FOREWORD
one book stands out: Michael Pollan, Food Rules: An Eater’s Manual (New York: Penguin, 2011).
RULE #1: ESTABLISH YOUR IDEAL LOVE WEIGHT.
“looking-glass self” was first coined: Charles Horton Cooley, “The Looking-Glass Self,” in Social Theory: The Multicultural, Global, and Classic Readings, ed. C. Lemert (Philadelphia, PA: Westview Press), 189.
“investing in trying to understand our ‘self’”: Mary Aiken, The Cyber Effect: A Pioneering Cyberpsychologist Explains How Human Behavior Changes Online (New York: Speigel and Grau, 2016).
RULE #2: CLEAR OUT YOUR CUPBOARDS AND SWEEP THE FRIDGE.
“It’s so hard for women to admit that they want this”: Helen Fisher, Anatomy of Love: A Natural History of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray (New York: W. W. Norton, 2016).
College undergraduate intake: US Department of Education, National Center for Education Statistics, The Condition of Education 2017 (NCES 2017–144), Table 303.10, https://nces.ed.gov/programs/digest/d13/tables/dt13_303.10.asp.
RULE #3: BEGIN A DATING DETOX TO RESET YOUR METABOLISM.
Leah Fessler, who based her senior thesis: Leah Fessler, “A Lot of Women Don’t Enjoy Hookup Culture—So Why Do We Force Ourselves to Participate?” Quartz, May 17, 2016, https://qz.com/685852/hookup-culture/.
RULE #4: THE TREADMILL WON’T RUN ON ITS OWN. CLIMB ON AND PRESS START.
Esther Perel—the brilliant couples therapist: Esther Perel, The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity (New York: HarperCollins, 2017).
number of people ages eighteen to twenty-four who use them: Aaron Smith and Monica Anderson, “5 Facts About Online Dating,” Pew Research Center, February 2017, http://www.pewresearch.org/fact-tank/2016/02/29/5-facts-about-online-dating/.
has nearly tripled from 10 percent: Ibid.
“In cyberpsychology, we refer to Walther’s Theory”: Joseph P. Walther, “Computer-Mediated Communication: Impersonal, Interpersonal, and Hyperpersonal Interaction,” Communication Research 23, no. 1 (1996).
what Aiken calls the “stranger on the train syndrome”: Sabina Misoch, “Stranger on the Internet: Online Self-Disclosure and the Role of Visual Anonymity,” Computers in Human Behavior 48 (2015): 535–41.
Online, Aiken says, that level of self-disclosure doubles: Chris Fullwood, Mike Thelwall, and Sam O’Neill, “Clandestine Chatters: Self-Disclosure in U.K. Chat Room profiles,” First Monday 6, no. 5 (May 2011), https://firstmonday.org/ojs/index.php/fm/article/view/3231/2954.
the sixfold increase in sexual assault: National Crime Agency, Emerging New Threat in Online Dating: Initial Trends in Internet Dating Initiated Serious Sexual Assaults, February 2017, http://www.nationalcrimeagency.gov.uk/publications/670-emerging-new-threat-in-online-dating-initial-trends-in-internet-dating-initiated-serious-sexual-assaults/file.
71 percent of those reported assaults: Ibid.
one half of all sexual assaults involve alcohol: Antonia Abbey, Tina Zawacki, Philip O. Buck, A. Monique Clinton, and Pam McAuslan, “Alcohol and Sexual Assault,” National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, https://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/arh25-1/43-51.htm.
Tinder and Match are among the top ten: Ben Gray, “The Best Dating Apps to Get Before Valentine’s Day,” ARC Report, February 2016, https://arc.applause.com/2016/02/10/best-and-worst-dating-apps-for-2016/.
Clearly women agree: Whitney Wolfe, “Bumble Celebrates First Movers for International Women’s Day,” The Beehive (blog), Bumble. com, March 7, 2017, http://blog.bumble.com/bumbleblog/internation al-womens-day2017.
RULE #5: CHOOSE THE RIGHT RECIPES FOR YOUR DATING TYPE.
15 percent of American adults have dated online: Aaron Smith, “15% of American Adults Have Used Online Dating Sites or Mobile Dating Apps,” Pew Research Center, February 11, 2016, http://www.pewinternet.org/2016/02/11/15-percent-of-american-adults-have-used-online-dating-sites-or-mobile-dating-apps/.
New Super Power for Women: Steve Kardian, The New Super Power for Women: Trust Your Intuition, Predict Dangerous Situations, and Defend Yourself from the Unthinkable (New York: Touchstone, 2017).
One in twenty-five people: Amanda Lenhart, Michelle Ybarra, and Myeshia Price-Feeney, “Nonconsensual Image Sharing: One in 25 Americans Has Been a Victim of ‘Revenge Porn,’” Data & Society Research Institute, December 13, 2016, https://datasociety.net/pubs/oh/Nonconsensual_Image_Sharing_2016.pdf.
16 percent told McAfee: “Love, Relationships and Technology,” McAfee, February 4, 2014, https://promos.mcafee.com/offer.aspx?id=605366.
“changes the risk profiles”: Justin Garcia, Amanda N. Gesselman, Shadia A. Siliman, Brea L. Perry, Kathryn Coe, and Helen E. Fisher, “Sexting Among Singles in the USA: Prevalence of Sending, Receiving, and Sharing Sexual Messages and Images,” Sexual Health 13, no. 5 (July 2016): 428–35. http://archive.news.indiana.edu/releases/iu/2016/08/sex ting-research.shtml.
RULE #6: YOU WON’T GET SKINNY BY EATING THE SAME OLD SH*T.
42 percent of people ages twenty-five to twenty-nine: D’Vera Cohn, Jeffrey S. Passel, Wendy Wang, and Gretchen Livingston, “Barely Half of US Adults Are Married—A Record Low: New Marriages Down 5% from 2009 to 2010,” Pew Research Center, December 14, 2011, http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2011/12/14/barely-half-of-u-s-adults-are-married-a-record-low/.
examines the rise in the number of financially independent and single women: Rebecca Traister, All the Single Ladies: Unmarried Women and the Rise of an Independent Nation (New York: Simon & Schuster, 2016).
the annual “Singles in America” study: Helen Fisher and Justin R. Garcia, “Singles in America: 2017,” Match.com, http://www.singlesinamerica.com/2017/.
RULE #7: STOP WITH THE COMFORT FOODS. IT’S OKAY TO BE A LITTLE HUNGRY.
it unleashes all the feels: A. Argiolas and M. R. Melis, “Dopamine and Sexual Behavior,” Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews 19, no. 1 (Spring 1995): 19–38, https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/7770195.
“Dunbar’s number dictates”: R. I. M. Dunbar, “Coevolution of Neocortical Size, Group Size and Language in Humans,” Behavioral and Brain Sciences 16 (1993): 681–735.
RULE #8: ALCOHOL IS NOT A FOOD GROUP. RESPECT YOUR LIMITS.
Answer: Alcohol: “Drugs/Narcotics and Alcohol Involvement,” Federal Bureau of Investigation, National Incident-Based Reporting System, Uniform Crime Reporting, https://ucr.fbi.gov/nibrs/2012/table-pdfs/drugs-narcotics-and-alcohol-involvement-by-offense-category-2012.
one half of all reported sexual assaults: Antonia Abbey, Tina Zawacki, Philip O. Buck, A. Monique Clinton, and Pam McAuslan, “Alcohol and Sexual Assault,” National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism.
a more active stomach enzyme: Harold Franzen, “Enzyme Lack Lowers Women’s Alcohol Tolerance,” Scientific American, April 16, 2001.
defines binge drinking for women: National Institute of Health, Alcohol Facts and Statistics on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/alcohol-health/overview-alcohol-consumption/moderate-binge-drinking.
in over her head using alcohol to help find love: Sarah Hepola, Blackout: Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget (New York: Grand Central Publishing, 2015).
NIAAA reported that of the 60 percent of all college students who drank alcohol: National Institute of Health, Alcohol Facts and Statistics on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, http://www.healthdata.org/news-release/heavy-drinking-and-binge-drinking-rise-sharply-us-counties, https://www.collegedrinkingprevention.gov/media/college drinkingFactSheet.pdf.
only risen 4.9 percent among men…[and] 17.5 percent among women: Laura Dwyer-Lindgren, Abraham D. Flaxman, Marie Ng, Gillian M. Hansen, Christopher J. L. Murray, and Ali H. Mokdad, “Drinking Patterns in US Counties from 2002 to 2012,” American Journal of Public Health 105, no. 6 (June 2015): 1120–1127, May 13, 2015, http://ajph.aphapublications.org/doi/abs/10.2105/AJPH.2014.302313.
white women ages thirty-five to fifty-four: Kimberly Kindy and Dan Keating, “For Women, Heavy Drinking Has Been Normalized. That’s Dangerous,” Washington Post, December 23, 2016, https://www.washingtonpost.com/national/for-women-heavy-drinking-has-been-normalized-thats-dangerous/2016/12/23/0e701120-c381-11e6-9578-0054287507db_story.html?utm_term=.08b3f8809528.
women felt more attractive while buzzed: Megan E. Patrick and Jennifer L. Maggs, “Does Drinking Lead to Sex? Daily Alcohol-Sex Behaviors and Expectancies Among College Students,” Psychology of Addictive Behaviors 23, no. 3 (September 2009): 472–81.
82 percent of college students who had unwanted sex: Aaron White and Ralph Hingson, “The Burden of Alcohol Use: Excessive Alcohol Consumption and Related Consequences Among College Students,” Alcohol Research: Current Reviews 35, no. 2, https://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/arcr352/201-218.htm.
47 percent of college-aged women who were raped: “Alcohol Facilitated Sexual Assault,” Virginia State University, 1995, http://www.vsu.edu/counseling/substance-abuse/alcohol-and-sexual-assault.php.
the rules around advertising alcohol: “Code of Responsible Practices for Beverage Advertising and Marketing,” Distilled Spirits Council, http://www.discus.org/assets/1/7/May_26_2011_DISCUS_Code_Word_Version1.pdf.
“Eighty-five percent of all drinkers”: “Underage Drinking,” National Institute of Health and Human Services, October 2010, https://report.nih.gov/NIHfactsheets/ViewFactSheet.aspx?csid=21.
Between 2005 and 2012: “Binge drinking,” Alcohol and Public Health, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 2017, https://www.cdc.gov/alcohol/fact-sheets/binge-drinking.htm.
“substance abuse in girls than boys”: Ramesh Shivani, R. Jeffrey Goldsmith, and Robert M. Anthenelli, “Alcoholism and Psychiatric Disorders,” National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, https://pubs.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/arh26-2/90-98.htm.
sentenced to nine years in prison: John Futty, “Woman Who Livestreamed Girl’s Rape Sentenced to Nine Months,” Columbus Dispatch, February 13, 2017, http://www.dispatch.com/news/20170213/woman-who-live-streamed-girls-rape-sentenced-to-nine-months.
her friend: “Statistics About Sexual Violence,” National Sexual Violence Resource Center, http://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/pub lications_nsvrc_factsheet_media-packet_statistics-about-sexual-vio lence_0pdf.
RULE #9: HOOKUPS ARE LIKE FRENCH FRIES.
millennials are more than twice as likely: Jean Twenge, Ryne A. Sherman, and Brooke E. Wells, “Sexual Inactivity During Young Adulthood Is More Common Among US Millennials and iGen: Age, Period, and Cohort Effects on Having No Sexual Partners After Age 18,” Archives of Sexual Behavior 46, no. 2 (February 2017): 433–40.
“a host of powerful feelings”: Navneet Magon and Sanjay Kalra, “The Orgasmic History of Oxytocin: Love, Lust, and Labor,” Indian Journal of Endocrinology and Metabolism 15, suppl. 3 (September 2011): S156–S161, doi: 10.4103/2230-8210.84851.
“they really want a relationship as well”: Justin R. Garcia, Chris Reiber, Sean Massey, and Ann Merriwether, “Sexual Hookup Culture: A Review,” Review of General Psychology 16, no. 2 (2012): 161–76, https://www.apa.org/monitor/2013/02/sexual-hookup-culture.pdf.
“You’re invoking all senses”: Ian Kerner, She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (New York: HarperCollins, 2010).
That number grew to 16 percent: Elizabeth Armstrong, Paula England, and Alison C. K. Fogarty, “Accounting for Women’s Orgasm and Sexual Enjoyment in College Hookups and Relationships,” American Sociological Review 77, no. 3 (June 1, 2012): 435–62, https://doi.org/10.1177/0003122412445802.
forthcoming book on female infidelity: Wednesday Martin, PhD, Untrue: Why Nearly Everything We Believe About Women, Lust, and Infidelity Is Wrong and How the New Science Can Set Us Free (New York: Little Brown, 2018).
A 2014 study: Samantha J. Dawson and Meredith L. Chivers, “Gender Differences and Similarities in Sexual Desire,” Current Sexual Health Reports 6, no. 4 (December 2014): 211–19, https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11930-014-0027-5.
RULE #10: PORN IS LIKE CHEWING GUM—ALL ARTIFICIAL FLAVOR.
“Porn is to sex”: Gail Dines, Pornland: How Porn Has Hijacked Our Sexuality (Boston: Beacon Press, 2010).
2.6 million visitors per hour: “Pornhub’s 2016 Year in Review,” Pornhub Insights, January 4, 2017, https://www.pornhub.com/insights/2016-year-in-review.
referred to as the Kinsey Report of our time: Maureen O’Connor, “Pornhub is the Kinsey Report of our Time,” New York, June 11, 2017, https://www.thecut.com/2017/06/pornhub-and-the-american-sexual-imagination.html.
age data starts at eighteen: “Pornhub’s 2016 Year in Review.”
regularly visit porn sites: Ibid.
porn consumption lowered commitment: Nathaniel M. Lamert, Sesen Negash, Tyler F. Stillman, Spencer B. Olmstead, and Frank D. Fincham, “A Love That Doesn’t Last: Pornography Consumption and Weakened Commitment to One’s Romantic Partner,” Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology 31, no. 4 (2012): 410–38.
porn-free relationships are stronger: Peg Streep, “What Porn Does to Intimacy: 3 Studies Find That Explicit Material Can Do More Harm Than Most People Think,” Psychology Today, July 16, 2014, https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/tech-support/201407/what-porn-does-intimacy?page=1.
started her website MakeLoveNotPorn: www.makelovenotporn.com.
Other terms trending: “Pornhub’s 2016 Year in Review.”
RULE #11: STICK TO NATURAL SUGARS. SUBSTITUTES ARE BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH.
One in three women in the US has been physically abused: “National Statistics,” National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, http://ncadv.org/learn-more/statistics.
half the time by a man she knows: Ibid.
“lacks empathy”: narcissistic personality disorder as defined in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, “DSM-IV and DSM-5 Criteria for the Personality Disorders,” American Psychiatric Association, 2012, http://www.psi.uba.ar/academica/carrerasdegrado/psicologia/sitios_catedras/practicas_profesionales/820_clinica_tr_personalidad_psicosis/material/dsm.pdf.
narcissistic personality disorder affects men more greatly: Emily Grijalva, Daniel Newman, et al., “Gender Differences in Narcissism—A Meta-Analytic Review,” Psychological Bulletin 141, no. 2 (March 2015): 261–310, doi: 10.1037/a0038231.
argues that social media exacerbates: Jean M. Twenge, Generation Me: Why Today’s Young Americans Are More Confident, Assertive, Entitled—and More Miserable Than Ever Before (New York: Free Press, 2006).
RULE #12: TRUST YOUR GUT AND PROTECT YOURSELF WITH PROBIOTICS.
“positive emotions, positive social connections”: Bethany Kok, Kimberly Coffey, Michael Cohn, et al., “How Positive Emotions Build Physical Health,” Psychological Science 24, no. 7 (July 1, 2013): 1123–32, https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797612470827.
witnessing acts of kindness produces oxytocin: Jill Suttie, “How Our Bodies React to Seeing Goodness,” Greater Good Magazine, University of California, Berkeley, May 12, 2015, https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_our_bodies_react_human_goodness.
known as the “helper’s high”: “Giving of Your Gifts,” Emory Faculty Staff Assistance Program, http://www.fsap.emory.edu/workplace-resources/wellnessmatters/giving-your-gifts.html.
RULE #13: SET YOUR OWN “BEST BEFORE” DATE.
peak fertility is around age twenty-six: Sarah Graham, “Study Shows Fertility Decline Begins in Late 20s,” Scientific American, May 1, 2002, https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/study-shows-fertility-dec/.
Cameron Diaz announced: Tom Chiarella, “Cameron Diaz Is the Best She’s Ever Been,” Esquire, August 2014, http://www.esquire.com/entertainment/interviews/a32839/cameron-diaz-story-0814/.
reasons she decided not to have children: Sezín Koehler, “8 Reasons Why I Am Not Having Children,” HuffPost, September 15, 2014, http://www.huffingtonpost.com/sezin-koehler/8-reasons-why-im-not-having-children-childfree_b_5705311.html.
Polly Vernon, an editor at the Guardian: Polly Vernon, “Why I Don’t Want Children,” Guardian, February 7, 2009, https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2009/feb/08/motherhood-children-babies1.
Tanya Selvaratnam’s book: Tanya Selvaratnam, The Big Lie: Motherhood, Feminism, and the Reality of the Biological Clock (Amherst, NY: Prometheus Books, 2014).
40 percent of women earning over $50,000: Sylvia Ann Hewlett, Creating A Life: Professional Women and the Quest for Children (New York: Miramax, 2002).
By forty, that decreases: American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, Committee Opinion, no. 589, March 2014, https://www.acog.org/Resources-And-Publications/Committee-Opinions/Committee-on-Gynecologic-Practice/Female-Age-Related-Fertility-Decline.
in vitro gametogenesis, the latest development in the infertility field: Tamar Lewin, “Babies from Skin Cells? Prospect Is Unsettling to Some Experts,” New York Times, May 16, 2017, https://www.nytimes.com/2017/05/16/health/ivg-reproductive-technology.html?_r=0.
Just under 40 percent of IVF cycles: “Success Rates,” Society for Assisted Reproductive Technology, http://www.sart.org/SART_Success_Rates/.
Only 40 percent of all IVF rounds: Ellie Kincaid, “The Success Rates from IVF Are Nowhere Near What People Think,” Business Insider, Australia, May 29, 2015, https://www.businessinsider.com.au/in-vitro-fertilization-ivf-success-rates-2015-5.
70 percent of all women who sought some form of assisted reproductive technology: “FAQ: What is the cost of IVF?” Society for Assisted Reproductive Technology, http://www.sart.org/patients/frequently-asked-questions/.
Alternative Parenting has pioneered: Alternative Parenting Center, http://www.alp.org.il/page/142.html.
interviewed more than one hundred women: Elizabeth Gregory, Ready: Why Women Are Embracing the New Later Motherhood (New York: Basic Books, 2007).
including a basal antral follicle count: See for example http://www.rmact.com/getting-started/fertility-testing/basal-antral-follicle-count.
hysterosalpingogram, which is an X-ray: “Hysterosalpingogram,” WebMD, http://www.webmd.com/women/hysterosalpingogram-21590#1.
including hyperstimulation syndrome: “Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome,” Mayo Clinic, http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/ovarian-hyperstimulation-syndrome-ohss/home/ovc-20263580.
RULE #15: L IFE IS A FEAST. TAKE YOUR PLACE AT THE TABLE.
Helen Fisher’s idea of “slow love”: Helen Fisher, “Casual Sex May Be Improving America’s Marriages: One-Night Stands and Friends with Benefits Are Just What Your Brain Ordered,” Nautilus, March 5, 2015, http://nautil.us/issue/22/slow/casual-sex-is-improving-americas-marriages.
40 to 50 percent of US marriages end in divorce: “Marriage and Divorce,” American Psychological Association website, http://www.apa.org/topics/divorce/.
marriage rates have declined in the US: Pew Research Center, http://www.pewsocialtrends.org/2014/09/24/record-share-of-americans-have-never-married/.
one person they will spend the rest of their life with: “Singles in America,” Match.com, https://www.multivu.com/players/English/8024551-match-7th-annual-singles-in-america-study/.
Hewlett calls it “flourishing”: Sylvia Ann Hewlett, “Women Want Five Things,” Center for Talent Innovation, December 9, 2014, http://www.talentinnovation.org/publication.cfm?publication=1451.
that control group has grown: Harvard Second Generation Study, http://www.adultdevelopmentstudy.org.
those men in “low-conflict relationships”: Liz Mineo, “Good Genes Are Nice, But Joy Is Better,” Harvard Gazette, April 11, 2017, http://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2017/04/over-nearly-80-years-harvard-study-has-been-showing-how-to-live-a-healthy-and-happy-life/.
“living in the midst of good, warm relationships”: Ibid.
“There was really only one thing”: Ian McEwan, “Only Love and Then Oblivion. Love Was All They Had to Set Against Their Murderers,” Guardian, September 15, 2001, https://www.theguardian.com/world/2001/sep/15/september11.politicsphilosophyandsociety2.