“If, however, we are preoccupied with the fear and despair in us, we can’t help remove the suffering of others.” —THICH NHAT HANH
On the surface, the first decade of my adult family life looked ideal: a loving marriage; three bright, beautiful children; a nice home; a strong community; good friends; and a close family. If Facebook had been around back then, it would have appeared picture perfect—to the outside world.
On the inside, things always felt on the verge of collapse. My loving, playful husband was inattentive to the family, hyperfocused on his business to an unhealthy extent. My children were missing typical milestones (basic scissor use at age 3, introductory reading at age 5), and every teacher conference was a potential minefield. My friends gave me guilt-inducing advice starting with, “If you would just … ,” without understanding the challenges I was facing. Frankly neither did I.
When my youngest child was recommended for evaluation at the ripe old age of 4, his older siblings were already being treated for multiple issues. I wondered, “Is my husband really responsible for all of this neurology?” I asked my child’s psychiatrist if I might have issues that would explain why I was struggling too. She said, “No honey, you’re just a mom.”
Being “just a mom” to complex kids turned out to be the most difficult job of my life. Nothing I had ever done or learned prepared me for the challenges—lives filled with therapists, specialists, tutors, school accommodations, special education programs, and so much more. I spent the first decade of parenthood fumbling through the darkness, isolated and alone (despite being in a loving marriage).
Around age 40, I finally had myself evaluated and discovered undiagnosed learning and attention issues. Suddenly, my whole life made sense.
Surrounded by loving family and friends and supportive schools and providers, I had spent more than a decade lost, scared, and confused, alternating between denial and decisive action. I tackled the “problems,” but never really understood the big picture of what it meant to be raising “complex kids.” As pieces slowly fell into place, propelled by nutritional changes and the addition of coaching for me, life began to transform—for the whole family.
We can’t eliminate our kids’ complex issues (though heaven knows I tried), but I’m here to tell you this: we can damn sure help them learn to manage their issues.
And then, I had my Scarlett O’Hara moment. I was camping, alone on a cabin porch, marveling at how things had improved in such a short time. I looked up to the sky, raised my fist, and said aloud to myself, “As God is my witness, no parent should ever have to go through alone what I did those first 10 years.” In time, I realized a deeper truth: no parent or child should ever have to go through what my kids and I did those first ten years. Or what my husband faced in his childhood and into adulthood. Or what I, my siblings, or my friends did. Something had to change—for all of us.
As you no doubt already know, parenting complex kids is not for the faint of heart. Frankly, being a complex kid is no picnic, either. But it doesn’t have to be so isolating, overwhelming, confusing, or scary. We can’t eliminate our kids’ complex issues (though heaven knows I tried), but I’m here to tell you this: we can damn sure help them learn to manage their issues.
Every week, parents I’ve never spoken with before open their hearts to me. They are the parents of all kinds of complex kids, of all ages, from all over the world. They call or video chat me for “Sanity Sessions.” I listen, hear their stories, acknowledge their experiences—and let them know how we can help them help their kids or refer them to someone who can.
I love this part of my work, and I take my responsibility seriously. Their kids are complicated, struggling to hit typical milestones in life and in learning. Many parents have never had a chance to tell their story, or they feel like no one in their lives wants to listen. They describe the wide array of challenges their kids are facing, such as ADHD, anxiety, learning disabilities, depression, ODD, autism, and so much more. And they share frustrations and fears that their kids will not lead independent, successful, or fulfilling lives.
Parents confide in me: They know there’s more they could be doing, if only they knew how; sometimes they don’t like their kids or don’t enjoy parenting; they’ve already done so much to support their child, and it has cost them dearly, both financially and emotionally.
And, heartbroken, they tell me that nothing seems to have made much of a difference up until now.
And you know what?
No matter how old the parents or grandparents are, how old their kids, where they live in the world, their level of education, or their socioeconomic condition—truly, no matter how different they are from each other—they have more in common than all of their differences combined. Sometimes, they all feel isolated and judged.
Frustrated by tension in the family or worried for their child’s future, they tend to want the same things (besides asking me to come live in their house for a few months!). They want:
• a sense of peace and confidence.
• to improve their family’s relationships.
• to know that their kid is going to be okay.
They want a clear path, a how-to manual, so they can do the best job possible as parents.
This book is designed to be that interactive how-to manual. It’s for parents of complex kids and the professionals serving their families. It doesn’t delve into extensive details about any particular childhood condition, per se; instead, it fills the gaps, offering a playbook for any adult looking to support the complex kids who need their care.
Drawing from the foundational principles of professional coaching and change management, we’ll explore the steps of the Impact Model, which I developed together with my business partner in ImpactParents®, Diane Dempster. With this simple and profoundly effective approach to problem-solving, you’ll immediately apply key concepts and fundamental strategies to daily life, ultimately creating lasting change. Before you know it, you’ll be parenting or teaching like a coach—and rediscovering the joy of raising complex kids.
This book walks you through a simple method for parent management in a way that’s easy to process and remember, weaving essential concepts and strategies into every section. The short, digestible sections make it easy to process. I’d like you to start from the beginning and read to the end because you’ll uncover something new and immediately useful with the turn of every page.
But realistically, it’s highly unlikely that everyone will read the book cover to cover. I don’t take that personally. How you use this book—as with everything in life—is up to you. Just as there’s no one way to raise a complex kid, there’s no one way to read this book. Certainly, you’ll get the most out of it if you read it all the way through, but I want to give you permission to read it how it serves you best.
How you process information, how you invest your time, how worried you are, your intentions, your motivation, and your follow-through will determine how you use this book. Maybe you will:
• Start from the beginning and find immense value, then perhaps get distracted as your life starts to improve.
• Start with a chapter that appeals to you and seems like a quick fix (or an easy win).
• Start with quotes, images, or subheadings.
• Just read the strategies section in each chapter.
• Read the whole thing.
So, let me offer you a little cheat sheet highlighting what the sections or chapters will provide, so you can identify what’s most important for you. As you decide what to read, you’ll practice the Impact Action Model:
1. Decide what’s important.
2. Gather information.
3. Set a plan.
4. Take action.
5. Expect changes to the plan, modify it, and then try again.
6. Take care of yourself in the process.
Sound like a recipe for managing life?
Part One (Chapters 1–4): Covers your role in handling key issues facing your kids, so you can guide them on their path to independence. Whether your child has brain-based issues (such as ADHD, anxiety, learning disabilities, sensory processing, oppositional defiant disorder [ODD], autism, bipolar, attachment, depression, Tourette syndrome, etc.) or metabolic issues (such as juvenile diabetes, celiac disease, food allergies, etc.), they are complex because of a chronic medical condition (or several) children need to learn to manage for themselves in order to ultimately be successful in life.
Part Two (Chapters 5–10): Explains how to use each step of the Impact Model in real life, with specific examples and strategies. Chapters 6, 7, and 8 differentiate this method from other parenting paradigms.
Part Three (Chapters 11–12): Provides a guide to taking action, evaluating, and modifying. It’s unreasonable to expect that everything you try will work right away, so you’ll learn strategies to tweak efforts and improve outcomes.
Storytelling: Although this quick story may not describe your particular experience, it captures the essence of something familiar, providing a foundational framework for the chapter.
Stating the Problem: Getting clear on the “problem” you’re trying to solve is an often overlooked but essential component of problem-solving and creating lasting change.
Coach’s Reframe: A coaching perspective for each problem reveals new possibilities for action. Changing perspectives influences outcomes.
Recommended Strategy: Based on the problem and the reframe, this is a tangible strategy to implement immediately.
Say No: You can let go of old ideas, patterns, or behaviors to improve the effectiveness of the strategy.
Say Yes: You can add to (or keep in) your repertoire to enhance effectiveness and set yourself up for success.
Self-Talk for Self-Care: Helpful, encouraging mindsets to improve self-care instead of adding to your to-do list.
Questions for Self-Discovery: I strongly encourage you to start a journal so these powerful questions can extend and guide your self-discovery long after you close the book.
Language can be a powerful tool for effective communication. It can also be used (or perceived) as a weapon of destruction. Sometimes the difference between the two is a thin line. Throughout this book, I’ll be very specific about language:
• Sometimes I’ll suggest how you might say things to make it easier for kids (or coparents or teachers) to hear.
• I’ll caution about certain words or expressions that tend to trigger defensive reactions.
• I’ll raise your awareness of the power of words and tone, encouraging you to use them to build connection in your most precious, important relationships.
• I’ll warn of the unintended impact you can have when you don’t think carefully about what you say and how you say it.
As our kids mature, they continue to ask new things of us as parents. In 2018, my eldest came out as nonbinary and asked me to start using the gender-inclusive pronoun “they.” To be candid, as a writer, I find the language awkward, so it’s been a difficult transition. Mostly I’m just not accustomed to it yet.
To honor my child’s shift in pronouns—and to practice so it becomes more natural—I use the singular they more often than the traditional he or she throughout this book. I hope you’ll grant me some grace as I make the effort to meet my kid where they are. I’m committed to staying with it until I am as comfortable with it as their generation (thankfully) seems to be.
Although the stories and examples are generally directed to parents, the methodology is every bit as instructive for other professionals who work with students and their families—including teachers, tutors, therapists, counselors, clinical providers, and in-home behaviorists. Any adult can use a coach approach to enroll young people to take ownership of their lives.
Finally this book is also relevant for adults who are facing challenging conditions themselves. Many of us never learned to understand and manage anxiety, ADHD, or whatever else makes life difficult as adults. So (almost) everything offered in this book is equally applicable to adults. If you want to embrace your unique complications in life and learn to become your best self, you can use this method to manage yourself too. It works for me, my husband, my young adult kids, and thousands of our members and clients around the globe—every day.
• What do you hope this book will help you achieve?
• Which parts interest you? Which chapters?
• Which sections in each chapter appeal to you most?
• What’s important about changing your language and your tone?
• How do you resist taking care of yourself?
• Who do you want to help by reading this book? (Hint: this could be a trick question.)