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Index
Cover Half Title Page Title Page Copyright Introduction Your Friend’s Grandma Your Grandma Bazooka Joe Dick Cheney Smiling Everyone Else’s Religion Bars of Soap The Song “Mockingbird” Glinda the Good Witch The Guy who Fixes Things at the Bowling Alley Band-Aids that were Once Affixed to Someone’s Body but now Aren’t Guys with Beards but no Mustaches Hairless Cats Lifelike Baby Dolls Grown Men in Boy Scout Uniforms Owning Multiple Cats Disneyland’s “Great Moments with Mr. Lincoln” Fish with People Faces Petting Zoos Animal Mascots who Want You to Eat Their Kind Red-Ass Monkeys Sea Monkeys Old-Tyme Porn This Guy Aged-Up Lost Kid Pictures Tony Randall Dads People who Hold the Handshake too Long Little Kids with Old-People Names The other People in the Doctor’s Waiting Room Squirrels That Look it You a Bit too Long Grown-Ups with Pigtails “Can You Read My Mind?” Pictures of the Dishes on the Wall at the Chinese Takeout Joint People who Drive Really old Cars The Nurse’s Office at School Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood Lipstick on Anything Besides a Woman’s Lips Bruce Jenner’s Face The Guy on the Street Walking Fast and Carrying a Backpack Sid and Marty Krofft Bingo Zealots Popeye Hbo’s Real Sex Andy Rooney’s Eyebrows Opera Singers Kids on Leashes The Uncle Wiggily Game Davey and Goliath Old Ladies with Really Long Hair Men with Vastly Unrealistic Dyed Hair Any Half Person/Half Animal The Drive to the Service Station with the Tow-Truck Guy Lily Tomlin as the Little Girl in the Big Chair People who are Fluent in Made-Up Languages Colonial Williamsburg Renaissance Fairs The Good Humor Man Who’s a Bit too Chummy People who Go to High School Football Games who Don’t have a Kid at That School People who Make their Maids Wear the Maid Uniform The Blowy Guy in Front of the Mattress Store or Car Dealership Hankies Cars with too Many Bumper Stickers Ads in the Pennysaver Thanking St. Jude The Guy who Pees in the Urinal Right Next to You Even though there are Tons of others Available Casper Styrofoam Wig Holders Motels That Boast They offer Color TV People who Always Wear Glasses Without their Glasses on Accidental Incomplete Face Shaving Paste Bee Beards Actors and Actresses Playing Mentally Challenged Any School Bus Not Being Used as a School Bus Jokers Bad Dentures Mr. Magoo Unstuffed Build-a-Bear Skins Nonblinkers White Kids who Act Like Black Kids The Kid who Always has a Nosebleed at School Fantasia Canadian Coins Japanese Cartoons (Aka Anime) Nursery Rhymes Monocles Beggars Imaginary Friends Guys Without any Sideburns Necco Wafers Anything Being Pushed in a Baby Carriage that Isn’t a Baby Ads that are Supposed to Look Like They’Ve Been Designed by Little Kids Infomercial Doctors Lucy in Color Little League Umpires who Take it Way too Seriously The Author Congratulations! Acknowledgments
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