I CREATED A RELATIONSHIP IN MY MIND CUPCAKES

MPB

Hello, you little cupcakes with overactive imaginations.

I have a dessert and story for you!

I’ve created many a relationship in my mind. There was the time a celebrity favorited three of my tweets and I thought we were in love. Or when I had coffee with a guy once a week to discuss his life (therapy) and thought it was going to turn into a marriage, and hopefully a long, strung-out artistic relationship before that. I mean, I have five pretend relationships happening in my mind right now, and fifteen Snapchat affairs that I have to keep track of as well. It’s so hard!

Every now and then, I forget that these relationships are in my mind and I believe they are real. I fall in love with the idea of someone, as we all do. Once I was very positive I had found the one, or a one, or a summer one. I was doing a boring internship and had plenty of time to let my mind wander. I got very friendly with one of the other interns, a guy named Sam. We ate lunch together every day and hung out almost every weekend at the beach. Slowly our relationship started to get flirtier. I made sure to wear a V-neck every day. That’s how I knew it was real. There was even a little bit of drunken snuggling in the backseat of a cab once. This, combined with my surefire analysis of his psyche (he’d never be as smart or successful as his father and therefore hated himself and I could save him), made me certain we were basically a couple.

One night he had a party at his house. Slowly everyone shuffled out and I, drunkenly, decided not to go. My friends wanted to go. I ignored all their texts and basically forced them to leave without me. This was my night.

Soon, when almost everyone was gone, Sam noticed I was still there. He came over and invited me to spend the night, but not at all in the way I would have liked him to. He said something like: “Well, it’s very late. I feel sorry for you. And all your friends are gone. Do you need to stay? Did you come alone?” Hopeful, I said yes. Sam grabbed my hand and walked me to his bedroom. Here it was. We were finally going to consummate our summerlong flirtation. It was The Notebook, but drunk and slobbery and falling over.

He turned the knob to his room, where we found ten dudes sharing two twin beds, and a few more on the floor. It was a slumber party for twenty-two-year-old college boys. Some of the guys were kind enough to get off the second bed and Sam and I shared it. Then there were knocks at the door. More of their friends were trying to file in. Joy! My night of love! Finally, someone took a stand. Sam’s best friend, Adam, valiantly said, “No, we hate those guys. Miranda, can you please make some believable sex noises so these assholes think you’re fucking Sam?” Sam was dead asleep at this point. This inquiry, while slightly offensive, did prove to me that Adam noticed I was a girl. I was happy about this. Wanting to save the night, I accepted the challenge. This seemed like something that would happen in a movie, so I had to say yes. Also, I felt I could probably turn a few of the guys on with my special noises, and I needed to raise my self-esteem however I could in that exact moment.

I was successful. The boys were turned away. Everyone cheered for me and then went to bed.

I rested my head next to snoring Sam and took off my bra just in case he snuggled me in the night. I think I stroked his hair or something as I lay next to him. He was drunk, and I wanted to take care of him, braless.

In the morning, he woke up surprised to find me next to him and immediately offered to drive me to my friend’s house. We were silent in the car. I do think there might have been something between us that summer, but it was probably just friendship.

When I got home the next night, I cried. I was all alone. My parents were out of town and I was staying with them. The weekend hangover was settling in and I realized there had never been a real relationship at all. There was only the idea of him, and that is a sad thing to lose. It’s a really sad thing to lose. Fantasies sometimes keep us going. Fantasies are the best drugs.

What I needed on that Sunday night was something sweet to make the comedown a little bit easier and an activity to distract myself. What I needed was to make these cupcakes. And I wish I had.

MAKES 2 DOZEN CUPCAKES

INGREDIENTS

2 cups granulated sugar

4 eggs

2½ cups all-purpose flour

1 cup milk (any fat percentage will work, or use nondairy milk)

¾ cup vegetable oil

2¼ teaspoons baking powder

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

¼ cup raspberry preserves (you can make your own Texting Jitters Jam on here)

Easy Chocolate Frosting (see here), Cream Cheese Frosting (see here), or prepared icing of your choice

Fresh raspberries, for garnish

DIRECTIONS

• Preheat the oven to 350°F.

• Line two 12-cup cupcake pans with paper liners (or grease the cups with butter or cooking spray).

• In a large mixing bowl, beat the sugar and eggs together with an electric mixer until slightly thickened, about 1 minute. Alternately, use a whisk and beat for 2 to 3 minutes.

• Add the flour, milk, oil, baking powder, and vanilla extract and beat for another minute, just until the batter is smooth and creamy. Fill the prepared cups two-thirds of the way.

• Place a teaspoon of raspberry preserves into each cupcake and swirl it with a spoon.

• Bake for 30 to 45 minutes, or until the tops are golden and a toothpick poked into the center comes out clean.

• Let the cupcakes cool completely in the pan, then frost as desired. Top each one with a fresh raspberry.

• Go outside. Talk to a real human.