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Index
Cover
Half Title Page
Title Page
Copyright
Introduction
Your Friend’s Grandma
Your Grandma
Bazooka Joe
Dick Cheney Smiling
Everyone Else’s Religion
Bars of Soap
The Song “Mockingbird”
Glinda the Good Witch
The Guy who Fixes Things at the Bowling Alley
Band-Aids that were Once Affixed to Someone’s Body but now Aren’t
Guys with Beards but no Mustaches
Hairless Cats
Lifelike Baby Dolls
Grown Men in Boy Scout Uniforms
Owning Multiple Cats
Disneyland’s “Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln”
Fish with People Faces
Petting Zoos
Animal Mascots who Want You to Eat Their Kind
Red-Ass Monkeys
Sea Monkeys
Old-Tyme Porn
This Guy
Aged-Up Lost Kid Pictures
Tony Randall Dads
People who Hold the Handshake too Long
Little Kids with Old-People Names
The other People in the Doctor’s Waiting Room
Squirrels That Look it You a Bit too Long
Grown-Ups with Pigtails
“Can You Read My Mind?”
Pictures of the Dishes on the Wall at the Chinese Takeout Joint
People who Drive Really old Cars
The Nurse’s Office at School
Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood
Lipstick on Anything Besides a Woman’s Lips
Bruce Jenner’s Face
The Guy on the Street Walking Fast and Carrying a Backpack
Sid and Marty Krofft
Bingo Zealots
Popeye
Hbo’s Real Sex
Andy Rooney’s Eyebrows
Opera Singers
Kids on Leashes
The Uncle Wiggily Game
Davey and Goliath
Old Ladies with Really Long Hair
Men with Vastly Unrealistic Dyed Hair
Any Half Person/Half Animal
The Drive to the Service Station with the Tow-Truck Guy
Lily Tomlin as the Little Girl in the Big Chair
People who are Fluent in Made-Up Languages
Colonial Williamsburg
Renaissance Fairs
The Good Humor Man Who’s a Bit too Chummy
People who Go to High School Football Games who Don’t have a Kid at That School
People who Make their Maids Wear the Maid Uniform
The Blowy Guy in Front of the Mattress Store or Car Dealership
Hankies
Cars with too Many Bumper Stickers
Ads in the Pennysaver Thanking St. Jude
The Guy who Pees in the Urinal Right Next to You Even though there are Tons of others Available
Casper
Styrofoam Wig Holders
Motels That Boast They offer Color TV
People who Always Wear Glasses Without their Glasses on
Accidental Incomplete Face Shaving
Paste
Bee Beards
Actors and Actresses Playing Mentally Challenged
Any School Bus Not Being Used as a School Bus
Jokers
Bad Dentures
Mr. Magoo
Unstuffed Build-a-Bear Skins
Nonblinkers
White Kids who Act Like Black Kids
The Kid who Always has a Nosebleed at School
Fantasia
Canadian Coins
Japanese Cartoons (Aka Anime)
Nursery Rhymes
Monocles
Beggars
Imaginary Friends
Guys Without any Sideburns
Necco Wafers
Anything Being Pushed in a Baby Carriage that Isn’t a Baby
Ads that are Supposed to Look Like They’Ve Been Designed by Little Kids
Infomercial Doctors
Lucy in Color
Little League Umpires who Take it Way too Seriously
The Author
Congratulations!
Acknowledgments
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