This chapter is full of ideas that will help you build a family culture that supports sibling closeness. But they won’t work by themselves. I’ve saved this for the end of Part 2 because these ideas are the icing on the cake. Icing may make the difference in making the cake fantastic, but you need a cake for the icing to work. Without the calm parenting approach outlined in Part 1, and the communication and conflict resolution skills in the earlier chapters of Part 2, the tools in this chapter won’t help much.
So once you’ve put the rest of this book to work, and you’re ready for some fine-tuning, let’s consider some best practices to create a thriving family culture.
The best method for preventing sibling rivalry is to work as early as possible in your children’s lives to help them really value each other, so they know that the relationship with their brother or sister is special, that it will be with them their whole lives, that they really can count on each other for help.
– Professor Laurie Kramer, sibling rivalry researcher1
One of the most fundamental ways you influence your children’s relationship is the expectation you hold about it. In her book My Sister, My Self, Vikki Stark interviewed more than 400 women, teens, and girls about their sister relationship. ‘I found over and over that sisters who were close came from families who put a lot of emphasis on the relationship,’ she says. ‘It was a family culture – you are sisters, you have each other to depend on for life and we expect you to have a close relationship.’2
This is not forced positivity. Children cannot be expected to always be in touch with their love for each other. (Even adults can’t do that!) It’s completely normal for humans who live together to get angry at each other. But if we can hold the expectation that as a family we will always work things out with each other, that we deeply value our relationships with each other, that siblings have a unique bond that is to be treasured and protected, then we’ll transmit that assumption to our children. How?
1. Celebrate your family, which includes siblings. Family traditions and rituals help children bond. A sense of family identity – ‘We’re the reading Ryans!’ or ‘We’re the exploring Zimmermans!’ – makes children feel like part of a team.
2. Explicitly teach values, including kindness and supportiveness. Family rules and a family motto (see the next section) that express values give children a positive framework for their relationship with each other. Talk about what family means: ‘We’re a family; we take care of each other … We support each other … We appreciate each other … We always work together to work things out … We celebrate each other.’
3. Explicitly teach emotional intelligence. Point out that nobody’s perfect, and we all depend on each other’s compassion and forgiveness when we’re having a hard time. Once children understand that feelings matter, and drive behaviour – but we’re always responsible for choosing our behaviour – they become more tolerant of each other.
4. Honour individuality and celebrate difference. Talk often about the fact that each member of the family is unique, brings a different perspective that is to be respected, and is valuable just because they are themselves. The family needs each person for it to be whole. It’s okay for kids to be different from you, and from each other. Look for those differences, talk about them, enjoy them. ‘Yes, you love chocolate ice cream … I’m more of a caramel fan myself. Isn’t it great how everyone is different? That’s part of what makes the world interesting.’ This also helps kids see themselves as unique individuals, so they won’t feel as much need to compete with each other.
5. Create a ‘sibling book’ to help your children see their relationship positively. A personalized book helps your children understand that even though they may fight with their sibling, siblings always work things out. You can find an example – Brothers Are Forever – at AhaParenting.com, which you can download as a Word document and personalize.
6. Talk about how lucky your children are to have each other. Ask, ‘What is your favourite thing about having a brother?’ or ‘What is the coolest thing you’ve taught (or learnt from) your sister?’
I step back and let them comfort each other if they get hurt. It’s hard to not swoop in and grab that hurt and sobbing two-year-old but to watch the five-year-old hug her (or vice versa!) with incredible love is amazing. My children seek each other for hugs and comfort and I love to see it.
– Melinda
1. Morning snuggles. Make sure you get five minutes of relaxed snuggle time with each child as they wake up. I know, it sounds impossible. But if everything else is already done, you can relax for five minutes. That time connecting with your child will transform your morning. You fill your child’s cup before the day starts, and you reconnect after the separation of the night, which gives your child the motivation to cooperate instead of fight with you – or his sibling. What if more than one child piles into bed with you? Snuggle with everyone!
2. Family kindness journal. Buy a bound book, or tie sheets of paper together with a ribbon, or just add sheets of paper to a binder. Label it ‘Our Family Kindness Journal’ and let the kids decorate it. You might begin with a quote about kindness, such as the Dalai Lama’s: ‘Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.’ Then, notice acts of kindness between your children, and write them in the journal, with the date.
‘Brody helped Katelyn with her fort when it kept falling down.’
‘Kevin shared the biscuit he brought home from school with Michael.’
‘Natalya helped Yuri reach the light switch. Yuri was so pleased.’
‘At the supermarket today, Evie suggested that we buy oranges for Damian.’
Soon, your children will be noticing the small kindnesses between them and asking you to record them. Before you know it, they’ll be inspired to perform more acts of kindness towards each other. You might even want to explicitly encourage everyone in your family to do one kind act for each person every day, pointing out that kindness has a way of warming the hearts of both people – the giver and the receiver.
3. Make it a daily practice to comment on some way that each child helped another child. Say ‘I noticed that you comforted Liam when he hurt himself … He must have really appreciated that,’ or ‘I saw you help Victoria with her pajama top. What a helpful sister!’
4. When it’s chore time, work in teams. All children want to feel that they’re making a contribution. So instead of seeing chores as a way to get help with the household work, reframe them for yourself as a way for your children to see themselves as being of service to the family. If you’re trying to teach a child to master a given chore, then the parent usually needs to work with the child. But having your children work with each other is a terrific way to foster the sibling team. Give them a task that takes teamwork and let them figure out how to work together on it.
5. Let siblings nurture each other. When one child gets hurt, make it a practice for everyone in the family to stop playing and tend to the child who’s hurt. Hold back a moment to see if the siblings step in to nurture each other. Send a child for the ice pack or plasters, or even let them be your medical assistant and tend to their sibling. Include all the children in this, including any child who was involved in the other getting hurt. Dr William Sears describes a lovely practice in which ‘if one child was either physically or emotionally hurt, the others were encouraged to offer comfort to ease the pain. We called this practice “laying on of hands.” The sib under pressure (whether it be an upcoming test, or an emotional or physical hurt) would sit in the middle of the group while the rest of us would place a hand on him and pray for his comfort in a calming way.’3
6. When you take photos, always take some of your kids together and some of each child solo. Children see the individual photos you take of them as symbols of your love. Photos of the siblings together symbolize the importance of the sibling bond.
7. At dinner every night, let everyone share the best and the worst parts of their day. If the best part has to do with a sibling, celebrate it. If the worst part has to do with a sibling, empathize with the person who shares. (‘It sounds like you were really upset when you and Molly argued about the rules for playing that game …’) Since tempers have cooled, the sibling might actually jump in with a peace-restoring comment. If not, see if you can offer one, without taking sides: ‘It’s a hard thing when two people have really different ideas about how to play a game … Sometimes they decide they love playing together so much that both people are willing to change their ideas a little so they can still play … Maybe tomorrow will be like that, and you’ll both have a better time.’
Why risk tearing the scab off a source of tension? Because this gives you a chance to heal the rift. Sometimes the kids do it themselves; sometimes you do it by ‘telling the story’ in a positive way. If it turns out there are still hurt feelings that can’t be solved at dinner, it gives you a chance to schedule a problem-solving session – ‘Sounds like you two are having a problem working out the best rules for the sandbox … It’s okay to have different ideas about that … We can solve this, but not right now at dinner. Let’s talk about it in the morning, okay?’ You’ve cleared the air and given them another way to understand the situation, so they don’t go to sleep feeling resentment towards their sibling.
8. Practise gratitude. At dinner or bedtime, start a practice where everyone in the family expresses gratitude to every other family member. This works best when each person just throws in their ‘gratitudes’ when they’re moved to, so no one is on the spot while everyone stares at them. (This is a version of ‘appreciations,’ which is described in ‘Family Meetings’ here.)
9. Include in your bedtime routine a chance for your children to always say ‘good night’ and ‘I love you’ to each other. Some families also have the older child read to the younger one before bed, which can be a lovely opportunity for bonding.
10. Create family traditions that foster sibling bonding. Happy families not only have treasured traditions, but evolve new ones that help them find their way through the inevitable changes of growing up by creating warm bonds and a sense of security. Examine your family traditions through the lens of the sibling relationship. What regular events (weekly, seasonal, or annual) would promote sibling excitement and closeness? You might let the children have a sleepover in the living room on the last night of school every year, or camping in the garden at the end of the summer. Children will find these sibling traditions very special and will create memories together that will positively flavour their entire year.
11. Consider an annual sibling celebration. For instance, even if you aren’t Hindi, you might decide to celebrate your own version of Raksha Bandhan, a Hindu holiday for brothers and sisters. The children give each other small presents, including home-made cards listing what they appreciate about each other, and you have a special dinner – maybe out at an Indian restaurant – where you toast to them as a team. Or simply make up your own holiday, such as a ‘brother birthday’ every year on the day that falls exactly halfway between their birthdays.
If you have a child over the age of six, you know that children love rules. They love to argue about them and enforce them. And the rules they love best are the ones they help make! Many parents react with apprehension to the idea that their children might help formulate the family rules. Let me reassure you that you’re still the parent, and you have the responsibility of veto. But when children are involved in the process of making rules, they’re much more likely to follow them.
That said, I want to caution you against too many rules. Children won’t remember them if you have too many. They’ll forget that some rules are more important than others, leading them, for instance, to yank their brother roughly off the sofa because he isn’t supposed to be jumping on it, while forgetting the rule about being kind.
Sit down with your children and a big piece of paper and ask if your family already has any rules. Your kids will surprise you with what they say. ‘Go to bed when Dad says’ and ‘Don’t wake the baby’ may show up, but not ‘Be Kind.’ Write down everything they say, and then ask if there are any more rules that should be added. Write down all suggestions. Then tell your kids that you want to go through the list and select the most important five rules, or maybe three rules and a family motto. Write them neatly on another piece of paper. Let the kids decorate it, and hang it up. Your rules might look like this:
1. We’re kind.
2. We don’t hurt people or property.
3. We ask before touching someone’s body and stop when anyone says stop.
4. We always clear up our own messes.
5. We do what Mum and Dad ask.
What’s a family motto? A rule so important that it becomes a guiding vision for your children. You’ll find yourself using it often, so that it becomes a saying in your family. Some mottos from parents on the AhaParenting.com Facebook page:
• Choose love!
• In this house, we do loving and kindness.
• Be brave, be kind, be respectful.
• What will work? Team work!
• People are more important than things.
• Family is forever.
• There is always more love.
I’ll never forget the moment when our three-year-old erupted in the most joyous cascade of laughter I’ve ever heard. He was playing with his one-year-old sister, and her antics touched a funny bone within him that I didn’t even know existed. His many little friends couldn’t trigger it either. But his little sister, whom he loved, drew something new and wonderful out of him … In loving, we expand not only our own capacity to love but also the richness of our own personalities.
– Mary Rice Hasson, Ethics and Public Policy Centre
If your children are having a hard time with each other, it’s natural that you focus on helping them learn to resolve differences peacefully. But it’s important to remember that their incentive to work things out happily will depend on how much of a positive balance they’ve built up in their ‘relationship bank account’ with each other. Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman in their book NurtureShock say, ‘In many sibling relationships the rate of conflict can be high, but the fun times in the backyard and the basement more than balance it out. This net-positive is what predicts a good relationship later in life. In contrast, siblings who simply ignored each other had less fighting, but their relationship stayed cold and distant long term.’4
How do siblings build up a reservoir of good feelings to draw on? Mostly, by having a good time together. Dr John Gottman of the Seattle Love Lab has found that couples need five to seven positive interactions to counterbalance one negative interaction.5 This ratio has been repeated in multiple studies, from couples to workplaces. As far as I know, there hasn’t been parallel research done with siblings. But that’s not a bad ratio to aim for.
This might make you feel despairing – after all, if they fight six times a day, how can you help them create thirty-six positive interactions? Remember that a smile counts as a positive; these don’t all have to be major interactions to have a beneficial effect. Why not simply adopt the goal of helping your children have as many positive interactions as you can?
1. Notice and promote the activities that get your children playing together. Research on improving sibling relationships shows that children have better relationships when they share activities they both enjoy.6 It can be tough to identify those activities, especially if there’s an age or interest gap. But if you pay attention, you can usually suggest something that will interest both children. For instance, if she wants to play shop and he wants to play astronaut, why not have a shop on the moon? Or maybe both enjoy the play kitchen, or doing art together, or making forts. Be sure to encourage at least one shared activity every day.
2. Don’t interrupt happy play. You probably remember the old adage ‘Never wake a sleeping baby.’ My corollary is ‘Don’t interrupt a happily playing child.’ So when siblings are playing together well, don’t take it for granted. Support them in whatever they need to keep playing, and don’t interrupt unless it’s unavoidable.
3. Use oxytocin to get your children bonding. Laughing. Being outdoors. Dancing. Singing. Rough and tumble. Snuggling. Include as many oxytocin-inducing activities as you can in your daily routine.
4. Start ‘special time’ between your children. Amy McCready, author of If I Have to Tell You One More Time, suggests something she calls Mind, Body and Soul time for siblings.7 This is a ten-minute block of time that is designated for two children to spend together. It might be just the ticket if your children are widely spaced in age, or one is less interested in playing together than the other one, because it structures time together into the regular routine and maintains the connection. If they have a hard time in the beginning figuring out what to do together, be prepared with fun suggestions. (Screens should be off-limits.)
5. Comment to each child about how much the others love him, and about specific things the other children have done. ‘Isn’t it great that your brother shared his treat with you? You and your brother are so lucky to have each other!’ These comments usually work best when the siblings aren’t around and the child feels happily connected to you.
6. When they’re having a bad day, pull out an activity they’ll both love, such as making biscuits or dancing, to shift the mood.
We foster teamwork by pitting the girls against Daddy – in a race, in a tackle, in a game – and he only lets them win if they work together. They don’t know that, of course. But we reflect and say, ‘Remember how the two of you were able to beat Daddy in the race when you worked together?’
– Elizabeth
Children’s competitive instincts are related to the drive towards mastery. All humans love the excitement of the race; we’re programmed to look for those road markers that tell us how we’re doing in our efforts to excel (and get that next little zap of dopamine). So competition is bound to crop up in your family, no matter how many positive interactions you facilitate. But what if your children could see each other as partners on the same team, instead of competitors?
1. Begin creating a team feeling by including both children in your comments, even before the baby is able to contribute much to the team: ‘You two are playing with that toy together and you both seem to be having so much fun. What a terrific team!’
2. Instead of pitting your children against each other, find ongoing ways to unite them in the same mission. ‘Can you work together so you’re both ready to leave the house at 8 am? That will give us time to go the long way to school so we can see the bulldozers at the building site again. Yes? What a team!’
3. Promote the idea of the sibling team by creating family activities in which your children work together. For instance, give them a huge sheet of paper to draw on together. Ask them to write a letter to Grandma together. Design a scavenger hunt in which the kids help each other, rather than compete against each other. When you rough and tumble, always team children against grown-ups.
4. Put your kids in charge of a project together. For instance, maybe they’ll wash the car together, to earn the money you would have spent at the car wash. Or maybe they’re in charge of the decorations for Christmas, or planning a fun family outing. Let the children work together to do the planning, with you only peripherally involved to ensure safety and maximum fun.
If you have more than two children, you’ve seen it. Perhaps in your family, the girls team up against the boy, or maybe the oldest resents the second child but adores the baby. The alliances can shift like the wind, or they can solidify, leaving one child out in the cold on a regular basis. What can you do to encourage all of your children to appreciate each other?
1. Assign them tasks as a ‘sibling team’ to get all of the kids working together: ‘If the three of you can work together to get ready for bed, we’ll have time for three books at bedtime, so each of you can choose a book.’
2. Pit the sibling team ‘against’ the parents: ‘Okay, pillow fight! Kids against parents!’
3. Shake up the current teams. Play a board game and you decide the teams. If Jade and Alexandra are always conspiring against Levi, then put Jade on your team and Alexandra on the team with Levi. She’ll have to find a way to work with him if she wants to win.
4. Mix and match. Be sure your children get a chance to be one-on-one with each other, rather than always hanging as a group. When you have two kids who don’t naturally connect, create opportunities. Take them on a special outing or find activities they can do as a pair at home. The more it’s just the two of them, the more likely they are to bond.
5. Directly interrupt the unkindness when they whisper or exclude. ‘Excuse me, you aren’t being unkind, are you? You aren’t purposely excluding someone, are you? That isn’t what we do in our family.’
6. Be ready to step in. No matter how you try to avoid it, one of your children will sometimes feel excluded. If you can invite them to spend some Special Time with you, you’re making lemonade from lemons by giving them something even more valuable than time with their siblings – one-on-one time with you.
When my two- and four-year-olds are having a tough time playing nicely together, I turn into ‘mummy monster’ and chase them. They laugh, run away together, and find ways to team up and get me. The kids vs. mummy game seems to work every time.
– Jennifer
Most parents get anxious when children rough and tumble. Isn’t the end result always tears? But play is how nature designed humans, especially small humans, to learn, to ease the tensions of daily life, and to connect. Children rely on physical play to work through the natural tensions of the relationship. Moving helps work out emotion. Laughter is even more important, since it creates more oxytocin, the bonding hormone, and decreases anxiety by reducing stress hormones. And like other young mammals, when kids ‘play fight,’ they learn to manage aggression, which makes them less likely to lash out when they’re angry. So when kids wrestle, pillow fight, and rough and tumble, it’s good practice. Rough and tumble is so valuable that it’s worth the extra energy to figure out how to make it work for your family.
1. Help children create safety rules for play fights. If you’re worried that someone’s about to get hurt, try to resist just shutting down the action out of your own anxiety. Instead, help your kids make rules to keep everyone safe: ‘Play wrestling is great, as long as you have rules to stay safe. What are your rules? Oh, when someone yells “Stop!” both people have to stop? And no hitting? Those sound like great rules! How are they working so far? Do you need any other rules?’
2. Set limits before you get angry. The minute you start getting worried that someone will get hurt, it’s a signal to do something. No, not yell. It’s time to intervene in a positive way to make sure things are safe. Many parents try so hard to be patient that they let things get out of hand. Next thing you know, someone’s crying, and you’re yelling. That’s not the emotional regulation you want to model. State your rule or expectation, firmly and kindly. ‘This kind of play doesn’t belong in this room. I’m worried that you might roll into the lamp or the TV.’
3. Assess the danger. Is it actually dangerous? Maybe the kids are being loud and exuberant, but having a great time, and there’s no actual danger to anyone, or to your home. Or maybe a small change would make a difference, like moving the bed closer to the chest of drawers so they can jump onto the bed safely. Maybe your children are having a throwing contest with blocks, but you can substitute stuffed animals.
4. Connect before you correct. Yelling across the room will just add to the frenzy. Instead, go physically to your children. When a child is spinning out of control, you can’t get through to him unless you move in close in a friendly way. Make a positive connection with your child before you ask him to do something different. ‘You two are having lots of fun with this rough and tumble, aren’t you?’
5. Empathize as you offer an alternative, and maybe a choice. ‘I know it’s hard to stop, but this kind of play belongs in the basement on the tumbling mat, or outside. Outside? Let’s go!’
6. Check in with all participants to be sure everyone is enjoying the activity. ‘Is everyone still having fun with this?’ If one of your kids is getting into a frenzy and the other seems a bit tense, you can help them check in with each other. ‘Jaden, do you see that your brother isn’t laughing? Let’s stop for a minute and be sure everyone feels safe … Henry, you can tell Jaden to stop whenever you want. Do you want to practise it right now?’
7. Tears aren’t the end of the world. Often, kids do begin to cry when they get a big bump while rough and tumble. Sometimes those tears are appropriate to the injury, and your child is ready to get back into the action after a quick hug from you. Sometimes, they sob wildly, clearly overreacting. That’s a good thing; it means all that laughter has loosened up the feelings stuffed in their emotional backpack, and they’re taking advantage of this owie to share the deeper wounds they can’t verbalize. After a good cry, your child will be so much more relaxed and happy, since those feelings will be ‘off his chest.’ So instead of feeling like a bad parent because someone got hurt, relax. Take the opportunity to help your child with his big feelings, and be glad that he got a chance to cry. Afterwards, ask both kids if they think they need to add any new rules to keep everyone safer next time. You might write the rules down and post them, even if they can’t read yet, so you can easily remind them next time they start getting wild.
8. Help them wind down. Sometimes you do need to redirect to a calmer activity. But often when kids are really wound up, they have a hard time stopping, because they’re about to melt down. If you sense a meltdown brewing, test it by connecting and then setting a limit. ‘Okay, darlings, time to calm down now. That’s enough rowdiness.’ If necessary, grab him up in a bear hug. If he calms down, great! If he bursts into tears, great! Better those feelings should come out by crying in your arms than by hurting his little brother.
9. Make sure your kids have a safe place to be wild. Children need to roll around, wrestle, climb, and jump. Our modern lives don’t always offer them that opportunity. If you don’t have a garden, or a basement with a tumbling mat, make their room safe for rough and tumble, and make sure they get plenty of time to romp and tussle at the playground or park. If you don’t, your sofa will start to look a lot like a trampoline, and your lamps will be living dangerously.
You can use rough and tumble play to defuse brewing conflicts, deflect teasing, create a team feeling between siblings, build self-esteem with children who are smaller or less assertive, and help kids with specific issues like competition. Your goal is as much laughter as possible, so be just scary enough to get them shrieking with laughter. In every game, your job is to bumble and be incompetent and let the children win. Kids giggle and sweat and love these games, and ask for them over and over.
Here are a few games to get you started. For more ideas, I highly recommend the work of Becky Bailey (I Love You Rituals), Lawrence Cohen (Playful Parenting), Patty Wipfler (HandinHandParenting.org), and Aletha Solter (Attachment Play), from whom I have adapted many games over the years.
1. Kids against parents – pillow fights, wrestling.
2. Chase them around the house to foster teamwork: ‘I smell children! I am going to catch them both! The only way to get away from me is if you are holding hands … That is the magic that keeps you safe!’
(See also ‘Games to Help Your Children Bond with the Baby’ here.)
1. Let your child push you over.
2. Race – and of course, trip so he wins.
3. Play role reversal games such as Grandmother’s footsteps, Simon Says, and Follow-My-Leader. Let her give the orders.
• Reduce kids’ competitiveness with each other.
• Let children experience themselves as strong and powerful, an antidote to daily experience.
• Help strong-willed children feel less pushed around.
1. God or Goddess of Love: When your children object that you’re paying attention to a sibling and not to them, say ‘I’m the Goddess of Love and I have more hugs than you could ever need!’ Then grab the children, one by one and in groups, and give lots and lots of hugs, being goofy to get the kids laughing.
2. Lovesick puppy: Follow your child round exclaiming about how sweet he smells, sitting on the floor gazing up at him in his chair, licking his arm to get him laughing. When one of the other children notices and comments, immediately turn your delighted attention to them. Get your kids competing to see who can best avoid your ridiculous adoration.
(See also ‘Using Games to Help Your Child with Jealousy’ here.)
See ‘How to Playfully Divert Bickering’ here.
Laughter is always good for kids and parents, because it helps heal emotions and create connection. But tickling, even when children giggle, can make children feel powerless. The child may seem to be having fun, but she can’t help laughing. The adult is completely in control and the child loses the ability to stand up for herself. Many kids end up out of breath, begging for the parent to stop tickling – and not all parents stop. Many adults have unpleasant memories of being tickled past the point of it being enjoyable, and being helpless to protect themselves.
So why do kids initiate tickle games? Kids need to feel physically close to us. They love to laugh. Sometimes kids are able to articulate that this is how they get to be silly and have fun with their parents. But I’ve observed that when parents begin to initiate other kinds of physical play that gets children laughing, the kids usually stop being so interested in tickling.
So what do you do if a child asks to be tickled? Threaten to tickle, by moving your hand close and saying, ‘I’m going to get you!’ The threat alone should make your child laugh. You’re not provoking a physiological reflex that overwhelms him. You’re dancing on the edge of your child’s fear, so he can laugh it out.
There were some rough nights in the beginning but now both are great sleepers – they just go back to sleep when the other one wakes them. And they are now so close. Our oldest helps the baby with everything.
– Kirk
Many adults who shared a room look back fondly on their chats and giggling before they fell asleep each night. Others remember hating the lack of privacy and resenting each other. It’s true that having children share a room usually makes everything more complicated, from bedtimes to safeguarding possessions to whose responsibility it is to clear up. But if your kids share a room, either for space reasons or because that’s your preference, it is possible to make it not only a good experience for both children, but a treasured one.
1. Make sure your children each get enough personal space. They already have to share you and so much else. If your children share a room, be sure they each have ‘private’ space where they can withdraw from the world and not interact. Bed canopies with curtains, and play tents, are invaluable for privacy. You might even paint a line down the middle of the floor, or hang a curtain or set the furniture up to define two separate spaces. For kids who are very different in their neatness levels, this is especially important.
2. Make a rule that the bedroom is for quiet activities. That way, a child who wants a calm place to withdraw to always has one. The rowdy child can stay in the family space.
3. Give each child a toy cupboard where they can put their treasures away. If there’s a big age difference, let the older child lock their cupboard to keep their treasures safe from the marauding toddler. Family toys can be kept in the family common space to keep the bedroom less cluttered and encourage sleeping, rather than playing, at night.
4. Use white noise or nature recordings at sleep time so small noises are less likely to wake the other child.
5. When children are young, have separate bedtimes. Put the younger one to bed while the older one stays up a bit later, listening to an audiobook or having Special Time with the other parent. Then read her a story in the living room (dim the lights). Give her a special torch of her own to use while you tuck her in quietly, to make this more special.
6. If they won’t settle at naptime, or nap at different times and will wake each other, have one nap on the sofa, in a play pen, or in your bedroom.
7. Don’t move the baby into your older child’s room until he’s sleeping reliably. And if your older child is still a toddler, it’s also best to delay the move until the baby is at least eight months, given that toddlers just don’t have the judgement to be left alone with a young baby.
8. Consider letting your kids share a bed once the baby is old enough. I’ve heard from countless families that their children who share sleep are closer, and more understanding of each other during daylight hours. And many children sleep better if there’s another warm body with them.
9. Explain that they can’t wake their sibling in the morning until their night light goes off, and put it on a timer. Most parents find that kids sleep longer in the morning when they aren’t alone, but there’s always the risk that they’ll wake each other. Be sure they know what they can do when they wake up – come wake you? Read books in their own bed?
10. There will be a transitional time when your kids wake each other. Don’t give up. Keep a play pen ready, or a sleeping bag on your rug, to relocate one child on a difficult night. Most parents find summer or another holiday is the best time for this learning process, so that if there are a few nights of spotty sleep, you won’t have the pressure to get everyone out the door in the morning. Soon you’ll find your children have adapted and love sharing a room with each other.
11. Be aware that things might change as they get older. Kids sometimes need more privacy as they hit the preteen years. If it’s an option to have their own rooms at that point, help them make a graceful transition. It doesn’t mean they love their sibling any less.
In some families, everyone plays together all the time. And some parents find that their children get along much better when they play mostly with each other. But children also benefit from relationships outside the family. Children have to take a little more care with friends, and give as much as they take. That teaches them prosocial skills and habits that they then bring into the sibling relationship.8
When a child invites a friend over, it will give the friendship more of a chance to flourish if that time is sibling-optional. That means that it’s always the child’s choice whether to include her sibling.
Being excluded from a sibling’s playdate can be hard, of course. Sometimes the parents can be helpful in finding a way to include the sibling, and can coach the sibling on asking to be included.
Lily: They never let me play with them.
Mum: That can hurt, to see your sister having fun with her friend when you feel left out … I wonder whether there’s something else you could do that’s fun.
Lily: I only want to play with them.
Mum: You know the rule with playdates. When someone has a friend over to play, they’re allowed to play alone. You can always ask, though. Sometimes your sister says yes, and sometimes she says no. But she can’t say yes if you don’t ask, right?
Lily: I’m scared to ask.
Mum: Do you want some help to ask if you can play? … Okay, let’s go talk to them.
Mum and Lily walk over to Elizabeth and her friend. Lily looks expectantly at Mum.
Mum: Elizabeth, Lily has something to ask you.
Lily (whispering): I want to play, too.
Mum: Lily, they can’t hear you. You need to tell Elizabeth.
Lily (louder): I want to play, too … Can I play with you and Mia?
Elizabeth: No. We’re two girls alone in the forest, gathering berries to eat. We don’t need another person in our game.
Lily (dejected): Oh.
Mum: I hear that Elizabeth and Mia don’t need another person in their game, so Lily can’t be a person … Elizabeth, do you think the girls in the forest could find a baby fox? Maybe Lily could be a baby fox?
Elizabeth: What do you think, Mia? Would a baby fox be good?
Mia: A baby fox would be great! But you can’t talk, Lily … Can you act like a fox? And just make noises?
Lily (happily): Sure I can!
Often, of course, things don’t go this smoothly and your child refuses to let her sibling join the game. At those times, the only thing you can do as a parent is empathize and grant her wish in fantasy, if necessary setting a limit at the same time: ‘I guess it hurt your feelings when your sister wouldn’t let you play with her and her friend … And you still can’t stand outside her door and scream like that, sweetie, no matter how hurt you are … I bet you wish she would say, “Sure, you can always play with us … Do you want to be the princess or the pirate?” I’m sorry your sister wants to play with her friend alone right now and you can’t join them … Why don’t you come be with me?’
Look at the bright side. It’s a terrific opportunity for Special Time with your child, without her sibling feeling jealous.
Does the idea of family meetings seem stilted and artificial to you? It certainly did to me when I first heard about it. But family meetings turned out to be a blessing to our family. They create connection. They give you a way to work things out between kids when everyone’s calm. They help kids learn to solve problems. They help kids feel like integral members of the family. They even help siblings appreciate each other.
Held regularly at a mutually agreed upon time, family meetings provide a forum for discussing triumphs, grievances, sibling disagreements, schedules, any topic of concern to a family member. To get resistant kids to join in, combine the get-together with incentives such as post-meeting pizza, or assign children important roles such as recording secretary or keeper of the rules.
Introducing family meetings is the hard part; after that they’re so rewarding they take on a life of their own. If you start family meetings during pre-school, you’ll have them later when you really need them. How do you begin?
1. Explain to your kids that you have a fun idea to make it easier to work out problems that come up. Serve a festive snack, and keep it short and fun. Over time, as your children get older and everyone enjoys the meetings, they can get longer.
2. Schedule it at the same time every week. That way, even if you skip it one week, working it in the next week will be easy. For instance, make Sunday evening dinners your family meeting.
3. Create a ritual to signal that this isn’t ordinary time together. You might start by holding hands while one parent (or child) offers a blessing or lights candles.
4. First on the agenda is everyone’s favourite thing – appreciations. In no particular order, everyone offers appreciations, until everyone has appreciated every other family member:
• ‘I appreciate that Daddy played catch with me.’
• ‘I appreciate that Eli helped me carry in the shopping.’
• ‘I appreciate that Alice worked so hard to teach herself to tie her shoes.’
• ‘I appreciate that Mum helped me sew my costume for the school play.’
• ‘I appreciate that Eli helped me build my fort.’
Children love getting and giving appreciations, and doing this regularly is reason enough to have a family meeting. It’s important to begin this way to create a positive connection before you address any problems. And if this is all you end up doing during the meeting, you’ve done a lot, since this is such a powerful tool to build sibling relationships.
What if one child just ‘can’t think of anything nice to say’ about another child? That’s a red flag that you’ve got some work to do to help that child past the chip on his shoulder. At that moment, you might say, ‘Hmm … I know sometimes you get pretty annoyed at your sister. If you were to think of one time this week when you didn’t feel annoyed, what was she doing?’ Even if he answers, ‘She was asleep, so you could play with me!’ you have a place to begin. You can smile and say, ‘I hear Dylan saying that he really appreciates that Hadley gave him a long Special Time today with me … Thank you, Hadley, for being so generous!’ Hadley will smile and feel appreciated, and Dylan will see Hadley as having given him something of value. Of course, you’ll use this incident as motivation for yourself, to create positive interactions between your children during the coming week. That way, next week when Dylan can’t think of anything to appreciate about his sister, you can say, ‘Hmm … sometimes it’s hard to remember all the things that happened in a week … what about that time when you two were laughing so hard in the bath?’
5. Next, ask if anyone wants to bring up an issue. Kids fighting, sharing household work, Dad working late a lot, kids dragging their feet on the bedtime routine – anything that involves the whole family is fair game. This is not the time to bring up a behaviour issue that concerns only one child. In fact, most items that are important to parents will get solved outside of family meetings. These are primarily forums for kids to get help solving issues that aren’t working for them in your home. Don’t let negative issues always dominate, or kids will stop enjoying the meetings. So keep a list of pleasant topics – how to plan the family trip coming up, who’s going to cook for Mum’s birthday – and be sure to bring those up, too.
6. Use ground rules for discussions. Everyone gets a chance to talk. One person talks at a time without interruption, everyone listens, and only constructive feedback is allowed. Pass a ‘talking stick’ if you want; see AhaParenting.com for more on talking sticks. Use your coaching skills to interpret and reflect each person’s needs, so no one is made to feel wrong. Brainstorm possible solutions and help your kids write out agreements. ‘Hmm … sounds like that idea works for Jamal, but not Mum. Let’s find something that works for everyone.’
7. Finish with ‘looking forward to’s,’ in which each person describes something they’re looking forward to in the coming week. This is the time to focus on all the positive things going on in your family’s life. It’s fine to announce on occasion that what you’re looking forward to is closing a business deal or having dinner with your close friend, especially as your kids get older; you’re role-modelling, after all. But when your children are young, they’ll often experience your life outside the home as in competition with them, so it promotes more of that family bonding you’re after to focus your ‘looking forward to’s’ on your family life.
8. Announcements at the very end are a good way to reenter life as usual, to remind everyone of upcoming appointments, trips, and rides needed, and to keep the household running smoothly. But don’t let this overwhelm all the good feelings you’ve created; defer logistical discussions that require real work.
9. Close the meeting with a big group hug and your family motto. For the under-five set, resist the impulse to do much business at family meetings; you want them to be short and rewarding. For primary school pupils, it helps to add an incentive for them to do the hard work of problem-solving: a special dessert, a special game afterwards. And don’t be surprised if they appropriate the meeting to explain that you’re embarrassing them in front of their friends, or that they need a raise in their pocket money!