COOKING IN THE WELL-STOCKED SAFE HOUSE
FAILURE TO PREPARE TO SURVIVE IS A DECISION NOT TO SURVIVE.
So you fancy yourself a seasoned prepper? Or perhaps you want to dip your toe into the pool of emergency preparedness?
Whether furnishing a secondary location or preparing your current domicile for an extended stay during the zombie tsunami, if you want to plan ahead for the coming undead uprising, this section is for you. In the following pages, you will find an overview of the essential supplies, equipment, and considerations for living in a well-stocked safe house (WSSH).
And by “well-stocked” I don’t just mean baked beans and Spam. You’ll likely be surprised at the variety of foods that can be tucked away for end times. Nearly everything you once enjoyed pre-zpoc is available in a shelf-stable canned, jarred, dehydrated, vacuum-packed, or freeze-dried format for your prepping convenience, from fruits, vegetables, and meats, to all forms of dairy (even cheese!). The best approach for all aspects of prepping is to have a plan B, a course of action or system to fall back on. When it comes to stocking food for your safe house, this means having a variety of freeze-dried foods (many of which BTW—fruits, vegetables, and cooked meat—can be eaten as they are but are much more palatable with rehydration), and dehydrated foods, and canned foods.
Having said that, not all prepper foods are created equal. The recipes in this section will showcase shelf-stable foods in some of their best applications, from simple rehydration to sautéing, baking, and stewing.
A Hydrated Survivor Is a Happy Survivor
Needless to say, store some water! Under the bed, in the closet, under the stairs, or in the garage: wherever you have room. Water is pretty much your number one concern during the zpoc—without it you have roughly 3 days to live. But your aqueous survival plans should be far more robust than stashing a few gallons of Poland Spring in the basement. (See also Water, page 12, for more on finding and purifying water.)
WATER COLLECTION & STORAGE METHODS
WATERBOB®
The waterBOB® is a water bladder for your bathtub. As soon as you see your neighbor frantically running and screeching down the block with no face, pop this sucker into your tub and fill it up. It stores 100 gallons (or enough water for 1 person for 100 days).
RAINWATER COLLECTION
If you live in a house, you can make use of the large surface area on your roof, the gutters, and downspouts to collect and store water in large modified plastic drums or garbage cans.
WHAT YOU WILL NEED:
Large plastic barrel, drum, or garbage can with lid
Sharp knife or shears
The downspout from your roof
Window screen
Hose bib (optional)
Plumber’s putty (optional)
Find a large plastic barrel or garbage can with lid—avoid any container that may have housed industrial chemicals or other harmful materials and be sure to clean it out thoroughly. Dark-colored containers are best for keeping out light and minimizing the growth of algae or harmful bacteria.
Make a hole in the top or lid of the container for water from the downspout to flow into. Cover this hole (from the inside if possible) with window screen to keep mosquitoes and other debris/bugs out.
Poke another hole or two on the side of the container near the top for overflow and cover securely with more screen.
Shorten your downspout to accommodate the height of your container. It should terminate about 2 inches above the container so that the water can drain over the screen-covered hole made in step 2.
To add a spout (rather than popping off the lid to take water as needed): Cut a hole the size of the hose bib (spout) near the bottom of the barrel. Put the hose bib in and seal with plumber’s putty.
Place container on the ground under the downspout and pray for rain. Treat any water collected before consuming.
If you live in an apartment or other dwelling with no gutters or downspouts, then you will need to set up containers (like food-safe buckets for example) over a large area on your balcony and/or the building’s roof to collect water. A rain chain suspended above the bucket gives the rainwater a more efficient means of getting into the bucket and can be made from simple scavengeable materials. Alternatively or additionally, you can rig up clean plastic tarp to act as a catchment surface, elevated and angled so that the water will drain down into a bucket or container.
BARREL
BUCKET
RAIN CHAIN
TARP
It’s all fine and good to stock yourself up for the gruesome downfall of society, and I will be the first to recommend freeze-dried fruits, vegetables, eggs, dairy, and meat as halfway decent substitutes during the culinary lean times. Plus they are pretty straightforward: cover with water to rehydrate and off you go.
But I feel it prudent to point out the ever-so-important other part of the freeze-dried equation: water. Being the precious life-sustaining resource that it is, you can bet that water will be hard to come by during the zpoc—and reconstituting freeze-dried or dehydrated foods uses a lot of it.
HOME WATER FILTRATION SYSTEM
Investing in a filtration system for the end times is invaluable, but a Brita just won’t cut it. You will need something that can filter out harmful bacteria and zombie germs, is portable, and can be hooked up to water storage and collection containers (rather than your tap, which will have run dry). Makers like Sawyer offer very high-quality purifiers that will remove any and all harmful bacteria and can be fitted to a bucket or other container. Their entire Point ZeroTWO™ bucket system, which can purify up to 170 gallons a day, packs up compactly and is very lightweight, so that, if necessary, it can be brought on the run.
LONG - TERM STORAGE OF WATER
Store water in previously unused completely opaque food-grade plastic containers and keep it in a cool, dark, and dry place. Over the long term, if the water is sitting unused and you are not regularly rotating it (see Time Is a Flat Circle above), then you should pretreat your water with chlorine. Buy a bunch of pool testing kits and maintain a level of 3–5 parts per million, or about 8 drops per gallon. If you are using municipally treated water and rotating it regularly, then the chlorine levels already in the water should be sufficient. Rotate water stores frequently to keep things fresh.
In prepper jargon, rotation means keeping water and food stores fresh by using them in day-to-day life. Often nonperishable foods purchased for emergency preparedness are stashed in a cool, dark closet and forgotten about. If no reason to use them (yay!) presents itself, they will likely sit there until their useful life is expended and they have to be thrown away. Paying attention to rotation ensures you will always have an optimal stash on hand.
BLASPHEMOUS BAKED CAULIFLOWER
The combination of cauliflower, cheese, and bacon is by no means revolutionary, but it is damn tasty and easy to prepare. This particular recipe will put up the hackles on most culinary cognoscenti: freeze-dried vegetables covered with rehydrated cheese and canned bacon? Really?! Yes.
Not all canned, freeze-dried, and hydrated foods are created equal; the trick is in knowing what applications best suit each product. I much prefer freeze-dried vegetables to dehydrated ones in any dish that’s not undergoing a decent cook time or when the vegetable is the main component of the dish (such as this recipe). Freeze-dried cheese, when you get the rehydration technique down, is actually a pretty palatable substitute. It can be melted or mixed in to most dishes calling for grated cheese (burritos, pizza, baked dishes). And believe it or not, canned bacon isn’t disgusting. It’s certainly not as good as the thick-cut double-smoked high-quality varieties available pre-zpoc, but it is a must-have addition to any long-term storage plan.
This recipe is adapted from “Cheesy Cauliflower & Bacon Gratin” by Barney Desmazery, appearing in the April 2010 issue of Good Food magazine.
YIELDS:
2 Hungry Survivor servings, 4 Regular Joe servings
REQUIRES:
Chef’s or survival knife and cutting board
1 large bowl
1 large plate
Dutch Oven or 1 heat-proof metal baking dish (7″ × 11″)
HEAT SOURCE:
Indirect, Dutch Oven or other Oven Hack (page 44)
TIME:
10 minutes prep
25 minutes minimally attended bake time
INGREDIENTS:
5 strips canned bacon
1½ c. freeze-dried cheese
2 c. freeze-dried cauliflower, rehydrated as per package directions
Drizzle of oil, preferably olive
Salt & pepper, to taste
½ c. breadcrumbs, preferably panko
METHOD:
Set up a cooking fire. When you have an ample supply of embers, preheat a Dutch Oven (if using) or set up another Oven Hack for 400°F baking (see Judging Temperature, page 47).
In the meantime, roughly chop the bacon and set aside. On a large plate, rehydrate the cheese (see Rehydrating Freeze-Dried Cheese on page 213). In a large bowl, rehydrate the cauliflower as per package directions.
Drain excess water from the cauliflower and cheese, making sure the cauliflower is relatively dry before proceeding. Toss the cauliflower with a drizzle of oil and add salt and pepper to taste.
Lightly grease the bottom and sides of the Dutch Oven or other roasting dish, then spread the cauliflower out on the bottom. Cover with the cheese, then sprinkle with bacon bits and breadcrumbs.
Cover and add a few embers to the lid of the Dutch Oven, or put the roasting dish into the Oven Hack uncovered. Check after about 15 minutes and bake for an additional 5–10 minutes if needed, until the topping is golden brown and crunchy. Remove from heat and let stand 5–10 minutes before eating.
It’s true, freeze-dried cheese is just not the same as real cheese. It’s not thick creamy slices of Brie or stinky wedges of Taleggio. It’s not even a slice of cheddar on a Ritz. But I, for one, am very grateful it exists.
When used in the right ways and properly rehydrated, freeze-dried cheese is basically as good as commercial shredded cheese. The only trick is not ending up with a huge glop of wet cheesy mess. Here’s how:
1. Spread cheese out thinly on a dinner plate or shallow pie plate.
2. Sprinkle the cheese liberally with cold water and let rehydrate for about 2–3 minutes. Cold (or, at worst, room temp) water will help it maintain its structural integrity and prevent it from clumping together.
3. Give it a little toss and spread it thinly again.
4. Leave it to rehydrate another 2 minutes or so.
5. Drain off water by tipping the plate slightly—avoid using a strainer so your cheese won’t clump together. Lay a piece of paper towel (if available) over top and let sit another minute or so before using.
TAKE THE BURRITO HIGHS WITH THE LOWS
This recipe takes 2 totally gnarly-sounding ingredients, freeze-dried meat and a pathogenic corn fungus, and makes them into a delicious bunker burrito—no joke. Frying up freeze-dried meats with onion and spices is one of the best ways of making them less shelf-stable-esque. The “corn mushroom” huitlacoche is actually a popular ingredient in Mexican cooking— quesadillas, burritos, and soups will often feature its interesting earthy and slightly exotic flavor. This ugly-looking fungus often impacts corn crops and is largely viewed as blight (“corn smut”) by North American farmers, and as a result huitlacoche has never really taken off among American eaters or cooks. But you can find it in specialty grocery stores or online for your pre-zpoc stocking needs—it will bring a little pizzazz to your WSSH stores and this burrito.
YIELDS:
2 Hungry Survivor servings, 4 Regular Joe servings
REQUIRES:
Chef’s or survival knife and cutting board
3 medium bowls
1 large plate
1 large sauté pan
Wooden spoon or other stirring utensil
HEAT SOURCE:
Direct, Rocket Stove (page 77) or other Stovetop Hack (page 42)
TIME:
10 minutes prep
10 minutes attended cooking time
INGREDIENTS:
1 c. freeze-dried chicken, ground beef, or Textured Vegetable Protein (TVP)
2 tbsp. freeze-dried onions
1 c. freeze-dried cheese
2 tbsp. oil
½ tsp. ground cumin
½ tsp. chili powder
1 tbsp. freeze-dried garlic
½ c. powdered sour cream
4 flour tortillas (see Flour Tortillas, page 214)
1 small can huitlacoche
2 tbsp. pickled jalapeño, roughly chopped
Hot sauce of your choice, to taste
METHOD:
Set up a Rocket Stove or other Stove-top Hack. Rehydrate the protein and onion in separate bowls using warm water as per package instructions. In the meantime, rehydrate the cheese on a large plate (see Rehydrating Freeze-Dried Cheese, page 213).
Heat a large sauté pan with oil over medium-high heat. Drain off excess water from the onions and protein, setting aside for soup making, watering plants, or some other appropriate reuse.
Sauté the onions 2–3 minutes, until soft and slightly browned. Add the protein and sauté an additional 2 minutes or so until browned. Clear some space in the pan by pushing aside the protein and onion, then add the cumin and chili powder to this cleared space and toast, stirring continuously, until fragrant. Add the garlic to the pan, then mix the cumin and chili powder into the other ingredients and cook another minute or so. Remove from heat and set aside.
Reconstitute the sour cream in a bowl and spread onto the tortillas. Add a thin layer of huitlacoche on top of the sour cream. Divide the protein evenly among the tortillas, then top with cheese and pickled jalapeños. Season with hot sauce to taste. Roll up and enjoy.
It’s a Grind
While it’s great to include milled and ready-to-use flours as part of your prepper stores, most milled flours have a far shorter shelf life (only up to a year) than do whole grains like wheat, rye, or spelt, which, when stored properly, can last for many years. To produce flour in your safe house, just mill your stored whole grains with a hand-cranked grain mill. A well-made, high-quality hand-cranked grain mill will last for years and is worth investing in. Good models will allow you to grind flour anywhere from very coarse to very fine, and can handle “oily grains” like nuts, seeds, and coffee beans (Yes! You can have decent coffee during the zpoc! See Don’t Let the Zpoc Be a Buzzkill, page 218).
Wheat-based flour is the workhorse in most North American baked goods. There are hundreds of varieties of wheat, but in North America they fall into 6 major classes:
Hard Winter Red
Hard Spring Red
Soft Winter Red
Hard Winter White
Soft Spring White
Durum
Hard red and white wheats are good for yeast-based bread making, while soft wheats are ideal for cakes, pastries, and other more delicate baked goods. Durum is the hardest of all wheats and is most often used in commercial pasta making.
In addition to wheat, you can include other grains, like rice, spelt, rye, amaranth, quinoa, barley, farro, or Kamut. But be aware: depending on the gluten content of the grain and on what you are making, nonwheat flours may need to be blended with wheat flours. For example, grains with a low gluten content like rye can be used on their own to make bread but are often blended with wheat to increase the gluten content and produce a less-dense loaf.
When putting up your grain for long-term storage, the biggest problems you will face are light, oxygen, moisture, and bugs. All grains should be packed into Mylar bags with oxygen absorbers and sealed into heavy-duty food-grade plastic buckets with Gamma Seal or screw-on lids. All these and additional supplies for emergency prepping can be found through various online suppliers.
Depending on where you get your grain, it will either have been produced for human consumption or, as with the vast majority of grains, for animal consumption. Grain produced for animal consumption is often sprayed with fungicides and pesticides, so be sure to find out the origin of the grain and wash if needed.
Store grain in a cool, dark place, and you will have bread, pizza dough, cake, cookies, and other baked goods for years after the zombies have wiped out your local bakery or grocery store.
RECOMMENDED READING: To get your head around working with whole grains, check out Kim Boyce’s book Good to the Grain: Baking with Whole Grain Flours.
FLOUR TORTILLAS
Tortillas are a versatile food for surviving the uprising of flesh-hungry corpses. You can roll stuff up in them to munch on the run, top them like a flatbread for a no-fuss no-muss face stuffing, or use them to mop up after saucy foods in the absence of cutlery.
While corn tortillas are, many would argue, superior to flour both in terms of flavor and nutrition, the flour tortilla has corn beat in simplicity of ingredients and ease of preparation. Once you discover how simple it is to make your own (and how much better they taste than store-bought), you will see the flour tortilla is the only tortilla you need during the zpoc.
YIELDS:
4 tortillas
REQUIRES:
1 small mixing bowl
1 large mixing bowl
1 large sauté pan
Wooden spoon or other stirring utensil
Clean kitchen towel
1 rolling pin, or wine/hair spray bottle covered in plastic wrap
HEAT SOURCE:
Direct, open flame or other Stovetop Hack (page 42)
TIME:
10 minutes prep
30 minutes unattended resting time
20 minutes attended cooking time
INGREDIENTS:
1½ tbsp. powdered shortening
1 c. all-purpose flour, plus more for dusting
¼ tsp. salt
Up to ¼ c., plus 2 tbsp. warm water
Cornmeal for sprinkling
METHOD:
Set up a cooking fire or other Stove-top Hack. In a small mixing bowl, reconstitute the shortening powder with ¼ teaspoon warm water. It takes some time for the powder to pick up the water, so keep mixing until it forms a thick paste. If after thorough mixing it still seems too dry, add just a few drops of water and mix again.
To a large mixing bowl containing the flour and salt, add the reconstituted shortening and gently work in the fat with your fingers until it is uniformly broken down into small grain-sized pieces and the flour takes on a uniform crumbly texture. Add ¼ cup of water and stir with a fork or wooden spoon until the flour starts to come together into a ball. If it seems too dry, add the remaining water in parts, at most one tablespoon at a time, mix until incorporated, and repeat if necessary. The dough should not be wet or sticky to the touch, but it should hold together and form a shaggy ball.
Turn the dough and any remaining chunks of flour out onto a floured surface and knead a few times until it comes together completely. Divide the ball into 4 sections, roll each lightly into a ball, then cover with a clean kitchen towel and let rest for 30 minutes.
Preheat a pan over medium-high heat. Working on one tortilla at a time, sprinkle a work surface and the top of the ball with cornmeal. Flatten the ball into a disk then roll out into an 8-inch circle—err on the side of too thin rather than too thick. Keep the remaining balls of dough covered as you work.
Lay the rolled tortilla into a hot, dry pan and cook for 30–45 seconds per side or until you see light brown spots dotting the surface—do not overcook when using for burritos, as they will dry out and become difficult to roll. Let each tortilla cool slightly before stacking. Keep lightly covered until you are ready to use to prevent them from drying out.
Made too many tortillas? Let leftover tortillas dry overnight or toast them lightly until crunchy, then serve them with a quick queso fundido. Sauté ½ cup reconstituted onion with 1 can mixed tomato and green chili (such as RO*TEL brand) and 3 glugs tequila (if available) until most of the liquid has dissipated. Add 3 cups reconstituted cheese and stir until melted. Serve immediately.
Tips for Long-Term Food Storage
Whether freeze-dried, dehydrated, canned, vacuum-packed, or what have you—light, extreme temperature fluctuations, and moisture are the 3 archenemies of your food stores. Stash foods in a dry, dark place with an ideal temperature range of 40°F–60°F, and you will get the most longevity out of your stores.
Make sure all foods put up for long-term storage are protected from light, moisture, oxygen, insects, and vermin by storing them in proper containers—durable food-grade buckets, barrels, or Mylar bags that can be tightly sealed by vacuum packing or with Gamma Seal or screw-on lids. Add oxygen-absorbing packs to further extend the life of these foods. Grains can be frozen then defrosted before storing to kill any critters that might be hanging around and could destroy the stores.
Rotate the foods you store: that is, use them regularly in cooking and replenish them as needed—that way you avoid wasting your stores and just throwing them out when they expire.
RECOMMENDED READING: For more on storing foods long-term and general emergency preparedness, check out the Emergency Food Storage & Survival Handbook by Peggy Layton.
I NEED SOME TLC TVP CHILI
Textured vegetable protein (or totally valuable protein in the zpoc context) is a dehydrated soy-based product that is both high in protein and fiber. Being much cheaper than freeze-dried and dehydrated meats, it is cost effective; plus it’s very lightweight and portable. When stored in cool, dry, and dark conditions it has a long shelf life (about 10 years unopened or one year once opened), and it’s very quick and easy to prepare.
There are a wide variety of TVP products out there varying in size (chunks to ground) and flavors (“chicken,” “beef,” and “ham”), but I deem the best use of TVP to be in the ground format for dishes like chili, sauces, sloppy joes, and tacos. It can be pretty tasty, too. In a big old comforting bowl of chili, you’d never know it falls firmly in the “fake meat” category.
YIELDS:
2 Hungry Survivor servings, 4 Regular Joe servings
REQUIRES:
1 large pot (about 8 qt.)
1 wooden spoon or other stirring utensil
HEAT SOURCE:
Direct, open flame or other Stovetop Hack (page 42)
TIME:
10 minutes prep
40 minutes mostly unattended cooking time
INGREDIENTS:
3 tbsp. vegetable oil
¼ c. dehydrated onion, rehydrated as per package directions
½ c. TVP of your choice, rehydrated as per package directions
½ c. dehydrated bell pepper
¼ c. dehydrated jalapeño
1 tbsp. freeze-dried garlic
1 tbsp. cumin seed
3 tbsp. chili powder
½ tsp. cayenne pepper
2 c. water
¼ c. dehydrated celery
¼ c. dehydrated corn
¼ c. dehydrated diced tomato
1½ c. dehydrated beans, preferably a mixture, or 3 c. cooked/canned
1 tbsp. brown sugar
2 tsp. oregano
2 tsp. salt, to taste
1 × 28-oz. can crushed tomato, or 4 c. water with 4 tbsp. of tomato powder
4 tbsp. powdered sour cream
4 tbsp. freeze-dried cheese
METHOD:
Set up a cooking fire or other Stovetop Hack.
Heat oil in a large pot over high heat. Shake off as much excess liquid as possible from the rehydrated onion and TVP. Add the onion to the hot pot and sauté until it starts to brown—this typically takes longer than with fresh onion, about 5 minutes. Add the TVP and sauté until it also starts to brown, another 5 minutes or so.
Add the dehydrated bell peppers, jalapeño, and garlic to the pot and stir until fragrant. Push the mixture to the side and add the cumin seeds to the empty part of the pot. Toast until browned, stirring constantly, about 1 minute.
Stir the vegetables and TVP into the toasted cumin seeds, then add the chili powder and cayenne and stir until combined. Add 2 cups of water, then simmer for a minute or two until the liquid has reduced slightly.
Add the remaining vegetables, beans, brown sugar, oregano, salt, and canned tomato (or tomato powder and water, if using). Lower the heat and simmer for 30 minutes or until the beans are tender, adding more water in ¼-cup increments if the chili becomes too thick.
While the chili is simmering, rehydrate the sour cream and cheese (see Rehydrating Freeze-Dried Cheese, page 213).
Taste the chili and adjust seasoning if needed. Serve hot, topped with sour cream and cheese.
NOTE: If using any canned beans or vegetables, add to the pot only for the last 10 minutes of cooking.
VARIATION: LET’S HAVE A FIVE-WAY If you have instant ramen packets in your WSSH stores (which I hope you do; see The End of Ra-Man, page 80), then pay homage to our fallen comrades in Cincinnati and make it a “five-way”: Serve the chili up on plain cooked ramen noodles.
Don’t Let the Zpoc Be a Buzzkill
“I am such a zombie without my coffee”: a pre-zpoc cliché, a post-zpoc reality—well, for me and the millions of other coffee-addicted souls out there, anyway. Symptoms of coffee withdrawal can include headache, fatigue, sleepiness, difficulty concentrating, and general grumpiness—all major downsides when your world is teeming with zeds.
Even if you don’t have an outright dependency on the dark emperor, there are many upsides to stocking up: the obvious perks of heightened concentration and boosting of energy, the comfort to be had from a nice hot mug in your hands, the aroma, the taste—all of that. But perhaps most importantly, coffee is a majorly valuable barter item.
Now, getting your coffee stores in order is not quite as simple as going out and buying a bunch of #10 cans of Folgers, popping them into the storage space or basement, and patting yourself on the back for being a clever prepper. No, from both a shelf-life and quality perspective, you’d be far better off sourcing and storing green coffee beans, then roasting and grinding them yourself. Here is a rundown on how to do the long-term coffee storage thing.
BEANS
So, you can’t just pick up the pre-roasted, pre-ground stuff. You gotta get whole green beans. Why? Because all the flavor and character of coffee is in the precious oils locked into beans. The roasting process stimulates the release and development of these delicate and fleeting oils, which dissipate quickly after roasting. The grinding process further degrades them and expedites their evaporation. The release and evaporation of these oils happens in a process called off-gassing. In fact, vacuum-sealed ground coffee is actually allowed to go stale before packaging—otherwise the can would burst from the off-gassing.
Whole green beans (when stored properly; see below) will last anywhere from 2 to 5 years whereas a #10 can will last for at most 2 years and won’t be nearly as good as fresh roasted and ground beans. Plus, you’ll save scrilla on roasting and grinding the beans yourself.
STORAGE
Light, heat, moisture—green coffee beans are subject to the same vulnerabilities as most other foods in your WSSH. Store loose beans with oxygen absorbers in 5-gallon food-safe buckets lined with Mylar. You can also pack beans into small-quantity Mylar bags to avoid having to open a large quantity at once, then pack the Mylar bags into a food-safe bucket. Since green beans don’t off-gas, vacuum sealing is also an option.
ROASTING
In a world without electricity, there is really only one option for roasting beans—the low-tech and old-school method of using a skillet over direct heat.
Heat a dry cast-iron skillet over high heat to 500°F (put your oven thermometer in the pan if you have one; otherwise, see Judging Temperature, page 47), then add an even layer of beans. The process is akin to toasting nuts in a pan—they need to be watched at all times and stirred in order to get a nice, even roast. Keep stirring, and the beans will go through a noticeable progression: yellowing, steaming, first crack, caramelization, second crack, and darkening.
The beans are ready for consumption any time after the first crack, which is signaled by a fragrant steam and an audible crack coming from the beans and should take anywhere from 5 to 10 minutes. From here, experiment with varying levels of additional roasting to nail down your preference, but remember to keep a keen eye on your beans because, like nuts, they can go from perfectly roasted to burned very quickly.
Be sure to pull your beans off the heat before they reach the level of roast you actually want because the residual heat in the beans will continue to roast them even after they are off the heat. Dump them onto a cookie sheet or into a colander and continue to stir them until they are warm to the touch. The chaff should have fallen off the beans by this point, and you can just blow it off. The beans will reach their peak flavor about 24 hours after roasting, so start a cycle for roasting your coffee a day in advance.
A zombie apocalypse might not be what Mormons had in mind with the phrase “latter-day,” but you gotta give it up to them for their preparedness, a vestige of their pioneer past. Many Latter-Day Saint churches operate Home Storage Centers where church members and the general public can purchase foods such as powdered milk, dried beans, wheat, and rice at extremely reasonable prices then properly package them in vacuum-sealed pouches and #10 cans provided on-site for long-term storage. Home Storage Centers are scattered throughout the United States, with a few centers in eastern Canada as well. Visit providentliving.org for a list of locations.
CONSUMING
Grind your beans with a hand-powered grinder as needed. Not only will a hand-cranked grinder be kinder to the lovely flavor-producing oils, but it will help you develop extra forearm strength for fighting off them undeads.
You will also need a powerless method for brewing the coffee, preferably a French press, but a camp-style coffeepot works too. If you want to be precise, heat your water to 190°F for optimal extraction. Allow the coffee to steep for about 5 minutes before plunging or straining and consuming.
LIFE IS NOT JUST PEACHY-BLUEBERRY COBBLER
Got some freeze-dried fruit? Walkers still trying to eat you? Make some cobbler. Damn right.
YIELDS:
2–3 Hungry Survivor servings, 4–6 Regular Joe servings
REQUIRES:
Dutch Oven or rectangular metal pan (7″ × 11″)
2 large mixing bowls
1 small mixing bowl
1 mixing spoon
1 spatula
HEAT SOURCE:
Indirect, Dutch Oven or other Oven Hack (page 44)
TIME:
10 minutes prep
30–40 minutes unattended baking time
FILLING INGREDIENTS:
2½ c. freeze-dried peach slices
12 c. freeze-dried blueberries or other suitable companion, such as cherry or raspberry
3 tbsp. white sugar
1 tbsp. flour
1 tbsp. dried ground lemon peel
BISCUIT INGREDIENTS:
¾ c. plus 2 tbsp. all-purpose flour
½ tsp. baking soda
½ tsp. baking powder
8 tbsp. powdered butter
3 tsp. water
6 tbsp. granulated sugar
½ c. powdered scrambled egg mix reconstituted with 
c. water
¼ c. reconstituted buttermilk
METHOD:
Set up a cooking fire. When you have an ample supply of embers, preheat a Dutch Oven (if using) or set up another Oven Hack for 350°F baking (see Judging Temperature, page 47).
In a large bowl, reconstitute the freeze-dried fruit for about 5 minutes or so, then pour off the excess water from the fruit and save for later use.
Start the biscuits: In a small bowl, combine the flour, baking soda, and baking powder. Set aside. Reconstitute the powdered butter with 3 teaspoons of water in a large mixing bowl. It should have a thick texture similar to butter at room temperature. If it is too runny, add more powder to adjust. If it is too thick, loosen it with a few drops of water at a time. Add the sugar and beat by hand with a wooden spoon until light and creamy, about 3 minutes. Add the reconstituted scrambled egg and mix gently until blended.
Add the dry ingredients to the butter/sugar/egg mixture in thirds, alternating with the reconstituted buttermilk. After each addition, stir until all ingredients are just combined. You should now have a thick and scoopable biscuit dough.
Toss the fruit with the 3 tablespoons of sugar, flour, and dried ground lemon peel. Pour the fruit mixture into the Dutch Oven and spread evenly along the bottom. Scoop the batter onto the fruit mixture, trying to divide into 6 separate scoops (which will become 6 biscuits).
Bake for 30–40 minutes or until the topping is cooked through and browned and the fruit is bubbling.
Let cool for 15 minutes before eating, using that time to contemplate just how not peachy life is (though this cobbler sure is!).
PREPPER’S POLENTA CAKE
This dense and moist Italian cake features polenta (aka cornmeal) and breadcrumbs along with dried fruits and honey and has a texture similar to a clafoutis or bread pudding. Traditionally bustrengo was cooked in the embers of a fire after dinner, and you can achieve the same result in your safe house using a Dutch Oven or nestling a metallic baking pan into fire embers. And when wrapped, it keeps well, making it a good cake to pack for scavenging missions.
If you don’t have apples, raisins, and figs on hand, you can easily swap in other dried fruits.
YIELDS:
1 × 9″ cake
REQUIRES:
Dutch Oven or 9″ metal cake pan, lightly greased and floured
1 large mixing bowl
1 medium mixing bowl
1 whisk
1 wooden spoon or other stirring utensil
HEAT SOURCE:
Indirect, Dutch Oven or other Oven Hack (page 44)
TIME:
10 minutes prep
60 minutes unattended cooking time
INGREDIENTS:
c. polenta
1½ c. flour
¾ c. plain breadcrumbs
¾ c. sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 tsp. ground cinnamon
Equivalent of 3 large eggs, reconstituted and beaten lightly
¼ c. olive oil
½ c. honey, or 1 c. granulated sugar plus an additional 2 tbsp. of milk
2 c. reconstituted dried or UHT milk (see opposite page)
3 c. rehydrated freeze-dried diced apples, drained very well
6 oz. dried raisins
6 oz. dried figs (3 oz. rough chopped, 3 oz. sliced in half, tough stems removed)
tsp. lemon oil
1 tsp. ground lemon peel
Powdered sugar, for dusting
METHOD:
Set up a cooking fire. When you have an ample supply of embers, preheat a Dutch Oven (if using) or set up another Oven Hack for 350°F baking (see Judging Temperature, page 47).
Mix together the dry ingredients in a large mixing bowl: polenta, flour, bread-crumbs, sugar, salt, and cinnamon. Whisk together the eggs, oil, and honey in another mixing bowl until well combined, then add to the dry ingredients, mixing with a spoon or spatula until just incorporated. Add the milk and stir until smooth; the batter will be wet and relatively runny.
Add in the apple, raisins, chopped figs, lemon oil, and lemon peel. Stir until combined.
Pour the batter into the prepared Dutch Oven or other pan, then dot the top with the remaining sliced figs. If using a Dutch Oven, set the vessel on a thin bed of embers and heap additional embers onto the lid once closed. Bake for about 50 minutes to one hour, until nicely browned and firm to the touch.
Cool for at least 30 minutes before slicing. Serve sprinkled with powdered sugar if desired.
Zpoc Milk, Eggs, & Butter
It’s not quite as treacherous as a world rife with plague, death, decay, and flesh-eating corpses, but anyone navigating the world of powdered eggs and dairy will benefit from a few pointers.
TIP: Shelf lives are listed as “up to” because storage conditions will greatly impact the edible life of stored foods! See Tips for Long-Term Food Storage (page 215) for more.
MILK
INSTANT NONFAT POWDERED MILK
Instant nonfat powdered milk provides a decent drinking milk and can be used in all baking and cooking applications as a substitute for fresh. As compared to noninstant nonfat milk, this variety is easily dissolved in water for drinking, cooking, and baking. Shelf life: Up to 5 years unopened or up to 6 months after opening.
POWDERED MILK ALTERNATIVE
Powdered milk alternative is a whey-based powder and a good option in terms of straight drinking quality. Shelf life: Up to 15 years unopened or up to 1 year after opening.
NONINSTANT NONFAT POWDERED MILK
Noninstant nonfat powdered milk is best for cooking or baking applications in which you can add the milk powder to the dry ingredients and the water you need to reconstitute it to the wet ingredients, or where you can use just straight milk powder. You can drink it, but as the name suggests, it requires more time and effort in dissolving it for drinking. Shelf life: Up to 5 years unopened or up to 6 months after opening.
WHOLE POWDERED MILK
Whole powdered milk is the tastiest powdered option for straight drinking and easily dissolves in water but has a short shelf life of about 6 months because of its high fat content. If you can use whole powdered milk in day-to-day pre-zpoc life, and therefore rotate your stock over a 6-month period, it is worth having as part of your stored foods and is great for making fresh safe house cheeses (though it tends to taste rancid in harder cheeses). Shelf life: Up to 6 months unopened or up to 2 months after opening.
UHT MILK
UHT milk is a shelf-stable packaged liquid milk that has been heated to 280°F for 2 seconds, an “ultra-high temperature” treatment that uses a higher temperature and shorter time frame than traditional pasteurization. Additionally, UHT milk is often packaged in aseptic paper-based boxes. Though it doesn’t have as long a shelf life as most powdered varieties, it is by far the best in terms of taste and quality. Shelf life: 6–9 months until opened; in the absence of refrigeration, consume promptly once opened.
EGGS
EGG CRYSTALS
Egg crystals perform well in baking and other non-egg-centric cooking, but the place they really shine is in dishes where egg is the main attraction (read: omelettes, quiches, and scrambles). Shelf life: Up to 5 years unopened or up to 6 months after opening.
POWDERED EGG YOLKS & POWDERED EGG WHITES
Powdered egg yolks and whites are good for applications in which you might need one without the other—cakes or custards, for example. Powdered whites cannot, however, be whipped up to make meringue or other such air-filled eats. Egg yolks can be used in place of fresh for most applications: to make flourless chocolate cakes, egg noodles, or sweet doughs. They act as a decent emulsifier, too, for Bunker Mayo (page 227). Shelf life (yolks and whites): Up to 3 years unopened or up to 6 months after opening.
POWDERED SCRAMBLED EGGS
Powdered scrambled eggs are similar to powdered whole eggs, but typically contain additives (modified food starch, modified milk ingredients, artificial flavors, etc.) that are meant to help create a texture and flavor similar to fresh scrambled eggs. This is a product that varies widely in quality and tastiness depending on brand and manufacturer; though generally speaking, they do provide a more scrambled egg-like experience than scrambling whole powdered eggs. Shelf life: Up to 10 years unopened or up to 1 year after opening.
POWDERED WHOLE EGGS
Powdered whole eggs are the most versatile, as they can be used in place of fresh eggs in baking and cooking to make everything from cakes to omelettes. Shelf life: Up to 5 years unopened or up to 6 months after opening.
BUTTER
CANNED BUTTER
Canned butter is an option for long-term storage and slightly more convenient than powdered butter—just open the can and go. It is more expensive than its powdered cousin but as close to fresh butter as you are going to get in a bunker (unless of course you have cattle!). Shelf life: Up to 2 years unopened or 2–3 days after opening.
POWDERED BUTTER
Powdered butter only comes in one variety and is a perfectly acceptable substitute for the real thing during the zpoc. It is made by dehydrating fresh butter, and once reconstituted, it generally tastes and behaves like the real deal: It can be spread, melted, and used in any recipe calling for butter, though it does not whip up as well as normal butter when creamed together with sugar (like in Life is Not Just Peachy-Blueberry Cobbler, page 220). Shelf life: Up to 5 years unopened or up to 1 year after opening.
EVERYTHING’S GOING TO BE SALT COD KOROKKE
Korokke are the Japanese version of the French croquette or the Dutch kroket. They are a very popular snack food in Japan, available in butcher shops, supermarkets, bento shops, convenience stores, and even specialty korokke shops. I mean, who doesn’t love deep-fried mashed potatoes?
Salt cod is a versatile long-term storage ingredient (see Using & Storing Salt Cod, opposite) that can be used for protein in everything from pasta to soups to casseroles—including this recipe, a mash-up of the traditional North American salt cod cake and the Japanese korokke.
YIELDS:
2–3 Hungry Survivor servings, 3–4 Regular Joe servings (6–8 small cakes)
REQUIRES:
1 large saucepan
1 medium saucepan
1 small frying pan
1 wooden spoon or other stirring utensil
1 plate
1 spatula
HEAT SOURCE:
Direct, open flame or other Stovetop Hack (page 42)
TIME:
10 minutes prep
10 minutes attended cook time
INGREDIENTS:
1½ c. potable water
1¼ c. instant mashed potato mix
½ c. instant milk, reconstituted as per package directions
¼ c. powdered butter
6 oz. salt cod, rehydrated in water changed every 2 hours for 8 hours
1 bay leaf
¼ c. freeze-dried onion, rehydrated per package directions
¼ c. freeze-dried carrot, rehydrated per package directions
1 tsp. freeze-dried minced garlic, or ½ tsp. garlic powder
3–5 dashes of Tonkatsu sauce (or Worcestershire sauce)
Black pepper, to taste
Salt, to taste
Liberal amount of vegetable oil, for frying
1 c. flour, for dredging
1 c. panko breadcrumbs, for coating
2 powdered eggs, reconstituted per package directions, for dredging
METHOD:
Set up a cooking fire or other Stovetop Hack. In a large saucepan, bring water to a boil over high heat. Remove from heat, add the instant potatoes, and mix until incorporated. Add the reconstituted milk and powdered butter and mix until incorporated. Add more water or milk to adjust consistency, if needed—the consistency should be creamy but neither stiff nor soupy. Set aside.
In a medium saucepan, cover the drained salt cod with water. Add a bay leaf and bring to a very gentle simmer. Cook gently for 5 minutes—do not boil! It will create an awful stringy texture. Drain well, chop finely, and add to the potatoes.
In a small frying pan, sauté the onions and carrots until soft without taking on too much color. Add the garlic (straight from the package is fine here, no rehydration needed) and continue cooking until soft.
Salt cod, also known as bacalhau (Portugal) or baccala (Italy), is cod that has been preserved through salt and dehydration. It is a great long-term storage food because of its long shelf life and versatility.
Salt cod is used extensively in Nordic, French, Portuguese, and Italian cooking for soups, casseroles, spreads, and in the classic preparation of salt cod cakes, which gets a Japanese twist in the recipe here.
Be sure to source salt cod that has been completely dehydrated (moisture levels can vary). It can be stored wrapped in tinfoil in a dark, dry place for several years. Inspect each piece before using and discard if any discoloration, soft or moist patches, or strong unpleasant odors are detected. Rehydrate by covering with potable water and soak over several hours (up to 24 in cold ambient temperatures), changing the water every few hours.
Add the onions, carrots, garlic, Tonkatsu sauce, and black pepper to the potatoes and cod; mix until well combined. Taste and add salt if needed. Divide the mixture into 6 or 8 portions and form into cakes.
Return the medium saucepan to the heat and add enough oil for frying. Pour the flour and breadcrumbs onto separate plates or into shallow bowls and put the bowl with reconstituted egg between the two. Next, coat each cake in the flour, then egg, then panko. Test the oil with a sprinkle of breadcrumbs; when they sizzle vigorously, add the cake and fry until deep golden brown and crunchy—about 3 minutes per side. Serve with Bunker Mayo, below.
BUNKER MAYO
Another food you may have feared you would never see again once those rotting bastards took over the planet: mayonnaise. Oh, mayo. How many French fries have you upgraded? How many salad dressings have you jazzed up? How many egg sandwiches have you graced? And with this recipe you can now live on in all your saucy glory to bring a little light to the darkness of the countless bunkers and basements where this recipe will surely be made.
Or more simply: I love mayonnaise. You can make it from shelf-stable ingredients. And it actually tastes good. Bonus.
YIELDS:
¾ cup of mayonnaise
REQUIRES:
1 large mixing bowl
1 measuring cup
1 whisk
1 spatula
1 fellow survivor or a damp kitchen towel
TIME:
20 minutes attended prep time
INGREDIENTS:
1½ tbsp. egg powder
1 tbsp. water
1 pinch sugar
½ tsp. salt
1 tbsp. white vinegar
½ tsp. mustard, preferably Dijon, or equivalent of mustard powder
½ c. oil, preferably canola
METHOD:
Make a ring with a damp kitchen towel and place a large mixing bowl onto it to avoid slipping while you are mixing, or have a fellow survivor hold the bowl steady for you.
Add the egg powder, water, sugar, salt, vinegar, and mustard to the bowl. Whisk until well combined.
With one hand pour the oil into the bowl slowly (over the course of 2 minutes or so) in a thin stream while whisking very vigorously with the other. After about a minute or so, the mixture will start to thicken. The mixture should always look homogeneous—if it looks oily then you are adding the oil too fast and/or the mixture has broken. Stop pouring and whisk it until it is homogeneous again. When done adding the oil, taste and adjust seasoning if needed. Use immediately.
POWDERED FRESH CHEESE
Seems like an oxymoron, right? Well, it sort of is. But it works. You can make fresh ricotta-style cheese even when all the cows have gone wild and there isn’t a single drop of fresh milk in sight.
For the true-blue quesophiles out there, I should emphasize that this is a “ricotta-style” cheese—not a true ricotta. “Ricotta” means “recooked,” and a true ricotta comes from reboiling the liquid whey leftover from cheesemaking. While you do end up with whey when making cheese from powdered milk, in my experience it’s not all that great for making ricotta.
Use this extremely quick and easy cheese on Prepper’s Pizza (page 230), in lasagna and other pasta dishes, or in any number of other culinary uses. Because the coagulating agent in this cheese is vinegar, it has a slightly acidic taste, making it much better for savory (rather than sweet) applications—but it does take well to any and all forms of flavoring from herbs and spices you might have on hand.
YIELDS:
About 1 pound of cheese
REQUIRES:
1 medium pot or saucepan
2 large bowls
1 spatula or other tool for stirring
1 colander
HEAT SOURCE:
Direct, open flame or other Stovetop Hack (page 42)
TIME:
5 minutes prep
2 minutes attended cook time
INGREDIENTS:
¼ tsp. plus ½ c. oil, divided
½ c. white vinegar
2¼ c. noninstant milk powder
3 c. hot potable water
2 liberal pinches of salt, to taste
It’s no secret that processed foods (and therefore lots of shelf-stable prepper-friendly foods) generally contain a lot of sodium. Guess what? Sodium makes you thirsty. I will forgo an overly complicated scientific explanation and provide a food metaphor: You know how salt is used to pull the moisture out of meat when curing or drying it? Well, the same thing happens in your body. Once you’ve eaten salt, it is absorbed into the bloodstream via the small intestine. Your salty blood then tries to pull the moisture (water) out of cells, these cells give your brain the heads up, and then you feel thirsty. Pretty neat, right? Sure. But in a zpoc setting when water is at a huge premium, take it easy on the salt, OK? Look for low-sodium options in everything you decide to store and avoid oversalting your food. ’Cause a dehydrated survivor is a dead survivor.
METHOD:
Set up a cooking fire or other Stovetop Hack. Measure the oil and vinegar and set each aside so they are handy when you need them. Also have a bowl of water handy for rinsing in step 5. Add the ¼ teaspoon of oil to a medium pot or saucepan, and using a piece of paper towel or your fingers, spread the oil to just coat the bottom and sides of the pot. Set aside.
In a large bowl reconstitute the noninstant milk with the hot water, whisking until completely dissolved and smooth with no lumps remaining, about 2 minutes. Add the ½ cup of oil and whisk until well combined and no oil droplets are visible, about 2 minutes more.
Place the saucepan over medium-high heat until the oil is shimmering and just about to smoke. Do not use high heat— using a medium-high flame will allow the pan to heat up gradually and more evenly.
Remove the pan from the heat and, all at once, add the milk mixture to the hot pan. Add the white vinegar to the pot, pouring in a circle and zigzags to distribute evenly. Stir gently until the milk begins to coagulate, about 15–30 seconds. You will see the cheese curds begin to separate and will soon be left with an amber-colored whey.
As soon as the liquid in the pot looks reasonably clear (as opposed to cloudy) and amber, pour the curds into a colander over a bowl. Overcooking the curd will make it tough. Rinse gently with warm water to remove any excess vinegar.
Sprinkle the curds with salt (plus any other flavoring you’d like to include) and massage it in with your fingers. Use immediately.
RECOMMENDED READING: The first thing you should do if you happen to get your hands on some fresh raw milk (aside from washing them) during the zpoc is start making proper cheese! But making cheese from raw milk is a whole other ball game—a more complex but far more interesting and exciting ballgame. The possibilities abound when you can harness and cultivate the live and variable microbial communities that come along with fresh raw milk.
If you are keen on boning up on cheesemaking (or even just doing some interesting reading) pre-SHTF or while bugging in, there are many excellent books on the topic. Here are a few of my favorites:
Home Cheese Making by Ricki Carroll
The Joy of Cheesemaking by Jody Farnham and Marc Druart
Home Dairy with Ashley English: All You Need to Know to Make Cheese, Yogurt, Butter, & More by Ashley English
American Farmstead Cheese: The Complete Guide to Making and Selling Artisan Cheeses by The Vermont Cheese Council and Paul Kindstedt
PREPPER’S PIZZA
Everyone is going to miss pizza when the zombies take over. While you can use the Flour Tortillas (page 214) for a fast and easy pizza-esque face-stuff, this recipe includes instructions for making real-deal pizza dough. It takes about 2 hours to rest and rise, so factor that into your end of a long day of horde evasion dinner plans.
While freeze-dried cheese works just fine on this ’za, why not use some of that Powdered Fresh Cheese (page 228) you just whipped up instead? This is a simple pie that adds only mushrooms and seasoning to the mix. But as always, improvise ingredients based on availability and personal tastes—possibilities abound.
YIELDS:
2 Hungry Survivor servings, 4 Regular Joe servings
REQUIRES:
2 small mixing bowls
1 large mixing bowl
1 kitchen towel or other clean fabric
1 Dutch Oven, large baking sheet, or pizza stone
1 rolling pin
HEAT SOURCE:
Indirect, Dutch Oven or other Oven Hack (page 44)
TIME:
10 minutes prep
2 hours unattended rise time
10 minutes minimally attended bake time
DOUGH INGREDIENTS:
1 package active dry yeast (2 tsp.)
1 c. plus 2 tbsp. warm water, divided
3 c. all-purpose or bread flour, plus more for dusting
1 tbsp. sugar
1 tsp. salt
1 tbsp. extra-virgin olive oil, plus more for coating
Cornmeal for dusting
TOPPING INGREDIENTS:
½ c. dried mushrooms
2 c. Powdered Fresh Cheese (page 228)
¼ tsp. dried oregano
¼ tsp. red chili flakes
Salt, to taste
Olive oil, for drizzling
METHOD:
Make the dough: Add the packaged yeast and 2 tablespoons warm water to a small bowl, mixing to combine. Set aside. Measure out the flour, sugar, and salt into a large mixing bowl.
Once you can see bubbles at the surface of the yeast mixture (it should take 5 minutes or so), add it to the flour mixture, along with the remaining cup of water and tablespoon of olive oil. Mix gently until a ball forms. Turn the ball out onto a lightly floured surface and knead for 5 minutes until the ball is no longer soft and sticky but smooth and stretchy. Lightly grease both the mixing bowl and kneaded ball of dough. Let the dough rest, covered, in the bowl until it has doubled in size, about 1–2 hours.
In the meantime, start a cooking fire to generate embers for your Dutch Oven or for use with another Oven Hack.
When the dough has doubled, rehydrate the mushrooms by just covering with warm water in a small bowl for 5 minutes. When draining, be sure to shake off as much excess moisture as possible. Preheat a Dutch Oven or other Oven Hack for 500°F baking (see Judging Temperature, page 47, for more).
With lightly floured hands, turn the dough out onto a lightly floured surface. If the Dutch Oven or other equipment (baking tray or pizza stone) is not large enough to accommodate the entire ball of dough, divide it in half and make 2 smaller pies. Begin shaping the ball(s) by hand into a disk, then use a rolling pin to roll out to desired thickness—if the oven rig is really hot, make the dough fairly thin so it can cook through without burning. Using your hands, you can form a thicker crust around the edges of the dough if you desire.
Sprinkle the inside of the preheated Dutch Oven or other baking surface with cornmeal and transfer the crust onto it. Moving quickly (and carefully!), cover the crust with the fresh cheese, then distribute the mushrooms evenly on top. Sprinkle on the oregano, chili flakes, and salt. Drizzle with olive oil. Bake, heaping the lid of the Dutch Oven with embers, for 5 minutes or until the crust is golden and the mushrooms are slightly browned.
NOTE: If using your own “wild yeast” or levain (see When the Yeast Runs Dry, page 90), adjust your recipe to: 1 cup levain, 1 cup flour, 1 teaspoon salt, and 1 teaspoon extra-virgin olive oil and proceed as directed.
