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Exercises for Communication Mastery

The following exercises were presented at the end of each chapter in the book. I have listed all of them here for your convenience. If you have not yet completed them, I urge you to do so now. The only way to master these methods is through practice:

  1. Try acknowledging and appreciating your partner this week. Validate his feelings and tell him how much you appreciate specific things he does. Notice what effect this has on him and on your relationship.
  2. If you haven't already done so, find out what helps to charm your partner's heart. The shorthand way of doing this is by asking your partner, “When are a couple of times you've felt most loved by me?” Pause for her answer, then proceed. “What helped you know during those occasions that I really loved you?” For a more thorough explanation of how to find out what makes your partner feel loved, reread chapter 2. Also, tell your partner what she does that helps you feel fully loved by her.
  3. During the next few days, focus on using nonverbal methods to increase feelings of intimacy with your partner. Try smiling, mirroring your partner's body position, touching him frequently, and/or using the electric sex technique. Pick one of these methods right now and vow to use it tonight with your partner.
  4. The next time you notice you're slightly upset at your partner, ask yourself the three questions abbreviated in the acronym WILL WISE: “What is likely to happen if I continue to insist on being right? Would I like to feel loved or be right? What is something I especially like about my partner?” Notice if thoroughly answering these three questions to yourself helps you to avoid blame and communicate in a more loving manner. If you prefer asking yourself just one question, try asking “How might I have contributed to the situation we have here?” Come up with at least three possibilities.
  5. The next time you begin having an argument with your partner, immediately ask him to do a Spoon Tune with you. See how differently you feel after four or five minutes of tuning with him. Or if you prefer, you can do the “And What Else?” game instead. Right now, make an agreement with your partner to do one of these tools the next time either of you request it. You might even create a negative consequence if the tool isn't immediately tried when requested. It's a good idea to put this agreement in writing.
  6. Think of something that feels off or bad in your relationship that you haven't communicated to your partner. Communicate about it to your partner by using the following formula: “When you (briefly describe the situaution) I feel (sad, impatient, hurt, and/or fearful) because I (explain the psychological need you have that leads you to feel this way). What I want is (state your specific desire).” See if you can avoid triggering your partner's blame detector as you communicate your feelings and desires.
  7. What is a problem area that repeatedly comes up in your relationship? If nothing comes to mind, look through the dynamite dozen (in chapter 7) and choose one area that has given you and your partner trouble in the past. Ask yourself and your partner the following question: “What does it take or what has to happen in order for me (or you) to feel good about (name the area you're exploring)?” Attempt to clarify your own and your partner's specific expectations in this area.
  8. Using the information from chapter 8, see if you can create a metaphor that helps your partner understand how you feel about something in your life or relationship. Once you've created it, tell her and see if she seems to better understand you.
  9. What is a small thing your partner does that you would like him to change? Perhaps he blows his nose at the dinner table, and it bothers you. Or perhaps she interrupts you when you're on the phone. Whatever it is, use the “A PI SWAP” method to request that he or she make the change you desire.
  10. Pick a small problem you have with your partner and decide to negotiate a solution to it using the “A PI SWAPED” method from chapter 10. It need not be a big problem. It can even be insignificant. The important thing is for you to practice and get a feel for the technique by using it with your sweetheart.
  11. At some time in the future, your partner will feel hurt or distant from you for some reason. If you suspect that's the case, ask her “Where am I on your trust thermometer?” Request that she give you a number from one to ten. If you're at the lower end of the scale due to breaking an agreement, use the RARE formula by taking Responsibility, Apologizing, Requesting information on what your partner needs from you, and Entrusting a new promise. If you don't know why she feels hurt, clarify what's wrong by asking her, “What did you think I meant by . . . ?” Once you've talked things over, ask for her trust thermometer number again, and see if the level of trust has gone up.
  12. Do something special for your partner—for no particular reason other than as a loving surprise. You might write him a caring note, buy him a gift he would like, or offer him anything else you think would make him feel loved and appreciated. Notice what effect this giving gesture has on your relationship.