9

Pulling it all together and planning for the future

Introduction

In the course of working through this book, you have tackled the various thinking habits that keep low self-esteem going, and you have formulated new rules for living and a new Bottom Line and considered how to put them into practice and act as if they were true on a day-to-day basis. In this chapter, the practical ideas for overcoming low self-esteem that you have been working on will be related back to the flowchart in Chapter 2 (page 33), so that you can see how what you have been doing fits with the cognitive understanding of low self-esteem that was your starting point. We shall then move on to consider ways of ensuring that the changes you have made are consolidated and carried forward, rather than left behind when you close the book. The chapter will close with some ideas on how to seek outside help if you find the ideas you have read about here interesting and relevant, but feel you need someone to help you to put them into practice successfully.

Overcoming low self-esteem: Where does everything fit?

On pages 305–6, you will find the flowchart that explains the development and persistence of low self-esteem. You are already familiar with this, from previous chapters. Here, however, instead of describing how low self-esteem develops and what keeps it going, you will see that the different methods you have used to undermine your Old Bottom Line and to establish and strengthen a New Bottom Line have been entered under the different headings. This is so that you can see clearly how the changes you have made fit together as parts of a coherent plan for overcoming low self-esteem. The cognitive behavioral understanding of low self-esteem, illustrated in the flowchart, consistently emphasizes the influence of thoughts and beliefs on everyday feelings and behavior. This emphasis has informed each step of the route you have followed.

Planning for the future

You may have been highly successful at dealing with anxious predictions and self-critical thoughts, focusing on positive aspects of yourself and treating yourself to relaxation and pleasure, and formulating and acting on new rules and a new, more generous Bottom Line. However, it is possible that, unless you continue to put what you have learned into practice on a regular basis, what now seem like blinding insights will become vague and hard to credit, and your new ways of treating yourself more kindly will decay.

Figure 39    Overcoming low self-esteem: A map of the territory

Undermining the negative beliefs that lie at the heart of low self-esteem:

(Early) Experience

What experiences (events, relationships, living conditions) contributed to the development of your negative beliefs about yourself?

What experiences contributed to keeping them going?

Are these experiences part of the ‘evidence’ that supports your low opinion of yourself?

The Bottom Line

On the basis of experience, what conclusions did you draw about yourself?

What were your old, negative beliefs about yourself?

What perspective on yourself would make better sense?

What is your New Bottom Line?

What ‘evidence’ did you use to support your Old Bottom Line?

How else could you understand this ‘evidence’?

What experiences (evidence) support your New Bottom Line and contradict the old one?

What new information (things you have screened out/discounted) do you need to be alert to?

What experiments do you need to carry out?

Changing unhelpful rules:

Rules for Living

What are your Rules for Living? In what ways are they unreasonable and unhelpful?

What alternatives would be more reasonable and helpful?

How can you test-drive them?

Breaking the Vicious Circle:

Trigger situations

In what situations do you risk breaking your Rules for Living?

As we have said before, old habits die hard. Particularly at times when you are stressed or pressurized, or when you are feeling low or unwell or tired or under par, you may find that, with the best will in the world, your Old Bottom Line will surface again, and along with it your harsh and unforgiving standards for yourself, and your old habits of expecting the worst, screening out positives and focusing on negatives, criticizing yourself and forgetting to treat yourself to the good things in life will begin to re-establish themselves.

There is no need to worry about this. After all, you now know how to break the vicious circle that keeps low self-esteem going, and you have established and practised new Rules for Living and a New Bottom Line. It will simply be a question of going back to what you already know and practising it systematically until you have got yourself back on an even keel. If you have a healthy awareness that a setback could occur, you will be in the best possible position to spot early warning signals that your Old Bottom Line is resurfacing and to deal with it without delay. You may be able to put it back in its place almost immediately (with little more than ‘Uh-oh, here I go again’ and a swift change of gear). Or it may take you a little time.

Either way, the experience will be a valuable one. It will give you an opportunity to discover again that your new ideas and skills can work for you, and to work at fine-tuning your new, positive perspective on yourself. By planning ahead and considering how setbacks might come about and what to do with them, you will ensure that the changes you have made endure in the longer term.

Alternatively, you may feel that you have learned a lot, but that new ways of thinking and acting towards yourself are still fragile. This is especially likely to be true for you if your low self-esteem has been in place for many years, and if it has had a substantial impact on your life. Here again, it will be worth your while to summarize what you have learned, to look ahead and plan how to consolidate it so that it continues to influence how you go about your daily life, strengthening your conviction in your New Bottom Line and ensuring that changes you have made are carried forward in the longer term.

In the section that follows, you will find some questions to help you to formulate an action plan for the future (see page 311 for a summary, and pages 326–8 for an illustrative example). These questions are designed to help you to make a short summary of key points you have learned, to consider how best to continue putting new ideas into practice on a daily basis, and to prepare for setbacks so that you can manage them in the best possible way.

Steps towards a water-tight action plan

The first draft

Write your answers to the questions down, together with any other helpful points that occur to you as you follow them through. This is the first draft of your Action Plan. When you have completed the draft, review it and see if you have left anything important out. Go back through the book, and any records you have kept, to remind yourself of everything you have done. When you are satisfied that you have the best possible version for the time being, put your Action Plan into practice for two or three weeks.

The second draft

Two or three weeks of putting your first draft into practice should give you a good idea of how helpful your Action Plan is. Now is a good time to review it and refine it, if you wish to do so. You may find that you have omitted something crucial, or that things arise that you have not bargained for, or that what seemed clear to you when you wrote it down seems less helpful to you when you try to apply it in real life, or when you look back on it after a time.

Make whatever changes seem necessary to you, and then write out a revised version for a longer test-drive. Decide for yourself how long you will practise applying this version – three months? Six? You need long enough to find out how helpful the plan is in the longer term. You need an opportunity to discover how well-established your New Bottom Line is, and how consistently it influences how you feel about yourself in everyday life. You also need some sense of how well your Action Plan helps you to deal with ups and downs, and times when the old Bottom Line resurfaces.

The final draft

After a longer period of practice, once again conduct a thorough review of your Action Plan. How helpful has it been to you? How well did it keep you on track? Has it enabled you to continue to grow and develop? Has it ensured that you have dealt with setbacks in the best possible way?

If all is well, your second draft may be your final draft. If, on the other hand, your Action Plan still has shortcomings, make whatever changes are necessary, and test-drive your new version for a limited period you agree with yourself. Then review again.

It is worth noting that, unless you have superhuman powers to foretell the future, your Action Plan will never cover everything. Even your final draft will still be a draft, not an ultimate truth engraved on tablets of stone. However good a fit it is, and however helpful, be prepared to change and fine-tune it at any future point where you realize it could be extended, elaborated or improved.

Getting SMART

When devising an Action Plan, it is important to ensure that what you plan to do will get you where you want to go. If your plan is too ambitious, you will not be able to put it into practice successfully, and this is likely to discourage and demoralize you. If your plan is too vague, you may find that after a week (or month) or two you have no real idea of what you are supposed to be doing. If your plan is too limited, you may feel as if you are not making any real progress towards becoming the person you want to be. So, whichever stage you are at – first or second or final draft – make sure that your Action Plan meets these SMART criteria:

Figure 40    Action planning: Smart criteria

S	Is it	Simple and Specific enough?
M	Is it	Measurable?
A	Is it	Agreed?
R	Is it	Realistic?
T	Is the	Timescale reasonable?

S   Is it simple and specific enough?

Can you explain what you plan to do in words of one syllable? Is it so straightforward that even a child could understand it? To check this, try reading it out to a trusted friend or a member of your family. Do they ask you to explain or clarify any part of it? If so, that part of it needs redrafting. When you have redrafted it, check out how it sounds to them now.

M   Is it Measurable?

How will you know when you have achieved what you set out to do? For example, in six months’ time, if you have successfully acted on your action plan, how will you be feeling? Which of your new habits will still be in place? What specific targets will you have reached? How will you know that your New Bottom Line is still going strong? And if you still have changes to make, what will you be doing then that you are not doing now?

If you can specify clearly what you are going for, it will make it much easier for you to judge whether your plan is within your grasp, to observe how well you are doing at putting it into practice and where it falls down, and to assess how helpful it is to you.

A   Is it Agreed?

Have you taken into account the opinions and feelings of people who will be affected by your plan? Do you have their agreement (or at least their understanding) of what it implies? I do not mean by this that you should only proceed if other people are in favour of what you are trying to do – you do not need permission to feel better about yourself and make changes in your life that will improve your self-esteem. However, it is worth acknowledging that changes in you will mean changes for other people. For example, if you are planning to become more assertive about voicing your opinions and getting your needs met, then this will inevitably have an impact on those around you. If you are planning to change how you organize your working life (e.g. to reduce your working hours, in the interests of having more leisure and social time, or looking for more challenging assignments), then again this will have an impact on other people, both at work and at home.

When you make your Action Plan, it is important to take this into account. Are there things about your intentions that you need to communicate to others? Would it help to negotiate some of the changes you want with your nearest and dearest? What about asking for help in sticking to your plan?

And, even if you do not wish directly to involve others, consider what impact changes in you will have on them. Are they likely to react negatively in any way? What do you predict? You could, of course, be wrong – but you will be in a stronger position to stay on course if you have considered what might realistically happen, and planned how you will deal with it (if necessary, with outside support).

Part of Briony’s plan, for example, was to give herself more time to do things she enjoyed. She realized that this meant she could not continue to manage domestic tasks single-handedly. In order to feel like a good mother, she had always felt she must do all the shopping, cooking, washing and cleaning for her family, even though her husband was quite capable of helping her out and her children were now old enough to contribute.

Briony realized that she had educated her family to leave all the housework up to her. She decided that it would be a good idea to fill them in on the work she had been doing to improve her self-esteem, and to tell them that she planned to start a fairer system of sharing the housework. She predicted that, in theory, her family would be able to see the justice of this, and would be in favour of what she was trying to do. She also predicted that, in practice, they would be reluctant to do their bit and would understandably prefer to leave things as they were. After all, why soil your hands if you have a servant willing to do the dirty work for you? So, in her plan, she included careful details of what to do when her family failed to change along with her. This included reminding herself of her reasons for making the change: she was a worthy person who deserved more out of life than to be a skivvy.

R   Is it Realistic?

When you plan ahead, take into account:

•   Your state of emotional and physical health and fitness

•   Your resources (e.g. money, time, people who care about and respect you)

•   Other demands on your time and energy, and

•   The level of support you have from friends, family, colleagues and others (for example, groups you belong to, such as a woman’s group or a church fellowship group).

Your Action Plan will be most solid and realistic if it takes account of these factors. In addition, it will be most helpful to you if it is written up on one or two pages at the most. The longer and more elaborate it is, the less likely you are to return to it and use it as time goes on. If there are points you want to go into in more detail, put them on a separate sheet which you can refer to in the Action Plan and keep along with it.

T   Is the Timescale reasonable?

Finally, make sure that you have considered carefully how much time you are willing to devote to putting your Action Plan into practice, and what timescale makes sense for achieving whatever targets you have set yourself. This may well include deciding what changes are most important to you, and which are less of a priority. Ask yourself:

•   What are your priorities? If you could only complete 20 per cent of your plan, which 20 per cent would you want it to be?

•   How much time every week do you need to ensure that your Action Plan becomes a reality? If you believe it would still be helpful to you to be regularly writing down and questioning your thoughts, how much time will you need to set aside every day so as to ensure that you do this is the most helpful way and without feeling pressurized or rushed? (This may involve deciding how many examples you wish to work on every day.) You may, on the other hand, be at the stage of tackling upsetting thoughts in your head by now, and be routinely noticing evidence that supports your New Bottom Line without needing to write it down. Even so, it could be helpful to plan regular reviews. How much time might you need every week (or month) to assess how things are going and set yourself new challenges to master?

•   What are your personal objectives, as far as self-esteem is concerned? Where do you want to be after three months? After six months? After one year?

•   How frequently will you review progress (successes, difficulties, what helped you, and what got in your way)?

•   Have you set a date for your first review? This could be next week, or next month, or further away. Whenever it is, decide on a definite date and make an appointment with yourself. Make your review a special occasion. Take yourself out for lunch, give yourself a day out in the country, or at a health spa, or at the seaside. At the very least, find a peaceful space in your house, somewhere you feel comfortable and at ease, and choose a time when you will not be interrupted. Create a relaxed space where you can reflect on what you have achieved and think ahead.

Write down the date and time of your review in your diary or on your calendar right now. And do not allow yourself to put it off or be diverted. This is something you are doing for yourself. It is important. And you deserve it.

A note of caution

Action Plans can be filed away and forgotten. If you do not know where it is, you will not be able to make use of it. Leaving it lying around to end up all stained and dog-eared is like a message to yourself that it does not really matter. So make sure that you know where your Action Plan is, and that you can find it easily when you need to. Put it somewhere special, if you can: somewhere that is yours and yours alone.

Action planning: Helpful questions

Figure 41    Action planning: Helpful questions

1   How did my low self-esteem develop?

2   What kept it going?

3   What have I learned as I worked my way through the book?

4   What were my most important unhelpful thoughts, rules and beliefs? What alternatives did I find to them?

5   How can I build on what I have learned?

6   What might lead to a setback for me?

7   If I do have a setback, what will I do about it?

1   HOW DID MY LOW SELF-ESTEEM DEVELOP?

Briefly summarize the experiences that led to the formation of your Old Bottom Line. Also include later experiences that have reinforced it, if this is relevant.

2   WHAT KEPT IT GOING?

In response to this question, summarize the unhelpful Rules for Living that you developed as an attempt to cope with your Bottom Line, and the thinking that fuelled your vicious circle (anxious predictions and self-critical thoughts that have been typical of you). Also include any biases in what you noticed and gave weight to. What did you automatically screen out, ignore or discount? Finally, note unnecessary precautions and self-defeating behavior that prevented you from discovering that your predictions were not accurate and conspired to keep you down.

3   WHAT HAVE I LEARNED AS I WORKED MY WAY THROUGH THE BOOK?

Make a note of new ideas you have found helpful (for example, ‘My beliefs about myself are opinions, not facts’). Also include particular methods you have learned for dealing with anxious and self-critical thoughts, rules and beliefs (for example, ‘Review the evidence and look for the bigger picture’, ‘Don’t assume – check it out’). Look back over what you have done and make a note of whatever made sense to you, and whatever you personally found useful in practice.

4   WHAT WERE MY MOST IMPORTANT UNHELPFUL THOUGHTS, RULES AND BELIEFS? WHAT ALTERNATIVES DID I FIND TO THEM?

Write down the anxious predictions, self-critical thoughts, Rules for Living and Bottom Lines which caused you most trouble. Against each, summarize the alternative you have discovered. You may find it helpful to do this on a separate sheet if you have a number of items which it would be useful to summarize. You could use this format:

5   HOW CAN I BUILD ON WHAT I HAVE LEARNED?

Here is your opportunity to think ahead and consider in detail what you need to do, in order to ensure that the new ideas and skills you have learned are consolidated and made a routine part of how you go about your life. This is also your chance to work out what changes you still want to make. This could include going back to particular parts of the book and working through some sections again, or using the methods you have learned to change unhelpful Rules for Living or beliefs about yourself that you have not yet addressed. It might also include further reading, or a decision to seek help in order to take what you have discovered further or put it into practice more effectively (see below).

Specifically, taking it chapter by chapter:

•   Are there parts of your understanding of how your low self-esteem developed and what kept it going that you do not yet understand fully? If so, how could you go about clarifying them?

•   Are there still situations where you feel anxious, but you are not clear why? If so, what do you need to do to get a clear perspective on the predictions you make in those situations? Are there situations where you understand very well what your predictions are, but you have not yet faced them fully without dropping all your unnecessary precautions? If so, how could you make a step-by-step plan to tackle them? Even if you have successfully faced the situations that made you anxious and discovered that your predictions were unrealistic, it could well be that you will experience other anxieties in the future (indeed, it would be extraordinary if this were not the case, since anxiety is a normal part of human experience). How will you use what you have learned to deal with future anxieties?

•   How will you ensure that you continue to extend your ability to spot and challenge self-critical thoughts? What self-defeating behaviors do you still need to watch out for? What do you plan to do instead?

•   How good are you at keeping your good points in mind and noticing examples of your qualities, strengths, skills and talent on a day-to-day basis? Do you still need to keep a written record? Even if you do not, might it be nice to do so? Might it also be a useful resource to look over, if you have a setback at some point in the future?

•   When you look at the pattern of your day and your week, are you achieving a good balance between ‘M’ activities (duties, obligations, tasks) and ‘P’ activities (pleasure, relaxation)? If so, how will you ensure that you continue to do so? And if not, then what do you need to do to build on changes you have already made?

•   Are you routinely giving yourself credit for what you do and appreciating your achievements? If so, how can you ensure that you continue to do so? If not, why not? Are self-critical thoughts creeping in, for example, or are you still hanging on to perfectionist standards for yourself? If so, what do you need to do about it?

•   How convincing do you now find your new Rules for Living? How easy is it to put them into practice? If they make complete sense to you, and you have no difficulty in acting in accordance with them, then how can you ensure that this continues to be the case, even when the going gets tough and circumstances trigger off the old rules? How far should you still deliberately be acting against the old rules and observing the consequences? How frequently should you read your ‘Changing the Rules Summary Sheet’, in order to ensure that what you have written stays fresh in your mind? If you still have some doubts about your new rules or find it difficult to put them into practice, what do you need to do to strengthen their credibility and make acting on them second nature? What experiments do you still need to carry out? What thoughts are getting in your way, and how can you tackle them?

•   How far do you now believe your New Bottom Line? And your old one? How far are you able to act as if the New Bottom Line was true? If you believe the New Bottom Line strongly and act routinely as if it was true, how can you ensure that it stays rock solid, even in times of pressure or distress? What information do you need to continue to notice (even if you no longer routinely write it down)? What experiments do you need to continue to carry out and make a part of your life? How frequently should you read your ‘Bottom Line Summary Sheet’, so as to ensure that it remains at the front of your mind?

6   WHAT MIGHT LEAD TO A SETBACK FOR ME?

Consider what experiences or changes in your circumstances might still cause you problems by activating your Old Bottom Line. Your knowledge of situations that have activated your Bottom Line in the past will be helpful here (see Chapter 3, page 63). You are probably in a position now to deal with these situations much more constructively. However, supposing you were confronting a high level of stress, or your life circumstances had become very difficult, or you were tired or unwell or upset for some other reason, this might still make you vulnerable to self-doubt. Working out what your own personal vulnerabilities might be will prepare you to notice quickly when things go wrong and do something about it.

7   IF I DO HAVE A SETBACK, WHAT WILL I DO ABOUT IT?

The first, crucial thing is to notice what is happening. Consider what cues would tell you that your Old Bottom Line was back in operation. How would you expect to feel? What might be going on in your body? What thoughts would be likely to be running through your mind? What images would appear in your mind’s eye? What would you notice about your own behavior (e.g. beginning to avoid challenges, dropping pleasurable activities, ceasing to stand up for yourself and meet your own needs)? What might you notice in others (e.g. irritation, reassurance, apologies)? Make a note of what you think would be strong signals that your self-esteem was beginning to dip.

The next thing is to consider in detail what you should do if you do find a setback beginning. The first thing to say to yourself is the emergency instruction from Douglas Adams’s Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy: DON’T PANIC. It is quite natural to have setbacks on your journey towards overcoming low self-esteem, especially if the problem has been with you for a long time.

This does not mean that you are back to square one, or that there is no point in doing anything further to help yourself. On the contrary, you simply need to return to what you have learned and begin putting it into practice systematically, until you have got yourself back on an even keel. This may mean going back to basics – for example, starting to write things down regularly again, perhaps after you have stopped needing to do so for some time. This may feel like a backwards step. In fact, it is simply a sensible recognition that, for a limited period, you need to put in some extra time and effort on consolidating your New Bottom Line. This is rather like what you might need to do if you had learned a language and then some time later had to visit the country concerned. Even if you had become quite fluent, it would still make good sense to revise what you knew, in order to meet the challenge successfully.

What to do if you need outside help

If the ideas in this book make good sense to you, but you have difficulty putting them into practice (perhaps because your Old Bottom Line is so strong or because it has had such a disabling effect on your life), then it may be helpful to look for a therapist who could help you to take things further than you can initially manage on your own. If you like this particular way of understanding low self-esteem and overcoming it, then your best bet is probably to look for a cognitive-behavioral therapist. If, on the other hand, you would prefer a more discursive, less structured approach, with a greater emphasis on developing insight than on practical techniques for achieving changes in daily living, then a counsellor or psychotherapist may suit you better. You will find some useful addresses at the end of this book.

As I said in Chapter 1 (pages 21–22), there is nothing shameful about seeking psychological help. It is not an admission of defeat, but rather a step towards taking control of your life and doing what needs to be done in order to become the person you would like to be. Supposing you were on a journey that involved travelling in the dark through unknown territory: you might well be glad of a guide, and be less likely if you had one to fall into swamps and lose your way than if you had ventured out alone. A therapist is like a guide. He or she will help you to acquire the map-reading skills you need in order to complete your journey successfully, and will teach you how to detect pitfalls and challenges and deal with them constructively on your own.

Similarly, if you were learning a new skill (for example, driving a truck or mastering a sport), it would probably seem reasonable to you to have some lessons or seek out a coach. Therapists are also like coaches. Their prime objective is to help you to develop your own skills to the point where the therapist becomes redundant, because now you can do it for yourself.

CHAPTER SUMMARY

1   The ideas and techniques you have learned as you worked through the book form a coherent program for change, each related to a particular aspect of the cognitive understanding of low self-esteem.

2   To ensure that you carry forward what you have learned and make it part of how you go about the business of living, it will be helpful to make a written Action Plan for the future.

3   The Action Plan should be straightforward and realistic. You should ensure that you are clear about how to measure your progress in carrying it out, and that it considers the impact of changes in you on those around you. It should also take account of limitations on your time and resources, and the timescale should be realistic.

4   In the Action Plan, summarize your understanding of how your low self-esteem developed and what kept it going. Note what you have learned as you worked your way through the book, and how you plan to build on new ideas and skills. Identify future events and stresses that might lead to a setback for you, and work out what to do about it if one occurs.

Figure 42    Action Plan for the future: Briony

1 How did my low self-esteem develop?

When my parents died, I felt it was my fault. When my step-parents treated me so badly, that confirmed it. Finally, when my stepfather began to abuse me, I came to the conclusion that everything that had happened was a result of something in me. It all meant I was BAD. This was my Old Bottom Line. Once this idea was in place, other things happened that seemed to confirm it. For example, my first marriage was to a man who constantly criticized and ridiculed me. Because of what had happened earlier on, I thought this was just what I deserved.

2 What kept it going?

I kept on acting and thinking as if I really was a bad person. I never paid attention to good things about myself; I kept my true self hidden from people, because I was convinced that if they found out what I was really like, they would want nothing further to do with me. I was always very hard on myself. Anything I got wrong filled me with despair – yet more evidence of what a bad person I was. I could not have close relationships, except with the few people who persisted even when I held back. I allowed people to dismiss me and treat me badly. I didn’t think I deserved anything better.

3 What have I learned on my way through the book?

To understand things better – it’s my belief that I’m bad that’s the problem, not the fact that I really am bad. I have learned that it is possible to change beliefs about yourself that have been around for a long time, if you work on them. I have learned to still my critical voice and focus on the good things about me. I am changing my rules and taking the risk of letting people see more of the true me.

4 What were my most important thoughts, rules and beliefs? What alternatives did I find to them?

I am bad → I am worthy
If I let anyone close to me, they will hurt and exploit me → If I let people close to me, I get the warmth and affection I need. Most people will treat me decently – and I can protect myself from those who don’t.
I must never allow anyone to see my true self → Since my true self is worthy, I need not hide it. If some people don’t like it, that’s their problem.

5 How can I build on what I have learned?

Read the Summary Sheets for my new rules and Bottom Line daily – I need to drum them in. Keep acting as if they were true and observe the results. When I notice myself getting apprehensive and wanting to avoid things or protect myself, work out what I am predicting and check it out. Watch out for self-criticism – it’s well entrenched and I need to keep fighting it. Keep on recording examples of good things about me – it’s already made a difference.Make time for me – don’t be afraid to remind the family when they go back to their old ways.

6 What might lead to a setback for me?

Getting depressed for any reason. Being consistently badly treated by someone. Something going very wrong for someone I cared about (I would tend to blame myself).

7 If I do have a setback, what will I do about it?

Try to notice the early warning signals, for a start. Ask my husband to help with this – he’s sensitive to when I start hiding myself away and being irritable and defensive, and he notices when I start to be down on myself. Then get out my notes, especially the Summary Sheets and this Action Plan, and follow through on what I know works. Don’t be hard on myself for taking a backwards step – it’s bound to happen from time to time, given how long I have felt bad about myself and how I came to be that way. Be encouraging and kind to myself, get all the support I can, and go back to the basics.