accidents, problems after 174
affairs 23
see also infidelity
African families/societies 8, 20
African-Caribbean tradition 20
agoraphobia xii
agreeing to differ 198
alcohol
abstinence 187
addiction xi, xii, 185–7, 202, 207
see also drinking
alliances 31
Alzheimer’s disease 176
anger management therapy 199
anniversaries 47
anorexia 137
can be healthy for the couple 131–2
deciding to have an argument 132
and domestic violence 197–8
how to structure the time 133
losing an argument 107
plan a limited time for the argument 133
who would be helped by arguments? 133–4
arranged marriage 9–10, 19, 233
Asian societies 8
attention 32
attraction 12–13
balance 47–8
excitement vs. tranquillity 135–6
male and female issues 135
the new relationship, the family life-cycle 136
openness vs. secretiveness 136
sexual and other forms of closeness 135
Bateson, Gregory xiii
Beck, Professor Aaron T. xii, 33–4
behaviour
ignoring (extinction) 32, 33, 48, 115, 116, 121, 138, 139
rewarding 31, 32, 33, 48, 115–16, 121, 138
behavioural principles 32–3, 48
behavioural therapy xi–xii, 28–9, 30
behavioural-systems approach 31
behaviourally orientated therapists 28, 31, 34, 115–16, 121, 250
bereavement
the process of grieving 24
prolonged or very severe grief reactions 25
Bertalanffy, Ludwig von xiii
binge-eating disorder xii
bipolar disorder see manic depressive disorder
bisexuality 238–9
blended families (step-families) 6, 217–30, 251
biological parents and the new relationships 222, 229
birth of children to the new partners 226, 230
boundaries, rules and discipline 222–3, 230
the children’s expectations 221–2
children’s roles 221
family vacations 226–7
festivals, especially Christmas 227
generation boundaries 224
intimate situations 224–5, 230
keep ex-partners and children informed of changes 220, 229
negative image of step-parents 217–18
the new relationship and the ages of the children 220–21
older children leaving home 228
problems for the couple themselves 218–19
risk of sexual involvement with stepchildren 225
school and friendship issues for the children 225
step-siblings 226
stepfather/stepmother families 219
try not to live too far from each other 220, 229
weddings and funerals 227–8
who can impose discipline? 223–4
worries about stepchildren who have left 228–9
boundaries 12, 31, 34, 42–3, 44, 48, 78, 124, 134, 137, 250
redrawing 80
brain injuries 176
breastfeeding 165
bulimia nervosa xii
carer, the role of the 177
Caverject 159
children
arguments and fights between siblings 137
birth of first child 15
blended families see under blended families
decision to have children 246
and divorce
access problems 214
continuing co-parents 213, 216
educational disadvantage 202
grandparents 214–15
if children get upset after a visit 214
making it easier for them 212
and new relationships 215, 241
the parental child 213–14
psychological problems 202
reaction to the split 211–12
telling them of the split 212–13
and domestic violence 194, 199
drug taking 22
first child goes to school 15
how they affect the relationship 22
insecurity 137–8
in one-parent households 6
overactive behaviour 137
psychiatric illnesses 22
and same-sex couples 7
school refusal 22
tantrums 138–9
teenagers see teenagers
triangles involving children 137–40
and triangular problems 86–7
youngest child leaves home 15
youngest child leaves school 15
Children of Alcoholics 187
churches, decreasing influence of 8
Cialis 159
circular causalition xiii–xiv, 34, 35
closeness 31, 43–4, 48, 125–7, 135, 152
cocaine 188
cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) 29
and behavior therapy xi–xiii
pioneered by Beck xii
for the treatment of depression xi, 177, 180
cognitive behavioural principles 33–4, 48
cognitive therapy/therapists 31, 33
‘cold turkey’ 188
‘coming out’ 238–9
commitment 12
communication 12, 31, 37–41, 77, 92, 170, 250, 252
and domestic violence 196, 197
avoid closure and remain flexible 106
communication training 108
don’t be afraid to lose an argument 107
empathy 104
general rules of 101–2
honesty 103
increased toleration 100
keep the discussion focussed on the present and future 107–8
keep to the topic under discussion 106
‘mind-reading’ 104–5
the only person you can change is yourself 100
poor communication 101
principles of good communication 100–101
respecting the other person’s sensitivities 102
sharing feelings 103–4
speak from the ‘I’ position 105–6
try not to blame the other person 107
and jealousy 183–4
physical 152
poor 101
positive 32–3
complementarity 46
compromise 23, 59, 100, 124, 127, 232
computer see Internet
confidence 177
conflict 23
control vs. laissez-faire 78–80, 92, 124–5
coronary disease 174
counsellors, counselling 68, 70–71, 120, 144–5, 171, 172, 175, 252, 253–5
couple counselling 206
couple relationship therapy
and divorce 206
couple relationships today 6–7
common problems 7
same-sex relationships 6–7
the wide variety of relationships 6
couple therapy xi
crack cocaine 188
cultural differences 9–10, 19–21, 27
African families 20
the African-Caribbean tradition 20
couple from different backgrounds 20–21
South Asian cultures 19–20
daily talk session 98
dancing 240
death of one partner 15
through violence 192
decider subsystem 34, 35, 45, 141, 223
defence mechanisms 36
dementia (Alzheimer’s disease) 176
depression xi, xii, 24, 33, 83, 84, 174, 176
antidepressants 180
in child of divorced parents 212, 230
cognitive and other forms of psychotherapy 177–8
increased sensitivity in the depressed partner 178
keeping the ‘ill’ partner more active 178
obtaining therapy 180
and sex 178
when the problem lies in the relationship 179
diabetes 174
division of labour 9
care of children 26
divorce and separation as a last resort 203
has become easier to obtain 7
health of divorced people 26, 27
and the ‘housemates’ solution 143, 145
how can divorce or separation be avoided? 206–9, 216
agreeing on trying to save the relationship 206
discussions 206–7
‘irretrievable breakdown’ 209
the need for moderate language and behaviour 207, 216
insisting on divorcing 203–4
and more traditional cultures 8, 20
and problems of desire 164
rare in Asian cultural groups 9–10
as a relief from tensions in marriage 7, 27
ways to have a better divorce 209–15, 251
the possibilities of mediation 210–11, 216
weigh the pros and cons 204–5, 216
do-it-yourself couple therapy 4, 30, 31
domestic violence 190–201, 251
how to reduce the violence 194–8
agree to differ 198
avoid alcohol when you are together 195, 201
communication can be improved 196
other rules of communication 197
the pillow game 197
settling arguments 197–8
solve your differences by negotiation 195–6
take responsibility for your own actions 195
if you cannot control the violence 199–200
the nature of the problem 190–94
the children may become involved 194
the dangerous consequences 191–2
the fights can become addictive 192–3
separation 190–91
violence between partners 191
why is the violence tolerated? 193–4
winning and losing 192
organizations 257
use avoidance tactics 198–9
domestic violence units 200
dominance and submissiveness 44–5, 48
double bed 64–5
and domestic violence 192, 195, 201
‘social’ 187
see also alcohol addiction
drugs
children’s drug-taking 22
drug-taking and separation 23
for erectile disorder 159
dyspareunia (pain during intercourse) 164, 171, 172
eating disorders xii
economic independence of women 7
premature (PE) 60, 159–61, 171, 209
empathy 104, 120, 130, 184, 250
epilepsy 174
equality within relationships 9
erectile disorder (impotence) 158–9, 171
erection 54, 55, 149, 150, 155, 158
establishing a relationship 231–47, 251
be clear what you want 231
commitment to living together 242–4
declaring that you are in a serious relationship 241–2
the family life-cycle 247
how are you going to meet new people? 232–4, 247
how much do you really want sex? 237–8, 247
if you really want a relationship 231–2
moving from meeting to having a sexual relationship 239–41, 247
shy, socially unskilled or afraid of close relationships 234–7
to share or not to share 245
exclusivity 123
family life-cycle 15–16, 26, 136, 247
family of origin, influence of 13, 16–19
and asking for help 17
close-knit families vs. a ‘hands off’ approach 18
household tasks 18
how to discipline children 19
openness within the family 16–17
outside career vs. homemaking 17–18
feminism 8
Fennell, Melanie: Overcoming Low Self-Esteem 235
festivals, and blended families 227
friends 142
explaining a new relationship to 242
as intermediaries 220
negative influence of 23
funerals, and blended families 228, 230
G spot 56
gambling xi, xii, 21, 23, 90, 207
gay relationships 6–7, 55, 82, 191
see also same-sex marriages; same-sex relationships; sexual orientation
generational boundary 35
genital sensate focus 156–7, 161
Gilbert, Paul: Overcoming Depression 177–8
grandparents 212, 214–15, 216, 220
Gray, John: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus 43, 51–2
grief see bereavement
‘growing apart’ 23
Haley, Jay xiii
‘health alliance’ 174
health services 174
heroin 188
homosexuality see gay relationships; lesbian relationships; sexual orientation
honesty 103
hormonal cycle 53
household tasks 18
‘housemates’ solution 143, 145
hypochondriasis (health anxiety) xii
Ibsen, Henrik 84
ideals
clash of 32
illness and psychological problems 173–89, 251
alcohol and other substance abuse 185–8
couple and physical illness 173–5
couple and psychiatric illnesses 175–7
depression 177–80
jealousy 183–5
schizophrenia and bipolar (manic depressive) disorder 180–82
stress and psychological problems affecting the relationship 182–3
impotence see erectile disorder
imprisonment 89
in vitro fertilization 246
individualism 8
infertility 246
insecurity 137–8
Internet 14, 23, 90–91, 92, 128, 129, 234, 247
interpretation 29
intimacy
level of 23
introspection 29
irresponsible behaviour 23
‘irretrievable breakdown’ 209
Jackson, Don xiii
jealousy 43, 82–3, 125, 138, 183–5
Johnson, Virginia Eshelman 68
joint bank accounts 15
kidney disease 174
learning mechanisms xi
‘left brain’ competence 49
leisure activities 141–2
see also same-sex marriages; same-sex relationships; sexual orientation
Little Angels (BBC television series) 115
magazine advertisements 234, 247
manic depressive (bipolar) disorder 176, 182
marijuana smoking 187–8
marriage 15
changing perceptions of 8
decrease in number of couples getting married 7, 245
‘doll’s house’ 84
second marriages 202, 217, 249
serial monogamy 6
traditional and modern views of 8
massage 240
Masters, William Howell 68
masturbation 155
see also self-stimulation
Maudsley Hospital, south London 3, 4
media publicity 22
meeting a partner 10–11
men and women: similarities and
differences 49–52
cooperation and competition 50
differences in brain function 49–50, 68
differences in psychological strengths 50
how these differences affect relationships 51
the ‘Mars and Venus’ problems 51–2
menopause 53
menstruation 53
metabolic disorders 174
‘mind-reading’ 104–5
Minuchin, Salvador xiii
‘modern man’ 9
sexual 171
mourning process 25
moving in together 14, 15, 242–4
multi-tasking 50
multiple sclerosis 174
mutual attraction 12
negative thinking 29, 33–4, 114, 178
negotiating as a couple 108–15
be realistic about possible changes 113
convert your complaints into requests 109
the emphasis must be on the future 110
make the requests more specific 109
making sure that the tasks are practicable 111
meeting to assess whether tasks have been done 112
negotiation exercise 114
requests should be translated into tasks 110
revise mutual tasks at weekly meetings 112–13
tasks should be reciprocal 110–11
try to think positively 114–15
negotiation 12, 23, 27, 31, 41–2, 77, 127, 250, 252
recipricocity 75
neurological diseases 174
‘non-violent’ contract 199
‘normalization’ 176
nuclear family 15–16, 221, 222, 226
obsessive compulsive disorders xii
oestrus 52
‘one-night stands’ 240
optimism 124
orgasm 54, 56, 57, 59–60, 68, 151, 153, 155, 157, 160, 171
defined 150
mutual 150
problems of 162–3
outside pressures 87–92
general advice on pressures 91–2
imprisonment 89
the Internet 90
how to cope with it 90–91
neighbours 90
periods of work away from home 88–9
sports activities 89–90
travel 88
work problems 87–8
how to deal with it 88
overprotection 84
panic disorder xii
paradox therapy 144
paranoid states 176
parental child 213–14, 221, 229
parents, explaining a new relationship to 242
parties 14
patience 119
PE see premature ejaculation
pessimism vs. optimism 124
phobias xii
physical disabilities 174
planned/non-planned days 81, 92
positive communication 32–3
positive feedback xiii, xiv, 32
positive thinking 29, 31, 34, 48, 114, 235
power differences 12
premature ejaculation (PE) 60, 159–61, 171, 209
pressures on couple relationships 7–10, 23
arranged marriage and the clash of cultures 9–10
changing perceptions of marriage 8
equality within relationships 9
the rising divorce rate 7–8
traditional and modern views of 8
problem solving 51
professional help 68, 69, 120, 144–5, 157–8, 171, 172, 252, 253–5
projection (defence mechanism) 36
Prolong device 160
psychiatric illnesses 175–7
organizations 253–5
psychoanalytic theories 36–7, 48
psychodynamic psychotherapy 177, 180
psychological strengths 50, 68
psychosexual services 157
psychotherapy, Beck and xii
punctuation 35
reattachment 24
reciprocity negotiation 75, 92
relationship problems 70–92
attack-counter-attack 71–5, 92
cautious (or ‘bossy’) vs. carefree partner 78–80, 92, 124–5
defining 70
depression and overprotection 84
excitement versus peace 84–5
getting partner interested in problem solving 71
outside pressures 87–92
planning versus flexibility 80–81
possessiveness and the question of fidelity 81–3
usually noticed by the woman 70–71
renal dialysis 174
repetitive behaviour 28, 46, 48, 252
response to crises in relationships 51
reversed role-play 130–31, 145
reward 31, 32, 33, 48, 115, 116, 121
‘right brain’ competence 49–50
same-sex relationships 6–7, 9, 55, 191
see also gay relationships; lesbian relationships
savings 21
school refusal 22
second marriages 202, 217, 249
secretiveness 136
self-awareness 102
self-esteem xiii, 29, 83, 177, 232, 235, 236, 247
self-help: communicating and
negotiating 95–121
good communication 99–108
helping the improvements to last 118–20
how to negotiate as a couple 108–15
if there is no improvement 120
timed discussions 96–9
working alone on improving the relationship 115–18
self-help: timetables, arguments, triangles 122–45
achieving a balance 135–6
are you too isolated as a couple? 134
closeness and distance 125–7
difficulty in understanding each other 130–31
the last resort 143–5
timetables 127–9
triangles and boundary issues 136–7
triangles involving children 137–40
triangles involving family of origin 140–41
triangles involving friends, outside activities or work 141–3
unable to have arguments and resolve them 131–4
whose problem is it? 123–5
self-help manuals xiv–xv
self-stimulation 149, 160, 162
sensate focus 152–6, 158, 160, 163, 169, 170, 171
sensitivities
of a depressed person 178
other person’s 102
separation 9, 25, 26, 88, 164, 249, 251
and domestic violence 190–91, 199–200, 201
see also under divorce
serial monogamy 6
sex/relationships interaction 62–6
the art of persuasion 66
the good team who don’t get together physically 63–4
the ‘kiss and make up’ situation 63
practical difficulties in the bedtime routine 64
sex-related irritability 66
sexual problems causing stress 63
sharing a double bed 64–5
significance of sex in the relationship 65–6
stresses leading to sexual problems 63
taking each other for granted 65
worrying about the children 64
sexual aids 258
sexual arousal 55–6, 68, 149–50
defined 149–50
sexual attraction 12, 23, 51, 226, 232, 237–8, 245
sexual counsellor 68
sexual drive, sexual desire 52–5, 149
biological forces in men 52
biological forces in women 52–3
depressed partner 178
how it affects humans 53
living more comfortably together 55
male and female sexual approaches 54
male and female sexual drives 53–4
the need for confidence and the need for trust 54–5
same-sex relationships 55
sexual desire defined 149
sexual drive defined 149
the sexual experience itself 54
how to avoid the expectation trap 59
orgasm 59–60
relationships in their early stages 57–8
sex in a steady relationship 58
how to deal with it 58–9
the first sexual experience 60
the influence of other earlier relationships 61
making too much of sex 62
traumatic sexual experiences 60–61
unusual sexual needs 61
how to cope with it 61–2
sexual freedom 8
see also gay relationships; lesbian relationships
sexual problem clinics 157
sexual problems 149–72, 241, 251
alternative strategies for sexual desire problems 170–71
female sexual dysfunctions 161–4
genital sensate focus 156–7
how to discuss sexual difficulties 150–51
keeping your expectations realistic 151–2
male sexual dysfunctions 158–61
problems of desire and of sexual function 149–50
problems of sexual function 157–8
relaxation and sensate focus exercise 152–6
when the man wants sex more than the woman 164–8, 172
when the woman wants sex more than the man 168–70, 172
sexual relationship: suggestions for improvement 67–8
be clear and specific 67
further measures to be taken 68
overcoming inhibitions about discussing sex 67–8
suggestions for self-help 68
sexual responsiveness 52–3, 68
sexual spontaneity 57
sexual therapist 68
sharing feelings 103–4
shopping 142
compulsive 21
singles’ clubs and bars 233–4, 247
Skinner, B.F. 115
smoking xiii
social phobia xii
social pressures 27
expectations fostered by the media 22
how children affect the relationship 22
social skills, improving 236–7, 247
South Asian cultures 19–20
speed dating 233
splitting (defence mechanism) 36
sports activities 89–90, 92, 141–2, 247
starting a relationship 10–15
decisions at the time of moving in together 15
the early stages 13–14
factors that favour stability 12
idealizing the relationship 11
meeting a partner 10–11
the need for tolerance and understanding 12
things that attract people to each other 12–13
transition stages 14
when the differences emerge 11
your family of origin and its influence 13
step-families see blended families
step-siblings 226
stepmothers 217
stress 183
leading to sexual problems 63
marriage as a potential stress to the relationship 245–6
sexual problems causing stress 63
support groups 174
surgery, problems after 174
sustaining a long-term relationship 22–4
factors which can help 23
factors which lead to separation 23
‘swinging’ 82
symbols 46–7
symmetry 46
systemic concepts 34
systemic therapy 30, 31, 120, 252
circular causality xiii–xiv, 34, 35
developed for treatment of families xi
pioneered by von Bertalanffy xiii
positive and negative feedback xiii, xiv
studies and alters the patterns of relationships within families xiii
systems theorists 29, 31, 34, 35
tantrums 138–9
teenagers
anorexia 137
arguments and conflicts 45
decision-making 45
power associated with insecurity 45–6
psychological problems 46
rebellion 137
substance abuse 46
timed discussions 96–9, 120, 170–71, 184, 186, 196, 203, 250
timetables 127–9, 145, 203, 216, 250
jealousy 184–5
tolerance, toleration 12, 23, 27, 100, 119, 232
‘trainers’ 163
transplants 174
travel for work 88
triangles 83, 85–7, 90, 92, 136–7, 145, 242
involving children 137–40
involving family of origin 140–41
involving friends, outside activities or work 141–3
Trinitrin 159
understanding 12
blended families 226–7
vacuum pumps 159
Viagra 159
vibrators 59, 60, 161, 162, 163
videos, explicit 171
Viridal 159
weddings 14
and blended families 227–8, 230
weight problems xiii
wheelchair cases 174
Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf (film) 71
widows, widowers 24
wills, and blended families 228, 230
Women’s Aid 200
work
colleagues 14
inequality in employment 49
periods away from home 88–9
and potential partners 232, 247
problems 142–3
stress 183
travel for work 88
working alone on improving the relationship 115–18
become a good behaviourally orientated therapist 115–16
dealing with ‘bad’ behaviour 116
improving communication 117
negotiating with your partner without their cooperation 117–18
rewarding ‘good’ behaviour 116
telling your partner what you are doing 117