF ECONOMIC RELATIONS WITHIN THE EMPIRE CHAPTER IV. THE MIGRATION OF POPULATION IN THE PAST CHAPTER V. THE EXPORT AND INVESTMENT OF BRITISH CAPITAL PART II. FROM NOW ON CHAPTER I. A PROPOSAL FOR AN INTEGRATED TARIFF SYSTEM WITHIN THE EMPIRE CHAPTER II. A PROPOSAL OF POLICY FOR THE SETTLEMENT OF NEW COUNTRY CHAPTER III. THE INTEGRATION OF CREDIT, CURRENCY, AND CAPITAL CHAPTER IV. THE INTELLECTUAL UNITY OF THE EMPIRE CHAPTER V. WHAT TO DO AND HOW TO DO IT: THE WORK OF AN ECONOMIC CONFERENCE

Mark Twain

CONTENTS CHILDHOOD AND YOUTH - MARK TWAIN AS TOM SAWYER - 1835-1857 LIFE ON THE MISSISSIPPI. 1857-1861 ROUGHING IT IN THE WEST. 1861-1866 INNOCENTS ABROAD AND AT HOME. 1867-1870 THE FLOOD-TIDE OF SUCCESS. 1870-1877 MARK TWAIN AS A NATIONAL ASSET. 1877-1894 DISASTER - 1894-1900 THE EVENING OF A LONG DAY. 1900-1910 CHRONOLOGY OF THE LIFE AND WORK OF MARK TWAIN. [Samuel Langhorne Clemens] BIBLIOGRAPHY

Charles Dickens: His Life and Work

CONTENTS CHAPTER I. THE CHILDHOOD AND YOUTH OF CHARLES DICKENS CHAPTER II. MR. PICKWICK TAKES THE WORLD BY STORM CHAPTER III. BOZ CONQUERS ENGLAND CHAPTER IV. ‘BOZ’ VISITS AMERICA 1842 CHAPTER V. YEARS OF SUCCESS 1842-1847 CHAPTER VI. FLOOD TIDE (1845-1850) CHAPTER VII. BLEAK HOUSE AND SOCIAL REFORM (1850-1854) CHAPTER VIII. DICKENS AS AN EDITOR (1854-1857) CHAPTER IX. DICKENS SEPARATES FROM HIS WIFE (1858) CHAPTER X. DICKENS TAKES THE PLATFORM (1858-1865) CHAPTER XI. THE SECOND VISIT TO AMERICA CHAPTER XII. CLOSING IN - THE CLOSE (1870) CHAPTER XIII. THE MYSTERY OF MORE THAN EDWIN DROOD EPILOGUE CHRONOLOGY

Humor: Its Theory and Technique, with Examples and Samples

CONTENTS CHAPTER I. AN ANALYSIS OF HUMOR CHAPTER II. FUN WITH WORDS CHAPTER III. PARODY, BURLESQUE AND MISTRANSLATION CHAPTER IV. TECHNIQUE OF THE GREATER HUMORISTS: CHARLES DICKENS AND MARK TWAIN CHAPTER V. COMIC AND SUPER-COMIC VERSE CHAPTER VI. AN APPENDED SAMPLE CHAPTER VII. STORY TELLERS AND STORY KILLERS CHAPTER VIII. NATIONAL CHARACTERISTICS CHAPTER IX. HUMOR THROUGH THE AGES CHAPTER X. THIS VERY MINUTE CHAPTER XI. EPILOGUE: FROM THE RIDICULOUS TO THE SUBLIME

The Greatest Pages of American Humor

CONTENTS Chapter One . THE ORIGINS OF AMERICAN HUMOR Chapter Two . SELECTIONS FROM BENJAMIN FRANKLIN’S WORKS Chapter Three . CLASSIC AMERICA SMILES Chapter Four . SELECTIONS FROM IRVING AND HAWTHORNE RIP VAN WINKLE Chapter Five . DEMOCRACY STARTS A LAUGH OF ITS OWN Chapter Six . SELECTIONS FROM CROCKETT, MAJOR DOWNING AND JOSH BILLINGS Chapter Seven . ARTEMUS WARD: HIS LIFE, HIS BOOK, HIS DEATH Chapter Eight . SUNRISE IN THE WEST Chapter Nine . BRET HARTE’S LOTH AW Chapter Ten . MARK TWAIN Chapter Eleven . SELECTIONS FROM MARK TWAIN Chapter Twelve . THE “AFTER-MARK” OF AMERICAN HUMOR Chapter Thirteen. SELECTIONS FROM MAX ADELER, UNCLE REMUS AND OLIVER WENDELL HOLMES Chapter Fourteen. THE CENTURY RUNS OUT Chapter Fifteen. SELECTIONS FROM MR. DOOLEY, JOHN KEN- DRIK BANGS, HASHIMURA TOGO, AND GEORGE ADE’S FABLES Chapter Sixteen . THE ENCHANTED WORLD OF O. HENRY Chapter Seventeen . SELECTIONS FROM O. HENRY Chapter Eighteen . HUMOR IN A CHANGING WORLD Chapter Nineteen . SELECTIONS FROM BENCHLEY, COBB AND LARDNER Chapter Twenty . L’ENVOI: OUR PRESENT NEED OF HUMOR - OUR BRILLIANT CONTEMPORARIES

Humor and Humanity

CONTENTS PREFACE Chapter I. ON THE NATURE OF HUMOR Chapter II. THE EXPRESSION OF HUMOR: WORDS Chapter III. THE EXPRESSION OF HUMOR: IDEAS Chapter IV. THE HUMOR OF SITUATION Chapter V. THE HUMOR OF CHARACTER Chapter VI. COMIC VERSE: THE LIGHTER NOTES Chapter VII. HUMOROUS POETRY: THE UNDERTONES Chapter VIII. HUMOR AND CRAFTSMANSHIP Chapter IX. HUMOR AND SUBLIMITY

Here Are My Lectures

CONTENTS PREFACE I. HOW SOON CAN WE START THE NEXT WAR? II. RECOVERY AFTER GRADUATION. or. LOOKING BACK ON COLLEGE III. WHAT I DON’T KNOW ABOUT THE DRAMA IV. FRENZIED FICTION. FIRST LECTURE. MURDER AT $2.50 A CRIME V. FRENZIED FICTION. (CONTINUED). SECOND LECTURE. LOVE AT $1.25 A THROB VI. FRENZIED FICTION. (CONTINUED). THIRD LECTURE. PASSION AT 25 CENTS A GASP VII. MY FISHING POND VIII. THE TWO MILORDS IX. MY NEWSPAPER AND HOW I READ IT X. WHY I AM LEAVING MY FARM. I CAN’T LIVE UP TO IT XI. WHILE YOU’RE AT IT. EXPERT ADVICE ON KNOCKING YOUR HOUSE INTO SHAPE XII. THE SIT-DOWN STRIKE IN MY PARLOUR. THEY CAME AND THEY WOULDN’T GO XIII. THE ADVANCEMENT OF LEARNING. A TALK TO GRADUATE STUDENTS XIV. LOOKING BACK FROM RETIREMENT

My Discovery of the West

CONTENTS PREFACE CHAPTER ONE CHAPTER TWO CHAPTER THREE CHAPTER FOUR CHAPTER FIVE CHAPTER SIX CHAPTER SEVEN CHAPTER EIGHT CHAPTER NINE CHAPTER TEN CHAPTER ELEVEN CHAPTER TWELVE CHAPTER THIRTEEN CHAPTER FOURTEEN CHAPTER FIFTEEN CHAPTER SIXTEEN CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

Our British Empire

CONTENTS CHAPTER I CHAPTER II CHAPTER III CHAPTER IV CHAPTER V CHAPTER VI CHAPTER VII

Canada: The Foundations of Its Future

CONTENTS Canada: The Foundations of Its Future AUTHOR’S FOREWORD CHAPTER I. THE EMPTY CONTINENT CHAPTER II. THE COLONIAL ERA. 1534-1713 CHAPTER III. BRITISH AMERICA AND FRENCH CANADA. 1713-1763 CHAPTER IV. THE FOUNDATION OF BRITISH CANADA. 1763-1815 CHAPTER V. THE MIDDLE PERIOD:. SHIPS, COLONIES, COMMERCE - 1815-1867 CHAPTER VI. THE NEW DOMINION STRUGGLING INTO LIFE. 1867-1878 CHAPTER VII. BETTER TIMES. 1879-1896 CHAPTER VIII. THE OPENING OF THE TWENTIETH CENTURY - 1896-1914 CHAPTER IX. CANADA AS A NATION CHAPTER X. CANADA AS A FUTURE WORLD POWER

Our Heritage of Liberty

CONTENTS BRITAIN AND AMERICA THE GOOD AND THE BAD OLD TIMES THE MARCH OF PROGRESS LIBERTY IN THE ANCIENT WORLD THE SHADOW OF THE DARK AND MIDDLE AGES NATIONAL STATES THE GROWTH OF POPULAR RIGHTS REACTION OF AMERICA ON EUROPE NATURAL LIBERTY AND JEAN JACQUES ROUSSEAU AGE OF ENLIGHTENMENT THE RIGHTS OF MAN AND OF THE CITIZEN THE NEW LIGHT BURNS DIM THE GREAT PEACE AND INDUSTRIAL REVOLUTION ENTER POLITICAL ECONOMY JOHN STUART MILL ANARCHISM AND WOOL-GATHERING THE VISION OF SOCIALISM NATIONAL LIBERTY AND UNITY THE UNITED STATES UNITED INDIVIDUAL LIBERTY AND MASS INDUSTRY

Montreal: Seaport and City

CONTENTS Preface CHAPTER I. Hochelaga CHAPTER II. Place Royale CHAPTER III. Ville Marie de Montreal CHAPTER IV. A Half Century of Struggle CHAPTER V. The Old French Regime in Montreal CHAPTER VI. The Capitulation of Montreal CHAPTER VII. The American Occupation of Montreal CHAPTER VIII. Lower Canada CHAPTER IX. Montreal CHAPTER X. Montreal CHAPTER XI. Montreal in the Twentieth Century CHAPTER XII. The Port of Montreal CHAPTER XIII. French and English CHAPTER XIV. McGill University CHAPTER XV. Come Up on the Mountain CHAPTER XVI. L’Envoi: The Problem of a Great City APPENDICES

Canada and the Sea

CONTENTS Author’s Foreword CHAPTER ONE THE SEA COAST OF CANADA CHAPTER TWO THE TWILIGHT OF OUR EARLY SEA HISTORY CHAPTER THREE EXPLORATION AND DISCOVERY CHAPTER FOUR IN THE DAYS OF NEW FRANCE CHAPTER FIVE PEACE AND WAR ON HUDSON BAY CHAPTER SIX BRITANNIA RULES THE LAKES CHAPTER SEVEN BY THE ST. LAWRENCE TO THE SEA CHAPTER EIGHT THE ARCTIC VOYAGES CHAPTER NINE THE CALM PACIFIC CHAPTER TEN THE GREAT SHIPPING DAYS OF QUEBEC AND THE MARITIMES CHAPTER ELEVEN THE TWENTIETH CENTURY

While There is Time

CONTENTS PREFACE CHAPTER I THE GATHERING CRISIS CHAPTER II PRIVATE ENTERPRISE CHAPTER III THE UTOPIA OF SOCIALISM CHAPTER IV SOCIALISM IN THE CONCRETE CHAPTER V ESCAPE CHAPTER VI TO DEVELOP CANADA CHAPTER VII PROVINCES AND RACES CHAPTER VIII CANADA AND THE OUTSIDE WORLD

How to Write

CONTENTS PREFACE CHAPTER ONE. THE DESIRE TO WRITE CHAPTER TWO. THE LAWS OF GRAMMAR AND FREE SPEECH CHAPTER THREE. THE MYSTERY AND MAGIC OF WORDS CHAPTER FOUR. THE COMPLETE THOUGHT CALLED A SENTENCE CHAPTER FIVE. THE ART OF NARRATION CHAPTER SIX. GOOD AND BAD LANGUAGE CHAPTER SEVEN. HOW TO WRITE HISTORY CHAPTER EIGHT. HOW TO WRITE HISTORICAL NOVELS CHAPTER NINE. HOW NOT TO WRITE POETRY CHAPTER TEN. HOW NOT TO WRITE MORE POETRY CHAPTER ELEVEN. HOW TO WRITE HUMOUR CHAPTER TWELVE. HOW TO WRITE MORE HUMOUR

The Autobiography The Boy I Left Behind Me

CONTENTS PUBLISHER’S NOTE THERE WILL ALWAYS BE AN ENGLAND LIFE ON THE OLD FARM MY EDUCATION AND WHAT I THINK OF IT NOW TEACHING SCHOOL

The Biography Stephen Leacock by Peter McArthur

CONTENTS STEPHEN LEACOCK MY FINANCIAL CAREER BOARDING-HOUSE GEOMETRY DEFINITIONS AND AXIOMS POSTULATES AND PROPOSITIONS L’ENVOI THE TRAIN TO MARIPOSA MARIPOSA! MARIPOSA! THE LITTLE GIRL IN GREEN A HERO IN HOMESPUN OR THE LIFE STRUGGLE OF HEZEKIAH HAYLOFT THE SPIRITUAL OUTLOOK OF MR. DOOMER THE SORROWS OF A SUMMER GUEST OXFORD SMOKING AN APPRECIATION

The Delphi Classics Catalogue

Series Contents Alphabetical List of Titles

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