Master your mind and re-create your reality,
—SONIA RICOTTI
At the heart of Mind Your Body are mental strategies and exercises that will empower you to make true long-lasting changes in all 10 deserve level categories. Yes, I said all categories. Even if you already rate high, at an adjusted 9, in some areas, you can still improve, unless you are like Barry and you have an extremely high rating in one category and an extremely low rating in another—then you would focus on the low number to foster balance. If you’re thinking that it’s impossible to do better, hold on. I used to think this way, too, then I had a better-than-the-best-peach experience, and it changed my frame of mind. Let me explain.
Some time ago, I visited a friend’s house, where I saw a bowl of peaches sitting on her dining room table. My friend noticed my eyes resting on the bowl and offered me one, saying, “These are the best peaches ever.”
“I bet they aren’t better than the one I had at the Golden Door Spa in Escondido, California,” I thought. “That was the best peach ever.”
However, not being one to turn down free food, I took a bite, and you know what? It was a better peach. That experience got me thinking. When I work with elite athletes, they never tell me, “Hey Joel, I just wanted to let you know that I’m the best, so I won’t need to train anymore.” Never happens. Instead, top-tier athletes always work to improve their game. Similarly, the better-than-the-best-peach taught me a valuable lesson: You can never really say you’ve reached your upper limit because there are always greater dreams to dream and better-than-the-best goals to reach.
One of the reasons we did “adjusted deserve levels” is because of this concept. Even if you think you are at the top of your game in a certain area, I guarantee you that there are always ways to improve.
With that in mind, we’ll begin this chapter by considering how your deserve level scores can be improved from the mental angle. Then we’ll take a close look at how successful minds function so you’ll have a clear model to follow. Finally, you’ll learn the essential tools that boost the 10 Core Concepts for Optimal Success that we discussed in chapter 2. You will know how to change how you feel in a matter of moments in order to make the changes necessary to get the results you desire—and you’ll feel energized, not deprived, as you work toward your goals.
You have taken your Deserve Level Test and have your 10 deserve level scores, one for each of the 10 categories, as well as an overall deserve level. If you scored below 9 in any of the categories, this is where you will learn how to get your brain on board so you can improve your scores and stabilize the mental imbalances that are keeping you from improving.
If your test produced wildly fluctuating scores—an 8 for work but a 2 for family and friends—you’ll want to focus on bringing up that 2 before boosting your 8 any higher. In Desiree’s case, she rated an 8 in fitness but a 4 in nutrition, so we focused on nutrition first. Giving lower ratings more attention by using some of the skills you have in high areas will give you faster results in all areas. When Desiree began to eat healthy, she had more energy to ramp up her fitness. Sometimes, clients are concerned that a high score might drop (that work deserve level might go from an 8 to a 7), but that rarely happens, and if it does, it’s only temporary. The benefits you gain from improving a low deserve level will eventually boost your high levels back up to where they were, or even higher. I call this phenomenon spreading, because you spread the traits of success from a high-scoring category to a low one. Eventually both scores improve and you balance out overall. The result is a happy, successful, well-adjusted life.
Joel’s Jargon
SPREADING. The ability to take skills that you have in your strongest areas (high deserve levels) and apply them, or spread them, to areas that need more attention and nurturing (low deserve levels).
In chapter 2, you learned the 10 Core Concepts for Optimal Success, which are central to reaching your goals. To see how this looks in real life, it helps to take a close look at success-oriented people.
Those who thrive in their lives have internalized a deep inner drive that keeps them glued to taking actions that always move them closer to their goals. That doesn’t mean they don’t encounter setbacks, bump into obstacles, or come upon challenges. Life is still life for all of us, but these people have the passion and self-love it takes to keep on even when times are tough. These are the elite athletes and celebrities who have worked hard to get to the top, as well as the other high achievers in life—you know, those moms, neighbors, and colleagues who seem to glide through without the snags, messiness, or troubles the rest of us seem to have.
Why don’t they ever seem to feel hopeless, fearful, or filled with doubt? These are people who live and think in an integrated Mind Your Body way, so when the road of life gets bumpy, they have an automatic reaction that quickly gets them back into smooth waters. While these traits may exist more naturally in some people, these are all skills that you can and will internalize by following the Mind Your Body program.
People with follow-through say what they mean, mean what they say, and do what they said they would do. People with the follow-through trait practice self-control and spend a lot less time struggling with temptation or decision making. They pick the best plan to reach their goal, then follow through with the actions that will deliver the results they are after.
You don’t have to be born with this skill to develop it, but practice is essential. It comes from having a clear objective and steady, reliable habits that support your actions. I should know. I put this trait at the top of the list because it was one of the hardest for me to learn. Today, it is one of the skills I value most.
I attended a Montessori school when I was young, and I was, as my mother used to say, “a mentally floaty child,” meaning that I was easily distracted and had a difficult time staying on track. The Montessori school was a good fit because it allowed me to choose what I wanted to learn first, but I still had to learn how to stay on track and study properly to avoid getting bad grades. My parents let me take a summer study program when I was fifteen, which helped tremendously, but it wasn’t until I moved from Texas to California to go to college that I really learned the importance of follow-through. Once I got to college, I saw how expensive tuition, books, and classes were, and that got my attention. I wasn’t going to waste a dime on bad grades. That’s when those study skills became priceless. They paid off. Today, friends and family often compliment me on my self-discipline, and they are surprised when I explain that this trait didn’t come naturally, but is a result of dedication and practice.
Making a commitment is serious business. Successful people realize that sticking to a decision, making a commitment, or setting a goal sometimes comes with sacrifices. Being willing to make sacrifices is the flip side of follow-through. Sometimes you have to forgo other opportunities if you want to keep promises. Part of being good at follow-through is remembering to review what’s already on your plate. When you practice follow-through, you treat your commitments with the respect they deserve, which earns you trust, admiration, and a stellar reputation.
A person who is perfectly imperfect is someone who is entirely comfortable with being a flawed human being. They don’t take themselves too seriously or think they are better than anyone else.
I frequently attend lectures, and when I do I almost always pick up on a slipup during the presentation. It isn’t that the best lecturers don’t make blunders—they do, but they trust the free flow of life and have confidence that their minds work just fine. The result is a fluid, resourceful mind that isn’t limited by anxiety. A mistake disrupts the flow of the talk only if the lecturer is insecure. Sometimes lecturers flub a word or lose their train of thought—it’s a great opportunity to see the different ways minds work. Some speakers freeze up and have a difficult time getting back on track, and you can feel the audience squirm. Other lecturers laugh at themselves, or just pause and take a breath, while still others are so well trained that if they do notice the error, they don’t let on. As long as the presenter is comfortable with imperfection, the audience remains engaged. The ability to accept that making mistakes is part of the process of being human allows you to stay calm under pressure. If you tell yourself that something is going to happen and it’s no big deal—“I’m going to say something wrong and stumble over my words”—it takes the power out of it and allows you freedom to express your most creative self.
The pessimist complains about the wind; the optimist expects it to change; the realist adjusts the sails.
—WILLIAM ARTHUR WARD
Successful people are positive, but they don’t live in a fantasy world. They know that changing habits and achieving goals take real work, and they welcome the effort because they know the payoff is worth it. Being an optimist is a great starting point, but if you think things are going to magically change simply because you’d like it to happen, you’ll be disappointed. That’s not how real life works. You need both optimism and realism to make dreams come true. You have to take both strengths and weaknesses into account, and understand that to accomplish something truly remarkable—swimming the English Channel, for example—takes some serious preparation. You’re going to learn all about being an optimistic realist by the time you finish this program.
The curious person is extremely inquisitive, loves to ask lots of questions, and listens with immense interest to the information received. I meet a lot of famous people, and I can tell you that celebrities come in different categories. There are those who feel that they “have arrived,” and have nothing left to learn, and there are those who are always hungry to learn more. In my experience, the latter group is the most successful, because they remain teachable. Many actors are in this group; they are like sponges, ready to soak up new information. It’s essential to their craft to be adept at morphing flawlessly into ever-changing roles. They are seekers, always inquisitive and trying to see life from a new perspective.
Being curious helps you try new things. You can tap into this trait by being willing to explore a place you’ve never been or try a new activity. This helps you detach from your regular routine, and to fully recharge, rejuvenate, and grow. The truly prosperous individual understands that curiosity is a key component of personal expansion.
It’s instinctual to see only one side of an equation—your own! But it takes real skill to recognize the emotions another person is feeling, especially during a heated conversation. People who lack empathy can alienate others and be perceived as arrogant. When you are able to step outside yourself and look at how others are feeling, everyone wins.
If being empathetic doesn’t come instinctively, that’s okay; it just means you need to practice until it becomes as reactive as sneezing when you smell pepper. This ability can be even more powerful when you apply it in a situation where it isn’t your responsibility, something I learned firsthand recently.
Not long ago, an appliance repairman came to my weekend house to fix my new stove, grill, and dishwasher. I had been trying to arrange an appointment for more than four months with this man and had been extremely detailed about the make and model of my appliances, giving meticulous information about the problems that I was having with them. Still, when this man arrived at my house, he took one look at the appliances and began complaining that he was missing needed equipment. As I listened, I could feel the pressure building, and as brains will do, mine produced the following thoughts: “You have to be kidding me! This should have been finished four months ago! I am not being treated fairly! These are new products.”
When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over. He does not need punishment; he needs help.
—THICH NHAT HANH
Had I expressed my sentiment, I’m sure the only thing that would have happened that day would have been a shouting match. Instead, I paused and took a breath. I tried to imagine what it must be like to be this repairman and how frustrating it would be to arrive without the proper equipment. Then I visualized my appliances completely repaired. I pictured myself grilling, boiling water, and running the dishwasher later that evening. I could feel my energy shift from exasperated to empathetic. When the handyman was done talking, I was able to respond with compassion. “Wow, that sounds frustrating,” I said, letting him know that I could see the situation from his side. “I am so glad you are here to help me fix these issues,” I finished, showing him how much faith I had in him.
Then I waited and trusted. Suddenly, the repairman looked more hopeful. He told me he thought he might have some saved parts in his truck that would work—and he did. Being empathetic toward this man by showing him that I knew the position he was in helped him return the same sentiment to me. He tried harder to find a solution—and we both won.
Having a team means you have people in your life you can rely on, and vice versa. Having others to lean on is essential to the human animal, and being able to give to others is a trait of the happiest humans. (It gets you out of your own head, for one thing.) People who have close friends, belong to a support network or church, or have close ties to family are all at lower risk for depression and anxiety, and tend to have better health than those who claim to be an island.
This is the person who thinks through everything from every possible angle and imagines all conceivable scenarios—they are always prepared. A client I work with is a hugely successful interior designer. Recently, in the middle of a training session that she had squeezed in a few hours before hosting an important dinner party, she got a call that might have upset some of the most unflappable people I know. The cleaners were calling to tell her that the tablecloths were not ready for the event. She didn’t miss a beat. She calmly told her staff to tape newspapers to the table and worked it into the decorations. Later I learned that the papers were such a hit that several guests, who were restaurant owners, started using them as a theme at their establishments. Not only were they economical, the papers were environmentally friendly. Brilliant!
Quick and highly capable minds amaze me, which is why I’m always impressed after I spend a session training Dr. Oz and his wife, Lisa. Here’s how a typical afternoon at their house goes:
First I work with Dr. Oz. While we are exercising, we’re constantly talking, and he always has a bunch of ideas for me. He’ll say, “You need to meet this person” or “You must write an article on mindfulness” or “I think you should read this book.” When we finish, it’s Lisa’s turn for a workout. When their training is complete, I go to pick up my backpack from the foyer, and there, next to my bag, is the book Dr. Oz mentioned during our session. By the time I get home and check my e-mail, there’s a message from Dr. Oz that details every idea we discussed that day, including phone numbers and links necessary to complete his suggestions.
This is the ability to let go of resentment or a wrong that was done to you. The forgiving person isn’t someone who denies, minimizes, or justifies a wrong—but they aren’t held hostage by it either. They have the ability to let it go, and by doing so, they gain peace and freedom. Studies show that people with highly forgiving personalities tend to rate their lives as highly rewarding, while those who harbor grudges live in mindsets of negativity. Being forgiving boosts your health, according to a study from the Journal of Behavioral Medicine that found forgiveness to be associated with lower heart rates and blood pressure, also reducing chronic stress. When you are unable to forgive, you pay the price of sheltering bitterness, and you can pass these negative emotions on to others. The forgiving person grasps that resentments stimulate a state of perpetual toxicity that keeps you trapped. The only way to be truly free and to live in the present moment is to forgive.
Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.
—EMMET FOX
Having the ability to live fully in the present moment is a true sign of wisdom. I have had the absolute honor and pleasure of knowing Clive Davis, the American music executive, for more than a decade, and besides having the best memory ever—at eighty-three, Clive can remember the name and exact location of a restaurant we went to years ago in some small European city—he also lives entirely in the present moment. I find it remarkable that Clive is always intensely awake and aware of all that is going on around him; you can feel his electrified energy. When he talks to you, you believe you are the most important person in the room. When people come up to him to take a picture, give him a demo CD, or ask for his autograph, he’s never inconvenienced. Clive responds with kindness and grace, asking them, “Where are you from?” or “Who is your favorite artist?” This is the quality of presence in action. Clive realizes that life really is play when you stay in the here and now. He has taught me again and again that love always sells better than hate. This is a skill that will teach you to live fully in the present moment.
This is the real secret of life—to be completely engaged with what you are doing in the here and now. And instead of calling it work, realize it is play.
—ALAN WATTS
Each of these tools will help you develop the skills needed to internalize the mindset part of the Whole-istic approach. Here you’ll find the descriptions of 10 powerful mental strategies to help you maximize success in all areas of your life.
In chapter 9, I’ll provide specific, detailed, and doable daily prescriptions for mind-stimulating exercises, as well as some general ideas and themes to focus on each week. For example, on week 2 you’ll focus on motivation, and for each day that week you’ll do mental exercises that focus on increasing your drive, enthusiasm, and resilience.
Note: How you eat, drink, and move also influence your mental edge. The essential nutritional and physical tools for success will be addressed in the following two chapters.
The act of putting pen to paper is something most of us do every day, from making a simple grocery list, putting a reminder on a sticky note, or leaving a message for a roommate, child, or spouse, to keeping a daily food diary, journal, or exercise log. Writing can help you clarify your thoughts, remember what you did yesterday, and help you get done what you need to accomplish today.
I find writing therapeutic because it helps me get clear on the patterns in my life, and I use to-do lists every day to keep me organized, manage my time, and help me remember those little things that I might otherwise forget. It doesn’t take fancy journals or expensive pens. I write my daily list on a used envelope each morning, and at the end of the day I recycle it. The process of throwing away my task list at the end of the day gives me a feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment. It not only keeps clutter out of my house, it keeps it out of my head as well.
I make pro-and-con lists whenever I am in conflict and can’t make a decision about a person, opportunity, or circumstance. Taking a few extra minutes to analyze the good and bad on paper provides me with crystal clear direction, and all confusion evaporates.
I also use writing to formulate and keep track of ideas. I’ve learned from practice that I can have a great idea, but if I don’t write it down somewhere I usually forget it, and then something that could have been life changing is lost. I also do this when I wake up in the middle of a dream, even if it is midnight. Dreams often give insight on how to solve a problem or clues about what we want in our lives, but if we don’t write them down, dreams quickly fade into the subconscious.
Putting your goals into writing creates commitment. Even if your journal is completely private, it still keeps you accountable because writing by hand taps into complex neural pathways. Handwriting seems to be more powerful than two-handed computer keyboarding because writing requires more fine motor skills than tapping on keys, according to researchers from the National Center for Reading Education and Research in Norway. The researchers believe that writing helps you focus deeply, leading to greater commitment. Many of my clients feel that their commitment to exercise is more concrete when they put it in writing.
Here’s a sampling of how writing can benefit your life.
• Enhances problem solving, judgment, and focus.
• Improves mental and physical health.
• Increases self-awareness.
• Enables better goal achievement.
• Clarifies priorities.
A little dose of doing nothing each day helps improve impulse control, self-awareness, self-control, and stress management. Meditation is the act of focusing on an anchor (often the breath, but also sights, sounds, activities, and so on) and releasing attachment to thoughts, feelings, and distractions. It’s a simple practice but not always easy. I love meditating. It helps me quiet the thoughts and opinions of others and myself. Meditation is a great way to shut down the useless mental static that so often runs amok in our heads. It helps me take responsibility for my thoughts, feelings, and actions.
Joel’s Jargon
FLOATING. My term for meditating. When I float, I allow myself—my thoughts, my feelings, and my physical being—to drift by like clouds in the sky. I drift without focusing on any one thing, just letting my thoughts wander where they want. I visualize my mind as a river, and the leaves and twigs floating by are my thoughts. I let them follow the stream. I’m often rewarded with inspiring thoughts and intuitive ideas.
Simply taking a few minutes to watch thoughts and emotions “float” by helps me realize the true nature of what is going on, and that helps me let go. At the very least, I gain clarity and am less likely to automatically or unconsciously react on an emotion that could have unpleasant results.
Sometimes when I meditate, I’ll notice a cyclic thought that my mind keeps repeating. I refer to this as “the conveyor belt.” These are thoughts I can’t seem to get out of my head. After I meditate, I’m able to consciously understand what is underlying the thought. That allows me to let it go.
How can meditation benefit you? Here are several examples:
• Builds willpower.
• Releases negativity and improves mindset.
• Boosts weight loss.
• Magnifies brainpower and memory.
• Reduces stress.
Visualizing is like previewing directions in Google Maps before driving to a new location. After you’ve looked at the route, it is easier to find the actual place because you’ve mentally practiced driving there. Using your imagination to walk through various scenarios does the same thing. Visualizing yourself succeeding at something you’d like to do—losing weight, running a marathon, effortlessly passing up tempting treats—is rehearsing the situation in your mind. Thanks to brain-imaging studies, we know that it works! Remember my designer client who had the trait of being “always prepared”? She was able to effortlessly substitute newspapers for the missing tablecloths because she had played out the scenario in her head before it happened.
Mentally picturing or imagining a future event fires off the neural pathways in your brain that light up when you are actually doing the activity. For example, if you close your eyes and see yourself nonchalantly waving off a tray of fried wontons at that upcoming work party next week, then when the actual event rolls around, you’ll effortlessly bypass the tempting morsels because your brain believes you already did! In other words, your brain already laid down the tracks for what you want to do, so it takes less effort to stay on track. It’s like walking in the footprints of the person in front of you on a snowy day—it’s easier because a path has been already prepared.
Athletes from Michael Phelps to Billie Jean King swear by visualization exercises as being central to why they win. Visualization has long been an essential training tool of elite sports. The United States took nine sports psychologists to the Sochi Winter Olympics to practice mental imagery with their athletes.
To get the best results, you must focus with as much detail—sounds, visuals, smells, and feelings—as possible, which you’ll learn in chapter 9. It might be all in your head, but using your imagination can bring a plethora of benefits to your life:
• Lose weight.
• Build strength and shed fat.
• Improve self-discipline.
• Curb cravings.
• Reduce pain.
Nothing is either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.
—WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
These statements that you think or say aloud to yourself are designed to change how you feel about yourself, your world, other people, and your perspective in general. They are also used to motivate and energize, to reinforce goals you wish to stick to, and to decrease negative thought patterns. Self-affirmations were popularized by French psychologist Émile Coué in the 1920s in his book Self-Mastery Through Conscious Autosuggestion. Coué believed that people could heal themselves by using such statements to mobilize the imagination to reprogram their brains. His most famous affirmation, “Every day in every way, I’m getting better and better,” is still used as a common affirmation today. How do affirmations work? The scientific thinking is that when you say, for instance, “Exercise is an inherent, effortless, and enjoyable part of my day,” repeating it several times, you create a grooved pathway in your brain (by affirming this thought to yourself) that makes believing the affirmation and committing to it automatic and effortless. In addition, when you fill your mind with positive thoughts, they lead to positive feelings and actions. Your thoughts cause chemical reactions in your brain and body and influence your behavior. If the thought is negative, so is the chemical reaction, which leads to negative feelings and behaviors, and vice versa; positive thoughts yield positive chemical reactions, which lead to positive feelings and behaviors.
I use affirmations constantly for myself and prescribe them to every client during every session. I choose phrases that focus on the most important goals, values, and aspirations you have for yourself in your life. If you want to lose weight, statements that support and reinforce this goal make sense. If it is stress relief and relaxation you are after, use statements about maximizing serenity and tranquillity. Affirmations work because your brain remodels itself based on what you ask it to do, and positive, self-affirming statements do just that—they create neural pathways in your brain that reinforce positive messages. You can use these little magic bullets at right on almost anything because they tap into your unconscious and make it a conscious working part of your mind.
• Improve mood: “Divine energy flows through me, and I am filled with happiness.”
• Decrease negative thoughts: “I know that the positive energy of the universe is flowing through me and revitalizing my being.” “I accept only positive energy into my mind, body, and life.”
• Increase self-worth: “I love myself just as I am.” “I am lovable and worthy of love.”
• Rev up energy: “I am radiant, shining, with an abundance of energy.” “My body is vibrant, glowing, shimmering with energy.”
• Foster resilience: “The challenges and obstacles I face are gifts of learning and growing.”
• Promote healthy eating: “I love nutritionally dense foods that invigorate, strengthen, and energize my body and soul.”
• Improve body image: “I love my amazing body and all that it does for me.” “I am filled with beauty.”
• Set intentions: “Today I have a plan for living my life passionately and with purpose.”
Spreading Affirmations
Affirmations are magic little nuggets of self-nurturing you can give yourself anywhere. When you practice them enough, they become automatic and spread to all areas of your life.
I’ve learned that one of the best ways to implement affirmations is right when a negative thought arises. I hear plenty of negative thoughts as I’m training my clients because people feel insecure about their performance and voice how they are feeling. For example: “I can’t do that, I’m too uncoordinated.” “That’s too hard for me.” “I can’t do any more.”
My response is usually “I know you can do this. Let’s go, and while you’re doing five more leg pendulums, please repeat after me, ‘I have amazing coordination. I can easily do any and every exercise. I have an abundance of energy. I can do whatever I want whenever I want to do it.’ ”
I was working with my client Sylvia recently, who has used these affirmations several times, and she said, “I have to thank you. I was unexpectedly called into a big meeting at work the other day, and my mind immediately started telling me that I wasn’t prepared. My chest got tight, and I started to sweat profusely, but then I heard your voice telling me to repeat the affirmations. So I walked down the hall to the meeting repeating to myself, ‘I can do anything at any moment in time.”
Sylvia said she felt great during the meeting, and her boss piped up at the end, boasting to her co-workers, “Do you see why she is on my team? She’s a rock star!”
One thing is a sure bet: being spiritual in whatever way works for you equates with success, happiness, ease, and confidence, according to scientific research.
What I have found by nurturing my own spirituality is a deep appreciation for the uniqueness and beauty, the specific purpose, of each of us. Acts of compassion and selflessness or altruism, and the experience of inner peace are all characteristics of spirituality. Taking time to nurture your own spirituality provides physical, mental, and nutritional benefits.
Though neuroscience still can’t fully explain it, spirituality seems to stimulate many areas of the brain in beneficial ways. The evidence doesn’t give any guidelines about believing in one sort of God over another. Rather, it’s just having a belief in something—a deep reverence for life, a feeling of wonder about art, or a deep respect for impermanence, as Buddhists believe. Simply believing in something that is more powerful than little old you helps people make changes, improve health, and overcome obstacles:
• Improves mood.
• Promotes better outcomes after surgery.
• Increases life span.
When I talk about socializing as a tool, what I mean is the process of cultivating and fostering your social network. This includes family and friends, as well as members of a shared support group, church, or other social group (a knitting circle, Zumba class, or your golf buddies). It also includes acquaintances you make each and every day. This tool refers to any and all opportunities to socialize; while every individual has different needs when it comes to interacting with others (depending on whether you are an introvert or extrovert), it is still important that we all have the maximum deserve level quota of social support.
The beautiful thing about socializing is that there are tons of opportunities to do it every day, and if you do it right (especially when you don’t feel like it), you will feel happier, more energized, and more motivated than if you isolate yourself. While it’s important to have a regular social network of loved ones, family, friends, and acquaintances, you can also derive much benefit each time you come into contact with any other human being. This can be especially powerful if you are able to share a little kindness or a smile with someone who is grumpy or sad.
Humans are social beings, and there’s no paucity of research on the benefits of social interaction. Here are some examples:
• Double your weight loss.
• Boost your brainpower.
• Get sick less often.
• Be happier, less lonely, and more empowered.
• Ease stress.
Sleep is endlessly fascinating to scientists, probably because no one has yet been able to determine exactly what happens when we sleep. Nonetheless, you know what you feel like after a lousy night of tossing and turning. Your face is puffy, and you feel foggy, crabby, and fuzzy. You can’t muster up energy to do your exercise, and you give in to the doughnuts at work that you’d usually pass up. What is known for sure is that when you don’t get enough ZZZs, your body and brain don’t function effectively. This is partly because when you’re tired, your cells don’t absorb glucose from your bloodstream as well as they should, then fatigue zaps your self-control and leaves you feeling anxious, irritable, and, of course, exhausted.
Most sleep scientists believe that slumber is a restorative and rejuvenating time for your brain, sort of similar to a computer set to automatically run consolidating functions, debugging programs, and updates at night. Obviously your body does get a mini-hibernation during each night’s rest, but your brain is busy consolidating the happenings of your day, playing out scenarios of future hypothetical events, and replaying unresolved past experiences. You also get a chance to replenish your reserves because during sleep the cells in your body and brain rejuvenate and repair themselves.
The Sleeping Beauty
I train an actress, Renee (not her real name), who came to me complaining of feeling blah during the hours she most needed energy. When I asked about her sleep schedule, she admitted she was sleeping only four or five hours a night. I asked what her monthly budget was for moisturizer and facial creams. “Hundreds, but I don’t know exactly. Cost doesn’t matter for my looks. It’s worth it,” she said.
“Without proper sleep, you can’t rejuvenate your face. You are doing more damage than any moisturizer or concealer can fix. You are cutting your career short by prematurely aging yourself,” I said. There was no way of being subtle about it. Sometimes you have to be a flying brick to get attention.
My blunt comment did the trick. Renee set herself a curfew and made it happen. She began bringing friends to workout sessions instead of staying up late talking on the phone. The change wasn’t immediate, but within a month I could see a noticeable difference. Her eyes went from glazed over to sparkling, and her energy soared. When Renee linked sleep to her looks, she was able to prioritize rest hours.
Unfortunately, we are living in the midst of an insomnia epidemic. As many as 70 million Americans report trouble sleeping, but there is good news. It’s fairly easy for most of us to improve our sleep schedules and get the seven to nine hours a night that we should be getting.
If you’re still not convinced that you need to change or improve your sleep habits, then review the benefits that healthy rest yields:
• Lose weight and curb hunger.
• Strengthen your immune system.
• Reduce anxiety and depression.
• Increase happiness and energy.
Making, playing, and listening to music does something magic to your brain. Studies have found that when we listen to harmonies, compositions, and songs we love, it helps us exercise longer and harder, and we enjoy it to boot. I have clients pick music to fit their mood that day, and it always helps get a workout pumped up to the maximum level. Each person is different, and everyone has personal preferences. I’ve had clients that get pumped up listening to sad, melancholy music, others who love big band productions, and still others that love metal rock. It doesn’t matter as long as the music “speaks” to you in the moment. It’s also important to update your music each time you work out. What sounds good to you on one day may not work at all on another.
Fact: Music is one of the few activities that activates, stimulates, and uses the entire brain.
Thanks to an ingeniously designed study from Germany, we know that making music also increases endurance and strength. The researchers designed gym workout machines to produce music based on how hard people worked out. The harder participants pumped the machines, the louder the music got. Compared to traditional exercisers, the music-enhanced exercisers worked out much harder and longer. Researchers speculate that it may be similar to the way fieldworkers or people on chain gangs sang as they worked. Music seems to trigger the emotional part of the brain, which is mostly unconscious, so your efforts seem diminished but returns are increased. Here are some other scientifically proven benefits music can bring to your mind:
• Work out longer and harder.
• Reduce negative emotions and physical pain.
• Change your mood.
• Make exercise feel effortless.
• Improve sleep.
Although someone else could wash your physical body, only you can cleanse your own soul; you are responsible for polishing it.
—RYUHO OKAWA
Naturally, breathing keeps you alive, which certainly makes it an important tool, but what I’m talking about is using your breathing properly to derive multiple benefits. Yes, it is something you do unconsciously, but most people do it incorrectly most of the time. Breathing exercises can be used in various ways to increase energy, decrease physical pain, reduce anxiety, improve impulse control, increase relaxation, lower heart disease and blood pressure, and enhance serenity. Here are just a few of the benefits of inhaling and exhaling:
• Reduce stress and depression.
• Increase heart health.
• Protect the lungs.
• Increase energy.
• Improve emotional balance and stability.
This is a tool you have inside your brain that allows you to process and evaluate experiences that result from the outside world combined with your feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. This tool takes the nine strategies to the next level because it teaches you to be, in a very real sense, your own coach. Practicing the first nine strategies as outlined in this book, especially following the daily prescription given in chapter 7, will hone your ability to be your own motivator. That said, I’m not saying that any of us, except those who actually have gone to school to be a therapist, are indeed therapists. I am pointing out that you will gain a wealth of extremely healing knowledge about yourself by learning and implementing this tool. Each of you has the ability to tap an internal wisdom that will guide you to the answers that are right for you, and self-reflection is how you tap this inner wisdom.
Many people aren’t aware that they have this tool inside them, while others use it all the time without even realizing it. Using self-reflection means being able to look at your life from a distance to see what change is needed and what patterns are keeping you from your goals. Having awareness is key to taking action to remove obstacles. It is learning to ask the right questions for you and for your growth. You will see the freedom and power that comes from accepting responsibility for yourself and being accountable. Being skilled at self-reflection means that you are able to tell yourself 100 percent of the story with absolute honesty—with all the dark dusty corners revealed. You won’t just look at the parts of your life that paint a pretty picture, and you won’t go looking for the answers you want to hear. This is about being truthful and looking at the whole picture. It’s about becoming fully self-actualized, and that means having the courage to face strengths and weaknesses alike. This is about living life on life’s terms and taking the needed action so that you get the results you want in life.
Here are the benefits of self-reflection:
• Improve self-motivation.
• Provide accurate and loving self-awareness.
• Eliminate unhealthy attachments.
• Reduce the need for approval.
• Boost emotional intelligence.
• Promote positive, empowered thinking.
• Increase honesty and clarity.
It is important to examine our thoughts as if they were in a transparent glass box and to consider whether we would be embarrassed if those thoughts were revealed to others.
By using the tools and strategies outlined in this chapter, you will come to exemplify the traits of a highly successful person. You will know your limits and honor healthy boundaries. You will be confident, trustworthy, and action oriented. You will know how to have fun and how to laugh freely. You will be optimistic and forgiving, and you will set realistic goals and know how to stick to them. Finally, you will discover strengths you never knew you had, you’ll uncover others that have been hidden away, and you’ll learn how to put them to use.
The Good Side of Stress
Usually when you hear about stress, it’s a bad thing; it makes you sick and can cause high blood pressure, depression, and heart disease, according to many health professionals. It’s hard to open a magazine without seeing an article about the harmful effects of stress, but there’s a brighter side to your body’s natural fight-or-flight system. It is actually your beliefs about stress that determine its effect on your health, according to Kelly McGonical, health psychologist at Stanford University.
According to studies from Harvard and the University of Wisconsin, if you believe stress is a good thing—that it is your amazing body’s way of preparing you to meet an upcoming challenge—then you actually trigger positive physiological responses in your brain and body that help you live longer and achieve your goals.
One of these positive responses is the hormone oxytocin. Oxytocin is called the cuddle hormone because it is also released when you hug or are hugged by someone, as well as by other sorts of pleasant social contact. Oxytocin has been shown to protect your heart from the negative effects of stress—and it is triggered by social contact, which means that whatever negative effects might come from stress, you can create stress resilience by helping someone else or letting someone else help you, by having fun with others, or by engaging in other social interactions.
So the next time you feel your heart racing or notice that you are breathing faster, pause and remember that your heart is preparing you for action, your lungs are getting more oxygen to your brain, and hormones such as oxytocin are being released, which will encourage you to take positive action, protect your heart, and help you live longer.