Chapter Nine
COMMON MISTAKES AND HELPFUL HINTS
At this point you are probably asking yourself, This is a lot of information about flirting styles, switches and flirtatious cues. What I really want to know is how I can use that information to get the results I’m looking for. How am I going to win over my crush? Welcome to Chapter 9, which is dedicated to showing you how to make your flirting style work for you. Here you’ll find out where each flirting style typically goes wrong and what you can do to improve your chances.
This chapter is laid out like a night on the town or hanging out with friends. We’ll start at your home turf. Where you look for love is one of the most important decisions you’ll make. After considering your best route to romance, I’ll tell you what sort of people will find your flirting style most appealing. Research shows that you benefit the most when your flirting style matches up with the flirting style of your crush. Then, I’ll give you some conversation pointers and helpful hints, including how to detect another person’s flirting style, how to proceed if things are going well and how to bow out gracefully if they aren’t. By the end of this chapter, you’ll have all the information you need to communicate your own interest clearly and determine whether or not your crush is attracted to you, too.
RETURN TO HOME TURF
In Chapter 1, “The Five Flirting Styles,” I explained the three pathways to romance: the Hookup, the First Date and the Known Quantity. Throughout this book, I wanted to impress upon you that there is more than one way to start a relationship. To build on this idea, rather than seeking love in a place totally unsuited to your style of flirting, you can look for love in the place you have the best chance of meeting someone who shares and prefers your style of flirting—like having a home field advantage. If you prefer relaxed conversation to dancing at a crowded club, maybe a dinner party or even a coffee shop in the afternoon would be a better venue for you to flirt. Do yourself a favor and seek out love wherever you feel most comfortable—the place that best suits your flirting style.
HOW DOES THIS WORK?
The hookup pathway thrives at bars, clubs and parties. You know the environment is set for a hookup when the place is hyper-social, the music is pumping, people are dressed to impress and alcohol is abundant.
WHAT STYLES DO IT WELL?
The Physical and the Playful flirting styles do this best. They are very comfortable directly communicating their romantic interest and using strategies that work at bars and parties, like playing games or teasing. From time to time, Traditional flirts go the hookup route, especially if they’re at a club or in a classy atmosphere. The Traditional flirt’s pathway to romance can either be a fairy-tale (white knight and princess) romance or the slow-go approach. If you start at the club and are a Traditional flirt, then you are probably looking for a fairy-tale romance, especially if you are a Traditional man.
COMMON CHALLENGES
Unless you are a Playful or Physical guy, it might be extremely painful to get up the nerve to approach women at a bar or club. The same goes for women. Men in this atmosphere are too assertive or forward for your tastes. One thing to keep in mind is that if your flirting style doesn’t match this environment, it might be best just to avoid it. If you find yourself in such a place, don’t bother trying to pick up someone–it isn’t your scene. You can do better elsewhere.
In this atmosphere, you need to flip your switch on, if it isn’t on already. Remember this: when men approach women at a bar, the guy is flirting—plain and simple. You need to adjust your internal compass to start picking up on it, accepting that interest, and—if you are interested, too—reciprocating it. Playing nice with others gets you bonus points.
RELATIONSHIP EXPECTATIONS
One final thing about starting romance on the hookup path—it probably is unlikely to end in a long-term relationship. Hookups at a bar only end up leading to a serious relationship about 12 percent of the time, and very few respondents to the FSI Survey met their last partner at a bar or club. The other 88 percent of the time, these relationships are just a one-night thing, not a long-term thing. If this is what you want and your flirting style fits the bill, then happy hunting!
If You Prefer the Known Quantity
HOW DOES THIS WORK?
The known quantity pathway happens any time that you are romantically interested in someone you already know. This includes potential partners from school, work or someone in your group of friends. Because it is someone you already know, you are well past the get-to-know-you conversations. You have a different challenge—how to take it to the next level.
Polite flirts are very comfortable in this domain, particularly if they are approaching someone they met at their place of worship. This complements their respectful and rule-governed way of doing things. Traditional flirts are also on this pathway if they are on the slow-go approach to romance (think Pride and Prejudice). Sincere flirts are also quite familiar with this route because they are usually stuck in the friend zone, trying to convert a close friendship into something more intimate.
COMMON CHALLENGES
Unlike the bar or club scene, the challenge here isn’t approaching your crush or picking out a person with potential. You have already done that. (Kudos! Picking someone with potential isn’t easy.) The known quantity route requires a different set of strategies. Just because some move works in a bar does not mean it will go over well in everyday life. Remember Noah from the Polite chapter, who tried to use a pickup line on a friend he was interested in? She wanted nothing to do with it. The challenge of the known quantity is making your crush notice that you want something more than a friendship. (I include strategies for determining if your friend shares your interest and what to do about it in a bonus chapter, called “The Friend Zone” that can be found on my website at www.FlirtingStyles.com.)
ADJUST YOUR SWITCH
If you are already on this path, you probably haven’t made your move yet. Maybe you weren’t even sure you were interested until now. I’m guessing that your switch is off most of the time. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing—it is probably what allowed you to get to know your potential crush in a safe and nonthreatening way to begin with. But, now you need to get switched on to start communicating your attraction more clearly, and you need to start looking for and accepting cues that she is interested in you, too. This will help your crush get the message that you are interested in romance, not just friendship. Check out suggestions for how to get switched on in Chapter 7, “The Switch.”
If You Prefer the First Date
HOW DOES THIS WORK?
The first date route can take many forms—maybe you finally got up the nerve to ask out an attractive coworker, met someone online and are meeting face-to-face for the first time, or met someone at a bar and then asked her out on a date. However you got here, you are now going to meet face-to-face and sit down to talk for a while on a real, live date.
WHAT STYLES DO IT WELL?
As I mentioned in Chapter 5, the Sincere style loves the first date. The whole purpose of a first date is to do things a Sincere flirt does well—talk, get to know each other, share and learn. If you first met your date through the internet, you also might feel less apprehensive getting to know him better face-to-face because you have already had a more formal online conversation with extra time to peruse his profile for clues to his personality and preferences. The first date is a very good place to be for the Polite or Traditional flirt.
COMMON CHALLENGES
Later in this chapter I offer seven helpful hints for having a good conversation with someone you are interested in romantically. All these apply to the first date pathway. One of the advantages of the first date route is that it is pretty clear why you are there: you both are interested in learning more about the potential of a romantic relationship and whether or not each feels some sexual chemistry, too. Getting to the first date stage is exceptionally valuable for Sincere and Polite flirts, whose crushes may not always realize that they’re interested in anything more than friendship. For Physical and Playful styles, the challenges are different. Physical and Playful flirts have to slow things down and meet their crush halfway. They’ve got to adjust their switch down a notch or two so as not to come on too strong.
ADJUST YOUR SWITCH
For the Playful style, particularly, if you are on a date, it may be tough to focus on and flirt with your date, letting go of the possibility that there might be exciting potential elsewhere. This is especially important when it comes to keeping your attention on your date, not on anybody else who happens to be around—waiters and hostesses included. It also might be necessary to tone down any of the flirting strategies that are so useful at a bar, like being a bit dismissive, coy, playing games or being overly sarcastic. You don’t have to flip your switch on for a date. You need to adjust your switch to keep your attentions focused on your date.
UNCOMMON BUT GOOD PLACES
TO MEET SOMEONEThere are many possible places to meet someone that are off the radar. Here are a few for you to consider:
• Ask your friends. One of the best ways to approach someone is to be introduced by a mutual friend. I’m not recommending blind dates, per se, but an introduction through a friend helps to get the conversation started. It also offers you a source of follow-up information, if you want to get your date’s number or find out more about him. Traditional flirts (because they have few cross-sex friends) and Playful flirts (because they don’t use friendship as a path to romance) might not benefit from this approach, but this will be a great way to go for the Polite, Sincere and Physical styles.
• Classroom. Students can tap into the potential of meeting people in their classes. This can work for any flirting style. Try talking to prospective dates before or after class and seeing if they’d like to study with you for the next exam. This is a great way to switch contexts and get to know each other better.
• Coffee shops. These are somewhat intimate places where people can get to know each other quite well. There is not a lot of distraction, so be prepared to have something to say and know how to make your exit if your date is involved or not interested. A lot of coffee shops have large tables where people can work and read. Try to sit near someone who is cute and strike up a conversation if she notices (and doesn’t seem to mind) your being there. Try to be direct and friendly by introducing yourself and trying to get to know her. If you have a favorite place to go, check out if anyone else goes there often; she just might be there because of you! This is a great place for the Polite or Sincere flirting styles because the atmosphere fits their flirting style and there’s potential depth to the conversation.
BE NATURAL AND DO WHAT YOU DO WELL
The one thing I really want to stress about flirting and dating is for you to be comfortable doing what you already do well. If you aren’t good at certain things, focus on the things and places where you are at your best. It is a lot harder to change your flirting style than to use the one you have to your advantage. Take my advice as it works for you. For example, if you are a female Traditional flirt, you believe that men should approach women first. Let’s face it: you aren’t going to be the one to make the first approach, so you will want to pass on my advice to use pickup lines or be more direct. Part of my reason for writing this book is to help you better understand your natural flirting style so that you can feel more comfortable with it and flirt effortlessly, rather than consciously. This will come off as much more genuine and be more effective overall.
RESEARCH SAYS
For some people, attraction just clicks. It is rapid and intense. There is no use trying to make it happen; just accept it if it does.
WHOM TO APPROACH
This only applies to situations where you have never met your new love interest before, not when you know the person, as in the known quantity path. But if you are trying to pick up a stranger in a bar, you need to know whom to flirt with (and whom not to).
For Men
The best suggestion for men is to be receptive to women’s nonverbal cues before you try to start up a conversation. One of the best signs that a woman wants to be approached is that she will initiate eye contact at least once and likely more than once. Keep your eyes open and approach when you are invited! Look outward to show that you are also open to a new conversation.
For Women
Guys who sit with an open posture—arms spread out in the booth—scanning the room and barely looking at the friends they came with are the ones most open to talking to someone new at a bar. To get a certain guy to approach you, the above advice applies—eye contact is a great way to get things started. Failing that, walking within his visual gaze or moving into his territory so that he accidentally bumps into you are good strategies, too.
WHY SIMILARITY IN STYLE MATTERS
Whether you are a man or a woman, you are probably wondering, Who is going to find my flirting style appealing? When it comes to flirting styles, do opposites attract or do birds of a feather flock together? It turns out that similarity matters most. We want a partner who communicates attraction the same way we do. No particular flirting style is most attractive or best for everyone: it is the match that counts.
What style do you want?
In the FSI Survey, I asked daters what style of communication they found attractive when first meeting someone and what types of flirting strategies they preferred. Their answers allowed me to determine whether a person’s own flirting style matched their flirting preferences. Here’s what I found out.
I WANT A PARTNER WITH A PHYSICAL FLIRTING STYLE IF…
I am a Physical or a Sincere flirt. If you are a Physical flirt, you are particularly attractive to other Physical flirts. However, Sincere flirts also tend to find you appealing, probably because they are open to more complementary partners and seek out physical chemistry when flirting. On the other hand, Polite and Traditional flirts aren’t interested in Physical flirts. They find a Physical style a bit too aggressive. Additionally, the Physical style is most attractive to people who are open to having sex outside the confines of a long-term relationship. This is consistent with the idea that a direct style of communicating attraction clearly communicates openness to physical intimacy. (It also reinforces the whole sex on the brain thing from Chapter 2, “The Physical Style.”)
I WANT A PARTNER WITH A POLITE FLIRTING STYLE IF…
I am a Polite or a Traditional flirt. This may be pretty obvious, but it is really important to say: being a Polite flirt is very appealing and attractive to people who share your style of flirting. Sometimes people with a Polite style might doubt that their way of communicating attraction is desirable. When you share a style with someone, you feel more attracted to him. Finally, whatever your own particular flirting style, women prefer men who are hands-off and well-mannered, or polite. Not only is there nothing wrong with a less assertive style, it can make all the difference in building romance with a Polite woman. This is also a good thing because Polite flirts, even if they take a lot of time to get there, really value long-term and stable romantic relationships.
I WANT A PARTNER WITH A PLAYFUL FLIRTING STYLE IF…
I am a Playful flirt, too. Playful flirts are truly birds of a feather in matters of love—they enjoy teasing, joking, competing and playing games with each other. On the other hand, if you are a Polite flirt, you don’t want a Playful partner. Listen up, Playful style! Your way of doing things might be a turnoff for more conventional and rule-governed partners, so they probably aren’t your best choice. Interestingly, Physical flirts don’t find Playful flirts particularly appealing, either. Physical flirts want to experience that heady and exciting feeling of falling for someone. They don’t want to be confused by someone who is flirting just for fun. Playful flirts are enjoying the boost of self-esteem, but Physical flirts are on a romantic mission. Finally, no matter what their flirting style, men love Playful women. They find the Playful style of communicating romance sexy and exciting.
I WANT A PARTNER WITH A SINCERE FLIRTING STYLE IF…
I am a Sincere flirt, but not a Physical or Polite flirt. A Sincere flirt is likely to forge a deep emotional connection with other Sincere flirts. However, I was surprised to find out that Sincere flirts are not particularly attractive to people who communicate attraction directly and assertively or just the opposite–in a cautious and mannered way. Why? Physical flirts may find the talking and deep conversation unappealing and a little confusing—is she really interested in me or is she trying to be friends? They might also find this type of conversation inappropriate or boring. Polite flirts may feel that a strong emotional connection is premature or too revealing. Finally, there is one more group of people who find the Sincere style more attractive: women. Men, take heed!
I WANT A PARTNER WITH A TRADITIONAL FLIRTING STYLE IF…
I am a Polite flirt. Polite flirts are very comfortable with more old-fashioned approaches to romance. By comparison, Playful flirts don’t dig Traditional flirts. In addition, women really like Traditional men—much more than men like Traditional women. Men who do want a more Traditional woman have personalities that are conservative and cautious, just like their flirting style. Simply put, a Traditional worldview matches up with Traditional courtship.
WHAT STYLE IS BEST FOR ME?
| IF YOU ARE A… | YOU WILL APPEAL TO… |
| Physical flirt | Physical flirts. Sincere flirts. |
| Polite flirt | Polite flirts. Traditional flirts. Women. |
| Playful flirt | Playful flirts. Men. |
| Sincere flirt | Sincere flirts. Women. |
| Traditional flirt | Polite flirts. Women. |
REJECTION IS THE ONLY WAY TO GET RESULTS
Unfortunately, even if we have read the signals carefully and chosen our approach wisely, we all get rejected at some point. You must keep trying. In fact, just getting accustomed to walking up to and talking to a member of the opposite sex is a step in the right direction, especially if you are a Polite or Traditional flirt. It is important not to be afraid to put yourself out there. Being open and direct shows that you like someone enough to be willing to be rejected, and people generally find this very flattering. Whatever your style, you are going to have to take some risks to find love. While I cannot guarantee that you will find the person you’re looking for by taking risks, I can guarantee that you won’t find anyone if you take no risks whatsoever.
RESEARCH SAYS
Becoming more comfortable with flirting takes some trial and error. You can get better at asking someone out; a little practice goes a long way.
HOW TO HAVE A GOOD CONVERSATION
Let’s say you started the conversation. Now what? Here are seven goals to guide your conversation. Each one describes the goal of the conversation. Some of these goals are about how you present yourself and others are about how you want to make your new crush feel. To get started, let me give you a metaphor about flirting through conversation.
Badminton Lobs Back and Forth: Reciprocity
When I was a kid, sometimes my brothers and I would play badminton in the summertime. Each time you smacked the birdie, it floated swiftly into the air and slowly came back down again. As long as it wasn’t an overhead slam, the game kept going by lobbing the birdie up, watching it fall and then watching the other person lobbing it up again.
When you are flirting with someone, the conversation is like badminton. Your goal is to keep the conversation going by lobbing up comments, compliments, stories and questions. If your conversation partner is interested, she will hit it back your way. If the conversation drops to the floor, you’ve got to pick it up again. If you slam your partner with something—either a move that is too forward, a compliment that is too sexual or attention that is too straightforward—you drive the conversation into the ground. Sometimes a little quick shot, like a joke or a compliment, can be met with a quick, playful return. Either way, being lobbed to and then back again is the excitement of flirting. Like badminton, you must reciprocate flirting, each time only slightly intensifying the volley.
I was at a bar recently watching people interact (one of my favorite pastimes). I watched a guy approach a woman at the bar and buy her a drink. Throughout the night, they slowly drifted closer together, each coming nearer inch by inch, but always waiting until a move was reciprocated. Then they touched for the first time. He touched her arm near her hand. A minute later, she touched his shoulder. When she got up, she brushed up against him. Neither said, “Excuse me,” or backed away. They had another drink and within the hour, they were in each other’s personal space. Each move was part of a graceful game. Each signaled to the other that they were quite comfortable playing and wanted it to continue. Show interest, talk and laugh, make minor contact and so on—enjoy the game as it progresses, but don’t rush the conclusion. Don’t take too many turns without a returned comment or question. If the conversation lags, start a new one. If your partner doesn’t want to play, let her go. There are other players to strike up a game with.
Seven Goals for Conversation
Here is some advice to play so you both win.
1. Flirting is about making a connection, but that connection can come in many forms. Physical flirts feel immediate physical chemistry, while Sincere flirts look for an emotional connection. Polite flirts privilege showing respect and kindness, and Playful flirts connect through teasing or sarcastic banter. Flirting is about making a connection. When your flirting styles match, trust that whatever connection you want to make, your partner wants to make, too. Our biggest fear when flirting is that the other person won’t find us attractive, but being attractive is only one part of it. Flirting is about connecting in a way that means something to you. If you are a Polite or Sincere flirt, think of your crush as someone who could be your friend. It’s much easier for you to make a friend than it is to make someone fall in love with you. Besides, chemistry is likely to come later anyway.
2. Talk for the next time. Your goal is to have an enjoyable conversation with the possibility of romantic potential if you meet again. Whether in a bar, at the office, in a classroom or with a platonic friend you secretly like, be someone your partner would like to talk to again. No matter how long or short the conversation and no matter where it takes place, you should talk with the understanding that you will have another chance with her. By keeping focused on this next time, you will not be under the illusion that this is your one and only chance. Being too worried about making it perfect the first time is only likely to rush things unnecessarily or create anxiety. Assume that there will be a next time, because that is what it means to be successful.
3. Be genuinely interested. If you take genuine interest in someone, he can sense it. Spending too much time talking about yourself or not paying attention to what he is saying will spoil your chance of getting to know him. Each of us wants to feel that we are interesting. Convey that interest by treating him as if he were the only one in the room—no matter who you are or where that room may be.
4. Get her talking. If a guy can ask good questions and get a woman talking, it shows that he is interested, that he is a good listener and that he wants to learn more about her. Do not be so self-focused as to be perceived as uninterested. Ruling the conversation is rarely an effective way of communicating that you are interested in anyone except yourself. In fact, a guy talking too much is a good indication that the woman he is talking to isn’t interested! This goal applies to women, too. Do not forget that guys are also flattered when they are asked to talk about themselves.
5. Make him feel wanted. When flirting, it is a good idea to make your crush feel attractive and desirable. However, this has an added benefit: it makes your crush want you in return. Feeling that someone is interested in you is a turn-on. For some flirting styles, this is a difficult thing to do. If your switch is generally off, this is going to require flipping your switch on. A little dose of sexuality in your interaction, even if it is only in your head, will help to communicate your attraction and help get that feeling coming back your way. And if your switch is on, you’ll be able to pick up on his attraction, too!
6. Laugh. Laughter is a great way to build chemistry. Displaying a good sense of humor is “the single most effective tactic men use to attract women.” There are many reasons laughter works: it makes people feel united and on the same team. Laughing says you share similar ideas about what is funny, and you share values and beliefs, too. It shows empathy and the ability to take another person’s perspective. Being able to make and get jokes may be a sign of intelligence, too. This goal should be very comfortable for most flirting styles, particularly Playful and Sincere flirts. However, Polite flirts may need to let their guard down a little and laugh—I promise it will make everyone feel more relaxed.
7. At some point, frame your conversation as flirting. This advice is for those who are pursuing the known quantity route, especially those who are friends first. Friendship requires treating someone you like as an equal or as someone you respect. When flirting, many people (women especially) are unaccustomed to being treated this way by men who are interested. At some point, you must frame the interaction as flirting. Draw her attention to your attraction through compliments, questions and requests for future contact. Compliments, especially about dress or appearance, can be a bit forward for certain flirting styles, like Polite and Traditional, but are clear ways to show interest in something more. Asking whether she is involved is another way. This is widely interpreted as indicative of wanting something besides friendship. Finally, even if the interaction is brief, ask for her contact information, so you can see her again (or, at least, be able to make her your Facebook friend). This helps to show that you are looking to get to know her better, and it is also a subtle type of compliment.
FOR TRADITIONAL WOMEN, “FLIRT TO CONVERT”
Because none of these conversational goals is obviously flirting, hopefully many Polite and Traditional flirts can feel a lot more comfortable about what it means to flirt. Using these goals, a Traditional woman might find it easier to keep a conversation going with a guy. If you get a clear sign that he is into you, then flirt by hinting around, essentially encouraging him to keep approaching. If the man does not respond to a woman’s hints and flirtation, then he may be a Polite or Traditional flirt. This doesn’t mean that he isn’t interested; it just means that a chivalrous and fast-paced romance isn’t happening—you are on the slower route. You’ve got to keep trying to convert his relational frame toward romance by reminding him that there is something else going on. For particularly Traditional guys, this may take some time. These men need some extra attention to convey that you are open to his attentions.
SINCERE FLIRTS, DON’T GET TOO DEEP; PLAYFUL FLIRTS, SHOW SOME DEPTH
Sincere flirts need to be aware that there is a time and place for a deep conversation—and the bar isn’t it. Take a cue from Playful flirts and remember that having fun, laughing and joking, and keeping it light may be the best things to do when you first meet someone. Save the conversation for your first date. Playful flirts run into the opposite problem. This constant levity and focus on trying to get something out of flirting conveys the message that the Playful flirt has little interest in romance. If you are talking with someone you believe has relationship potential, you have to take a cue from the Sincere flirt and be more honest and personal at some point.
When it comes to flirting, we want to be able to be honest and true to ourselves, but we also want to be liked. However, we aren’t always honest because we are afraid of being rejected, and without being honest, we may not be liked for who we really are. If you think of flirting as a slow escalation of attention, attraction, disclosure and contact, then it isn’t an all-or-nothing thing. Instead, serve up attention that is honest and true to your flirting style and look for a return. If you like what you see in another person, always reciprocate; don’t make your crush do all the work! Rather than trying to have your cake and eat it, too, share your cake, one little bite at a time.
Is there a better way to tell if someone is interested?
While some people are much better at judging whether someone is flirting than others and some people are more readable than others, in general people just aren’t very good at accurately judging whether someone is flirting or just being nice. What can you do about this? I had several recommendations in Chapter 8, “Perceptions and Misperceptions,” to improve your accuracy and deliver a clear message. Below is a quick list of what to look for by flirting style.
IS YOUR CRUSH INTERESTED?
• A Playful flirt is flirting when he seems to be totally into you, but then suddenly disappears.
• A Playful flirt is not flirting for romantic reasons, unless you know her well enough to tell that she is interacting with you in an uncharacteristic way.
• A Physical flirt is flirting when he displays sexual interest like a LED sign: buying drinks, dropping lines, showing off his body and dance moves, and escalating physically.
• A Physical flirt is not flirting when she doesn’t feel physical chemistry. You only get this kind of attention from her when she is truly interested and attracted.
• A Sincere flirt is flirting when he wants to get to know you and connect emotionally, no matter where you meet.
• A Sincere flirt is not flirting through small talk or chitchat or through physical contact and touches. Although she likes to be given compliments and is open to more forward flirting, she probably won’t be the one initiating it.
• A Traditional flirt is flirting when he does everything first and she waits for his lead.
• A Traditional flirt is not flirting when a woman is in control or both are equally taking charge.
• A Polite flirt is flirting when he respects your boundaries, is attentive and respectful, but is utterly nonsexual.
• A Polite flirt is not flirting when she’s in a relationship, when she’s not romantically interested or she’s not physically attracted. If a Polite flirt is flirting with you in an obvious way, she really means it.
ENDING THE CONVERSATION
There are two reasons to end your flirting attempts: it isn’t going anywhere or it is going well but for some reason beyond your control the conversation has to end (for instance, her friends are leaving). Here’s some advice for knowing when to end things and how to handle it.
Know When to Call It Quits
The cold, hard truth is that some people are going to be unreceptive for whatever reason and it’s best to just move on. You’ve got to know when enough is enough.
How do you know when it’s over? You have to trust your gut. In Chapter 8, “Perceptions and Misperceptions,” I gave you some nonverbal behaviors to look for. I’ve also given you a list of clues that someone is one type of flirt or another and some clear verbal indications that someone is interested. But, at some level, you just have to get a feel for how the other person is responding to you, even if you don’t know how or why you’ve come to that conclusion. If you conclude that he isn’t interested, you need to follow that instinct and let go.
FOR GUYS, KNOW WHEN TO QUIT
Women do not like a guy who constantly pressures her to try to get her to talk, dance or drink. There is a point where you should be able to recognize when a woman is blatantly ignoring you or not responding to your attempts at conversation. Many times guys look only for negative signs and assume that if she doesn’t leave or actively reject him, she is responding positively. However, this is rarely the case. Guys are overly optimistic when there are no clear signs of rejection. A lack of positive feedback should also give an equally clear message that she isn’t interested.
FOR WOMEN, COMMUNICATE YOUR LACK OF INTEREST CLEARLY
When women don’t like what men are saying, they are more likely to show it than say it. When she is unhappy, her body language (crossed arms, a sudden interest in anything other than what you have to say) will let you know before her words will. However, a lot of women are very concerned about looking or being nice. This will only confuse an aggressive guy. He cannot distinguish her niceness from flirting. Guys are also prone to wishful thinking; one of the most consistent research findings is that men overestimate a woman’s flirtatiousness. If you aren’t into him, you may have to be blunt. If you do not feel comfortable doing something with him, such as dancing, be firm verbally and nonverbally with him. If you give him mixed signals, he will only become confused.
Ending a Conversation, But Planning to Meet Again
Very few first-time interactions result in sex or love. Instead, you have got to meet again (and again and again). This means that you want to end your first interaction in a way that indicates you want to do it again.
One thing to keep in mind is that if you feel that the conversation went well, there is good reason to believe that it did. Trust your gut. If you are on your home turf, there are lots of reasons to believe that your gut is telling you the truth. If you decide not to ask for her digits, make that decision because you don’t want to talk with her again, not because you’re worried she doesn’t feel the same way. You have to take risks and, all things considered, this is a pretty safe risk.
ASK FOR YOUR DATE’S NUMBER
If you ask for your crush’s number, there is a good chance that she will give it to you. My research puts your odds around 40 percent if you are male and around 65 percent if you are female, which echoes research from speed-dating contexts. Asking for her number lets her know that you’re interested in seeing her again, too. Failing to ask for her number is a good sign that you aren’t interested or just want to be friends.
RESEARCH SAYS
According to speed-dating studies, women are chosen for dates by about half of men they meet while speed dating, and men are chosen for dates by one-third of women they meet during a speed-dating event.
SAY IT
If you are interested in getting to know him better, then say it. This is particularly tricky for Sincere and Polite flirts because they don’t communicate romantic interest as clearly as other styles. Remember the frame from Chapter 7, “The Switch”? Conventional get-to-know-you conversations may frame the interaction as friendship instead of romance. This means it is hard to escalate a relationship beyond friendship. Being complimentary or direct in stating your interest will increase the chance that your motives will be interpreted as sexual or romantic. Simply saying, “I had a great time talking with you, and I would like to see you again sometime soon. Can I get your number?” is direct and effective, yet still Polite and Sincere.
ASK AROUND
If you know your crush’s friends, they can make a huge difference in propelling a relationship to another level, especially if your mutual friend is a woman. Women like to play matchmaker and are better at it than men are. Let’s say you failed to get across the message that you were interested the first time around or are wondering if your crush felt the same way. By asking about your crush through friends, you can get her contact information or find out whether the attraction was mutual. This can help out tremendously. But be forewarned: the mutual friend needs to think you are a good catch for this to work. Otherwise, she might stop your progress cold.
THE SCENARIO: YOU WANT TO SEND A FLIRTY ONLINE DATING MESSAGE
The emerging world of online dating has introduced a whole new set of challenges when flirting. Online dating messages must strike a balance between playfulness and formality and that first online message is critical. Here are some dos and don’ts that apply to everyone, no matter what your flirting style.
Do spend time reviewing his profile carefully. Once you see something that catches your interest, make sure you draw attention to things the two of you honestly share or both really care about. Don’t exaggerate or fake interest in something. That’s a path to dating disappointment. A thoughtful message that refers back to his profile lets him know that you took the time to read it and are genuinely interested.
Don’t use too many text-messaging conventions like emoticons and shorthand. These tend to come off very poorly when people don’t have much else to go on except that single online message. A well-used ; ) is good, but too much LMAO will get you no response. While you’re at it, spell-check and edit carefully. Don’t get written off because you look like you didn’t take the time to even bother rereading what you wrote before pushing send.
Do be flirty by suggesting what the two of you might enjoy doing together someday. Show a sense of humor and a sense of fun about yourself and what you care about. Flirting in a way that makes sense to you and your own flirting style will help send the right message. Don’t spend too much time talking about yourself. Avoid too many “I” statements about how special you are and focus on what the two of you might share instead. Express your interest in her, not in yourself.
Don’t reuse the same message for each person. Each message needs to be personal and real. Be careful that you don’t come off as so formal or impersonal that the real you is utterly hidden. Form letters are best saved for the rejection pile, not for the acceptance one.