ABA (Applied Behaviour Analysis) 163–5, 223–5
acceptance
ACT meaning 75
stage of grief 11
as value 213
see also expansion; resilience
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
acceptance 75
areas of effectiveness 16
clarifying values 136
concept of 5
diagnostic labels 119–20
forgiveness 168–71
fusion and defusion 48–51
mindfulness 19
resources 226–7
values 144
workshops and training 229–30
ACT see Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
actions
plan for 217–22
vs thoughts 150–1
advantage see ‘privilege’
advice
lacking compassion 29–30
timing of 31–2
‘Allow Your Emotion’ exercise 86
anger
controlling 68
mind’s role 39
‘not good enough’ story 92
purpose 79
resentment 167
stage of grief 11
‘stories’ about 45
underlying fear and love 106
unjustified 65–7
anxiety, curiosity about 83
Applied Behaviour Analysis (ABA) 163–5, 223–5
appreciation
lack of 22
auditory neutralisation techniques 207–8
autism
author’s and son’s experience 194–5, 198–9
author’s reaction to diagnosis 10–11, 72–3
coping with diagnosis 162–6
diagnostic labels of 120
son’s diagnosis 10–11
B
‘bargaining’ stage of grief 11, 12
‘Be Like A Tree’ exercise 40–2
‘Be Present’ exercise 99
beating yourself up 33–4, 98, 106, 117, 126, 169, 170
behaviour and values 136–7
benefit (‘privilege) 20–3, 179–86
Bible 60
Blind Men and the Elephant story 4–5
blue-ringed octopus analogy 77–8
body, relating to 152–5
‘Breathe Into Your Emotion’ exercise 85–6
breathing
exercises 61–4, 85–6, 185, 209–11
spirituality and 60–1
Buddhism 19
C
Cairns, Darin 165
calmness 62
caring
for children 146–7
emotions and 199–201
results of 134
see also self-compassion
centering 62
change, accepting 175–6
changing a bad situation 157–9
‘Changing Scenarios’ exercise 206–7
children
death of 15
love for 146–7
presence and 195
‘special needs’ 224–6
choices 161–2
closing the gap strategy
‘Drop the Anchor’ 14
‘Find the Treasure’ 14–16
‘Hold Yourself Kindly’ 13–14
‘Take a Stand’ 14
‘Clouds in the Sky’ exercise 207
cognitions see ‘stories’ comfort food 69, 72
common humanity 107
compassion
amidst pain 140–1
expressions of 28
result of 134–5
timing of comments 31
‘Compassion for the Younger You’ exercise 103–4
‘Compassionate Hand’ exercise 34–6
‘Computer Screen’ exercise 205–6
confidence, resources for 227
connection
amidst grief 15
exercise 40–2
interpersonal 153–4
loneliness 117–18
love and 146
with our experience 39–42
with our mind 152
relationships 148–9
as value 144–5
‘contribution’
to children 147
control
or be controlled 68–73
by our emotions 74–5
strategies 88
‘creating a space’ 72
curiosity
connecting with 153
daily practice 88–9
healing role of 83
as value 213
D
Davies, William Henry 187–8
death
child 15
dealing with 23
facing own 58–9
inevitability 3
reality gap 12
self-blame 34
defusion
exercises 203–8
from labels 120
main strategies 203
naming thoughts 56–9
process of 48–51
relationships 149
steps 54–9
‘denial’ stage of grief 11
‘depression’ stage of grief 11, 12
detachment 53–4
see also defusion
diagnostic labels 119–20
disconnection
loneliness and 117–18
from patients 133
Doctor, The (movie) 133–4
‘Drop the Anchor’ exercise 112
‘Drop the Anchor’ strategy 14, 61, 111–22, 166
E
Elephant and Blind Men story 4–5
emotions
accepting 78
exercises 84–7
mindfulness 87–9
modifying 82
observing 79–81
opening up to (‘expansion’) 73–6
painful (see pain)
physical effect 79
relating to 153–5
treasuring 201
engagement see presence
exercise, healthy use of 70–1
exercises
‘A Compassionate Hand’ 34–6
‘Allow Your Emotion’ 86
‘Be Like A Tree’ 40–2
‘Breathe Into Your Emotions’ 85–6
‘Changing Scenarios’ 206–7
‘Clouds in the Sky’ 207
‘Compassion for the Younger You’ 103–4
‘Computer Screen’ 205–6
‘Drop The Anchor’ 112
‘Expand Your Presence’ 86–7
‘Finding Appreciation’ 183
‘Four-step Experiment’ 73–4
‘Karaoke Ball’ 206
‘Leaves on a Stream’ 207
‘Mindful of Sounds’ 190
‘Mindfulness of the Breath’ 209–11
‘Name Your Emotion’ 85
naming stories 93–4
‘Notice Your Emotion’ 84–5
‘pause, breathe, notice and name’ 93–4
‘Presence with People’ 192–3
‘Presence with Pleasure’ 193
‘Self-compassion’ 99–102
‘Singing’ 208
‘Slow and Fast’ 207
‘Take a Beath’ 61–2
‘The Sweet Spot’ 142–3
‘Thoughts on Paper’ 204–5
‘Expand Your Presence’ exercise 86–7
‘expansion’
application 77–89
basis of 78–9
definition 72
relationships 149
vs acceptance 75
external fulfilment 3
F
fear
controlling 68
curiosity about 83
‘depression’ stage of grief 12
‘not good enough’ story 116
purpose of 79
‘stories’ about 45
underlying anger 106
‘feel good’ activities 70
feelings see emotions
‘fight-or-flight’ response 111
‘Find the Treasure’ strategy 14–16
‘Finding Appreciation’ exercise 183
‘five stages of grief’ 11–12
‘flight’ response 111
forgiveness 168–71
‘Four-step Experiment’ exercise 73–4
Frankl, Victor 182
frogs, sound of croaking 191–2
fulfilment
amidst grief 15
external 3
increasing 186
need for change 175
relationship with self 32
sense of purpose 132, 135, 136
fusion and defusion 48–51 see also defusion
future, pre-judgement of 92
G
giving up 159–60
goals
vs values 136–7
Greek mythology 60
grief, five stages of 11–12
guilt
curiosity about 83
reality gap and 111
H
Hayes, Steven C. 5, 106, 115, 116, 188
helplessness 14
His Master’s Voice logo 45
‘Hold Kindly’ exercise 100–1
‘Hold Yourself Kindly’ strategy 13–14
holding on 62–4
honesty as value 146
human condition, reflecting on 107
I
improvement 91
inner fulfilment see fulfilment
insensitivity towards patients 133
intention see purpose intimacy
father’s fear of 172–5
fear of 92
J
judgements 90–6
K
‘Karaoke Ball’ exercise 206
kindness
amidst pain 140–1
see also self-compassion
Kübler-Ross, Dr Elisabeth 11
L
labels 119–20
learning from bad experiences 196–201
‘Leaves on a Stream’ exercise 207
Leisure (poem) 187–8
‘letting go’ 62–4
Levi, Primo 181–2
‘Lisa and the Frogs’ story 191–2
loneliness
curiosity about 83
examining 117–18
Lovaas Program 163–4
love
explaining 146
as goal 136–7
underlying anger 106
as a value 215
M
meaning
sense of 80
meaninglessness 131–2
mind
accepting 15–16
effect of evolution 94–5
hijacking our attention 38–9, 42, 44–9
negative reactions of 32, 33–4
noticing activity 54–7
noticing voice inside head 93–4
reaction to envy and jealousy 116
reaction to pain 18–19
refusal to appreciate 179–81
relating to 152–5
resistance to change 176
response to mistakes 97–8
response to presence 37
training 52–3
see also thoughts
mindfulness see presence (mindfulness)
‘Mindfulness of Sounds’ exercise 190
‘Mindfulness of the Breath’ exercise 209–11
N
‘Name Your Emotion’ exercise 85
naming
emotions exercise 85
thoughts 55–9
Neff, Kristin 107
negative thoughts 12, 27, 52–4, 92, 95
neutralisation techniques 59, 204–8
‘not good enough’ story 90–6, 121
author’s thoughts of son 194
envy and jealousy 114–17
labels 119–20
loneliness 117–18
perfectionism 126
‘Notice Your Emotion’ exercise 84–5
noticing
act of 23
of activity 55–9
art of 50–1
exercise 84–5
voice inside your head 43, 93–4
O
online resources 228
‘Open Up’ exercise 100
openess
connecting with 153
need for 172
opening up see expansion
opportunity, making use of 194
P
pain
acknowledging 15
being present (see presence (mindfulness))
controlling methods 73
finding the treasure beneath 14–15
as ‘gift’ 196–7
learning from 197–201
minimising 27–8
nature of 107
others’ response to 27–32
purpose and 140–9
past
accepting 168–9
judgement of 92
‘pause, breathe, notice and name’ exercise 93–4
perfectionism 126
physical afflictions, response to 82
playground experience 194
pleasure 215
positive thinking 22, 29, 52–3, 92, 95, 196
possessiveness 115–16
presence (mindfulness)
ACT meaning 5
act of caring 83
connection (see connection)
description 17–19
dropping the anchor 112
exercises 86–7, 98–104, 190, 192–3, 209–11
half-present 188
intimacy 172
meaningful activities 88
moments of 189–91
‘not good enough’ story 95–6
with pain 37
with people 192–3
with pleasure 193
practising 193–4
purpose and 132–3
with sounds 190
sustaining 125–6
values 215
‘Presence with People’
exercise 192–3
‘Presence with Pleasure’
exercise 193
procrastination 151
Ps, three see three Ps
purpose
actions v. thoughts 151–2
author’s own 133–5
clarifying 95–6
definition 19–20
identifying 131–9
love and 146–7
pain and 140–9
relationships and 147–9
R
reality, acknowledging 11
reality gap
defined 1–4
feelings caused by 2
finding purpose 138–9
immediate response to 32
instant creation 90
life around the gap 180–2
mind’s reaction to 18–19
need for action 40–2
preparing for 141
‘purpose’ and 20
reacting with 121
self-defeating behaviour 97–8
situation causing 12–13
standing up to 156–7
strategies for closing (see closing the gap strategy)
regret, curiosity about 83
Relational Frame Theory (RFT) 164–5, 225
relationships with our body 152
with our job 154–5
with our mind 152
with ourselves 32
personal 153
presence in 195
purpose and 147–9
religion 60
curiosity about 83
entrapped by 167–71
resilience (‘Resilience Formula’) 157–66
Leave the Situation 157
Stay and Accept What Can’t Be Changed 159
Stay and Change What Can Be Changed 157–9
Stay and Give Up Trying 159–60
respect 137
responses, others’ 27–31
retreat 156
RFT (Relational Frame Theory) 164–5, 224–6
‘right’ 144
rules vs values 137–8
S
sadness
after significant loss 111–12
curiosity about 83
self-compassion
envy and jealousy 116
exercises 33–7, 42, 99–102, 103–4
finding 33–7
forgiveness 168–70
holding yourself kindly 13–14
kindness and presence 98–108
need for 32–3
practising 105
presence (see presence (mindfulness))
two main elements 37
self-defeating behaviour 97–8
self-forgiveness 168–70
self-help
books 3
popular approaches to 13
self-kindness see self-compassion
self-regard 32
sensations
recognising 79–81
understanding 83–4
showering, mindful when 18
‘Silly Voices’ exercise 207
‘Singing’ exercise 208
Skinner, Burrhus Frederic 17, 21
‘Slow and Fast’ exercise 207
‘SMART’ goals 218
‘smoky haze’ 46–51
solitude 117
sorrow see sadness
space, creating 172
‘Speak Kindly’ exercise 101–2
spirituality
breathing and 60–1
as life value 216
‘Stay and Accept What Can’t
Be Changed’ 159
‘Stay, and Change What Can
Be Changed’ 157–9
‘Stay and Give Up Trying’ 159–60
Stevenson, Robert Louis 42
stillness 62
‘stories’ 44–5
author’s own 122–4
detaching from 53
explanation of term 44
‘not good enough’ (see ‘not good enough’ story)
strategy for closing the gap
see closing the gap
strategy
suffering see pain
suicide 131
support 216
support groups 196
survivor guilt 34
‘Sweet Spot’ exercise 142–3
T
‘Take a Breath’ exercises 61–2
‘Take a Stand’ strategy 14
temper tantrums 66–7
thoughts
detachment from 53–4
naming 55–8
positive 22, 29, 52–3, 92, 95, 196
‘psychological smog’ 46–9
reaction to pain 19
relating to 150
strategies for relief 69
unhelpful 43–8
vs actions 150–1
see also mind; ‘stories’
‘Thoughts on Paper’ exercise 204–5
‘Three Pillars of Love’ 146–7
‘three Ps’
dealing with death 23
exercises 183–5
presence 17–19
privilege 20–1
purpose 19–20
use of 21–3
timing of comments 31
training in ACT 229–30
Twenty-two Blind Men and the Elephant story 4–5
understanding by others 31–2
urges 80
V
values
accepting what can’t be changed 159, 161
ACT meaning 5
author’s choices 162
goal-setting 158
identifying 217
purpose in life 20
understanding concept 136–9
virtues 144
visual neutralisation
techniques 204–7
W
willingness 161–2
Wilson, Kelly 141
work, relating to 152–5
workshops 229–30
‘wrong’ 144
Z
