CHAPTER FIFTEEN

BEGINNING MEDITATION WITH THIRTEEN- TO EIGHTEEN-YEAR-OLDS

Meditation in School

Children of this age find themselves in a very different school environment from that of their earlier school experiences. The focus is now often even less on the development of the whole child. Important examinations which can determine the child’s future career dominate the ethos of the school. Work is subject- and task-orientated. And yet, these children are going through one of the most difficult periods of their lives – adolescence, that often painful and confusing period between childhood and adulthood. Hormones are unbalanced, issues of identity and belonging become of great significance, and as if that were not enough, they have to prepare themselves for those crucially important exams. It is at this age that expectations of parents and teachers become greater, and the pressure to do well increases as the anxieties of parents and teachers also increase for their own reasons.

This is often a time when children feel that they have no one to talk to about the problems which are constantly arising. Often they feel alienated from their parents since they are now more consciously aware of the generation gap, and even of their different cultures, reflected in their different appreciation of music, clothes and ways of enjoying themselves. Parents often become obstructive authority figures to the adolescent and the last people they feel they can turn to in times of need. Talking to their peers is not always possible (although this seems to be generally less of a problem for girls) because so much effort is expended in trying to ‘fit in’ and be respected. Self-disclosure might ‘blow their cover’, and they might be seen as weak and not worthy of gang membership.

With so many pressures from all directions, it is not surprising that children find it hard to relax, work and feel comfortable in themselves. They are on a rollercoaster of emotions, fears and hopes and they are expected to perform well in all they do. Meditation can help these children enormously, and at this age they will be able to make very good use of it. It can help them with all aspects of life, encouraging relaxation, focus, emotional and physical balance and self confidence.

This chapter is shorter than the previous two which deal with the younger age groups. Working with this age group is closer in form to working with adults, particularly as the children at the upper end of this range are approaching adulthood. The earlier chapters in the book describe a wide range of meditation exercises which a teacher can use with these young people. Chapters 13 and 14, although written for the younger age groups, describe in detail several exercises which could also work very well with this age group. The children will simply do the same exercises, but at their own level.

This chapter will therefore deal mainly with the practicalities of the timetable which is less flexible than for the previous age groups. It will examine the various ways in which the subject of meditation might be introduced, both at school and at home. It will include one or two new exercises which are suitable only for this age group and case studies including one on how meditation can help sleeplessness.

Introducing the Topic

As with younger children, care needs to be taken with how meditation is introduced. At adolescence, many children are very influenced by what their peers think, and may reject something to which they are secretly attracted for fear their friends might think them weird. They are often both self-conscious and image-conscious and need to be convinced that what they are doing is acceptable and that it can offer them considerable benefits. Initially, convincing them of the benefits of meditation may not be easy since there is no immediate tangible evidence, and our culture is very product-orientated. However, topic titles such as ‘The Development of Human Potential’ or, more directly, ‘Develop your Potential’, with sub-headings such as ‘improve your memory’, ‘do better in your exams’, ‘increase your concentration’, ‘creativity and confidence’ and so on, might be more acceptable than ‘meditation’. You might also include a few other potential benefits, such as ‘These activities can help you to be better at sport and to improve your relationships’. One idea for increasing the acceptability of meditation might be to display pictures of people that the children admire – perhaps famous sportsmen, particularly in the martial arts such as kung fu, in which the mind and body work together in perfect harmony and in conjunction with all the senses. (Chapter 4 discusses these kinds of issues in more detail.) Of course, you will have to emphasize the idea of non-aggressive use of martial arts. You may also include pictures of actors and other famous and successful people who are known to meditate and who might be role models for the children. To arouse interest, you could perhaps include a caption such as ‘What do these people share in common? Come along and see.’

Examples of cases where meditation exercises have helped children can be encouraging and you may even feel it appropriate to describe how some of the meditation practices you have done have helped you personally. Below are some accounts from young people who are currently involved in meditation activities.

Peter

Peter is eighteen years old and has sought out his own meditation class. He had heard of meditation from a martial arts teacher and since his school did not offer meditation he decided to find a class for himself. When we asked him what he thought meditation gave to him he replied, ‘Oh, a lot, greater clarity of thought definitely. Your mind is totally calmed down and all your stresses and strains go away during those moments of meditation. Also I find that if your body is more relaxed, your mind isn’t on the pain you might have in your leg, say, from a sports injury; you can be more in your head. You can concentrate on your work and not on your leg. In the long run, it helps with everything.

‘The relaxation you get from meditation releases the stress from the muscles and the stress from emotions which have been blocked for years. You have fewer unharmonious thoughts. It’s like clearing a room, sweeping away the dust. You feel happy and have a sense of well-being. You’re less likely to fidget and find alternative things to do. If the whole class meditated, they would all be less likely to fidget. They’d have common goals.

‘If an athlete is trying to run when he’s all tensed up, it’s difficult and he doesn’t run very well, but if his body is relaxed, it flows and is easy. He runs faster. It’s the same as the mind. If it’s full of hundreds of different thoughts it can’t think clearly to concentrate, but if it’s clear then you can do everything better.’

Peter introduced his father to the idea of meditation and now they go to the classes together and continue the practice at home, sometimes separately and sometimes together.

Mark

At the time of writing Mark is fifteen years old and is in his first year of GCSE studies. Like Peter, he looked around for an evening meditation class since his school didn’t offer one. He has been meditating regularly for just over one month. He believes that the practice of meditation has made him more focused. Before he began the classes his mind would drift off into all kinds of other places but now he experiences himself as more attentive, relaxed and confident. Describing himself before beginning meditation, he said, ‘Usually little things would stress me out; now I’m not bothered by them.’ He also said that his memory had improved and that his sense of well-being had considerably improved: ‘I can remember lots of stuff from my childhood. I’m more cheerful. I feel fully awake in the morning, ready to face the day, and my homework is actually getting done.’ He volunteered his theory of how it works for him: ‘It calms the body, releases tension and discards worries, it’s a way to recharge your batteries.’ He concluded, ‘I’m very pleased with the way meditation has improved my quality of life.’

The following case study illustrates how the relaxation and breathing exercises in particular have helped a young insomniac:

Kelly

Kelly was eighteen years old. She came to see me [Ingrid] because she was not sleeping well. She was afraid to go to sleep because she would have nightmares. This had been going on for over a year. We talked about the kinds of things which she felt were keeping her awake, and as part of dealing with her problems I introduced her to the idea of relaxation and meditation exercises. Kelly liked the idea of them from the start. Now, when she was in bed feeling anxious she would try to relax her body. Beginning with her feet, first her toes, concentrating on them one at a time, then her whole feet, ankles, lower legs, knees, upper legs, thighs, back, chest, arms, hands, fingers, shoulders, neck, face, head and so on, transferring her consciousness to each part of her body until she was aware of its place on the bed, feeling the bed beneath her and the covers over her. Still physically relaxed, she would ‘watch her breath’, followed by ‘counting her breath’ (see pages 143–5). Thoughts which entered her head were released and allowed to float away. Kelly liked the idea of her thoughts floating away on a cloud. If she had not fallen asleep by the end of this exercise, she would engage in a visualization exercise. The one she liked best was walking through a door into a tunnel at the end of which was a bright light (see pages 174–5). There she was greeted by a loving and kind person. She felt the love and peace which came from this encounter and returned slowly to the door and to her place in her bed. Soon she would fall asleep and the nightmares eventually disappeared.

You might also tell the children about the case study of Paul in Chapter 14 (see page 165), who found that meditation exercises helped him with his asthma, and who at seventeen years of age still finds that a short meditation (though he does not term it that), which includes the relaxation and the breathing exercises, before an examination or any disquieting situation, helps considerably.

Once you have the children’s interest, it becomes a question of when and where to meditate. Ideally meditation should be part of the school ethos. Beginning and ending sessions with a minute of relaxation and meditation would have far-reaching effects on the children’s work. In addition to this, different kinds of meditation sessions could be arranged, depending on the availability of teachers who had practised meditation themselves. For meditation to work, there must be a mutual respect between the children and their teacher.

Early Morning Sitting

This is a very brief sitting period which may simply take the form of sitting quietly together in a relaxing environment.

You will need to make available for at least fifteen minutes before the start of the school day a room where students can walk in quietly as they arrive, and sit with you in a circle. Soft music playing as they arrive, a lighted candle and an incense stick can create a very relaxing and pleasant atmosphere. For these sessions it is important that you are present, calm and relaxed, before the children arrive, while they are there and when they leave. Chapter 12 contains advice on preparing yourself quickly and simply for a meditation session. Remember that meditation and the related exercises should always be associated with calm and gentleness.

There is no need to talk to the children when they come into the meditation room, as they will quickly understand that this is a quiet time, that attendance is voluntary and that no disruptive behaviour will be tolerated. Uncooperative children will be asked to leave immediately. Remember that it is vital that the necessary permission and co-operation of school and, where appropriate, parents is obtained for work of this kind.

One way of introducing the early morning session to the children is to introduce the idea at an assembly when all are present. Make the format of the activity clear, emphasize that the sessions are optional, and that the children may walk in at any time, provided they do so quietly and without disturbing anyone, as it is a time for peace and harmony. These sessions may well be the only time that many of the children experience a relaxed and quiet environment. The sessions are an extra-curricular activity which all can attend and feel comfortable in without possessing any special skills.

If only half a dozen children choose to attend the sessions, they are still eminently worthwhile for all concerned, you included, as they allow a few moments respite from what is usually a hectic and stressful schedule.

If you have a regular group in the mornings, teach them the relaxation and breathing techniques of ‘watching the breath’ and ‘counting the breath’.

The Room

Ideally meditation sessions should be held in a comfortable, fairly spacious room, away from a lot of noise. If students are to sit on chairs, then the chairs should be set out in a circle ready for their arrival. The students may even like the idea of bringing their own cushions to sit upon and their own special accessories, such as meditation shawls to drape around themselves while they meditate. Accessories of this kind serve to keep the body comfortable and warm while sitting, and help induce the right state of mind. Rituals such as taking off shoes on entry into the ‘meditation room’ are also a signal that the hurly burly of the outside world has been left behind for the time being. As suggested above, soft music, incense and a candle can transform the room you use sufficiently for its everyday associations to be lost.

When meditation sessions were held in one school early in the morning, the class using the room for their first lesson reported that the room always felt calm and peaceful on entry.

When to Meditate

Besides creating a space at the beginning and end of every period, and the fifteen-minute session before school, there is little room in the fixed timetable and specialist syllabus of these older children for meditation. But Chapter 14 shows how meditation may be incorporated into many subjects in the school curriculum. Subjects such as art, English, music and drama are particularly compatible with meditation-related exercises.

Where meditation is not part of the school ethos and you are the only teacher interested in teaching it in a system where children move from room to room with different teachers for each subject, it may initially be difficult for you to reach many children. But you can still introduce your own class to the breathing exercises, and start each day with a few minutes relaxation after taking the register. Longer extra sessions can also be offered after school or at lunch time, allowing you to introduce some of the various meditation-related activities. Explain to the children that the activity of meditation is not limited to special places and times. They can meditate anywhere, any time they feel the need, for example, when they are afraid, upset or worried. People meditate in trains, in stations, in cafés . . . almost anywhere. It helps people to reduce stress and to centre themselves.

The Exercises

These can include visualizations as described in the previous chapters, particularly Chapter 13, followed by discussion and/or drawing or writing. Children of this age can derive a great deal from visualization exercises: benefits include increased calm, spirituality, creativity and insight. The following example shows how Claire, at seventeen years of age, received an unprompted insight about herself through a visualization exercise.

Claire

When Claire experienced the ‘tunnel and light’ meditation (see pages 174–5) she found herself reluctant to move along the tunnel, saying, ‘I wasn’t frightened or anything and I didn’t mind going through the door. I just would have preferred to stay where I was. I had to make an effort to go forward.’ We asked her if she had gone to the end and had entered the light, to which she replied, ‘Yes, I did and it was lovely in the light.’ She asked why the person she met there had to go back. We explained that it was because she had entered another world of her own creation and that she could go back to it at any time but it wasn’t usual to take it with her into everyday life. We asked whether either of them had said anything during the encounter. Claire replied, ‘Well, she spoke to me but I didn’t hear anything. I didn’t need to. I knew she was telling me something but I’m not sure what it was, I just know it was good.’ Claire said that she felt more comfortable back in the tunnel, and that ‘it was easier’.

Later that day, while engaged in quite a different activity unrelated to meditation, Claire suddenly said, ‘I know why I wanted to stay in the tunnel now. When something new turns up I’m often reluctant to go for it. I’m like that all the time. I’m comfortable where I am. When I want something or sort of aim for something – aiming a move from A to B – instead of going for it and putting myself through the stress of getting there I look around myself where I am and make myself comfortable instead of pushing myself forward. I appreciate where I am and no longer want the thing I wanted.’ During the visualization she had pushed herself into the light because we had asked her to. She admitted, ‘When you asked me to be in the light I could still feel myself partly in the tunnel.’ Relating back to the experience of the figure moving away from her she added, ‘When I’m with friends I hate it when they walk away from me.’

You can also include mindful movement, for example the walking meditation (Chapter 7) and other concentration exercises such as ‘the orange’ in Chapter 13. Whatever form you decide the sessions should take, always begin with the relaxation and breathing exercises. Children in this older age range will obviously have much longer concentration spans than the younger children, so you will be able to spend longer on each of the exercises.

Relaxation exercises are described in Chapter 6. Every meditation should begin with relaxation – a focus on the body from head to foot, checking that every part is relaxed. This can be guided by talking the children through or by letting them check for themselves.

The breathing exercises of ‘watching the breath’ and ‘counting the breath’ can follow the relaxation exercise. By the end of these exercises the children will be ready to continue, either by extending the time spent on the breathing activities so that they become a complete meditation in themselves, or by sitting quietly and ‘watching their thoughts’, a technique briefly outlined below (page 192). However, the breathing exercises do not come naturally to everyone and the following account illustrates some of the difficulties which may arise:

Claire (continued)

Seventeen-year-old Claire’s first experiences of the breathing exercises were not without problems. She initially found these exercises both difficult and unpleasant, and had difficulties concentrating on the breath. Claire has asthma so breathing is already an issue for her. We realized that it was important for her to do the relaxation exercise first as this would induce a feeling of peace and calm, thereby reducing anxiety. We also realized that she was focusing too much on the actual process of breathing instead of simply continuing to breathe normally whilst concentrating on the awareness of the cool and warm air on the ‘in’ and ‘out’ breath respectively. This realization allowed her to improve her technique and soon she began to find it much easier, she actually enjoyed both the experience and the feeling of calm that resulted. She still did not, however, take to the ‘counting the breath’ exercise as she found the degree of concentration required too constraining and therefore uncomfortable. One might deduce from this that these kinds of exercise require more perseverance from asthma sufferers than people who do not normally experience breathing difficulties, but a sample of one is hardly conclusive. We decided she should focus her attention on ‘watching the breath’ until she felt ready to try the ‘counting the breath’ technique again. Besides highlighting differences between meditators this example serves to illustrate how we need to change our approach to suit the individual and not proceed relentlessly with our plan, come what may.

Watching Thoughts

After the relaxation and the breathing exercises, some of the children will be able to sit quietly for quite long periods of time, remaining conscious of their breathing and watching and letting their thoughts go. Often it can be very difficult to still the mind since it seems to latch on to any external piece of information and continues to think about it. Talk to the children about the problems of stilling the mind, perhaps using the following example:

• If we hear an external sound, such as a dog barking, instead of just being aware of the sound and letting it go, we can see how the mind catches the thought and begins to play with it (you can refer to the analogy of the ‘chattering monkey’ in Chapter 1). ‘Whose dog is that? Why is he barking? I wonder if he’s locked up . . . People who leave their pets alone all the time shouldn’t be allowed to have any . . . If I had a pet . . .’ and so on. The ‘chattering monkey’ grabs on to thoughts and worries away at them.

Explain to the children how this happens in our lives all the time. The mind turns the distracting thoughts this way and that, often allowing them to provoke strong emotions. In this way peace of mind is destroyed, and the mind runs along in an uncontrolled fashion.

Helping the children to appreciate awareness of this process is an important step towards greater mind control. Emphasize, and this is particularly important with children of this age who have for years been taught that success only comes with effort, that they should not push unwanted thoughts away, as this only leads to internal conflict.

Instead, they should let them go gently and allow the next thought to come in their place, letting that go just as easily. Sometimes the image referred to earlier of thoughts floating away on a cloud or in a balloon is helpful with this. Later, when the children are much more practised, they will be able to ‘watch their thoughts’ without involvement.

After the breathing, the children will probably be able to meditate quietly for several minutes, allowing thoughts to enter and leave their minds gently, without becoming bound up in them. Eventually some of the older children will be able to sit in this way for up to twenty minutes or even more, thus practising meditation in its most obviously recognizable form.

Mantra Meditation

This form of meditation is described it in some detail in Chapter 4. A mantra is the repetition of a single word or phrase which can serve a number of functions, depending on the choice of mantra. It can help to keep an otherwise too active mind focused; its content can serve as an affirmation or its sound can create certain desirable mental states.

One mantra technique is to say the phrase on the in-breath and to watch the space left by the phrase on the outbreath, for example, ‘I create my world’ as you breathe in, and observe the space as you breathe out. If the mantra is longer you would say half of it on the in-breath and the second half on the out-breath for example, ‘I am healthy’ on the in-breath and ‘I am strong’ on the out-breath. (See page 62 for another suggestion.)

Whichever type of mantra the children choose, it should be repeated throughout the meditation.

‘Five Minutes of Life’ Observation

One exercise in mindfulness and concentration that older children usually enjoy is the ‘Five minutes of life’ observation. Ask the children to spend five minutes being totally aware of every activity they engage in, noting their senses, their feelings and reactions to everything they can, then record it as accurately as possible. An example of this which may help them to understand what to do is as follows:

• I awake; it is morning. I feel the softness of the sheets on my body. I see the ceiling of my bedroom. I feel sleepy. The ceiling is white and smooth; I am aware of a small cobweb in the corner and wonder where the spider is. Peeling back the bedclothes, I feel the cooler air and a shiver runs through me. The carpet is soft beneath my feet; I like this feeling. I can hear dishes being clattered downstairs and smell coffee, a warm familiar smell. I stand up feeling a little stiff. I stretch my whole body and feel the pleasure of expansion. I direct myself to the bathroom . . . and so on.

Meditation at Home

Introducing the Topic

Much of what was said about meditation at home for the younger age groups also applies here. Introducing the idea to older children is best done by leaving an interesting but simple book on meditation lying around or by bringing it up in normal conversation. We most of us can remember a time in our own teenage years when we thought we were grown up and knew everything, and were overtly dismissive of anything our parents said. However, it is also likely that we can remember taking in things which were being said, although we were pretending not to listen. Later, we might have acted upon some of these things, and pretended to ourselves and to others that they were our ideas all along. This is a very natural stage in growing up as children hover between childhood and adulthood and wrestle with issues of identity, dependence and independence. They aspire to be adults in their own right, while secretly recognizing that they still have a lot to learn, and that their parents might still be able to teach them a thing or two. So don’t be disheartened if you bring the subject of meditation up in conversation and it seems to be ignored. If your child is really against the idea, then do not push it; he or she may come back to it later, provided nothing is over-emphasized now. The choice is theirs. All you can do is to provide them with the opportunity and with your support.

However, a little planning, or at least an idea of how to recognize and take the opportunity when it presents itself, is often required. Maybe your child is having trouble concentrating on his or her homework or cannot think of anything to write about for an essay. Maybe he or she suffers from asthma as in the case of Paul, whom we discussed in Chapter 14. Maybe he or she is feeling stressed about impending exams, or is worrying about relationships with friends, or is generally lacking confidence. Any of these situations is a good opportunity for you to say something like, ‘I’ve heard of some exercises which are quite fun to do and are supposed to help with these kinds of problems’. If your child is interested, you will be able to say more. If you understand your child and have read through this book, you will know how to explain more in a way that will be encouraging without suggesting pressure. Pressure only serves to produce resistance. Adolescents need to feel that they are making their own choices. If meditation is something you already practise yourself or decide to take up after reading this book, you might say, ‘I’ve really found that meditating has helped me with all kinds of things’, then elaborate on it if requested.

Meditating Together or Alone?

If your adolescent shows an interest in the subject, you might then find out if they would like to do it with you or on their own. Older adolescents might prefer to be given a book and read it up for themselves, whereas younger ones might welcome the time they can have you to themselves. Before you begin, you might tell them of the various options and exercises available, and let them decide which to try first. Sit down together in the recommended way, and begin the session by encouraging your child to talk about anything which might be on his or her mind. Follow this with the relaxation technique, then with the breathing techniques. If your child wishes to meditate alone, make sure a quiet room is available with no risk of disturbance. This can be a bedroom, with a note on the door saying ‘meditation in progress’. Incense and soft music both aid concentration and enjoyment. Removing shoes and dressing in loose and comfortable clothing such as a track suit, or simply putting a special shawl around the shoulders, help to make meditation a special time, unlike any other. After several sessions, the act of lighting the incense stick, and putting on the music and the ‘special’ clothes will in themselves have a relaxing and calming effect.

Sometimes, as in the case of Peter whom we mentioned earlier in this chapter, it is the young person who introduces the topic to his or her family. It is then up to you as a parent or carer to take an interest and learn with your child. In Peter’s case, he told his father about it; they now go to meditation classes together and meditate at home together twice a day.

Coping with the Unexpected

On rare occasions visualization exercises can bring up unexpected experiences which you may feel unsure about handling. This is more likely to occur with the older children. Often people fall asleep during the relaxation exercise. This does not matter. There is no need to disturb them and they will usually wake naturally as the session draws to a close.

Sometimes the visualization which takes them to a safe place brings tears. Cheryl, a sixteen-year-old, cried because she remembered how lovely it had been when, as a little girl, she used to sit in her grandma’s loft among boxes of ripening apples and lots of old dusty toys. She had felt safe and warm. Life was not quite as cosy as that any more and she wept for the past. Many children and adults alike report reluctance to return from some visualizations, especially the ‘favourite place’ and the ‘light at the end of the tunnel’ ones (see pages 147 and 174–5). Patience, kindness and understanding will help you cope with most situations which might arise during these sessions. Encourage the children to talk about the situation if they wish, but respect their need for privacy if they don’t wish to share it. Always remind them that they can return to these places of beauty and safety whenever they wish. It is within their control. The strange feelings soon pass, and children learn a little more about themselves every time they happen.