The exploration and growth associated with a mindful approach to life is a lifelong process. As we revisit these principles throughout our own lives, we constantly find new ways to turn toward our emotions, let go of the struggle to avoid distress, and live our lives more fully and meaningfully. We hope you will too. Anxiety and fear are natural emotional states that will ebb and flow as you courageously face challenges, opening yourself up to opportunities and risks. Just as we—and you—can hope to make mindful discoveries along the way, we’ll encounter difficult times that will bring up urges to avoid, withdraw, and shut down. At these times you may find as we have, over and over again, that you lose the mindful way of being and need to reconnect. This chapter offers some of our ideas for keeping this way of being alive in your life even when the going gets tough.
If you are just reading the book through for the first time, we think (as mentioned in the Introduction) it can be extremely helpful to revisit certain chapters so you can more fully apply the concepts that seem most likely to pave your way through anxiety. This may be the right moment to go back and read over previous chapters if you feel like you’re still struggling with willingness (Chapters 8 and 9) or muddy emotions (Chapters 6, 7, and 12). Sometimes willingness is more accessible when we have more clearly identified what matters most to us, so that we can vividly imagine the mountain ahead of us as we wade through the swamp, occasionally stumbling and getting mud on our faces; Chapters 10 and 11 may be worth revisiting to further clarify your values.
If you haven’t started a regular mindfulness practice or gone through all of the exercises, working through the exercises and practices in each chapter can be a concrete way to start bringing the book into your life. Or you may feel ready to think about what you’ve learned and how you might maintain and continue the path of growth you have begun. If so, please read on!
Elena had been practicing mindfulness for 8 weeks. She set aside time each morning to do a formal mindfulness practice, either noticing her breath or listening to sounds, and she tried to bring gentle awareness to her experience throughout her day. She enjoyed the time she set aside during the morning, although often her mind was racing with things she had to do during the day, so it was hard to shift her awareness back to her breath or the sounds around her. She found herself judging herself for being “bad” at mindfulness but remembered to practice compassion and that it was natural to find it hard to slow her busy mind. She found that this practice helped her start her day feeling less caught in her anxiety and stress than she used to, yet she still found anxious sensations and thoughts arising as she made her way through the day.
One day she had a presentation to do at work. During her morning practice, her mind kept drifting to the topic of the presentation, rehearsing what she would say, anticipating questions people would ask. Each time she noticed this, she gently guided her awareness back to her breath, imagining her attention was like a puppy being paper-trained, requiring gentle guidance back to the paper each time it wandered off. As she took the subway to work, she was aware of all the anxious thoughts she was having, as well as the sensations of tightness in her chest and the dryness in her throat in anticipation of the presentation. Although judgments of these reactions arose for her, along with thoughts that she shouldn’t be having these reactions anymore because of her mindfulness practice, she was able to bring compassion to her experience and recognize that these were human responses to doing something that was important to her. As she stood in front of her coworkers, she began to feel light-headed and faint. Familiar habits set in, and her attention became narrowed onto her physical sensations of anxiety. Elena judged these sensations to be dangerous, and she tried to prevent them from increasing. She had trouble remembering what she was trying to say and had to search through her notes to find her place. Her hands were shaking, and she could feel her face becoming flushed. As familiar critical thoughts arose (“I look like an idiot,” “They’re all wondering why I have this position if I can’t put together a coherent sentence,” “I’ll never get through this”) she was able to notice that these were just thoughts and that she didn’t have to get entangled in them. Elena took a breath and allowed her attention to expand. She compassionately acknowledged the presence of anxiety, reminded herself that she had information she really wanted to share with her coworkers, and focused on this value-based action.
After Elena successfully made her way through the presentation, she felt depleted but pleased with her accomplishment. However, when a coworker asked her if she wanted to go to lunch, she immediately declined without thinking about it. After the coworker left, she remembered her intention to increase her social interactions at work because she valued human connection and was missing it. She began to criticize herself for missing an opportunity to take a valued action and again remembered to practice self-compassion and recognize that instinctively avoiding is a natural response, particularly when feeling depleted. She took a few minutes to practice the 3-minute breathing space at her desk and then mindfully ate her sandwich before she turned her attention back to her tasks for the day. She made a commitment to ask her coworker to lunch the following day instead.
The course of change is different for all of us, and you could be at a number of different points in the process, depending on your personal learning history and relationship with anxiety and other emotions, the current stresses or supports in your life, and how much time you’ve applied to the exercises and practices in the book. You may have only begun to notice a slight shift in your habitual, anxious ways of responding to life, like Elena. Please don’t think that means something is wrong. As we’ve noted before, anxious and avoidant habits take a long time to develop and establish, and living a mindful, engaged life is a process, not a goal. If you’ve been struggling with anxiety for a long time, this is just the beginning of a fulfilling and meaningful journey. The absence of dramatic change in your life at this minute does not mean you won’t experience substantial changes as you go forward. Elena has begun to disrupt her habitual ways of responding and to experience more flexibility. As she continues to practice and apply her newly learned skills, these changes will expand and become even more noticeable. On the other hand, if your life is particularly challenging at the moment, you may find even the slightest change very encouraging, and you may see more dramatic changes as life continues to unfold. Or you may have realized while reading this book that you would like some outside help in applying these principles to your life. A therapist can be very helpful as we try to change long-standing habits of responding (see our suggestions in the Introduction for how to find a therapist).
Jin had been practicing mindfulness both formally and informally for several weeks, as well as engaging in valued actions in many areas of his life. Before he began practicing, he had tried to keep his emotions at bay and restricted his life in ways that were ultimately unsatisfying. During that time, he experienced a constant low level of tension and anxiety as he tried to keep things “under control.” Since beginning his regular mindfulness practice and practicing turning toward, rather than away from, his internal experience, Jin realized how constrained his life was. He noticed feelings of loneliness and a desire to make a significant emotional connection with someone, so he began online dating. By being mindful during his team meetings, he noticed that he often had ideas to share, but kept quiet for fear his ideas would be rejected. He began to share these ideas during meetings. Jin felt satisfied with his new engagement in life, although he did find that he experienced more intense anxiety just before dates or when he first began to speak in a meeting. He was able to see this anxiety as part of engaging in a full life. Each time it arose, he practiced mindfulness and found that his anxiety decreased over time when he stayed present in a given situation.
Perhaps, like Jin, you’ve made some major changes in your life, moving forward where you used to avoid, taking actions consistent with your values. Don’t be surprised if you sometimes seem more anxious than you did before, when your life was more constrained. Fully engaging in life in new ways is unsettling, even if it is ultimately rewarding. We hope the mindfulness skills you have been developing can help you see this discomfort and anxiety as something that will rise and fall, not a permanent state of being or a sign that something is wrong.
Some people notice more dramatic changes right away and feel like they’re in a new, exciting place, which makes them hope these changes last so that the struggles of the past are behind them. Suzanne found that after many weeks of mindfulness practice, values clarification, and engaging in valued actions, she rarely experienced the social anxiety that had been such a hindrance to her life before. She practiced mindful yoga each day and was able to bring gentle, compassionate awareness to social contexts so that she could interact with people openheartedly, regardless of the self-critical thoughts that sometimes arose. She found her new social connections so satisfying that it was easy for her to continue this new habit of social engagement, which was radically different from her previous actions. She hoped that social anxiety and avoidance were behind her. If you’re experiencing something similar, enjoy the present moment but also read our thoughts on how to maintain gains when the inevitable challenges arise.
Or you may be someplace in between—hopeful, but worried that these changes won’t hold or that you’ll forget what you’ve learned here.
Each of these positions contains hope for the future.
Summing Up What You Have Learned
When our clients prepare to leave therapy, we always take some time to help them sum up what has been most meaningful to them about the work we’ve done together so they can carry forward the things that have helped them and return to them whenever times get tough. The general principles we’ve examined together are listed below. Read them over and think about the ways that each was specifically meaningful to you. There may be particular metaphors (like the swamp metaphor, or the idea of paddling out to catch a big wave), mindfulness exercises, phrases (like “drop the rope” or “it’s already here”) that resonated with you. Take some time to jot these in your notebook so you can refer back to them for reminders of what has helped you when you need extra help in the future.
Summary of Principles in This Book
In this book you learned:
• Techniques to increase your present moment focus and clarify your awareness, such as:
— Self-awareness (monitoring thoughts, sensations, and emotions).
— Mindfulness (focus on present-moment nonjudgmental observation of your actual experience).
— Bringing compassion and kindness to your experience, helping to clarify it.
• How to turn toward your emotions rather than turning away from them or trying to control them:
— Emotions and thoughts (positively and negatively evaluated) are part of being human and give us important information.
— Attempts to control thoughts and feelings can backfire and increase distress, making our emotions “muddy” and harder to understand.
— Increasing your willingness to experience all thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations can open you up to more choices in your life.
— Recognizing thoughts as thoughts and feelings as feelings and observing how they rise and fall, rather than seeing them as the truth, can increase our willingness.
• Making valued choices about your behavior enriches life:
— You wrote about what matters to you in relationships, work/school/household management, and self-nourishment and community involvement.
— You chose to make a commitment to live your life in a certain way.
— You learned the importance of focusing on values and process, rather than solely on goals and outcomes.
— You began to choose actions in your daily life rather than reacting to situations and thoughts and feelings.
Awareness, mindfulness, willingness, and value-guided action (or valued action) are all concepts that you can continue to work toward. They are processes, not goals to be met or completed.
MAKING MINDFULNESS A REGULAR PART OF YOUR LIFE
Throughout this book we’ve described a number of very different mindfulness exercises, from breathing to imagery to poetry. Not surprisingly, people usually develop favorites. You likely find certain mindfulness exercises helpful and practice them regularly while others just don’t seem to fit your experience. Every few weeks, try an exercise you
haven’t done for a while to bring
beginner’s mind to your practice and
further your exploration and growth.We recommend that you stick with those practices that you’ve found helpful and use them regularly, but also use some of the other practices from time to time. Doing so can help you bring beginner’s mind to your practice so that it doesn’t become such a rote habit that you stop truly opening up to and noticing the present moment with fresh eyes as part of your practice. A different practice can bring new challenges or observations that can help to keep the process of mindfulness alive. So every couple of weeks, or once a month, try an exercise that you haven’t done in a while to see what you discover.
We also recommend certain practices for specific purposes:
• Mindfulness of the breath is an excellent basic, portable practice that you can use both formally and informally and that is always accessible.
• Breathing space (Chapter 11) is a nice variation of this practice that can help you check in when racing from one activity to another or when feeling confused or out of sorts. In both of those exercises the breath can serve as a quick way to anchor you to the present moment.
• Checking in with your body can be extremely helpful in monitoring stress, particularly given the ways that physical tension can muddy emotions. A brief version of mindfulness of physical sensations (Chapter 5) can help you notice when your stress level has increased, and practicing progressive muscle relaxation (Chapter 5) regularly may also help to reduce your general stress level, decreasing muddy responding more broadly.
• When you are confused by your emotional responses or you have a reaction that seems more intense than the situation warrants, you may find that mindfulness of emotions, or mindfulness of emotions and physical sensations (Chapters 6 and 7, respectively) can help bring clarity.
• When your thoughts are racing, or you feel tangled up in them, we recommend practicing putting your thoughts on clouds, leaves, or a movie screen (as described in Chapter 9). These practices help you develop a sense of thoughts as separate from yourself and help you watch your thoughts come and go rather than feeling compelled to react to them.
• If you find that you are having trouble seeing situations flexibly and that you are bringing the same expectations to each situation, rather than watching what unfolds, practices such as mindfulness of sounds (Chapter 5) or eating a meal mindfully can help you cultivate beginner’s mind again so that you can bring this open perspective to circumstances in your life.
• During difficult times or when you’re struggling with willingness, we find mindfully reading “The Guest House” (Chapter 9) or practicing “inviting a difficulty in” (Chapter 12) to be particularly useful.
• Finally, the mountain meditation (Chapter 11) can help you connect to your inner strength and stability, even in the midst of uncertainty and change.
Of course, these are just a few of the formal mindfulness practices that are available to you, and we are only offering our experiences with how they may be useful. What is most important is that you reflect on your own experience and consider what has helped you during particular times or circumstances. Take some time now to think about this and write your observations in your notebook so that you can refer to them later when you want to choose an exercise to practice.
At this point, you may have established enough of a habit of mindfulness practice that you have some experience with what works best for you. As illustrated by the people described above, you may be doing formal practice (sitting, walking, yoga, tai chi, or some other form of martial arts) daily or several times a week. You may be practicing informally regularly and doing formal practice less frequently but still regularly. Or you may still be trying to find the right routine for you. If you’re having trouble establishing a regular routine, you may want to find some outside support, like a regular yoga class or meditation group or a group of friends to sit with weekly so that you can make mindfulness a regular part of your life. You can also set up cues to keep your informal practice regular, like noticing your breath each time the phone rings, or at red lights, or in the elevator, or when your baby cries, so that you are brought back to the present moment repeatedly during the day. Practicing mindfulness regularly as you transition from one activity to the next can also be helpful (e.g., on the way to work, while walking to a meeting, on your way to pick up your kids). If mindfulness isn’t already a regular part of your life, take a few moments now and think about strategies for regular mindfulness practice that you think you can fit into your ongoing daily life and write some ideas in your notebook. Try some out over the next few weeks and then revisit the list if you feel like they haven’t been successful. Remember that if you can’t make formal practice part of your life right now, you can still bring moments of informal practice to your experience.
Making mindfulness a natural part of your daily routine is an important way to help keep the changes you have made and to continue the process of growth that you have begun while reading this book. Bringing gentle, compassionate, expanded awareness to your life as you live it will help you:
• notice natural tendencies to turn away from emotions and instead turn toward them
• notice muddy emotional responses and clarify them so that you can listen to the information your emotions are giving you, yet make choices about the actions you take
• reduce automatic efforts to control your emotions that end up increasing your distress
• hoose valued actions instead of habitual avoidance so that you live a full, meaningful life
For most of us, no matter how much we practice, it’s easy to forget and to slip into a cycle of mindlessness. Having a regular routine can help us remember to bring mindfulness to our daily lives. Other reminders can also be helpful. I (L. R.) have objects on my desk at school and artwork both at home and at school that I associate with the practice of mindfulness. Each time I see these items, I’m brought back to the present moment and reminded to bring gentleness and compassion to my awareness. These help me keep mindfulness present through busy days when many frustrated responses arise. Reading books about mindfulness can also be helpful. At the end of this book we include a list of books that we and the people with whom we have worked have found helpful. You may want to try some of these, particularly during times when you feel like your mindfulness practice has gotten further away from you for some reason. It can also be helpful to return to the audio recordings of exercises available on the book website when your regular mindfulness practice has lapsed. Although having a personal practice without recordings can help you own your practice more fully, listening to a recording can help to recharge your practice when it’s slipped away from you.
Staying Aware of Your Triggers and Patterns
While you went through the exercises in this book, you also may have learned some new things about your emotional responses. Through monitoring and bringing mindfulness to your everyday life, you probably noticed that certain situations, thoughts, sensations, or emotions are likely to lead to strong, muddy reactions for you, or that there are certain times when you are particularly likely to avoid rather than engage in your life. You may have become more aware of automatic responses you have to your anxiety—self-criticism, despair, distraction. Take some time now to think about what you have learned that you think will help you moving forward. Writing down your insights about
how mindfulness is helping you
now will be useful to you months
from now when you just can’t
remember what you learned.It can be useful to make a list of these lessons—the perspectives you have gained that help you live a full, meaningful life, the signals you have recognized that indicate that you are being reactive or that your emotions are muddy, and the situations that are particularly likely to lead to an anxious spiral (so you may want to practice mindfulness before, during, and/ or after them). Writing these things down now will be helpful 4, 6, or 10 months from now, when you’re trying to remember what you found helpful about this book. In our busy lives, it can be challenging to remember even important insights because so many other things grab our attention.
Staying Connected to Value-Based Living
Living a valued life is also something that we bring our awareness to time and time again. Our old habits of avoiding distress, acting reflexively rather than intentionally, and ignoring what matters most to us can come back during times of busyness or stress. And what matters to us can change over time, so revisiting each domain of living and exploring what is important to us can help us continue to engage in actions that are meaningful and consistent with our values. Setting aside time each week, or every other week, to look over past writing about our values or to reread Chapters 10 and 11 in this book can help you stay connected to what matters most to you so that you can make choices in your daily life that will be satisfying and enriching.
The Natural Ebb and Flow of Changing Our Lives
Research (and life experience) clearly shows that, although significant change is possible in many areas (anxiety, depression, substance use, eating disorders, etc.), we never fully unlearn old habits, and we can expect them to reemerge, particularly during times of stress or change. Although this may seem discouraging, it doesn’t have to be. Any time an old habit reemerges, we have the opportunity to revisit all we’ve learned, reapply the skills developed, and generate change all over again. And changes that we have already made come much more quickly when we revisit them. In fact, if we catch the signs of old habits early, we can get back on track very quickly if we revisit our past learning.
One of the most important lessons about maintaining gains and changes we’ve made is to actively respond to any signs of old habits returning, rather than despairing over a loss of changes we’ve made. Research suggests that a lapse, such as a recurrence of insomnia, a panic attack, or excessive worry, does not necessarily lead to a relapse, or chronic problem. Instead, lapses are a part of the change process.Mindful acceptance of lapses
can prevent relapses. If we see these occurrences as a natural part of an evolving life, and as reminders that we want to revisit the skills we learned and the perspectives we gained so that we can apply this approach again in our new situation, we can make our way back to where we were before the lapse and continue our process of growth. Of course, it’s natural to feel discouraged initially if it looks like we’ve lost gains or “backtracked.” Noticing the thoughts and feelings that arise, including the negative self-judgments that are likely to occur, and bringing compassion to ourselves for them will help us move forward and apply our skills to the new context.
Irina had a history of panic attacks, as well as significant fear that another attack would recur, which had significantly limited her life. By engaging in a process of turning toward rather than away from her experiences, expanding her awareness, increasing her willingness, and choosing value-guided actions, she made significant changes in her life. She found that when she could see her panic symptoms as natural bodily responses that would pass in time and could choose not to act on the message of threat these sensations seemed to convey, she began to fear them less and they actually began to decrease in both frequency and intensity. After several months of expanding her life so that she spent more time with friends and loved ones, pursued new challenges at work, and became involved in her community in ways that were important to her, she spent a few months without a single panic attack. Then one day she was late to work and had to skip breakfast and run to catch the bus. As she pushed her way onto the crowded bus, she felt her heart rate increasing and her breath becoming more shallow and rapid. She felt a familiar pang of dread as these symptoms were followed by thoughts about passing out and her inability to escape the situation. These thoughts were followed by dismay at the thought that all her gains had been lost and that she was right back where she had started. She got off at the next stop, felt profound relief to be out of the situation, called in sick to work, and returned home. Over the next several days she experienced several panic attacks, began to restrict her life again, and wondered what to do now that she was back to her old “anxious self.”
A good friend of Irina’s insisted on bringing over take-out one night and, while they ate their food, the friend asked Irina to tell her about what she had found helpful in the past for her symptoms of panic. Although Irina was reluctant to think about the approach she had used because she now doubted its usefulness, she began to tell her friend the things she remembered. As she described the way she had been able to see her panic when she learned about the cycle of anxiety and the way her reactions could turn clear emotions muddy and muddy emotions even more muddy, Irina realized that she had grown so used to her anxiety-free existence of the preceding few months that she had forgotten that her meaningful accomplishment had been living a full life, not becoming free of panic attacks. In fact, during the initial months she had continued to have panic attacks but had been able to see them as responses her body had and not signals that she should change her life. In the absence of panic symptoms, she hadn’t had the opportunity to practice that response in many weeks, so she had forgotten that skill and reverted to her old habit of avoidance and constriction. She resolved to return to her newly learned habits and reengage in her life. She also began to practice mindfulness in the shower each morning so that she could continue to practice turning toward whatever experiences arose and be better prepared for the occasional symptoms of panic that she might encounter. From that point on, Irina still experienced occasional symptoms of panic, which were more intense and frequent during times of stress or poor self-care, yet she was able to continue to live a fulfilling life and did not experience any recurrences of panic disorder.
It is human to prefer calm to anxiety, happiness to despair, and compassion to anger. No matter how often any of us practice welcoming all of our emotions as “The Guest House” suggests (or how many times some of us write about doing this!), we will all find ourselves attaching to experiences of pleasant emotions and being alarmed by experiences of negative emotion. And sometimes we will compound that response by judging ourselves for the emotions, or the reactions, and/or by restricting our lives. We have spent many years developing these habits, and they will reemerge from time to time. There is no way to keep from having these reactions; all we can do is notice them, be impressed by how persistent these habits are, and gently turn ourselves back to a stance of willingness and acceptance. And we can make this turn at any moment—the moment our negative reaction and tendency to avoid arise, hours after it happens, days or weeks later, or even years later. In any moment, we have the possibility of remembering that this way of being has not worked for us and we would like to revisit a way of being that seemed to open more possibility for us in our lives. Of course, if we remember earlier, the journey back is quicker and easier. But we are all capable of more challenging journeys as well. We just need to take the first steps of noticing and turning toward.
Signs That We May Want to Revisit Mindfulness and Valued Action
The following are some general signs that it may be useful to reconnect to your mindfulness practice and/or value-guided living. You may have also noticed some signals that are more specific to you. In your notebook, write down any of these that you think may apply to you, as well as those specific signs that you have observed in your own life. When these signals occur in your life, find ways to bring regular mindfulness practice back into your life or refresh your ongoing mindfulness practice, explore what matters to you, and begin to intentionally practice value-based action across the domains in your life.
• Feeling an increased level of general anxiety or uneasiness
• Worrying with increased frequency or intensity
• Feeling generally “stressed out” and frazzled
• Feeling checked out or disconnected
• Having muddy emotional responses more frequently and intensely (see indicators on page 136)
• Feeling constrained in your life—like you don’t have freedom or flexibility or choice
• Feeling burdened or put upon
• Repeatedly passing up opportunities to socialize or engage in other actions that reflect your values because you are too busy or tired
• Repeatedly engaging in avoidance behaviors such as excessive sleeping, watching TV, surfing the Web, eating junk food
• Repeatedly thinking that things will get better after this one hurdle is passed
WHEN LIFE EVENTS (BOTH PLEASANT AND UNPLEASANT) PRESENT CHALLENGES
All of us face new challenges in living a mindful, value-guided life as our lives change. Sometimes it comes as a surprise that even positive life events, like committing to a partner, taking a new job, or having children, alter our lives in ways that can lead to increased anxiety, make it hard to live consistently with our values in each domain, and require adjustments. Someone who has been working toward finding a meaningful committed relationship, for example, may imagine that life will be easier once that relationship is formalized. But along with the joy and contentment that a committed relationship can bring, it also requires continual attention and intentional action. Plus, the time devoted to this relationship is likely to lead to changes in other domains of life, like self-nourishment, friendships, or work.
When we encounter life changes, it can be helpful to revisit the principles in this book and redo some of the values writing assignments so we can move forward in enriching and fulfilling ways. Taking the time to reattend to each area of life, clarifying values in these areas, and choosing new actions that can fit into changed life circumstances can help you stay on course. As we discussed in Chapter 11, the balance across domains may shift and be uneven at times (e.g., if you have a new relationship, you may focus on it so much that your work or friendships suffer for a bit), but over time attending to all domains in a way that is consistent with what is important to you contributes to an overall sense of purpose and well-being.
Similar adjustments take place when a couple has their first child. While this is an enormously meaningful addition to life, Even the positive changes that
we desire can throw us off
course and require mindfully
revisiting our values and the
actions we choose to take in the
important domains of our lives. aspects of their relationship that used to be easy to maintain may now require some more focused attention and care. More subtle shifts can also take place over time (as children enter new developmental periods), so it can be helpful to check in on all of the domains of your life from time to time to make sure that you are living a life you choose, rather than reacting to changing circumstances reflexively.
Changes in our patterns, even when positive, are also likely to disrupt the routines we’ve developed for mindfulness practice. When I (L. R.) became seriously involved with the man who is now my husband, I was going to my yoga studio five to six times a week. This regular practice helped me bring mindfulness to activities throughout my day. When I began choosing to spend evenings with Josh instead of going to the studio, cultivating a regular practice became more challenging for me. Eventually I began a morning meditation practice (even though I always thought that getting up earlier in the morning would never work for me). Still, each semester when my school schedule changes, it takes me some time to settle into a new routine. Informal practice and reminders are helpful during these times—writing a book on mindfulness has helped a lot. When it is done, I will have to find some new reminders!
Significant, distressing life events can, of course, seriously challenge our intent to live a mindful, value-guided life. When we experience a traumatic event, such as illness or injury (to us or a loved one), when we lose our jobs, or when someone we love dies, our lives are disrupted in significant ways. Or we may experience a number of more minor stressors that increase our overall sense of uneasiness and distress. Pressing financial, emotional, and physical demands need our time and attention. For many of us, these are times when we are most likely to forget what we have learned and revert to old habits—trying to distract ourselves from our pain by eating or drinking too much, working too much, watching TV, or doing other things that may bring some relief in the moment but do not enhance our lives. For instance, I (L. R.) have an overlearned habit of immediately ignoring all I have learned about self-care when my life becomes stressful and chaotic. Needless to say, staying up too late, eating poorly, and failing to exercise rarely help me manage my stress any better, yet it often still takes me a few days to notice that I have fallen into this pattern and may take me even longer to alter it. Sometimes, though, I can remember this habit and begin to focus on self-care as soon as life becomes challenging. This consistently leads me to manage my life much more effectively, no matter how challenging it becomes. The better developed our mindfulness practice is, the more likely we are to notice when we’re slipping into old habits.
Sometimes people struggle with the question of how mindfulness can help in the face of such serious stressors. Doubt and skepticism can make it hard to find the time to practice mindfulness when one’s life is already overflowing with chores and obligations. And, after all, how can breathing help with financial difficulties or poetry with serious illness? When we work with clients who are grappling with these issues, our first response is sincere empathy and compassion. Life is hard, unfair, and unpredictable, and losses, accidents, injuries, and illnesses bring significant pain. Unfortunately, although what we understandably want is to undo what has been done, the choice we have, at least in a particular moment, is often either to struggle against and muddy clear pain or to be mindful of it. Mindfulness practice cannot directly affect these life-altering events and situations that we so deeply wish to control. But it is a way to be kind and nourishing to ourselves in the face of adversity and to help us bring some clarity to confusing situations and often-unanswerable questions. And if there is some action to be taken, not to undo the event but to respond to it, mindfulness can help us do so thoughtfully and in a way that is consistent with our values.
When someone we love becomes chronically ill or dies, we naturally feel deep sadness and/or fear. Even when we have learned that we can face a range of emotional experiences, such powerful emotions can feel so overwhelming in these situations that we think we cannot possibly withstand them and must try to suppress or avoid our pain. A similar response is common to traumatic experiences, such as an assault or a natural disaster. Yet these emotions cannot be fully suppressed or avoided. We may discover that distraction or avoidance is helpful at times, but we will also learn that we need to honor the pain we feel in some way. A grieving widow may find that going to see a comedy with some friends gives her a needed respite from her sadness, so that she can face it more fully later that night. A sexual abuse survivor may purposely avoid disclosing his experiences to someone who makes insensitive comments about incest or may decline an invitation to see a movie with explicit rape scenes. Nonetheless, the widow and the survivor will discover that there are times when they do need to turn toward the pain they are experiencing, and that they can face even very painful emotions using the skills developed here. Self-compassion and mindfulness are extremely helpful in the face of deep pain; in fact, many people come to these practices only because they have found no other way to respond successfully to this type of pain, while they were able to distract and avoid effectively in response to less intense emotions.
Sometimes losses or traumas provide a context in which it is even easier to live a valued life because they highlight what really matters to us. Death may remind us of the importance of living our lives while we can. When families and loved ones come together in the face of a challenge, all can be reminded of the importance of those relationships and may be able to put petty differences aside or let go of grievances that have been held for too long. Other times, though, when our pain evokes the natural desire to constrict and avoid, these experiences can lead us to feel like there is no point in choosing our actions, or that we should withdraw from connections to avoid more loss in the future. Our efforts to avoid our distress can lead us to be more reactive so that our emotions become muddy and increase the chances that we will engage in actions that we do not choose and may make our lives even more stressful and challenging. Returning to petty differences and engaging in anger at various slights can bring momentary relief and distraction from the depth of our pain, so that we begin to bicker and argue rather than feel sad or scared.
These are all natural responses to loss and pain and may happen to any of us, regardless of how committed we are to living a value-based, mindful life. Yet, again, at any moment we can notice and make a choice to bring open-hearted mindfulness to this situation. We may happen to catch a look of sadness in the eyes of the cousin we are berating for her thoughtlessness, or notice the physical tension throughout our bodies, or see a smiling baby and remember that there are moments of joy even in the face of sorrow. Or we may bring our awareness to our breath as we inhale, exhale, and inhale again. And this moment may stop the spiral, briefly at least, and open up some other possibilities, so that we have flexibility and choice again, even in the face of our pain.
In addition to returning to our mindfulness practice during these times, we may want to revisit what matters to us. Returning to the writing exercises earlier in the book can be a way to reconnect to our lives and our values and to revise them in light of the experience we have just had. Many people who experience traumatic events find that they are able to discover a new or stronger sense of purpose in their lives moving forward, even as they experience distress and despair. Life events may lead to some values diminishing while others emerge, or may change the ways we live our values in particular domains.
Steps to Take During Challenging Times
• Review notebook and book. An important first step is refamiliarizing yourself with the aspects of this approach that you found helpful. Review the personal lists you have made. Reread the chapters in the book that cover areas that you feel like you have drifted from. For most people, rereading Chapter 12 will be important—self-compassion is one of the hardest habits to develop, and self-criticism is a habit that often comes back during times of stress.
• Reestablish or rejuvenate mindfulness practice. If you have stopped practicing regularly, restarting some type of regular mindfulness practice is an excellent strategy during a challenging time. You may want to revisit audio recordings of exercises to restart your practice and then gradually fade them out of your regular practice. Often, the act of practicing mindfulness will stimulate associations with perspectives you have found helpful and will allow you to begin to experience more flexibility in your life much more rapidly than the first time around. If you have maintained a regular practice, times of challenge provide an excellent opportunity for exploring a different practice for a while to see if new observations emerge. Changing from sitting to moving practice (e.g., walking meditation or yoga) or mindfulness of breath to mindfulness of emotions may be helpful. Or if you think you may be using formal practice to avoid some stressors or challenges in your life that need to be faced directly, you may actually want to reduce or suspend your practice and focus more on informal practice during the challenging time. Although routines can be very helpful in supporting the establishment of new habits, they also increase our risk of operating on automatic pilot. Switching routines can help us bring a fresh perspective to our experience.
• Practice informal mindfulness. Challenging circumstances often naturally evoke avoidance so that we are very likely to find that we have become less mindful in our daily lives. In addition, challenges often claim all our attention so that we find it harder to remember to be mindful. Incorporating mindfulness into aspects of our daily life (eating meals, walking to meetings, brushing our teeth, taking a shower) can help counteract these tendencies so we can continue to have the benefit of mindfulness as we face these new challenges. Being mindful in the midst of challenging situations (arguments with a partner, difficult meetings at work) will help us notice our reactions and choose our actions intentionally.
• Attend to self-care. Changes in our lives often lead to disruptions in our routines of self-care (sleep cycles, healthy eating, regular exercise, etc). While this is inevitable, we are likely to be more able to respond to challenges skillfully if we put some effort into eating regularly, getting sufficient sleep, and spending some time in nourishing activities. Remember that failures in self-care contribute to muddy emotional responding, which makes it harder to learn from your emotional responses and more likely that distress will feel intense and overwhelming. Even when it seems like there is no time at all for these efforts, a small investment is likely to save you time recovering from reactivity and dealing with values-inconsistent actions you may have taken mindlessly. That is certainly what we find each time we allow our self-care to slip and then force ourselves to make time for it again (and yet we still have to learn the lesson again and again!).
• Make commitments to value-guided action each day/week. Over time we all move from planned, valued actions to a more natural process of living according to our values, where we may not explicitly make a commitment each week or monitor our actions but instead hold the concept of living a life we value as sort of a compass that guides our actions. However, during challenging times it can be helpful to revisit this more structured practice and return to intentional behavior consistent with our values so that we do not slip into habitual avoidance or begin to constrain our lives in the face of our stress or pain. We may find that we choose to reduce some of our usual activities or make changes in what we value, as described above. Nonetheless, maintaining our awareness about the choices we are making will help us navigate challenging circumstances in ways that are less depleting and more fulfilling.
Miguel valued providing for his family and took great pride in his ability to financially support his wife and children by working regular hours and overtime at his job. Two years earlier he had moved to a new company with better pay, and his family had enjoyed the new opportunities this increase in salary had provided for them, such as summer camps for the kids and a vacation for Miguel and his wife. However, when Miguel’s company downsized, Miguel was one of the first to be let go. The economy was bad all over, so Miguel had to make do with unemployment checks while he continued to search, unsuccessfully, for a new job. Both he and his wife picked up work through temp agencies and subcontracting, and they were able to continue to pay their bills and support themselves, but summer camps and vacations had to be canceled.
At first Miguel had an understandably difficult time adjusting to this change. He felt that he was no longer able to live according to his value of providing for his family, because he could not find a well-paying job to replace the one he had lost. Each time the family had to go without something they had had before, Miguel worried that he was letting them down. He felt anxious about the opportunities his children were losing and his inability to find a job to replace his old one. Miguel found it painful to look at the disappointment on his children’s faces and began to spend more time alone in the garage so that his family saw him less and less. When his wife and kids expressed their desire to see him more, he reacted by thinking that this was more evidence of his worthlessness and the ways he was letting them down. His anxiety increased, and he was even more motivated to avoid them.
We can all understand Miguel’s response. When we face situations that keep us from providing for the people we love, we all can have thoughts that question our own worth, which may then lead us to overlook the ways we can continue to contribute to their lives despite these obstacles. When the future is uncertain, anxiety, worry, and doubt are natural, expected responses. When Miguel noticed how much he was missing spending time with his family, he began to reengage with them, despite the anxious and painful thoughts and feelings that arose when he was reminded of the losses they were experiencing. One day Miguel was playing catch with his son in the yard, but his mind was caught up in self-critical thoughts and worries. His attention shifted when he noticed the smile on his son’s face, and then he purposely brought himself back into the present moment, where he began to feel the peace and happiness of connecting with his son and the simple joy of playing outside on a beautiful spring afternoon. Later that evening, Miguel reflected on what mattered to him. He realized that now that he was working fewer hours he could spend some additional time with his children and his wife, and he committed to mindfully taking some new valued actions in this domain, while still continuing to look for more steady work. He picked his children up from school when he could and began planning family outings that cost little or no money. Miguel was extremely moved by how much the kids seemed to enjoy simply being with him more. When he was first laid off, the kids were understandably upset about losing summer camp and having to cut back, but now they seemed to genuinely appreciate being able to spend more time with their father. Miguel started taking the lead on helping the kids with their homework and starting dinner, tasks that his wife had done in the past. Miguel discovered that he could provide different things for his family—increased shared time and companionship, nurturance, education—that were also valuable and meaningful. These didn’t replace the other types of providing he cared about, and he continued to pursue opportunities that might provide his family with financial security. But even in the midst of this new financial stress, Miguel was able to find opportunities to live according to his values.
When lives are chronically stressful and losses are common, rather than occasional occurrences, it can be much harder to find your way to living a valued life. Certainly, some aspects of choice and flexibility are the privilege of economic means and opportunities that regrettably are not available to everyone in our society. These systemic inequalities can make it much more challenging for some people to find flexibility and choice in the face of real barriers and obstacles. Nonetheless, even then, practicing mindfulness and acceptance can help to reduce the fruitless struggle of fighting your own natural emotional responses to these contexts, criticizing yourself, or becoming entangled in your justifiable anger and resentment. Cultivating mindfulness can help you find opportunities to choose your actions so that you bring dignity and meaning to your life regardless of the constraints you face. Viktor Frankl, in Man’s Search for Meaning, writes eloquently about the opportunities to be compassionate, caring, and human, even in the heartless, inhuman context of a concentration camp. By reducing our struggle with our own responses and clarifying our emotions, we can prepare ourselves better to take action to address injustices and work to change problematic systems.
Whether the challenges we face come from positive or negative life changes, whether they are large in impact or scope, or smaller, and whether they are acute or more chronic, we will all have times when life becomes newly challenging and we need to adjust or refresh our practice and our commitment to living a valued life. The sooner we are able to identify that we are in such a challenging time, the more readily we will be able to begin to implement strategies to help us respond effectively to these challenges.
AN ONGOING PRACTICE
We hope you have found some ideas, experiences, or skills in these pages that enhance the quality of your life and your engagement in it as you navigate a mindful way through anxiety. Remember that in any moment, bringing even the slightest amount of compassionate awareness, even if it is only for a split second, can help us be just a little disentangled from our reactions and give us a little bit of space and perspective, a moment of peace or a chance to catch our breath. Even if it doesn’t seem to help in the moment, we find again and again that these moments do help over time. And we will keep learning that lesson. Ironically, as I (L. R.) write these sentences, I am sitting in the middle seat of a crowded airplane, hunched over my laptop because the passenger sitting in front of me has reclined all the way back, listening to a child who has been screaming intermittently for 2 hours. I assure you, the first 10 (or 20) thoughts and reactions I had to this situation were far from openhearted, compassionate, or expansive. I notice the tension in my shoulders and the continuous cascade of negative thoughts arising. And I breathe. Again. And gently turn my attention back to the words I am writing and the experience I am hoping to convey. We hope that when you are on a plane, or a bus, or a train, or in a line, feeling anxious, frustrated, sore, or tired, you can also notice your breath for a moment. Maybe you will then also remember why you are going where you’re going, or hear a song on your iPod that always makes you smile, or notice the sadness in someone’s eyes and feel a moment of compassion. And continue living the life you want to be living, accepting whatever comes, because it’s here now.