You know that person who always has some sort of crisis going on? The person who makes a mountain out of a molehill? The person who seems to bring endless drama into any situation?
Oh, wait. Is that you?
If it is, keep reading. This chapter is for both the Queens of Chaos and those around them.
Unnecessary drama and chaos will cut years off of your life (no, that’s not an official medical diagnosis, just my own professional opinion) and will make things just plain miserable.
Sure, there are times when shit goes down, Real Housewives–style, and there is drah-ma. But on an average day, what I’m talking about are the people who jump to conclusions, go from zero to ten on the “Calm to Crisis” scale in two hot seconds, will not let anything go, thrive on gossip, and basically feel uncomfortable in a state of calmness, therefore weaving drama into anything and everything.
I’m exhausted just thinking about her.
Here’s one truth about these types of people: They love audiences. Without an audience it’s sort of, “If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around, does it make a sound?” But for the Queen of Chaos it’s, “If something happens and no one makes a much bigger deal of it, does it really exist?”
Still not sure if you have this person in your life? If you have described someone in the following way …
Chances are that person is someone you want to limit your time with.
Unless drama and chaos are two of your personal values (see Chapter 4), it will benefit you to not have these people in your life much. Why, you ask? Because too much drama and chaos causes stress and anxiety, and is just generally unhealthy.
So, what to do?
First, this isn’t about her (or him) being “wrong.” No blame and shame here. It’s simply a matter of self-care on your behalf.
That being said, this person may have no idea she’s causing so much drama and chaos. It may be so “normal” to her that she’s completely oblivious to the fact that she’s running around setting fires everywhere while throwing confetti on top of them. So what if you told her? What would be your intention in doing that? Do you truly want to help her? Just make sure you know what your intention is. Because remember, you can’t, and shouldn’t, control other people.
Second, if you have already talked to this person, and she hasn’t changed, ask yourself if you really need her in your life. What are you holding onto by staying in the relationship? If she is wasting precious energy and time in your life, it’s no one’s fault but yours (see Chapter 16). And remember — don’t fight fire with fire here. That’s fine if you’re an MMA fighter, but I’m pretty sure you’re not, so this is an opportunity for you to use your skills of letting it go. The Queen of Chaos will most likely do her best to reel you back in, so keep your antennae up.
Now for those of you reading who are that drama queen: I used to be this girl, too (with an occasional relapse), so I understand. And you may be thinking, “Well, that’s just how my life is — dramatic and chaotic.” I get that you’ve created this identity for yourself, but here’s the hard truth: Your life’s circumstances are probably no more dramatic than anyone else’s. People aren’t born with the “I-love-creating-and-living-in-drama-and-chaos” gene. It’s learned behavior. Probably a coping mechanism to get attention and feel loved — things we all want. You probably don’t know any other way and it feels uncomfortable not creating drama. Being in a state of calmness feels boring and foreign.
Your life’s circumstances are probably no more dramatic than anyone else’s.
So start by asking yourself what you’re getting out of this behavior. What is it that you’re really wanting when you create this turmoil? Are you avoiding other things in your life that might be more important by creating distractions (if so, see Chapter 25)?
I’m not asking you to lose your uniqueness — that thing that makes you, you. What I’m asking is for you to find another way for you to connect with others and feel loved. It may be time for you to start asking for what you want. Because when it comes right down to it, it’s not about the gossip, the stories, and the assumptions that go with all the drama. That’s just what’s on the surface. The perceived benefit of getting attention and love from others is really a false one — one that is unhealthy and in the long run will get you nothing but emptiness, thus putting you back at the beginning … and you’ll end up starting the whole cycle again.
Here’s an example of what a situation at work might look like: Say a coworker gave you a weird look when you’re getting some coffee …
The Queen of Chaos: asks five other people if they saw the look, and what it could possibly mean. Does she think you drink too much coffee? She drinks more coffee than you do, anyway. Does she think your shirt is hideous? Etc., etc.
Reformed Queen of Chaos: wonders if that coworker was having a rough morning; goes about her day normally.
Do you see the major difference? The Reformed Queen of Chaos has won because she is letting go of the notion that the weird look was about her. And can go about the rest of her day without obsessing about something that really doesn’t matter.
(Also, if you’re one of the five people the Queen of Chaos polled, please opt out of the conversation, thus keeping the drama out of your life.)
If nothing else, take a good look here. Avoiding drama might be your ticket to peace, whether you’re the instigator yourself or the person on the receiving end.