9

WITH FRENEMIES LIKE THESE

Gaslighting in Friendships

PERHAPS IT GOES WITHOUT SAYING BY THIS POINT IN THE BOOK THAT people we consider our friends can gaslight us, too. The word frenemy comes to mind. This colorful word describing friction-filled friendships has become so common that in 2010 it was even added to the Oxford English Dictionary, with this definition: “a person with whom one is friendly despite a fundamental dislike or rivalry.” Doesn’t this sound like your friendship with a gaslighter? He does things that really, really bother you, but you hang in there. You get nothing good from the friendship—likely because you got used to gaslighters early in your life and this seems normal. You might think, What would I do without this “friend”? Well, for starters, you would have a happier life!

In this chapter, you’ll learn how to handle gaslighting friends and neighbors—people with whom, through choice or chance, you may have more day-to-day contact than you do with your relatives. We’ll look at the particular dynamics of these relationships and how to protect yourself from their destruction.

Like all gaslighters, gaslighting friends feed off of human misery. They are emotional vampires—you feel exhausted after spending time with them. They want to know all about the terrible things that have happened to you—in great detail. Then, they pay little attention when you want to tell them about something good. Gaslighters have no interest in what is going well for anyone else. They see your successes as ways that you are “one-upping” them. You are their competition. This is because gaslighters view the world as having limited resources. They erroneously believe that if you are having success, there is less success available to them. They can’t grasp the concept that being happy for the people around them can also lead to their own greater happiness and success. Tragic for them, but that doesn’t mean you have to put up with it.

Beware the Gossip

Gaslighters are terrible gossips. They love learning unfortunate tidbits of people’s lives and sharing it with others. It is the fuel they thrive on. It gives gaslighters a feeling of power and control over others. People’s personal information is like currency to them—sharing it gets them attention they crave. The difference between your run-of-the-mill gossiper and a gaslighter is that the gaslighter uses the information about others as a way to gain power and pit people against each other, whereas the gossiper is usually more of a yenta, or busybody. The gossiper is just passing information to others (albeit inappropriately), whereas the gaslighter wields information like a weapon.

“I had a miscarriage, and my gaslighting friend wanted to know about it in detail—how much I suffered, and how much pain I was in. She would come to my house unannounced. Then, when I had my baby, she was nowhere to be found. She didn’t even call to congratulate me.”

—Sondra, 30

If you suspect that a friend is a gaslighter, think about how he talks about other people to you. Does he gossip about them and seem to thrive on their misfortunes? This is a sure sign of a gaslighter, and I can guarantee that he is talking about you to them, too. If you think you’re being gaslighted and you don’t relish the idea of being the subject of gossip, be sure to limit the amount of information you disclose to this friend. Don’t give him any ammunition. In addition, if he does start to gossip about someone else, don’t stand there and listen. Your silence is a form of complicity. You’re saying that hurting others is acceptable to you.

“My neighbor would tell me about another neighbor’s problems with her husband. Right then I knew to never tell her any stuff about me.”

—Amanda, 25

It’s human nature to gossip. It makes us feel connected and important. But stop and think about what it would feel like if the target was you. What if you were to discover that something personal you’d told a friend in confidence had been spread around? You’d probably feel betrayed and hurt. Gossip doesn’t sound so enticing anymore, does it?

A good rule to follow in general, but especially with gaslighters, is to not talk about a person if that individual is not present. There are also ways to stop gaslighters when they are gossiping:

Say, “I don’t know whether she would want me to know that.”

Change the subject.

Walk away.

One word of caution here: Don’t think you can change gaslighters’ dishing about other people who are out of earshot. Gaslighters will never stop gossiping—they will just move on to another person so they can “spill the beans.”

Don’t Take the Bait: Splitting and Lying

You’ll remember from Chapter 1 that gaslighters are great at splitting. They will purposely pit people against each other. They love to see a fight, and get excited by the fact that they made the fight happen. One of the most common ways gaslighters practice splitting is by telling you that a friend said something unflattering or unkind about you. The gaslighter will either try to bait you by saying, “I heard something about you today,” hoping you will ask what that “something” was, or they will directly tell you, “Susie said she doesn’t like how you treat your kids.” Gaslighters are particularly fond of saying someone was criticizing your parenting skills. They know that gets people really riled up.

“My so-called friend would tell me what other friends said about me. It was some vicious stuff, and understandably it got me so upset. I’m not even sure they said those things. I’m thinking my ‘friend’ was lying.”

—Lynn, 37

You may be really tempted to find out what Susie said about you. First, keep in mind that unless you heard something directly from Susie, chances are that the gaslighter made it up. The gaslighter is betting you will go up to Susie and say, “How dare you say I’m not a good parent.” Susie will most likely say in return, “I never said anything like that!”

If gaslighters tell you someone said something about you, automatically assume it is false. Gaslighters have no problem lying, especially when it means having greater power over others. This is because if gaslighters don’t have anything to gossip about, they will make it up. One of the most dangerous facets of their propensity for gossiping is that they don’t care whether they are spreading lies. Gaslighters know that people are curious about what others are doing, so they will immediately make up gossip as a way to distract from their own bad behavior. This is a technique they will use especially when you were about to call them out on their behavior.

When gaslighters hint that someone said something about you, they are “baiting” you. They are betting you’ll go for that bait like a hungry fish. If you take the bait, this gives gaslighters a tremendous feeling of power. So, how do you refuse to take the bait? By saying “oh” or “okay.” When your gaslighter says something like, “I heard something about you from Sally,” just saying “oh,” with a flat affect will usually stop the gaslighter in his tracks. If he tries to bait you again, use the “broken record” technique—repeat “oh” or “okay” until he stops. And really, who cares whether someone said something about you? People are free to say whatever they want about anyone. As they say, What other people think of you is none of your business.

“I had a gaslighting friend who would constantly tell me that mutual friends were talking about me. Finally I just told her, ‘Oh, that’s nice,’ whenever she started up. She stopped doing it eventually. I guess she got bored of my nonresponse.”

—Harvey, 42

Another reason gaslighters practice splitting, besides to pit people against each other, is to isolate you from others. Gaslighters would love nothing more than for you to view them as your only friend. That way, gaslighters think, you will devote all your attention to them. Gaslighting friends will even go so far as to use splitting to try to isolate you from your spouse/partner and family. They will tell you that your spouse said something unflattering about you. Gaslighters know that most people will stew over this and eventually explode. They’d love to be the cause of a fight between you and your spouse. Don’t give them that power. If a friend tells you that your spouse said something harsh about you, it’s always best to check it out with your spouse—or forget it—rather than to give in to the temptation to think the worst.

Their Real Goal in Befriending Your Spouse or Partner

Gaslighters will often go to lengths to form a special bond with your spouse/partner. Be very wary. Do not tell gaslighters when you are going out of town without your spouse. Gaslighters will find a way to get your spouse alone with them. They will text your partner that they need help at their house and possibly show up unannounced at your house. They will pretend to be a good friend to your spouse, and will emphasize how good they are at listening. Gaslighters know exactly what many people in long-term relationships want to hear. This has nothing to do with whether you have a healthy relationship or not—anyone wants to feel listened to and needed. Even if you have a solid relationship, gaslighters have an uncanny ability to know what your spouse might need to feel better about herself. Gaslighter detect it and hone in on it. It is all part of a game to gaslighters—they are never truly empathic or supportive. They just want to find a way to get closer to your spouse.

“My husband showed me a text from my gaslighting friend, saying that she needed help with her dishwasher. This was followed with a winking emoji. My husband texted back the names of some appliance repair people. She never contacted him again.”

—Hannah, 28

Gaslighters will focus on stealing your spouse, particularly if you have disclosed that you are having problems in your relationship. Whatever information you tell the gaslighters, they will use that to get your spouse hooked. If you confided in gaslighters that you are having medical issues, they may say to your spouse, “It must be really difficult having a spouse that is sick.” They may also subtly (or not so subtly) point out their own good health—“I’m so glad I work out every day.” Their goal with these comments is for your spouse to be aware that there is someone “better” out there who is less of a “burden.” Gaslighters don’t need to come right out and say it—inferring it is enough.

As we discussed in Chapter 1, gaslighters will slowly ramp up their behavior; they know it’s easier to manipulate people that way. If a gaslighter knocked on your door and said to your partner, “Hi, I’m going to sleep with you,” it wouldn’t nearly be as effective as a slow ramp-up. Instead, the gaslighter will build emotional intimacy with your spouse over time. They are practicing the “cognitive empathy” we looked at in Chapter 1, working from what they think a person should feel and not how they really feel, because they don’t have the capacity for real empathy.

These friends will “groom” your partner. They will slowly increase their visits when you are not home—and how odd that their washing machine breaks only when you are out of town. At first, gaslighters may not make obviously flirtatious or sexual comments—it may just be a smile or a compliment. The next time, there are innuendos, then standing too close, up to full physical contact.

Sure, there may be times when it appears that a gaslighter and your partner are just hanging out as friends. However, gaslighters almost always have ulterior motives. Never trust them alone with your spouse. There’s just no good reason why gaslighters would need to spend time with your spouse while you aren’t there.

You may want to warn your spouse about the gaslighter. “There’s something off about Betty. If she comes to the house while I’m gone, please don’t let her in,” or “I think Betty is trying to hook up with you—please don’t go to her house if she asks you to fix something. We need to set solid boundaries with her.” Your spouse may say, “Don’t be silly, Betty is just a nice person. She’s a single mother and needs the help.” Your response? “I’ve seen behaviors that are concerning to me. I will go ahead and give her a list of people that can do home repairs.” Keep in mind, again, that people love attention. Gaslighters can act so sweet and innocent, and it’s understandable that your spouse may not see them as destructive.

How can you be sure you’re not just having your own issues with jealousy? With a gaslighter, you’ll have seen a pattern of deceitful behavior. Maybe you’ve seen a gaslighting friend manipulate other people. Maybe she has tried pitting you against another friend. It’s reasonable to assume she lacks boundaries. Maybe you’ve heard about her hitting on other people’s partners. If, when you see how your friend behaves around your spouse, you get a gut feeling that there is something amiss, trust your instincts. They are almost always right.

The lesser goal here is to separate you from your spouse—so you’ll have more time to devote to the gaslighter. The greater goal, however, is to “steal” your partner away from you. The gaslighter sees taking your partner as a game to be won. She doesn’t care about you, your spouse, or your relationship. She certainly doesn’t care about your feelings. As we’ve seen, gaslighters are serial cheaters. Do you think they really care that they are destroying a relationship and family? No. In fact, they live off this kind of “winning.”

If your spouse does wind up having an affair with a gaslighter but wants to work things out with you, seriously consider ending the relationship. Once your spouse breaks off the affair with the gaslighter, things can get ugly very quickly. Gaslighters will stop at nothing to destroy your family if they feel they’ve been “wronged.” Never mind that they wronged you in the first place—that fact is lost on gaslighters.

If your spouse has run off with a gaslighter, the joke is on him. When a gaslighter “steals” a spouse, it’s as if she has a new toy. It’s fun for a while, and then she tosses that toy in the pile with the others. Meanwhile, you have dodged a bullet. You can actually be thankful that you got to see the true character of your spouse.

Whatever happens, remember that this affair is not your fault. The responsibility fully lies with the gaslighter and your spouse. Gaslighters are amazingly good at faking empathy, and your gaslighting friend will likely know exactly what to say that will attract your spouse. There is probably nothing you could have done to prevent this turn of events. Just try to learn from it and avoid the same dynamics in the future.

When Your Child’s Friend Has a Gaslighting Parent

A particularly tricky gaslighting dynamic is when your child’s friend has a gaslighting parent. Say this parent has shown that he doesn’t have good boundaries. He shares school pickup and drop-off with you. If you confront the gaslighter about his lack of boundaries, instead of answering you directly, he may “forget” to pick up your child for school. He may get you involved in some classroom drama with other parents. He may pit you against other parents, or even school administration. Your name may “accidentally” be taken off a parent volunteer list or other important roster, and later you find out that the gaslighter told your child’s teacher that you had requested to be removed. The method is passive-aggression. The goal is to punish you and to cause chaos.

“My daughter had her friend over to play. I knew her mom was manipulative and I had really distanced myself from her. I didn’t think it was fair to punish my daughter and her friend for the mother being crazy though. That night I get a phone call from her mother, screaming and cursing at me. She accused me of not watching the kids, and that her daughter had bruises on her. I swear, when that child left my house, there was not a mark on her.”

—Rosa, 34

If you drop the gaslighter as a friend, you will be inconvenienced with having to do the school transport all by yourself. But more problematic is that you will still need to see this person at school events and parent organization meetings. Cutting off contact with a gaslighter like this can put you in an inconvenient and uncomfortable situation. However, not cutting off contact means your child still has interactions with the gaslighter—and that can lead to big problems down the line. You can tell the teacher that the gaslighter is to have limited contact with your child, and that the gaslighter is not authorized to send along any messages from you. The gaslighter is certainly not allowed to pick up your child from school, for any reason, no matter what he tells school staff.

“My daughter’s friend told me that she thought about wanting to die. I immediately called her mother, who is a very manipulative woman. She told me her daughter was just being dramatic! I told her this was really serious, and I would call 911. She screamed and screamed at me, I can’t even repeat the things she called me.”

—Emily, 43

You will also have to deal with the potential difficulties of having the gaslighter’s child in your life. For example, driving the gaslighter’s child in your car or having him at your home also opens you up to possible liability. You will get blamed for something that the gaslighter said happened to his child, whether or not it actually did. Gaslighters love blaming and getting revenge. While you may feel bad for the gaslighter’s child, and as a decent human being want to support the child in some way, it is not a good idea.

It is not uncommon for gaslighters to accuse other adults of harming their child. If you are accused, you are stuck—you may have no witnesses except the gaslighter’s child. That sweet child, who you felt sorry for and invited into your home, will lie about you as if their life depended on it (after all, they learned how to survive at the gaslighter’s knee). What are you to do? Take photos of the gaslighter’s child when he leaves your house to show he has no marks or bruises on him? It’s an impossible and dangerous game to play. This only goes two ways: you can either stop having the gaslighter’s child in your home or car or open yourself up to having the gaslighter accuse you of neglecting or abusing her child. The choice is clear.

First, tell the gaslighter that because of these false accusations, it’s in both of your best interests to no longer have the gaslighter’s child in your home. When you frame this action as being best for both of you, the gaslighter will usually put up less resistance or make less of a scene. How do you explain to your child that his friend can no longer come over? One option is to hold off talking about it until the issue arises. Let’s say your younger child says she wants Johnny to come over after school tomorrow. You could say, “I’m sorry, that’s not possible. Let’s come up with something else we could do.” Younger children are easily distracted, and are ready to move on to the next thing. If your child is older, you could say, “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

If your child pushes, you can respond with, “Some things have happened that make that not a possibility.” You are under no obligation to tell your child the details—nor does she need to know all that information. Keep in mind that whatever you tell your child may get back to the gaslighter’s child, and then to the gaslighter. The more you make it a big deal, the more your kid will make it a big deal.

WHY DO GASLIGHTING FRIENDS BEHAVE THIS WAY?

Gaslighters see friends as commodities or things. They don’t see a need for having a reciprocal or “even” relationship with people. They see friends as stepping-stones and a way to get what they want.

Lack of Attachment

You’ll notice with a gaslighting friend that the friendship is never fully reciprocated. There is no give and take. It’s all take, all the time. While you may feel close to this person and would drop everything to bring her food were there a death in her family, for example, she wouldn’t even call you if there were a death in yours. You would gladly help your gaslighting friend move into her new house, but when you need help moving, she’s nowhere to be found. In a friendship with a gaslighter, you are doing all the giving, and your gaslighting friend is doing all the taking. This includes taking your time and energy until you are exhausted.

Gaslighting friends blame you for not doing enough for them, or won’t be there for you in your time of need—even when you have given and given until you can’t give anymore. You are exhausted just from having this one person in your life. You must understand that you will never fulfill gaslighters’ narcissistic needs. They are a bottomless pit.

“I am always there for my neighbor, whatever she needs. But when I need something? Crickets.”

—Yasmin, 35

Why do they do this? Gaslighters scurry away from healthy attachments to other relationships that they can control. They may act like your best friend today but will disappear if they find someone who seems “better,” “more fun,” or of higher social status. To gaslighters, it’s all about appearance. Because of their “all or nothing” cognitive distortion, they can’t manage having more than one friend at a time. Either Friend A is 100 percent wonderful and Friend B is 100 percent terrible, or vice versa. There is no middle ground. Gaslighters will leave you high and dry with no explanation. While you are searching online for answers or asking other friends what you did to make such people completely ignore you, the gaslighters have moved on to their next victim, their new “best friend.” They do not care. They don’t care about your feelings, and they don’t care about the new friend’s feelings. They lack the capacity. They have no ability to function as an empathic, decent human being.

“When my friend’s mother died, I brought over food, offered to watch her kids—but when my dad died, I never heard from her. Never even texted, much less called.”

—Sammy, 50

The best thing to do is to stop expecting gaslighters to be something they are not. They never will be able to empathize with you, or keep a confidence. Neither will they be supportive in your time of need, or be understanding if you are unable to help them at a particular time.

They Don’t Really Want a “Friend”

You’ll notice that gaslighters don’t want a friend as much as they want a pet. They’re looking for “friends” who will be dependent on them and cater to their every whim. Gaslighters don’t know how to form real friendships. You know a healthy friendship when you’re in one, but let’s take a closer look. A healthy friendship is based on:

Mutual respect

Mutual admiration

Being your authentic selves

Sharing mutual interests

Having similar values

“A friend of mine was always sweet and giving—until one time I told her I didn’t want to go shopping with her. It was like a monster took over. She sent me texts telling me what a bitch and loser I was.”

—Daria, 25

You share a sense of what’s important in life—love, commitment, caring, respect, diversity, and much more.

If you take a good look at your friendship with a gaslighter, you’ll see that it does not meet your core values of love, respect, and caring. This is because gaslighters don’t feel these things for other people. Remember, you can’t change other people’s values or how they treat you. If you find yourself in a “friendship” with a gaslighter, your only real choice is to end it.

Lack of Authenticity

Throughout this book, we’ve seen this quality of inauthenticity in gaslighters. They put on a show, acting the way they think they should act to get what they want. When you look at your most fulfilling friendships, I’m sure you notice that you can be yourself with these friends—there is no judgment. They accept you as you are and care about you as you are. As we’ve been seeing, this is not the case with gaslighters. Oh, they’ll start out being friendly—and charming and even generous—but then turn on you quickly. The person you thought you knew was not real.

“I saw something kind of scary—a friend of mine, who was being cordial with guests at her party, turned around and it was like a mask fell off. Her facial expression completely changed to something I had never seen before—total rage. This was more than just ‘I’m having a bad day and getting through this.’”

—Rose, 60

Gaslighters don’t have a solid grip on who they are as people. They lack what psychologists call an “integrated personality.” An integrated personality means that you have a good sense of who you are—you know your wants, your needs, and you have boundaries of what is healthy and unhealthy. Because of this lack of integrated personality, gaslighters lack the very capacity for being themselves with others—they aren’t sure what their “self” is like. When you try to be friends with gaslighters, things don’t seem to be quite real; they seem put on or fake. Without this basic authenticity, a healthy, intimate friendship simply isn’t possible.

“But I Don’t Want to Lose a Friend”

One of the tricks that gaslighters pull is to manipulate you into being dependent on them. You may feel that your world will fall apart when you no longer have a particular person to lean on. But think back on your friendship. Was the gaslighter really ever there for you when you needed her? Or did she have excuses for why she couldn’t help you, or listen to a concern?

You may be concerned that you will lose the friendship by setting boundaries with the gaslighter, and you probably will. The truth is, you never really had a friend in the gaslighter. What you saw was a carefully orchestrated act to make you think you did. But what I want you to know is this: Now that you know what to watch for and how to evaluate the health of your friendships, you are readier than ever to get out there and make new friends. Out of the billions of people in the world, there are plenty who would love to know you.

GASLIGHTING NEIGHBORS

At the beginning of this chapter we talked about how cutting ties with a gaslighting friend can be easier than cutting ties with a gaslighting family member. We get to choose our friends, however emotional and difficult it can be to navigate endings. But there are people in our lives aside from family members whom it’s not so easy to get away from. Namely, neighbors. Sometimes we have the unfortunate burden of living next to a gaslighter. As you read earlier, gaslighters are really good at hiding their true dysfunctional selves. It may take a while to realize what’s happening, but somehow the neighbor who was so sweet when you moved in has now become a nightmare.

If this sounds familiar, if you think your neighbor is a gaslighter, here are a few key tips: Do not disclose personal information to him or her. Also, do not entertain unwanted visits. Request that your neighbor call before stopping by. Be friendly but firm. Also, just because someone is at your door doesn’t mean you have to open it.

Gaslighting neighbors have all kinds of ways of haunting our lives. They may:

Infringe on your property line

Blatantly violate building codes

Be verbally aggressive when you walk by

Get in your personal space

Spread rumors in the neighborhood about you

Ask for favors and get angry if you say no

Not understand why you’ve distanced yourself from them

Get irrationally angry if your dog urinates in their yard

Try to lure your pets over to their yard

Try to poison your pets

Invite you to gossip about other neighbors

Ask you repeatedly about unpleasant events in your life

Tell you about a neighbor that supposedly has said unflattering things about you

Call the police if they feel you are being too loud and on and on.

Keep in mind that most neighbors are not gaslighters. However, if you have one, arm yourself with information or they can turn your once-peaceful home into a living hell.

“My neighbor put aluminum foil on the outside of a window facing our house because I had told him that his floodlights were streaming right into our bedroom. Now I get the floodlights at night and blinding sunlight in the morning.”

—James, 45

Get to know your city’s code enforcement rules. Do what is called “keeping your side of the street clean”—follow your neighborhood’s rules and laws to a T. Chances are, your gaslighting neighbor is watching you like a hawk and waiting for the moment you do something that violates city code, no matter how small the infraction.

Gaslighters are more likely to turn you in if they are constant code violators themselves. This is because gaslighters always accuse people of doing what they are doing themselves—they think they don’t need to follow the same rules everyone else has to follow. Gaslighters are well known for violating city codes. They love to get even with people, even if it is just in their own mind. Make sure you are following these standard “good citizen” rules:

Be meticulous about picking up after your dog.

Never let your dog off-leash.

Be knowledgeable of city noise ordinances and follow them.

Don’t operate loud yard equipment before eight a.m. on a weekday and nine a.m. on a weekend.

“My neighbor yelled at me because my dog was peeing on the strip of grass between the sidewalk and the street. It’s not even her property.”

—Jacqueline, 55

To protect yourself, consider doing the following:

Record the actual noise volume at your parties. Noise violations are often among the first things gaslighters will zero in on.

Do not so much as step on your neighbor’s property.

Keep documentation. As you learned from Chapter 4 on gaslighters in the workplace, it is important to keep legal documentation if you need to consult with an attorney. Record time, date, and direct quotes from your interactions.

If your gaslighting neighbor is infringing on your property, try installing security cameras you can run from your laptop or tablet. They are becoming more and more affordable.

Consult with an attorney.

Stay as far away from your neighbor as possible. This may be difficult if your gaslighting neighbor lives next door, but if they live down at the end of your street, walk or drive by the gaslighter’s house as little as possible. Yes, it may present an inconvenience to you, but it is better to have an inconvenience than stir up trouble with the gaslighter. The gaslighter would have no qualms about telling the police you did something unlawful as you were walking or driving by his house. All it takes is another neighbor to corroborate that you were seen in that area at that time, or a lying neighbor who was intimidated or blackmailed by the gaslighter. This witness doesn’t even have to have seen you do anything—just the fact that they can confirm you were in the area will make life much more difficult for you.

“Our dog ran out the front door. We got him right back inside. But my neighbor called animal control, saying we were irresponsible owners. He looks for anything he can turn us in for.”

—Maude, 30

Tell your kids to avoid going near your neighbor’s house. If your kids ask why, just say that it’s a new rule you have now. If you tell your kids “Because Mr. X is not a nice person,” that will get back to Mr. X—guaranteed. No need to stir things up even more.

If you have outdoor pets, it is also very important that your pet not get into your neighbor’s yard, whether through a breach in the fence or by escaping out the front door. If your pet gets into the neighbor’s yard, a gaslighter may call animal control, or worse, shoot or poison the animal. Believe me, I’ve heard stories that would break your heart. Don’t walk your dog past the neighbor’s house. This sounds extreme, but remember, when you are dealing with a gaslighter, you are dealing with a very unstable and angry person.

Limit contact with your neighbor as much as possible. If you see her at a neighborhood event, act as if she is not there, or excuse yourself. Try to avoid eye contact—the gaslighter will see direct eye contact as a challenge. Many people think that by not making eye contact or talking to a gaslighter, you are somehow “allowing” the gaslighter to continue behaving badly. What you are doing is refraining from provoking the gaslighter into more unstable behavior. Remember, gaslighters do not operate like regular people. Ignoring them or leaving the situation really is the best policy.

You may get to the point where you don’t even want to attend neighborhood get-togethers if you know the gaslighter is going to be there. In time, your neighbors will see the kind of person the gaslighter is, and the gaslighter will be invited to fewer and fewer get-togethers anyway. The gaslighter can only keep up his facade for so long.

Court dockets are filled with cases of neighbors behaving very badly, and restraining orders, in which a judge orders the person to stay a certain distance from you for a defined period of time, are often the only remedy available, however imperfect.

There are cases of a neighbor tormenting a family to the point where the family was granted a restraining order. In one well-publicized case, a woman was actually barred from entering her neighborhood due to the harassment she was dishing out to her neighbors.

In these sorts of cases, gaslighters/defendants view themselves as the wronged one. They mounted their campaigns of revenge, claiming they had legitimate reasons to harass their neighbors. They feel they are justified in doing “whatever it takes” to make the other person “pay,” even if it results in the gaslighters’ being hit with restraining orders, jail time, or probation.

Sometimes the courts are our best or only protection against a gaslighter, but it’s rarely easy street. A restraining order must be approved by a judge, and it states that a person may not initiate contact with you and must stay a certain distance from you at all times. You may qualify for a restraining order if a person poses an imminent or immediate threat to you or your family. For more on restraining orders, see the Resources section at the end of this book.

GASLIGHTING LANDLORDS

There’s one more category of gaslighters to look at here before we turn to our next chapter: your landlord. You know the type. He never fixed your plumbing but he says he did. He claims to have had conversations with you that never actually happened. He comes around when you haven’t contacted him, just to see “how you’re doing.” If you have the unfortunate experience of being stalked or harassed by a landlord, know that there are legal remedies or solutions. First, know your state’s tenant laws. In many states, your landlord has to have a very valid reason for coming around unannounced, or he is breaking the law. If this is the case in your state, tell your landlord that he needs to notify you at least 24 hours before appearing at your home. Better yet, have it added as a clause in your lease. If he appears again without notice, contact local law enforcement. Keep documentation of all interactions with your landlord. You can also expect that your gaslighting landlord will try to keep your security deposit. Remember how cheap gaslighters are? He’ll make up a reason but the real reason, other than cheapness, is to get revenge on you. Before you move out, make sure your house or apartment is thoroughly cleaned. Take photos of everything, even under the kitchen and bathroom sinks. If your landlord keeps your security deposit without cause, you can take him to small claims court and recover it. But you’ll need documentation. Also, please seek the advice of an attorney if you are considering legal action. Local tenants unions and/or rent boards can help you navigate.

WHAT TO DO ABOUT GASLIGHTING FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS

Whether the gaslighter is a friend or neighbor, there are ways to protect yourself. These options include cutting off contact, distancing yourself, avoiding borrowing anything from or giving anything to the gaslighter, and seeking legal representation for yourself.

Stay Away from Them or Cut Off Contact

If the gaslighter is a friend, your best bet, hard as it may be, is to cut all ties with them. This is usually the only way to get rid of the toxic influence of a gaslighter. If you are on a social committee with them, at your child’s school, for instance, transfer to another one. If you don’t, this person will continue to wreak havoc in your life—guaranteed. There is a small chance that the gaslighter will become preoccupied with someone else and drop you like a hot potato, but until then she will likely make your life drama filled.

If you have a gaslighting neighbor who is continually harassing you, you might want to consider moving. Yes, seriously. While that is a big adjustment to make and may wind up costing you money and time, it might well be worth it for peace of mind. Moving out may feel like giving in or like the gaslighter has “won,” but believe me, you have won by putting your family’s well-being first.

Never Give Anything to or Borrow Anything from a Gaslighter

Never loan anything to a gaslighter. If you do loan something, do it with the expectation that you will never get it back. And never, under any circumstances, should you loan the gaslighter money. Likewise, never borrow anything from a gaslighter. The gaslighter will conveniently “forget” that you borrowed an item, and will then accuse you of stealing it.

“I don’t let certain people ‘borrow’ things unless I am willing to part with it for good.”

—Declan, 35

If the gaslighter gives you an item as a “gift,” either say “No, thank you” or, if you really must take it, be aware that it may come back to bite you. Gaslighters are famous for “gifting” you something, then claiming that you stole it from them. Again, this is all about feeling the need to get even with people who they feel have wronged them. It can also stem from their substance abuse. Remember that gaslighters may have more problems with addiction than the rest of us do, and they may have given you something while in a blackout.

“Sometimes a gift from a ‘friend’ is an invitation to trouble. The gifts are never ‘free’—they come with a lot of hassle.”

—Evie, 39

Never Have Gaslighters Take Care of Your Children or Pets

It’s never a good idea to have gaslighters take care of your children or pets. They will turn your children against you. They will “forget” about your child’s food allergies, or the rules you have in your home. Your pets will be neglected or abused. They will be fed things you expressly told the gaslighter not to give them. Gaslighters don’t care. If you give them the responsibility of watching your children or your pets, they’ll take that as carte blanche, putting themselves in a position of power over the most valuable beings in your life. Please don’t rationalize that you don’t have anyone else to watch your child or pet. There’s got to be a better option than leaving them with a gaslighter who may cause them serious harm.

Act Bored or Ambivalent

The best way to end a friendship with a gaslighter is to have the gaslighter get tired of you and walk away first. As we’ve seen again and again, gaslighters love to get people stirred up. If you respond to gaslighters’ inflammatory remarks with “that might be true,” “okay,” and “maybe,” they will soon become bored with you. If you act ambivalent or bored and fail to let them get a rise out of you, they will quickly move on. What you don’t want to do, even if it seems more honest or decent, is say, “We can’t hang out anymore.” That will only bring on their rage. One thing you can be sure of is that gaslighters have a deep-seated fear of abandonment and loss of control. Remember, no matter how bad you may feel about their troubles, you can’t fix them. Your only healthy option is to get away.

State the Obvious and Seek Legal Remedies

If you have set limits and the gaslighter still won’t leave you or your family alone, let him know clearly that he’s not welcome at your home. If you have set limits and the gaslighter still goes onto your property, he’s trespassing. Contact your local law enforcement agency for instances of trespassing, stalking, or if the gaslighter threatens you or your family. Contact an attorney if the gaslighter has ramped up his behavior to this point. You may need to file a restraining order. As noted earlier, a restraining order must be approved by a judge, and it states that a person may not initiate contact with you, and they must stay a certain distance from you at all times. You may qualify for a restraining order if a person poses an imminent or immediate threat to you or your family. It is critical that you keep documentation of how the person has harassed or threatened you.

If the gaslighter posts threatening or false information about you or your business on the Internet, including social media, take screenshots and report the incident(s) to the site. Contact an attorney about possibly issuing a “cease and desist” order to prevent the gaslighter from further harassing you.

There are two legal terms for this kind of harassment: libel and slander. Libel is when someone prints something about you that is both false and damaging to you. Slander is when someone says something that is both false and damaging to you. Suing someone for libel or slander is tricky—you have to prove that you or your business suffered directly from this person’s false statements—but it can be done. See an attorney for more information.

GASLIGHTING FRIENDS ARE not really friends at all. They aren’t looking out for your best interests, nor can they really form healthy relationships. And just as with gaslighting friends, gaslighting neighbors and landlords can lack boundaries. It is up to you to put those boundaries in place—whether it is scaling back on your involvement, telling gaslighters that their behavior isn’t acceptable, getting legal advice or interventions, or cutting off contact completely. The option you choose depends on your relationship with the gaslighters and whether logistically you can truly get away from them.

Getting away from a gaslighting friend and healing yourself can be a challenge. For more information on counseling and other ways to heal from your relationship with a gaslighter, see Chapter 12. In the next chapter, you’ll learn how to navigate through divorcing and also coparenting with a gaslighter.