I wanted to be Superwoman for as long as I can remember. Do it all. Have it all. Be it all.
If you’re like me, you probably looked up to some version of this character growing up—and most of us still do as grown-ass women. (Don’t believe me? Take a look around the next costume party you go to.) I get it; Superwoman, after all, is pretty and pretty tough at the same time. Like, how does she maintain that bouncy blowout and look so smoking hot while also saving the world every day?!
But, for the longest time I never really stopped to think about why I aspired to be the embodiment of Superwoman. Have you? Or do you, a powerful, human woman, just idolize her because . . . you always have? Let’s think about it for a second.
The Superwoman origin story goes, more or less, like this: Superman started saving the world. Then he saved Superwoman. And, then, Superwoman went on to save the world, multiple times—all while strutting in sassy red boots and remaining perfectly coiffed. So, it’s basically a tale of a woman who was saved by a dude and then went right into saving everyone else. Never complaining. Never missing a beat. Is that truly who you want to be, what you want to strive for?
I don’t. Her narrative is all about saving everyone else; in essence, dropping everything and even putting her own well-being in danger at the slightest suggestion that she is needed. Sure, she performs incredible feats, but who she is and how she feels is largely a mystery. In real life that plays out like this: Being all things to all people means you are nothing to yourself. And therein lies the real danger.
What I want to be is a Super Woman, not Superwoman. That space in between is important. That space allows me to define, on my own terms, what being “super” means for me and my goals without the pressure and limitations that come with the make-believe one-word version.
I’m betting your idolization of Superwoman is shifting as well, even if you’re not fully aware of it yet. I can tell because the number-one question I get asked online or at the events is “Nicole, how can I stay happy and balanced and on top of my shit all the time like you?”
Well, I’ve never lied to my readers before, and I’m not going to do it now. I get that I might look or seem that way from what you know about me or my bio. You might know that I was the youngest anchor ever at CNN and hosted my own global show on CNBC in my midtwenties. You also might know that I found my niche after that delivering smart, no-nonsense advice about money and business to young women. And, you might know that I wrote two bestselling books (maybe you even read them!) on how to be a Rich Bitch and a Boss Bitch—someone who is in control of her financial life and her career future. All of this is true. But this is also true: I haven’t always been balanced. I haven’t been on top of my shit all the time. And, despite the success I’ve had, I haven’t been consistently happy.
So while you know my bio, you probably don’t know the whole story behind it. I had a broken and traumatic upbringing, one I hid from by working and then working some more. I reached the top of what I thought would be a long climb to success earlier than I’d ever imagined, becoming a network news anchor at just twenty-one. The more I achieved, the harder I worked. I thought that if I only worked harder, I would be even more successful—and then I would be happy. I told myself, “When I get to this network, I’ll be happy.” Then, I would get there and say, “Well, when I get this position, I’ll be happy.” But, breaking news: I wasn’t. There was always another benchmark for success, always more to achieve, and always more realness to hide from.
Until very recently, if you had asked me to make a list of all the things I valued, it wouldn’t have even occurred to me to put myself on it. The list was long with everything I’d always wanted: a super job, a super man, and an overall super life. But I wasn’t devoting any time or effort into becoming a super woman first.
Until—also very recently—I had a breakdown. A complete and total mental, physical, and emotional breakdown. The developmental trauma I ignored or numbed with work for so many years finally kicked my ass. And only then did I have no choice but to make myself a priority.
Of course, I had experienced setbacks before, but my burnout and subsequent breakdown was the first and only time in my life that I fell down such a deep, dark hole that no one else could get me out of it. No one could swoop in to rescue me. I had to rescue myself.
That’s when I realized: I’m not Superwoman—and I don’t want to be. What I wanted to be was a Super Woman, a woman who, when she needed a hero, became one.
My climb from rock bottom was a long one. If you’re starting at a higher place than me, well, I’m not mad at ya. But you still have to climb to get to the top. There’s no secret elevator. There’s no quick fix. In fact, there is no external solution to an internal problem.
If you think you’re okay just muscling through your problems as they arise or maybe even think you’ve “found” balance, keep thinking. Balance is not something you find, it’s something you create, actively participate in, and practice all the time. And “not drowning” is not the same as “swimming.” The space between “hanging in there” and being truly happy is where the real work is. My space was a pretty big one. But, if I could close that gap, then anyone can, including you.
While researching this book, I conducted the largest survey ever on women and burnout.* What I found wasn’t particularly surprising, given how I felt myself, but it also wasn’t good:
• 82 percent of respondents have experienced burnout—and 89 percent have felt they were on the verge of burnout.
• 49 percent have experienced a legitimate breakdown—and 71 percent have felt like they were close to experiencing one.
• 88 percent said there had been a time when mental or emotional stress affected their work.
• Almost 50 percent feel anxious four or more days a week.
• More than half (57 percent) said that their life did not feel balanced.
• 63 percent feel the pace of their life is sustainable.
Look at that last stat compared to what you read in the ones before it. How is it that so many of us are teetering on the edge of burnout or total breakdown—and yet the majority of us also feel that the pace of our lives is sustainable? What gives?! We are clearly struggling, but many of us are not yet ready to admit that it’s a problem. I wasn’t, until after I broke down. But until we face that reality head-on, we will continue to struggle and so will our careers, productivity, and well-being.
You might have seen headlines about how badass women from Hillary Clinton to Selena Gomez to YouTube superstar Lilly Singh (whose channel, ironically, is called “Superwoman”) have run themselves into the ground. Here’s what Sharon Osbourne said when she came back on her show after a public breakdown: “I was doing too much of everything, thinking ‘I’m Superwoman, I’m so strong, I can handle this, I can handle that.’ ” But she wasn’t Superwoman and neither was I—and neither were the 49 percent of women who said they’d had breakdowns, too.
Why is this happening to so many smart, successful, and strong women? The more I talk with other women—and I get that privilege all the time in my line of work—the more I realize how similar all our stories are. Here’s what I’m hearing: We feel like we have to achieve more, be perfect, and power through whatever is going on. We are striving for balance in a fast-paced, hyperconnected world where we feel like we have to apologize if we take more than an hour to respond to an email. Working like crazy is driving us crazy. We are burning out.
Throughout my personal search for a way to get—and stay—better, I yearned for a playbook to tell me how to win the balance game without losing my career. Or myself. I didn’t want some New Agey, holier-than-thou nonsense. I wanted a clear plan, broken down in a way I could understand and follow. But that didn’t exist. So I went out and tried everything balance-related I could find, from equine therapy (yep, healing with horses) to extreme digital detox to floating meditation. I studied with spiritual healers, Eastern and Western medical practitioners, and even an astrologist. I went to Bali and on a silent retreat. I signed up for classes on quantum consciousness and behavioral theory. I tried treatments that retrain neuropathways and clear memories. I traveled the world and read everything I possibly could in search of answers.*
I gave myself a crash course in Emotional Wellness (more on that in the first step) and, as a result, ultimately found more success in my career than I ever did back when I was frantically responding to emails in the middle of the night. I found that nailing that was more beneficial than any business book I read or class I took. In this book, I’ll lay out all the answers I arrived at, step-by-step—not as a guru or a scientific expert, just as someone who fell hard and figured out how to get my ass back up.
Becoming Super Woman is a combination of my personal stories (the most personal yet) and actionable advice. It is laid out in the same way as my previous books: that is, in twelve steps, which I hope will make what has traditionally been seen as a fuzzy topic feel more manageable and the lessons more practical. As with my other books, you’re welcome to follow the twelve steps in order, or to jump around “Choose Your Own Adventure” style. But I hope that you will read the book in its entirety in some fashion and then keep it so you can refer back to the sections you’ll need at different times in your life. And I promise, life will let you know when you need a refresher.
Not sure where to start? Then Step 1: Killing Superwoman is the place for you. Be it stress, anxiety, an inability to say “no”—the list goes on—most of us face many different, intersecting “problems.” In this step, we’ll put a label on ours (which makes them less scary!) and then shift our thinking about them so we can stop hiding from them. Find yourself pulled in a million different directions by work projects, family obligations, and your social life? Check out Step 5: Boundaries, Bitch to learn how to set and maintain healthy boundaries (which will save your sanity and that of your loved ones). Are you overwhelmed by the daily grind . . . the growing assault of emails . . . the glowing screens? Head to Step 7: Put Down the F-ing Phone for a digital detox and to learn how being less plugged-in can actually make you more productive. Feeling super run-down, even though you just took a vacation? Look to Step 11: Check Yourself for more on identifying when you might need a mental health day, how to ask for one, and other tips for maintaining your Emotional Wellness even in the midst of chaos.
I used to think that being super meant excelling in everything: my career, my personal life, and, yeah, having a rockin’ bod and the perfect outfit. But that ideal wasn’t heroic at all. In fact, it was destructive. The pursuit of being perfectly put together made everything, well, fall apart.
The superpower I was missing was the ability to take care of myself. A real Super Woman—Super [space] Woman—is a woman who is dedicated to the pursuit of her own happiness, who decides what’s important to her and makes time for it, who listens to what’s going on in her own head and then deliberately and thoughtfully acts on it. A Super Woman is her own goddamn hero, who writes her own story and, when need be, saves herself.
Superwoman only exists in fiction. Super Women exist in real life. It’s time to kill the idea that you have to be Superwoman. It’s time to become a Super Woman.
* Developed with the help of the Institute for Applied Positive Research.
* If you want to read more about my adventures and the weird ways I researched this book/learned while learning to save myself, download the free e-book The Super Woman Guide to Trips, Treatments, and Therapies for Balance (On a Budget) at TheSuperWomanGuide.com. It gives you the exclusive knowledge and tricks that I learned from classes, experts, and healers all over the world—no wallet or passport required.