CHAPTER 3
“I’ve Tried Everything, But Nothing Works”
Understanding and Redefining Parent Success
“But if we don’t have the time and the willingness to take care of ourselves, how can we offer any genuine care to the people we love?” —THICH NHAT HANH
Relationships Are Suffering
We struggle to communicate well with the people we love the most—partners, kids, parents—precisely because they matter to us the most. We yell more than we’d like, avoid important conversations, cry when no one is around. The one thing we want most, to feel like our family functions as a team, is missing. Add to that a world of unmet expectations, difficulty in managing the daily logistics of family life, and fear for our children’s future—it’s no wonder our relationships can become a hot mess!
Relationships are challenging for complex kids and adults. They require time, patience, attention, intention, commitment, self-regulation, self-awareness, stamina, and other skills that depend on executive function (see Chapter 7). The very problems we’re facing—executive dysfunction and emotional dysregulation—interfere with our ability to navigate relationship nuances.
Parents often come to Diane and me because the threads that connect family members to each other are fraying. They want to repair things before the connection breaks. They say
• “There is so much tension in our home.”
• “Our marriage is struggling.”
• “I just want her to talk to me.”
• “He’s out of control and it scares me.”
• “I’m worried.”
• “I’m at a loss.”
• “I feel all alone.”
• “She’s in her own world and withdraws.”
• “He won’t eat with the family anymore.”
• “I just want a happy family.”
• “I just want a good relationship with my kid!”
Relationship challenges surface whether kids have a diagnosis or not. For children and teens with a clinical explanation for their challenges, it has usually been a long path to diagnosis. Parents have spent months or years seeking advice, searching for answers, and trying remedies, therapies, or good old-fashioned discipline to “fix” their child’s unwanted behaviors. They are spent, and their patience has worn thin.
For children and teens who’ve never received an assessment, missed diagnosis often results in strained family relationships. Young people fumble into adulthood, stuck in a vortex of dependency and ineffective self-management. Parents may fear a danger in “labeling” their kids; others just don’t know where to turn for guidance. Whatever the underlying cause, it’s hard to address something if you don’t know what it is.
Maybe we feel disconnected from ourselves or those we love. Maybe we feel ineffective as parents raising kids whose behaviors are surprising and uncomfortable. Maybe our kids feel out of control or worry they’re a constant disappointment to us. The friction permeates all aspects of our relationships. It’s extremely difficult to be the adults our kids need us to be. Here are some common ways this plays out:
• We hold on too tightly because we are desperate for our kids to be successful, robbing them of the opportunity to experience resilience without shame.
• We let go too soon because we think they need to learn how to take care of themselves, missing the chance to guide their development with encouragement.
• We focus on the tasks that need to get done at the expense of our connection, driving a wedge between us and our kids that’s difficult to overcome.
Relationships in complex families may be taxed, but they’re redeemable. You can reconnect with your kids and change your approach, so that you become the “good fit” your quirky kid needs. And you can communicate clearly and respectfully, authentically earning your child’s respect. Because, what kids want most of all—at the heart of their relationships—is to feel respected and connected, starting at home.
Coach’s Reframe: Change Starts with You
During the 2019 ADHD Parent’s Palooza, Linda Roggli (ADDiva) and I had the privilege of interviewing leading researcher Dr. Stephen Hinshaw. I was riveted to his insights, especially as he spoke about a key notion from psychological research: “goodness of fit.” Groundbreaking research in the 1950s and 1960s about temperament led to the understanding that it’s important for parents and kids to “fit” together. “Goodness of fit” is essential to a child’s emotional development.
“What really matters,” explained Hinshaw, is “how much you mesh with and appreciate the temperament of your kid … It’s not the parents or the kids per se. It’s the blend. It’s the fit.” He continued, “The challenge for parenting any kid who’s got some differences from other kids is appreciating your kid’s difference, quirkiness, impulsivity, high activity level, [and] creativity.” It’s fundamental to building relationships that support kids who are different.
You have a unique, individual relationship with your child, no matter who else is involved.
When kids don’t meet typical developmental milestones (see Chapter 9), we usually want them to adapt, to fit with our approach to parenting. But research indicates that young people need us to adapt to fit them—their style, their proclivities, and their interests. When kids feel out of sync with their parents, they can end up feeling like a “mis-fit” in their own family (pun intended.)
Do you ever offer help to your kids in a way that seems to push them away? As if no matter how hard you try, you can’t seem to figure out what you can do to help? More than likely, it’s not what you’re doing, it’s how. How we approach them and their challenges influences their willingness to accept our help.
I’m not saying that your reactions have caused your kids’ challenges. But how you respond from here can set the tone for how your child learns to handle and overcome challenges moving forward. To change their behaviors, start by shifting your approach.
The parenting styles discussed in Chapter 2 are common, though not always helpful. But chances are, you also have moments of excellence and grace as a parent. Sometimes you respond calmly and confidently, instead of reacting. This book is designed to help you connect to (and cultivate) your inner conscious parent.
I invite you to expand into that part of yourself that’s ready and able to parent from a place of clarity and consciousness. Meet Conscious Connie and Conscious Carl:
Conscious Connie and Conscious Carl
CONSCIOUS PARENT: You’re aware that life is chaotic, and that’s okay. You’re doing the best you can, and that’s good enough, even though it’s not perfect. You have immense gratitude, focusing on what’s good in your life instead of what “could be.” You have a “bring it on” attitude, tackling challenges with grace. You say, “This is my life, and there’s so much that is good about it.”
Think about your approach as a parent, your interactions with your kid, and how you typically respond to their challenges. You’ll probably notice things you feel you’re doing wrong, and that’s okay. Now, what about things you’re doing right? Can you identify your successes and your sweet spots? Give yourself credit for successes? Successes are where your best solutions are hidden (see Chapter 10), so focus on them to move things forward.
As you read this, it’s possible you’ll feel a little hopeless or worried because you and your coparent aren’t on the same page. I get that. It’s always worth working toward the goal of collaborative parenting. But I want to say this clearly: it only takes one parent to turn the ship. You have a unique, individual relationship with your child, no matter who else is involved. You can create a strong relationship that supports your child, even if your coparent is not (yet) on board. The bottom line to effective parenting is simple: change starts with you.
For the rest of this book, think about your goals and your approach without judging yourself for anything you’ve done up until now. Focus on understanding your role, on the changes you want to create. Search for a new path to grow into the kind of parent your kids need, which is ultimately the kind of parent you want to be.
Raising complex kids is an unexpected life adventure. It’s going to require some course correction. Who better than you to lead the way?
Strategy: Relationships over Tasks
Walking through our family room while my three kids were sitting on the couch watching television, I was annoyed they were sitting there laughing when I had so much to do. Honestly, there was nothing they really needed to do at that time, and there was no reason for me to engage. But I did. I started looking around for something for them to do.
They were (rightfully) annoyed when I directed them to shut off the TV and then ordered them around the house. They let me know in no uncertain terms as they begrudgingly slammed down the remote and moved to action.
In hindsight, my need for them to be “busy” or “productive” was my problem, not theirs. I honestly can’t remember what chores or homework I insisted on, but I’m certain it really didn’t have to be done that exact moment. I didn’t have to interrupt them or step on their fun. In that moment, I made unloading the dishwasher or doing homework more important than my relationship with them.
What does allowing them to watch television have to do with our relationship? I was making tasks—getting stuff done—more important than their interests, needs, self-esteem, and autonomy, for no real reason other than to calm my own anxiety.
Focusing too much on tasks can cause damage to our relationships with our kids, spouses, and coparents. We get so caught up in the business of our lives, with what we think is right, that we forget they’re independent human beings on their own paths, with their own perspectives and desires. When we hyperfocus on tasks (even tasks that are important), we lose site of the bigger picture—staying connected.
For example:
• We fuss at a teen for leaving a wet towel on the floor again in a tone that communicates “you’re lazy.”
• We force a late night to finish homework, long after a child is clearly beyond capacity, sending a message that communicates “try harder.”
• We send kids to go get socks, and then greet them with a message that communicates “why can’t you just get it together?” when they come back empty handed (or worse, with a toy in hand).
Sure we want to teach kids to pick up wet towels, have them complete their homework, and put strategies in place to support their working memory. But we’re more likely to help them learn these skills when our relationships are strong and we’re working together collaboratively.
Throughout dozens of interviews with thought leaders in the fields of ADHD and parenting during the 2019 ADHD Parent’s Palooza, Drs. Ned Hallowell, Stephen Hinshaw, Roberto Olivardia, Carolyn Parcells, and others struck a consistent theme: stay connected. There’s almost nothing more important that parents can do, they said, than focus on their relationships with their complex kids.
Relationships are built on trust, which releases oxytocin, a “happy hormone” that makes kids available to learning, research shows. Discord and disharmony release cortisol, a “stress hormone” that interferes with trust and learning.
The secret to parenting complex kids—any kids, really—is to lean into the relationship. That doesn’t mean “be their best friend,” “give them everything they want,” or “don’t teach them to be responsible.” It means maintaining respectful, open, healthy communication. Strong relationships tell our kids that we have their backs. When our children trust us, they know we’re doing our best for them and that we won’t lead them down a path that’s not in their best interest. They can choose to trust us, even when they don’t agree with us.
A trusting relationship tells our kids it’s okay to be themselves, to mess up, to try, to fail, to succeed—because we will be there with our love unconditionally, even when they don’t get all the tasks done!
Say No to Defensiveness (Don’t Take the Bait)
Years ago, my husband and I were out of sync, both stuck in defense mode. I have no idea who “started it,” but our conversations were limited to logistics. Our shields were up, and our connection was down. I was aware of the distance between us, but it felt safer to stay hidden behind sandbags than to risk the rising flood.
This probably sounds familiar. Many of us live in a chronic state of defense. In fact, we constantly use military references in our daily human interactions: lower your shields, pick your battles, call a truce, stick to your guns, take the first shot, send in the reinforcements, détentes—not to mention battle of the sexes! But these analogies create a zero-sum gain in relationships; rather than victory, they lock us in unending conflict.
Do you really want to be “doing battle” with your teenager or 10-year-old, spouse or parent, supervisor or employee?
One of the greatest superpowers you can cultivate is to stop taking things personally.
Relationships flourish when we remove roadblocks. It’s time to pull your important relationships out of the barracks. Start with an olive branch, but be patient. When we get locked in a crisply starched uniform, we forget how to stand at ease. Even as you start to treat your loved ones as allies, it can take some time for them to step off the battlefield.
Thankfully, my spouse saw the signs and began looking for common ground. He talked and smiled more. Because my shields were well established, it took time for me to lay down my sword and stop taking things personally. He waited without re-arming himself; instead, he met me with virtual flowers and a box of chocolates. Eventually my shields came down and our connection improved. But it took a while.
COACH YOURSELF TO STOP TAKING THE BAIT
One of the greatest superpowers you can cultivate is to stop taking things personally. I took everything (yes, everything) personally when my kids were little, and it was exhausting. But when I finally accepted that “other people’s stuff is their stuff,” and it’s not about me, it was positively liberating.
When a family member or student pushes your buttons, usually they’re not doing it manipulatively (even if you think they are). When you “take the bait,” they get the results they want, a distraction from whatever was making them uncomfortable. It’s up to you to resist the temptation to let it become about you. They may be pushing, but the buttons are yours.
A fundamental component of the coach approach is simply this: keep yourself out of it. As Wendy Mogel says in The Blessing of a Skinned Knee, whenever possible we want to “remain calm, casual, firm and matter-of-fact.”
Say Yes to Redefining Success
“Success is liking yourself, liking what you do, and liking how you do it.” —Maya Angelou
In the early years of the twenty-first century, Dr. David Rock wrote in Psychology Today, “People everywhere seem to be experiencing an epidemic of overwhelm.” He pointed to two explanations: the volume of information we process and the cost of distractions. And that was written before every child had a supercomputer in their pocket.
We process something like 70,000 thoughts per day, and we are exposed to excessive amounts of new information in an interruption-driven environment of social media and technology. Consider how that impacts people with complex brains and lagging executive function skills! And yet, somehow, we continue to hold Ozzie and Harriet as the gold standard in a world moving at the speed of George and Jane Jetson.
We’re moving fast as lightning, trying to respond to the stimuli coming at us. But breakneck speed is an unsustainable course. It’s not that I don’t want success. It’s just that, to be honest, life in the twenty-first century, even with all of our time-saving technologies, feels like we’re constantly playing dodgeball while being expected to serve the perfect game of tennis on the same court.
Today’s performance expectations fly in the face of reason. It’s unreasonable to expect ourselves to achieve mastery in nearly every aspect of our lives. And yet we do. This is all the more unfair for our complex kids, who are often specialists living in a generalists’ world.
My life is no different from yours. We’re all feeling it: the realm of unreasonable expectations. It’s almost as if we are setting ourselves up for failure, but then we’re shocked to discover it’s a possible outcome.
What does it look like to redefine success in this era?
• Let things go.
• Get clear on what’s really important.
• Embrace “good enough” when appropriate (see Chapter 8).
• Say no to constant obligations.
• Loosen up when things just don’t matter.
• Choose where to focus instead of trying to focus on everything.
Ultimately, redefining success means setting our own expectations instead of looking to the outside world to define them for us. It means basing those expectations on our values or passions rather than on some prescribed societal norms that tell us what we’re supposed to do.
When I talk with groups of parents about success, there’s general agreement that we would all benefit from lightening the load on our kids and on ourselves as parents. So the time has come to renegotiate our relationship with perfectionism, reacquaint ourselves with new ideals of excellence, and redefine what success looks like in this modern world. For example, putting time limits on homework can prevent twelve-year-olds from burning the midnight oil; celebrating a child’s efforts can reduce the sting of a test that doesn’t go so well.
Success is in the mind of the beholder. I challenge you to redefine it in terms of what is beneficial for your kids. Let go of your own (and others’) preconceived notions and begin creating new expectations that come from knowing your kids for who they are, rather than someone else’s “shoulds.”
As a recovering perfectionist, this is hard for me (see Chapter 8). Every day I make the effort to redefine success in terms that make sense for my family, and for me.
• I remind my husband that a 90 is still an A when he judges his own performance too harshly.
• I encourage my dyslexic daughter to be thrilled with a B on a Lit paper.
• And I own my mistakes vocally and make the effort to forgive myself … daily.
That’s what I call success.
Self-Talk: Trust Your Instincts
I got off to a rocky start with parenting, starting in pregnancy and continuing for more than a decade. To say I wasn’t a confident parent is a vast understatement. I worried about everything. I didn’t trust that my kids were getting enough food or growing appropriately. I questioned whether I was doing anything right at all. Whatever confidence I might have mustered going into parenting was gone by the time my first child was six months old.
I spent the first 10 years dancing with doubt, governed by an internal script: “What if they find out that you have no idea what you’re doing? What if you’re messing up these kids and it’s all your fault that they’re having such a hard time?”
The person whose opinion I needed to trust the most was the one I trusted the least—me.
Occasionally I’d have good days or weeks, but inevitably something would happen with one of my kiddos that would derail me and throw me back into the depths of self-doubt. My definition of success was a perfectionist ideal, and my sense of self-worth was inextricably linked with it: when my kids were hitting appropriate milestones, I was a good mom. When they were failing to hit milestones, I was a bad mom.
Truly my sense of myself was only as strong as any one of my children’s worst day.
Our lives have changed dramatically in the dozen-plus years since I discovered that believing in myself and trusting myself was the secret ingredient to effective parenting. Truth is, I had to learn to trust myself as a parent. It didn’t come naturally.
Learning to trust your instincts is an essential part of the coach approach, a way of parenting that works for you and your kids. You may not feel it at first, but it’s okay to “fake it ’til you make it.” Because as you begin to lead yourself, you’ll begin to lead your family with confidence.
What is it to trust your instincts?
• Allow yourself to make decisions and take action based on your own values or compass.
• Live according to your own expectations, not everyone else’s.
• Know that whatever comes up, you are resourceful enough to figure out how to handle it.
• Let go of needing to know what’s going to happen, and trust you’ll make clear decisions when needed.
How do you actually trust your own instincts?
• Set clear, consistent expectations and communicate them; be flexible enough to roll with changes as they arise. Inevitably they will.
• Apologize and take responsibility for your mistakes. You don’t need to exert control when you’re operating from internal authority.
• Let go of your need to be right and for your kids to be perfect. Teach your kids to learn from mistakes without blame or shame.
Kids do best when their parents believe things are going to be okay. When kids see their parents acting with confidence (rather than controlling out of fear), it fosters cooperation and trust, inviting them to believe in themselves.
If you have stepped (even occasionally) into confidence and learned to trust your instincts when raising complex kids, please take a moment to celebrate. Give yourself some credit. It’s not easy to do when you get so many messages to the contrary.
If you’re not feeling confident, if you’re worried about your child’s self-esteem, if you’re second-guessing your decisions, or if you’re never quite comfortable with the choices you’re making, I want to invite you to get some help to do something different. Start with one step. Attend a retreat, join a coaching group, register for online parent training, start morning affirmations, read the blog on ImpactParents.com, commit to finishing this book—do something to help you build your confidence, one step at a time.
I speak from experience: confidence is a muscle you can strengthen. When you do, everyone in your family will benefit.
Questions for Self-Discovery
• Which of your relationships would you like to improve?
• What does “change starts with you” mean to you?
• How do tasks interfere with your relationships?
• When do you tend to take things personally?
• How do you want to redefine success?
• When do you trust your instincts?