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Questions Men Ask

Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says. Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like a man who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like. But the man who looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues to do this, not forgetting what he has heard, but doing it—he will be blessed in what he does.

James 1:22–25

I love speaking to Christians on God’s plan for sexuality. The topic never fails to draw a crowd and the energy in the room is palpable; people are so hungry for answers. But when I ask if there are any questions, most audiences fall dead silent. Understandably, very few people are bold enough to ask questions about sex in a room full of people, especially in church! So several years ago I began handing out 3 × 5 index cards and asking people to write down any questions they have. The cards are collected and I read them aloud and respond. It proves to be a very effective way to expand on the material and help couples apply it directly to their unique struggles. Otherwise, we run the risk of gaining insights but not changing behaviors.

It would be impossible to list all of the questions I’ve received through the years, but there are several that, in one form or another, seem to come up frequently. We have chosen twelve of these that men ask, and an equal number that women ask, which we will address in the next chapter. This is to assist in integrating the theological concepts of the first section of this book with the schematic model of the second. Hopefully you’ll see pieces of your marriage in several of these questions. We encourage you to read all of them in sequence, even if they do not at first appear to apply to you—each may help establish a clearer picture of the spirit of making love.

My wife and I have been married nine years and our sex life has become extremely predictable and almost boring. It’s like we’re following a script we memorized years ago. I know I shouldn’t introduce pornography, but how else can I liven things up?

You are certainly correct about not introducing pornography—few things are more damaging than that, in spite of what the “sexperts” may say. Introducing porn is a literal invitation for Satan to join you in bed. Unfortunately, many Christians do exactly that, if not through pornography then by watching steamy R-rated movies together, reading graphic sex scenes from popular best-sellers, or fantasizing about their favorite movie stars. To be sure, these activities will bring a new rush to sexual arousal, but they are absolute poison to the intimate connecting of true lovemaking.

Preventing predictability and boredom requires attention, forethought, and creativity. Recall the analogy of Thanksgiving dinner. A memorable Thanksgiving dinner is so much more than a prebaked turkey from Wal-Mart, Stove-Top stuffing, and a Sara Lee pie. Those may be the right foods, but they speak of little to no planning, preparation, or effort. They don’t create a magical, connecting, celebratory atmosphere. They simply get the job done. It’s easy to let our sex lives become something we treat like a microwave meal, but, when we do, we don’t realize what we are forfeiting.

The art of creating a true Thanksgiving Day feast requires planning; coordination; investment of time and money; attention to decorating and mood setting; stimulation of the senses through candlelight, rich aromas, music, and the like; creativity in food preparation and presentation; rituals to facilitate conversation and laughter; and allowance of ample time for guests to relax and enjoy each other without feeling rushed. Many people have never experienced a holiday meal like that. The Bible gives numerous accounts of Jewish feasts that routinely lasted several days to a week. That requires serious planning and effort! If Jewish lovemaking was anything like their feasting, they were enjoying each other much more like the lovers in the Song of Songs than like many modern-day Christians.

When lovemaking lacks anticipation, preparation, and creative initiation, it becomes boring. Don’t settle for sexual fast food. It’s better to decrease the frequency of sexual relations and increase the investment in feasting when you do come together. Commit to luxuriating together. Do the five-senses exercise described in chapter 7 and commit to enhancing your sensuality. Introduce new things to increase your vulnerability while also pleasuring each other with the things you’ve enjoyed for years. “The mandrakes send out their fragrance, and at our door is every delicacy, both new and old, that I have stored up for you, my lover” (Song 7:13, emphasis added). Plan sensual feasts.

I like to be spontaneous, but my wife keeps insisting that she needs time to prepare for sex. Planning everything out ahead of time takes a lot of the fun out of it for me. Shouldn’t lovemaking be about letting ourselves get caught up in the heat of the moment and just going with it?

Certainly there are times when it’s important to seize the moment and let your passions run wild. Sex should never become so planned and scheduled that there’s no room for spontaneity, but, as we discussed in chapter 7, men are generally much more responsive to a few subtle cues and a little friction than are women. If you want your wife to give herself to you passionately, align yourself with the way her sexuality works and give her more time and reason to anticipate and prepare herself. Romance her and increase her desire—don’t just try to get her turned on. The more aware she is of your love, your sensitivity to her needs and desires, and that you want more than just a fix, the more she will want to give herself to you. This greater interest in giving herself to you will probably result in a little more spontaneity in her as well.

Sometimes the main reason I want to be sexual is simply for release from sexual tension. Like Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:9, “It is better to marry than to burn with passion.” My wife complains of feeling used when I feel like that, but isn’t this a biblical principle for marriage?

There is no question that one of the blessings of marriage is having a God-honoring outlet for sexual tension. But this is a very delicate issue and one that cuts right to the heart of Jesus’ insistence on discerning the spirit of the law and not looking only at the letter of the law. If the primary spirit behind a sexual encounter is the release of the man’s sexual tension and if the wife feels used, then the act is neither God-honoring nor good for the marriage. “‘Everything is permissible for me’—but not everything is beneficial. ‘Everything is permissible for me’—but I will not be mastered by anything” (1 Cor. 6:12). Don’t exercise your “rights within the law” at the cost of your wife feeling used. You can easily become mastered by your sexual desires, even within marriage. Freedom must always be balanced with self-control. It’s hard to imagine God being pleased and honored by an act that leaves your wife feeling used, however lawful the act may be. Turn your desire for sex into a greater ability to make love to your wife in nonsexual ways by spending time together, talking, doing shared activities, and serving her. You’ll have a stronger marriage, and she’ll be more likely to want to be sexual with you.

My wife seems hypersensitive to touch. She always complains that my touch tickles, irritates, or hurts her. How can we make love when I can’t even touch her?

This is actually a fairly common complaint, and it is usually indicative of the body not having been adequately aroused prior to being touched in very sensitive regions. Recall that in chapter 4 we detailed the body’s erogenous zones and emphasized focusing first on level three zones with handholding, hugs, gentle back rubs, and stroking arms and shoulders, gradually progressing to the level two zones of neck, face, temples, head, small of the back, abdomen, backs of the legs, and inner thighs. Intersperse your touch with tender kisses, waiting for her response before becoming more passionate, eventually exploring her neck, ear lobes, shoulders, and beyond with your lips and tongue. Taking this more gradual approach creates a buildup of sexual tension that makes her body crave the more erotic touch of level one zones, which, when touched only moments before, would have felt tickled or irritated.

The key is to start broadly, gradually becoming more specific and focused. Take your cues from her as to where she wants to be touched and when she wants more. Remember to talk and ask playful questions. Don’t just guess and fumble along in frustrated silence. Allow her to begin rhythmically pressing in to your touch rather than creating all the pressure and friction yourself. Give her greater control over when, where, and how she wants to be touched and neither of you will likely continue to be frustrated by hypersensitivity.

My wife’s sex drive is definitely less than mine, and one of the ways I deal with that is through masturbation. I won’t say I feel good about it, but it seems more loving than pressuring her all the time, and the Bible doesn’t specifically forbid it. What do you say about this?

Masturbation is one of the most volatile subjects that can be brought up in a talk on sex, and I am asked about it every time I speak. Christian opinion seems to run the gamut, from it never being acceptable for any reason to allowance for it under certain circumstances to great freedom with it as long as it is not coupled with fantasy about someone other than one’s spouse. (Obviously if masturbation is coupled with fantasy about others, it is lust, which is specifically forbidden.[1])

We can all at least agree that masturbation is considerably less than God’s full intention for sexuality and that, if we give in too easily to our sexual appetite, we can quickly become mastered by it. To those who feel masturbation is a lawful practice, I urge you to exercise vigilance in ensuring that it does not master you or foster laziness, robbing your marriage and spiritual life of the intimacy that is often found only in wrestling through temptations. To those couples who disagree on it, I urge you to press in for answers and keep a periodic dialogue going until you arrive at a position about which you both can feel peaceful. To those who feel it is never right under any circumstances, I urge you to ensure that you are operating on conviction—that you know why you believe as you do—and are not simply reacting out of your emotions.

As we discussed in the first several chapters, sexuality is principally about relationship and love—a means by which we can give ourselves completely and only to another and can receive a complete self-donation in return, confirming our oneness in spirit. C. S. Lewis captured this well in his response to a young man about masturbation:

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This threat to intimacy is present even for the man who fantasizes about his wife, since he is in complete control of how she responds in his mind. Again, I urge great caution if you and your spouse choose to allow for periodic masturbation.

I feel bombarded daily with sexual images through the media and our culture, let alone the stuff on the Internet. I know we are supposed to be “in the world but not of the world,” but how is a man with a healthy libido supposed to deal with these constant temptations?

If you are feeling bombarded by sexual images in the media and the culture, it’s because you are being bombarded! The sexual revolution has had sweeping victories and the counterculture of the ’60s has become today’s culture. Our once fairly conservative, quasi-Christian American culture has become the subculture. We have become like Lot, living in a modern-day Sodom. As we said in chapter 1, we face daily temptations through the media that no previous culture has ever faced. One of the many reasons Rachel and I moved from Tampa Bay to our family’s ranch in rural Missouri was to get away from the constantly increasing number of adult video stores and bookstores, peep shows, strip joints, lingerie “modeling” parlors, and the like. However, in the five years we’ve lived here, we have seen an adult video store come to the town immediately to our north and there are strip joints within a half-hour’s drive.

We can’t live in a box and, even if we were to move far away to some other country in an effort to protect ourselves and our families, we would be unable to escape the presence and influence of graphic sexual temptations. Through the media and the Internet, the world has become a very small place, and we have thoroughly polluted it with our distortions of God’s beautiful gift. We have become like the great prostitute in Revelation, pumping our pornography and notions of free love and sex without consequences into every corner of the globe. The best we can do now is to be acutely aware of the danger and take appropriate measures to avoid it wherever possible. We cannot handle sexual temptations by trying to pretend they’re not there or by thinking we are somehow above them. As Jesus instructed, we must be as shrewd as serpents and yet remain as innocent as doves (Matt. 10:16).

Be aware of when and where you are most vulnerable and then establish hedges and accountability wherever necessary. Consider changing the route you drive to work if it takes you past a place of constant temptation. Program your cable TV service to block stations that are problematic, and don’t watch TV late at night or in rooms where you have absolute privacy. Install filtering software on your computer or contract with a porn-filtering Internet service.

Avoid men’s magazines such as GQ, Men’s Health, and others that promote the “Playboy ethic,” even though they’re not pornography per se. Be careful with the sports section of the newspaper where most providers of sex-oriented services advertise. Be diligent in monitoring what comes into your home, including catalogs such as Victoria’s Secret and the magazines your children read.

Be honest with your wife and closest friends about areas in which you face particular temptation and ask them to be praying for you as well as asking you the hard questions for accountability. Stay connected to God. Remember, no matter what temptations you face, you are more than a conqueror in Christ (see Rom. 8:37).

A lot of things I do to get my wife aroused end up backfiring on me. I try letting her know I’m in the mood ahead of time with some sexy talk or taking my shirt off or wearing sexy underwear, but she usually turns off instead of getting turned on. I’m no Adonis, but I’m not unattractive and I know she loves me, so what am I missing?

This is a more complex question than it may seem at first because of the huge number of things that can affect sexual desire. However, barring relational problems, medical or hormonal concerns, medication reactions, pain disorders, past trauma, stress and fatigue, and other factors (whew!), it may simply be that you are trying to entice her too much through overtly sexual cues, which a man desires, rather than through more relational, playful, romantic cues that invite her to slowly warm up to the idea of making love.

Rather than trying to guess what will turn your wife on, ask her—and then listen very closely! She may not be especially aware at first, but have the conversation often, inside and outside of the bedroom, and expand your repertoire over time. Some of your cues may actually be scaring her a bit; they may feel too racy or aggressive, and she may not feel she’ll have as much control as she wants. Many wives complain that their husbands become like animals when they’re revved up. Make a lifelong study of your wife—become an expert on her feminine spirit and her sexual triggers and learn to romance and pleasure her as no other man could.

I’ve never been a very macho guy and I understand what you’re saying about the importance of embracing our masculinity, but I am never going to be the Marlboro man. I would love to image God more through my masculinity, but frankly I don’t know how I can do that.

Remember that masculinity has more to do with inner character than outer physique. Some of the most shallow, immature, ungodly men I know have the outward physique of a Marlboro man. The Bible indicates that Jesus was not a particularly striking man; there was nothing about his natural appearance that would have drawn people to him. What drew people was his love and gentleness coupled with his strength of character. We are to reflect the same character. We are to become more and more like Jesus, developing the mind of Christ, growing in his likeness, disciplining our flesh, and surrendering our lives daily so that he becomes everything and we nothing.

The inner strength of a Christian man, made in the image of God, is godly character wrought in the furnace of a surrendered, disciplined life. Read some of the many excellent Christian books on authentic manhood, such as Tender Warrior by Stu Weber or Wild at Heart by John Eldredge. Read books on developing godly character, such as Like a Rock by Andy Stanley or The Quest for Character by Chuck Swindoll. Go to some Christian conferences or retreats on authentic manhood.

It’s important to attend to the outer man as well, as we emphasized in chapter 4. Remember that our bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit and we are responsible for maintaining that temple. Pay attention to your grooming habits, hygiene, posture, and social skills. Develop good health practices—proper diet, good exercise, adequate sleep, and good stress management. Attend to your wardrobe and be conscious of how you are dressing. Very few of us will have a model’s body and all of us will grow old, but we are responsible for investing what God has entrusted to us and bringing him a return on it, just as in the parable of the talents. Even if you feel like the man with one talent when it comes to your outer physique, be sure you don’t neglect what God has given you. “Offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship” (Rom. 12:1).

I was present at the delivery of our baby, and I wouldn’t trade that experience for anything, but seeing the baby born and especially watching the doctor perform an unexpected episiotomy have really messed up the way I feel about my wife’s vagina. Any suggestions?

Join the crowd! Many men complain that, once their wives become pregnant, they have a difficult time maintaining sexual arousal in the face of all the changes in her body. Seeing our child pass through the birth canal and enter the world is the most amazing miracle any of us will ever witness, yet it’s a difficult image to get out of our mind when trying to resume sexual relations.

Watching your wife’s beautiful breasts become two large milk jugs can make it hard to keep them paired with arousal, especially when she has a letdown as you touch them. Her graceful legs can become riddled with varicose veins and her shapely hips covered with stretch marks. Her tummy will likely never be as firm as it was before pregnancy and may be scarred from a cesarean delivery. Many women develop trouble with urinary continence and sphincter control, and even when aggressive efforts are made to lose the weight and get the body back in shape, there will never again be the firmness of her virgin breasts and the tautness of her youthful skin. Even the man who lovingly praises his wife for sacrificing her body and who affirms the beauty of motherhood still experiences some degree of grief over the changes in her body (as does the woman).

Recall our discussion of sexual pairing (see chapter 7)—how various sensate stimuli can become paired with either arousal or aversion, and how people can often repair things that used to be turnoffs and make them turn-ons. I will not suggest that any of the things just mentioned can somehow be repaired and become an erotic turn-on for you. (If we succeeded in that, we would probably have created some weird new fetish or something.) But though they may not get your sexual motor going, they can certainly draw you more to your wife in genuine love, respect, and admiration for the sacrifices she made to birth God’s children. As you hold her body and caress her skin, be mindful of how fragile life is, how easily you could have lost her in childbirth, and how blessed you are to have her. Rehearse these awarenesses out loud, telling her how you feel. Use this as an opportunity to move beyond a primary focus on her physical body to learning instead to view her more fully as body, soul, and spirit. Tell her frequently how proud you are of her and let her “battle scars” draw your admiration as for a war hero. Though her bodily changes will not turn you on directly, they can deepen your relational love, which is far more arousing than any body could ever be.

You can also minimize or extinguish some of the powerful negative pairing that occurs, as in the episiotomy mentioned here. To a large degree, we can choose what we will focus on and what we’ll ignore. As we accept what is or what has happened and actively grieve it—praying about it, journaling, and talking with appropriate people—we can move past negative occurrences and become more mature in the process. When, instead, we try to fight it, ignore it, or pretend it didn’t happen or doesn’t bother us, we can become stuck psychologically and develop an obsession with something that was disturbing. Accept what happened, pray about it, feel your feelings, grieve it, and move on. If it is helpful, try turning the image in your mind from full color to black and white, and try shrinking the image down to a tiny speck very far off in the distance. It then remains a part of your reality but has been consciously reduced to a tiny piece rather than an overwhelming obstacle.

My wife was sexually abused as a girl. We talked about it before getting married and we agreed to take things slowly, knowing sex might be difficult for us. However, it’s been three years now and she still has an extremely hard time even disrobing in front of me, let alone having intercourse. I am not upset with her and I try to be very understanding, but I want to help and nothing is working. What should we do?

Time to get some help. Quite simply, when things have not improved over this amount of time, not only are you dealing with something that is fairly entrenched, but you may both be unwittingly reinforcing some of her fear-based reactions by trying to press on. Just as you don’t “play through the pain” when there is physical pain during intercourse, you mustn’t “just do it” when there are strong indications of emotional pain from sexual abuse. Not only can it create significant frustration and tension for both partners, but it can cause major marital rifts if the husband begins to become associated in the wife’s mind with her abuser, or if the wife becomes increasingly angry with herself.

Seek out a skilled, licensed Christian therapist who specializes in work with sexual abuse and commit to the process until real healing is experienced. You may be able to locate one in your area through your pastor or through the American Board of Christian Sex Therapists (www.sexualwholeness.com). This may take a few years and may involve work with a therapy group in addition to one-on-one and couples counseling, but the time, energy, money, and pain invested bring indescribable rewards. Real, godly healing from sexual abuse produces profound changes in the person and in his or her marriage, family, and spiritual life.

I am forty-nine years old and my body is beginning to show some signs of the years—less muscle tone, more sags, some wrinkles, and a few extra pounds—but I can live with these. What has me concerned is occasional difficulty with erections and sometimes with ejaculation. Should I try medications?

Definitely not—at least not until you’ve ruled out some things. As men age, their ability to get and maintain an erection begins to decline; it’s a natural part of the aging process. Additionally, the firmness of erections decreases as does the strength of ejaculations, and there is an increase in the amount of time needed after ejaculation before the body can produce another (called the refractory time). The felt need for ejaculation generally becomes less strong and the libido or overall sex drive may decline. These are normal results of the aging process, and, although not something we’re thrilled about, they are nothing to become particularly concerned about. Each becomes more problematic, however, as a man begins to worry about and obsess over it, increasing his anxiety with each encounter in which things don’t go as they used to.

Many things can worsen these natural changes, and you should address as many of them as possible. These include emotional stress, smoking, excessive consumption of alcohol, drug usage (prescription and nonprescription as well as street drugs), prostate problems, diabetes, high or low blood pressure, nerve damage, decreased testosterone levels, and other medical problems.

Discuss significant changes in sexual functioning with your doctor, as there are many options for addressing problems. I am thankful that we have Viagra and other medications, but don’t jump too quickly to them. A gradual decline in the overall intensity of your functioning can become an invitation to expand your definition of lovemaking beyond simply having intercourse and may enable you to slow down and connect more as a couple during prolonged times of foreplay. If you don’t become overly focused on performance and instead enjoy a greater awareness of your love for your wife, lovemaking can take on a new depth of experience, even when things don’t work quite right or when it requires more focus on sensuality and quality.

I struggle with pornography, fantasy, and masturbation. I’ve tried everything to control myself—rededicating my life, accountability partners, Scripture memorization, pouring my energy into working out, even taking cold showers! I still keep falling time after time and I’m losing hope. What more can I do?

What you are describing is sexual addiction, and hope and help are definitely available. Some people scoff at the idea of sex as an addiction, but we know that anything that is mood altering (and sex certainly qualifies!) can become an addiction. The natural high of sexual arousal and orgasm produces an incredible amount of mood-altering neurochemistry that is extremely reinforcing and can create an addiction as powerful as any street drug. Combine that with the fact that it’s free, it’s legal, it won’t show up on drug tests, society encourages it, and “usage” often begins in childhood or early adolescence, and you begin to understand why people can become so hooked.

This is not to suggest that sexual addiction is not still a sin. It absolutely is, and, as we emphasized in chapter 1, Scripture says it can keep us from inheriting the kingdom (see 1 Cor. 6:9–10). But it is not a sin that most people find themselves able to break free from without help. An addiction of any type can be thought of as a besetting sin—one that seems to control us. Paul addresses this in Galatians 6:1 when he says, “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.” That word caught means “wrapped up and ensnared in.” When a Christian is wrapped up and ensnared in sexual sin, the church is instructed to minister to him or her through gentle restoration. This is restoration of their whole personhood, not simply eradication of their behavior. It takes time and there are no quick fixes, but there can be real and lasting healing.

Note that Paul also emphasized being careful in working with such sins because we can find ourselves pulled into the same sin. It is my opinion that recovery from sexual addiction, like recovery from sexual abuse, is best facilitated by trained, licensed Christian therapists. This does not preclude the use of lay counseling and support groups, but these should be used in conjunction with a skilled professional who coordinates and oversees the recovery process.

Several excellent books have come out in the last ten years or so detailing a Christian approach to sexual addiction. I would particularly recommend Faithful and True by Dr. Mark Laaser, Breaking Free by Russell Willingham, False Intimacy by Dr. Harry Schaumburg, and The Bondage Breaker by Neal Anderson. Dr. Laaser and others also facilitate intensive retreats for men with sexual addictions. These resources are not a substitute for therapy, however, and should be used only in conjunction with a skilled Christian clinician. Be encouraged—those who wrestle through recovery from sexual addiction emerge at the other end as radically transformed men, husbands, fathers, and warriors in the King’s army.

Questions for Couples

What additional questions would you ask if given the opportunity right now?

Are there any questions answered here that you need to discuss further as a couple?

What actions do you need to take to address any of these issues?

What do you feel is the number one male issue with sex in your marriage right now? What are you committed to doing about it?