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RAID, PILLAGE, & PLUNDER (YOUR FRIDGE)
Huh? There was a news report of some guy whacked out on bath salts eating some other dude’s face off in the street today? Hurmmmm, there was a piece in the paper about a lady being mauled to death by an unidentified wild animal in a nearby park? Welcome to the zpoc!
Society is going to the undead dogs, and you are tasked with making it through this hellmare alive (and I don’t mean re-alive). Either it is too late to bug out, you have decided you have a better chance at surviving by holing up, or, perhaps, you just refuse to give up your turf to those bloody monsters out there. Being the levelheaded and culinary-minded survivor you are, your first thoughts drift to menu planning—at this stage of the game, power will be going out anytime now . . . But, if you are bugging in, the undead won’t be the only ones trying to get in at you: malevolent raiders and frantic stragglers will undoubtedly be trying to break in as well.
So, dear survivor, turn your precious energy and attentions to fortifying your home (think an arsenal of brain-bashing weapons, Molotov cocktails, trip wires, nails protruding from the welcome mat, and boarding up those windows with any damn wood you can find), and let this helpful section provide the game plan for the food.
The recipes here are quick, simple, calorie rich, and, perhaps most importantly, comforting. Yes, that’s right, they’re the zpoc equivalent of the post-financial-crisis comfort food trend. So get ready for warm, indulgent, and satisfying meals that can be fixed in a jiffy and/or need minimal attendance. These recipes are geared to the first days of the outbreak—when the power is either still running or has just gone out—and so, will focus on perishable ingredients that most people would have on hand in their refrigerators and freezers.
OVERNIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD FRENCH TOAST
Welcome to the zombie apocalypse! Tomorrow is a big day: you will be losing your head (hopefully not literally) trying to fend off the newly infected. On top of that, those pesky little weak spots in your fortress will surely present themselves, leaving you overwhelmed with survival and physical defense–focused activities.
Before you go to sleep tonight (if it even seems safe to do so), why not plan ahead for breakfast? Not only will it help use up some of your perishables (milk, eggs, butter, bread), it will also give you a calorie-rich jumpstart to your undeadfilled day.
If the power has already gone out, reduce the amount of time you soak the bread to a couple of hours and use an Oven Hack (page 44) to cook this bad boy.
YIELDS:
4 Hungry Survivor servings, 6 Regular Joe servings
REQUIRES:
Chef’s or survival knife and cutting board
1 bread knife
1 small mixing bowl
1 mixing spoon
1 fireproof baking dish (preferably 7″ × 11″)
1 large bowl
1 whisk (or fork)
Piece of foil, to cover baking dish
HEAT SOURCE:
Indirect, conventional oven or other Oven Hack (page 44)
TIME:
10 minutes prep
4–8 hours inactive soaking time
35 minutes unattended cooking time
INGREDIENTS:
¼ c. (4 tbsp.) butter, melted
½ c. brown sugar
12 oz. bread (challah, raisin, French baguette, Wonder—whatever you got, preferably a mix of several different kinds), sliced into strips 2–3 fingers wide
½ c. dried cranberries or raisins
6 eggs
2 tbsp. granulated sugar
1½ c. milk, cream, or combination
1 tbsp. vanilla extract
1 tsp. ground cinnamon
½ tsp. ground nutmeg
½ tsp. ground ginger
Pinch of salt
3 tbsp. rum, orange liqueur, or brandy (optional)
1 c. nuts (walnuts, pecans, or almonds), roughly chopped and preferably toasted (optional)
Maple syrup, to taste
METHOD:
Mix together the melted butter and brown sugar in a small mixing bowl. Spread the mixture along the bottom of the baking dish.
Put down a layer of bread fingers, overlapping and filling gaps where needed. Sprinkle with dried fruit. Repeat with remaining bread and fruit.
In a large mixing bowl, whisk eggs and granulated sugar together until the sugar has dissolved, about 1 minute. Add the milk/cream, vanilla, cinnamon, nutmeg, ginger, salt, and liquor/liqueur (if using). Whisk until incorporated, creating a custard.
Pour the custard over the bread and dried fruit, sweeping back and forth to moisten the whole top layer, filling any nooks and crannies. Cover with foil and let sit for 2 hours (no refrigeration) or at least 4 hours to overnight (in the fridge).
Preheat oven (for perhaps the last time!) to 375°F or set up an Oven Hack (see Judging Temperature, page 47).
Remove foil from the baking dish and sprinkle with the toasted nuts (if using). Drizzle lightly with maple syrup.
Bake uncovered for 30 minutes, then cover and bake for another 15 minutes to avoid overbrowning. Check after 20 minutes or so—cooking time will vary widely depending on your setup.
The French toast is ready when the custard at the center feels set (i.e., not jiggly, squishy, or raw). Let stand for 5–10 minutes, then drizzle liberally with more maple syrup before tucking in.
DRIED FRUIT SUBSTITUTION: Nearly any dried fruit can be used in place of cranberries or raisins in this recipe; cherries or apples work well as direct substitutions. If using other dried fruits (say, apricots or anything tropical), I would also adapt the spices accordingly, swapping cinnamon and nutmeg for lemon zest or lemon oil extract, for example.
Though he is the grandfather of the modern zombie movement, George Romero is not (contrary to popular belief) responsible for the braaaaaiiiiinnnns predilection that most people associate with today’s undead. The origins of the zombie brain fetish can actually be traced back to the black comedy Return of the Living Dead (1985), a movie originally written by John A. Russo, Romero’s partner on Night of the Living Dead (1968), and later completely overhauled by writer/director Dan O’Bannon to purposefully depart from Romero’s canon—by including the brain fixation. Another fun fact: Return also features the original fast zombies.
Guerrilla Gardening
Before whipping up the last fresh salad you will be eating for a while, take note: those butt ends of romaine that you normally chop off and toss? You can totally reanimate those suckers for some zombie fresh fare. They can be regrown for a fresh crop of lettuce in a mere couple of weeks, so don’t throw those crunchy hunks of gold away (or at a zombie). Same goes for bok choy, celery, and scallions! One man’s garbage is another man’s garden.
And guess what? All you need to grow garlic or potatoes? A clove of garlic. An intact potato. These two will take more time to mature, though, so it would be prudent to start growing your own food pronto.
Find additional tips and tricks for growing these scraps and more in Container Growing (page 145).
ROMAINE, BOK CHOY, CELERY
Put the root ends of these vegetables in a shallow dish with about ½–1 inch of water and place the dish in a sunny window. Replenish the water as needed. After about a week or two, you should have romaine leaves big enough to munch. The hearts of celery and bok choy will take about a week to sprout dark green leaves, at which point you can plant them (and your romaine too, while you’re at it!) in zpoc potting mix (see Initial Outbreak Agriculture: Growing Incognito, page 135), leaving the leaves exposed. After a few weeks, you will have a plant worth cutting down and starting again.
SCALLIONS
Like romaine, bok choy, and celery, you can put the root end of scallions into water to induce regrowth—just use a taller container like a glass or jug to support their quick vertical growth and fill with 1–2 inches of water. Within a week you should have full stalks of scal-lions that are ready to eat. At this point you can also plant them in a potting mix, which will give them a more pleasant home and allow them to be continuously harvested—when the scallion greens have regrown to about 6 inches, cut them down to the earth and they will begin their regrowth.
POTATOES
Potatoes are a very valuable high-calorie, high-carb crop, so if you can grow them, you surely should. The plants can grow quite tall and will do best outside in warm, sunny weather, but you can grow them in a warm and sunny window as well, housed in a nice large container like a burlap sack, (thoroughly clean) plastic garbage bin, or large pot.
Cut ⅓ of the potato off and place three toothpicks ¾ of the way down from the cut so the potato can be suspended from a glass or mason jar with the cut side immersed in water. After 2–3 weeks in a sunny window, the potato should have leafy sprouts (called slip vines) coming out of the top and white roots growing into the water. When the leafy sprouts are about 5 inches high, gently twist them off—there should be a hole in the potato where the sprout used to be and a nice base left on the sprout itself. Now put these sprouts into loose potting soil in a large container or burlap coffee bag (perhaps the one you bought your green coffee beans in; see Cooking in the Well-Stocked Safe House, page 203), leaving the leaves exposed. It takes several months to grow mature potatoes, though you could always harvest them when they are babies (signaled when the plant flowers).
GARLIC
Those tiny little annoying cloves of garlic that you always resent peeling can actually be put to good use: in growing some fresh garlic! Each clove will produce its own plant and ultimately its own bulb (aka head). There are two general types of garlic, hard-and softneck. Hardneck garlic does better in cooler climates of the north, while soft-neck does better in the south. Depending on where the garlic you bought came from, it might be either of these varieties, but if you have a nice sunny window, both can be grown in potting mix indoors.
Select cloves whose skin is still entirely intact. You can plant 8–10 cloves in a 5-gallon bucket or container; just be sure to space them 4–6 inches apart. For each clove, make a hole about 1–2 inches deep and drop it in. Cover the hole with potting mix, water well, and keep moist until you see green leaves sprouting from the earth. Once the leaves have peeked out, water only when the soil is dry. Eventually you will see a tender green shoot (a scape) sprout out. You can harvest scapes when they are about 4–6 inches long and eat them—they are crunchy, garlicky, and delicious. The bulbs will take 7–8 months to mature, and you will know they are ready when the bottom leaves have browned and withered; the upper leaves will still be green. Avoid too much handling or cleaning, as the bulbs are sensitive to damage, and any bruising or cuts will shorten the life of the head. Lay harvested bulbs out to dry further in a single layer, until the skins are papery.
GUERRILLA SCALLION PANCAKES
Flour + hot water + fat + scallions = a no-brainer for the holed-up survivor. If you’ve managed to get some scallions going as part of your Guerrilla Gardening (page 60) efforts, then you really must make these simple but oh-so-tasty snacks.
While the ingredients are few and simple, there are a couple of tricks that will help these pancakes turn out just right. First, they rely on a hot-water dough for their characteristic tug and chew, so be sure to use boiling water. Second, their lovely airy and crisp texture is achieved by creating layers of dough and fat, which is achieved by rolling them up tightly like a cigar, twisting the roll into a spiral, then rolling the dough out a second time. And lastly, the cooking temperature is key—too hot and they will be burned and blistered, too cold and they get oily and heavy. A medium-high temperature should yield light and crispy pancakes.
YIELDS:
1 Hungry Survivor serving, 2 Regular Joe servings
REQUIRES:
Chef’s or survival knife and cutting board
1 small pot
1 large heat-proof bowl
Wooden spoon or other cooking utensil
Cast-iron skillet or other frying pan Rolling pin
Pastry brush or fingers
Tongs
HEAT SOURCE:
Direct, open flame or other Stovetop Hack (page 42)
TIME:
35 minutes prep
30 minutes cooking time
INGREDIENTS:
1 c. boiling water
2 c. all-purpose flour
Pinch of salt, plus more to taste
¼ c. oil, preferably sesame but canola or olive also work
1½ c. sliced scallions
METHOD:
Set up a cooking fire or other Stovetop Hack and bring the water to a boil in a small pot. In the meantime, measure the flour and add to a large heat-proof mixing bowl along with a pinch of salt.
Add most (about ¾ c.) of the boiling water to the flour and mix until it comes together in a ball. After mixing, if it is still too dry to hold together, add the rest of the water in small increments until it does.
Transfer the ball to a floured surface and knead it for about 5 minutes (be careful, it will be quite hot at first) until it is nice and smooth. Coat the ball in a thin layer of oil, put it back in the bowl, and let it rest for half an hour (or longer).
Cut the ball into quarters, then roll each quarter in your hands lightly to form a ball. Working on one pancake at a time, roll the ball out until it is about ¼-inch thick. Apply a thin layer of oil to the dough, sprinkle with about a quarter of your scallions and a pinch of salt, then roll it up tightly like a cigar (or a jelly roll). Twist the roll into a spiral and roll it out again until nice and thin, being careful not to go too thin and have the scallions pierce the dough. Repeat the same process with the other balls of dough.
Add enough oil to a pan to create a very thin uniform layer at the bottom, then preheat the pan over a medium-high heat. When hot (the oil will be shimmering, but not smoking), gently drop the pancake in. Shake the pan every now and again and gently flip the pancake using tongs when the underside is nicely browned—about 2 minutes. Cook the second side until browned and crispy, another 1–2 minutes. If you have access to paper towels, you can set the cooked pancakes onto a plate lined with them. Repeat with the other pancakes. Serve immediately.
A NOTE ON SERVING: Enjoy these crunchy, chewy delights with a dipping sauce made from ¼ cup soy sauce, 2 tablespoons rice vinegar, 2 tablespoons fresh (or 1 tsp. powdered) ginger, and a touch of honey or sugar.
Plan of Attack for Perishables
Flick! Whoever it was that kept the electricity flowing has either fled (optimistic) or been devoured by their zombified coworkers (more likely). Either way, the world has gone dark. That means the clock has started ticking on anything in your fridge and freezer. Hopefully you were able to haul your cooler out of the basement and have freezer packs at the ready. If not, don’t worry, all of Raid, Pillage, & Plunder (Your Fridge) is dedicated to making the most of your perishables (while helping you pack on a little extra “cushioning″ to get you through the leaner times to come).
For starters, don’t open the fridge or freezer until you absolutely have to. When kept closed, the fridge can keep foods cool for up to 8 hours, the freezer up to 24. Secondly, trust your gut! We once depended solely on our eyes, nose, and taste buds to figure out whether or not food was safe, and we’ve used our senses for far longer than we’ve used expiration dates. Don’t get too uptight about the 4-hour rule or the safety zone or anything else you thought you knew about food safety; follow your nose and use common sense.
Having said that—here are some tips for working your way through the perishables:
Meat, poultry, fish, dairy (milk, cream, or yogurt), cooked foods, and soft cheeses will go south quickest, so start with them.
Sealed foods like yogurt and packaged cheese will generally have a little more wiggle room.
Consider using harder cheeses (Cheddar, Colby, Swiss), thawed fruits and vegetables, mayo, prepared horseradish, cream-based dressings, sauces, spreads, and other condiments as accoutrements to the most perishable foods, or move on to these for the next phase of face stuffing.
Some sauces and condiments like soy sauce and Worcestershire are fine indefinitely at room temperature.
The hardest cheeses and butter (Parmesan, Grana Padano, Pecorino) will be fine to eat for at least a few days.
If your milk sours before you can drink it, don’t fret! It’s basically just buttermilk. Use it for baking (muffins, pancakes, etc.).
Eggs are fine to stay out of the fridge for an extended period. They age about a week for every 24 hours outside the fridge, so note the expiration date and do the math. Or, test them by putting them into a container with water; if they float don’t use them.
If it’s colder than 40°F outside, stash food on a balcony or rooftop if possible (but definitely stay out of ground-level backyards or garages if they are not heavily secured).
Remember that some food will inevitably go to waste. Target the most nutritious and fatty foods to consume.
That is the question. The title of this section, Raid, Pillage, & Plunder (Your Fridge), should give you an idea about this survivor’s personal opinions on looting (affectionately referred to here as plundering) during the initial outbreak.
First, looting is morally reprehensible. And, before you roll your eyes thinking “Who is this n00b?,″ yes, I get how the moral fabric of society breaks down when it’s every survivor for him/herself. But I guess I am really just an early zpoc Rick Grimes at heart, no extreme or overtly selfish action unless it’s absolutely needed. But most importantly, not only is joining the mob of panicked (still living) people looting stores and other establishments just plain stealing (see Scavenging, page 21, for the distinction between looting, scavenging, and raiding), but it’s also just plain stupid. There are mindless meat-hungry monsters out there turning everyone into zombies. ’Nuf said.
THE WOK-ING DEAD STIR-FRY
This is an excellent dish that not only uses perishable meats and fresh vegetables, but is also well-balanced nutritionally and relatively light, which will help keep you nimble and alert in the face of the walking dead.
Don’t be intimidated by the long list of ingredients in this recipe—assembling and cutting your veggies will be the most time-consuming part and it is still a quick meal. This recipe is very flexible—you can swap ingredients and increase/decrease quantities based on what you have on hand and how many survivors you have to feed.
No wok? No problem. Just cook the ingredients in several small batches at high heat to mimic the wok effect. Another key to success for this recipe (wok or no) is in cutting all ingredients into uniform and smallish pieces to make for quick cooking times.
YIELDS:
2 Hungry Survivor servings, 4 Regular Joe servings
REQUIRES:
Chef’s or survival knife and cutting board
3 medium mixing bowls
1 small mixing bowl
1 whisk (or fork)
1 wooden spoon or spatula
1 slotted spoon (if using a skillet)
HEAT SOURCE:
Direct, open flame or other Stovetop Hack (page 42)
TIME:
30 minutes prep
5 minutes cooking time
INGREDIENTS:
1 egg white
2 tsp. cornstarch
1½ tsp. plus 1½ tbsp. Chinese rice wine, mirin, or dry sherry, divided (Scotch or even Tequila could be used in a pinch)
1½ tsp. water
Salt, to taste
8 oz. protein (chicken, beef, pork, firm tofu), cut into approx. 1″ cubes or thin slices
2 bell peppers, cut into 1″ slices or small dice
2 ribs celery, thinly sliced
1 c. broccoli, cut into half-bite-sized pieces (frozen could work too)
2 c. shredded carrots
2 c. very thinly sliced greens (cabbage, kale, spinach, or chard)
1 c. thinly sliced onion or scallion (or a mix of both!)
½ c. peas (fresh or frozen, not canned)
¼ c. chicken or vegetable broth (or water with a teaspoon of soy sauce or Worcestershire sauce)
1 tbsp. soy sauce
1 tbsp. minced ginger
3 cloves garlic, minced
1 tsp. sriracha sauce, chili flakes, or other hot sauce
1 tbsp. hoisin sauce (optional)
2 tbsp. peanut or vegetable oil
METHOD:
Set up a cooking fire or other Stovetop Hack. To a medium mixing bowl, add the egg white, cornstarch, 1½ teaspoons of rice wine or substitute, 1½ teaspoons of water, and salt to taste. Mix until the cornstarch is dissolved. Add your protein and coat thoroughly. Set aside.
Separate vegetables out by cooking time: harder vegetables like bell peppers, celery, and broccoli together in one remaining medium bowl; carrots, greens, onion/scal-lion, and peas in the other.
In a small bowl, combine remaining rice wine, the stock/water, soy sauce, ginger, garlic, hot sauce, and hoisin (if using). Bring all ingredients, a spatula, and a slotted spoon within hand’s reach of the cooking pan.
Heat a wok or pan on high heat until a drop of water evaporates after a second or two, then add the oil and swirl to coat the whole pan.
Add the harder vegetables, stir-fry for 2 minutes until crisp-tender. If using a skillet, remove with slotted spoon and set aside. If using wok, proceed to next step.
Add softer vegetables, meat mixture, and rice wine/stock mixture to the wok/skillet.
Stir-fry for about 2 minutes, until the sauce has thickened and the protein is cooked.
If using a skillet, add back the harder vegetables and toss until well combined and heated through, about 1 minute.
Taste and adjust seasoning if needed. Serve immediately with a side of rice.
CHOOSE YOUR OWN GRILLED CHEESE ADVENTURE
When the power goes out and you are looking for a way to use up bread and cheese, I mean, really—duh. Could there be a more perfect initial outbreak survival food? Grilled cheese sandwiches have it all—they are high in calories, and they contain fat, protein, and carbs. An ooey-gooey grilled cheese is one of the few foods that can remind you that life is still worth living and comes together in less than 10 minutes.
Plus, they offer an excellent opportunity for culinary improvisation. Along with the cheese, you can shove almost any ingredient between those two slices of bread. When melted, the cheese will act as a binder, making it a self-contained zpoc superfood. And if before biting into your perfect sandwich you happen to get distracted by the ever-growing number of biters outside, don’t fret! Virtually all grilled cheese sandwiches will taste just fine cold.
Many of the ingredients here might challenge your preconceived notions of “grilled cheese”—but hey, preconceived notions are so pre-apocalypse. It’s supposed to be a grilled cheese adventure, right?
QUICK TIPS
According to grilled cheese guru and James Beard Award–winning author Laura Werlin, there are a few foundations any grilled cheese adventurer should know:
Grate your cheese—to achieve consistent and quicker melting.
Get the right cheese-to-bread ratio—more cheese than bread, or “thick cheese thin bread.” Trim your bread down if you need to.
Spread the bread, not the pan—whether using butter, oil, mayo, bacon fat, what have you, spreading onto the bread directly will ensure better and more even crisping.
Use a nonstick pan—cast iron is great, but who has time to waste with sticking during the zpoc?
Flatten while cooking—use a light weight (a foil-wrapped can works great) or you can simply press with the spatula when you flip.
Go slow—keep the heat at medium or lower to allow the cheese to melt before the bread burns.
Cool it—let the sandwich cool for at least a few minutes before eating, it will taste much better this way.
To these most excellent tips I would add one further consideration of proportions, particularly when it comes to strong flavors. Strong cheeses like blue or Parmesan, sweet additions like jam, or strong mix-ins like bacon, kimchi, or olives can quickly overpower other flavors in the sandwich, so use them sparingly. Try to give thought, even if cursory, to achieving harmony in your GC—a happy ending to your adventure, so to speak.
If you choose to flex your own creative grilled cheese muscle, keep reading.
If you would rather just have an excellent grilled cheese concoction handed to you, turn to page 70.
Or, if you choose to cook up your GC on your very own Rocket Stove, turn to page 77.
INSPIRATION FOR BUILDING A GREAT GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH
The categories here are by no means exhaustive, but use them as a jumping-off point to mix and match according to what you have on hand and your own personal apocalyptic flair.
BREADS
Bagel
Baguette
Brioche
Challah
Ciabatta
Classic white Wonder
English muffin
Multigrain
Olive (or any flavored!) bread
Potato roll
Pumpernickel
Rye
Sourdough
CHEESES
American
Blue, like Roquefort, Stilton, or Gorgonzola
Brie
Cheddar
Cream cheese
Emmental
Gouda
Gruyère
Havarti
Manchego
Monterey Jack
Mozzarella
Parmigiano-Reggiano
Pecorino
Ricotta
Taleggio
TEXTURAL ENHANCERS
Blanched fresh veggies like broccoli rabe, green beans, peas, and/or Brussels sprouts
Chips! Corn, potato, whatever you’ve got
Pickled cukes, jalapeñnos, or banana peppers
Seasoned crushed instant ramen noodles
Toasted chopped nuts
FLAVOR BOMBS
Bacon
Browned and seasoned ground meat
Canned tuna
Caramelized onions
Cold cuts
Fried Spam
Huitlacoche
Minced fresh herbs
Prepared horseradish
Sauerkraut
Sautéed mushrooms
Sautéed or roasted garlic
Sliced hot dogs
SAUCES
Adobo
BBQ sauce
Creamy salad dressings
Harissa
Ketchup
Mayo
Mustard (grainy, Dijon, yellow, Deli, etc.)
Salsa
Sambal Oelek
Sriracha
SWEETS
Canned fruits (esp. pineapple and peach)
Dried fruits
Fig jam
Honey
Maple syrup
Marmalade
GRILLED CHEESE FOR THE TIME-PRESSED & STRESSED SURVIVOR
So you were a little overwhelmed by the seemingly endless world of grilled cheese possibility that preceded this, huh? That’s OK—fending off the undead all day can be terribly taxing. Here are several different predetermined paths you might take on the road to grilled cheese goodness. Remember, choose wisely . . .
WHEN THINGS GET MESSY
You just watched your loved one’s face get ripped off by a frenzied horde of zombies. That sucks! Why not try:
Lots of supermelty cheese, like Gouda or Monterey Jack
A healthy dose of something red, spicy, and saucy, like kimchi
A handful of dry ramen
Sourdough bread
WHEN THINGS GET MESSY
GOING STIR CRAZY
GOING STIR CRAZY
If you have to stay holed up in here another day, you are going to throw yourself to the undead dogs. Lighten up! Why not try:
Brie and a touch of Gorgonzola
Thinly sliced apple
Toasted and finely chopped almonds, walnuts, or pecans
Drizzle of honey
Baguette (trimmed and thinned if needed)
THE ALL-AMERICAN
There’s not much in the fridge.
Boo! Why not try:
American cheese slices
Lunch meat or sliced hot dogs
Ketchup mixed with hot sauce (for dipping)
White bread
THE SUICIDE
You got nicked by biters while boarding up the windows, and you want to do the right thing. Good for you! Why not try:
Emmental and Gruyère
Crispy bacon
Caramelized onion
Sautéed mushrooms
Multigrain bread
THE STRESS EATER
You are utterly overwhelmed by the carnage and sheer weight of staying alive as humanity crumbles around you. Eat away your worries! Why not try:
Havarti (lots!)
Leftover Boy Scout Meatloaf (page 76)
A handful of chips
Rye bread
LIFE’S A FIESTA
You’re just happy to have made it through another day of the zpoc. Arriba! Why not try:
Monterey Jack and Manchego
A thin layer of refried beans
Pickled jalapeños
Adobo sauce from canned chipotle peppers
Multigrain bread
THE BITTER END
The undead are beating down your defenses—they’ll be through the door any minute now. Time for the big sleep! Why not try:
Taleggio and shaved Parm
Sautéed broccoli rabe
Roasted garlic
Chili flakes
Rustic Italian or French bread (trimmed and thinned down if needed)
THE BITTER END
APOCALYPSE NOWNIES
When the undead rise and feast on the flesh of the living, it calls for a fudging brownie. This recipe is one of the first ways I would use up perishable ingredients like butter and eggs, and you better believe they are going alongside the last carton of ice cream I will ever eat. Plus, if things seem grim, inducing a food coma via overindulgence seems like a great way to go.
YIELDS:
12 brownies
REQUIRES:
1 metal baking dish (preferably 7″ × 11″), 6 qt. Dutch oven with lid, or 9″ castiron skillet
1 medium pot
2 large mixing bowls
Wooden spoon or other cooking utensil
HEAT SOURCE:
Indirect, Hibachi Grill or other Oven Hack (page 44)
TIME:
15 minutes prep
25–30 minutes minimally attended baking time
INGREDIENTS:
½ c. all-purpose flour, plus more for dusting the pan
½ tsp. baking powder
8 oz. chocolate (unsweetened baking preferable, or whatever you have on hand)
6 tbsp. butter, plus extra for greasing the pan
1¼ c. white sugar
½ tsp. vanilla extract
¼ tsp. espresso powder (optional, but recommended)
⅛ tsp. salt (omit if using salted butter)
3 eggs, at room temperature
½ c. chopped walnuts (optional, but recommended)
METHOD:
Start a cooking fire, either well in advance to generate sufficient embers for 350°F baking (see Judging Temperature, page 47) with the Hibachi Grill. Grease and flour a baking vessel.
In a mixing bowl, combine the flour and baking powder until well combined. Set aside for now.
Set a medium pot, half-filled with water, over the cooking fire to use as a double boiler. Add the chocolate and butter to a second mixing bowl and rest it on the pot, stirring occasionally until completely melted and smooth. Remove the bowl from the heat, add the sugar, vanilla, espresso powder, and salt (if needed). Mix until well incorporated and let cool for about 2 minutes.
Add the eggs, one at a time, whisking until the batter is shiny and smooth after each addition. Add the flour mixture and whisk again, more gently this time, until the mixture is smooth and shiny. The batter should be fairly thick. Add the walnuts and mix until just combined.
Transfer the batter into the prepared baking pan and smooth out to edges if needed. Bake for about 20 minutes in a 7- by 11-inch metal baking pan. Check the brownies after about 15 minutes to avoid overbaking—they are ready when the sides are firm and the center has just set (a knife or toothpick in the center comes out relatively clean). Rotate the pan periodically to ensure even cooking, especially if using an Oven Hack.
Consume ravenously after letting the cooked brownies cool for 10–15 minutes.
A NOTE ON COOKING TIME: Cooking time will vary depending on the heat source and bakeware used. It is really easy to overbake brownies, and dry, overbaked brownies suck, so keep a close eye on them and test for doneness every 2–3 minutes once the sides are set and have pulled away from the pan.
CHOCOLATE SUBSTITUTION: You can use any kind of chocolate you have on hand; chocolate chips would even work. If using a sweetened chocolate, cut the sugar down by ¼ cup. If you don’t have any chocolate, you can use 1½ cups cocoa powder plus additional 8 tablespoons butter, margarine, or oil instead.
The Zpoc Food Pyramid & You
It’s TEOTWAWKI, and while healthy eating and fad diets were all the rage pre-zpoc, when fighting off walkers you should eat whatever you can get your grubby survivor hands on. Your body will almost constantly be in survival mode, and calories will become increasingly hard to come by.
That means the good old food pyramid we are all familiar with needs a little updating. Amy Symington, MSc and professor of nutrition at George Brown College in Toronto, breaks down the new zpoc requirements.
PROTEIN
With increased levels of activity, protein will be in high demand. Not only is it important for repairing overexerted survivor muscles, but it will also help build more muscle with which to dispatch walkers. Meat-based proteins will help you recover more quickly from physical exertion than will plant-based proteins, but let’s get real—you will not have the option of being picky. So aside from meat, look for protein to come from dairy, eggs, beans, nuts, seeds, and bugs (see page 115 for a complete guide to Apocalyptic Entomophagy)!
FAT
Aside from being important for many physiological reasons, like the absorption of certain vitamins (A, D, E, and K, for example) and basic cell function, in the context of 24/7 survival, fat is a hugely important source of energy. Gram for gram, fat has the biggest bang for your caloric buck: 1 gram of fat contains 9 calories, while protein and carbohydrates clock in at 4 calories per gram. I won’t even begin to suggest you try to avoid certain types of fat and seek out others. Fat, in any and all its forms, will be an important way to refill the geek-bashing tank.
CARBOHYDRATES + WATER
The zombie apocalypse is an excellent time to consider carb loading—think pasta, rice, bread, and potatoes. Professional athletes do it to win competitions, while you’ll be doing it to win . . . well, your life. If you know you are going on a long trek or an intense scavenging mission, pairing increased carbohydrate intake with proper fluid and electrolyte intake ahead of time will increase performance. Or, in situations where you are constantly on the go or never know when you might need to bolt, a steady stream of carbohydrates coupled with proper hydration will have you ready for action at any time.
ELECTROLYTES
About those electrolytes: staying hydrated with clean water and maintaining proper electrolyte intake are key to keeping up peak physical performance in the face of undead enemies. Electrolytes include calcium, potassium, magnesium, chloride, and sodium, with potassium and sodium being particularly important. When you are running for dear life, sodium helps water enter your cells, allowing your body to become hydrated more quickly. For sources, think most any packaged or canned foods, and, of course, straight salt. Potassium is extremely important for regulating your heartbeat; good sources including potatoes and white beans, and, if you can get your hands on them, bananas and beet greens.
IRON
When outrunning the undead, bashing in brains, and boarding up hideouts, your body is going to need more iron. Iron is important during increased physical activity because it transfers oxygen to your body’s cells and helps with red blood cell formation. Leafy greens and meat are excellent sources, while more zpoc-accessible foods include legumes, like beans, and dried fruit.
ANTIOXIDANTS
The more physical activity you perform, the higher the amount of oxidative stress that occurs in the body, which increases free radical activity and the potential for cellular damage or cell death. The antioxidants beta-carotene and vitamins C and E combat this. Good food sources of these include avocado, almonds, and citrus fruit. But, depending on where you live, access to those may be wiped out with the rest of civil society, so you might want to load up on vitamin supplements like tablets or powdered drink mixes like Emergen-C, or plan to grow tomatoes, potatoes, cabbage, and dark berries.
THE ZPOC FOOD PYRAMID
BOY SCOUT MEATLOAF
During the end times, I am sure more than a few of us will be wishing we had been better . . . prepared. While civil society deteriorates under the intense pressure of a zombie pandemic, there will probably be some Boy Scout troop that’s bugged out and is enjoying a relaxing cup of wild mint tea in their booby-trap-laden wilderness fortress (is there a merit badge for horde evasion?) while the rest of us run around like chickens whose heads have been bitten off by zeds.
One nifty trick we can take from those industrious and resourceful little Scouts, though, is whipping up a tasty campfire meatloaf. I have called for this recipe to be cooked as individual portions, as they typically do in the Scouts—the smaller portions cook quicker than a large loaf and are easier to serve up among a group of survivors. If you are keen on preserving foil and have an appropriate loaf pan, feel free to use that instead (grease liberally); just increase the cooking time to about 60 minutes.
YIELDS:
8 × 4-oz. individual meatloaves
REQUIRES:
Chef’s or survival knife and cutting board 8 pieces of tinfoil, roughly 6″ × 8″ each
1 large mixing bowl
HEAT SOURCE:
Direct, embers, or indirect Oven Hack (page 44)
TIME:
15 minutes prep
30–45 minutes unattended cooking time
INGREDIENTS:
6 oz. (¾ c.) Bugging-In Breadcrumbs (page 94), or store-bought
2 lb. ground meat (whatever you’ve got: beef, pork, turkey)
1 medium onion, finely minced
2 ribs celery, finely minced
1 carrot, finely minced
3 cloves garlic, finely minced
1 tbsp. Worcestershire sauce
⅔ c. ketchup or BBQ sauce
1 tsp. hot sauce, or more to taste
1½ tsp. black pepper
1½ tsp. cayenne pepper
1 tsp. dried thyme
1 egg
8 slices bacon (optional)
OPTIONAL ADD-INS:
½ bell pepper, finely minced
¾ lb. ground sausage, chopped finely (to replace ¾ lb. of other ground meat)
METHOD:
Start a live fire for embers or prep another Oven Hack for 375°F baking (see Judging Temperature, page 47). Prepare the foil squares for cooking the meatloaves by laying all 8 out on a counter or table so you can easily portion the meat.
Add all the ingredients save for the egg (and bacon, if using) into a large bowl. Mix gently until well combined.
Add the egg and mix gently until just combined. Within the bowl, roughly divide the meat out into 8 portions.
Taking a portion of meat into your hands, gently shape it into a log or patty—whatever shape you fancy. If using bacon, wrap a piece around each loaf.
Lay each portion in the middle of a piece of foil. Wash your hands before proceeding.
Pull together the longer sides of the foil to form a tent-like apex, then fold the apex over 3–4 times, making sure to leave some space above the meatloaf so that the air can circulate within the packet.
Do the same thing to the other, shorter, sides of the packet. Repeat for all packets.
If using a cooking fire, make like a Scout and nestle the packets into a bed of embers, checking periodically after about 20 minutes to make sure the bottoms of the packets aren’t scorching, though if using bacon that should help defend against it. Replenish the embers as needed. If using an Oven Hack, bake the packets for 30–45 minutes, checking after half an hour.
The meatloaves are done when they feel firm to the touch and are cooked through. Let them cool for a few minutes before tucking in.
NEVER GOING TO FOIL PACK IT IN VEGETABLES: A perfect companion to Scout-inspired meatloaf, this foil packet side dish also cooks on glowing embers. Just pack up a mélange of fresh or frozen vegetables, drizzle with oil or slap on a knob of butter, and season to taste. You can experiment with flavors by adding different herbs and spices or a light drizzle of honey, but butter and good ’ol S&P work just fine.
Building a Rocket Stove
Rocket stoves are out of this world—their design allows them to burn wood with very high efficiency and very little smoke, making them a great option for indoor use. All you need for the design described here is 1 fully intact #10 can (like the large 6-lb. cans of coffee you might find in the bulk section of a grocery store or wholesaler like Costco), 4 empty standard 8-ounce soup (or bean or whatever) cans, and insulation like damp earth or sand, perlite, or vermiculite.
You can also scale up this basic design (which includes a fuel magazine, combustion chamber, chimney, and insulation/heat exchanger) to make large stoves capable of heating houses or other dwellings. For more information, check out Rocket Mass Heaters: Superefficient Woodstoves You Can Build by Ianto Evans and Leslie Jackson.
WHAT YOU WILL NEED:
1 × #10 can, with top and bottom still intact
4 × 8-oz. empty soup cans, with bottoms intact
Can opener
Marker
Nail or some other sharp pointed tool for poking holes
Metal shears, if available, or a very sharp and sturdy knife
Heavy work gloves
Using a can opener, remove the top of the #10 can and store or eat the contents—set the top aside for now (be careful, it’s sharp! Wear heavy work gloves if available to protect your hands). Hold the top or bottom of a soup can (can A) up to the side of the #10 can, 2 inches from the bottom, and use it to trace a hole onto the can. Use the nail to poke holes along the perimeter of the traced circle—this will make it easier to cut the hole out with the metal shears or a knife. The edges left from these cuts will be very sharp and jagged, so exercise caution!
Repeat the same process on the side of a second soup can (can B), tracing the bottom of can A 2 inches from the bottom (closed) end of can B, then cutting the traced circle out via the process outlined in step one. It is important that the holes on the #10 can and can B be cut the same distance from the cans’ bottoms so the holes will line up. Set the #10 can and can B, now both sporting holes on their sides, aside.
Grab a third soup can (can C) and, using the can opener, remove the bottom (if it was empty it should now be open ended, otherwise remove both top and bottom, and consume the soup inside). Insert this topless, bottomless can C into the hole you just cut into the side of can B to make sure it fits—it should be snug. Take the two cans apart again, then fit the top- and bottomless can C into the hole in the side of #10 can until it is half inside the #10 can and half out; this horizontal chamber will be the fuel magazine. Take can B and join it with can C inside the #10 can, creating an L-shaped tunnel inside the #10 can—can C should sit horizontally and can B should sit vertically.
Cut off the bottom of the fourth soup can (can D) so that, like can C, it is open on both sides; remove the top and bottom lips that remain as well. Cut can D up its side vertically, from top to bottom. This cut will give you the flexibility to fit the can inside can B by overlapping the edges. Slide can D about ⅓ of the way into can B until it hits the horizontal can C (the fuel chamber); this will create a chimney that should be about level with the top of the #10 can.
Cut several ½-inch vertical slits into the top of the #10 can to form tabs that will be used to hold down the lid.
Using can A, trace and cut a hole into the center of the metal lid from the #10 can that you set aside in step one. Fill the empty space around the chimney inside the #10 can with insulation (damp earth, sand, vermiculite, or perlite)—stopping about 1 inch from the top. Then put the #10 can lid on over the chimney and close the whole thing up by folding the tabs you made in step 5 over the top of the lid.
Remove the bottom of can A so that it is open on both ends (like cans C and D). Remove the lips on the top and bottom of the can, then cut it vertically up its side and flatten it out. Create a T shape with a fat base by cutting out notches about 1 inch wide from either side of the flattened can. This is your fuel shelf. Slide the bottom of the T-shaped fuel shelf as far as it will go into the end of can C, so that it is sticking out from the #10 can.
Load kindling and fuel onto the shelf and light! You can rest a small to medium pot directly on the chimney (which will contain life flames) and keep feeding the fire fuel as needed. Use pot supports for larger and heavy pots. Once the fire is burning the entire stove becomes very hot—do not handle while it is burning and allow it cool for 1–2 hours once the fire is out.
THE ROCKET STOVE
THE END OF RA-MAN
Obscure Brazilian film references aside, it might be the end of man, but it is just the beginning for instant ramen. Ramen is one of those brainless convenience foods that is hella cheap, superfast to prepare, and extremely versatile. With a good cadre of condiments and add-ins, you can remix ramen in any and all stages of the zpoc— from initial outbreak to scavenging the wasteland.
You can gussy up and change the basic soup “recipe″ itself (noodles, water, flavor packet) in a billion different ways. Add different combinations of vegetables (fresh, canned, or freeze-dried), proteins (ditto), sauces/condiments, and spices. Or, leave the water out of it and use the drained cooked noodles and flavor packets for cold noodle salads. None of that appeal to you yet? How about using the noodles in Vietnamese-style salad wraps?
And when it’s bottom-of-the-barrel-scraping time, you can always munch these bad boys totally uncooked, seasoned, and broken up into a crunchy topping on other foods (like I Want My Mommy Casserole, page 91) or straight up snack.
The limits to what you can do and how you can repurpose your run-of-the-mill ramen packets are bounded only by your own ingredient access and creativity. Here’s a quick and tasty bug-in variety making use of the bok choy and scallions from your Guerrilla Gardening efforts (page 60). The fresh ingredients and condiments you’ll still have available at this stage of the zpoc make this the best ramen remix possible—and it all comes together in under 10 minutes.
YIELDS:
1 Hungry Survivor serving, 2 Regular Joe servings
REQUIRES:
Chef’s or survival knife and cutting board 1 medium saucepan
HEAT SOURCE:
Direct, open flame or other Stovetop Hack (page 42)
TIME:
5 minutes prep
5 minutes attended cook time
INGREDIENTS:
2 c. water
2 pieces bok choy (from Guerrilla Gardening), Swiss chard, or cabbage, rough chopped into bite-sized pieces
1 package instant ramen (noodles and flavor packet separate)
1 tsp. chili garlic sauce or sambal oelek
1 tbsp. fish sauce
1 tsp. tamari or soy sauce
1 egg, cracked and whisked
1 scallion (from Guerrilla Gardening), thinly sliced
1 piece bacon, cooked till crispy and diced (optional, if available)
Sesame oil, for drizzling
METHOD:
Set up a cooking fire or other Stovetop Hack. Bring water to a boil in a medium saucepan over high heat. Add the bok choy and cook for about 30 seconds before adding the noodles.
After another minute or so add the flavor packet, chili garlic sauce, fish sauce, and tamari sauce. Once heated through, swirl in the whisked egg and remove from heat.
Taste and adjust seasoning, adding more tamari or fish sauce as desired. Transfer to a bowl and top with sliced scallion and bacon (if using), then drizzle with just a touch of sesame oil. Enjoy while hot.