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Page references in italic indicate illustrations.
acceptance 8, 75, 118, 125–6, 140, 153, 164, 281
of failure and idiocy 214–16
Aeschylus 82
aesthetics see art and aesthetics
affairs, love 154–68
beginning of 155–9
and high horses 168
indications for straying into 156–63
reducing risk of 164–8
sex in 163–4
akrasia (weakness of will) 11–12
aloneness 119–20
see also loneliness
ambition 70, 72, 117, 119, 212, 235–6, 288, 292
and panic 25
anal play/sex 151–2
and depression 69
and diplomacy 94–5
see also rage
affairs and excessive anxiety 161–2
and attraction to calm 125
and controlling behaviour 140–41
and philosophical meditation 68–9
reinterpreting 117–18
worry over being liked 103–5
see also panic
of intrinsic merits of things 267–8
absentee 179–80
defensive 173–5
from excessive logic 184–6
interminable 171–3
no-sex argument 186–8
of normality 180–82
parental-resemblance 182–4
pathologizing 177–9
and Romanticism 169
spoiling 175–6
Aristotle 8
Rhetoric 109
artistic sympathy 252–4
and Christianity 12
and emotional education 12–14
and friendship 285–6
and im-perfectionism 271–6
Japanese aesthetics 274–6
revealing inner experiences of the intimidating elite 218
sorrow, solace and 277–88
and supermarkets 228–30, 229, 231, 232, 235
with therapeutic purpose 47
and transitional objects 282–5
Ashikaga Yoshimitsu 276 [NB: Japanese name order – Ashikaga is the family name]
attention-seeking 21, 37, 38, 45, 136
Augustine of Hippo 16
avoidant patterns 140
Bakhuysen, Ludolf: Warships in a Heavy Storm 47, 48
Baudelaire, Charles 4
Begbie, Patrick: James Craig’s Plan of the New Town, Edinburgh 242
Bernbach, William 248
bitterness 19, 25, 108, 115, 122, 198, 212, 248
brain 27
breakdowns
mental/emotional 73–5
British Museum, Reading Room 4, 5
Bruegel, Pieter: Dutch Proverbs 214, 215
Buddhism 16
Zen see Zen
busy-ness, unending 156
calm 115–26
and acceptance 125–6
and daydreaming 120–21
keeping calm around children 143
and nature 121–5
and pathologizing argument 178–9
and pessimism 115–16
and solitude 119–20
and wisdom 295
Calvin Klein 249
see also frankness
capitalist consumerism 241–4, 246, 249–51
and ‘division of labour’ 224
and happiness 241
celebrities 221–3
Cézanne, Paul 268–9
The Basket of Apples 270
charitable interpretation 79–80
failure that charms 102–3
and listening 109–12
and shyness 100–102
and teasing 107–9
and vulnerability 102–3
cheapness 262–71
childhood
and adult avoidant patterns 140
appreciation of intrinsic merits of things 267–8
and beliefs about people having no fears 107
dangers of the good child 211–12
emotionally healthy 44–9
and the good enough parent 288
and impostor syndrome 216–19
the inner child 143–4
Marshmallow Test for children 205–6
notions of permissibility instilled during 72–3
and primal wounds 33–6, 38–9, 67
remembered/relived in psychotherapy 59–61
and restlessness 226–7
Christianity
and art 12
and kindness 98–9
and materialism 238
and original sin 16–18
Cicero 8
On the Orator 109
Classical attitudes 132–3, 257–62
Columbus, Christopher 262
communication
argument as failure in 170–71 see also arguments
diplomatic 94–8
and emotional health 51
and emotional intelligence 3
the good listener 109–12
hopelessness about dialogue 162
patterns 37
restorative complaint prompts 165–8
speaking to ourselves 64
self-compassion 63
see also kindness
concert halls 4
confidence/self-certainty
and emotional intelligence 3
and the inner idiot 213–16
vs self-doubt 93–4
under-confidence 213–19
Connolly, Cyril 108
consolation, philosophy of 18
see also solace
consumerism 236–43
controlling behaviour 140–41
Corot, Jean-Baptiste-Camille: The Leaning Tree Trunk 279–81, 280
Cranach, Lucas, the Elder: Adam and Eve 17
crushes 189
culture
art see art and aesthetics
associating the rare, the expensive and the good 266–7
Classical vs Romantic 132–3, 257–62
and im-perfectionism 271–6
and laws of nature 125
and melancholy 20
and normality 71–3
and prices see prices
scripture, religion and 4–7
and solace 277–88
Cuypers, Pierre 4
cynicism 42, 59, 66, 79, 107, 230
Danckerts, Hendrick: Charles II Presented with a Pineapple 263
Darly, Matthew: The Extravaganza, or The Mountain Head Dress 237
daydreaming 120–21
defensive arguments 173–5
see also avoidance, emotional; denial
defilement 152–4
denial 39–40
diplomacy 94–8
domestic life 192–4
Dunmore, John Murray, 4th Earl of 262
Dunmore Pineapple 264
earnestness 260
education 1
emotional see emotional education
and listening 109
and love 144–8
vs spontaneity 258–9
Eliot, George: Middlemarch 117
emotional education
and akrasia (weakness of will) 11–12
and art 12–14
and ritual 14–15
and the School of Life 22
emotional intelligence 2–4
and sane insanity 18–19
see also wisdom
emotional life
avoidance in see avoidance, emotional
emotionally healthy childhood 44–9
imbalances in 36–9
and importance of a breakdown 73–5
and the inner voice/judge 63–5
journey to emotional maturity 10, 27–31
love affairs see affairs, love
markers of emotional health 50–52
and the past see past, the emotional
post-Romantic 132–3
and psychotherapy see psychotherapy
in relationships see relationships
and Romanticism see Romanticism
and self-deception 41–3
and sex see sex
simple truths of 21
and suffering for ‘small things’ 21
tragic structure of 35–6
emotional scepticism 26–7
enemies 87–8
Epicurus 8
Erasmus, Desiderius: In Praise of Folly 213–14
Euripides 82
exoticism 261
expectations 115–16
explanations, simple and obscure 20–21
acceptance of idiocy and 214–16
and friendship 64–5
social catastrophe 112–14
that charms 102–3
fame 219–23
fear 18, 71, 96, 107, 190, 213, 222
and arguments 170, 173, 174, 175–6, 183
background 15, 19, 68, 86, 167, 183
confronting 207
and fame 222
of heights 184
of humiliation 216
and philosophical meditation 71
of public speaking 185–6
of rejection 139–40
Ficino, Marsilio 12
First World problems 15–16
flirting 157
Florence 12
forgiveness 292–3
Foster, Norman, Sainsbury Centre for the Visual Arts 232, 233, 234
of a diplomat 98
the frank and the polite person 88–94
and robustness 91–2
and the stranger 90
and art 285–6
consolations of 202–4
fame as attempted shortcut to 222
with ourselves 64
strangers transformed into friends 103
and taking risk of self-revelation 102–3
and warmth 105–7
and worry over being liked 103–5
frustration 98, 116, 122, 173, 207
Rosenzweig’s Picture-Frustration Study 31, 32
Gellius, Aulus: ‘Androcles and the Lion’ 85–6
gestures, grand and small 92–3
Goethe, Johann Wolfgang von 4, 246
goodness
dangers of the good child 211–12
original goodness vs. natural sin 89–90
gratitude 289–90
happiness 116, 160, 175–6, 189, 190, 220, 241, 267
high horses 168
Hollinghurst, Alan: The Line of Beauty 108
honesty 73, 75, 89, 102, 145, 188, 199
emotional 43
vs politeness 259
in psychotherapy 54–5
and sexual liberation 150
see also frankness
Hooch, Pieter de 194
Interior with Women beside a Linen Cupboard 193
human nature
a diplomat’s pessimism concerning 97
fallen 16–18
and impostor syndrome 216–19
original goodness vs. natural sin 89–90
human needs 241, 244–6, 245, 250
Hume, David: ‘Of Luxury’ 239, 240
fear of 216
and poverty 251–2
vicarious 220
gallows 260
idealism 259–60
idiocy 79, 100, 113, 213–16, 292
imbalances, emotional 36–9
imperfection 16–18
im-perfectionism in art and culture 271–6
impostor syndrome 216–19
Industrial Revolution/industrialization 266, 267, 271
inner voice/ judge 63–5
intelligence 2–3
interesting, gift of being 101–2
intrinsic value 267–8
intuition 1–2
vs analysis 257–8
and Romanticism 257
irony 260
James, Henry 84–5
James, William 115
Japanese aesthetics 274–6
Johnson, Samuel (Dr) 238
judge, inner 63–5
Kafka, Franz 277
Kant, Immanuel 124
Kiefer, Anselm 277–9
Kinderdijk Windmill, Alblasserdam 272
kindness 79–99
charitable interpretation 79–80
and Christianity 98–9
in dealing with enemies 87–8
and diplomacy 94–8
and frankness 98
pain, and the demands of 85–6
and politeness 88–94
and psychotherapy 56
and Romanticism 99
and tragic failures 81–3
and weakness of strength 83–5
kintsugi 276
bowl 275
Købke, Christen 285
View of Østerbro from Dosseringen 284
Lawrence, Mary Wells 248
The Madonna Litta 196
libraries 4
listening 101
active listening in psychotherapy 57–8
the good listener 109–12
Liszt, Franz 4
loneliness 15, 61, 107, 118, 122, 189
and love affairs 165
losers 81–3
love
ability to love children 143–4
affairs see affairs, love
choosing a partner 133–5
circle of 65
crushes 189
disappointment in 194–8
and education 144–8
Greek idea of 145
inability to 69
intimate origins of 195–8
and marriage 204–8
relationships see relationships
in response to attack 87–8
Romantic cult of human-to-human love see Romanticism
and secrecy 198–200
self-love 50–51
unrequited 190–92
see also compassion
lying 41–3
Mandeville, Bernard: The Fable of the Bees 238–9, 240
see also politeness
Marcus Aurelius 8
and impulse 205–6
and Romanticism 2
and security 207–8
and slow maturation 206–7
Marshmallow Test 205–6
Marx, Karl 225
Marxism 251
Maslow, Abraham, Pyramid of Needs 244–6, 245
materialism 238
see also consumerism
Matisse, Henri 282
Woman Reading at a Small Table 283
Medici family 12
meditation 67
philosophical 67–71
melancholy 19–20
Montaigne, Michel de 218–19, 246
Morgan, Christiana, Thematic Apperception Test 28–31, 30
Murray, Henry, Thematic Apperception Test 28–31, 30
music 4
nagging 147–8
nature 121–5
neglect 73, 134, 137, 156, 186, 266
Romanticism’s neglect of domestic life 192–4
negotiations 94–8
Netherlands Board of Tourism 271, 274
Netscher, Caspar: The Lacemaker 252–4, 253
normality
arguments of 180–82
and culture 71–3
Ogilvy, David 248
oral sex 151
pain
being out of touch with 161
and the demands of kindness 85–6
panic 25, 36–7, 63, 106, 118, 177, 288
alternatives to 47
partner-as-child theory 141–4
past, the emotional 27–49
amnesia concerning 39–40
and denial 39–40
emotionally healthy childhood 44–9
and self-deception 41–3
unknown past affecting the present 27–31
Patek Philippe 248–9
pessimism 115–16
a diplomat’s pessimism concerning human nature 97
and politeness 89–90
vs sentimentality 277
philosophical meditation 67–71
philosophy/philosophers 4, 8, 11–12, 26
philosophy of consolation 18 see also solace
pineapples 262–6, 263, 264, 265, 269
politeness 88–94
cold 105
exaggerated, of the good child 211
the frank and the polite person 88–94
vs honesty 259
and the stranger 90
and wisdom 292
prices 271
cheapness 262–71
pride, excessive 162
Proust, Marcel: In Search of Lost Time 8, 152–4
psychotherapy 53–67
active listening 57–8
change through 65–7
and importance of a breakdown 73–5
and the inner voice/judge 63–5
interpretation 58–61
and kindness 56
therapeutic relationship 61–3
and time 58
purity 261
Pyrrho 26
Racine, Jean 4
rage 15, 20, 25–6, 115, 116, 143, 172, 178, 250
realism 98
vs idealism 259–60
reassurance 66–7, 69, 102, 139–41, 162, 176, 184, 186
regret 69, 80, 86, 101, 106, 219, 277, 294
relationships
arguments in see arguments
choosing a partner 133–5
and Classical attitudes 132–3
and compromise 200–202
disappointment in 194–8
and domestic life 192–4
falling in love 49, 61, 129, 134
father–son 248–9
and fear of rejection 104, 139–40
of friendship see friendship
getting together 129–48
good enough 288–9
and hellishness of self and others 137–9
and listening 109–12
longing for reassurance 66–7, 139–41, 176, 184, 186
love affairs see affairs, love
and marriage see marriage
over-optimism about 160–61
partner-as-child theory 141–4
and politeness see politeness
reacting to a partner’s tricky behaviour 135–6
restorative complaint prompts 165–8
and secrecy 198–200
sex in see sex
shyness barrier to 100–102
Christian see Christianity
and Romanticism 282
scripture and culture 4–7
Rembrandt 4
resentment 69, 71, 122, 163, 165, 221
resilience 31, 47, 81, 248, 275, 293
Rikyū, Sen no 276
Rilke, Rainer Maria: ‘Archaic Torso of Apollo’ 70
ritual 14–15
robustness 91–2
Romanticism 2
and arguments 169
Classical vs Romantic culture 132–3, 257–62
and crushes 189
and the exotic 261
German 70
and intuition 257
and kindness 99
and marriage 2
neglect of domestic life 192–4
and the rare 261
as replacement of religion 282
Rorschach, Hermann, inkblot test 28, 29
Rosenzweig, Saul, Picture-Frustration Study 31, 32
Rousseau, Jean-Jacques 88, 239–40
routine 261
Ruisdael, Jacob van 271–4
The Windmill at Wijk bij Duurstede 273
Sainsbury Centre for the Visual Arts 232, 233, 234
Sainsbury family 232
sanity 18
and sane insanity 18–19
scepticism, emotional 26–7
Schopenhauer, Arthur 4
scripture 4–7
secrecy 198–200
good children as keepers of 211
secularism/secularization 3–7, 15
security 207–8
self-acceptance 292
self-certainty see confidence/self-certainty
self-criticism 113–14
self-deception 41–3
self-esteem 50–51, 63, 103, 115, 117, 245
see also confidence/self-certainty
self-help 7–8
self-knowledge 25–75
difficulty of 25–6
and the emotional past see past, the emotional
and psychotherapy see psychotherapy
self-awareness of an interesting person 101
and self-deception 41–3
and self-ignorance 25–6
and window daydreaming 120–21
Seneca 8
sex
anal 151–2
erotic disengagement 158
and Freud 150–51
in love affairs 163–4 see also affairs, love
meaning of sexual excitement 150–54
no-sex argument 186–8
oral 151
problems of a grown-up ‘good child’ around 212
sexual degradation/defilement 152–4
sexual desirability 99
sexual liberation 149–50
sexual understanding 3
and tension 115
The Merchant of Venice 100
shaming 157
shirking 148
shyness 100–102
simplicity 20–21
sin 89–90
Smith, Adam 227
and Marx 225
The Wealth of Nations 224, 241
social catastrophe 112–14
Socrates 26
and culture 277–88
solitude 119–20
sorrow 19–20, 80, 188, 203, 244
intergenerational 67
reliving 60
and therapies 69
specialization 223–8
spontaneity 258–9
status 81, 108, 123, 216, 244, 252, 277
pursuit of 21
strangers 50, 65, 72, 79, 80, 90
and dreams of fame 220–21
to ourselves 25–6
transformed into friends 103
weakness of 83–5
sublimity/the sublime 123–4
success 36, 63, 65, 81, 116, 138, 221
and impostor syndrome 216, 219
and self-esteem 115
and wisdom 294
suffering
through self-ignorance 25–6
for ‘small things’ 21
supermarkets 228–30, 229, 231, 232, 235
teasing 107–9
Terence 101
therapeutic relationship 61–3
time
the emotional past see past, the emotional
and psychotherapy 58
sense of 27
Tobias and the Angel 286
Verrocchio, Workshop of, painting 287
Tolstoy, Leo 246
transitional objects 282–5
trust 3, 52, 62, 89, 99, 152, 153, 180
broken 42
and impostor syndrome 217
Turgenev, Ivan 84–5
Verrocchio, Andrea del, and Tobias and the Angel 286, 287
Voltaire 246
vulnerability 3, 21, 34, 56, 69, 91–2, 102–3
and fame 221–2
wabi-sabi 276
Wagner, Richard 4
warmth 105–7
warm teasing 108
and communism 251
pursuit of 21
and virtue 240, 241 see also philanthropists
Whitman, Walt: ‘Song of Myself’ 223–4
will, weakness of (akrasia) 11–12
window daydreaming 120–21
wisdom 290–95
and appreciation 291
and calm 295
of compromise 200–202
and envy 293–4
and forgiveness 292–3
and friendship 64–5
and humour 291–2
of melancholy attitude 20
and politeness 292
and regrets 294
and resilience 293
and self-acceptance 292
success, failure and 294
witnessing 54–5
work
and the capitalist society see capitalism
‘division of labour’ 224
and fame 219–23
good-enough jobs 289
psychological effects of 225–6
specialization 223–8
and under-confidence 213–19
worldliness 55
Wren, Christopher, south tower of St Paul’s Cathedral 265, 266
Zen