The Care and Keeping of Friends
I’m a big believer in the idea that we should give our non-romantic relationships the sort of attention, care, and mental energy that we give our romantic ones. I would like to see more women’s magazines devote as much space to the topic of friendship as they do to romantic relationships. “101 Ways to Please Your Friends This Weekend!” “Exactly What to Say to Blow Your Friend’s Mind Tonight!” But at minimum, we should be thinking about our close friends at least as much we think about our crushes, our favorite sports teams, or reality TV celebrities.
While I think that we as a culture are starting to recognize that friendships do deserve real time and attention, I don’t know that we’ve totally figured out what that means, practically speaking. So in this chapter, we’ll talk about how to do just that—how to have better conversations and hangouts, ways to make your friends feel seen and understood, tips for keeping in touch with people, and how to be more vulnerable within your friendships. I might not be able to give you 101 ways to please your friends this weekend, but I think we can get pretty close.
Showing Up for Friends Every Damn Day
Good interactions with friends are one of life’s greatest joys. And while it’s easy to be bad at conversations with friends, it’s not that hard to be good at them, either. Regularly showing up for friends is about being mindful of what you say (and don’t say), what you share, and when you share it.
Expressing Genuine Interest
Come to conversations prepared with things to talk about.
You don’t need to make a twenty-minute PowerPoint presentation before a coffee hangout, but in the hour before your visit, you may want to think of some answers to the inevitable “What’s new with you?” question. If you’re drawing a blank, think about what you’ve enjoyed recently (books, podcasts, movies, new recipes); any noteworthy purchases you’ve made since you saw them last; any new trips/vacations you’re planning; and anything on your calendar for the next month or so that you’re excited about.
Ask and remember the names of the coworkers and colleagues they talk about the most.
This tip—my friend Gyan’s suggestion—isn’t something I’d necessarily do during a first hangout, but it’s worthwhile if you’re a bit further along in the friendship process. Not only is it logistically easier, it communicates, “I am invested in you and your stories.” (Bonus: Ask to see photos of the main people in their life. It’s more fun and will help you remember the people better.) I always think it’s cute when a newer friend asks me about one of my other friends by name or says, “You don’t have to keep saying, ‘My coworker, Casey.’ I know who Casey is.” It’s a sign they’ve been paying attention.
When you’re catching up, ask them how their parents/siblings are doing.
I like this question because a) I tend to care about my friends’ families, and b) it’s a really effective way to get to know a friend better. If, for example, they are having a lot of conflict with their sibling, or their relationship with their parent is strained, that’s a big deal! And even if things are good, you’ll still learn a bit more about your friend through their answer.
Make a point to research or engage with their interests in your free time.
If they keep talking about a comic book or podcast they are into, or they recommend a recipe or product, check it out after your conversation. You might discover that it’s not really your thing, which is fine—you don’t have to join their fandom to further the friendship. Even saying something like, “I looked up that wild Wikipedia entry you mentioned the other day and—WOW!” communicates “I am listening to you and I am interested in you.”
Take an interest in the things your friend cares about, even if the topics aren’t exactly your cup of tea.
Sure, Steven Universe fanfic might not be your thing, but if your friend brings it up, you can still say, “Confession: I’ve actually never watched Steven Universe! What’s it about?” Or “Oh, I don’t know much about writing fanfic! How did you get into it?” Or “I don’t know anything about Steven Universe, but holy shit—this fanfic forum drama you’re describing sounds wild! Please tell me everything.” You don’t have to be friends with people you don’t share any interests with or who relentlessly blather on about topics you couldn’t care less about, but learning about new topics from people you like is fun.
Commit to being with the person or people you’re with.
A couple of years ago, I took a trip with a friend I rarely spent time with in person. We’d been looking forward to the trip for a while, so I was dismayed that she checked her phone constantly during the trip. I’d be in the middle of telling her a story over breakfast, and I’d realize she’d gone quiet because she was scrolling through one of her feeds. (Yes, while we were eating in a restaurant!) Or she’d say she needed to check her email for work, but a minute later was in her Instagram DMs, where she would then stay for . . . a while. I was hurt and also just annoyed. We’d planned this trip specifically because she said that she missed me and wanted to see me. The phone—which had always been central to the way we stayed in touch—had become a genuine barrier to connection.
Look: I’m not the phone police; I don’t care if people check their phones sometimes when we’re together. It’s not the end of the world if friends occasionally lounge around and scroll through their phones together. But it is frustrating when that crosses from “Sorry, I just need to respond to this text from my mom” to “I’m totally zoned out scrolling through Twitter and don’t even realize that I’m now ignoring you” territory. And it’s especially annoying if you don’t get to see the person very often, or if booking time together is kind of an event.
What constitutes “good” phone etiquette in a given group really depends on the people, but these days, I err on the side of caution because I’ve found myself feeling pretty bummed and disappointed by friends who are clearly more interested in their phones than in me. And it’s so easy to tell yourself that your friends don’t care if you check your phone frequently—even if they very much do care.
What to Say to a Friend Who Won’t Put Down Their Phone
Try to talk a little less about other people and a little more about your friend.
In We Need to Talk, Celeste Headlee writes, “Research shows we spend about 60 percent of our time in conversations talking about ourselves.” OK, not great, we should all definitely work on that! But then she goes on: “Most of the remaining time is spent talking about a third person, not the person we’re talking to. One study found that ‘most social conversation time is devoted to statements about the speaker’s own emotional experiences and/or relationships, or those of third parties not present.’”
My reaction to this was astonishment, immediately followed by, “Actually, yeah, that checks out.” It also made me realize exactly what had been bothering me about certain conversational patterns I was in with friends. It wasn’t talking too much about them that was making me feel a bit miffed. It was that we were talking extensively about their coworkers or our mutual friends, so I wasn’t really getting a chance to share my stuff. It wasn’t intentional—my friends are very conscientious and self-aware—and the tenor of our convos wasn’t negative or gossipy (quite the opposite, in fact). But the conversations were still leaving me feeling kind of disappointed, and I finally understood why: We were dedicating too much airtime to people who were not us.
This isn’t to say you can never talk about other people; there are a lot of great discussions to be had about mutual pals, family, celebrities, and politicians. But since learning this, I’ve been paying closer attention to the ways in which conversations are often dominated by talk about not-present third parties, and trying to reel it in when it’s happening at the expense of talking about the person I’m with.
Build a routine.
If you want to see your friends regularly, consider setting up a standing hangout day/time. Even if you have to reschedule occasionally, it’s still helpful to have something on the calendar holding you accountable. You could also opt to always do the same activity or meet at the same place so you don’t have to do the extra work of figuring that out each time. It’s OK—nice even!—to build intimacy through routine and familiarity.
Keeping It (Somewhat) Positive
Keep complaints and criticism in check.
You don’t have to be relentlessly positive with your friends; in fact, being cheerful all the time can ultimately come across as out-of-touch or dismissive. But being around endless complaining is exhausting and can still bring the other person down. For example, if your friend selected a restaurant for lunch and then the server was rude, your order came out cold, and you never got your drink, and you just keep repeating “Ugh, this sucks” and “I’m so disappointed” and “I can’t believe how terrible that service was” over and over, it can start to feel like criticism to your friend, who feels responsible for your displeasure, even if it’s clearly not their fault. Remember: If you have a complaint, you have a request. So take your request to the appropriate party and then move on!
Be mindful of how you talk about other people/other friends in front of them.
No one wants to open up to someone who is insensitive, judgmental, or gossipy. If you’re constantly sharing other people’s business, talking shit about mutual friends the moment they leave the room, or just being snarky, it makes everyone trust you less. On more than one occasion, I’ve had friends say really unkind things about other people and not realize they were insulting me in the process. It made me feel like I couldn’t trust this friend, and it fundamentally changed how I viewed them and our relationship.
Remember that intimacy isn’t transferable.
Just because a friend loves you and feels super comfortable around you, and you love and feel comfortable around your significant other, it doesn’t mean your friend wants to open up to your S. O.—or that your S. O. wants the friend opening up to them. Remember that your friends might not want to discuss personal topics while your partner is around or be OK with your sharing the things they told you in private with your partner later. And if you want to be close to a friend’s S. O., you have to do the work to build trust and intimacy with them as an individual.
Believe what they tell you.
If a friend is telling you about a personal experience, avoid interrogating them or taking the devil’s advocate position. (The devil doesn’t need more advocates!!!) Become known as the friend who says, “I believe you,” especially if your friend has never given you any reason not to believe them. (Which is the case more often than not!) This includes the seemingly small stuff too—like, don’t continue to hound people about whether they are really allergic to perfume, cilantro, weed, or whatever else.
Don’t pressure them to do things you know they don’t want to do.
If your friend tells you that the project they’ve been assigned to at work is confidential, don’t bug them (not even “jokingly”) to tell you what it is. If you know that they are vegan, don’t continue to ask them if they’ve changed their mind and want a big beefy hot dog. If they say they aren’t at liberty to share information about a mutual friend, drop it. Bugging a friend to break confidences or go against their values isn’t cute; it’s disrespectful.
Figure out how to talk about money
Imbalances in income, wealth, debt, vacation time, and/or personal money principles can really wear on friendships. And because money is so tied to morality and self-worth, it’s not always easy to communicate our financial circumstances, beliefs, and boundaries with pals. But money comes up a lot—directly and indirectly—in friendship, so it’s worth figuring out what everyone is comfortable with, and approaching these topics with an extra level of thoughtfulness.
I’ve found that it’s helpful to be proactive when it comes to talking about money. This can easily slip your mind if you’re not the one who is particularly worried about their budget, so try to make a habit of the following:
Ultimately, just be mindful of the fact that a lot of people won’t tell you directly that they are broke—and know that even people who have money will likely notice and appreciate your being thoughtful and considerate about others’ finances.
Honoring Your Friends
Establish shared traditions or shared languages.
Plan a weekend trip every summer, agree to see every new Star Wars movie together, write them a letter each year on their birthday, and so on. You can also develop your own shared language for things that come up a lot in conversations. Designating a phrase, acronym, or emoji to reference an inside joke or signal “I’m too busy to talk but am thinking of you!” can go a long way to deepen bonds.
When you’re attending their event (like their birthday party or their improv show) wear their favorite color, or an outfit you know they like.
When I was in college, my mom—who cares so little about fashion and clothing, and who is not a fan of the color pink—would wear her one pink T-shirt whenever she came to visit me. I knew she chose it specifically because I liked it, which made me feel seen and appreciated and genuinely happy. More recently, I long-distance came out as queer to her, and the next time I saw her, she just so happened to arrive wearing an Elton John concert T-shirt, which I am 150 percent sure was not an accident.
Take photos of and with them.
Having a couple of photos of yourself that you really like is such a treat. But a lot of folks don’t have any, or have a bunch of selfies they secretly feel kind of self-conscious about. So if a friend is having a great hair day or wearing an awesome outfit, tell them that, and then offer to snap some pics of them. (And take the time to get a shot that they are actually happy with!) And try to take more photos of your people in general when you’re together. Not for posting on social media—just to have.
Support their goals.
Showing up for friends means not begrudging their efforts when they are actively trying to change for the better. And if you’re feeling snarky or dismissive about your friends’ efforts to improve, remember that it probably has a lot more to do with you than it does with them, and it’s your responsibility to figure out what’s got you feeling A Way.
Don’t put your friends on a pedestal.
Admiring and looking up to your friends is a wonderful thing. But pedestals erase an individual’s humanity and ultimately create distance. According to therapist Andrea Bonior, “Putting a friend up on a pedestal means that it will be difficult for you to show your real self to them, and it will be hard for you to be realistic when they need help with their own vulnerabilities.”32 If you’ve ever been on the other side of it, you probably know that it doesn’t feel great to have a friend who looks up to you a little too much. “As much as it may feel good to have some admiration, there’s something unnerving about feeling like someone can’t handle the ‘real’ you,” Bonior says. So celebrate the shit out of your friends, but take note if you constantly feel like they are too good for you, and try to get to the root of that feeling before it begins to interfere with the friendship.
Ask for permission before sharing their good news with others.
I have a lot of thoughts on sharing people’s bad news without their permission (more on that later!) but I think it’s equally important to check that you’re cleared to share good news about them. (Because maybe they want to be the one to communicate the news of their job offer or engagement to your friend group!) In general, it’s wise to think of people’s stories as theirs, not yours.
Celebrate their wins like they’re your wins.
Being truly happy for other people is a beautiful thing, and it feels great to know that your friend is truly thrilled for you. So get everyone together for a spontaneous celebratory drink, buy them flowers, or just send them a thoughtful text that communicates “I’m so happy for you; you are wonderful and deserve nothing but good things.”
Good Group Hangouts
When I was in college, several people I knew were members of a Facebook group called “All We Do Is Have Blasts.” The first time I saw it, I remember thinking it was ridiculous and also made perfect sense. When I’m with friends, all I want to do is have a blast! Who doesn’t?! A good gathering with friends—the kind when you find yourself smiling the whole way home, or replaying your favorite moments the next day—is one of the most sustaining, fulfilling life experiences.
While you can’t necessarily engineer the perfect blast, you can be intentional and thoughtful about your hangouts. Whether you’re meeting two friends for coffee, or heading on your annual long weekend at the lake with fourteen people, four babies, and two dogs, here are some tips to keep in mind.
Think about the purpose of your hangout.
In The Art of Gathering, author Priya Parker recommends deciding why you’re getting together before you plan anything. Having an established purpose makes it easier to decide who to invite and what your activity will be, and helps you navigate issues like budget and the presence of +1s, kids, and phones. (Think about it: A book club, birthday, baby shower, and bachelor/ette party all tend to have fairly different expectations. And a casual hangout at age twenty-one might have a very different purpose or look quite different from a casual hangout at forty-five.) You can figure this out yourself (if you’re the host) or decide as a group, and make it explicit (by, say, putting it in the invite) or just keep it in mind as you plan.
Be thoughtful about the invite list.
Showing up for one person sometimes means shutting the door on someone else. (This is particularly true when there’s tension or mistrust within a friend group, which we’ll dig into in Chapter 10.) This isn’t carte blanche to be a cliquey little a-hole or, you know, a bigot. Exclusion should be done thoughtfully and sparingly, and with the utmost discretion—you should be mindful about how you talk about it in front of other friends, and if/how you post on social media.
Deciding who to invite or to exclude in the name of showing up can be difficult; it’s an instance where you have to draw on intuition and lived experience to decide what’s right. If you’re struggling, it’s helpful to consider how critical intimacy and self-expression are to the hangout. For example, a book club that has been meeting every month for the past fifteen years likely has a high level of intimacy that may evaporate if a new person enters the mix—so you probably shouldn’t be casual about adding new folks. But a newer book club where the participants don’t know each other very well doesn’t rely on intimacy as much to be fun or engaging, so the scenario might be “the more the merrier.” Meanwhile, a queer book club is centered, in part, on self-expression, so inviting people who would hinder that self-expression—or simply not make everyone the most comfortable—could be a problem.
Of course, not all hangouts will have such clearly defined purposes, and some people in the group might feel a higher need for self-expression or intimacy at a hangout than others. It’s helpful to think about these two needs when making the guest list, and to remember that if you’re trying to show up for everyone, you may not be able to truly show up for anyone.
Remember to honor the labor of showing up.
The labor of showing up is the (often invisible!) work of caring—thinking about other people’s feelings, comfort, needs, and preferences, and knowing what to care about in the first place. The labor of showing up is sending thank-you notes; it’s figuring out whose house the family will be going to for the holidays; it’s researching a venue that can hold a group of your size; it’s planning the group vacation; it’s RSVPing; it’s coordinating the office potlucks; it’s choosing, buying, and wrapping the gift for the birthday party your five-year-old is attending. It’s what has historically been treated as “women’s work,” and, as a result, is often undervalued, overlooked, and ignored.
In the context of group gatherings, the labor of showing up might look like . . .
When you don’t do any sort of labor within your friendship and/or fail to acknowledge that your friends are doing that work, it can lead to hurt feelings and resentment. And, as my friend Terri has said, just because your friend seems to enjoy doing it and is good at it, you don’t get to opt out entirely! You should still offer to help out so they can take a break occasionally, or offer to share the work by doing something similar in scope that still needs to be done. At the absolute minimum, you can do two things for a friend who takes on the labor of showing up: 1) respect the work, and 2) honor the work.
Respecting the work means paying attention and giving the person coordinating the event whatever they need to make planning easier. It’s reading the email about the lake trip and responding in a timely manner. It’s sending your RSVP or paying for your share on time. It’s not staying silent while everyone researches potential themes and T-shirt designs, and then, once they’ve all decided on a hoedown theme and red tank tops, chiming in with, “Y’all: What if we did a ’90s party and got matching purple hoodies?”
Honoring the work is even easier: It’s just saying thank you. “Thanks for setting up that spreadsheet!” “Thanks for taking the lead on this!” “Thank you for calling and making that reservation; I really appreciate it!” “Thank you for researching all the different T-shirt options and prices.” “Thank you for organizing this; it was so fun.” It’s truly that easy! Be as generous with your appreciation as your friend was with their time and energy.
A Modest Proposal: Take Notes When Hanging Out with Friends
I’ve been invited to join my friend Julia’s Ladies Article Club on a few occasions when I’ve visited her, and it’s always such a treat! One of my favorite aspects of this hangout is that someone always takes notes during the gathering. The note-taker writes down anything that comes up in conversation that warrants some kind of follow-up—so basically, if someone mentions a product or a recipe or a podcast episode or a good Instagram account, the note-taker adds it to her list. Then she’ll start an email thread with everyone later on to collect/share the items mentioned.
I’ve always thought this idea was so smart and efficient, and I’ve started doing it more when hanging out with friends—even just, like, during a coffee date. I like doing it because it’s practical, but also because writing these items down in my journal creates a mini diary entry about the hangout/the conversation.
I was recently at my friend Emily’s apartment for a little friend dinner party, and when she mentioned a book she liked, I said, “Wait, I’m going to write down the stuff we talk about so I can look it up later.” I pulled out my notebook and pen, and another friend, Jess, said, “Welcome to Rachel’s meeting,” and everyone laughed. AND YET! An hour or so later, Emily asked me where my pullover and my socks were from, and when I told her, she said, “Wait, I want to write all this down,” and took out her phone and opened the Notes app. And later that night, after we’d all gone home, Jess texted the group and said, “Who is sending out the meeting notes?” And we all shared the things we’d discussed and made a note of!
I always think I’m going to remember all the things my friends or I mention when we’re hanging out, but when you’re with smart/well-read/interesting people, that’s basically impossible. Just take notes!
Keeping in Touch
Keeping in touch with friends should be easy. After all, we’ve got a device that allows us to do so on our person pretty much all the time. And yet. And yet. It recently occurred to me that I was actually much better at keeping in touch with people**** before the rise of smartphones and apps, and I don’t think that’s a coincidence. Of course, there are other reasons I was better at keeping in touch back then: We were younger, so we had fewer responsibilities and more time on our hands, and, at the time, I think everyone was less resistant to phone calls. But I also know that my iPhone is, in part, to blame! I can no longer tell myself that liking a friend’s pic is the same as keeping in touch—or, at least, it’s not enough when it comes to the people I care about most. If I want to be a part of people’s lives, I’ve realized, I have to do the work. Here are some tips that I’ve found helpful.
Stop putting it off.
Falling out of touch with a friend is a vicious cycle; the longer you let time pass without a good update, the harder it gets to pick up where you left off. Because so much has happened since your last chat, the mere idea of downloading the past four months of events can be exhausting.
But if you have let too much time lapse, all hope is not lost! If you want to maintain the friendship, just suck it up and commit to a big catch-up session (think: a LONG phone chat, a day or weekend spent together IRL, a long-ass email where you give the backstory and context for what’s currently happening in your life). Once that’s out of the way, commit to talking more consistently going forward.
Make time for them.
Remember Shasta Nelson’s frientimacy triangle? Of course you do! And remember that consistency is one of the main components? Of course you do! (But if you don’t, go back to the triangle.) That consistency can’t happen if you don’t set aside time for it.
A lot of us fall into the trap of staying in touch in small ways that feel meaningful (liking social media posts, occasionally texting articles or memes) and that don’t take a lot of time. It “costs” less time and energy, sure—but that’s because it’s a lower-quality conversation. After all, sending links or hitting “like” isn’t the same as both of you sharing updates about your life. So try to think of these as supplementary interactions, and then regularly make time for the meatier, more meaningful interactions.
Of course, finding time for this is easier said than done. Having time for catch-up sessions might mean that something else you enjoy doing (*cough* watching every single Instagram story *cough*) has to go, and it can be helpful to return to your list of priorities here. But it also might mean you can’t stay in touch with everyone you’re fond of or you’d like to be close to. Remember Dunbar’s numbers; most of us can really only manage three to five super intimate relationships at a time (and that includes family members!), and nine to fifteen close relationships. It can be hard to admit that you can’t actually be best friends with everyone, but . . . you can’t! Admitting and owning your limitations is a major part of showing up.
Find a method of communication that works best for the two of you.
Every relationship is different, with two people who bring unique circumstances and preferences that will affect how you’ll communicate. Your time zone, work schedules (and types of work), daily routines, internet/cellular connection, physical abilities, and access to privacy can all influence which communication form will be best for a particular relationship at a given time.
Here are some of the ways you might converse/interact with a friend.
But also: Be creative! Perhaps talking on the phone while sitting around the house doesn’t work for you but voice chatting while you play a video game together is perfect. Maybe instead of sending a friend an email, you send them a Google Doc so they can easily comment on or reply to the things you’re sharing in-line. The point isn’t to do what other people think is “right”—it’s to find a method of communication that achieves the intended goal.
And once you’re doing meaningful check-ins consistently, you may want to establish a low-hanging-fruit way to chat with each other day to day. Something as simple as Snapchatting (yes, Snapchat!!!) each other pics of your breakfast and outfits every morning can be a surprisingly effective way to feel more connected.
If you’re not really a phone person, consider talking on the phone.
These days, I—like many people my age—am not much of a phone talker . . . which is wild, because I love talking, and I used to love talking on the phone! Most of my current excuses are situational (talking on the phone while walking on a crowded city street is hard; my apartment doesn’t have great cell service), and while they are valid, they aren’t exactly deal breakers. Also, talking on the phone is just more efficient than texting or emailing or instant messaging (especially now that we know how bad/inefficient multitasking is).
Anyway, my phone call–loving (and text-loving!) friend Terri has taught me the important lesson that some people are great on the phone (and not great at texting), so I’ve been making more phone calls. And it’s been great! (But do consider giving any text-loving friend a heads-up that you’re going to call them more often, so they don’t see their phone ringing and assume it’s a butt-dial, or that someone died.)
So, if you’re able to talk on the phone, maybe do that! It’s better than losing lifelong friends because they can’t chat on Google Hangouts all day at work.
Don’t hesitate to set up standing days/times to talk.
If you and your friends tend to play a lot of phone tag, it might be wise to put your catch-up sessions on the calendar in advance. If that isn’t possible, you can still try to get a general sense of what works and what doesn’t work with their schedule. For example, if your friend works 9:00 to 5:00 every weekday, calling them to catch up at 3:00 pm on a weekday probably doesn’t make sense. (This seems fairly obvious, but you’d be surprised how many people do it anyway!) But if you know your friend has a forty-five-minute walk home every day, you might find that a random Thursday evening when you have some unexpected down time is the perfect moment to call—even if you haven’t already planned that you’re going to talk then.
Make your text conversations more meaningful.
If, for whatever reason, texting is the best way to stay in touch with someone, you can make those conversations more productive and effective. First, try aligning with your friend on how you view texting. If you have more meaningful conversations when you’re both present (like an instant-message conversation), treat it like an instant-message conversation! That might mean you only do it when you’re both in the mood and available, and it might require a more formal start to the conversation—such as asking them if they are around and have a second to chat. On the other hand, if both of you want to treat it as an asynchronous form of communication (more like email), it might be OK to send each other longer updates and messages, knowing there’s no expectation of an immediate response.
Second, aim to communicate effectively. That doesn’t always mean fast; in fact, the desire to compose a reply too quickly can lead to a lot of difficult-to-parse abbreviations or shorthand, which can ultimately hinder the conversation. Instead, focus on ensuring that the other person understands you. So: Use punctuation and capital letters, correct any typos, and do the work to make sure your tone is really felt (even just via emojis). And instead of simply sending a link or a photo, also add a message with your thoughts or that explains why you’re sending it. This might sound obvious, but a lot of people don’t bother, and it really makes a difference.
I’m also a fan of “texting” via my computer, which can often be done even if the other person is messaging you from their phone. My wrists quickly start to hurt when I type long messages on my phone, which makes a thoughtful, meaningful conversation difficult. But if you’re using Facebook Messenger, WhatsApp, Slack, Google Hangouts, or iMessage (and you have a Mac computer), using a computer is an option. (And if it’s someone you really want to stay in touch with, it might be worth switching the conversation to a different platform to make this possible.) Basically, doing this allows you to treat texting more like email or old-school AIM, and to be a little more engaged and communicative than you would be on your phone.
Try not to rely solely on social media for updates.
We all know that social media updates provide a snippet of our lives that never tells the whole story. Yet we’re often still content to get a large portion of our updates about our friends from social media!!! So consider this a gentle reminder that getting updates mainly from social media really isn’t enough.
If you’re using social media to stay in touch, be intentional about it. That might mean setting up a private Facebook group for your closest friends, where you can all share honest updates without it being super public. It might mean using the “close friends” feature on Instagram more, so you can share the unfiltered version of your life. It probably does not—and I’m just spitballing here—mean scrolling through your feed for hours, looking at influencers, bra ads, and random people you went to high school with or met once at a party ten years ago.
I think of social media updates as a jumping-off point that tells me something about a friend’s life that I can then ask them more about later. If I see a friend’s vacation photos, I can glean some top-level information (where they were, who they were with, the activities they did, how the weather was) that means I don’t have to ask a million basic questions later. But I’ll still ask them about it and give them space to tell me more about the trip the next time I chat with them. Saying something like, “How was the trip? I saw your photos on Facebook!” communicates, “You don’t have to repeat anything you already posted publicly. ***** . . . but I’m still interested in hearing about your experience, including all the details you didn’t share.”
Pay attention to the weather in the city.
This tip comes from my friend Gyan, an Australian living in the US, far from most of her closest friends. “The argument that talking about the weather is lazy or boring is to ignore the fact that the weather is something we all deal with literally every single day,” she says. “Weather influences our outfit decisions, weekend plans, and daily commute—it’s a big deal, and I’m not ashamed to admit that it’s often one of the first things my friends and I talk about. I live in an opposite climate to most of them, so when it was snowing in New York and they were melting during a Sydney heat wave, we empathized with each other. Watching the forecast of my friends’ hometowns offers a tiny daily insight into the lives of my favorite people, and I highly recommend it.”33
Ask to see photos of the people they talk about the most.
I mentioned this earlier as a nice way to show up for all of your friends, but it’s just the practical choice in a long-distance friendship. When you’ll likely never meet any of the people you’re hearing so much about, or when your friend has three different coworkers named Ali, it’s so helpful to be able to keep everyone’s faces in mind.
If possible, connect with a few other people in your friend’s location.
If your friend just moved across the country, it’s not a bad idea to, say, get their spouse’s contact info, or get the number of the new work BFF you met on your recent visit. You don’t have to talk with these people regularly; it’s just about establishing a lightweight connection in case you ever want to plan an IRL surprise for the friend, or in the event that you haven’t heard from the friend and are suddenly very worried about their well-being. One of the biggest downsides to maintaining a long-distance friendship is that it makes noticing patterns (and responding) more difficult; having a connection to someone “on the ground” can help offset this.
Do activities “together” even if you’re far apart.
This could mean reading the same book, watching the same TV show, going to see the same movie on the same day, or cooking the same recipes. It’s not the same as doing it together, of course, but it still feels pretty darn good and allows you to continue to inject new experiences into your relationship.
Make plans for the future.
Doing this is a clear sign of commitment, which can be incredibly reassuring if you’re worried your friend is going to drop off the face of the earth after moving to a new city. So start thinking ahead! Maybe you’ll commit to flying across the country on each other’s birthdays every single year . . . but it also doesn’t have to be that deep! You could take some of the advice above, but instead of planning to read a single book “together” right now, you could start a virtual book club where you read a book “together” every other month, or every three months.
Remember that it’s OK to give up.
If you’re really struggling to connect with a friend—literally or figuratively—it might be time to ask yourself whether you truly want to. Not all friendships are forever friendships, and some friendships are helped a great deal by proximity or exposure or being at a certain life stage. It can be a bummer to realize that, and it might leave you thinking, Was this just a friendship of convenience? But I don’t think it necessarily means the friendship wasn’t real; it’s just that some friendships simply can’t overcome inconvenience, and you had no way of knowing this until one of you got a new job or moved away. Be grateful for the good things this friendship brought into your life, accept things as they are (instead of what you wish they could be), let go of your guilt, and put your precious time and energy into someone or something that makes you feel as good as that friend once did.
Embracing Vulnerability
Remember the positivity-consistency-vulnerability pyramid from Chapter 5? Well, it’s not just for hard times or for new friends; it’s also helpful when it comes to taking established relationships to the next level. That’s because vulnerability is a big factor in what separates acquaintances, good friends, and close friends. If you never allow your friends to see your true self, they will never get to know the real you.
Many of us are afraid of sharing TMI (too much information) with our friends. But in some relationships, the problem might actually be sharing NEI—not enough information. Because when you refuse to share anything messy or private or embarrassing about yourself, you downplay your own humanity and erect a wall between yourself and others. After all, it’s hard to feel comfortable being your true, imperfect self around people who never ever seem to make mistakes.
It’s also not unreasonable for kind, thoughtful people to interpret your lack of vulnerability as a Them Problem—even if it’s not—and assume you don’t like them or trust them. Refusing to open up to the friends you’ve known for a while (and who are slowly opening up to you) can, over time, begin to communicate, You aren’t in my inner circle or I didn’t want to turn to you for support in this moment. Which: fine! You’re allowed to be choosy about who you share private information with and to keep big life news quiet for practical, logistical, or personal reasons! But if you’re regularly keeping significant information from your closest friends—those you purport to trust and care about—it can chip away at the trust and honesty in the friendship and stand in the way of real, meaningful connections. If you know that your friendships could benefit from a dose of vulnerability on your part but don’t know how to make it happen, here are some tips that may help.
Name your wants and needs.
Your needs and desires are a huge part of who you are, so communicating them is a crucial part of allowing others to fully know you. Revisit this list, and think about what needs you’re currently comfortable sharing with different friends. Are you OK sharing what you need from other people with your friends? (Think: what you want and need from your family, your other friends, your romantic partners, your coworkers, the bartender who is currently serving you drinks, etc.) Do you feel like you can talk about your hopes and dreams with them? And are you able to share what you need from them with them?
By the way, if you’re not used to thinking about what you want and need from a friend, it might look something like needing . . .
And if you haven’t been naming any of these needs, think about why. It could be a Them Problem . . . or it could be a You Problem.
Them Problem: They’ve reacted badly or been nasty when you (or other people) have expressed a similar want/need in the past; they are highly critical in general and tend to judge or shame people.
You Problem: You don’t know what you need; you think they’ll like you less if you’re honest about your needs; you want to be seen as perfect; they haven’t already magically guessed what it is you need, and that annoys you; you believe they’ll criticize you for your behavior, and you kiiiiinda know they’d be right.
If it’s a Them Problem, it could be time to evaluate this relationship as a whole. If it’s a You Problem, consider being more vulnerable with them. In either case, you can test the waters by being more honest about a need that is low-stakes, and one that you’re not terribly emotionally invested in. Once you’ve established that they aren’t going to dump you simply because you told them you’re hoping to get promoted at work soon, you can start sharing the needs that feel scarier.
Initiate new activities and topics of conversation.
Going outside the established routine of a friendship—by expanding your chosen activities, topics of conversation, or forms of communication—can be really scary! “We can feel nervous about intruding into each other’s lives, scared to want something they don’t,” Frientimacy author Shasta Nelson says. “This can then trigger feelings of rejection, and fears that we’re too needy.” But refusing to put ourselves out there all but ensures that the relationship will never level up.
So take a deep breath and invite your work friend to the concert you’re dying to get tickets to, ask the friend you text with a lot if they want to catch up over the phone, or ask the friend you only ever get coffee with if they’d like to go shopping with you. Even if they say no, the act of asking still matters. And while you’re at it, gently introduce new topics of conversation that go beyond the subjects you usually cover when you hang out. Dipping a toe into topics like sex, money, religion, death, and/or family drama is scary, particularly if you really like the friend and want them to like you. But realizing you can talk to a new friend about these topics is a big deal and can be incredibly affirming.
Invite your friends into your home—even if your home isn’t clean.
Allowing a person to come into your home is a very vulnerable act; doing so communicates: “I will let you see me in my most private and safe space, and I trust you not to harm me here.”34 And this is heightened when your home isn’t party-ready—when there are dishes in the sink, when your bed is unmade, and when there are piles of laundry everywhere.
Show effort.
People—particularly women—are often expected to do everything (choose outfits, make friends, get a promotion, have a clean house, raise children, have perky tits) without ever breaking a sweat. To make an effort is to admit you want or need something—that your life isn’t exactly where you want it to be. It’s difficult to do this because people aren’t always kind when they realize you’re trying really hard to do a good job or achieve a goal or be liked. But that’s exactly why it’s a good idea to make a habit of being honest about your effort in the context of vulnerability! When you show your work—and not in a humble-brag sort of way, but genuinely—you allow people to get a better sense of who you are and what you need. And you allow them to cheer you on as you try, and console you if you fail. By showing your effort, you give them the space to be honest about their efforts, too.
Go ahead and admit “This is hard for me to talk about” or “I don’t share this with many people.”
Even though it might seem obvious to you that you’re being vulnerable, it’s a good idea to be explicit about it, particularly if you’re talking to a newer friend. We all have different comfort levels when it comes to sharing personal information. For example, you might be panicking inside as you prepare to tell your friend you are starting therapy, and they might react as if it’s the most normal thing in the world—because they don’t feel embarrassed about going to therapy. When you name your struggle, you communicate that you want the other person to show up for you—something that is good for both of you. It also holds you accountable; once you admit what you’re doing to yourself, you can’t play it off as no big deal later on (or if they react badly/reject you). Also, naming your behavior can be a good gut check; it forces you to stop and ask yourself if you really want to share this information, and whether it’s appropriate to share with this particular person right now.
Be open about the things you like and love, and share your wins.
It’s worth remembering that vulnerability isn’t just being honest about the shitty stuff; it’s also about sharing the good stuff. Communicating excitement or success can be scary—like you’re a middle schooler who is about to get their chair kicked out from under them, perhaps as punishment for “bragging.” Being earnest feels way more vulnerable than being apathetic or disengaged or ironic . . . but I also can’t imagine going through life any other way. And true friends will want to hear this stuff. Sorry to be all teacher-in-an-after-school-special, but the people who judge you or mock you when you talk about things you’re clearly excited about aren’t the people you’re meant to be friends with. It’s not corny; it’s just true.
Apologize.
We’ll get more into how to apologize well in Chapter 10, but I’m mentioning it here because it’s one of the purest forms of vulnerability. If you never apologize to your friends—even after they express anger or frustration—it might be a sign that you aren’t willing to be vulnerable.
Make sure they are being vulnerable, too.
Vulnerability can’t be a one-way street; if only one of you is sharing regularly, that could be a sign that something is amiss. If you’re being vulnerable and they aren’t, it could be a Them Problem, or it could be a You Problem.
Them Problem: They struggle to open up to people; they are worried you’ll think less of them, even though you’ve never given them a reason to think that.
You Problem: You’re sharing too much, too soon; you’re misreading their interest in you or their investment in the friendship; you haven’t shown them that you’re really trustworthy; you’re actually not offering true vulnerability.
Of course, you can’t force anyone to open up to you if they don’t want to! But if you want to improve your friendships, it’s a good idea to periodically take stock and see if you appear to be on the same page, vulnerability-wise.
Beware of inauthentic authenticity.
I first came across the term “inauthentic authenticity” in Martin Lindstrom’s book Brandwashed. He talks about it in the context of retailers like Whole Foods. Think about their chalkboard signs with “messy” handwritten prices and the “rustic” wooden crates meant to invoke a roadside mom-and-pop fruit stand . . . even though the produce came from a big-ass farm hundreds of miles away. I often think about this in the context of friendships—because I’ve noticed a lot of humans exhibiting the exact same behavior. It’s incredibly frustrating to have a conversation with someone who is performing vulnerability, and doing so ultimately harms the relationship in the long run. If you find yourself “opening up” about supposedly “vulnerable” topics or “flaws” that you actually personally feel safe sharing or are relatively confident won’t change someone’s opinion of you, and you’re doing it in an attempt to seem closer to the person than you really are to get them to open up to you or to fast-track an intimate friendship, you miiiiight be doing it wrong and falling into the inauthentic authenticity trap.
Be generous in telling them how you feel about them.
“I really miss you.” “I’m worried about you.” “I appreciate you.” “Your friendship means so much to me.” “I love you.” And, as my friend Gyan has taught me, “Be specific with your compliments. Your friends deserve to know exactly why they’re important to the world.”