No rational person plans to be physically abusive. No one plans to be a victim of physical abuse.
Yet you may find yourself in a relationship where verbal aggression and other inappropriate faces of anger have begun to evolve into more serious forms of physical touch.
How has this happened? Why does your partner get so angry? What has brought threats, unwanted physical touch, or even violence into your relationship?
It’s beyond the scope of this book to discuss the pathways that lead some people to become violent or to accept a violent partner. Why a partner is violent can be addressed best by a mental health professional who can evaluate the situation in light of the current research into personality development.
Yet you may find yourself so invested in understanding why your partner is this angry that your own needs to feel safe, calm, and secure in a predictable relationship have fallen by the wayside. When was the last time you asked yourself what living with someone who may make you feel physically threatened is costing you emotionally, in self-esteem, and in personal safety?
If your relationship has developed into threats, physical touch, and even violence, it is past time to act. Do whatever it takes to ensure your safety and the quality of your life. If you can do so by making changes that preserve your relationship, that may be the best outcome. Reading this book shows that you wish to restore your most important relationship to something that feels calm and loving. Yet sometimes it is essential to separate for your safety and to preserve any possibility of resolving the anger and underlying issues that pull you apart. Or you may have chosen a partner who is incapable of change and you are forced to make separation permanent. These issues are tough to address and require more careful consideration than is often found in the misguided advice that many people in your position receive from well-meaning family, friends, and even some professionals:
“If he touches you, you must immediately end the relationship.”
“Abusers never change. If you are abused, your only option is to leave.”
“You must stick it out no matter what. All couples go through tough times. It will get better.”
“I’m sure he/she is just under a lot of stress/pressure. You have to be understanding and try to keep things calm. Just try to avoid him/her when mad.”
When you’re in the thick of it, it’s often hard to see how low levels of aggression, perhaps beginning with verbal slings and angry retorts, can be the beginning point of a journey that no one signed on for and along which someone gets hurt. All relationship violence begins with conflict. At first it may not seem scary at all, and its road signs may be overlooked or explained away as unimportant squabbles or explainable intense exchanges. Even if your partner’s aggression is strictly verbal at this time, it’s important to learn to read the signposts on the way to violence and understand what you can do to derail the engine that’s taking you on this unwanted trip. If you’re already heading into this dangerous territory, it’s critical that you learn when and how to communicate this firm and unyielding boundary:
Any physical touch in anger is unacceptable, no matter who initiates it, what the rationalization or reason, or how it is expressed, other than self-defense.
Whether aggression can be resolved depends largely on the extent to which your partner understands he or she is wrong and wants to change. Scientists who have studied relationship aggression don’t view all aggressive persons as having the same backgrounds or characteristics. Summarizing across this research, aggressive people seem to fall into two basic categories. One type of aggressor can’t effectively identify or regulate anger arousal and may also have poor coping skills for expressing anger. If this is your partner, he or she may feel all the standard physiological sensations of increased heart rate, muscle tension, and sensory awareness, but can’t seem to derail this cascade of events. Researchers P. H. Neidig and D. H. Friedman have called these individuals “expressively aggressive,” meaning that their expression of anger is not well regulated and they need to learn emotional, self-control, and anger management strategies. As shown in the sidebar on the next page, the prognosis for making changes is good when these people seek counseling because they’re capable of sincere remorse and typically don’t have more severe personality dysfunction.
Quite different in intent and much less amenable to change is the partner who displays instrumental aggression, which arises from more deep-seated personality dysfunction. The instrumentally aggressive partner wants to be in control and to intimidate his partner to get what he wants. Aggression is a means to an end, and this person may turn “anger” on and off quickly based on what is called for. In other words, the instrumentally aggressive person uses aggression to intimidate and may not experience high levels of arousal.
It’s crucial to know whether your partner exhibits signs of this malignant form of aggression:
• Does your partner use anger to exert power? If so, he or she may not lose control of arousal.
• Your partner may apologize or try to atone for violence with gifts or kind acts while still having little internal understanding of the impact of his or her actions and little remorse that eliminates or reduces future aggression. Thus aggressive behavior is repeated again and again, with a cycle of apologies and pleas for forgiveness.
• Again, it’s beyond the scope of this book to explain a particular individual’s instrumental aggression, but this problem is usually the result of deep personality problems stemming from childhood abuse, neglect, or detachment from parent figures. This makes treatment difficult and behavior change unlikely without a full commitment to therapy. In some cases, change never occurs, and the instrumental aggressor has a series of intense, violent relationships with unfortunate partners who will be hurt repeatedly.
Those who are expressively aggressive:
are often highly emotionally aroused
express anger because they can’t control their arousal
gradually escalate their inappropriate expressions of anger
take responsibility for their anger actions and feel and express credible remorse, though the partner often accepts responsibility as well
have a better prognosis because they are highly motivated to change. Education and therapy can often help them alter the way they express anger by helping them learn emotional regulation and coping skills.
Those who are instrumentally aggressive:
use aggression to control and punish the other person, to achieve an objective that is probably not shared by the victim
often come from families filled with violence and neglect
become violent without any clear trigger
rapidly escalate their expressions of anger
show no credible remorse
often have serious personality traits like narcissism, borderline, or antisocial
play a fixed role of perpetrator to your fixed role of victim
have a much less positive prognosis since they have little motivation for counseling. They respond best to legal boundaries (e.g., threat of punishment).
If your partner seems to fit the instrumental aggression profile, seek counseling to help you decide whether this relationship is viable and what your options are. Unless your partner is motivated to seek intense counseling to address underlying personality problems, aggression is highly likely to continue. No matter what your partner does, you must set firm and unyielding boundaries that tolerate no acts of aggression and seek professional counseling for yourself right away.
In my practice I don’t work with those who feel no remorse or who hurt others for purely selfish reasons. I enthusiastically offer counseling, however, to those who have the potential for change and who sincerely feel remorse when they say and do aggressive things. In a twist on Rabbi Harold Kushner’s book When Bad Things Happen to Good People, I view people who fit the expressive aggression profile as fitting the designation “When Good People Do Bad Things.” And as you saw in the sidebar, the prognosis is good if your partner is among them and is motivated to change. Your partner may need to seek counseling to learn to better regulate emotions and expression of anger, or couple treatment may be in order if mutual escalation is occurring. Regardless, you will set new boundaries and make changes that improve the quality of your life in this relationship.
Assuming, then, that your partner’s aggression falls into the expressive category, you need to start making good decisions so you can divert your relationship off the path of violence and onto the path of resolution. As aggressive behavior proceeds from less to more intense, moving from intimidation to physical acting out of violence, there are certain kinds of behaviors you can observe that tell you where you are on this unpleasant journey. Where are you and how much farther are you willing to go before drawing a firm line in the sand of this relationship?
The first signs of potential physical abuse are threats of violence, whether implicit or boldly explicit. The aggressive partner threatens bodily harm. Is this just a ploy? Does he really mean it? It is important to take such threatening statements seriously, as they are abusive in themselves, even if the partner never follows through with the threatened actions. Other than being physically attacked, there is probably no event that elicits immediate fight-or-flight body arousal (in the form of fear) faster than when injury or death seems possible. This is why threats are intolerable at any level. Your most basic needs for safety and security (as discussed in Chapter 3) are undermined by threats, and they must not be permitted to continue.
Threats come in both subtle and overt packages. Have you been threatened in a way similar to any of these nonspecific, yet intimidating, statements?
“If you don’t shut up, I will shut you up!”
“[Glaring and moving closer] You had better do it or you will be very sorry.”
“[Shouting] I am so angry I’m going to lose it any minute!” “I will never let you do that—don’t push it!”
“[Standing up/towering over the partner] Don’t make me do something we will both regret!”
Each of these statements threatens you without ever stating outright what the harmful actions will be: Punching? Slapping? Pushing? Even though what is being threatened remains ambiguous, you immediately get the message: your safety is at risk.
In contrast are the overt, all-too-clear threats of specific acts of violence:
“I will shut your mouth for you with this” [raises fist].
“You will never get out of this room unless you admit that you caused this whole argument!”
“If you don’t shut your mouth, I will” [describes violent act]. “I could kill you, I’m so mad!”
Needless to say, any threat to your person should be taken very seriously, particularly if it describes exactly what your partner intends to do. But you probably don’t need to be told this. We are hardwired to react immediately to such threats with the adrenaline-fueled fight-or-flight response. While getting out of the situation and seeking safety is the sensible way to flee or withdraw, many victims of violent threats withdraw by acceding and submitting, behaviors that often only reinforce and encourage bullying/intimidating threat behavior. Many people naturally react to a partner’s threats by using all the diversionary tactics discussed in Chapter 2—editing, redirecting, rescheduling, and subjugating their own needs—to avoid any possibility of being hurt. In the process, the relationship can tilt to a dominant–submissive life pattern that ultimately exploits the “weak” partner.
How would you respond to such threats? Would you stop asking for your boundaries to be respected? Would you fear loss and pull back from expecting your needs be considered? It’s easy to say no, but threats can be very scary and immobilizing, particularly when you’ve built your life around a partnership that now seems on the verge of collapse.
Hunter and Charlotte often thought of themselves as a loving but intense couple. They were passionate in the way they approached their careers, spending long hours working to make partner in their respective law firms. They both described themselves as intense; hostility was their most common face of anger. Neither of them suffered fools well; both could be counted on to tell off the slow clerk, inefficient airline employee, or waiter who did not measure up to their standards for good service. While Hunter’s anger was expressed mostly with a loud voice and biting sarcasm, Charlotte’s anger started to go “beyond the pale” all too often. She would sometimes get within inches of Hunter’s face and scream at him at the top of her lungs, making it impossible for Hunter to move away from the situation without touching Charlotte, which he did not want to do in anger. Lately she had begun throwing whatever was close at hand at the wall or smashing things, often narrowly missing him. Sometimes she would threaten to damage something that was important to him, like a framed photo of him with his parents or a plaque he had been given for success at work.
Charlotte’s behavior was pushing Hunter to greater and greater heights of anger and frustration that he was barely able to contain. Hunter tried to back off and suggest they separate at such times, which only seemed to inflame the situation. He was afraid of what Charlotte might do and what he might do to her in response. He wanted the intensity to stop but found it hard to derail once an argument had begun.
Do you find yourself feeling intimidated when your partner does things like the following that seem to threaten you with harm yet you are not physically touched?
Getting so close to you when angry that you feel uncomfortable or intimidated
Yelling or screaming so loudly in your face that your ears ring
Standing in your path so you cannot exit the situation or leave the room/house
Throwing a punch in the air that almost hits you but misses, causing you to flinch or rear back in fear
Throwing or smashing things, particularly if objects are thrown in your direction
Sam and Lacey had three children, a lovely home, and a great life in a wonderful neighborhood. They seemed like the perfect couple to their friends and family. Yet there was a dark side to their relationship that only they knew about and tried to deny to themselves. Over the past year Sam had become increasingly aggressive when the two had a disagreement. He would curse in a loud voice and make disparaging remarks about Lacey as a wife and mother. Lacey tried to cope by avoiding any subject or situation that might set Sam off. Often her editing, redirecting, and apologizing tactics seemed to work as long as Sam was not too stressed and had no more than a few beers.
What was disconcerting were the all too frequent instances when Lacey could not seem to head Sam off from getting so angry that he frightened her. He had begun to call her names and use language to insult her that she never believed she would tolerate from anyone, yet she tried to calm him down or give in to his demands to keep the peace. He would sometimes get in her face and hold her arms so she could not leave to go to their bedroom to let him “chill out.” He would stand in front of her, pushing her back with his chest and body so that she sometimes felt that she was held “hostage” until he screamed out everything he wanted to say. Lacey felt demoralized, intimidated, and hopeless that this situation would get better.
Recently Sam had broken into the bathroom where Lacey had locked herself in to get away from his anger. He got in her face and would not let her leave until she “listened” to him. She cried and pleaded with him to let her leave, but he held on to her arms and blocked any movements, which made her feel even more frightened and disconsolate. When she told him how mean and abusive he was, Sam would retort that “I’ve never hit you! How can you call me an abuser? You’re the one who makes me so mad that I do these things.” Lacey felt powerless to respond to such defensive statements and had to admit he had never hit her. Also, these episodes “don’t occur all the time,” she rationalized. Why, then, was she so scared and at the end of her rope? She felt like a failure as a wife, a belief that was constantly confirmed by her husband’s contemptuous and mean statements to her.
Clearly Sam’s verbal abuse had grown into frequent use of physical tactics to hold, block, or restrain Lacey in ways she found abusive. Using physical force of any kind to attain a goal of getting the other to listen or making the other stay is intolerable at any level, no matter what the partner’s intention is (e.g., “I only want to get you to hear me out/to make things better”). Does your partner use any of these, tactics similar to Sam’s, to coerce you?
Holding on to your hands or arms to direct you to do something your partner desires
Hugging or holding in any way that is unwanted
Sitting or lying on top of you to restrain your movements
Blocking you from leaving or directing your movements by pushing, holding, chest blocking, or using any other restraint
Janice wondered how her marriage could have come to this low point. She couldn’t believe it, given how much she still loved her husband, Frank, and how good their relationship had once been. Janice had read numerous self-help books on “victims of abuse” and had spoken to her friends and pastor, all of whom told her she should leave Frank and get counseling for herself. But Janice said she still loved him and felt he was a good man who had serious anger problems. Frank had been an attentive husband and good provider who was tender and loving with their three teenaged children, except when he was irritated about something. He had begun to lose his temper more frequently over the past two years, which Janice felt had a lot to do with his losing his former job and having to work for less money and status. Frank had seemed very depressed and moody and was prone to drink alcohol to cope with his “stress” more frequently over this period. His anger would get the best of him with drivers, neighbors, and occasionally her and the children when he felt they were doing something purposely to upset him (e.g., making noise with loud music, failing to get homework done, asking him to help around the house when he was too tired).
When intensely angry, Frank would sometimes lose it and get in Janice’s face, screaming that he couldn’t take the stress anymore. She often asked him to see his physician or a therapist to get on a medication or get counseling to help him with his anger and mood. Frank refused help (“What do you think I am? Crazy? I’m just under a lot of pressure and I can handle it.”), yet continued to subject Janice to his rages. Lately he had begun to block her exit until she stood there and listened as he raged on. When she tried to leave, he would push her back or restrain her from moving. On a number of occasions Janice reported that Frank hit her with his open hand to “get her attention” and had kicked at her when she managed to slip by him to leave. Recently he had pushed her away from him, and she fell backward into a table, injuring her back, which was still sore from the blow. Immediately, Frank was solicitous and apologized repeatedly for his actions, blaming his behavior on being “too stressed” to think clearly. The yelling, threats, physical intimidation, and now the hitting had become too much for Janice to bear. This pattern of physical violence followed by apology and attempts at atonement is all too common among partners who are physically abusive and must be stopped immediately.
Does your partner show any of these behaviors of physical violence? How have you coped so far, and how has it worked for you?
Pushes you with an open hand or body (e.g., bumps you aside with his hip, pushes you forward when you are walking “too slowly”)
Slaps you with an open hand while protesting that he/she has never hit you with a fist
Punches you with closed fist
Pushes you down or trips you
Touches you in any way that hurts (e.g., pinching, hair pulling, poking with finger)
Threatens or acts aggressively with any weapon or object that could injure (a knife, fork, bottle, tool, gun, etc.)
Apologizes and asks for forgiveness (“Will never do it again”) yet will not get help for his/her anger
In Chapters 6–8 you’ve read about what is essentially a continuum of overt inappropriate faces of anger, from hostility all the way through physical violence. You could view you and your partner as climbing (reluctantly, at least on your part) a ladder that could ultimately end in life-threatening abuse. Much research shows that physical violence often begins with contemptuous verbal statements and actions like sarcasm and nasty comments about personal characteristics. In fact, if your partner is verbally aggressive, the likelihood of later physical violence is much increased. I believe that when verbal aggression is permitted to occur it is like a threshold has been crossed. Accepting some early forms of verbal abuse may communicate to your partner that this behavior is acceptable and opens the door to more of the same or worse as anger actions progress from the verbal to the physical.
It’s time to take a close look at where you are on the slippery slope of anger and what you want to do about it. First take a look at the ladder depicted on the next page. Then review the list of risk factors for violence to see how many of these are present in your partner. When you add up all this information, you’ll have a good idea of how urgent it is for you to take action right now. The rest of this chapter will then help you decide what actions to take, when, and how.
All of the behaviors on the ladder are poor ways of coping with and expressing anger. They are all inappropriate and likely to interfere with intimacy and effective communication.
As anger expression becomes more aggressive, whether verbal or physical, the quality of your life will likely deteriorate.
The more personally contemptuous of you your partner’s anger expression becomes, the greater likelihood that your confidence, self-esteem, and general emotional health will be affected adversely.
As your partner’s anger actions escalate into the physical threats and actions described in this chapter, the risk of your being injured increases.
Once any form of physical expression of anger is directed at you, including gestures without touching you (e.g., blocking your path, throwing things toward you), the likelihood of further physical abuse increases.
If you are in any way touched in anger, the risk of being hurt increases dramatically and your safety is threatened.
Much research has explored the personality, biological, and situational factors that increase the risk that a person will become violent. No one of these predicts violence, yet each has been associated with violence in the literature (Centers for Disease Control, 2008, Whitaker & Lutzker, 2009, O’Leary & Woodin, 2009). Be aware that the most important risk factor by far is a history of past violence during the person’s lifespan. If your partner has never been violent to you or others, then the likelihood of future risk is reduced greatly.
How many of the following are present in your partner?
Past violence to partner or in intimate relationships
Risk increases if violence is:
More severe or causes injury
Frequent
Planned or deliberate
Occurring in other nonrelationship situations
Emotional or verbal abuse in current or past relationships
Threats to harm self or others
Victim of physical or emotional abuse in childhood
Alcohol abuse or dependence; drug abuse
Certain mental/emotional disorders (if untreated):
Schizophrenia if accompanied by substance abuse
Paranoia/delusions that the person is being persecuted
Bipolar disorder
Severe personality disturbance or disorder that leads to instrumental expression of anger
Psychopathy
Attachment-type personality disorders: borderline, narcissistic, histrionic, antisocial, or paranoid
High levels of poorly regulated anger or hostility
Severe situational stress (e.g., job loss, financial stress)
Presence of weapons
Your partner might offer a variety of “reasons” for violent actions. Some may sound a bit legitimate, almost compelling. But don’t be fooled: abuse by any description is inexcusable.
Have you heard any excuses that sound like these?
“If you had just listened to me and stopped talking, this [the abuse] wouldn’t have happened.”
“I didn’t really mean to hit you; you just got in the way of my hand [fist, foot, flying object]. I was only trying to get your attention!”
“You must realize that this isn’t me doing this—it’s the incredible stress I’ve been under.”
“If you could just leave before I get so mad, it would keep this from happening.”
“I am so sorry. This is not me, and it won’t happen ever again!”
“You do it too. What about the time you pushed me aside to get out of the house?”
Notice that each of these excuses puts the blame for the abusive actions on you or something else. It is you who caused it by being unreasonable or just not leaving soon enough, or it’s “stress” and “not the real me” who is the culprit. These self-serving excuses are all aimed at trying to explain away an act that is intolerable under any circumstances other than for self-defense. Sadly, many partners try to believe these excuses and give their abusive partners chance after chance to reform.
If you find yourself buying into your partner’s excuses for violence, you may be reinforcing the very behavior that threatens your safety. The farther up the ladder you go, the more invasive the effects of inappropriate expressions of anger on you. And when it comes to verbal and physical aggression, perhaps it’s easier said than done, but I believe you should tolerate NONE. PERIOD! Where are you on the ladder?
Think about how you’re reacting to your partner’s behaviors that have put you somewhere on the ladder of escalating aggression. Review your RAP responses and Daily Log. How have you been responding to these behaviors up until now, and how has your approach seemed to impact your partner? Is aggression escalating?
Begin by identifying how you feel. Hunter had begun to feel increasingly anxious and worried that Charlotte’s angry gestures would spin out of control. He also felt humiliated that she so often bullied him into conforming to what she wanted with her anger tactics. He told me he would often give in just to achieve peace. His actions other than placating her included editing what he said and did around her to avoid inciting an argument, particularly when she was “stressed out.” Often he would redirect what he wanted to do or reschedule gatherings with friends and family if she gave him reason to believe she was not agreeable to the plans. While he said he wasn’t afraid he’d be injured (she had never been physically violent to him or others), he did find himself doing everything he could think of to avoid the next escalation of anger. He was concerned about how out of control Charlotte might become and how he would cope without losing his own temper. Walking on eggshells was not working for him, and he felt he had tried “everything” to defuse her anger to no effect.
In contrast to Hunter, Lacey and Janice had in common a fear of their partners’ explosive anger that had become physical in increasingly scary ways. Both reported that they had begun to dread any episode with their partners that led to conflict. Sam’s acts of restraining her by holding her and blocking her movements led Lacey to feel more and more helpless, like a hostage to his rage. When he screamed in her face and “made” her listen to him, she felt like she was surrendering any sense of personal integrity and control of her life.
Janice had experienced threats and physically restrictive behaviors, as had Lacey, but lately Frank had begun to push her hard with his open hands and had hit her a few times while rationalizing it was not with his “closed fist.” She was starting to worry about her safety; her husband might really hurt her. After all, he had already injured her back “by mistake,” he said, when he pushed her and she fell backward across a table.
Frank also had significant risk factors: He had been violent in the past with others (he had once punched a neighbor whom he had accused of purposely making noise early in the morning and had a history of fights in high school and even in college). He had already been violent with Janice (despite his rationalizations that he had never “really” hit her with a closed fist). Frank also was a heavy “social” drinker who rarely got visibly intoxicated but was much more emotionally coiled and easily provoked when drinking. Many of his most frightening outbursts had occurred when he was drinking, even when he had had only two or three beers. He was likely to be clinically depressed, and his ability to manage his anger was poor, further increasing risk.
While both Lacey and Janice were frightened of their partners’ anger and Janice now saw a significant risk of violence in Frank’s past behavior, neither had yet set firm boundaries (B) for her partner. Both Lacey and Janice loved their partners and tended to mentally filter in the “good times” while ignoring episodes of aggression or rationalizing them away as “under too much stress” or “too much to drink.” What to do? Both had been told to leave their partners by loved ones, but neither felt it was “bad enough” to separate and possibly rupture the relationship forever. Yet the status quo was unacceptable.
• Unacceptable: Each formulated a boundary that stated in no uncertain terms that NO threat of or act of unwanted physical touch or violence would be acceptable under any circumstances. There would be no exceptions to excuse their partners’ mood, stresses, or anything else.
• Acceptable: Each made it clear that her partner was invited to express any ideas, suggestions, opinions, and all feelings, including anger and disappointment, in a calm and direct manner at a time that was mutually convenient. Janice and Lacey each modeled the “I” message format (Chapter 5) as they communicated and hoped their partners would copy it as an effective way to communicate with them.
For both Janice and Lacey the next step was to review their Daily Logs while keeping in mind what they now knew about their beliefs, or cognitions (C in our model; see Chapter 4). Each had her own unique thoughts about her partner’s anger, but some version of the following—all common among those subjected to relationship aggression—was reported by one or both. These beliefs may block your efforts at asserting new boundaries. If you can identify with any of the ones shown in the table on the next page, write down the positive, fact-based counterbeliefs that come to mind or just start practicing affirming the “rational beliefs” in the right column.
Lacey wrote her new beliefs on a 3″ × 5″ card and placed it where she could see it everyday, which led her to read it and state one or more of the new beliefs several times a day. After a while the beliefs became her mantra, one or more restated in her mind whenever Sam even began to raise his voice. It empowered her to speak up early and stop his cascade into verbal and then physical aggression.
The Daily Logs of Janice, Hunter, and Lacey revealed that their self-talk was filled with cognitive distortions that reinforced their unhelpful beliefs and elicited overwhelming fear and hopelessness that made it impossible for them to think clearly. Here are some examples, with the cognitive distortions in bold type and the fact-based rebuttal below:
• Situation: “Sam got so mad at me I couldn’t believe it. He held me from leaving the living room until he had a chance to tell me how he felt. He held my arms and wouldn’t let me go.”
• Self-Talk (Minimizing, Rationalizing): “I hate it when he does that, but he doesn’t do this very often. He doesn’t mean to hurt me; he just gets so mad and wants me to stay and listen. I don’t like it, but he loves me, and I guess I have to understand he has a right to make me hear him out.”
• Rebuttal: “The fact is that any touch or restraint is abusive and I won’t stand for it, no matter what he says.”
Transforming Beliefs That Keep You
from Asserting Your Boundaries
| Unhelpful Beliefs | Rational Beliefs |
| “I’m powerless to change the situation I am in.” | “I’m powerful and strong enough to stop any further violence.” |
| “I can’t handle my partner’s anger.” | “No matter what he/she does, I can handle it or find someone who can help me decide what to do.” |
| “He/she is much stronger and will overwhelm me.” | “I can and will stand up for myself and not tolerate anymore nasty comments or actions.” |
| “Nothing seems to work to get him/her to change. It’s hopeless.” | “If I change my thinking, I know I can change things for me. I’m hopeful.” |
| “My partner is abusive and may hurt me (or my children), so I better do what he/she wants.” | “I am confident in myself and deserve to be treated with dignity, no matter what.” |
| “I can’t make it on my own, so I have to put up with it.” | “I have coped with many challenges successfully, like when Dad died, and I will cope with this.” |
| “Things will work out if I just give it enough time.” | “Things will work out if I assert my boundaries and don’t give in to my partner’s threats.” |
• Situation: “Charlotte got so angry she threatened to destroy our wedding picture, which I have always loved. I tried to calm her down.”
• Self-Talk (Rationalizing): “She can’t help getting so angry after dealing with her clients all day. She brings in most of our income, and I have to realize that she deserves my understanding.”
• Rebuttal: “The fact is that I deserve to be treated with dignity and not be abused no matter how much she earns or what stress she’s under. I will let her know that her actions are over the top.”
• Situation: “Frank threatened never to speak to my mother again if I didn’t listen to his plea to go to his parents’ house for Thanksgiving. When I disagreed, he put me down, calling me ‘stupid’ and ‘bone-headed,’ and later would not let me go to sleep until I agreed to do ‘the right thing’: give in to his ‘totally reasonable’ request. At one point he pulled the covers off the bed and started to pull me onto the floor to ‘get me’ to hear him.”
• Self-Talk (Tunnel Vision): “I think this is wrong, but he is usually such a good provider and good with the children. I just cannot get him so furious that they will be frightened again. I need to appreciate how good I have it: nice home, all the things I want, and happy kids. I can’t complain, can I?”
• Rebuttal: “He has no right to call me names or touch me in any way. I can have a truly good life only if I’m free from intimidation and abuse. I will not tolerate this.”
• Situation: “Sam got home from work and started yelling so loudly at the children that I was worried he would lose it and hit them.”
• Self-Talk (Self-Deprecating): “Sam may lose it, but who am I to complain too much? He married me knowing that I don’t have a college degree like he does. He takes good care of me and doesn’t seem to mind the weight I’ve gained. I really don’t deserve to complain if he loses it sometimes. He doesn’t really ever hit me, just threatens it when he’s really mad.”
• Rebuttal: “I choose to feel good about myself no matter what Sam thinks of me or my weight.”
Each of these distortions fueled fear or in some way prevented them from asserting their perfect right to be free from any form of aggression or intimidation. As you look over your own Daily Log, what cognitive distortions can you identify that might be impeding your willingness to assert your new boundaries and stand up for what you believe with your partner? Remember, the sooner you can identify the roadblocks to asserting your rights as a partner and a person, the sooner your partner will have to confront your changes with a change of his or her own (or not, in which case you can decide to leave).
If you’re exposed to any form of physical aggression, you must now decide what you will do the next time this behavior occurs and stick to your course of action. Here are some rules of thumb suggested by multiple sources in the literature on violence between intimate partners:
1. Any form of verbal aggression should not be tolerated. Ever. Permitting your partner to treat you with contempt or name-calling greatly increases the risk that you will confront more serious abusive behavior in the future.
• Options: See Chapter 6.
2. Even lesser forms of physical aggression, including threats, gestures that threaten without touch, any form of low-level physical gesture or touch that is unwanted, is totally unacceptable and an immutable part of your new boundary.
• Options: Using an “I” message, take a firm stand that this behavior is intolerable and firmly ask your partner to stop immediately. Let your partner know in no uncertain terms that any future threat or touch, regardless of the reason for it, will not be tolerated, and you will immediately seek counseling and advice from experts and expect your partner to participate in the counseling. If this behavior recurs, let your partner know how you will handle it: separate from him or her for a period of time (e.g., 24 hours) or leave the house for a period of time. Again reiterate that you expect your partner to seek counseling to address the underlying issues.
Researchers Arlene Weisz, Richard Tolman, and Daniel Saunders asked victims of violence how fearful they were of future aggression from their partners and found it was the best predictor of violence actually happening. If you’re afraid of your partner (and only you can determine this), take your fear seriously and leave the situation. Get advice from a professional counselor about how to proceed.
3. Violent behavior that hurts or harms you is clearly unacceptable for any reason or under any circumstances, even if you are not seriously injured. Permitting acts of physical violence to occur without serious consequences greatly increases the likelihood that you will be injured in the future. Almost all professional advice you would receive from clinicians and researchers would tell you to call 911 to get help immediately to ensure your safety or leave the situation immediately or as soon as it is safe to do (with any children) for your safety and protection. The Suggested Resources section at the back of the book lists numerous websites and telephone numbers of agencies and organizations that provide direct services to you, like access to women’s shelters and hotlines for immediate help, as well as many books and materials to be found online to educate yourself on your options. In all cases I recommend that you seek counseling and discuss with your counselor if and when to bring your partner into the therapy.
Hunter decided to use strong “I” messages to tell Charlotte that threatening him, throwing objects, destroying things, and using any other intimidating (if noncontact) gestures would no longer be allowed.
CHARLOTTE: (In a fit of anger, throws a glass in Hunter’s direction and threatens to smash more.) I hate you! You never make me feel loved. All you do is work, and you’re obsessed with your job. Why don’t you just live at the office?! I would never miss you—that’s for sure!
HUNTER: You just threw a glass at me. I am totally confused and frustrated that you can’t seem to talk about your feelings without resorting to threatening me in some way. I want to listen but can’t get beyond the violence. Could we talk in a calm voice and give each other a chance to express what we feel without interrupting or getting physical? I would really appreciate that. You should know that I will immediately stop the conversation and leave the room or the house anytime you become physical by throwing or smashing or if you call me names. Once things calm down, I am always willing to talk in a calm voice about what you and I need from each other. What do you think?
Notice that Hunter talks only about how he feels and what he thinks and needs, without showing any contempt for or criticism of Charlotte. He makes clear where his boundaries are and yet expresses a willingness to talk, provided talk is calm and without interruptions. Hunter soon realizes that he does indeed have the power to decide what he is willing to participate in and what he is not willing to do. It feels good. Soon Charlotte begins to avoid raising her voice and threatening Hunter with throwing things because it gets her no acknowledgment of her needs. When she begins to raise her voice or threaten Hunter in any way, he immediately tells her that he is about to stop the discussion and leave the situation until she can communicate in a calm way. When her old behaviors of threatening him no longer work in any way, she abandons them and tries to sit down and talk in a calm way to get Hunter’s attention. What works is what she ends up doing, which is true of most of us. Hunter also suggested couple counseling for the two and makes it clear that he will attend by himself if necessary if the two cannot begin to talk things out without aggression.
In contrast, Lacey and Janice had been touched in anger by their partners, which greatly increases the risk of further violence. Both felt intimidated when their partners acted out their anger with holding, blocking, slapping, or shoving. Both had decided that such behaviors were unacceptable and would not be tolerated in the future. The issue was how to communicate this and how their partners would react if they took a stand. Would they be hurt in some way, and what if their partners decided to leave them? All of these fears had paralyzed them up until now.
Both Lacey and Janice decided that no touch of any kind would be tolerated in the future. Both decided to work out a plan to separate from their partners if any further incident of aggression occurred. The Suggested Resources at the end of this book offer support and specific strategies for developing a “Safety Planning List” of specific items you should set aside or address so you are ready to leave the situation immediately if physical violence occurs again or for any reason you fear for your safety.
Lacey and Janice, like Hunter, used the “I” message approach to make it clear that any further touching in anger, for any reason, was unacceptable and would be met with separation: either their partners would be asked to leave or they would leave. Both agreed that if they were injured or felt their partners wouldn’t let them leave the home they would call 911 and report the situation. Neither wanted to call the police, but both soon realized that their safety and that of their children was the top priority. The literature on coping with physical abuse suggests that you must take a bold step to clearly communicate that abusive actions will no longer be tolerated in the future, before the next situation arises, as well as immediately should it happen.
LACEY: (In response to Sam refusing to let her leave the bedroom by blocking and holding her until he had his “say.”) I will not tolerate your holding or touching me in any way to keep me a captive so you can talk. Let go or I will pack up and leave as soon as I get out of here. I will no longer be your hostage.
SAM: (Lets go and permits Lacey to leave the room.) Come on. This isn’t a big deal. I didn’t really hurt you, did I? Get a life!
LACEY: It’s a big deal to me. We may be arguing, and I wish we wouldn’t. But there is no reason to call me names and touch me like you do sometimes. I have a right to ask you to stop and to leave. If this behavior occurs again, I am leaving and will only return when I feel safe. Also, I will call a counselor to learn how to better deal with your anger and our issues. I would hope you would go also.
About a week after Lacey set her boundary with Sam, he began putting down her intelligence and calling her “stupid” and “foolish” when she disagreed with his intention to buy a new car. As was often the case, the discussion began peacefully and escalated when the two disagreed about what they could afford. Both began to raise their voices, and Lacey decided things were getting too intense and told Sam she was going to call a “STOP” (recall the defusing strategies from Chapter 5) to end the conversation and leave until she calmed down; she invited him to do the same. He refused to stop talking and followed her when she retreated to their bedroom. When she again asked him to stop, he told her she was being unfair and refused to leave. When Lacey started to leave the room, he blocked her passage and held on to her arms to restrain her from leaving.
SAM: (Yelling at Lacey.) Just wait a minute. Let me speak! There’s no way you’re leaving until you listen to me. I have a right to be heard! (Blocks Lacey from going to the bedroom door, then holds on to her arm.)
LACEY: Let go immediately. This is abusive, and I won’t stand for it. (Using the “broken record” defusing strategy, keeps calmly and firmly repeating “Please let go” and refuses to talk with Sam about the issue until he finally releases her and she leaves the room.)
Lacey immediately got the bag she had already packed and left the house to go to a friend’s home. She called Sam to let him know she was all right and would be home when she felt ready. She also contacted me and set up an appointment to discuss what had happened and her options. When Lacey returned home two days later, she made it clear that the next time any touch occurred she would be gone until she had clear evidence he had begun counseling and was sincerely working on his anger. Once they were together again, Sam decided to come into counseling and began to address his anger issues along the lines outlined in my book Taking Charge of Anger. Both decided to enter couple counseling with the goal of staying together.
Now that Lacey had stood up for her boundaries, Sam began to correct himself when he started down the road of verbal aggression or any touching of her in anger. For example, he would start to hold on to her and then let go, saying “I’m sorry, but when you’re ready, can we talk?” He soon learned that Lacey must agree to talk and that he could not “make” her talk with him. Because he loved her and wanted the relationship to work, he was motivated to make changes. Unfortunately, this will not always be the case. Setting your boundaries is still critical, though. Your boundaries set the stage for your partner to make changes or not, as he or she so desires. But they preserve your own safety and security.
Janice decided that Frank’s hitting and shoving was already excessive and resolved that she would call the police if he ever hit her again, no matter what the consequences for Frank. Frank often insisted that his anger was beyond his control and that if she notified anyone his reputation would be destroyed or he might be fired. Janice had so far avoided talking about her plight with anyone for fear that Frank would be hurt by the revelation. After talking with me and reading some of the resources I suggested, she decided to attend a group for battered women offered by the local YWCA and to continue working on improving her self-esteem and ability to assert her boundaries with her husband. She had encouraged Frank to find his own therapist to address his rage and violence, but he refused, telling her that he knew he had a problem but had to learn to cope with it “on my own. I don’t believe in therapists!”
JANICE: (Finds a time when she has Frank’s full attention. Calmly approaches him.) Frank, last night you again pushed me onto the bed. You already injured my back a few weeks ago when you pushed me, even though I know you didn’t want me to fall on that table. This makes me feel very hurt, sad, and very angry at you and myself that I have put up with this as long as I have. That’s over! I am letting you know that the next time you touch me in any way when angry, no matter what your excuse, I am calling the police to report it and I am leaving. I won’t return until you are in counseling and have made enough progress that I can feel safe. If not, I won’t return at all.
FRANK: (obviously stunned and surprised) What do you mean you’re calling the police? My job is at stake here! You wouldn’t embarrass me like that, would you? I have never really tried to hurt you; you know that.
JANICE: It doesn’t matter what you haven’t ‘tried’ to do; you have physically abused me and hurt me in many ways, and I will never tolerate it again. If you don’t want to be embarrassed, don’t touch me. It’s that simple. I am not kidding and will do what I say.
FRANK: Couldn’t you be more reasonable? What if I lose my job? I love you and don’t want to lose you! Don’t do this.
JANICE: That’s exactly how I feel: I love you too, Frank, and I wish you wouldn’t do this to me. If you touch me again, I will follow through!
To her credit, Janice followed through when Frank got furious a few weeks later and grabbed her shoulders, shaking her to “get her to come to her senses.” He was again shocked and dismayed when Janice got on the phone and called the police, who came to the house and interviewed both of them. While they didn’t arrest Frank, they made a report and let him know that the next time they would arrest him since Janice feared for her safety. They did recommend that he leave the house, which he did, and Janice told him he could not return (he stayed with a brother) until he got into counseling for his anger and she and the therapist felt things were safe. In addition to his counseling, Janice agreed to enter couple therapy to work with him on improving their communication and how they discussed differences. Janice felt very empowered by taking a stand with Frank and felt confident she would now do whatever it took to ensure she would never again be physically abused. For his part Frank seemed to be happy that things had changed when I met with the two of them a few months later. He reported that meeting with his therapist had been helpful not only in resolving his anger but in communicating with his peers at work and with his adult children.
The stories of Charlotte and Hunter, Lacey and Sam, and Janice and Frank may make it seem pretty simple to intervene when physical aggression rears its head in your relationship. I’m sure you already know it’s not that easy. These couples experienced lots of ups and downs on their way to making their relationships work better for all concerned, and all of them took advantage of some type of professional advice or counseling, either individually or as a couple. Chapter 6 discusses medical and psychological problems your partner may be experiencing that contribute to unhelpful anger expression and that make a referral for evaluation and/or treatment advisable. In addition to individual treatment for your partner, couple counseling is often beneficial. (See the Suggested Resources at the end of the book for more information.)
You’re probably wondering yourself when counseling is wise. Ask yourself these questions:
1. Are you finding success in understanding and implementing the ideas in this book on your own? If so, carry on. You probably have a lot of emotional and psychological awareness to begin with and may do very well by applying what you have learned here and from the other readings.
2. Do you feel overwhelmed with your partner’s anger and find these ideas overwhelming also? Or perhaps you are not having success applying new boundaries and seem to run into serious roadblocks (see Chapter 10) with your partner. If it seems difficult to surmount problems in communicating or resolving relationship issues, couple counseling may provide you with the guidance to break out of old patterns into the kind of relationship you’ve always desired. Select someone who is an appropriately licensed mental health counselor and who has experience in working with conflict, anger, and abuse in relationships.
3. If you have identified with this chapter and find yourself with a partner who is physically violent, you are frightened for your safety, or your relationship seems way too intense or scary lately, seek professional counseling for yourself immediately. You may decide or your counselor may suggest that you separate from your partner right away given the current situation. Also, counseling groups offered by local agencies can be of great comfort and help.
So far we have been describing anger that is overt and expressed in ways that are hard to misinterpret. It’s clear that when your partner is yelling at you, making a sarcastic remark, or using some form of verbal aggression he or she is in fact angry. The emotion is unmistakable and leads directly to questions about why this is happening and what you can do to make it stop. But sometimes you may find yourself wondering what your partner is feeling. Is it anger or something else? When anger is indirect or passive, you can end up feeling offended, hurt, or assaulted, but still wondering if your reaction is appropriate to the situation. Your partner may withhold something you would like or have asked for. Or perhaps she or he stops talking and avoids any discussion, spending time alone or lost in thought. You try to discuss what is obviously wrong and get a reply like “Why, nothing. I’m fine.” Yet you know things are not right and you hope that eventually he or she will reveal what is wrong.
Remember John and Nancy from Chapter 1? Nancy would often meet John with an “icy” greeting when he arrived home late from being out with his friends. If she was angry, she might spend the rest of the evening in their bedroom, ignoring him and then not talking for days at a time. This cold anger was very provocative to John and just as upsetting to him as some of the more intense faces of anger were to others you’ve read about.
The next chapter describes these indirect expressions of “passive” anger and offers ways of using the A–E model to set a different kind of boundary for behavior that sometimes is not clearly angry but is always confusing and challenging.
