CHAPTER THREE
Difficult Feelings and Tantrums
LEARNING
Why tantrums happen, here
Talking to your baby, here
Parents’ knee-jerk reactions, here
“I hate you!” here
THE ALP APPROACH
Attune, here
Why not to ignore a tantrum or punish with a time-out, here
When kids don’t want to talk, here
Limit set, here
Attitude and eye rolling, here
Problem solve, here
Repair and circle back, here
Scripts and conversations, here
No matter how nonsensical and frustrating our child’s feelings may seem to us, they are real and important to our child. It’s vital that we treat them as such in our response.
—Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
It’s the moment you dread, when your child becomes unreasonable, irrational, or flooded with emotions. The tiniest things will push kids over the edge. Your toddler screams at the injustice of not being able to take home the fluorescent stuffed animal from the grocery store. Your preschooler sobs because you unwrapped the fruit roll-up when she wanted to do it. (How dare you!) Your third-grader throws an epic tantrum because you turned off the iPad.
Meltdowns, outbursts, tantrums, and other expressions of “negative” emotions are incredibly normal, and in the next section we’ll explain why they happen. But you don’t really need us to tell you tantrums are normal. You’ve heard that before, and it’s pretty clear from looking around you that it’s true. In our practice, we realized over the years that normalizing negative feelings and emotional floods isn’t enough. It gives parents reassurance, but they continue to try and cut off feelings quickly, correct right away, or coax their kids into being happy again.
Knowing that tantrums are normal can bring you comfort, but seeing them as an opportunity can be a revelation. This will change the way you relate to your child, and also how you relate to your own feelings. Frustration, anger, sadness, and tantrums are not just unfortunate facts of life for little kids, they are small doors that continuously open, every day. When a door opens, we have a chance to say, with our words, tone, and body language, “Your feelings are accepted by me. I see you, and I’m interested.” How we respond in those moments affects how our children feel about themselves and our relationship (Does my most important person get me? Are my big feelings safe here?) and also how they make sense of, manage, and regulate those feelings. Every day, babies and toddlers are practicing emotional skills with our help, and those daily interactions are their training ground.
We’re moms, so we understand why you would dread emotional drama. And we aren’t saying it’s easy to flip your thinking about negative feelings—or even that you’ll accomplish it every time. Some days you’ll only find one door, while the other moments feel like a struggle. That’s great. Open one door every day—that’s what it means to practice.
Often when kids lose control of their feelings, cry, or throw themselves to the ground kicking and screaming, it feels like an assault to us, a failure on our part, or even a manipulation. But the very moment when your child is being as unappealing and unhinged as she can possibly be is the moment when she’s signaling that she needs you the most.
In this chapter, we’ll help you practice responding to difficult feelings like sadness, anger, anxiety, and frustration, and also tantrums (or what we would call “emotional floods”), in an attuned way, while also being strong in your role as the parent, teaching and holding limits. This gives kids a sense that they matter (and not just when they’re happy and sweet), and that you are there to coach and assist. Over time, the pathways in their brain that manage and make sense of feelings will strengthen, and you’ll see your child slowly but surely become more rational and make better choices. The goal is not to make feelings go away, it’s to help kids weather life’s inevitable waves and emotional storms. With our help, they develop resilience and can handle hard moments and get back on track. This becomes a crucial skill for life.
Why Tantrums Happen: Little People, Big Feelings
Big feelings are a fact of life. Emotions come online early, even in the littlest of babies. Infants express sadness, frustration, anger, joy, fear, and many other emotions, and as children grow, their emotions become more complex and nuanced. As they mature into toddlerhood, feelings like guilt and embarrassment mean kids are becoming self-aware and socially conscious.
This is all good news. Human evolution gave us emotions because they provide us with valuable information. They help us react to the environment and know if something is threatening or desirable. They influence our perception, help us make decisions, and connect us to one another. We need emotions.
The challenge for a parent—who may be simply trying to exit a store with a two-year-old drowning in tears because she can’t push the shopping cart—is that the rich, booming emotional life of a young child outpaces rational thought and self-control. Think about what it’s like to be overwhelmed by your feelings. Let’s say you’ve unexpectedly lost your job, and you’re so shocked and devastated you can hardly focus or think about anything else. Later in the day, you might start thinking with your rational brain about updating your resume, and realizing it’s not the end of the world—but in the moment, your feelings are all-consuming. Now imagine going through every day this way, without good emotional brakes, filters, or perspective. Little kids are far more vulnerable to emotional floods and bumpy waters because they’re still building the machinery that allows them to steer and control the boat. When a flood, or a tantrum, occurs, the nervous system is overwhelmed and dysregulated, thoughts are not clear, hearts are pounding, and stress hormones rise.
Interpreting and regulating emotions is a developmental skill set that takes years (even decades) to acquire. This has a lot to do with time; it’s a long, gradual process for these brain regions to intricately connect. It’s also influenced by temperament: research shows that some babies are more prone to negative emotions than others. But you, as the parent, also have an influential role. Responding sensitively to babies and toddlers helps them make sense of their experience, and those kids develop better emotional regulation skills.
TALKING TO YOUR BABY
Most of us know that we’re supposed to talk to our babies when they’re happy and babbling, but talking to them when they’re upset is just as important. Applying the ALP steps to difficult moments with your baby shows her that you’re interested in her feelings and helps her develop an emotional vocabulary, even from the youngest age. Babies who have an emotional vocabulary can use it later on to express themselves.
INSTEAD OF “YOU’RE OKAY” OR “IT’S OKAY”
If your baby is upset, she’s not okay and saying this very common phrase misses an opportunity to attune. It’s dismissive of her feelings. Instead, say something like,
That scared you.
You weren’t ready to be put down.
That looked like it hurt. Let me see that arm.
In some situations, letting your baby have her feelings is all that’s called for. If she’s crying (and you’ve ruled out hunger, pain, and so forth), she could just be overwhelmed and having a hard time—it may not be a moment for you to fix anything. At times, babies need to release stress, just like everyone else. If so, try holding her and saying something like,
Let it out.
I hear you.
Oh, this sounds hard.
I’m here with you.
WHERE DID MY SWEET, EASY BABY GO?
At around seven to nine months of age, parents see a real shift in their baby’s opinions. This sudden burst of big feelings can come as an unwelcome surprise to parents, as daily moments that never used to be a problem become a source of unhappiness and frustration. In our parenting groups, it’s not uncommon to hear parents say something to the effect of “Where did my sweet baby go?” Big feelings arise around diaper changes (which used to be such nice moments of connection), getting dressed, getting in the car seat, really wanting to hold something they can’t, or really not wanting to do something they have to.
The silver lining is that this shift means that cognitively, your baby is right on track. She’s becoming more aware, more discerning, and better able to communicate how she feels. Outbursts of emotion, both “positive” and “negative,” tell you that your baby’s internal life is becoming richer.
Babies have good reason to get frustrated: they see so many things they’re not yet able to do or to touch, while lacking the ability to understand why. Imagine you knew you wanted a cup of coffee but couldn’t tell anyone clearly and were not allowed to touch the coffeemaker. Your simple desire would quickly turn to frustration. In the second half of the first year, babies also begin to understand language and the gist of communication. They know what they want to say but they can’t say it, so they show it by screaming, crying, flailing, and kicking.
Without a well-tuned emotional brake on these big feelings, baby’s emotions can easily spiral out of control. In an instant, they reach a point where they cannot get back into balance on their own. They don’t mean to do this; it’s outside of their ability. This is a good thing to remind yourself of, as these moments can feel like manipulation or excessively irrational behavior.
Babies are able to make sense of what we say to them, much earlier than we think. When we work with parents to help babies sleep, sometimes we ask them to talk to their babies about it. Moms and dads look at us like we’re crazy for suggesting telling an eight-month-old that she will have a new bedtime plan, showing her the crib, and explaining how the routine will go, but over time parents see how helpful it is.
EXAMPLE: TALKING BABY THROUGH TUMMY TIME
Mabel hated tummy time, her parents were convinced. We were working with Mabel’s parents to help set up good sleep habits for her and, at five months, it was clear that having more motor control and learning to roll would help her sleep. We asked them to show us Mabel’s play space. Mom put her on her tummy. Sure enough, Mabel immediately started to cry and scream and Mom plucked her up to a more familiar position. To help Mabel get more comfortable with tummy time, we showed Mom and Dad how to lay Mabel on her back, look her in the eyes, say “I’m going to roll you,” and then get down on the ground and talk to Mabel face-to-face. When Mabel complained, her mom would say, “It’s frustrating because you’re not used to being here,” and when she really protested, her mom would guide her in rolling to her back again—molding her instead of plucking her up so that Mabel would feel in control. After a week, Mom wrote us to say that Mabel loved playing on her tummy.
Practicing ALP early is great groundwork. By doing this without placating (“You’re okay!”) or responding harshly, you nurture your baby’s natural tendency to recover, to be empathic to others and themselves, and to feel good about who they are, in all their emotional colors.
In the scripts section at the end of this chapter, you’ll see examples for young babies, and also be sure to read about using child-led play here as the antidote to a day full of limit setting and frustration.
Emotional floods also happen because little ones know what they want far before they can articulate it, and other people are doing all kinds of cool things they can’t do yet. Not only that, they’re controlled by us and told what to do constantly: when to leave, where to go, what’s okay to do and what not to do, what’s okay to touch and what not to touch.
From our point of view as grown-ups, our kids’ tears, insistence, and strong reactions can seem unwarranted. Your preschooler absolutely must have the plastic Spider-Man figure in the bathtub, but you you can only find the Batman one. Disaster! In his little world, this plan was all-important—his powers of imagination had created a narrative for Spider-Man, so the other superheroes are irrelevant. It doesn’t mean you have to spend twenty minutes scouring the toy bins for Spidey, it just means his feelings are not so out of proportion when we see the world through his eyes.
Parents’ Knee-Jerk Reactions
What’s your automatic reaction when your toddler has a tantrum and flings her broccoli on the ground, or your kindergartner declares you the meanest mommy in the world, says he hates you, and storms into his room? Most of the “knee-jerk reactions” below are understandable, because we’re parents, we care, and we’re deeply intertwined with our kids’ feelings. We want them to be happy, so it’s hard to let it be okay when they’re not. We all have different ways of dealing with that uncomfortable sense that our children—the little people we love so much—are having a hard moment.
Anger
Some parents get angry when their kids are emotional, and they yell things like You’re going to time-out if you say that again. I’ve had enough! Listen or there will be a consequence! These parents may have very little patience or tolerance for feelings, and are quick to get mad and try to stop their children by yelling or snapping. Often, they were spoken to this way when they were children and feel it’s their job to be strict. They don’t have a lot of experience being comfortable with big feelings.
It’s understandable, because it’s hard to see our kids upset, especially when they’re misbehaving at the same time. Under our own anger is often fear—fear that we’re not getting it right or that we’re not a good parent.
When you get angry, your child’s brain responds with “fight or flight.”
When you react with anger, you trigger the basic fear centers in your child’s brain. You may not see it this way, but your tone, body position, yelling, or scolding is perceived by your child as a threat, and it causes a stress response in his body. Your anger tells him that he’s not safe, and he should fight back, run away, or freeze up and repress his feelings. Being yelled at can start a cascade of physiological events in your child’s body: stress hormones rise, muscles tense, and his heart beats faster. Even if you don’t raise your voice, your body language (stiff, harsh movements, standing over your child with hands on hips, and so forth) can still convey anger. Over time, if kids are scorned or shamed for their feelings, they begin to see themselves as innately bad, and have lower self-esteem. It becomes a cycle: fear on the part of the parent that he or she is raising a bad kid; fear and shame on the part of the child from the parent’s reaction.
A mom gave us a good example of working to change her angry reactions to her toddler’s behavior: One evening, he was flailing and crying because, after telling him not to splash water outside the tub, he still soaked the bathroom floor. She had to lift him out kicking and screaming. She was angry at him for being disobedient and then crying about it, irritated by the loud noise, frustrated she’d told him this a hundred times, and worried that she was failing. In the past, when she scolded him, it would escalate her son’s distress and they would both end up more upset. She had been practicing the tools outlined on pages 81–85. She took a deep breath and stayed quiet (knowing that if she opened her mouth too quickly she’d regret it), kindly but decisively lifted her son out of the tub, wrapped him in a towel, and took him to a room that was less noisy. When he calmed down enough to hear her, she dug deep to find a firm but soothing voice to say:
You really were not ready to get out, I know. We cannot soak the bathroom floor. I had to move you out of the bathtub. (This is also an example of a follow-through choice.) Take a deep breath with me.
Of course, her son was still angry, but it didn’t escalate, and she felt good about her calm and firm plan.
Dismiss or Sweep It under the Rug
Other parents try to nip emotional explosions in the bud. These parents might say “Stop it.” “It’s not okay to say that.” “What are you so upset about, it’s not a big deal!” in a “no, no, no” voice. We’ve even heard parents say things like “I don’t like hearing you cry—can you go somewhere else and do that?”
Excessively Worry or Make It about Yourself
A client one of us worked with in therapy shared a lot about his relationship with his well-meaning but anxious mom when he was little. His mom didn’t get mad at him for being upset; instead, she worried, hovered, and got very upset herself. She asked excessive questions when she suspected something was wrong. He described as a child losing an especially challenging soccer game, after which his mom ran out onto the field devastated and crying. Moments like that made him feel as though he now had to take care of her. She hijacked his feelings.
Placate or Cave
All of us have this reaction sometimes. We get so worried that our kids are upset or we want so badly for them to feel good that we don’t give them the sense it’s okay to have ups and downs. This can take the form of placating, giving in, or not holding an expectation or social rule for our kids.
Oh, don’t worry, I’ll do it for you.
Oh, never mind, okay. We can keep swinging, we don’t have to go home.
It’s okay, he can run around the restaurant yelling—he doesn’t know better.
I know she hit your child, but she’s only two—it’s normal.
All of these reactions—getting mad, sweeping feelings under the rug, taking them on for ourselves, or placating—are in some way resisting the simple practice of letting feelings be feelings. Remember from here that this means, over time, the child may stop expressing anger and sadness and internalize it, or act it out in other ways.
Instead, when your child expresses a “negative” feeling or has a meltdown, imagine the feelings as waves that come and go. The more okay you are with them, the better. This does not mean you accept all behaviors, it just means you accept your child in all her crazy expressions. The sea of life has waves and this is perfectly normal. Rather than praying for a tantrum-free day, wake up every morning wondering what the day will bring and what you’ll learn and figure out. You are not in control of everything your child does, nor do we want our kids to feel pressured to always be happy. We want to equip them with a sense that feelings come and go and we can ride those emotional waves and get back on track.
ALP for Difficult Feelings
In this section we’ll use ALP with difficult feelings and emotional floods. We will build on the concepts from chapter 1, with a specific focus on feelings.
ALP FOR DIFFICULT FEELINGS
Attune: Let your child know you understand. Depending on what the moment calls for, pause, get on her level, say what you see or hear, paraphrase, or say, “tell me more.” Give her space or move to a safe, quiet environment if needed.
It’s hard to leave the park; you’re sad we have to go.
Limit set: State the limit and brief reason, or state the reality.
We do have to leave because it’s getting dark.
Problem solve: Offer a way or ways to solve the dilemma, help your child recover, or make an acceptable choice. Be creative and use humor. Use a follow-through choice if necessary.
Do you want to skip out holding hands, or do you want a piggyback?
I’m going to move your body somewhere safe and quiet.
Attune
Lead with empathy. A short, attuned moment tells your child that his desires and big feelings are acceptable (even though the behavior may not be). You’re telling him, You can come to me with this and I won’t get mad, dismiss, judge, or try to fix it. I’ll listen. If your two-year-old can trust you with his feelings now, he’s more likely to do the same when he is older.
Don’t confuse attuning with overtalking, indulging, letting unacceptable behaviors go, or changing your limit. You can hold a limit and problem solve, all the while validating your child’s experience.
Some kids are very watchful and sensitive, and they feel understood with the most subtle glance and acknowledgment. Other kids are harder to reach, so they need a bigger response from you, in which you really emphasize your words and mirror their tone and intensity. Tailor the attune step to your kid’s age and temperament. Think, What does it really take for my kid to feel that I “get” him?
You may use one of the attune tools each time or combine them. Find the ones that fit the moment. There will be times when attuning is all you need. In other cases, you’ll add the limit-setting and problem-solving steps too.
Attune Tool #1:
Pause
Your preschooler erupts into tears. Maybe you know why, or maybe you don’t. Many of us say something right away, like Ah, all right, what is it now? or What? What happened? What’s the big deal? or Oh, you’re okay! Instead, pause and let the crying or yelling be okay for a second. Imagine the waves moving your boat and let that be fine. If no one is in danger, and if the social setting doesn’t call for an immediate response (like screaming in a restaurant), you don’t have to respond right away. If it’s not an urgent moment, you can kneel down and say something like
Oh, hm . . .
Whoa, you have a big feeling about that.
I see.
Attune Tool #2:
I’m Going to Kindly Move You
When it comes to tantrums, how you respond depends on where you are. Are you in a busy restaurant, in a quiet boutique, at the park, or at home? If you’re in a public place where the noise is disturbing to others or the environment is overstimulating, let your child know you’re going to move her to a quiet place to take a breather. You can respectfully do this, while still sending the message that her feelings are not a problem. If it looks like she might hurt herself or someone else, move the object away or gently hold her body. People might expect you to reprimand your child in public for having an outburst, but don’t succumb to this. It’s a caring and kind practice to follow as a parent, to move your child to a private spot (the car, another room, the sidewalk, etc.) when she’s having a hard time. This avoids shame and embarrassment while giving you a chance to talk somewhere private.
On the other hand, if she’s safe and you’re not out in public, you may just want to let her stay where she is, while the emotions run their course. Say something like
I see how upset you are. I’m here when you’re ready to talk or make a choice.
Read “Why not to ignore a tantrum” here.
Attune Tool #3:
Use Your Body Language
Regardless of the words you say, standing over your child with a frown on your face can make her feel vulnerable, angry, defensive, and more likely to resist.
Getting on eye level or below is enough to signify that you’re interested and accepting, even without words. Squatting down changes the power dynamic because you are with your child, not judging or threatening. An open and curious facial expression also makes a big difference. Even though you may still need to set a limit or give information your child doesn’t want to hear, your body language will make it easier for her to take it all in.
WHY NOT TO IGNORE A TANTRUM
OR PUNISH WITH A TIME-OUT
We’d like to address some of the traditional ways of responding to tantrums. You may have been told to ignore a tantrum to make it go away. The idea is that paying attention to kids who are upset rewards them for this behavior. By now you can see why we think this doesn’t make sense at all. When kids are having a hard time (even when it seems totally irrational), they’re telling us they need us. Ignoring them, punishing them, or giving a time-out is the opposite of this. It makes them feel isolated, cut off, and shamed.
Since tantrums are big expressions of emotion and thought, and signal dysregulation of the nervous system, you need to help your child regulate. How you do this depends on the moment and his personality. If he accepts being held, then hold your child, or put your hand on his back and let him know you hear how upset he is. Some kids are soothed by physical touch—hugging will help them regroup and calm down. If your child is one of these, you might even put your arms out and ask, I see. Can I give you a hug? To which he might move toward you and collapse in your arms. If that’s the case, offer the squeeze.
Other times, kids need space to ride an emotional wave. Some kids don’t like to be touched when they’re upset (just like adults, everyone has their preference), and especially if your child is upset at you, then he may not want you to hug him. If you can tell that he’s unreachable and nothing you say or do seems to help, then as long as he’s safe and not destroying anything, give him space. Say something like
I understand. You really wanted the blocks and I put them away because they’re not for throwing. I get it. I’m here. (You’re not bringing the blocks back out, but you’re fine with his feelings about it.)
You could stay in the same room, or go somewhere close by and check in with him periodically to let him know you’re still there in spirit. This is not a punishment. If you do this in a mad or frustrated way, or give the feeling that you’re rushing him or hoping it all ends soon, it defeats the purpose of allowing feelings to happen and be released. Your child might even cry louder and longer because of your impatient reaction, or he may bottle up the feelings and not express them so you won’t be mad. These ideas should be thought of as a calm down (here).
If he’s able to listen and isn’t crying too hard, you could keep talking. Once you’ve attuned, state the limit or reality and then move on to the problem-solving step. For example,
Attune: I can hear that. You’re upset about not having another fruit roll-up. You really like them. Limit set: But it’s not snack time now, because dinner is soon. Problem solve: Okay, I’m going to give you some space, but I have some ideas when you’re ready to talk about it.
Attune: I get it, I can see how sad you are about not being able to go play at Sophie’s house. I know you were really looking forward to it. Limit set: Unfortunately we cannot go today. There’s too much to do with homework and practice. Problem solve: I’m here and when you’re ready, we can make a plan for you to play at Sophie’s sometime this weekend.
WAIT, HUGGING A CHILD WHO’S MISBEHAVING?
Hugging or rubbing the back of a child who’s having a tantrum or has misbehaved may seem out of line—isn’t that rewarding bad behavior? We’re not thinking in those terms. When your child is struggling—and that includes moments when she’s hit her sister or broken a toy—she’s telling you she’s working on a developmental skill or she needs something. She needs connection, teaching, or calm time. Punishing doesn’t accomplish any of that. As long as you’re holding the limit, you’re not being “too soft” and your child will learn that you’re on her side.
BUT WHAT ABOUT “MANIPULATIVE” TANTRUMS?
Yes, there are definitely times when kids yell and cry in a purposeful, “I’m in control of myself here” way, when they’re trying to get you to change your mind or go back on a limit. (It’s easy to tell the difference because if you cave on the limit, they recover immediately.) In these times, focus more on repeating the unwavering limit, rather than rubbing her back, holding, and helping your child regulate her emotions (since by definition her emotions aren’t really dysregulated to begin with). We’d still challenge you to use the iceberg analogy with a “manipulative” tantrum. Is she engaged in a power struggle with you or a sibling? Is she overwhelmed, tired, or overscheduled? Was she talked down to or excluded at school today? You may not know the reason every time, but even shifting your thinking this way will help you reframe her behavior and relieve the pressure that you have to correct or punish her.
The key with this and with all tantrums is to be resolute in holding the limit. That way, you don’t ever have to get mad or reactive; you simply stay strong and accept the big feelings. A kid’s job is to test limits. Your kids will learn that when you set a limit, you hold it. Over time, you’ll see how valuable this is.
HEAD BANGING
In our experience, head banging is more common than you might think. The evidence shows that kids will not injure themselves seriously and will learn fairly quickly that it doesn’t feel good to bang their heads on the ground or other hard surface. If we rush to try to stop them the phase will likely last longer, because they are not getting the input they need to learn to stop doing it. This is really hard behavior to ignore, we know. You can gently move your child if she’s on a really hard surface or in a very public place. Just try not to let her know how upsetting the head banging is to you. Give her the sense that you are nearby and ready to help, when she is able to hear you.
Attune Tool #4:
Say What You See: The Sportscaster
Without judging or correcting, simply say what is happening. Remember from chapter 1 that the sportscaster technique helps kids connect cause and effect and think creatively, without feeling blamed and defensive.
Your fists are clenched and your shoulders are up.
I can see, you look frustrated.
Your body is heating up, I can tell.
She got too close to you and her voice was loud. It made you feel crowded.
You were playing with the doll and really didn’t want it to get taken away.
In some cases, when you use the sportscaster, your child will come to her own conclusions without your direction. In other cases, especially when kids are little, you’ll need your limit-setting and problem-solving steps too.
Attune Tool #5:
Paraphrase: The Good Waiter
It’s remarkable how much more you’ll learn if you simply say back what your child is telling you, rather than trying to fix or convince her out of her feelings. Therapists are trained to use this technique because it validates and helps people open up. It takes practice, because as parents we want to rush in with our ideas right away. A good waiter listens to you and says it back to make sure she got it right. Whether your child is anxious, feeling slow to warm up or shy, has a complaint about the contents of his lunch box, is mad at a friend, or mad at you—try to get the essence of what he’s telling you and say it back in your own words. Wait. See what else comes out.
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I don’t want to go to school! |
(Instead of) Why? You love school! (Say) Don’t feel like it this morning, huh? |
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I’ll never be able to make a basket. I can’t do it. |
(Instead of) Don’t say that—you can do it! (Say) You’ve been trying so hard, huh? You’re frustrated because it feels like it’ll never happen. |
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Waaaaa, I want a cookie right now! |
(Instead of) No. No cookies now. (Say) They look yummy to you. |
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I wanna go on the swings, waaaaa! |
(Instead of) You have to be patient! (Say) It’s hard to wait. You’re watching from the side and wishing you were on those swings right now. |
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Aiden called me a smarty-pants at school today. |
(Instead of) What did you say? Did you tell the teacher? Don’t play with him anymore. (Say) Smarty pants? I bet you didn’t like that. |
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Waaaaa, you turned off the TV! |
(Instead of) Okay, I’ll turn it back on. (Say) I know, it’s hard to stop watching when you’re into the show. |
Use “feeling” words when they fit the moment. If you label feelings, your child will grow up with more emotional skill and a rich vocabulary of words to describe emotions. Have you met adults who seem disconnected from their feelings? Talking this way from an early age helps kids become familiar with and accepting of their internal world.
Try not to say a perfunctory That made you sad, or just parrot back your child’s words. Paraphrasing statements shouldn’t come off as condescending, nor should you say the same thing every time. Keep it real and unique to the situation.
Attune Tool #6:
Tell Me More
Parents often tell us they’re worried they’ll make it worse if they lean in to emotions, so we hear them try to argue kids out of their feelings. Rather than disagreeing, be curious. Say a phrase or ask a question that makes your child feel receptive and open to talking. This is how you’ll find out more and keep the conversation going,
Tell me more about that.
Help me understand, give me more information.
So it feels like . . .
Attune Tool #7:
Use Your Iceberg Analogy
Using the tools above can often get you to what’s beneath the surface. The tip of the iceberg might be crying, kicking, yelling, or whining, but what is going on under the surface, and what is your child telling you? Is he:
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Tired
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Hungry
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Off his schedule
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Overstimulated (in a place that is too loud or has too many lights, other kids, or activity)
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Bored or needing connection
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Overwhelmed, overscheduled, or stressed by school and activities
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Trying to interact or get in the game but not sure how to do it
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Needing time to recover after something challenging happened recently
If so, respond to what’s under the surface rather than the behaviors poking out of the water.
EXAMPLE: PLAYDATE CONFLICT
Charlie is at a playdate and is crying, whining, provoking, and not getting along with his buddy.
Tip-of-the-iceberg response: Why aren’t you being nice to Emma? Stop crying. Do you need a time-out? We’re going to leave if you don’t play nicely.
Beneath-the-surface response: (Parent knows Charlie wel enough to see he’s trying to engage but doesn’t know how to “get in the game.”) Having a hard time, huh? This is our first playdate here! Can I sit with you guys and play for a sec? I love this game, actually. Can you both show me how it works?
Feelings are complex, and sometimes “I’m sad” or “I’m frustrated” isn’t really capturing the whole picture. You can help your child make sense of multilayered feelings:
Parent: How are you feeling about starting school?
Child: A little bit scared, and a little bit fun.
Parent: Got it. What does the scared part feel like?
Child: Like I don’t know what will happen and I might not do it right.
Parent: Ah, okay. And the fun part feels like . . . ?
Child: Like I’m excited to see it, because it’s new.
Hold Off on Arguing, Teaching, and Expecting Apologies
When your child is emotionally flooded—for example, your toddler hit her brother and has collapsed on the ground kicking and screaming, your preschooler is yelling “I hate you, I’m not going!” and is hiding under a chair, or your child slams the door furiously and won’t speak—this is not the time to talk about the rules, teach, or explain. Information is not going to be received or integrated. In this mode, your child’s emotional brain has overwhelmed him and the logical thinking brain is not in charge.
Parents often feel an irresistible urge to yell out the limit or rule, repeatedly explain what the child did wrong, and expect apologies. This does not help. This is not the time to give a lot of information, beyond attuning and simply stating a limit or reality. Let it go for now. When everyone is calm (even if it’s the next day), this is the time to circle back and teach.
Limit Set
After you’ve attuned, if there is a limit or reality that applies to the situation, state it, along with a brief reason. For example,
This is not snack time. We’re leaving some time before dinner with no food, so bellies get hungry and we can enjoy dinner. (limit)
We’ll have to bake cookies another time because we don’t have brown sugar. (reality)
It’s time for your piano lesson, so we have to leave now. (limit)
We’re leaving the playground now because it’s getting dark. (limit)
My keys are only for me to use. They are not toys. (limit)
We don’t have time to go to the park because we’ve got dinner, homework, and reading time to fit in this evening. (limit)
We are getting in the car now because if we don’t, we will be late for school. (limit)
I already cut your food into bites and I can’t put it back together. (reality)
The store is closed for the day. The sign on the door says they close at four o’clock. (reality)
I don’t have Alex’s parents’ phone number so I can’t make a playdate for you right now. (reality)
Limit-Setting Tool #1:
Make a Direct, Neutral Statement
Make your limit clear and factual. When you’re stating a limit or reality, beware of these pitfalls:
Avoid asking a question like How many times do I have to tell you? or Why are you . . . ? or Don’t you know you can’t . . . ?
Avoid using a harsh tone. Instead, keep your voice calm and informative. Kids are geared to explore the world and check things out. They don’t care what’s dirty, dangerous, or off-limits. It can feel like a constant battle between us and them, but they are meant to test things and, depending on a child’s temperament, it might take one hundred times of testing a limit or hearing a rule before each of the “experiments” is over.
Avoid just saying a curt “no!” (Read “Instead of ‘No’” here.) More helpful words to use are ones like these:
The keys are not for you; they’re only for me to use.
You may not touch the cord. It’s dangerous.
Pulling hair isn’t okay, because it hurts.
Limit-Setting Tool #2:
Say What You DO Want or What Your Child CAN Do
Let your child know what you are asking of him, or what the reality is (not just what’s off-limits).
We only put our bottoms or knees on chairs.
Daddy’s glasses are for Daddy to wear so he can see!
Doggie’s water is only for her to touch.
We close the door after good night, so your room is quiet while you sleep.
In the store, we only pick up the food on our grocery list.
You can have more to eat in the morning.
Tomorrow you will have TV time again.
Limit-Setting Tool #3:
Don’t Cave
It’s tempting to cave and change your limit to make difficult feelings go away, but try not to do this. You can be clear and follow through with your limits, while still being kind.
Our client Amy had an especially hard time holding a limit. Her daughter soon learned that if she begged and pleaded for something in the store, her mom would, after a lengthy negotiation, buy it for her. We uncovered that Amy was worried her daughter wouldn’t feel loved, or wouldn’t like her, if she held a limit firmly. Eventually, she saw the opposite was true and that her daughter felt safer, less anxious, and closer to her when Amy was able to hold a limit firmly and kindly.
Limit-Setting Tool #4:
Reasonable Versus Rigid
We want you to be consistent with limits, not unreasonable or rigid. Parents often ask us if it’s okay to negotiate or change your mind when your child has a different plan. The short answer is that, yes, of course it’s okay. You shouldn’t cave if you deem a limit to be important, or because you simply don’t like hearing your child’s reaction. Then again, as the parent, you have the ability to change your mind. Especially as your child grows and takes on more responsibility and independence, listen to his ideas and find common ground. As he gets older, he’s more likely to have strong opinions and plans that you do want to honor. You’ll see more here about brainstorming and negotiating.
If you decide in the moment that changing your mind and going with your child’s desire is possible, without derailing the schedule or breaking a family rule, then you may just decide it’s worth it to change directions. You might know your child well enough to see that if you fulfill his wish in the moment, he’ll feel satisfied and you’ll be able to move on with the day feeling good, rather than digging in for a power struggle just because you’ve set a limit. If you do decide to do this, own your change of mind rather than just throwing in the towel and feeling resentful. There’s a big difference between making a conscious decision to change course and resentfully caving—and our kids pick up on that difference.
You know what, I hear what you’re saying and I’ve changed my mind.
Problem Solve
Now that you’ve attuned and set a limit, help your child figure out what she can do. In the problem-solving step, you’re helping her fulfill her intentions in an acceptable way or solve a dilemma. Using some of the examples from earlier in the chapter, here are problem-solving ideas.
Child: I don’t want to go to school!
Don’t feel like it this morning, huh? You’d rather hang out at home. I remember telling Grandma the same thing when I was in kindergarten. I think I wanted to stay in my pj’s and eat pancakes, is that about right (attune)? Okay, well, it’s a school day so we are going (limit). Could we do something, though? Let’s talk more about a pancakes and pj’s party idea while we get out to the car. I think Saturday is a good day for that (problem solve).
This is not snack time. We’re leaving some no-food time before dinner, so bellies get hungry and we can enjoy our meal (limit). Let’s see, here are some markers so you could draw the menu for tonight. Or do you want to help me cook? I could use help pouring pasta in this bowl and stirring it (problem solve).
We’ll have to bake cookies another time because we don’t have brown sugar (reality). Let’s mark that on our family list to buy brown sugar. Hey, could you show me how you’d do that recipe in your play kitchen (problem solve)?
We’re leaving the playground now because it’s getting dark (limit). Should we hold hands and skip as fast as we can? I bet we can beat our world record. Or, Daddy will gently carry you out of the park (follow-through choice).
My keys are only for me to use; they are not toys (limit). I’ll put them back in my bag. Look at these sweet little hands, let’s play patty-cake with them (problem solve)!
I already cut your food into bites and I can’t put it back together (reality). Hey, can you count those bites? Did I make them into five bites or more, I don’t remember (problem solve).
The store is closed for the day. The sign on the door says they close at four o’clock (reality). While we walk, can you tell me what you wanted to look for in there so we remember for next time (problem solve)?
I don’t have Alex’s parents’ phone number so I can’t make a playdate for you right now (reality). I’ll ask your teacher tomorrow for a roster so I have all the parents’ phone numbers (problem solve).
Problem-Solving Tool #1:
Propose “Here’s What You Can Do”
What does your child want and how can you find an acceptable alternative? If she wants to use the butcher knife, can you offer her a safe plastic knife? If she wants to have mac ’n’ cheese for dinner, can you ask her to draw a picture of it on the calendar for later in the week? If she’s having a hard time separating from you, can you offer a way to “see each other” after you leave (each of you taking a photo with you to look at while you’re apart)?
Problem-Solving Tool #2:
Employ the “Bumbling Parent”
Remember the head-scratching parent from chapter 1? Try to adopt a tone of voice that says “Hmm, let’s see. We’re in this together and we have to figure it out.” As if you’re genuinely open to what the best way forward might be. You don’t necessarily have all the answers.
You feel like we never do anything you want to do, huh? So it’s like the grown-ups make the decisions? Good point, we do make a lot of decisions! Jeez, okay, well, since we do always go to school on school days and Grandpa always picks you up after school, hmm, it seems like there’s not a lot of time during the week for you to have free choices. What’s your idea? Sunday night is free choice night? Yeah, I like that.
Problem-Solving Tool #3:
Use Humor or Say Something Unexpected
This helps you shift the energy and lift your child (and you) out of a tricky situation. For example, one day, Heather’s daughter wanted to take a bath in the morning before preschool, but there wasn’t enough time. “I’m cold, though! I need a bath, I’m freezing!” her daughter said. “Hmm, yeah, I can see you’re chilly. There’s not enough time for a bath before school, so let’s see . . .” When her daughter started to whine and get upset, Heather said, “Ooh, wait, do you have a snowsuit you could put on? Yeah, we definitely need a snowsuit right now, asap.” Her daughter laughed and joined in. While they kept joking and one-upping each other with the layers of cold-weather clothing they should put on, Heather led her daughter to her bedroom to get dressed and keep moving through the routine.
We know it can be challenging, but dig deep to find your humor, even when you’re frustrated. Sometimes just one funny sentence can pay off in a huge way when it avoids a spiral of tension and escalation. Unexpected phrases and small creative stories can really change the tone quickly. Take another example that helped Heather’s daughter get started one morning:
You really don’t want to get out of bed this morning, you’re so cozy. You’re like a cocoon. Here, let me wrap you up in your blanket. I’m just going to scoop you up, but this little butterfly isn’t ready to come out of the cocoon. Everyone just give her space for a sec. The butterfly needs to rest on the couch wrapped up. Wait, I think I see a wing popping out . . .
Problem-Solving Tool #4:
Move Your Body; Change the Scene
Talking is only one way to problem solve. Research indicates that we’re more creative and better at problem solving when we move. As you read the following ideas, you’ll most likely think “What? No, my child would not like that” for some, and “Oh yeah, I can see that would work” for others. If you recognize some of these from the attune step, it’s true, there is overlap in how you use some of these techniques (to attune or problem solve).
Snuggle or wrestle. This really depends on the child and the moment—sometimes kids don’t want to talk, they just want physical contact from their most trusted person. Some kids will accept being hugged when they’re upset, and it can calm and organize big feelings. Hugging a pillow or stuffed animal can also help when they’re not quite ready for a hug from you.
Walk, skip, dance. Moving helps with managing emotions, improving focus, and learning. Think about how you can use movement in the problem-solving step in a way that’s relevant to the initial dilemma or as you’re coming up with the solution.
Let’s skip out of the park.
Want to walk down the sidewalk while we figure out what to do?
Let’s put on music and dance out our feelings!
I’m gonna change that wet diaper while you’re crawling (or standing).
How many times can we run around the block?
I want to play catch with you while we talk about this.
Turn them upside down. Yes, upside down! Turning upside down shifts our perspective, and can calm the nervous system. Depending on your child’s age, you can turn her upside down or teach her how to do a headstand or hang her head backward over the edge of the sofa. Always let her know, and get her buy-in before you move her body. Of course, you can practice your headstand or handstand too when you’re having big feelings or just to join in. Now, if only we could change diapers upside down.
Here, kick your legs up into a handstand. It helps you come up with ideas.
Change the scene. Changing the environment moves your child’s focus away from whatever is causing the distress. Remember not to start with this, because it will feel dismissive. Once you’ve attuned and set a limit if needed, here are some ideas for changing the scene:
I’m going to put my phone in my bag.
As soon as the nurse is done with your shots, we’ll walk down the hall to the fish tank.
Let’s take a walk while we’re waiting for our food to come.
In some cases, the problem-solving step may be to move to calm down, as described here.
Especially if your child is in full tantrum mode or inconsolable, you may need to abandon your original plan. This may be the classic “parent left a full shopping cart at the grocery store.” Sometimes our best-laid plans don’t work out and that’s okay. It’s more important that our kids know we’re there to help them when they need us. It’s hard to shift gears like that, especially if it’s something you need to do (get food for dinner) or want to do (spend time with friends). But if your child is overloaded, then as long as you’ve attuned and held a limit, packing it in and going home can be the best choice.
Problem-Solving Tool #5:
Use a Follow-Through Choice
This is an important tool to have in your back pocket, for those moments when you feel stuck and your child still is not moving or complying. The follow-through is phrased as a choice, but it lets him know that the outcome will ultimately be the same, whether he is on board or not. You’d prefer for him to take ownership, but you will help him get there if he does not. For example,
You can hit the off button, or I can do it for you.
Do you want to put the lovey back in the crib, or I can help you do that.
You can climb in the stroller, or I can lift you in.
Let your child know if you’re going to pick him up or move him,
Okay, I see it’s hard to choose, I’m going to gently take the lovey from your hands and put it back.
It looks like it’s hard for you to get in the stroller. I’m going to pick you up and put you in.
Problem-Solving Tool #6:
Something Like This Happened to Me
Kids often get really curious about our stories if we tell them in the right moments. If they seem stuck, taking the focus off them momentarily can also make them feel more open and creative about problem solving. We expect kids to share their feelings and experiences with us, but sometimes we forget that’s a two-way street. Share something about your day or an obstacle you faced and overcame. This isn’t an invitation to shift the focus to you or worry your child with your problems (don’t talk about stressful topics like money troubles), but being transparent about issues you’ve had with, for example, not making the team, or having a friend say something mean, can help if you give this information occasionally and in an age-appropriate way. Your goal is to open conversation, and sometimes talking about a person other than themselves helps kids problem solve.
For example, a mom recently told us her daughter wouldn’t perform in her jazz concert, despite having been really excited about it. She had stage fright, but later didn’t want to talk about it. “Did you ever have stage fright as a kid?” we asked the mom. “Oh yes, big time!” she said. “So you can empathize with your daughter? She may be interested to know about that.” The mom had never considered that route. Later she told us she opened a conversation by saying,
You were excited about the show, but then you felt like you didn’t want to do it? It actually made me remember . . . did you know Mommy had the same feeling when I was your age? I was in a ballet performance but when it was time to go on stage my body froze up and I really didn’t want to! It made me nervous. Is that how you were feeling?
Heather had a similar conversation with her three-year-old daughter, who wanted desperately to wear her tutu to preschool and was furious that she couldn’t. Heather said,
You’re upset because you really want to wear that tutu. It’s disappointing. Costumes are for wearing at home, not at school. For school we wear clothes that let us run, jump, climb, and get dirty. (Pause.) You know, I remember one time I wanted to wear this Wonder Woman outfit to preschool and Nana said I couldn’t. I was so mad! I was really looking forward to wearing it and I had planned out all the spins and moves I was going to do when I got to school. (Pause.) I had even picked it out and put it by my bed so I’d remember.
In the case of the dance performance, the mom asked her daughter what she (the mom) could have done to feel brave. They came up with some ideas that the mom as a kid could have used and the daughter in the future could try for the next performance. In the case of Heather’s daughter, they picked out a comfortable but twirly skirt for the day and hung the tutu on the doorknob with a note on it saying, Put me on for playdate with Mila after school!
Repair and Circle Back
Repair
There will inevitably be moments when you cringe at something you’ve said (even as it’s on the way out of your mouth), or when you lie in bed at night and think how you should have or could have responded better. Remember that the skill of repair (here) is very important. Repair is always there for you if you need it. It’s a great message to send your kids that you’re not perfect, that you acknowledge what happened, that you’re not trying to sweep it under the rug, and that you’ll help make sense of it together.
Circle Back
You can always check in with your child later in the day, or the next day, about a difficult moment that happened earlier. This will help her brain create a story and make sense of it. Here’s how you might circle back with our earlier example:
Parent: How are you feeling about starting school?
Child: A little bit scared, and a little bit fun.
Parent: Got it. What does the scared part feel like?
Child: Like I don’t know what will happen and I might not do it right.
Parent: Ah, okay. And the fun part feels like . . . ?
Child: Like I’m excited to see it, because it’s new.
Later that day,
Parent: I remember you were feeling scared, and also like you would have fun today. What was it like in the end?
Child: It was fun!
Parent: Oh yeah? So the fun part really happened?
Child: Yes. It was easy!
Parent: I’m thinking about that scared part you were mentioning. I wonder, what would you tell your scared part now?
Child: Don’t worry, it’s going to be okay and it’ll be fun.
Scripts and Conversations
You’ll notice that some scenarios don’t call for a limit-setting step, and that some will be helped by adding a safety step or preparation step. Read these scripts to help you understand how ALP works with difficult feelings. Once you get the hang of it, you’ll be able to apply the steps to many different scenarios, use your own words, and sometimes change the order of the steps.
Scripts
Baby
Laying a foundation of open, empathic communication with your baby is invaluable. If you practice this style of talking it becomes second nature. Babies understand more than we think.
SCENARIO: You’re going to change your baby’s diaper and he starts to cry.
SCENARIO: Your baby is crying because she can’t play with your phone.
SCENARIO: You’re putting your baby in the car seat and she arches her back and starts to cry.
SCENARIO: Your baby is climbing up a bookshelf and it’s dangerous.
SCENARIO: Your baby loses it when you take her out of the bathtub. She cries and kicks and squirms.
SCENARIO: You hand your baby to someone else and he starts to cry.*
* No limit setting is needed in this scenario.
Toddler/Preschooler
SCENARIO: Your toddler has grabbed something in the grocery store, and you’re telling her she can’t have it. In this scenario, your ALP steps go fairly smoothly. (In the next scenario, you need to use additional steps).
SCENARIO: Your toddler has grabbed something in the grocery store, and you’re telling her she can’t have it. In this scenario, you need to use a calm-down and follow-through choice.
SCENARIO: You need to leave the park and your toddler doesn’t want to.
If your child is still crying when you get in the car, you can repeat one or more of your steps as you’re driving home. Say something empathic once or twice, like “I know you were sad to leave.” As he calms down, start singing his favorite song, or try another problem-solving step.
SCENARIO: You’re at the breakfast table and your toddler cries because the egg is cooked the wrong way. In this scenario you are not going to cook another egg or offer other food choices.
If your child is still crying at the table and is disrupting other people: “I hear how frustrated you are. We can’t really yell or cry loudly at the table because it’s interrupting other people. I’ll move you to a calm-down space where we can take some deep breaths together.”
SCENARIO: You’re playing at a friend’s house and it’s time to go home. Your toddler always wants to take one of her friend’s toys when she leaves.
School-Age Child
SCENARIO: Your daughter is sad about the outcome of a baseball game.
SCENARIO: Your child is sick and really upset about missing a birthday party.
Conversations
Your Son Comes Home and Says He’s Terrible at Basketball.
It was a frustrating game, huh?
Yeah, I suck. (Hangs head.)
You felt like you kept trying and it wasn’t quite clicking.
(Nods but doesn’t talk.)
I see. Sounds discouraging. (Pause. Resist saying things like, “You’re great! It’ll be better next time. Don’t get so down on yourself!”)
I never got a single basket. I make them in practice, but I never even took a shot today.
You’re making baskets at practice. Games are different, though?
Yeah. Danny was hogging the ball. It’s like I have to yell super loud for a pass or I never get the ball.
You feel like it takes yelling really really loud, to even just get a chance to have the ball and take a shot.
Yeah.
Let me know if you want to head to the park and practice that. I could be Danny and you could get open and yell really loud to me.
Your Daughter Is Worried about a Piano Recital Later that Day.
I’m worried about the recital.
You’re not sure about it? What are you worried will happen?
I keep thinking about messing up.
I totally understand that feeling. Sure, everyone messes up sometimes. What’s your plan? What did your teacher say you should do if you messed up?
Start over at the beginning.
Gotcha. So you have a plan for that. I’ll be there—do you want to smile at each other if it happens? I’ve got your back.
Yes.
Your Son Was Reprimanded by His Teacher for Talking Too Much During Class.
My teacher is so stupid. I hate her.
I hear ya. Doesn’t feel good to be called out like that.
Lots of other kids were talking too; it wasn’t only me.
It felt like she singled you out.
Yes.
It’s no fun to feel like you’re the only one in trouble. Hm, well, since we know the rules at school are what they are, any ideas for what to do tomorrow?
Stay home?
Ha! Good one. Maybe you could find a way to remind yourself to save the talking for recess.
I guess I could move a little away from my friends so I don’t get tempted into talking.
That’s a great idea.
Your Daughter’s Feelings Were Hurt by a Friend at School.
Maya said I’m not her friend anymore.
Oh, huh . . . (Pause to see if she wants to add anything before you guide the conversation.) Not friends anymore?
Yeah.
And what was it like when she said that?
Sad.
Yeah, I can see why that would make you feel sad. What else happened?
She was playing with Fiona and they said I couldn’t play with them.
They were in a game that you wanted to join, but they had a different plan? What do you think she meant by not being her friend?
She wanted to play with Fiona instead.
Got it, so she wanted time with Fiona. Do you ever wonder what people really mean when they say they’re not your friend? To me, sometimes it means they want space or want to play with someone else for a bit. Have you ever felt that way, like you’re really into playing with one friend, and you’ll see the other friend later?