Index

Abrams, Lois
acceptance, importance of
accepting influence questionnaire
accusations, in harsh start-up
active listening, 1.1, 6.1
addiction
admiration, see fondness and admiration system
adrenaline, and stress, 1.1, 3.1, 3.2
advice, unsolicited
affairs, extramarital, 1.1, 2.1, 3.1, 10.1
affection
After the Honeymoon (Wile)
alcoholism
“Amazing Grace”
American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy
anger, 1.1, 1.2, 2.1, 7.1, 7.2
and belligerence
coping with partner’s
“anything you say, dear”
apology, 2.1, 9.1, 9.2, aft.1
appreciation, expression of, 9.1, aft.1
arguments, 1.1, 1.2, 2.1
resolution impossible in
atmosphere, creation of
attunement
babies, see parenthood
bank account, emotional, 6.1, 6.2
Barbach, Lonnie
Barry, Dave
belligerence, 3.1, 3.2, 7.1, 7.2
Bernstein, Carl
betrayal, 2.1, 10.1
bids for connection, 6.1, 6.2, 6.3
bill-paying
blame, avoidance of, 9.1, 9.2
blood pressure, 1.1, 2.1, 3.1, 3.2
body language, 3.1, 3.2
Bradbury, Tom
brain, oxytocin in
breast-feeding, 3.1, 10.1
budgets, 10.1, 10.2, 10.3
cardiovascular system, and stress
Carr, Nicholas
Carstensen, Laura
cheating
cherishing, partner
children
behavior problems of
and dreams
emotional intelligence and
expression of feelings and
and gender differences
negative emotions in
stress levels of
see also parenthood
cognitive therapy
commitment, 2.1, 2.2
common ground, finding, 9.1, 11.1
common interests
communication, 1.1, 2.1
of apology, 2.1, 9.1, 9.2, aft.1
of appreciation, 5.1, 9.1, aft.1
body language, 3.1, 3.2
creating atmosphere
and electronic distractions
feedback loops
getting to yes in
of repair attempts
rituals of
stonewalling in, 3.1, 3.2, 3.3, 7.1, 7.2, 9.1
stop action!
stress-reducing
of understanding
complaint
vs. criticism
without blame
Complete Book of Guys, The (Barry)
compromise, 1.1, 7.1, 9.1, 9.2, 9.3, 9.4, 10.1, 11.1, 11.2, 11.3
conflict
avoidance of
different styles of
escalation of
gridlock, 7.1, 7.2, 8.1, 8.2, 8.3
perpetual problems, see also gridlock, 8.1, 8.2
questionnaire
solvable problems, see also problem solving
subjective reality in
conflict resolution
keys to
in marital therapy
Conger, Rand
connection, rituals of, 12.1, 12.2
Consumer Reports
contempt, 3.1, 3.2, 3.3, 3.4, 7.1, 7.2, 9.1
antidote to
criticism and
cynicism and
couples’ therapy, see marital therapy
Creeley, Robert
criticism, 3.1, 3.2, 3.3, 6.1, 7.1, 9.1, aft.1
complaints vs.
as harsh start-up
pain of
culture
cynicism
date, weekly
De Becker, Gavin
decision making, 7.1, 7.2
defensiveness, 3.1, 3.2, 3.3, 3.4, 6.1, 7.1, 7.2, 9.1
depression, 1.1, 1.2, 1.3, 5.1, 7.1
detecting dreams
disengagement
distraction, culture of
divorce
bad memories in
body language in
children and
in end stage
extramarital affairs and
failed repair attempts, 3.1, 3.2
flooding in
four horsemen in
harsh start-up in
and health
parallel lives vs., 3.1, 8.1
peaceful
predictions of, 1.1, 1.2, 3.1
rates of, 1.1, 1.2
Divorce Mediation Project
Doherty, William
dopamine
dreams
content of
detecting
hidden, 11.1, 11.2, 11.3, 11.4
respect for
Driver, Jani
electronic distractions, 10.1, 10.2
emotional bank account, 6.1, 6.2
emotional injuries
emotional intelligence, 1.1, 2.1, 2.2, 3.1, 4.1, 7.1, 7.2, 11.1
of husbands
emotion coaching
empathy, 1.1, 2.1, 9.1
emWave
end stage
enduring vulnerabilities, 1.1, 9.1
Ephron, Nora
evolution, and survival
exercises
asking open-ended questions
detecting dreams
emotional bank account, 6.1, 6.2
finding common ground, 9.1, 11.1
fondness and admiration
goals
Gottman Island Survival Game
gridlock
history and philosophy of your marriage
“I appreciate … ,”
influence
in-law problems
love maps
problem solving, 9.1, 9.2, 9.3
processing previous emotional injury
rituals
roles
saying thank you
self-soothing
seven-week course in fondness and admiration
shared meaning
softened start-up
soothing each other
stress-reducing conversation
symbols
talking it out
thanksgiving
turning toward each other
20 questions game
what to do when your spouse doesn’t turn toward you
who am I?, 4.1, 6.1, 9.1
yielding to win
expectations, lowering of
expenditures, itemizing
exploratory statements, examples of
extramarital affairs, 1.1, 2.1, 3.1, 10.1
Faulkner, William
fear reactions
feedback loops
feelings
coping with partner’s
validation of, 1.1, 6.1
fighting, see friendship vs. fighting
fight or flight response
finances, see money
flirting, 1.1, 3.1
flooding, 3.1, 3.2, 7.1, 9.1, 9.2
emotional distress in
physical sensations of, 3.1, 3.2, 3.3
and problem solving
questionnaire
stonewalling and
fondness and admiration system, 2.1, 5.1, 6.1, 7.1, 11.1, aft.1
antidote to contempt
exercises
fanning the flames of
focus on
history and philosophy of your marriage
“I appreciate … ”
learning from history
learning to cherish partner
questionnaire
seven-week course in
forgiveness, self-
four horsemen, 3.1, 3.2, 3.3, 3.4, 7.1, 7.2, 8.1, 9.1, 10.1
contempt
criticism
defensiveness
stonewalling
friendship vs. fighting, 2.1, 3.1
focus on
and influence
and parenthood
repair attempts in
future, financial
Game Theory
gender differences, 1.1, 3.1
anthropological evidence of
changes in
and children
in influence, 7.1, 7.2
in physiological reactions, 3.1, 9.1
see also men; women
Gift of Fear, The (de Becker)
Gigy, Lynn
Ginott, Haim
Glaser, Ron, 1.1, 1.2
goals
exercise
financial
personal, 12.1, 12.2
shared meaning and, 12.1, 12.2
Gordon, Thomas
Gottman, Julie
Gottman Island Survival Game
gridlock, 7.1, 7.2, 8.1, 8.2, 8.3, 10.1, 11.1, 12.1
areas of flexibility
dreams and
exercises in overcoming
saying thank you
signs
soothing each other in
working on issue of
Hahlweg, Kurt
harsh start-up, 3.1, 3.2
appreciativeness vs.
clear statements in
complaint without blame
criticism in
exercise in
first three minutes of
“I” statements in
judgment and evaluation in
politeness vs.
questionnaire
softening of, 6.1, 9.1
storing things up in
health
and contempt
and divorce
and immune system
and marriage
Heartburn (Ephron)
heart disease
heart rate, 2.1, 3.1, 3.2, 3.3, 9.1, 9.2
hidden dreams, 11.1, 11.2, 11.3, 11.4
history, learning from
history and philosophy of your marriage
Hite, Shere
Hite Report, The
honor, how to convey
hormones, arguing and
hostile humor
hostility, 1.1, 1.2, 6.1
House, James
housework, 3.1, 10.1, 10.2
flexibility in
solving problems of
Who Does What List
humor, sense of
husbands
and baby care
changes in roles of
emotionally intelligent
and housework
learning to yield
and parenthood
playing with baby
sensitivity to needs of
see also men
immune system, and health
influence
“anything you say, dear”
changes in
compromise in
decision making in, 7.1, 7.2
escalation of conflict in
exercises
and friendship
gender differences in, 7.1, 7.2
Gottman Island Survival Game
learning to yield in
negativity in
power sharing in, 7.1, 7.2, 7.3
questionnaire
and religion
resistance in, 7.1, 7.2
yielding to win in
in-laws
exercise in problem solving with
solving problems of
“innocent victim” stance
intelligence, emotional, 1.1, 2.1, 2.2, 3.1, 4.1, 7.1, 7.2, 7.3, 11.1
Intentional Family, The (Doherty)
interests, common
Internet, 6.1, 10.1, 10.2
“I” statements, 1.1, 1.2, 9.1, 9.2, 11.1
“I appreciate,” 5.1, 9.1, 9.2, 11.1
“I feel,”
“I need to calm down”
Jacobson, Neil, 1.1, 6.1
Kelly, Joan
Kiecolt-Glaser, Janice, 1.1, 1.2
killer cells
knowledge, strength in,
Lawson, Annette
Levenson, Robert, 3.1, 8.1
life expectancy, 1.1, 1.2
listening
active, 1.1, 6.1
and stonewalling
Love Lab, 1.1, 1.2, 2.1, 2.2, 3.1, 5.1, 9.1, 9.2, 10.1, 11.1, 11.2, aft.1
love maps, 4.1, 6.1, 7.1
exercises
knowledge and strength in
questionnaire
sexual
20 questions game
who am I?
Maccoby, Eleanor
Magic Six Hours
maintenance
Magic Six Hours
Marital Poop Detector
questionnaire
self-forgiveness
thanksgiving
marital conflict, see conflict
Marital Poop Detector
marital therapy
active listening in
benefits of
failure of
length of time for
prevention workshops
problem solving in, see problem solving
relapse after, 1.1, 1.2
validation of feelings in, 1.1, 6.1
wrong kind of
marriage
anatomy of
benefits of
and communication, see communication
conflict in, see conflict
emotionally intelligent, 1.1, 2.1, 2.2, 3.1, 4.1
end stage of
friendship vs. fighting in
and health
history and philosophy of
importance of satisfaction in
and life expectancy, 1.1, 1.2
maintaining momentum in
myths about, 1.1, 1.2
parallel lives in, 3.1, 8.1
primed for romance
purpose of
saving of
scientific data on, 1.1, 1.2
see also marital therapy
massage
masturbation, pornography and
McCarter, Loren
meaning, see shared meaning
meditation, 9.1, 9.2, 10.1
memories, negative
men
cardiovascular system of
control exercised by
from different planets
as emotionally intelligent husbands
learning to yield
as unfit for monogamy
see also gender differences; husbands
mental health issues
Merchant of Venice, The (Shakespeare)
metaphors
momentum, maintenance of
money
everyday finances
financial planning
itemizing expenditures
solving problems of
monogamy, men not built for
mood disorders
mothers, see parenthood; women
mutual respect
myths, about marriage, 1.1, 1.2
natural killer cells
natural selection
negative sentiment override, 2.1, 2.2, 2.3
negativity
in flooding
four horsemen and
harsh start-up and
importance of negative emotions
in memories
and stonewalling
neuroses
nursing, 3.1, 10.1
Oakley, Ann
open-ended questions
asking
examples of
optimism, 2.1, 9.1
oxytocin, 3.1, 10.1
parallel lives, 3.1, 8.1
parenthood, 10.1, 10.2
baby care in
break for mom in
culture of distraction and
dad’s needs in
and emotion coaching
focus on marital friendship in
solving problems of
time for the two of you
values shifting in
partings
past
learning from
rewritten
patriarchy
peer rejection
perpetual conflict, 8.1, 8.2
see also gridlock
personal goals, 12.1, 12.2
personality disorders
philanderers, men as
philosophy and history of your marriage
phobias
Poop Detector
pornography
positive sentiment override (PSO), 2.1, 3.1
questionnaire
post-traumatic stress disorder
power sharing, 7.1, 7.2, 7.3
praise
Price, Gail
privacy
problem solving, 1.1, 1.2, 3.1, 6.1, 9.1, aft.1
compromise
electronic distractions, 10.1, 10.2
emotional injuries
exercises, 9.1, 9.2
finding common ground, 9.1, 11.1
housework, 10.1, 10.2
in-laws, 10.1, 10.2
money, 10.1, 10.2
parenthood, 10.1, 10.2
repair attempts in
sex, 9.1, 10.1, 10.2
softening start-up in
soothing yourself and each other in
stress, 10.1, 10.2
see also gridlock
PSO, see positive sentiment override (PSO)
psychosis
pulse oximeter
questionnaires
conflict
flooding
fondness and admiration
harsh start-up
influence
love maps
maintenance
positive sentiment override (PSO)
quality of sex, romance, and passion in relationship
repair attempts
romance
shared goals
shared values
quid pro quo
reality, subjective, 8.1, 9.1
relaxation
religion, 11.1, 12.1, aft.1
and influence
repair attempts, 2.1, 3.1, 9.1
failed, 3.1, 3.2
getting the message through in
in problem solving
questionnaire
self-report method
Requiem for a Nun (Faulkner)
resistance, signs of
respect, how to convey
reunions
reverse conditioning
rituals
of connection, 12.1, 12.2
family, 12.1, 12.2
and sex
Roach Motel for Lovers, 2.1, 8.1
Robinson, Elizabeth
Rogerian psychotherapy, 1.1, 1.2
Rogers, Carl
roles
exercise
shared meaning and, 12.1, 12.2
romance questionnaire
sadness, coping with partner’s
sarcasm
and contempt
in harsh start-up
Seattle Love Lab, 1.1, 1.2, 2.1, 2.2, 3.1, 5.1, 9.1, 9.2, 10.1, 11.1, 11.2, aft.1
secret weapon
self-doubt
self-forgiveness
self-report method
self-soothing, 6.1, 6.2
self-soothing exercise
set point theory
Seven Principles, 1.1, 1.2, 2.1, 2.2, 2.3, 2.4, 3.1
first, see love maps
second, see fondness and admiration
third, see turning toward each other
fourth, see influence
fifth, see problem solving
sixth, see gridlock
seventh, see shared meaning
seven-week course in fondness and admiration
sex
and housework
initiating and refusing
love maps
and pornography
questionnaire
redefining meaning of
rituals and, 12.1, 12.2
solving problems of
talking about, 10.1, 10.2
Shakespeare, William
Shallows, The: What the Internet Is Doing to Our Brains (Carr)
Shapiro, Alyson, 4.1, 6.1
shared meaning
atmosphere created in
culture in
exercise in
in family rituals, 12.1, 12.2
goals in, 12.1, 12.2
rituals of connection in, 12.1, 12.2
roles in, 12.1, 12.2
symbols in, 12.1, 12.2
values and, 12.1, 12.2
Siegel, Dan
soft start-ups, 3.1, 9.1, 9.2
solvable problems
see also problem solving
soothing each other exercise
soothing yourself and each other, 9.1, 9.2
Sound Relationship House
stonewalling, 3.1, 3.2, 3.3, 7.1, 7.2, 9.1
stop action!
strength, in knowledge
stress
and cardiovascular system
children and
and fight or flight response
of flooding, 3.1, 3.2
gender differences
physiological reactions to
reduction of
self-soothing exercise
solving problem of, 10.1, 10.2
soothing each other exercise
soothing yourself and each other in
of unhappy marriage
subjective reality, 8.1, 9.1
substance abuse, 1.1, 10.1
suicide
survival
evolution and
Gottman Island Survival Game
sweating
symbols
exercise
shared meaning and
Tabares, Amber
talking it out exercise
thanksgiving exercise
thank you, saying
therapy, see marital therapy
toilet seat issue
triggers, identifying and exploring
trust, 2.1, 6.1, 6.2, 8.1
trust metric
turning toward each other, 6.1, 6.2, 7.1, 11.1
bids for connection, 6.1, 6.2, 6.3
emotional bank account, 6.1, 6.2
exercises
obstacles to
romance questionnaire
stress-reducing conservation
what to do to promote
20 questions game
understanding, communicating
University of Washington Love Lab, 1.1, 1.2, 2.1, 2.2, 3.1, 5.1, 9.1, 9.2, 10.1, 11.1, 11.2, aft.1
validation of feelings, 1.1, 6.1
values
atmosphere for discussion of
changing
exercise
shared meaning and, 12.1, 12.2
Verbrugge, Lois
vulnerabilities, enduring, 1.1, 9.1
weekly date
Weiss, Robert
we-ness, establishing sense of, 10.1, 10.2, 10.3
What Makes Love Last? (Gottman and Silver), 2.1, 10.1
white blood cells
who am I?, 4.1, 6.1, 9.1
Who Does What List
“why?”
Wile, Dan
wives, see women
women
from different planets
and housework
men’s control over
and parenthood
see also gender differences
yes, getting to
yield, learning to, 7.1, 7.2
yielding to win, 7.1, 9.1
“you scratch my back and … ”
Zillmann, Dolf