LEARNING
THE ALP APPROACH
Safety step, here
Attune, here
Limit set, here
Problem solve, here
Use natural consequences instead of punishments, here
Scripts and conversations, here
If your child is going to develop a healthy personality . . . she must learn how to test reality, regulate her impulses, stabilize her moods, integrate her feelings and actions, focus her concentration, and plan.
—Stanley Greenspan, MD
Aaron was a lovely dad who was perplexed by his suddenly aggressive toddler. Two-and-a-half-year-old Ella had started hitting him when she didn’t get what she wanted. It was usually over something seemingly insignificant, like having to get out of the tub or getting the Sleeping Beauty towel instead of the Cinderella one. She had never done this before, and it really worried him. Aaron would sternly say, “No hitting. Stop that!” As Ella continued to hit, Aaron quickly escalated to anger and scolding. “I said no! Why are you doing that? How many times do I have to tell you to stop hitting?” Ella would lose control and start kicking and screaming. He put her in time-out, but it didn’t seem to work. They were both frustrated and angry. He came to us worried he’d gotten off track, and wondering what to do to get through to her and make her stop.
Later in this chapter we’ll discuss how Aaron used ALP to solve Ella’s physical aggression, but as many parents know, this dilemma is a common one: Many babies and young kids express themselves physically when they’re upset, excited, overwhelmed, or trying to get someone’s attention. These behaviors can appear in the form of hitting, biting, pushing, pulling hair, pinching, and kicking, starting as young as eight to ten months of age.
Contrary to what you might think, hitting and biting is normal for babies and toddlers, so if your child does this, try not to worry. With the ALP steps in this chapter, you can make a plan and be ready for what to do and say. The key is to see these physical behaviors as the tip of the iceberg and figure out what’s underneath (attune), to be very clear that hurting other people’s bodies is not okay (limit set), and to help kids find other ways to express themselves (problem solve). There is always a reason our little ones do what they do, and we can be empathic while we also help them solve their dilemmas. Being curious about what is going on in your child’s inner mental world is the key to knowing how to respond in a way that is connected, consistent, and collaborative.
For some kids, learning not to hit takes time. If your toddler is acting out in a physical way, think of your job as helping him along in a process—soon his brain will take over the job of making better choices. You may have to respond quickly and repeatedly, over and over, until this happens.
Let’s talk about the reasons that kids hit, push, or bite. This will help you understand and maybe even address the cause. Do a quick scan to see if you can guess why your toddler might be hitting (also see further explanations in the pages that follow). Children may be:
Sleep deprived (We see this a lot!)
Overstimulated (too loud, too hot, too much sensory input)
Understimulated (bored, lonely)
Hungry
Trying to connect or express something
Testing the world and people’s reactions
Frustrated—unable to get needs met
Unable to do what they see others doing
Overwhelmed by excited, happy emotions
My child hits when:
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Sometimes kids hit because they feel threatened and backed into a corner—it’s their fight-or-flight reaction. Other times, it’s anger or aggression. Can you add anything to the list above?
Hitting and other physical behaviors are developmentally normal, for these reasons:
Little kids test and experiment. Kids learn about the world by trying behaviors and seeing reactions. The problem is that this natural process of testing often conflicts with social rules and ways we want them to behave. It doesn’t mean we should allow kids to hit; it means we need to be right there to guide them to communicate clearly with words, rather than physical acts. For some kids, this can take time, because the developing brain has strong feelings and desires, but not so much self-regulation and impulse control. This makes it easier for kids to become emotionally flooded.
If kids aren’t allowed to express their feelings, those feelings will come out in other ways. Our kids’ emotions need a place to go. This is why we listen, allow them to express themselves, and give them the sense that all feelings are welcome. If we’re solely focused on controlling and punishing, without looking at the feelings and needs underneath, our kids don’t have an emotional outlet. When this happens, those emotions can be externalized (see here), which may take the form of hitting and other physical behaviors. Some kids may internalize their feelings, meaning that the child becomes reticent, withdrawn, anxious, or depressed.
Developmental gaps. Babies and toddlers have very normal but profound gaps in language and motor skills that lead to intense frustration and struggle. First, their receptive language (ability to understand what they hear) is way ahead of their expressive language (ability to speak), which is a huge source of confusion and unhappiness as they struggle to communicate without words. Second, they are able to see what older kids and adults are able to do physically (climb the ladder to the slide, reach the cookies on the counter, run around the park) that they are not able to do. Both of these lead to frustration and struggle, which is part of a natural developmental process. The desire to do an activity you can’t do yet, or say something you can’t quite express, is motivating and it’s a normal, even good, part of learning.
Your child is trying to tell you something. Kids sometimes act in big ways to get our attention. If the parent is distracted, the day is overscheduled, the parents’ relationship is tense, or something similar, kids do things to stop us and get us to engage. For some kids, acting out in these ways is the only way they feel they get their parents’ undivided attention.
Your child is imitating. Little kids can imitate or try out what they see and feel at home or out in the world. If there is yelling, spanking, or hostility at home or school, they are more likely to hit, push, or bite in a difficult moment.
Temperaments are different. Some children are more watchful, thoughtful, and careful. Others have physical impulses closer to the surface and need more time and learning to develop self-control and express what they’re feeling with words.
Teaching a rule or set of behaviors can be long and painstaking. Some kids try something once (or even learn from watching others), file that lesson away, and move on. Others conduct repeated experiments until they’re satisfied with the results and internalize the lesson. It can feel very frustrating to parents to have to repeat themselves over and over, but some kids need many, many patient repetitions of ALP.
Not enough exercise and outdoor time. Amazingly, research shows that only one in three children is physically active each day, and kids spend a daily average of seven and a half hours in front of screens. Little kids need a lot of time for running, unstructured play, and time outside. Some kids benefit from roughhousing (provided both parties agree) and other kinds of physical play.
Not enough sleep. When we do not sleep enough, the first skills we lose are our emotional control, patience, planning, and creative problem solving. Kids who are chronically underslept (even by thirty minutes per night) are more likely to have problems with emotional regulation and impulse control. Babies and little kids need eleven to twelve hours of nighttime sleep. On our website thehappysleeper.com, or in our book The Happy Sleeper, you’ll find detailed recommendations for each age group, including naps and optimal schedules. Healthy sleep is critical to feeling emotionally balanced.
If you look back at the case of Ella hitting her dad over the wrong princess towel, his reaction seems pretty understandable, doesn’t it? She would take swings at him for what seemed like the smallest, silliest reasons. The more he scolded her, the worse her behavior got. It was understandably infuriating.
The first step we worked on with him was to change his tone. He thought he needed to be stern to make her stop hitting, but the opposite was true. Scolding escalates and amplifies the tension and it gets you stuck at the tip of the iceberg, which is where Aaron was with Ella. After meeting with us (and our doing a lot of convincing that a reprimanding tone was counterproductive) he used a kind, calm tone with her when she hit instead. This almost instantly shifted the dynamic in a surprising way. You’ll see in a moment what he did next.
Remember, your job is to be the steady navigator in a storm of emotions. Resist the impulse to yell or punish, and instead see this as a teaching moment when your child is telling you she needs your help.
Here are two more reactions to avoid.
Do not spank or hit your child. There are many reasons not to spank a child, including:
Spanking models the exact behavior you want them to stop.
Spanking creates fear, anger, and shame. This makes kids shut down, so it’s impossible for them to take in all the nuances and details of life that you are trying to teach.
Spanking erodes trust and the sense that you are here to help and guide your kids.
Occasional spanking, in a moment of uncontrolled anger, can be more harmful, because kids feel a high level of shame and believe that they must be very “bad.”
Do not send your child to time-out. It may seem like a logical consequence for hitting, pushing, or biting, but we’re going to teach you a better way. When you send your child to time-out in a scolding, punitive manner, he does not spend this time reflecting on his behavior, developing better coping and communication skills, or crafting better responses for next time. Instead, he is isolated and shamed, and usually ends the time-out period feeling embarrassed, defeated, or resentful. Kids who are given a punishment of time-out for hitting or biting are very likely to repeat the behavior. Time-out shuns and isolates a child who needs understanding, teaching, and redirecting. Instead of a time out, use calm down (here) if needed.
The instinct your young child has to solve his issue physically is absolutely normal. Every time it happens, you have an opportunity to let him know you understand his issue, will consistently hold a limit on his behavior, and will be his helper in learning how to communicate and fulfill his needs in an acceptable way. When you’re responding to physical behaviors, here are the steps to use.
ALP FOR PHYSICAL BEHAVIORS
Safety step. Calmly make sure everyone is safe.
Stop. Wait. Be safe.
Attune. Attend to the person who was hurt first. Say what you see. To the person who hit, acknowledge the feelings or intentions that are beneath the behavior. Calm down if needed. Wait until she’s calm and receptive to problem solve.
You got frustrated, huh?
You hit him and now he’s crying. That looks like it really hurt.
You were trying to tell him something . . .
Limit set. Consistently communicate and hold the limit/rule and show that these behaviors are never okay. Briefly explain why.
We absolutely do not hit, because it hurts other people.
Problem solve. Prompt your child to check in with the friend who is hurt. Help your child fulfill the intention in an acceptable way. Continue to use calm down, if needed. Use natural consequences.
Let’s check in and see if your friend needs an ice pack.
Since you guys have a lot of energy, let’s see if you could do a race to the tree!
You’re showing me you need to change seats for now.
With physical behaviors, it’s important to first ensure everyone’s safety. We want to send our kids a clear message that these behaviors are simply never okay. In the safety step, you physically hold the boundary and prevent the hit, bite, or push from happening, or at least from happening again. Depending on the situation you may:
Put your hand up to block and hold a hitting hand or kicking foot.
Gently move your child away from you or another person.
Walk or move your child to a quiet place.
All of the above would be done while communicating that you need to start by keeping everyone safe in a factual, not scolding, “just gotta do it” tone. Say something like,
Stop, wait, be safe.
Pause. We need to be safe.
I’m going to keep everyone safe.
Your feet are hurting me. I’m going to turn you around.
I see that’s hurting. I’m going to help your hands stop doing that.
Use your actions to show the child how seriously you’re going to take this. If your child is hitting regularly, be ready to respond quickly as much as possible. This means you may have to closely supervise playdates and trail behind your child at the park for a while.
Now that you’ve sent a clear message about stepping in when physical behaviors arise, you can attune. Let your child know you understand how he’s feeling and what is underneath these physical acts. This is your attune “toolbox”; you can use the ones that fit the situation.
It’s the right, natural thing to do to attune first to the person who might be hurt. Attuning to the child who was hurt (whether it’s a sibling or a friend) also helps your child connect the dots between what he did and the pain or reaction it caused. This helps build awareness and empathy, and some kids need more explicit teaching to see this over and over before they understand it. Say something like
I saw his foot kick you, are you okay?
Can I see your leg? That looked like it hurt. Let me help you up.
If someone needs soothing or medical attention, provide this first without worrying about who’s to blame or exactly what happened. When immediate needs are met, you can use your other steps to gather more information and think about the limit-setting and problem-solving steps.
The sportscaster technique. The sportscaster is a great tool to use in conflicts. Rather than taking a side or blaming, just describe what you see. You’re like a radio sportscaster giving the play-by-play:
You hit him and now he’s crying. He looks hurt.
Jack, you look upset. Jane, you swung your arm at his head.
The investigative reporter technique. Often you don’t see, or aren’t really paying attention, to the beginnings of a conflict, so you don’t really know what happened. This can be a good thing, if you use it properly. Even if you think you know exactly what the conflict is about or it’s something that happens a lot, try suspending your assumption.
What happened here? I didn’t see it.
I see you’re crying and you look frustrated. Can someone fill me in?
When kids get the reputation of being a “problem,” it’s easy for adults to feed into a cycle by expecting them to misbehave. As much as possible, avoid a tone of “Oh, here we go again. What did you do now?” This contributes to a story of a child who causes problems, and it can make the child more likely to assume this is his identity and follow along with the story. Instead, stay curious and gather the facts.
One you’ve checked in with the child who’s hurt, attune to your child. Needless to say, exuding empathy and understanding toward your child when he is actively hitting or kicking can seem impossible, not to mention indulgent. But take a breath and keep yourself calm. Remember, you are not going to excuse hitting or let it go, but if your child hurts someone, he’s telling you he needs your help. Use your iceberg analogy and think, What’s under this behavior? What is he trying to accomplish or figure out? In a tone that communicates awareness and curiosity, let him know what you think he’s feeling in this moment and what led to the physical behaviors. For example:
You wanted the ball, I get that.
It’s really hard to get out of the tub when you’re having fun.
I know you don’t want to get into your car seat right now.
Oh, wow, were you trying to say you wanted that toy?
You’re trying to tell your friend something, but you’re using your hands.
This amusement park is overwhelming, I know. I think we’re both feeling like this is too much!
You don’t always have to get it right, but he needs to feel that you’re doing your best to understand and empathize. This step may be only one or, at the most, two sentences.
In the case of Ella hitting her dad in the bath, Aaron had been responding to the tip of the iceberg when she hit him. Within a few minutes of talking, he revealed that Ella had a new baby brother. Since the baby’s birth, Aaron had been doing Ella’s bedtime routine (which mom used to do) and this was usually when the hitting happened. He knew these were all big changes for Ella, but he didn’t know what to do with this information to help her stop hitting. We suggested that, instead of starting by correcting her behavior, he speak first to the beneath-the-surface communication. When she hits you, we said, gently block her hands and in a kind tone of voice, say,
It’s different. I know. Mommy usually gives you a bath, so this must feel a little strange. You’re telling me you don’t like this right now. We’re figuring it out together.
It sounded so indulgent to Aaron when we suggested it. “But she hit me. Don’t I have to teach her that’s wrong?” he reacted. We convinced him that if he addressed the underlying communication, while holding the limit, he would be more effective at teaching. She was telling her dad something in the way her two-year-old brain and body were able to in those moments. It was his job as the parent to try to see what was really going on.
The next week he came back to report that he had tried it. The first night, he said a version of what we had suggested, while gently blocking her hands from hitting. She seemed a little taken aback at his calm, empathic tone. The situation didn’t escalate, and he felt more in control and positive. She still hit him several times over the next few weeks, but with his calm and steady response, the dynamic rapidly changed. Her hitting stopped, and they were able to enjoy the bedtime routine together. Aaron was relieved. He told us that he had been worried he was failing because his daughter hit, and was so annoyed and anxious to make her stop, he couldn’t see what she was trying to tell him. He had to consciously let go of the tip-of-the-iceberg behavior and zero in on what was underneath.
Say the rule and give a brief reason. Use a matter-of-fact, “well, this is just the way it is” tone.
We don’t hit, because it hurts other people.
It’s absolutely not okay to hurt another person.
Biting (pushing, kicking, pinching, etc.) is not okay. It hurts people.
I’m going to stop you every time until you learn to stop yourself.
Remember that kids with challenging temperaments need us to state limits firmly, with a confident voice. This doesn’t mean yelling, it means having a loud enough voice to be heard, and a serious enough tone to get through. Your child needs to know that you mean it and that you will stop him every single time until he is able to stop himself.
The problem-solving step with physical behaviors will be to check in, to practice conflict resolution, and to think of creative and helpful ways to solve the problem or address the child’s needs.
It’s normal to want to ask your child to say sorry, but saying sorry can become rote and meaningless. It doesn’t give the child a way to help, see what the other person needs, or keep the conversation going. It’s even more helpful for your child to say to the injured person,
Are you okay?
Can I help?
Do you need some ice?
Rather than imposing a “say sorry” rule, ask the child who hit to “check in” with the person he hurt and see if he can do anything to help. Say something like,
Check in with Aiden.
Let’s check in with Aiden and see if he needs anything.
How can you let Aiden know that you didn’t mean to hurt him?
How can we help Aiden feel better?
Come with me. Can you bring this ice pack back to Aiden?
This is your way of scaffolding (here) so that kids can practice conflict resolution.
If your child won’t say anything or check in with the other person, don’t focus too heavily on it. You check in for him, ask how the other person is, and attend to that person’s needs. Each time it happens, continue to prompt your child to check in, and assume he will do it. Eventually he will. Don’t give up. Checking in is not a punishment. If you need to model it for your child dozens of times before he picks up on it and starts to do it himself, that’s okay.
Wonder aloud about other ways your child could accomplish what she was trying to do when she hit. For example,
You didn’t want to get into your car seat. Let me find you something fun to hold and you can help get your arms in, while I quickly buckle you.
It’s hard when I am making dinner and can’t pick you up. How about if I put you in the carrier on my back so you can watch and we can sing songs?
I saw her grab the toy from you. What could you say instead of hitting—“I’m working with that.”
Let’s see, you were trying to get a turn on the tire swing. How could you let them know with your words that you want to swing next?
You were trying to get into the game. What could you say—“Hey, I want to play too”?
You were angry. What could you do if you’re angry instead of hitting? Could you say in loud, clear words, “This is making me mad! Listen to my words!”
What triggers from the list here seem like they contribute to the physical behaviors? When you used your iceberg analogy in the attune step, you uncovered the root cause, and this can lead you to relevant solutions.
Let’s do a fast dance and get our big feelings out.
Let’s go home, put our pj’s on, and make dinner.
You know what, I really need a snack. Let’s sit in the shade and eat something.
I’m going to sit and play with you two. Seems like you need a little help. What are we playing here, cars?
Hand your baby a toy or teether that she can bite.
Turn your baby’s body around so she can’t bite you and give her a deep hug.
Have a sock-throwing party, where you ball up socks and throw them around the room.
Hug a stuffed animal.
Work with Play-Doh.
Sing how you’re feeling loudly.
Take your child to calm down (see here).
If your child has been hitting or biting people inside or outside the family, make this part of the family meeting agenda. In the meeting you could brainstorm other ways to tell people what you want, what to do if you’re upset, breathing techniques, solutions from your iceberg analogy, and more.
Let’s talk about our bedtime routine and what time we all go to bed. I realize all of us need to fill up on sleep a little more.
I noticed on the calendar we have a lot going on this week. Let’s make sure we have one afternoon of free time and no plan. A day when we get to do whatever comes up.
In some cases, the logical, safe step is to leave a playdate or the park, or take away a toy that is being used unsafely. This is not a punishment, it’s a natural consequence of a child being unsafe. Often kids who are hitting do need to take a break, eat a snack, or change the scene. In a neutral tone, say something like,
You’re showing me that you need a break from the park. We’re going home and we’ll try again tomorrow.
I’m taking the broom now, because you’re not being safe with it.
ALP is multidirectional. It works from parent to child, parent to parent, and even parent to him- or herself. So later on, in a quiet moment, give yourself a chance to reflect with kindness toward yourself. This will help you be ready for the next time you encounter a difficult moment. If you accept and understand all of your feelings, you’ll be capable of doing the same for your child.
Attuning. When your child hits, bites, or acts out, what thoughts and feelings do you have? Scared that your child is being aggressive? Worried it means you’re not an effective parent? Embarrassed about what others will think? Angry because it reminds you of someone or something else? These are all very normal and natural feelings and thoughts to have. If you’re aware of them, you will have more freedom to choose what you do next. See more ideas for how to be curious about your own reactions here.
Limit setting or stating the reality. Remind yourself of the realities. Acting out physically means your little one needs help soothing, calming down, or learning how to express himself in a nonphysical way. He is not intentionally being bad. He needs you to be on his side and consistently teach and guide him. You are the calm in the storm.
Problem solving. Choose and plan out what to do. Get ready to follow the simple steps outlined in this chapter. Every time you remember to approach these moments with empathy and consistency, you will be shifting the pattern of your response in a chosen, mindful way as opposed to a reactive, knee-jerk one. It’s also fine if you forget sometimes. Go back, repair, and have a “do-over.”
SCENARIO: Your baby pulls the dog’s hair.
Note: Babies learn about the world by touching and experimenting, and they lack modulation in their actions, so pulling hair and even biting aren’t necessarily aggressive acts. Your job in these scenarios is to teach your baby (with many patient repetitions) a different way to explore.
SCENARIO: Your baby bites your arm.
(Or)
Note: Babies usually aren’t biting out of aggression but because they’re teething or because they’re craving pressure or physical proximity to us.
SCENARIO: Your baby hits you because you won’t give her your keys.
SCENARIO: Your toddler hits a friend who has just taken a toy out of his hand. The child is hurt and starts to cry.
SCENARIO: Two siblings, a toddler and a child, are playing a card game. The older one starts yelling, “That’s not fair, you’re breaking the rules!” He takes the cards away and the toddler bites his arm.
SCENARIO: Two kids run to the slide at the same time. They both try to push their way to the front and end up pushing each other, hard.
SCENARIO: Your child’s team lost a soccer game. You see your daughter kick a girl from the winning team.
SCENARIO: An eight-year-old boy is angry and out of control when his video game playing time is up. He throws a glass, which hits the wall and breaks.
Two siblings, a child and a toddler, are playing. The child is provoking the toddler, and she gets frustrated and pinches him very hard. In this conversation, the dad uses the sportscaster and looks under the tip of the iceberg, rather than punishing.
Ouch! She just pinched me!
Let me see. Are you okay? (He rubs the child’s arm.) I saw you two playing and then you yelled. What happened?
He was laughing at me and it was mean! (Starts to cry and is clearly upset by the whole interaction. The dad can see the toddler is feeling overwhelmed.)
Come here, sit on my lap for a second. Can I give you a hug? (The toddler collapses in her dad’s lap. To the child, while still touching him too, the dad continues.) Can you also tell me what happened?
I was just joking and then she pinched me.
You thought what you were saying was funny, but it looks like she had a different reaction to it. Anything I missed? (Pause) Is your arm okay? (He addresses the toddler.) Pinching hurts—that’s not okay to do. In our family we tell each other in clear voices what we want or feel. What could you say instead, if you don’t like what he’s saying, maybe,”Stop laughing at me right now. I do not like that.” Would that work? Let’s do one of those dragon breaths we all practiced together at our family meeting. Ready . . .