CHAPTER NINETEEN
CHILDREN AND DREAMS
Having dreams be a topic of conversation can help your kids see them as a source of inspiration, a way to gain more awareness about challenges facing them, and a wellspring for their creative development. Instead of feeling ashamed or hiding the feelings that emerge in their dreams, knowing that dreams are normal and being able to share them with someone without judgment can be exceptionally powerful. And if they have nightmares or dreams that disturb them, knowing that someone will listen to them can be soothing and comforting.
Given that children are less socially filtered than adults, their imaginations are stronger, and it’s such a gift to help encourage it to flourish. Tapping into the language of dreams can do this. Additionally, connecting with your children about dreams will also foster your relationship; it’s an amazing opportunity to know your child better and another way for them to see you as being encouraging and supportive. Dreams can be fodder not only for family conversations, but also shared creative endeavors. And while helping them understand what their dreams may be reflecting is valuable, the virtues of this practice exceed that. Even just having your child give voice to their dreams, and having them see that you are listening to them and appreciating the unique experience that they had, can itself provide exceptional benefit. As you’ll see, this chapter describes many ways to help your children forge a connection with their dreams, as well as ways to work with them. Remember, though, this isn’t an all-or-nothing pursuit. You may find that even just occasionally asking them about their dreams can open up a whole new world, for themselves and in your relationship with them.
Dreaming with Children
On some level, children’s dreams are like ours. Some are good dreams and others may be nightmares. Some may have them emotionally processing feelings, while others may be a replay of mundane events. And they, like us, may also have big dreams, those filled with archetypal concepts, the knowledge of which seems to go beyond their years. Regardless of the type of dreams they have, here are ways that you can connect with your kids about them.
INSPIRE THEIR CURIOSITY
Talk about the power of dreams, and how they can be helpful in feeling happier and more confident in their lives. Tell them about famous people whose dreams preceded their inventing great things or creating masterful pieces of art (see here for ideas). Share with them how some of the most popular kids’ books — some that may even be their favorites — have dreams as a starring role (see here for ideas).
DIALOGUE ABOUT THEIR DREAMS
For some kids, just acknowledging that they had a dream that they remembered is fulfilling enough. For others, though, discussing them may be something that they find fun and helpful. There are many ways to approach a dream, many paths through which you can invite them to share their dream and connect with it. Below you’ll find some possible suggestions. Remember that there is no strict formula to follow per se: certain children may align better with certain questions and different ways that a dream inquiry may be sequenced and paced. Just make sure to customize the questions to reflect your communication styles.
How was your dream?
This is often a good entry approach, as it’s open-ended and neutral, allowing your child to answer in a host of different ways. Even if their response is a simple good, boring, scary, exciting, okay, or another one-word answer, you’ll get immediate insight into their top-line perspective on it. You also then have the beginning of a lexicon — their own — with which you can mirror back to them and further inquire about their dream. Of course, for some kids, rather than yielding just a one- or two-word answer, the “How was your dream?” question may produce a whole treasure trove of details. It may strike such a well that you won’t need to even ask structured follow-up questions.
What was your dream about?
The intent of this question is to have your child share more details about their dream. To further customize it and have them recognize that you have listened intently to them up to this point, you could frame it using their response to your initial question. For example, if they answered that their dream was boring, you could say something like, “What happened in your dream that had you experience it as boring?”
How did the dream make you feel?
Asking this can help you to know your child even better on an emotional level, keying you into feelings that they are working through. This may provide you with direct access to a situation that you weren’t aware your child was facing and how they felt about it. Or it may help you to further clarify how your little one feels about a challenge or an opportunity about which you know. By asking about what was emotionally kindled for them owing to the dream, it can help them to feel more confident that you are interested in their feelings. Another benefit is that it helps them develop language skills to express their emotions.
Did the dream (or something specific in the dream) remind you of something in your life?
This can help you, and them, understand what may have inspired the dream. It can reflect what may be top of mind for your child in their life. This question also creates an opportunity for them to share a concern they have or an achievement they’ve experienced about which you may not have known. By discussing this, and seeing the dream through this lens, you may help them to understand how they may be able to further process what they are experiencing in their waking life.
What did the dream teach you?
Your child may be able to immediately perceive some important lessons that the dream gifted them. Or it may be through the recounting of the dream, and the discussions that you have, that they will discover important lessons and further understanding about themselves. As dreams can provide problem-solving awareness, explore with your child what they learned from the dream. This could run the gamut and may include relationship skills, ways to navigate a current challenge at school, and even an idea that helps them to realize how to approach a demanding homework assignment.
What is something new you’re thinking about after having the dream?
This is a follow-up line of inquiry you could use to help further bridge the dream to their waking life, supporting them to take what they learned and integrate it. It will have them connect to a declaration of intent and awareness, galvanizing their confidence that they feel more skilled and adept.
WORKING THE DREAM
Since dreams are unique to the dreamer and you want your little ones to feel a sense of agency toward them, it’s important when reflecting on their dream to always start by saying, “If this were my dream…” This avoids it appearing that what you think of their dream is the absolute reality, leaving no space for them to find meanings that are more personal to them.
If your child had a striking dream, whether inspiring or upsetting, encourage them to express it with artwork. They can take a dream image or scene and paint or draw it. Or perhaps sculpting it with clay or playdough is more up their alley. Alternatively, the scene in their dream may be one that is perfect to be acted out in a play. It can even serve as an idea for a mini-theater production that they can do with their friends or siblings. Or let’s say that in their dream, they were exploring a new skill and they found it challenging; you can then set aside time to do that activity together, imparting to them insights and firsthand experience.
MAINTAIN AN ENCOURAGING STANCE
Sharing dreams provides you with another opportunity to praise your child. Laud them about something related to their dream. It could be its creative quality, an act of bravery they took in the dream, how much they remember about their dream, or the like. When asking your child about their dream, make sure to hold space for them in an open and nonjudgmental manner. Be conscientious about any bias you may have, whether about the process of dreaming itself or something that may arise in their dreams. Remember that what they share with you may be outside of your comfort zone or your sense of usual; for example, you may be astounded by your little one’s dream recall and the amount of details that they remember. And while this may initially shock you, be careful how you respond so that they don’t feel that there’s anything out of the ordinary about it.
Make sure to validate their feelings. For example, if your child spoke about a dream that frightened them, you could note something like, “I understand how you may have felt scared.” In this case, you could also tell them how you have scary dreams on occasion as well, so that they know that you share another commonality. Or if they recall something that perplexed them in the dream, even if it’s something that seems to have an obvious meaning to you, saying something like “I understand how you may have been confused” can go a long way to making them feel seen and heard.
Throughout the process, it’s good to incorporate the language that they used to mirror back when you ask them questions or make declarative statements. This will help them feel validated. Remember that a child will share their dreams in an age-appropriate way. You may even find that if a dream was significant to them and they retell it later in their life, the way that they share it will change.
MAKE DREAM SHARING A ROUTINE
Make talking about dreams a routine part of your family dynamic. Choose a time at which you ask about their dream. Perhaps it’s when they first wake up, or when you’re sitting down to breakfast. On the days you forget, don’t be surprised if very dream-curious kids bring up the subject. If your child gets the dream bug, they may even start asking family members about them at holiday gatherings. And, as we explored in chapter 12, regularly sharing dreams helps people better remember them. Therefore, by encouraging this as a regular conversation, your kids — and you — will better recall your oneiric visions.
Of course, you don’t want to pressure your children to talk about their dreams. It’s important to respect their privacy and how they want to honor this part of their lives. If your child doesn’t seem interested in discussing their dreams, and you still want to keep the subject alive, you can note on occasion something about the dream you had, even if it’s just something neutral like “I had such an interesting dream last night.” This still allows for there to be an understanding that dreams are something that are normal — things that people have, talk about, and share.
KEEPING A DREAM JOURNAL
Encourage your children to document their dreams. Have them keep a dream journal that they can write in whenever they want. For kids who are starting to learn to write, this can be another great way for them to develop this skill. If your child isn’t old enough to write, ask them if they want you to write it down for them. Since drawing is not only an accessible way to express the visual language of dreams but is something that most kids like to do, make sure that the journal has some blank pages. They can use these to draw, color, finger-paint, or doodle images from their dreams, or visually represent the tone of the dream, or how it made them feel.
Some children like to keep a diary. You can ask them if they want to include their dreams there or in a separate book. Remind them that since their dream journal, like their dreams, is very special, they should designate a cherished spot in which to keep it. Depending upon your child and their age, keeping their journal private, and only accessed by others by invitation, may be important.
Nightmares and Night Terrors
It may be very upsetting to watch your children deal with the fear inspired by scary dreams. Know, though, that episodic nightmares are not abnormal, and in fact are more commonplace in children than in adults. They happen for kids of all ages and across genders, although there are some differences: throughout childhood, girls and boys have been found to have nightmares at similar rates until they become teenagers, a period when girls report having them more frequently than boys.
As they begin to develop their wayfinding in the world, children are faced with a multitude of firsts to experience and unknowns to navigate. Additionally, they may feel less in control than adults while connecting to age-appropriate fears. Some of these concerns may find a way to pepper their dreams, ideally so that they can give voice to them, work them out, and grow past them. However, these dream visions may, of course, be quite disconcerting.
Know that not every bad dream is a nightmare. Some children may report a dream as being scary but not find themselves emotionally disturbed as they may be from a nightmare. Generally, nightmares are those that are so vivid and emotionally inciting that they shake us up out of sleep. Note that while episodic nightmares may be normal, if your child has them very frequently or experiences ones that are so terrifying that they cause them undue anxiety or a fear of sleeping, getting professional help may be of benefit. Especially if your child has nightmares, you may want to make sure that they feel as safe as possible when they go to bed. Many of the relaxation rituals and bedroom-designing tips in the previous chapter can help with this. Remind them that they can always talk to you about what happens in their dreams and that doing so may even help their nightmares to subside.
If your child has a nightmare, don’t dismiss their fear, while still strongly taking a position of offering them reassurance. And even if it seems like a means of providing them with solace, be cautious not to discount their dreams. Be careful not to say, “It was only a dream,” as this will send a mixed message to them about the veracity and import of their dreams. Rather, in this instance, encourage them to remember that dreams may seem very realistic when we are sleeping, but that we always wake up from them, and that they cannot harm us.
Hearing about your child’s nightmares may be like a bull’s-eye arrow that gives you immediate access into understanding the roots of their upset and consternation. Based upon this, look to see what may be triggering them in their daily life and see if resolution can be made. Remember, too, that as your child works through the issues with which they may be struggling, not only will things in their waking life resolve, but their dreams will, as well. And their nightmares may abate.
As discussed in chapter 7, the phenomenon of night terrors is different than nightmares. Night terrors are experienced much more frequently by children than adults, with kids ages four to eight having them in the greatest concentration. The good news is that they are something that most kids outgrow by twelve years of age.
IMAGE REHEARSAL THERAPY
There are numerous ways that you can help comfort a child who has a nightmare. While chapter 8 addresses nightmares in general, there may be some information in there that you may find beneficial for your child. One of the concepts discussed there is Image Rehearsal Therapy (IRT), an adaptation of which has been found to be helpful for children. If your child’s nightmares are rather tenacious, consider consulting with a health-care practitioner who can provide them with a systematic approach to this treatment. However, if their nightmares are less frequent or intense, you may want to see if you can use some of its principles, helping your child directly. As you are tucking your child in and talking with them about their dreams, you can discover if they previously had one that was upsetting to them. If so, ask them if they want to talk about it more.
First, help normalize their nightmares. Have them realize that most kids have them, and that there is nothing strange about them. Confidently tell them that there are things that you can do together to help the nightmares dissipate. Remind them that these dreams are not an attribute of who they are — like their physical appearance or personality — but rather something that they do, and so there are things that they can undertake to have them disappear.
Next, tell them you know a game (or strategy, if that’s more age-appropriate) that helps many people fend off nightmares. Then ask them if they want to take a bad dream that they just had and come up with a better ending or resolution for it. This may be very empowering for them, as it helps them directly face their fears and exercise their creative control.
Listen in as they rescript the story line of their dream, providing prompts and encouragement where you see fit. Ask them how they feel about this new dream. Then ask if they would want to have this alternative-ending dream. If they say yes, have them concentrate in their mind’s eye upon this revised dream before going to sleep. Tell them that with this exercise, there’s a good chance that they may have this new dream, but if they don’t, not to worry, as sometimes it takes a little extra time and work for new things to take hold. Chances are, though, that after doing this exercise several times, they may not have their bad dream again. (This exercise is an adaption of Image Rehearsal Therapy, which we explored in chapter 8.)
You could also do this rescripting exercise during the daytime and use it as a foundation for their artwork. Have them not only create a new ending for the dream in words, but also as a drawing, painting, dance, or other form of creative expression that interests them. Given that dreams are so visual, this may help them to further tap into a way to sculpt this reimagining.