19

Coping with anger

Strong feelings of anger are common in depression. Freud believed that unexpressed anger actually causes depression, as if anger can be turned inwards. He thought that people are angry with themselves to avoid being angry at others on whom they may depend. As we saw in our chapter on self-criticism, there can be a lot of self-directed anger and frustration in depression. However, we now know that, in some depressions, people become more angry and short-tempered with others, not less. In some of our own research we found women become angrier with themselves as they become depressed but men become angrier with themselves and others.¹ When we feel angry and on a short fuse it is often those weaker than ourselves that get it.² People can also be very fearful of their anger.³

There are four domains of coping:

• the anger that others direct at you.

• the anger you (want to) direct at them.

• the anger you see others directing at each other (e.g., children watching their parents fighting).

• the anger you direct and feel for yourself.

What triggers anger?

Anger is often related to feeling frustrated, blocked, thwarted, ignored or criticized. Something or someone is not as we want it or them to be. In evolutionary terms, anger gives us the energy to overcome the blocks to our goals, or to fight harder (counterattack) in a conflict situation. Thus, anger can be a natural response, although unpleasant and undesirable.

Examples of some of these are threats, damage or losses to:

• our sense of self (be this physical or self-esteem)

• relationships and possessions that are important to us

• our plans and goals

• our way of life.

Obviously our sense of control is important here, and anger can be a way to try to regain control. It can rise quickly in us before we have much chance to think about it – thus the value of practising mindfulness.

Frustration

Frustrative anger occurs when things in the world don’t go as we want them to – e.g., the car won’t start in the morning so we can’t get to work on time. Stress and depression can lower our tolerance for frustration and thus increase our susceptibility to feel anger. When stressed, we may feel generally more vulnerable to things that can damage or block us, and there are also some basic self-beliefs that can affect our tolerance for frustration – for instance, ‘This shouldn’t happen to me’, ‘This is going to seriously interfere with or block me in what I want to do’. Time pressures and things going wrong unexpectedly can lead to the familiar flush of irritable anger. Don’t I know that one! However, people who are going to be able to cope with such things as the car not starting will note the flush of anger, and then quickly turn to coping (e.g., get a taxi). Those of us who struggle will personalize and may feel ‘let down by the car’ (how could you do this now!) and have a tantrum.

Coping then is making a commitment to try to cope with your anger in the following ways:

• Note the flush of anger as it arises in you.

• Break your focus (e.g., by switching to soothing breath ing).

• Hear that kind voice of understanding in your mind.

• Recognize that anger is a perfectly understandable feel ing (don’t self-blame and start battling with yourself), but is not helpful in this moment.

• Keep in mind that it is not personal – it happens to other people too.

Really focus on coping and what is going to be helpful to you right now; for example, do you need to take yourself away from the situation (or person) until you are calmer; do you need to seek help?

Injury

We can feel anger when others pose a threat to us or injure us in some way. Physical or verbal attacks can lead to feelings of anger. Anger is likely to be greater if we think the injury was deliberate, or the result of carelessness, than if we think it was unintentional or unavoidable. The anger that we feel towards an intentional injury can be revenge, and the impulse is to harm (counter-attack) the other person verbally or physically. These feelings are common in group conflict and war. Even when people rationally realize that cycles of vengeance are doing no one any good, it can be hard to stop. Coping is similar to the above: noticing anger arising and then shifting attention, and making clear in one’s mind that anger is not a good place to be acting or thinking from – don’t forget that this takes practice though, so go easy on yourself but try your best.

Exploitation

A very common theme in anger is exploitation. This is when we think someone is taking advantage, using us or taking us for granted. As we have seen, most of us have a desire to feel appreciated and for relationships to be equitable. Be it in child–parent relationships, between friends and lovers, or even between countries, perceptions of being exploited or taken advantage of can lead to anger and its consequences. Assertiveness and dealing with the issue at hand are often important.

Lack of attention

Anger can arise when others don’t give us the attention we want. They may ignore us or dismiss our point of view. For example, Emma wants Chris to spend more time with her and help around the house, but he says that he’s too busy. Or maybe Chris says he will help but does not keep his promise. Emma feels angry with Chris. However, with this kind of anger, we rarely want to harm the other person, but rather behave (e.g., scream and shout) so that they don’t ignore us. We want to renegotiate our relationship, not necessarily destroy it. Sometimes this requires a steady and constant compassionate addressing of the issues.

Envy and jealousy

This kind of anger arises when we think that someone is getting more of something desirable than we are. Linda thought that she would win the beauty contest, but she didn’t, and she felt envious anger towards the winner. In envy, we want what someone else has, be this material possessions, a position in society, a popular personality, intelligence and so on. In jealousy, we think that someone we value might prefer to be with a person other than ourselves – for example, a married woman shows an interest in another man and her husband has pangs of jealousy. This type of jealous anger (if expressed) acts as a threat to the woman, suggesting serious consequences if she were to cheat on or leave her husband. Sexual jealousy is more likely to arise for someone who sees their lover or partner as a possession. Jealous people can also be very insecure and may come from backgrounds of sibling rivalry or having to ‘battle’ to win parental attention.

Lack of social conformity

This anger relates to the feeling that others should do as they are told. Parents become angry with children who disobey them. A religious person becomes angry if the members of his church do not obey the rules. We may become angry with our government over how they spend our money. The basic belief here is, ‘Others should conform to and obey the rules of conduct that I believe are important’. The anger occurs because, in some way, we see the other person’s conduct as potentially damaging to our own interests or way of life.

Sympathetic anger

This is when we feel anger by seeing harm come to someone else – for instance, when we see people starving and feel angry that this has been allowed to happen. The anger fuels the desire for us or others to do something.

The helpful and the unhelpful

There are two aspects common to all these situations: first, things are not as we want them to be; and second, we place a high value on the things that we are angry about. In helping ourselves with our anger, it is possible that we may discover that we are overvaluing something, drawing conclusions about a situation that may not be warranted or seeing more potential damage in a situation than there is. Anger can be very helpful because it alerts us to things that we need to defend or change. People can be inspired by anger (at, say, injustice) to change things, or to have their voices heard. It is usually when anger involves ill-will or desires to cause harm that we have problems – and of course this ill-will can be directed at oneself.

The shades of anger

Anger itself is not all-or-nothing, black or white – it is more shades of pink to red. For example, imagine a line that starts off white and gradually becomes pinker until the other end is red. At the white end, there is no feeling at all, nothing matters. At the other end, one is enraged. The trick is to be somewhere along this line where you can keep control, but not in the white area or the red area. Anger is like a car that we need to learn how to drive. You don’t want to drive everywhere at 100 miles an hour, but neither do you want to leave the car locked in the garage because you are frightened of driving.

Sometimes depressed people do not know how to drive their anger. They continually lock it up and enter only as far as the vaguely pink area – at least as far as expressing their anger goes. This may work if you are confident in doing that and don’t need to show your anger. But it is not so good if you do need to reveal it and feel weak and inferior if you back down too quickly. If you feel that your anger tends to get out of control, you can learn other strategies. Here are some to think about.

• Learn to become more aware of anger arising in you, and your trigger points.

• Recognize when you feel your anger is more in control than you are.
  Note that this is not your fault, but you need space not to let the sparks of anger get fuelled by your thinking or behavior – so learn containing skills such as:

• Learn to break contact with others if anger is too hot. ‘Look, I’m going for a walk as I need to calm down a bit – sort my head out.’

• Practise being compassionate to your anger (not self-critical or condemning) while practising your anger coping skills as best you can.

• Practise switching your attention to your breathing or compassionate self or image.

• Not matter how silly or difficult it feels, create a compassionate smile on your face.

• When you are able, explore your thoughts and see if you can bring more balance to them.

• Avoid self-blame, condemning and self-retribution.

Anger is often defensive, in the sense that we are defending ourselves against a block to something or from criticism or being ignored or dismissed. When we behave defensively we often go for ‘better safe than sorry’ thinking, and our emotions are triggered quickly (see Chapter 2). This is why many psychologists think that beneath the veneer of our anger we feel vulnerable – not someone who is confident or strong.

Why anger expands

Why can anger feel so powerful? Why does it hit the red zone? It is not uncommon to find that what triggers anger can seem quite trivial. We might suddenly find that we are seething with anger over rather small events. It appears as if our anger has expanded. In some depressions, there are ‘anger attacks’, when people find themselves enraged for reasons they can’t put their finger on. Some researchers believe that, in some cases, anger attacks are to do with the depression itself (and the biological changes associated with it). Some people on certain antidepressant drugs can experience increases in irritability – for others they are more calming. If you find that you have become far more irritable and angry since starting an antidepressant, go back to your family doctor, who may recommend a change in medication.

There are also psychological reasons for ‘blowing up’ over a trivial event. Let’s think about the example of Emma and Chris given on page 444. Suppose Emma says to herself, ‘If Chris really cared about me, he would help with the housework’. Clearly the anger is not just about the housework but about the fact that Chris’s lack of help is being taken as a lack of caring. Emma may also feel taken for granted. Thus, what seems like a trivial event actually has a much larger meaning.

When you think about the things that make you angry, it is useful to ask yourself some questions – invite your anger to speak to you, as it were. Okay anger, now . . .

• What is it about this situation that I really value and feel could be damaged?

• Let’s suppose I cannot change the situation. What does this say about my future.

• What am I saying about me if this (the source of the anger) happens? Am I drawing negative conclusions about myself?

• What am I saying about the other person? What motives am I reading into their action?

Another question that can be very useful is to ask is, ‘In what way does this situation hurt me?’ In depression, as a rule, it can be helpful to focus on the feelings of hurt rather than on the anger. If we focus on the anger, we could miss the fact that it relates to feeling vulnerable or damaged in some way. Indeed, by being angry we can sometimes block out deep fears of being abandoned, ignored and hurt. Behind anger in depression can be a lot of hurt, a need to grieve for past hurts and problems of shame. If we can work through the grief, the anger and the depression may subside.

If we focus on our hurts rather than on our anger, we might gain more insight into our anger. In Emma’s case (see page 444), she saw that she believed that Chris’s lack of help had the extra meaning of ‘not being cared for’, which led to the idea that maybe he did not value her or thought she was not worth caring for, which led to the idea that maybe he was right. This sensitivity may be from the past (e.g., feeling parents or friends did not care enough) but the key is that when Emma reflected compassionately she worked this out for herself. She realized that caring was not ‘all-or-nothing’ and that there were in fact many other instances that showed that Chris did care.

So our anger can expand when we overestimate the damage that can be done to us. Here’s another example. Derek was working on a project that required help from others. However, they did not finish their own work on time and he became furious. His thoughts were, ‘If I don’t get this project in on time, that will be a very bad mark against me’. He had a fear of being seen as inadequate by his boss. ‘They are making me look incompetent to my boss. This could affect my chances of promotion. Therefore, these people, by not doing their work on time, are shaming me and ruining my whole future.’

When Derek focused on his own fear of shame, he began to see that he often got angry with anyone who might ‘show him up’. This led him to consider why the approval of those in authority (mostly men) mattered so much to him. This in turn revealed the poor relationship he had had with his father and his belief that, ‘I must please those in authority, otherwise they will be angry and ignore/discount me’. These thoughts ignited many of the feelings and fears he had as a child. His anger was powerful because of the meanings he put on the situations that triggered it. Later, Derek was also able to see that his belief that ‘his whole future would be ruined’ led to a high degree of anger.

Derek learned to deal with his anger by making a number of flash cards:

• When I feel anger, I need to slow down and monitor my thoughts.

• If I don’t slow down and monitor my thoughts, I am likely to see many events as a re-run of my childhood.

• When I get angry, I often overestimate the damage that can be done to me.

• What is the evidence that this situation is damaging? How can I cope with it by getting less angry?

• I don’t have to feel ashamed by every block or setback.

Having the flash cards gave Derek that extra bit of space to avoid letting his anger run away with him. It helped him to take his foot off the accelerator. It’s not magic but it is a help. You might want to write some out for yourself like Derek’s.

Robert became enraged when he went to a hotel and found that he had been put in the wrong room and the young receptionist didn’t seem to care. He ended up telling her that he didn’t think the hotel should employ people like her. When he got to his room, he felt ashamed and depressed about his over reaction, sat on his bed and burst into tears. What had happened here? Later in therapy he was able to work out his thoughts as the following:

• Why can’t people get things right?

• This receptionist obviously sees me as a fool and a soft touch.

• If I were manly I would sort this out without any difficulties.

• People should respect me and not treat me this way.

• I must be seen as a weak, useless bastard.

• That’s not fair – I’ll show her that I’m somebody to be reckoned with.

Of course the anger is more of a rapid ‘whoosh’ than built up thought by thought – but the thoughts show us what is in the anger. In a few seconds the problem had grown out of all proportion and had become a question of respect, manhood and being seen as a soft touch. The receptionist’s attitude had triggered Robert’s underlying fear of being someone not worthy of respect and of his sense of inferiority – all of which he defended with rage.

Later, while still sitting on the bed, he recognized that he had behaved aggressively to the receptionist. He then thought:

• I’m losing control.

• What’s happened to me? I used to be caring of others.

• Maybe I’m just a selfish person who has to have his own way.

• I am unlovable and bad for being like this. I hate myself for being like this.

So we can see how Robert’s anger expanded because he had overestimated the damage to his self-esteem and had believed that this was a test of his manhood. In fact, it is not uncommon to find that depressed people can have rages and then feel intensely unlovable and hate themselves for it – they feel angry with themselves for being angry.

George became enraged with another driver while driving with his family. His children were frightened and started to cry so he screamed at them, too. Later, he felt ashamed and guilty. He thought that he had ruined their day and was a horrible man to ‘go off like that’. At 3 a.m., feeling alone and unlovable, he started to think that they would be better off without him and contemplated suicide. George’s anger was a sign that he was not coping and was feeling very vulnerable underneath the rage. He was in a depressed brain state, where anger is far more easy to activate. When things are tough like this, it is the very time to be gentle with ourselves. Indeed, the tougher things are, the more powerful compassion can be. Being kind to ourselves for being a little upset is one thing, but if we can be compassionate when we have a rage then that is powerful. Remember, this is not ‘letting ourselves off the hook’. Indeed, sometimes we will feel more upset at the upset we have caused others when we give up self-blame and focusing on ourselves. We are kind because we mean to heal ourselves, and make genuine amends for any hurt we have caused.

So, understanding the values you place on the things that make you angry is a first step. Then consider the ways that you feel hurt and vulnerable. If you sometimes feel that you lose control, avoid globally attacking yourself and instead look for alternatives. The following are the ones that Robert eventually came up with for himself:

• Okay I did go off the deep end and that is disappointing.

• However, I know that I’m not always or even usually like this.

• I need to recognize that I’m under stress right now and that my life is not easy, so my frustration tolerance is low.

• I need to learn to back off when my feelings are hitting the red zone. However, a low frustration tolerance does not make me a bad person – even if some of my actions are undesirable.

• I will help myself if I learn to be more assertive rather than aggressive. If I label myself as bad, I will only feel much worse, and when I feel bad and ashamed of myself, my frustration tolerance level goes down further.

• I can forgive myself for this, apologize to the hotel assistant if I need to and move on. Hating myself is failing to treat myself with compassion and recognize the stress I’m under. If I treat myself better, I’m more likely to treat others better.

You may have noted that the anger in the various examples outlined above could also be seen as ‘shame anger’. The anger acts as a defensive measure against being put down, feeling small, discounted or rejected. Indeed, in situations when you feel anger, it is always worth thinking that shame may be part of your feelings. You can get into shame/anger spirals where you are angry at being shamed and ashamed of being angry. The first step to get out of this is to avoid attacking yourself (see Chapter 13).

Shoulds and oughts

One reason why we can feel anger is when we are using ‘shoulds and oughts’. Robert, in the example above, had thought, ‘Others should not behave this way’. Unfortunately, we can’t write the rules for how other people will behave. If we are not careful, we can get stuck and simply go over and over in our minds what another person should or shouldn’t do. A couple of times I have noticed my anger arising in airport queues, and my thoughts of, ‘These queues are ridiculous, it’s sheer incompetence; no one cares; they treat us like cattle’ and so on. I don’t like being trapped in queues – it’s rather claustrophobic – so that fear can fuel my anger. Of course my anger does no good to anyone, and certainly not me or my blood pressure. I have to try to switch attention to the soothing breathing, create the compassionate smile, note how others are caught here too – it is not personal. One notices the anger and then makes the choice to try to refocus one’s mind on helpful thinking for one’s own good. At times, ‘shoulds’ are related to other thoughts, such as ‘If X loved/respected me, he/she should/shouldn’t’. You can work on these ideas by telling yourself:

• I would prefer that others did not do this.

• However, I cannot write the rules for their conduct.

• Each person is free to behave in their own way.

• If I don’t like the way they are behaving towards me, I can learn to be assertive and put my point of view.

• I do not have to personalize every conflict situation and see it as a personal attack on my worth, selfhood, manhood or whatever.

Who is to blame?

In depression people frequently feel bad about themselves for getting angry. How can you treat yourself kindly if you have become so angry? Again, we need help from the compassionate/rational mind. It may help us with such thoughts as:

• It is indeed upsetting to become very angry.

• It may mean that underneath I am feeling very vulnerable.

• However, my anger doesn’t make me completely unlovable as a person – that would be overgeneralizing, thinking in all-or-nothing terms and self-labelling.

• It is this particular action at this particular time that was rather harsh.

• Remember the times that I’ve been caring and not angry and how it’s possible to do positive things for myself and others.

Sometimes, if we have been angry (especially with children), we feel so guilty that we think we have to make it up to them and start to allow them to do things that we would normally not allow – because of guilt. However, this can backfire because the children, being children, might start to take advantage of the situation, which can trigger our anger again. If necessary, apologize for your action and then work on gaining more control over it rather than acting out of guilt.

Hatred

Sometimes, because we believe that we have been very hurt or damaged, anger turns to hate. Then the desire is to harm others, and this can be frightening. Bella came to hate her mother because of a very physically and emotionally abusive past. She felt that her mother had ‘an evil tongue’. She had fantasies about stuffing a pillow in her mother’s mouth and watching her choke to death. However, she was desperate to be loved, and she took her hatred and murderous thoughts as evidence that she herself was evil. Her thoughts were:

• Hatred is bad.

• I should not feel like this.

• It is abnormal; others don’t feel like this.

• I must be bad/evil for feeling hate so strongly.

• I can’t reveal to others the depth of my feelings because they will think that I am evil, too.

• I hate myself for hating.

Her doctor, who had been treating her with drugs, had no idea of this inner life. This is not surprising, for such hate-anger is often not revealed if there is strong fear or shame associated with it. Bella was able to begin to challenge these thoughts and ideas:

We all have the capacity for hatred – it is not itself abnormal. Indeed, sadly, history shows the consequences of hatred, so there have been many who have felt like me. I am not abnormal. To call my hatred ‘evil’ is all-or-nothing thinking and self-labelling, and leaves out the hurt I have felt because of what happened to me. I did not wake up one day and think that it would be a good idea to hate my mother. These feelings have come from a lot of painful experiences, and it is understandable for me to hate someone who has hurt me so much. However, I do need to learn how to work with my hatred and come to terms with it. I need to learn how not to hate myself for hating. This is because my hatred hurts me and holds me back in my efforts to get well.

Avoid brooding

Brooding and ruminating is bad for our brains (see page 28). If we think about what anger is designed to do, and recognize that one of its functions is to help us to fight harder, we can see the danger of brooding on angry thoughts.¹ These turn on our threat self-protection fight/flight system, when stress hormones and other chemicals are pumped around our bodies, which become tense and alert. However, if no ‘fight’ or ‘flight’ happens, these chemicals can get up to mischief.

Allen was asked to take early retirement, and a new manager started to undo all the changes that he had introduced in his section. He had various arguments with his boss, but all to no avail. Allen became depressed and had serious sleep difficulties. I asked him to monitor his thoughts when he woke in the middle of the night. These turned out to be: ‘The bastard. After all the years that I have worked there and this is how they treat me. There must be some way I can stop them. I can’t just roll over and let this happen.’ When these thoughts began to run through his mind, he became quite agitated and would pace about the house, going over and over them. If his wife tried to calm him down, he would snap at her and then feel guilty. Then he would say to himself, ‘They’re even breaking up my relationship with my wife’.

My discussion with him went something like this: ‘When you have these thoughts, they activate your primitive fight/flight system and that’s designed to hype you up – to fight or to run away. However, you’ve done what you can and there seems to be no way that fighting can help you now – especially at three in the morning. You’re left in a hyped-up state that has nowhere to go except in pacing about and snapping at your wife. You’ve recognized that, in reality there is not much you can do.’ Allen reluctantly agreed. ‘So we have to find a way for you not to activate your fight/flight system because it drives you into depression.’

As Allen came to understand the processes that he was activating in himself, he was ready to start to explore alternatives. We wrote out some flash cards for him to read if he woke early:

• I am disappointed with this situation, but I have to face the fact that I have done my best and this is the way of the future.

• I have given the company many good years, and it has not been too bad really. I can be proud of that.

• Perhaps the time has come to let go and think about the next phase of my life.

• All these thoughts of fighting and getting my own back only hype me up and to no real purpose.

We might also care to reflect on a more Buddhist or philosophical view that all things are impermanent, nothing stays the same; the sea continually moves and if we try to stop things changing then we are on to a loser. Sometimes letting go (and grieving if we need to) can be one of our most important life tasks – and a tough one. With Allen we also examined the advantages and disadvantages of taking early retirement, including the fact that he would have more free time and that it would probably be better for his health. Once Allen let go and gave up fighting an unwinnable battle, he was free to explore other strategies – such as how to get the best deal for his retirement. It was not easy, but a year later, he told me that it had been the best decision he’d ever made.

So the key issue is to avoid brooding on anger. Work out strat-egies for coping. If there are things that can be done, do them. If there are others who can help you, seek their help. But brooding on injustice, going over the same ground over and over again, does not help. Giving up an unwinnable fight is one strategy, but at other times you may need to learn how to become more assertive and stand your ground (see Chapter 20).

Anger to avoid pain

Caroline was angry with her parents because she thought they did not love her enough. As long as she felt angry, she avoided the great sadness and need to grieve that were underneath her anger. Anger gave her some feelings of power. Sadness and grief made her feel very vulnerable.

Anger can be used to prevent the recognition of being hurt, but it is often hurt and shame that need healing and this often involves sadness. Some people may imply that all you need to do is to get your own back on the person who has harmed you or to stand up to them. However, although this can be helpful it is not always so. Underneath, we still have a wish to be loved and approved of. I remember a patient who had done quite a lot of work with another therapist on learning to stand up to her abusive parent and express her anger. However, despite this, she was still depressed and mistrustful. What she had not done was grieve for her lost childhood or allow herself to feel and accept the feelings of vulnerability in grieving.

You see, there are always two parents inside us. There are feelings and memories of the one we actually had, but also the desires, fantasies and hopes for the one we wanted – that ideal protective, loving, caring parent. We can work on coming to terms with the abusive parent and our anger with them, but we also need to work on grieving and letting go of the parent that we always wanted. We can do this by using our inner images and practise becoming the compassionate self – or sometimes through new loving relationships.

In working with anger in depression (and I stress ‘anger in depression’ because not all anger is like this), it is sometimes important to find someone who will help you move through the grieving process. In grief, we acknowledge our pain and vulnerability. In the grieving process itself, anger is often the first or a very early response – but we have to work through this stage rather than get stuck in it.

Bypassed anger: 10 common reasons for avoiding anger

Sometimes people try to avoid feelings of anger altogether. If you bypass anger, you might go straight to feeling hurt, but also feel a victim, a powerless subordinate. You will also bypass becoming assertive (see Chapter 20). You may feel that you have no power to do anything about certain situations. You might think that you feel hurt because you are weak, and you may not be able to focus on the fact that it is at least partly the attitude of the other person that is the cause. It is important to recognize your hurts without, at the same time, becoming a powerless victim.

Here are 10 self-beliefs that may stop you from exploring your anger and learning how to use it in an assertive way. Following each one, I offer some compassionate alternative ideas.

1: Others are more powerful than me. I will never win in conflict with them.

Compassionate alternatives: It’s not about winning and losing. Even if I don’t achieve the outcome I want, it is helpful to try to put my point of view. If I tell myself that I have to win, otherwise it’s pointless, I am defeating myself before I start. If I attempt to put my point of view, at least I will have tried. Trying to be assertive means that I am less likely to be angry with myself if I don’t get the outcome I want.

2: I learned in childhood that anger is bad.

Compassionate alternatives: Because my parents could not cope with my feelings of anger does not mean that anger is bad. Anger is part of human nature, and it can be useful. If we never felt angry about things, would we be motivated to change anything? Anger is really important because it reveals where I am hurting and what I value. True, aggression and lashing out are not good, but anger turned to assertiveness has many uses. Although my parents taught me that anger is bad, they may not have taught me how to be assertive. Perhaps they did not give me any positive ways to deal with conflicts – maybe the problem was that they did not know themselves. I need to learn this for myself.

3: When I am angry, I am bad and unlovable.

Compassionate alternatives: Of course, I might prefer never to be angry but that’s not possible. In that moment, feelings of love might not be there, but that is like a storm that comes and goes and meanwhile the sky remains itself. To say that I am unlovable is all-or-nothing thinking and self-labelling and discounts the positive aspects of my life. When I think of being unlovable, I may be thinking of being unlovable to someone. Who is the person I feel unlovable to? If it is my partner, I can think of it this way: relationships are like boats. If my boat can only sail in a calm bay, it is not much of a boat. We need boats that will not capsize even if a storm blows up. If I see myself as unlovable when I feel angry, I am also saying that my relationship can’t cope with the odd storm – but, in fact, clearing the air and being honest and frank with my partner is likely to strengthen my relationship, not ruin it.

Of course, it is true that, at the moments of conflict, you are not sharing loving feelings, but love is like the climate; it remains no matter what we do. Anger and conflicts are like wind and rain – they come and go. Just as one thunderstorm does not change a climate, so your anger does not make you unlovable. You can learn to survive conflict.

4: When I am angry, I am being disloyal.

Compassionate alternatives: Blind loyalty is rarely helpful and it is better to develop openness and respect. If I am respectful then I am also honest – because one can’t be respectful in being dishonest about one’s feelings. To feel disloyal is linked to guilt (see Chapter 18) but this does not mean I do not care for the other person. I also need to think if I am actually worried about being rejected for rebelling! Sometimes, when I confide in people I trust – about the anger I feel towards others close to me – I can have strong feelings of being ‘disloyal’. However, confiding in others might help me to get my anger in perspective. If the person I am angry with has done things that have hurt me, keeping them hidden is really colluding in a secret rather than showing loyalty. I confide in others because I want to sort out my feelings. It is understandably difficult if I feel that I am ‘breaking loyalties’. However, remember that people have done all kinds of bad things out of loyalty. If I show compassion, I can try to change things in a different way.

5: I must not hurt others.

Compassionate alternatives: Deliberately hurting others is not, by most people’s standards, a moral thing to do, but the anger we are talking about here is not like that. Rather, I want to use my anger to draw attention to the fact that something is causing me pain or hurt, and change it. I have no wish to harm others just for the sake of it, but to help them see how they are hurting me and to stop them doing it. In this sense, my anger is defensive. Others are far less likely to be hurt if I explain my position and show respect for them rather than attacking them. It is also the case that I can’t be held responsible for everyone’s feelings – that’s giving myself too much power. In any case, I might, in the long run, be more hurtful to them and our relationship if I am not honest with them about my feelings. Think in terms of respectful rather than hurting anger. This is not an excuse to act out whatever emotions I fancy – I will try to be emotionally polite as well as honest – thus as with all things it is a matter of balance.

6: I can’t stand the feelings of anger.

Compassionate alternatives: Angry feelings can be frightening if I am not used to feeling them. I may block my angry feelings if I feel that I might lose control. However, I am far less likely to do this if I learn how to be assertive (see Chapter 16). Learning how to mindfully ‘be with’ my anger and learn acceptance and tolerance means that it will no longer frighten me and that will help me greatly.

7: I might lose control and damage people.

Compassionate alternatives: It is my responsibility not to do that. So I need to consider a number of things. First, am I seeing my anger as more damaging than it is? Am I secretly telling myself that I am a very powerful person and that everyone around is so fragile that they could not possibly cope with my anger? If so, I can try to think of the reasons why I might wish to believe that. Then work out the evidence for this belief and the evidence against it. Lashing out at people – going into the red zone – is not a good idea, but this is no reason to avoid being assertive with others. Let me think about times I have been angry but in control. Let me make a commitment to myself to stay in control but not in a way that simply silences me. Like driving a fast car, I can learn to drive at different speeds as are appropriate – I have just got to give myself a chance to learn. If I do go OTT and say hurtful things then I need to be honest about that, recognize my fallibility, also apologize and try to repair the harm I have done (see Chapter 18).

8: I might lose control and make a fool of myself.

Compassionate alternatives: It may be that I am prone to feeling shame if I express my feelings, so I can work on that. It may also be true that if I become very angry, I might say things that I do not mean or become tongue-tied. The main thing is to try to focus on the issue, that is the message I want to convey, rather than my anger.

If you have become angry, find out if you are having self-critical thoughts and calling yourself names (e.g., ‘I’m stupid,’ ‘I’m a fool’). If so, recognize this is all-or-nothing thinking and discounting the positive aspects of your life. It would be helpful to remind yourself that your anger is one element that you might wish to change, but it does not make you a fool or stupid. We can all do and say foolish things from time to time – but we can also learn to tolerate and forgive ourselves for them.

9: I only feel I have a right to be angry if I am 100 per cent sure that I am in the right.

Compassionate alternatives: There are few things in life where one can be 100 per cent right. This is all-or-nothing thinking. Maybe no one is right or wrong, but everyone has a different point of view. Sharing these differences can be a source of growth. In any case my anger cannot be stopped simply by saying I have a right or I don’t. I can also keep in mind that even if I feel I have a right to be angry, it does not mean anger is a useful response – sometimes forgiveness is.

10: I would be ungrateful or selfish to show anger.

Compassionate alternatives: ‘Selfish’ is, of course, a self-label and I am probably discounting all those times when I have given of myself. Even if I feel grateful to someone, this does not mean that there cannot be disagreements between us. I can show gratitude when the situation warrants it, but positive things can be achieved in not hiding my discontent.

Be cautious not to let your gratitude turn into a trap of obligation, for then you may feel more resentful.

Acknowledge if your anger is upsetting to others

Not so long ago when I was a stressed and my father had just died, I lost my temper big time with my computer at home which had suddenly decided it wasn’t going to receive any e-mails or save files. I was under time pressure to get to work. In my explosion I said some very naughty words and threatened to completely kill, destroy and smash my poor computer that had been working well for years. Hearing this explosion of rage was of course very upsetting for my wife. Then I rushed out of the house and drove off far too fast – again, rather upsetting for my wife. A mile down the road that little voice kicked in, ‘Gilbert you asshole! You are not supposed to get angry like that. Good grief – and you’re writing a chapter on anger too – it was very upsetting to Jean – how could you!’ However, thanks to my practice I think, I found there was a compassionate voice which soon recognized that I was actually quite distressed and simply said, ‘You’re very distressed right now, it’s not your fault (and that felt sad then), but do pull into the side of the road, phone Jean and apologize and let her know your are okay.’ So I did, and felt better. The point of the story is that is helps if we can quickly go to the compassionate self as anger arises in us and then behave as best we can. It is not easy, but if you’re kind to yourself and own up to hurt if you have caused it, this will help you.

Overview

Anger is one of our main threat self-protective defensive emotions. It’s one of our big emotions in our brain and therefore is easily aroused and can be tricky to control. This is not our fault at all, but it is important to learn how it is triggered in us and how to exert control. It might be linked to things from our past, the beliefs and attitudes about ourselves and other people we are carrying. We may use anger to avoid feelings of hurt, or to keep people away, or even to test them out.

Whatever the reasons for having difficulties with anger, and depressed people often do, the task is to be gentle with yourself about the problem and then think about how you can learn to manage your anger by either becoming more assertive or working on the things that make you angry. As with all of the ideas we are exploring together, be compassionate with your anger but at the same time do the best you can to work with it in a helpful way.

KEY POINTS

• Anger is part of life and can be aroused in situations when we perceive actual or potential damage to something we value.

• In depression, we can become too angry and ‘blow up’, or we can hide our anger.

• We may resort to rather underhanded ways to avoid open conflict, get our own way or get revenge.

• Anger is very often related to shame – our greatest rages often occur in situations where we feel shamed, whether we recognize it or not.

• At times it is important to consider whether we are overestimating the amount of damage that can be, or has been, done (e.g., to self-esteem).

• Anger itself is not all-or-nothing, and it is useful to learn how to control it rather than allowing it to control us or locking it away.

• Brooding on anger leads to an aroused (hyped-up) state, which is often very unpleasant and not helpful.

• There are a number of primary self-beliefs that make anger difficult to deal with because they do not allow it to be worked through and it stays hidden.

EXERCISES

Exercise 1

Write down your thoughts about the last time you became angry. Ask yourself questions like, ‘What am I saying about this event?’ ‘What implications am I drawing?’ ‘What do I think this event (or the other person’s attitude) says about me?’ ‘What am I saying about myself?’ When you have written down some of your thoughts, explore whether you are engaging in any of the following: all-or-nothing thinking, overgeneralizing, discounting the positives, thinking in ‘musts’ or ‘shoulds’, and so forth (see Appendix 2).

Let’s work through the example of Emma becoming angry with Chris over him not helping with the housework. The following are her main thoughts and the possible coping responses she came up with:

• I’m always left with the housework while he goes off with his friends.
  Well, actually he does help sometimes. I am overgeneralizing here. And I am ignoring some of the other positive things he does to help. Still, I do feel strongly that he should do more. I need to sit down with him to talk about it – when I don’t feel so angry and upset.

• This is really unfair. If he cared about me, he would help out.
  Is doing housework the only sign of caring? Chris is behaving in a way that is traditional for males. His father was the same. I may not like it, but I may be exaggerating if I think this shows that he doesn’t care about me. I need consistently to point out that this is a concern to me so that he can learn to change.

• He takes me for granted.
  I might feel taken for granted, but is this true? What evidence is there for and against this idea of being taken for granted? It might just be thoughtlessness and the need to help him be more attentive.

• Maybe that’s all I’m good for. If I was more lovable, he would be more attentive.
  I recognized a problem about who does the housework. However, I’m going to feel much worse if I start to think Chris’s lack of interest in housework is a lack of interest in me. It is this blaming myself and feeling unloved that is making me depressed. It could just as easily be a typical male attitude. I need to train him!

Exercise 2

If you tend to become too angry, try to spot the danger signs early. Think back to the last time you were angry.

• What was going through your mind? What were your early feelings? Was there any build-up to it? Could you spot the danger signs – feelings of getting wound up? If so, learn to say to yourself, ‘I am entering my danger zone and need to back off – keep my distance’. If you find yourself getting too angry, move away from the other person. Blowing up at others is not helpful. However, if it is appropriate, come back to the issue that was behind your anger when you feel calmer. Don’t avoid the issue but avoid the strong anger that might lead you to say things you later regret.

• Use the ‘count to 10’ approach. If you suddenly feel very angry, stop, then count to 10 slowly, then take a deep breath and change your facial expression. Learn to avoid acting when you have hit the red zone. You may also try leaving the room. The key idea is to distract yourself, and give yourself time to calm down sufficiently to stay in control.

• If any of the ‘10 common reasons for avoiding anger’ (see pages 460-6) apply to you, make your own flash cards and try generating compassionate alternatives to these thoughts. Think of the advantages and disadvantages for changing them.

• If you are frightened of the feelings of anger, try expressing anger when you are alone. Get a rolled-up newspaper, stand by the side of your bed and hit your bed with it. As you do, speak (or shout) your thoughts about your anger. Allow yourself to feel your anger. Remind yourself that no one can be hurt by this exercise – the point of it is to help you become less fearful of the feelings of anger. When your anger has subsided, you may wish to cry. Allow yourself to do this. Then, and most importantly, before leaving the room lie on your bed and carry out a compassionate exercise. Think to yourself, ‘This anger episode is over and I will let it go’. Imagine a stormy sea that becomes calmer. The idea is to recognize that you can become angry but will also calm down. Learning how to do this is important, because it helps you avoid brooding on your anger.

• At the end of the exercise, note that you were able to become angry and to calm down afterwards – imagine your compassionate image and feel warmth and kindness for you. Remind yourself anger is a part of us that’s difficult, that’s why we have compassion for it (we don’t need compassion for things that are easy!). Over time, you may learn that the feelings of anger themselves need not be frightening, even though they may not be pleasant. But you were able to control your anger by directing it at the bed. This exercise is not designed simply to release anger but to allow you to experience it without fear. Go step by step, and learn that, even when you are very angry, you can still stay in control of your feelings. This is to help you become less frightened of your anger but it does not ignore the issue that you may need to explore what is causing your anger. Is it possible you’re getting to boiling point because you find it difficult to be assertive in small ways?

• When you feel calmer, write down what you said when you were angry – what went through your mind? Explore to see if some of your thoughts were extreme and should be challenged. The next stage may be to recognize where you are hurting and what your anger is about. Then use your compassionate exercises from Chapter 8 to work on those issues.

 

20

From anger to assertiveness and forgiveness

We now need to think about what we can do when we feel angry given that, in depression, anger is often related to hurt, vulnerability or feeling blocked. What are compassionate ways to express and deal with the things that are linked to our anger? One way is to develop assertiveness.

Assertiveness

What is assertiveness?

Research has suggested that assertiveness is related to many types of behavior. Willem Arrindell and his colleagues in the Netherlands suggest there are at least four components to it:¹

1  Display of negative feelings. The ability, for example, to ask someone to change a behavior that annoys you, show your annoyance or upset, stand up for your rights, and refuse requests. This is what most people are thinking of when they talk about ‘being assertive’.

2  Expressing and coping with personal limitations. The abil ity to admit to not knowing or uncertainty about something rather than feeling ashamed to admit to it. Assertiveness also links to the confidence to acknowledge making mistakes, and to accept appropriate criticism. This aspect of assertiveness also covers the ability to ask others for help without seeing this as a personal weakness.

3  Initiating assertiveness. The ability to express opinions and views that may differ from those of others, and to accept a difference of opinion between oneself and others.

4  Positive assertion. The ability to recognize the talents and achievements of others and to praise them, and the ability to accept praise oneself.

Assertiveness is practising how to be open and honest as well as able to offer personal views and values and reach out to others. Assertiveness takes practice, and we can feel more confident in some situations and with some people than with others.

Non-assertive, aggressive and assertive behavior

When people have problems in acting assertively, they are either highly submissive, fearful and prone to back down when faced with conflicts, or may become overly dominant and aggressive. Table 20.1 outlines some differences between non-assertive, aggressive and assertive forms of behavior, showing the contrasts in non-verbal behavior, feelings and thoughts.

Interestingly, non-assertive (submissive) and aggressive people can share similar beliefs. For example, both can think in terms of winners and losers. Aggressive people are determined not to lose or be placed in subordinate positions – ‘I’m not going to let them win this one’. Depressed people can feel that they have already lost and are in a subordinate position – ‘I can’t win’, or ‘I always lose’. Sometimes this seems like a replay of how they experienced their childhoods. Parents were seen as powerful and dominant and they (as children) felt small and subordinate. Depressed people can, however, be aggressive to those they see as subordinate to themselves (e.g., children). The important thing is to remind yourself that while it might have been true that, as a child, you were in the subordinate position, you don’t have to be now. You can look after yourself and treat others as your equals. You are an adult now. You might use the motto, ‘That was then. This is now’.

TABLE 20.1 NON-ASSERTIVE, AGGRESSIVE AND ASSERTIVE FORMS OF BEHAVIOR

Non-assertive	Aggressive	Assertive
Looks down or backs away	Stares and ‘looks’ angry, threatening	Meets eye contact but avoids ‘the angry face’
Tries to signal ‘no threat’	Wants to signal threat – to be obeyed	Wants to signal ‘listen to my point of view’
Allows other to choose for self	Chooses for (and imposes on) self and others	Tries to reach agreement
Feelings
Is fearful of the other	Is angry or enraged with the other	Tries to control both anger and fear
Hurt, defeated	Feels a victim and sense of injustice	Recognizes that one can’t have everything one wants
Thoughts
My view is not important	My view is the most important	All views have a right to be heard
I don’t deserve to have this need, want or desire	My wants and needs are more important than other people’s	Each person’s needs and wants are important
I will lose	I will (or must) win	It is preferable for no one to win or lose but to work out how to give space to each person
I am inadequate or bad	I am good and in the right	Right and wrong is all-or-nothing thinking and labelling. It is preferable to work out what the issues are rather than labelling or attacking the person or oneself
Just here to please others	Others should do as I want	We should try to please each other in a mutually sharing and caring way
Self-attacking	Other-attacking	Avoids attacking

One way to feel more equal to others is to notice the ‘all or nothing’ of your thinking (powerful/powerless, strong/weak, winner/loser) and by considering that, ‘It is not me against them. Rather, we each have our own needs and views’. To be assertive, then, is to not see things in terms of a battle, with winners and losers. This may mean that you have to be persistent but not aggressive. The angry-aggressive person wants to win by force and threat; the assertive person wants to achieve a particular end or outcome and is less interested in coercing others or frightening them into submission – and will often accept a fair compromise.

A second aspect of assertiveness is that it focuses on the issue, not the person. To use a sporting metaphor, it involves learning to ‘play the ball, not the player’. In this case we speak of our wants or hurts without alarming others or employing condemning styles of thinking. For example, these are typical responses of someone who is angry and aggressive towards someone else:

• You are a stupid person (all-or-nothing thinking and labelling).

• You are always so thoughtless (overgeneralizing and discounting the positives).

• I can never trust you (all-or-nothing thinking and discounting the positives).

• You are a selfish bastard (just about all the styles!).

Of course we might all think these things, and say them too, but the point is to maintain our wish to find more compassionate ways to deal with things that upset us. Don’t blame yourself, but refocus on your goal. Note that all these statements attack the other person, rather than addressing a specific issue or behavior. When people feel attacked, they tend to go on to the defensive. They lose interest in your point of view and are more concerned with defending themselves or counter-attacking. The assertive response focuses less on threatening or attacking the other person but more on specific issues, explaining our feelings and concerns and the quality of our relationships with others. Thus, in acting assertively we would explain in what way a particular action or attitude is hurtful. For example:

• When you ‘behave’ in that way, I feel hurt because I think that you don’t care about me (you make clear your thoughts and concerns).

• If you ‘say’ things like that, I feel you are discounting my point of view.

• I feel much happier when you ‘behave’ like this (. . .) towards me.

• I accept that you feel like that, and understand why; however, my point of view is this.

Can you see the steps here?

1  Acknowledge your anger.

2  Recognize in what way you feel hurt (and, of course, try to discover if you might be exaggerating the harm or damage done).

3  Focus on what this hurt is about and your wish to have the other person understand your feelings and your point of view.

4  Don’t insist that the other person absolutely must agree with you.

In assertiveness, we remain respectful of the other person. Winning, getting your own back or putting the other person down can have a negative outcome. In fact, even if you are successful (i.e. you win), the other person may just feel resentful and wait for a chance to get their own back on you! Winning can create resentful losers.

Avoiding spreading guilt

One word of warning. When you acknowledge your hurts assertively, this doesn’t include making the other person feel guilty or ashamed. Sometimes people don’t want to share with others what they want to change, but just want to make the others feel bad. When they discuss the things they want to change, they do it in a rather whining, ‘poor me’ way. Or they may say, ‘It’s all your fault that I’m depressed’. They may think, ‘Look what they’ve done to me – I’ll make them feel guilty for that. Then they’ll be sorry.’ This is understandable but not helpful. Getting your own back by trying to make people feel guilty is not being assertive. You may at times wring concessions from others, but usually people feel resentful if they have to give in because they have been made to feel guilty. I am sorry to say that some depressed people can do that – and children of depressed parents testify to it. All we can do here is be honest and try to spot our unhelpful behavior and change it.

Sometimes we might even do things to ourselves to try to make the other person feel guilty. After an argument with her mother, Hilary went home and took an overdose. Later she was able to recognize that she had been angrily thinking, ‘She’ll be sorry when she sees what she made me do’. Nobody can make us do anything – short of physical coercion. It was Hilary’s anger that was the problem. Her mother had been critical of her, but at the time Hilary had not said anything, although she had felt anger seething inside her. Her overdose was a way of trying to get her own back. With some courage and effort, Hilary was able to be assertive with her mother and could say things like: ‘Look, Mother, I don’t like the way you criticize me. I think I’m doing an okay job with my children. It would help if you focused on what I do well, not on what you think I do badly.’ This took her mother aback, but after that, Hilary felt on a more equal basis with her mother.

Sometimes depression itself can be used to attack others. Hilary also came to realize that, at times, she did feel happy but refused to let others know it. She wanted to be seen as an unhappy, suffering person, and that this was other people’s fault and they should feel sorry for her and guilty. It was also an attempt to evoke sympathy from others – although it rarely worked. She had the idea that, if she showed that she was happy, she would be letting others off the hook for the hard times she had had in the past.

Sometimes there is a message in our depression. It may be to force others to look after us, or it may be to make them feel sorry for us. We find ourselves turning away from possible happiness and clinging to misery. Somehow we need someone to recognize our pain, apologize, or maybe feel sorry for us or rescue us – and we are not going to budge until someone does. It can be helpful to think carefully about how you want others to respond to your depression. It can be a hard thing to do, and you might see that sometimes we use our depression to get our own way or get out of doing things. Try not to attack yourself about this; you are far from alone in doing it. Your decision is whether to go on doing it or whether you can find other ways to make your voice heard. Using your own rational and compassionate mind can help you move forward.

Turn away from sulking

Another non-assertiveness problem is sulking, or passive aggression. In sulking, we don’t speak of our upsets but close down and give people the ‘silent treatment’. We may walk around with an angry ‘stay away from me’ posture, or act as if we are really hurt, to induce guilt. Indeed, our anger is often written all over our faces even as we deny that we feel angry. We have to work out if our sulking is a way of getting revenge on others and trying to make them feel guilty. Are we sulking in order to punish others? Always be kind to your sulking – but recognize it as a rather stuck state. Try to work out why you act that way. What stops you from being more active and assertive? What would you fear if you changed and gave up sulking?

You may feel powerless to bring about changes. This may be because you believe that direct conflict would get out of hand, or to show anger is to be unlovable, or because you think you would not win. However, sulking does have powerful effects on others. Think how you feel when someone does it to you. The problem with sulking is that it causes a bad atmosphere and makes it difficult to sort out problems. When you sulk, you give the impression that you don’t care for others. Sulking is likely to make things worse. Another problem is that sulking often leads to brooding on your anger. The more you do this, the more you will want to punish others.

You’ll find that, if you can learn to be assertive and explain what it is that you are upset about, you will feel less like sulking. It might be scary, but the more assertive you are rather than sulking, the more powerful you will feel. If in a sulk, be mindful – stand back from your feelings and how your body is pushing you to act and see what happens if you view those feelings compassionately – don’t fight ‘the sulk’ but compassionately steer your way out.

Anger at failed assertiveness

A common occurrence is that we can become angry with ourselves for not being assertive. We have probably all had the experience of getting into a conflict with someone and not saying what we wanted to say. Then later, maybe going over it in bed that night, we feel very cross for not standing up for ourselves. We feel that we have let the other person win or get away with something. Afterwards we think of all kinds of things that we could have said but didn’t think of at the time. Then we start to brood on this failure to be assertive and our self-criticism can really get going.

Roger was criticized in a meeting, which he felt was mildly shaming. He actually dealt with the situation quite diplomatically but, in his view, did not defend himself against an unfair accusation. Later that night and for a number of days afterwards he brooded on his failure to say what he had really wanted to say. These were his thoughts about himself:

• There you go again – letting people walk all over you.

• You never stand up for yourself.

• You’ve shown once again that you’re made of mush.

• You’ve failed again.

• You’re a really weak character.

Roger had a strong ideal of himself as a ‘person to be reckoned with’, but of course, he rarely lived up to this. As in the case of Allen (discussed on pages 457–8), who had to take early retirement, when Roger was out of the situation he started to activate his own internal fight/flight system and brooded on what he wished he had said. At one point, he had fantasies of revenge, of physically hitting the person who had criticized him. As with Allen, Roger’s thoughts led to some agitation.

The following are alternative coping thoughts that Roger could have considered:

• First be understanding and compassionate to the distress.

• That was unfair of Harry to be critical of me, and upsetting. It is very understandable for me to feel like this, as no one likes to be criticized and I’ve always been a bit shy.

• However, my disappointment at not saying more has turned into an unfair self-attack which is not kind or helpful to me.

You will be aware by now that the most damaging aspects of Roger’s internal attack were the thoughts of having failed and labelling himself as weak. These thoughts placed him in a highly subordinate position and were quite at odds with his ideal self (see next chapter). They activated a desire for revenge. Because of the way our brains work, it is quite easy to get into this way of thinking if we feel that someone has forced us into a subordinate position. We have to work hard to be compassionate with ourselves. Here are some alternative coping thoughts that can interrupt this more automatic subordinate thinking style:

• By globally labelling myself as weak, I feel bad. This is all-or-nothing thinking and ignores the positive aspects of my life. It makes me feel much worse. I was criticized - unfairly, in my view – but this is not the same as being ‘walked all over’.

• It may be true that I need to learn how to be more assertive, but this is going to be hard to do if I take each failure to assert myself as evidence of weakness. There are many areas of my life where I have shown some courage, but in any case, conflicts are often complex and cannot be reduced to simple ideas of weak/strong. Other people later agreed that the criticism was unfair, so they don’t see me as weak.

• If a friend had been in a similar situation, I would not have attacked him or her in the same way that I attack myself – for I know that this would have made him or her feel much worse.

Read these through again but this time with as much warmth and understanding as you can muster. Do you notice how it feels when you put warmth into it? If we approach the problem compassionately and think about what would be helpful, we might identify a need to use assertiveness. We could then plan what we wanted to say (but didn’t) and calmly try it out. The problem for Roger was that he never tried assertiveness but only felt disappointed with himself and then became angry. He never gave himself the chance to improve his assertiveness.

You can use these basic ideas in all kinds of relationships, including of course close ones.

Forgiveness

There is much research showing that learning forgiveness, and working through the difficulties of forgiving, helps our mental health.² If we carry a lot of anger for people we feel have hurt us in the past then this anger can sit in our minds and we often return to it – constantly stimulating our threat system. Deciding to walk the path to forgiveness can be a major way of moving forward. There are many aspects to forgiveness that we need to clarify. One cannot ‘make’ oneself forgive and sometimes we need time to heal – so no ‘I should’ or ‘I ought’ here. Forgiveness is about taking the steam out of one’s anger to others and in so doing no longer filling one’s mind with angry, vengeful or victim thoughts. It is not about liking, wanting to, or feeling one should want to see or relate to the person you forgive. It is not about accepting that their behavior was okay when it was not. Forgiveness does not mean that what happened in the past does not matter, or forgetting. Rather, it is the effort made to give up the desire for revenge or punishment. In brief, these stages are:

• An acknowledgement and uncovering phase of harm done – this means facing one’s hurt.

• A recognition of how ‘holding on to one’s anger and hurt’ is damaging to oneself.

• A recognition phase of the personal benefits of forgiving. Spend time imagining what you would feel like if you let go – really see yourself in the future free from what you find hard to forgive.

• A decision phase to move and work towards forgiveness involving commitment to forgive.

• A working through phase involving the acceptance of others as fallible and flawed, that disappointment is inevitable

• An outcome phase acknowledging the benefits of forgiveness.

If forgiveness is an issue for you, it may be helpful to put time aside where you will not be disturbed, engage in your soothing breathing rhythm and then bring to mind your compassionate self or compassionate image(s) (see Chapter 8). Then gently work through each of the above phases. Make notes to yourself about your thoughts and feelings. You might like to write a compassionate letter to yourself on the benefits of forgiving and fears and blocks of forgiving.

Resentment and revenge

Forgiveness can be a lengthy process requiring the acknowledgement of much hurt. Some people may try to forgive without acknowledging their own pain and anger, but when they do this, resentment usually remains. Forgiveness can be a painful process. Learning how to forgive is about learning how to let go of anger. A need for revenge can be damaging to ourselves and our relationships. We may tell ourselves how justified we are to be angry regardless of how useful this is.

Judy felt much anger against her parents for their rather cold attitude, and blamed them for her unhappy life. In doing this, she was in effect saying to herself, ‘I cannot be better than I am because my parents have made me what I am. Therefore, I am forever subordinate to them – for they held the power to make me happy. Therefore, I can’t exert any power over my own happiness.’

Gradually Judy came to see that it was her anger (and desire for revenge) which locked her into a bad relationship with her parents. Forgiveness required a number of changes. First, she needed to recognize the hurt she felt, which to a degree was blocked by her anger. Second, she needed to see that she was telling herself that, because her parents were cold towards her, she was ‘damaged’ and destined to be unhappy – that is, she was giving up her own power to change. She realized that she felt a ‘victim’ to her childhood. Rather than coming to terms with this, she felt subordinated and controlled by it. While it is obviously always preferable to have had early loving relationships, it is still possible to move forward and create the kind of life one wants. As Judy came to forgive her parents (but not condone them), she let go of her anger and felt released from the cage in which she had felt trapped.

When we forgive, we are saying, ‘I let the past go and am no longer its victim’. One patient said that, by giving himself the power to forgive, he was giving himself the power to live. Forgiveness is not a position of weakness. Some people find that ‘letting go’ feels like a great release. Remember you may never like or want a relationship with the person you forgive – rather, you let go of your anger.

Self-forgiveness again

We looked at self-forgiveness in the last chapter but because it is so important for us let us look at this once again. Self-forgiveness can go through the same phases as forgiving others:

• An acknowledgement and uncovering phase of how you might be self-critical and self-shaming. This means being fully open and honest with yourself and really attending to how you think and treat yourself unkindly.

• A recognition of how holding on to one’s self criticalness and anger or disappointment with oneself is damaging to oneself? It is not stimulating those feeling systems that are conducive to well-being.

• A recognition phase of the personal benefits of recognizing oneself as a fallible human being and that learning to be more gentle, kind and forgiving is beneficial to one’s moods and well-being (see also page 299 on the difference between compassionate self-improvement and shame-based self-attacking).

• A decision phase to move and work towards self-forgiveness, involving commitment to forgive. Make a decision that you are going to be a forgiving self-improver rather than a condemner (see Chapter 13).

• A working through phase involving the acceptance of yourself as a fallible human being who just ‘found themselves here’ trying to do the best you can.

• An outcome phase acknowledging the benefits of self-forgiveness.

Forgiving ourselves means that we treat ourselves with compassion. We do not demand that we are perfect or don’t make big mistakes from time to time. There are many spiritual traditions that recognize the great importance of forgiveness.

Reconciliation

Some depressed people also have difficulty in reconciling and making up after conflicts have taken place. Couples and families with high levels of conflict but with good reconciling behaviors, and who value each other, tend to suffer less depression. When we reconcile and make peace, our anger and arousal subsides. Chimpanzees, our nearest primate relatives, actually seem better at reconciling their differences than some humans. Research shows that, after a conflict, they will often come together for a hug and embrace and they rarely stay distant for long.

So why is it difficult for some people to reconcile and make up? Some typical unhelpful thoughts that can make reconciliation difficult include:

• I must make them pay (feel guilty) for upsetting me.

• If I forgive them (or me) I am letting them (or me) off the hook.

• If I forgive them then I can’t express my dissatisfactions.

• I’ll have to be nice.

• Forgiveness is a position of weakness.

• It has more benefits for them than me.

If I apologize and want to reconcile, it means:

• I’m admitting I was in the wrong.

• I am giving in.

• I have lost.

• I am weak. Strong people do not apologize.

• Others will think I have taken full responsibility for the conflict.

• I am in a subordinate position.

In some cases, it is because as children we were never taught how to do it, and now as adults, we feel awkward about it. Perhaps neither they nor their partners know how to make the first move to make peace. Another reason is that one or both parties in the conflict will not reconcile until they are given the dominant position: they must win, get their own way and assert their authority. The one who reaches out to make peace is perceived as the one who has submitted.

For example, Angela said that, when she was a child, it was always her and not her mother who had to say she was sorry. If she didn’t, there would be a very bad atmosphere between her and her mother, which she found intolerable. Her mother would sulk, sometimes refusing to speak to Angela until she had apologized. When she did, her mother would remind her of the conflict and how naughty Angela had been. At a time when Angela was reaching out for acceptance, her mother would make her feel bad, ashamed and guilty again. Angela developed an expectation that, if she apologized, the other person would use this to make her feel bad about herself and would not accept her peace-making efforts without ‘rubbing her nose in it’. She was therefore very frightened of conflicts because there was no way she could reconcile afterwards without always feeling in the wrong.

There are various alternatives to the above unhelpful thoughts and ideas. For example:

• I can apologize for my actions if I think I have hurt someone, but this does not mean that the conflict itself was all my fault. Indeed, it is preferable to think in terms of differences of opinions or desires rather than in terms of blame (see the responsibility circle in pages 283–286.

• Assertiveness is not about winners and losers but about being clear about the reason(s) for a conflict and attempting to resolve it.

• The ability to apologize and repair a relationship is a compassionate positive on my part, not a weakness.

• I don’t have to grovel when I apologize, but rather to get together with the other person again because I care about the relationship.

• I can focus on the issue of coming together rather than on just relieving myself of guilt.

Reconciliation, like much else in assertiveness, is a skill that can be learned. It may be difficult at first, but if you set your mind to it, you will improve. Learning how to make up after conflicts makes them less frightening. It helps us stop ruminating on the anger and conflict and building up the other person into a real ogre! You learn that you can survive conflicts, they are a normal part of life and we may actually benefit from them. Making up is only a submissive position if you tell yourself it is.

Reconciliation in intimate relationships may involve hugs and other physical contact, but of course, you can’t force this on others. If others are not ready to reconcile, all you can do is to state your position – that you’d like to make up. Be honest and offer an apology if you need to, and wait for the other person to come round in their own time. If they don’t, avoid getting angry with them because they don’t wish to go at the same pace as you.

One other thing that men especially need to be cautious of is encouraging their partners to prove that they are now reconciled with them by agreeing to have sex. If you do this, it is possible that your efforts at reconciliation will not be seen as genuine, but only as a tactic to get your own way. If your partner does not want to have sex, you may read this as ‘Well, she does not really care for me, otherwise she would’. This can lead to anger and resentment again. If you feel that there is not enough sex in your relationship, this is best sorted out at some other time, calmly, and with no threat of ‘If you loved me, you would’.

Overview

Feelings of anger and powerlessness can haunt you in depression because they stimulate the threat system. When that happens, the levels of stress hormones in our bodies increase. Healing then is about learning how to work with the feelings of anger and powerlessness, by being honest, learning assertiveness if we need to (and this may take some practice) and learning forgiveness. These are not easy steps, and in many spiritual traditions they can be seen as lifetime guides. If you practise developing your compassionate self, and really orientate towards developing that within you, this may help you in these tasks.

KEY POINTS

• It is the message or meanings in anger that need to be considered rather than the anger itself.

• In learning how to be assertive, we focus on the hurt and the issue(s) behind a conflict rather than attacking either ourselves or the other person.

• Non-assertive behaviors include aggression, inducing guilt, sulking and backing down fearfully.

• Anger at our own lack of assertiveness is a common experience. This self-directed anger can be more damaging to us than the lack of assertiveness itself.

• Because anger and assertiveness nearly always arise in situations of conflict, it is important that, after the conflict has passed, there is reconciliation and forgiveness. These may not take place if there are specific beliefs that stop them – for example, To apologize is to admit I was in the wrong, or that I am letting people off the hook’.

• Forgiveness is actually an assertive action because we give ourselves the power to forgive and thus release ourselves from feelings of having been a victim for which we must seek revenge.

EXERCISES

Exercise 1

Think of an area where you would like to be more assertive – maybe something small to begin with. For example, suppose you need a new pair of shoes. Go into the shop and spend time trying on several different pairs – then thank the assistant and walk out, without buying anything. Or think about something you might really like to do with a friend or partner and ask them. If they turn you down, then smile and be pleased you had a go. Notice, be mindful and compassionately smile at any tendencies to become critical and ruminating. Try something each day or as often as you can – practise, practise. If the issue is becoming more assertive in conflicts then:

• Avoid attacking the other person: that will put them on the defensive.

• Work out what you want to say, focusing on a specific issue.

• Be brief and clear.

• Be prepared to ‘trade’ and compromise.

• Avoid seeing either as signs of weakness.

Here’s an example involving Emma and Chris, whom we met earlier (see pages 448–449). Emma was angry about Chris’s lack of helping around the house. However, she waited until they were relaxed together and then said:

‘You know, Chris, I wish we could spend more time together. However, I’m so busy with the house and it would be really helpful if you could lend a hand. I feel really left out when you go off to see your friends and I’m stuck here doing the ironing. It’s not that I want to stop you going out but that I want to have more time, too. Look, I’ve worked out that, if you do more of the shopping and vacuuming I would have more time for myself. I’d really feel a lot better and not feel so taken for granted.’

Of course, this may not do the trick straight away, but it’s a start. Sometimes it helps to rehearse what you want to say – that is, rehearse your assertiveness skills. Remember, it is a step-by-step process and does not have to go perfectly first time. By preparing what you want to say, rather than waiting until you get angry and rushing in with attacks, you are more in control and will often achieve more.

If you are prone to getting angry with yourself for not being as assertive as you would like to be, review the example of Roger on pages 479–81. Work out if you are attacking yourself. Then rehearse the types of assertive things you would like to say. Say them out loud. Get used to speaking them and hearing yourself say them. Avoid brooding on your anger and on all the really nasty things you could say. You know that you probably won’t say them so there is no point in rehearsing them. Try out only those things that you think you should say.

An important aspect of acting assertively is ‘slowing your thoughts down’ to give you space to think. If you get into a conflict situation, don’t feel that you have to respond immediately. One way to do this is to ask the other person to tell you more about what concerns him or her, rather than trying to defend yourself immediately.

You then might say to the other person, ‘I can see how you could think of it that way, but this is how I see it’. Be factual rather than accusing. Stick to the issue at hand rather than trade personal attacks.

Spend time thinking about forgiving others and letting go of the past. Write down the advantages and disadvantages of doing this. If you could let go of the past (and any desire for revenge you might feel), how would this help you? What stops you? What are your thoughts here? Use your rational/compassionate mind to help you.

If you feel that some of the hurts from the past are very serious, and it is impossible for you to embark on this journey alone, think about seeking help. The moment you say, ‘I no longer want to remain a victim of my past’ you are taking the first step up and out.

Exercise 2

Try your compassion practice. First, sit or lie down somewhere comfortable. Go through a relaxation exercise of the type described on pages 130–3. Enter into your compassionate self mode and feel yourself expanding; focus on your kind and gentle facial expression. Sense how you think about things and the tone of your voice. Now imagine a person whom you want to forgive standing in front of you. See their facial expression and feel compassion for them. Remember that they just ‘found themselves’ here. If you find yourself being pulled back into your anger, break contact with the image, refocus on the compassionate self and begin again. As you feel compassion, notice what happens to the image that is the focus of your forgiveness. It might shrink or move away from you. Remember, you are healing yourself here because it’s your holding on to your anger that’s causing you pain. As your image recedes it is grateful for your letting go.

Remember that forgiveness doesn’t mean that you like the person you have forgiven. You may never want to see them again. It’s all about changing your emotional orientation.

Exercise 3

This time the focus is on a part of yourself you want to forgive. You can go through exactly the same procedure as in the previous exercise. When in compassionate self mode, imagine that part just in front of you. Then imagine forgiving that part of you with a compassionate heart. If you get pulled into angry critical mode, pull back into the compassionate self and focus on your breathing and sense of warmth.

Whatever works for you, use it. The idea is to develop the inner art of forgiveness. Forgiving yourself does not mean an end to trying to improve. It just means that improving and changing will be easier for you if you don’t hang on to things from the past that cannot be changed.

 

21

Dealing with frustrations, disappointments and lost ideals

Many therapies focus on the importance of learning to cope with disappointments, setbacks and tragedies with forms of acceptance, coming to terms, not self-attacking and or not insisting on ‘it must’ or ‘must not’ – these are also old wisdoms.¹

Our emotional reactions to frustration and disappointment depend on the importance we place on things. The most common are:

• When things don’t work right or as we think they should.

• When we make (what we think are) avoidable mistakes. ( I can get quite frustrated with myself if I bowl badly at cricket or drop that catch!)

• When others do not behave, or feel about us, as we want them to – e.g., don’t show us enough respect, affection or break promises.

• When we ourselves lack an ability to do or achieve something we want.

• When we feel certain things – for example we feel depressed and lose energy, don’t feel as positively about someone as we would wish, feel disappointed in ourselves because we lose the ability to feel affection or lose sexual feelings.

Shoulds and oughts

Disappointment is a major area where our shoulds and oughts (see page 454) come to the fore (as do our ‘musts’, see page 215). We can believe that things, ourselves or other people ‘should be like this’ and ‘should not be like that’. The problem here is that, life being what it is, it does not respect our shoulds and oughts. Some of us feel that we should not have to die, and instead of coming to terms with it, rage about the fact that life ‘shouldn’t be like this’. Sometimes our shoulds stop us from doing the emotional work we need to do, to come to terms with things as they are and work out helpful solutions for dealing with them.

We can develop a strong sense of ‘should’ when it comes to our own attitudes – about ourselves, e.g., ‘I should work harder’, ‘I should not make these kinds of mistakes’, ‘I should not be angry’, ‘I should love my parents and be more caring to them’ and feeling very disappointed when things don’t turn out as our ‘should’ says. Shoulds often involve anger and attempts to force ourselves to be different. When we rigidly apply the shoulds to ourselves, we inevitably end up bullying and attacking ourselves. It is as though we struggle to avoid accepting our limitations, setbacks or true feelings. In the 1940s the American psychotherapist Karen Horney called ‘the shoulds’ ‘a tyranny’.

When we apply shoulds to other people, we often feel angry with them when they disappoint us. Instead of seeing them as they really are, we simply say ‘they should be like this’ or ‘they shouldn’t be like that’ (see page 454). Strong shoulds often reduce our tolerance for frustration, and as we shall see shortly, shoulds and oughts can lead to serious problems with disappointment.

When you’re working compassionately it’s always worth asking yourself, ‘What’s the fear, what’s the threat behind my should, my ought or my must?’ There are not that many: they boil down to the fear of rejection or being marginalized, being shamed, being hurt or criticized, or a loss of control. It is because the threat system is involved that we often have problems with frustration.

The problems of perfectionism

Depressed people are often surprised when I suggest that ‘the secret of success is the ability to fail’. So much in our society concentrates on succeeding and achieving things that we can become fearful of, or even incompetent at failing. Yet, if you think about it, success, like love, looks after itself. Most of our problems don’t come from succeeding or doing well but from failing and not doing well. The way we cope with disappointment and setbacks can do much to throw us into depression, especially if we spiral into self-attacking and self-dislike. Learning how to fail without self-attacking can be a useful means of exerting more control over our moods. One reason why failure becomes a serious problem is because, perhaps without realizing it, we have become overly perfectionist and competitive people to whom the idea of failure is a terror.

Perfectionism relates to having high ideals and believing that we must reach them or else we are worthless and bad in some way. Research by the Canadian psychologists Paul Hewitt, Gordon Flett and their colleagues suggests that there are three forms of perfectionism:

• Self-orientated perfectionism: Here the focus is on high standards and the need to be perfect. When people fall short of these standards, they can become self-critical and experience a lot of frustrative anger.

• Other-orientated perfectionism: Here people demand high standards of others. They can become angry with others if others are not up to the mark. The other-orientated perfectionist may look for how far people fall short of a standard rather than how good they are.

• Socially prescribed perfectionism: Here people believe that it is others who expect high standards of them and that they will be rejected or shamed if they don’t come up to those expected standards. This form of perfectionism is the most strongly linked to depression.

Doing your best

Some forms of perfectionism are very helpful. You would like your brain surgeon to be a bit perfectionistic! Most of us accept that trying to do our best is a good idea. If something is worth doing, it’s worth putting some effort into it. The problem is: how much effort? Even if you work 20 hours a day you might, in principle, say that you could have worked 21 hours a day. When we are in perfectionist mode, if we fail, we inevitably say we could have done more. The problem is clear – the goalposts keep moving.

It’s similar for ‘other-orientated’ perfectionists. Even if you put a lot of effort into something, if it is not exactly what they wanted, they will say that ‘you could have done more’. They can be very undermining – so watch out for them – they are often demanding and not always supportive of or able to appreciate one’s efforts. Children, for example, will have problems in judging what is reasonable effort and what is not.

Regarding our own judgements about ourselves, it’s not so much our desire for high standards – which can be driven by a passion to do well that causes trouble (see page 299) – it is when our perfectionism is driven more by fear of failure and fear of being criticized by other people and our self-criticism. Seeking high standards is important but once again it’s what drives this and what happens in us if we don’t quite make it; can we be self-accepting, kind, understanding and encouraging to ourselves in contrast to being very angry, self-critical and/or frightened of what other people think and will do? What is the true motivation for our drive to be perfect? If in our hearts we know that actually we drive ourselves because we are frightened, then we need to look at this – work on the fear. Research has shown that perfectionism is associated with a range of mental health problems, especially those linked with depression.

If you think you are a perfectionist then:

• Spend some time exploring in what ways perfectionism works for you. Do you put yourself up on the high wire trying to achieve too much?

• What are the advantages and disadvantages of your perfectionism style? Spend time on this really reflecting on these themes so that you can ‘feel’ how they are working in you.

• If you are not able to reach your standards, what are your greatest fears? Spend some time to note them – bring them to light.

• What feelings and thoughts do you have about yourself and how do you treat yourself? Can you distinguish being upset with an outcome and becoming self-critical in unhelpful ways?

• Is this linked to childhood?

• With kindness and openness, decide if this is helpful and, if not, how you might like to change things – to focus on your efforts and learn to value those – not just results.

• What would be compassionate attention, compassionate thinking, compassionate actions and behavior, and compassionate feelings in such situations?

Frank, an artist, told me how he would fly into rages and rip up his work if he could not make the image that he had in his mind appear on the canvas. This is an example of perfectionism driving us into low frustration tolerance. Even in sex, perfectionists may be more focused on how they perform than on getting lost in the pleasure of it. They have to ‘do it right’. A patient of mine who used to go hiking, noted that he could have been walking anywhere; what seemed to matter more was how many miles he covered. He would set himself tests – ‘Can I walk 20 miles today?’ Even if it had been a bright and beautiful day and the countryside had been in full bloom, he would hardly notice this, because he was so intent in doing his set number of miles often as quickly as possible. Not very mindful!

At one level, we may see this as ‘gaining pleasure from achievement’. Such pleasures are short lived, do not stimulate the contentment/soothing system, and because the next ‘need to achievement’ pops up quickly we lose the ability to take pleasure for each moment – to be fully present (see Chapter 7). Of course, in depression, there is often a sense of not achieving enough and certainly a loss in the ability to enjoy the simple pleasures of life.

The disappointment and dissatisfaction with performances that perfectionists feel can result in a number of difficult emotions: guilt, anger, frustration, shame, envy and anxiety. These negative emotions can make life a misery. Even if successful, we know this may not be enough because we might think that people are only interested in us because of our success and not because they really care. Various famous people can get depressed with problems like this – success does not really give that sense of connection and belonging that they were looking for. To get those feelings we have to retrain our brains and reach out to others.

Ask yourself: Why do I want to reach the standards that I’ve set myself? You have to be really honest in your answers. Here are some that others have given:

• I want to impress others.

• I want to be a somebody rather than a nobody.

• I want to be loved and wanted.

• I don’t want others to see the bad side of me or my flaws.

• I want to avoid being criticized and thought of as worthless.

• Life is pointless if you don’t succeed.

• I must not let others down.

• There has to be something I am good at.

It does not matter too much what your wants, wishes and hopes are, provided that you can cope with them not coming to fruition. If you say, ‘I’d like to impress others,’ that may be fine. But if you say, ‘I must impress others, otherwise they will see me as inadequate and I will feel useless and rejectable,’ you have a problem. And the reason why is that failure and setbacks will generate such anger with yourself and others that this can drive you into depression.

Here are some useful ways to cope with these difficulties. Keep in mind that some of your perfectionistic difficulties are fear-linked or simply bad habits. Make a decision to compassionately refocus your attention and practise the following:

• When engaged in activities such as walking, or cooking or sexual behavior become mindful (see Chapter 7).

• Take some soothing rhythm breaths and pay attention to the present moment. If out walking look at the sky the trees and grasses – really attend to them; smell the air, playfully notice each step.

• If other thoughts drift into your mind that are not exactly about this moment (and they will) notice them kindly and bring your attention back to the sky, trees, grass etc.

• Remember to use your compassionate facial expression.

Personal pride and perfectionism

Some people with eating disorders, who become very thin, are often highly perfectionist and competitive. They have a pride in themselves because they exert control over their eating and weight. Often the problem starts when they get on the scales, see that they have lost weight and feel a thrill or buzz of pride from the achievement. To put on weight produces a feeling of deflation and shame. They can become obsessed with every calorie and type of food they eat. This is an example of shame-driven pride. They may feel ashamed of their bodies or believe that there is not much about them to be proud of but then they hit on the idea of weight loss, and the pride of losing weight drives them on.

When shame turns into pride, it takes a real struggle to change this. Helping these people to put on weight may be seen as taking away the only thing (losing weight) they feel good at. This kind of problem is a very different one from, say, panic attacks. Nobody wants panic attacks, so therapist and patient can line up together against the common problem. Anorexic people want to be thin; they want to maintain their perfectionist standards of not eating much.

It is the same with all forms of perfectionism and competitiveness, be it cleaning the house, playing a sport well, working long hours and so on. The person does not want to give up these things. However, it is the reactions to failure and setbacks that have to be changed. If the sports person becomes depressed because he or she is not playing well and loses confidence in him/herself, that is hardly helpful. Many talented sportspeople do not make it because of how they react to things not going well – they can’t ride the ups and downs easily because anger and frustration disrupts their performance. They cannot refocus on the last.

‘What the Hell’ factor

There is an important motto for when we slip into perfectionism and overstriving – which is ‘what the Hell’. The fact of the matter is that once you have tried your best – if it’s not working – then ‘what the hell’ – you are not going to be taken out and shot by the Gestapo. It is finding that point inside you that lets you ‘relax, ease back and let things be’. Obviously I am applying this to perfectionism when we overly strive and get into states of panic, fear and depression. People who are lazy may need much less of ‘what the hell factor’ – so it’s always a matter of balance. But I and my own family have found that, at times, when things seem to be getting too intense, the ability to back off and think, ‘Okay, I’ve tried my best so what will be will be’ – ‘what the hell’ – is helpful. Technically this is called ‘de-catastrophizing and keeping things in perspective’ – but ‘what the hell’ – it works for me so I share it with you.

Frustration tolerance

It would be great if we never felt frustrated, but while we might be able to lower our frustration threshold, the key is our ability to tolerate and work with it. That requires us to become more observant of how and when it arises in us. Our ability to tolerate frustration can change, for many reasons. You have probably noticed that, some days, you can cope with minor problems without too much effort, but on other days almost anything that blocks you can really irritate you. This is what we mean when we say, ‘He (or she) got out of bed on the wrong side today’. If we are driving somewhere in a hurry, we might see others on the road as ‘getting in our way’ and become angry. As our feelings and attitudes become more urgent, we start to demand that things ‘should be’ different from the way they are. Fatigue, tiredness and being under pressure are also typical everyday things that reduce our frustration tolerance. And depression itself can lower our frustration tolerance.

The degree of frustration that a person feels can relate to a fear of shame. For example, Gerry lost his car keys on the day he had an important meeting. He became angry with himself and his family because the keys could not be found. In the back of his mind, he was thinking, ‘If I don’t get to the meeting on time, I’ll walk in late. Everybody will think I’m a person who can’t keep to time and they will think I’m unreliable or careless.’ At times, we may blame ourselves with thoughts like ‘If only I were more careful, I wouldn’t lose things’. Probably everyone could tell stories of how, when things are lost (e.g., the string or scissors are not in the drawer as expected), they became angry and irritated: ‘Why are things never where they should be?’ When we get depressed our frustration tolerance goes down and coping with that can be difficult. Again keep in mind that this is not your fault, it is the depression – but it is helpful to work out how to cope:

• Recognize that feeling ‘on a short fuse’ can be part of depression, and be prepared.
  Use your soothing breathing and monitor your thoughts mindfully – preparing to cope with your irritable mood today with efforts not to act it out.

• Try not to self-blame, as this will send you down in spirals – you may become frustrated with being easily frustrated.

• Advise others of this and assure them you will do what you can not to act it out.

• Take pride in the ability to feel without acting, to smile even though you are irritated inside. You’re learning that you can have a choice about how you act.

• If you feel your frustration is a bit too hot to handle, take yourself out of the situation.

• Sometimes physical activity such as running or quick walking can be helpful.

Dashed ideals and fantasies

One of the most important qualities of us humans is that we fantasize. This means that we are constantly making plans and developing fantasies of how we want things to be. The problem with fantasy is that we often live in excess. We imagine we can do more than we can. Often I have fantasized and imagined I could complete a piece of work in a certain time only to discover I couldn’t. Painters get frustrated when they cannot make the picture they are painting look like the one they have in their head. We often fantasize we are going to feel better than we do. For example, we might fantasize having a great fun holiday but it turns out to be just okay. Sometimes we fantasize about other people having fun lives and it is only us who are not. Fantasies can make us unrealistic in many areas of our lives. The way we create our fantasies, ideals, wishes, anticipations and expectations in our heads can be absolutely crucial to our abilities to cope with the ups and downs of real life, life that rarely matches our fantasies.

Petro was a very bright student and throughout his life his single parent (and school) had admired his ability and praised him. But gradually Petro developed an idea that he needed to do very well, make his mother proud of him, be successful (not like his father) and one day rescue her from their poverty. This became linked to his self-identity. He fantasized about his career and going to the top universities. His school rather fuelled these fantasies. The problem was as his examinations approached and he had one or two lower grades he started to panic – seeing all collapse around him. He slipped into depression and could hardly work at all, seeing himself as a failure – yet he was a very bright lad! However, he was grossly over-extended and up on the high wire of life. Oliver James discusses these issues in detail in his book Britain on the Couch – of how too many of our children are being set up with too high expectations and who either give up, or crash when they fall short.

We can be set up for disappointment because our ideals, hopes and expectations are unrealistic. Modern Western societies are very unhelpful here because they imply you can be anything you like if you work hard enough. This is simply untrue. Genes, opportunity and luck as well as effort have a big effect on how our lives turn out. Often we have to learn to play the hand we are dealt – and sometimes that is a difficult one. Learning to do that with compassion can help enormously. A serious thwarting of our life goals and ideals can trigger depression, especially if we see this as having a lot of social implications (e.g., loss of status, loss of a loving relationship) as well as implications for how our lives will be in the future. Thinking about depression often means that we have to ask ourselves several questions:

• What are our ideals?

• In what way do we feel thwarted in reaching them?

• How can we deal with the frustration and anger that comes when they are not met?

• What conclusions are we drawing about ourselves, others and the future?

• Are we caught up in a strong sense of ‘should’?

• How might we ease down and become more balanced in our expectations and aspirations?

The disappointment gap

Spend a few moments thinking about your ideals. You’ll explore this more clearly by writing down the ideal and the actual in two columns (see table 21.1). You can then think about what I call the disappointment gap. The disappointment gap leads to four possible outcomes:

• Attack and blame yourself.

• Attack and blame others.

• Give up.

• Accept reality without seriously attacking either yourself or others.

Because attacking is a common response to frustration, we can see that we have found a root source of our self-criticism – which is none other than our frustration. The more frustrated we are with ourselves, the more we may tend to bully and criticize ourselves. Keep in mind, as I indicated with the example above of Gerry (page 502) who lost his keys, that behind frustration can be feelings of threat, fear and anxiety – so always consider that as a possibility. Let’s work through some examples and see how this works.

Brian had set his sights on an important promotion. For over a year, he had worked hard to put himself in a good position, and his bosses had indicated that the promotion was within his grasp. He began to anticipate and plan how the new position would make his work easier and more interesting and how the extra money would allow him to move house. Unfortunately, two months before the promotion was due, Brian’s company was taken over and all promotions were put on hold. To make matters worse, the new company brought in some of their own personnel, and Brian found that the position he was going for had been filled by a younger man. He became angry and then depressed. All the plans, hopes and goals associated with the promotion seemed thwarted. He told himself that things never worked out for him and there was no point in trying to improve himself. He ruminated on the injustice of what had happened but had little power to change the situation – in effect, in his mind he kept fighting an unwinnable battle and thus saw himself as constantly frustrated and defeated. His ideal in contrast to his actual self looked like Table 21.1.

Of course it’s understandable why Brian felt bad about this lost promotion, but ruminating on his anger and self/other attacking made a bad situation worse. For him to come to terms with what happened – the fourth possible outcome – it helped for him to recognize his sadness about it (rather than block it out with anger) and the depth of his shoulds, and stop attacking himself. He soon realized that he could not have seen it coming and that it was not a matter of him not having been assertive enough. He gradually began to work out ways that he could get around this setback, waited a while and sought employment elsewhere. Coming to accept the situation and then working out how he could deal with it were important steps in his recovery. The more understanding, compassion and kindness one can bring to this situation the better – life can be very tough.

‘It’s all been spoiled’

Depressed people often have the feeling that things have been spoiled. Susanne had planned her wedding carefully, but her dress did not turn out right and it rained all day. This was disappointing, but her mood continued to be low on her honeymoon. She had thoughts like, ‘It didn’t go right. It was all spoiled by the weather and my dress. Nothing ever works out right for me. Why couldn’t I have had one day in my life when things go right?’ She was so disappointed and angry about the weather and her dress that she was unable to consider all the good things of the day, and how to put her disappointment behind her and get on and enjoy the honeymoon. She dwelt on how things had been spoiled for her, rather than living mindfully in each new moment of her unfolding life (see Chapter 7). Later, when she considered possible positives in her life, she was able to soften her all-or-nothing thinking and to recognize that she was seeing the weather and the dress as almost personal attacks. She realized how her anger was interfering with her pleasure. She also acknowledged that many kinds of frustrations and disappointments in her life are often activated by thoughts of ‘everything has been spoiled’. She had to work hard to come to terms with her wedding ‘as it was’, but doing this helped to lift her mood.

The key process in these kinds of situations is:

• First, recognize the upset and disappointment.

• Then make a conscious decision that you really want to learn to calm down as soon as possible – that this is a life skill you would like to acquire and will train for.

• Then engage your soothing rhythm breathing – really focus on that.

• Then focus on being mindful and observing your thoughts and feelings – if you can, be curious: ‘Oh, that’s interesting, I’m thinking like that.’

• If you get ‘pulled into your upset’ then refocus on you breathing and either:
  – bring to mind your sense of being the self you would like to be (e.g., calm and compassionate – don’t forget the gentle facial expression) and/or
  – bring your compassionate image to mind and imagine it with you, understanding the distress of your upset but there to help you.

• When you feel ready and able, think about how you might re-examine your thoughts and feelings and see them in a different way – what would a compassionate way of seeing them or thinking about them be? What might compassionate behavior be for you now? (See Chapters 8 and 9.)

• Keep in mind you are trying to turn on and stimulate your soothing system to help you in this situation (see Chapter 2).

The sense of things having been damaged and spoiled can be associated with the idea that things are irreparable and cannot be put right. In these situations, it is useful to work out how best to improve things rather than dwell on a sense of them being completely spoiled (which is linked to our anger). Of course, we might need time to grieve and come to terms with disappointments. One can’t rationalize disappointments away. The feelings can be very strong indeed.

Sometimes we can feel we are spoiling things for others because (say) of our depression or mistakes etc. That takes us back into the realms of shame and guilt (see Chapters 18 and 19).

Loss of a positive relationship

When we fantasize about our ideal partners, we usually see them as beautiful or handsome, kind and always understanding. When it comes to sex, we may think that they (and perhaps ourselves too) should be like an ever-ready battery that never goes flat. When we think about our ideal lover, we don’t think about their problems with indigestion, the times when they will be irritable and stressed or take us for granted, or that they could fancy other people.

As an adolescent, Hannah had various fantasies about what a loving relationship would be like. It would, she thought, involve closeness, almost telepathic communication between her and her lover and few, if any, conflicts. She believed that ‘love would conquer all’. This type of idealizing is not that uncommon, but when Hannah’s relationship started to run into problems, she was not equipped to cope with them because her ideals were so easily frustrated.

The early courting months with Warren seemed fine and they got on well and Hannah was sure that theirs was going to be a good marriage. However, after six months of marriage, they had a major setback. The negotiations for a house they wanted to buy fell through. Then, while they were trying to find another, the housing market took off and they found that they had to pay a lot more for one of similar size. Warren felt cheated by life, his mood changed and he became withdrawn and probably mildly depressed. Hannah, who was also upset about the house problems, was more concerned about the change in her relationship with Warren. The gap between her ideal and the actual relationship started to widen. This discrepancy in her ideal–actual relationship looked like Table 21.2.

Gradually Hannah began to recognize that their problems were not about love but the hard realities of living. There was nothing wrong with her as a person or the relationship if Warren felt down. They had to learn to deal with their problems in a different way by encouraging each other to talk about their feelings. Hannah had often avoided this for fear that Warren would blame her or say that she was, in some way, part of the reason why he was feeling down. She also had to give up attacking him when he did not give her the attention that she wanted.

She slowly moved away from thinking that all problems in their relationship were to do with a lack of love. Warren had to acknowledge the effect his moods were having on Hannah and that he needed to work through his sense of injustice and belief that this was unfair and it shouldn’t have happened. They eventually learned to build on the positives in their relationship rather than fighting over the frustrations. Tough work, but compassionate openness can help develop the courage necessary.

Disappointment and frustration with what we feel

So far we have discussed how we can be disappointed in things and people that block our goals and affect our relationships. Another key area of disappointment centres around our own personal feelings. Some depressed people go to bed hoping that they will feel better in the morning, and it is a great disappointment when they don’t. Unfortunately, when depressed we often feel (understandably) disappointed and deflated when we wake up and don’t feel any better but still anxious and tired. However, we can make matters worse by attacking ourselves, predicting that the day will go very badly and telling ourselves we ‘should’ be better. There are many other feelings that can be a source of disappointment. If this happens it can be useful to acknowledge this and engage in compassion under the duvet (see pages 151–152):

• When you first wake up, practise spending a moment to focus on your soothing rhythm breathing.

• Allow yourself to put on a compassionate facial expression. Don’t worry if it seems odd or unnatural.

• Make a commitment to treat yourself with kindness today – to train yourself in this skill. If it feels very hard then that is a great opportunity for even a small bit of training to be helpful.

• Try not to fight with your thoughts or feelings, or force them to change, but notice them and be mindful of them as best you can.

• Keep in mind that feeling depressed is absolutely not your fault, it is sadly common and caused by many things.

• When you get out of bed and start to engage with the day go one step at a time, recognizing that you are doing the best you can. Make it a goal to be as supportive and encouraging of your efforts to cope with your depression as best you can.

• Some people prefer to get out of bed quickly without spending any time thinking about their thoughts or feelings. Again, practise and see which is best for you.

Let’s widen our scope a bit and look at some examples relating to disappointments with feelings. The following problem shows clearly how difficulties can arise when our hopes and ideals are disappointed by our own feelings.

Don had suffered from anxiety attacks for many years and, as a result, felt that he had missed out on life. He developed a strong fantasy that, if someone could cure his anxiety, he would be ‘like other people’ and especially more like his brother who was successful in the art world. When I saw him, I found that his attacks were focused on a fear of being unable to breathe and of dying. However, by looking at the evidence that he was not going to die when he had an anxiety attack, and learning how to relax to gain more control over his attacks, he made progress. In fact, he did so well that he went on a trip to Europe. But when he came back, he went to bed, got depressed, felt suicidal and very angry.

We talked about the problem as one of unrealistic ideals. Don had the fantasy that if his anxiety was cured he would do a lot of things and make up for many lost years. In his fantasy, he would be like others, able to travel, be successful and, in his words, ‘rejoin the human race at last’. He believed that normal people never suffered anxiety. He had hoped that there would be some magic method that would take the anxiety away, and that once it was gone, it would be gone for good. He explained that, on his European trip, he had suffered more anxiety than he’d expected.

We wrote out two columns that captured this situation, headed ‘Ideal me’ (i.e. without anxiety) and ‘Actual me’ (i.e. how I am now).

Our conversation then went something like this:

    Paul: It seems that you did quite a lot on your trip, but you feel disappointed with it. What happened when you got back?

    Don: I started to look back on it and thought, ‘Why does it have to be so hard for me, always fighting this anxiety?’ I should have enjoyed the trip more after all the effort I put into it. I should have done more. It’s been a struggle. So I just went to bed and brooded on how bad it all was and what’s the point.

    Paul: It sounds as if your experience did not match your ideal.

    Don: Oh yeah, it was far from that.

    Paul: Okay, what went through your mind when you found that the trip wasn’t matching your ideal?

    Don: I started to think I should be enjoying this more. If I were really better, I’d enjoy it more. If I felt better, I’d do more. I’ll never get on top of this. It’s all too late and too much effort.

    Paul: That sounds like it was very disappointing to you.

    Don: Oh yes, very, terrible, but more so when I got back.

    Paul: What did you say about you?

    Don: I’m a failure. I just felt totally useless. After all the work we’ve done, nothing has changed.

    Paul: Let’s go back to the two columns for a moment and see if I’ve understood this. For many years, you’ve had the fantasy of how things would be if you were better. But getting there is a struggle and this is disappointing for you. When you get disappointed, you start to attack yourself, saying that you’re a failure and it’s too late. That makes the ‘actual’ you seem unchanged. Is that right?

    Don: Yes, absolutely.

    Paul: Can we see how the disappointment of not reaching the ideal starts up this internal attack on yourself, and the more of a failure you feel, the more anxious and depressed you get?

    Don: Hmm, yes.

    Paul: Okay, it was a disappointment to have anxiety

    again. Were you anxious all the time?

    Don: No, not all the time.

    Paul: I see. Well, let’s start from the other end so to speak. If you had to pick out a highlight of the trip, what would it be?

    Don [thinks for a moment]: There were actually a few, I suppose. We went to this amazing castle set up on the hill . . .

As Don started to focus on the positive aspects of his trip, his mood changed. He became less focused on the negatives and more balanced in his evaluation of the trip. I am not saying that you should simply ‘look on the bright side’ but suggesting you focus on the possibility that there may be some positives which offers some balance. It is easy to become focused on disappointment. By the end of the session, Don was able to feel proud of the fact that he had been to Europe, whereas a year earlier, going anywhere would have been unthinkable. He was not magically cured of his anxiety disorder. The more he focused on what he could do, rather than on how much he was missing out or how unfair it was to have anxiety attacks, the less depressed and self-attacking he became. Learning to be more mindful rather than fighting with, and being angry with his anxiety might also have helped him.

You might also notice something else here. If somebody has had a problem like this for a long time, it can become almost built in to their sense of self, their self-identity. Don believed that he was victim to anxiety and had missed out on life. This sense of being a victim to his anxiety was very strong and not easy to give up. If people see themselves as losers it can actually be quite difficult for them to see themselves as winners because it is too different an identity. Sometimes we have to be honest with ourselves and think whether we are trapping ourselves in an old identity. Are we really confident that we would feel okay about being a happy person? Can we allow ourselves to be happy in spite of difficult life circumstances?

Disappointment with oneself

We can feel that we have let ourselves down because we have not come up to our own standards or ideals. Here again, rather than accept our limitations and fallibility – that maybe we have done our best but it did not work out as desired – we can get frustrated and then go in for a lot of self-attacking. It is as if we feel we can’t trust or rely on ourselves to come up with the goods. We start attacking ourselves like a master attacking a slave who hasn’t done well enough. This frustration with oneself can be a major problem.

Lisa wanted to be confident, as she thought her friends were. She wanted always to be in a good state of mind and never feel intense anger or anxiety or be depressed. She had two clear views of herself – her ideal and her actual self (Table 21.3) – and these would go hammer and tongs at each other. She felt lazy because she couldn’t get motivated.

Lisa’s ideal self and her actual self were unrealistic. Her ideal self could not be met much of the time. Her actual self (which she identified as her depressed self) was prone to discount the positives, think in all-or-nothing terms and overgeneralize. Much of this was powered by frustration and fear.

It may be true that we can’t rely on ourselves always to be anxiety-free, or make the best of things, or be a mistake-free zone. The main thing is how we deal with our mistakes and disappointments. Attacking ourselves when we feel the anger of frustration is not helpful and, in the extreme, can make us very

depressed. Learning to accept ourselves as fallible human beings, riddled with doubts, feelings, passions, confusions and paradoxes can be an important step towards compassionate self-acceptance. When disappointments arise, can we be understanding and compassionate? Anyone can be compassionate if it is plain sailing, but can you do it in a storm and when things are going wrong? That would be really helpful.

A new baby

Fiona had wanted a baby for about three years. She would fantasize about how her life would be changed with a child, and she engaged in a lot of idealized thinking about smiling babies and happy families. However, the birth was a painful and difficult one, and her son was a fretful child who cried a lot and was difficult to soothe. She found it difficult to bond with him and, within a short time, became exhausted and felt on a short fuse. At times, she just wanted to get rid of him. She took such feelings not as a sad but not so uncommon experience of women after childbirth, but as evidence that she was a bad mother. When she could not soothe her son, she thought that he was saying to her, ‘You’re not good enough’. She thought that if she had been a better mother she would not have had a colicky child, and she would have been loving and caring from the beginning, regardless of her fatigue. She felt intensely ashamed of her feelings, and could not tell her family doctor or even her husband of the depths of her exhaustion or feelings of wanting to run away. She felt her feelings made her a bad person. The reality of life with her baby son brought a whole set of ideals crashing down around her head.

We can explore Fiona’s ideal of her motherhood and her depression (Table 21.4).

Let’s look at some kinder ways that Fiona might look at her situation, beginning with understanding and being compassionate to her distress. Here are some ideas for what she might reflect on and say to herself:

• Compassionate understanding. It’s very understandable to feel upset about my baby’s colic and how difficult it is to soothe him. That is indeed sad for me. Some women do seem to have an easier time of it. I was looking forward to this but in reality it is exhausting. It is understandable when you’re exhausted like this to be on a bit of a short fuse and tearful.

• Compassionate attention. Although some women seem to bond easily with their babies, this is not true for all women by any means. Many women find babies who are difficult to soothe exhausting, and angry feelings are actually very common. Just like me. It’s sad for them too. Lots of women’s magazines write about these problems and they are also discussed on the Internet. It’s clearly not my fault I’m having these difficulties and feelings. When I feel well I can be a caring person (bring to mind memories of caring).

• Compassionate thinking. There have been a lot of complex changes in my body and in my hormones as a result of childbirth and these can create all kinds of feelings in women, including myself. Many other women have these experiences too and so I am far from alone in this. If this happened to a friend I would be kind and understanding and see what help I could offer. Practising being kind and understanding to my distress is important too.

• Compassionate behavior. It will help me a lot if I face this problem honestly and discuss it with people who can help me, such as my health visitor or family doctor. They will be able to keep an eye on me and see if I need any extra help. I might also be able to talk to other women who have been in this situation and find out what has helped them. The most important thing is to say yes to the help on offer and not hide away in shame, because this is such a common problem for women.

The moment Fiona faces her sadness, stops attacking herself and recognizes that she is not alone but may need help, she is taking the first steps towards recovery. Becoming depressed after childbirth is intensely sad and disappointing, and you can experience many odd (sometimes even aggressive, overwhelmed or want-to-run-away) feelings, but try not to be ashamed about them. To the best of your ability, be compassionate and kind with yourself, and reach out to others and discuss your true feelings with people around you and in particular your health visitor or family doctor.

One more point to keep in mind. If we’re having feelings of intense disappointment, say, there is often some bright spark who tells us to pull ourselves together, or who seems able to cope with everything. It may be someone in our lives who is being very critical of us, or who likes to tell us how well they coped with things and who can make us feel that we are a failure by comparison. Don’t be too influenced by these people (it might even be a parent). What we feel is what we feel, and rather than attacking ourselves, it is preferable to look at the ways we can cope and sort out our problems in the ways that best suit ourselves.

Overview

It is human to want to achieve certain things and create fantasies in our minds. However, these fantasies can become unrealistic because life is often complex and difficult. In this chapter we have noted how we can produce all kinds of fantasies and can create all kinds of hopes, anticipations and expectations. If these don’t come to fruition we can be disappointed. In our fantasies we often live a life of excess. Living in the reality of life can be tricky, but if we learn to be kind and compassionate, mindful and understanding, these can help us get through. Frustration and disappointment are not in themselves bad – indeed learning that we can’t have want we want when we want it is important for our maturity and wisdom.

KEY POINTS

• We can be disappointed with all kinds of things in our lives such as blocks to major life goals, relationships and personal feelings.

• Our anger and frustration or disappointment can set in motion a train of thoughts that are either self-attacking and/or other-attacking.

• If we can learn to identify these thoughts early, we can take steps to work against them and work through them.

• As the anger grows in us, there is a tendency to use many of the thinking styles we have met in earlier chapters (e.g., all-or-nothing thinking, overgeneralizing, disqualifying the positives, dwelling on the negatives – see Chapter 10).

• Although disappointments are always upsetting, we can perhaps learn to limit their effects on us and prevent them from driving us into depression.

EXERCISES

Exercise 1

Think of the last time you felt disappointed and angry about something. Then write down your ideal thoughts and your actual thoughts in two columns. Find out if you do any of the following:

• Attack self. Write down any self-attacking thoughts that have been produced by this disappointment.

• Attack others. Write down any other-attacking thoughts that have arisen from this disappointment.

• Give up in a hopeless, irritated sort of way.

• Develop acceptance and see what you might do to improve or move on.

Exercise 2

Now that you have worked out how you tend to react to disappointments, first acknowledge your anger. Ask yourself:

• Am I going in for all-or-nothing thinking?

• Am I discounting the positives? What remains good or okay?

• Am I overgeneralizing by saying that everything has been spoiled?

• What would I say to a friend who had this disappointment?

• What would I like someone who cares for me to say to me?

• Spend a few moments thinking about how you would actually like to be able to deal with frustration and disappointments – would that be worth training for?

• Create in your mind the self you would like to become.

Further things to try

Self-feelings and judgements

Distinguish clearly between your actions and yourself (see Chapter 13). For example, ask yourself: If I fail an exam, does this make me – a person, my whole being, my totality – a failure? I might feel like a failure, but this does not make it true. Are you saying, ‘I only accept me if I do itwell’? If you fail at something you may have that heart-sink feeling, but the key thing is how quickly you can recover yourself and be kind and help yourself through this disappointment in your life – getting through and coping is the aim.

Shoulds, oughts and musts

Explore the pressure of the shoulds, oughts and musts in your life and how they can produce more emotional pain. Work out your preferred compassionate ways to spot and tone them down.

Shame

Are you disappointed because somehow you feel ashamed at not meeting your ideals? (If so, look at the shame exercises in Chapter 17).

Reality check

Although it may be painful it can help if, in a friendly voice, you ask yourself, Are my ideals realistic?’

Compassion work

When we are frustrated or disappointed, compassion can be very helpful. As I have indicated above, what you can do here is to focus on your soothing rhythm breathing and then work through what you feel would be compassionate attention, thinking and behavior to help you with your setback and frustration.

It is helpful if you recognize that you will be upset by things – this is simply natural. However, what you’re looking out for is whether your frustration or anger becomes destructive by attacking yourself or others, or you have the heart-sink that pulls you down. Again, don’t blame yourself for having the anger but do be gentle with it and at the same time bring more kindness and compassion into your frame of mind.

When you run into a major setback, or even if you are struggling with small setbacks, it can be useful to write a compassionate letter (see pages 2359). This can help to get things in perspective and create the kind, friendly tone. Don’t forget, this letter will be focusing on compassionate attention, thinking and behavior and looking at your courage and abilities – things we often forget and underestimate when we feel bad.

 

22

Summing up

Depression is probably one of the darkest winters of the soul. Researchers throughout the world are trying to work out why we have this capacity to feel as terrible as we do – and many have come up with various explanations. We know that there are many different types of depression, with different causes and factors maintaining it. In this book, we have looked at some common types of depression. Whatever else we say about depression, it is clear that there is a toning down of the positive feelings and a toning up of our threat- and loss-based ones. The emotions of anger, anxiety and dread were originally designed to protect us. It is when they get out of balance that they can have unhelpful effects. One evolved protective strategy is to slow down and hide – try to recuperate. In depression, however, this ‘go to the back of the cave and stay there’ is not conducive to our well-being. Our energy takes a nose-dive, our sleep is affected and of course our thoughts and feelings about ourselves, others and the world we live in are dark. But fundamentally, depression is a brain state and brain pattern to make us lie low when things are stressful. We now know that depression is a potential state of mind that has evolved over many millions of years. Many animals too can show depressed states. We also know that depression is very much linked to the support and acceptance of others and ourselves. We have evolved to be motivated to be wanted, accepted, valued and have status in our relationships. Depression is marked by inner feelings of being distant and cut off from others, with a sense of emotional aloneness.

What comes through from our understanding about depression, and many studies on our human needs, is that we have evolved to be very responsive to kindness – from the day we are born to the day we die. I outlined some of the evidence for this in Chapter 2. Kindness soothes the threat system and indicates helpful resources. This in turn reduces the ‘go to the back of the cave’ protection strategy. This is why it is so important to learn self-kindness, because your brain is designed to respond to it. Depression also relates to our desire to feel in control of our lives rather than controlled. Here are some key ideas.

• Depression is a very varied problem. It ranges from the mild to the severe. Some depressions are associated with much anxiety, others with much anger. Some come on slowly, others quite quickly.

• Accept your depression as a brain state that has been triggered in you rather than feel ashamed of it, fight with it, hate it or condemn yourself. Once you accept it then you are freed to work compassionately with it. You can then take the objective view that by working in a certain way you may be able to shift this brain state. It is about healing our minds.

• There is an important psychological component to every depression, which this book has focused on, but this does not mean that psychological change is all you need to recover from depression. Some people benefit from medication and others require a change in social circumstances.

• Commonly, when we are depressed, we have problems in the way we think and experience ourselves and relationships. We may try to run from our painful emotions or ruminate on unhelpful emotions; our fears, moods and emotions take control over our thinking. Training our mind is a way of gaining control over it. But, like learning to ride a bike or do tricks with a football, it helps if we dedicate ourselves to the training.

• One key path of training is to make a commitment to develop one’s compassion for self and others, and with this one’s wisdom, emotional tolerance, strength and kindness. We can try to practise compassionate attention, thinking, behavior and feeling – each day!

• Compassion feelings can be difficult to experience because that system in our brain is toned down and/or we are frightened of it. It can feel overwhelming, or make us feel sadder; we may feel we don’t deserve it or that we will let ourselves off the hook or become weak. So at first we need to work on compassionate thinking and compassionate behaviour. Think about compassion training as physiotherapy for your brain. It is then a question of step by step, working your exercises to increase your capacity to tolerate and feel compassion.

• Self-help books can be very useful, but of course sometimes we also need professional help. Self-help is no substitute for that. It may be that reading this book has encouraged you to consider whether you might benefit from therapy or other forms of help. If you think you might be depressed then contact your family doctor, who can talk things through with you, assess your symptoms and difficulties and if necessary refer you to a properly trained person.

• Shame can be one of the main reasons why you may be reluctant to seek help, but remember that depression is one of the most common problems that mental health professionals work with. You are far from alone. A similar case can be made for talking with friends; open up to friends, but choose people who you think will be able to understand you.

• Although you may need extra help, there are also many things that you can try to help yourself or at least avoid making your depression worse. To come back to my main point then, make a commitment to develop your abilities to be kind to yourself, able to reflect on your thoughts and your feelings using some of the ideas in this book, and engage in behaviors that have a chance to move you out of the depressed state of mind.

What is helpful?

Researchers are exploring what kind of self-help strategies depressed people find helpful. A review of this has recently been provided by two Australians, Amy Morgan and Anthony Jorm.¹ They broke these strategies down into three groups:

    1  Lifestyle strategies include taking exercise, trying to maintain a regular sleep schedule, increasing activities that are potentially enjoyable (as opposed to boring or dutiful), and recognizing the need for resting. In general this means acting against the push and pull of depression and anxiety. Also important is body care, such as healthy diet and avoiding toxic substances such as drugs that have any influence on one’s mood.

    2  Psychological self-help includes focusing on rewarding oneself for small achievements, recognizing that many others suffer depression and visiting self-help websites (e.g., beyondblue, www.beyondblue.or.au is a particularly good one), trying to break difficulties down into smaller problems, practising mindfulness and monitoring one’s thoughts.

    3  Social strategies include trying to open up to other people, joining support and hobby groups and talking to somebody who has been through depression.

Interestingly, these researchers do not mention the importance of learning compassion to balance one’s mind. Although the Buddha recommended this nearly 3,000 years ago we are only beginning to recognize its power. When you engage in any of these self-help strategies, do it in the spirit of self-support, kindness and compassion.

In addition, think about regularly exercising your brain in the ways described in earlier chapters. There is increasing evidence now that practice may change your brain over time.² However, like playing the piano or golf, you wouldn’t expect to be good at it first time out. Regular practice, however, will improve your abilities. It is the same with compassion.

Keep in mind also that your compassion practice will have three components (see Chapter 8):

    1  opening yourself to compassion from others (including the use of imagery)

    2  compassion that you practise for others

    3  compassion for yourself.

However, we have also looked at the way we can train our minds, direct our attention, thinking and behavior in a compassionate way which is conducive to healing depression; changing the brain state of depression from one of low positive emotion to more balanced emotion.

Don’t get lost in unanswerable questions

When depressed we can feel life is meaningless – we are just oddities on a far-out planet; jumped-up DNA. Try not to get lost in this because 1,000 years from now we will see ourselves very differently. Many scientists are trying to answer the big questions: Why does the universe exist at all, rather than nothing? How can life evolve and why does consciousness exist? What is the meaning of life? We have no good answers! Your dog will never understand or be aware of existing in a material universe with planets. It will not have any notion of how your mind can think – because yours is so different. So there may be things way beyond our comprehension too, because our brains are limited. Don’t set yourself unanswerable questions. We simply cannot answer a question about ultimate meanings in a life process. Rather decide what gives life meaning for you in this lifetime; you may or may not have other lifetimes or types of consciousness. All you can do is focus on this life – right here, right now. Trying to understand your mind and learning the art of compassion for self and others might not be so bad a goal to make life meaningful. Certainly the depressed mind state is the last place you should look for answers to complex questions.

Ten key steps that may help

1  Seek help if you need it, don’t suffer in silence.

2  Go step by step.

3  Break problems down into smaller ones, rather than trying to do everything in one go.

4  Introduce more positive activities into your life.

5  Become more attentive and aware of your thinking and the ideas that go through your mind when you are depressed.

6  Identify your typical thinking styles (e.g., all-or-nothing thinking, discounting the positive aspects of your life). Note especially what you think about yourself, and how you label and treat yourself. Look out for your internal bully. Remember that this can drive you further into, rather than out of, depression.

7  Write down your thoughts to aid clarity and to focus your attention.

8  Identify the key themes in your depression (e.g., your need for approval, shame, unhappy relationships, unrealistic ideals, perfectionism). This will allow you to spot more easily your personal themes when they arise – and to challenge them.

9  Learn to work on your thinking with the use of your rational/compassionate mind. The more you treat yourself with compassion and give up thinking of yourself in terms of inferior, bad, worthless, and so on, the easier it will be for your brain to recover.

10 Try to work on negative thoughts and developing new ways of behaving. However, also expect setbacks and disappointments from time to time.

Finally, remember:

• Your depression may be a state of mind you are in, but your depression is not you.

• Your anxiety may be a state of mind you are in, but your anxiety is not you.

• Your anger may be a state of mind you are in, but your anger is not you.

These states of mind are to do with how your brain was designed over millions of years. They are part of human nature.

Whatever judgements of ‘you’ that your emotions come up with, they are about as reliable as the weather. The more compassionate you are with yourself, the less you will be a ‘fairweather friend’ to yourself. If you can stay a true friend to yourself, even though depressed, you are taking a big step forward. You’re on the way up

Bringing the themes of compassion practice together

Over the next few pages you will see some worksheets that are designed to help you focus on different aspects of compassionate self-help. In essence we are bringing together many of the ideas we have discussed throughout this book. We’ve covered quite a lot of ground, so when you look at the worksheets you may feel they are a bit overwhelming. Don’t worry, however, just follow them through as best you can. You’ll see that they make some logical sense. The key always is to focus on what you think would help you.

Developing your compassion practice

The worksheets at the end of this chapter help you work with specific events and practice. When we are distressed we want to find ways to work with that stress or upset without making it worse. This means we need to think about our attention, how we approach the upset, how we think about this and behaviors to try and deal with it.

This worksheet offers various prompts and ideas designed to help you to practise refocusing your mind and accessing your soothing/contentment system. When threatened or upset, it’s easy to become focused on unpleasant feelings, worries or memories. Recognize them, but also rebalance your system.

Remember the depressed mind will pull our attention and thinking towards loss and threat. We have to make a commitment to focus, think and act against our urges to do nothing, to avoid things, or to dwell on the unhappy things.

Keep in mind that this can be hard and stay as kind and compassionate to yourself as you possibly can – no matter how well or poorly you think you do with any of the following.

One important aspect of practice is how to do it. Probably the best way to begin is to start in small steps, or as big steps as you feel able. We can begin with what we called on pages 151–152 ‘compassion under the duvet’. This means that before you go to sleep and when you wake up spend some time focusing your mind on your soothing breathing rhythm, adopting a kind and friendly facial expression, and creating your compassionate self. The act of imagining that you are this self can be helpful. Of course when we are depressed it can be extremely difficult to get any feelings, or even to bother. However, it is the effort and focusing your mind on compassion that matters. Don’t worry if your mind constantly wanders – just bringing it back again is helpful. Try it for a week and see how you do. If you prefer, you can engage with your compassionate image.

Doing this for a couple of minutes each day (more if you can) might be enough to get you going. What you may find is that you become more aware of the possibility of compassion. When you’re at a bus stop, on a train or in the bath, or anywhere where your mind can run free, you might consider slowing your breathing down and then focusing on a compassionate exercise. Imagine what’s happening in your brain each time you do this. Imagine that those areas of your brain that are conducive to well-being and recovering from depression are being stimulated. As you get more into that practice, you may want to spend more and more time on it. For example, you might put aside 20 minutes or even longer each day, or a few days a week to focus on mindfully developing the feelings of compassion, practising directing compassion to others and to various parts of yourself. It’s useful to keep a journal so that you can see your practice developing over time. You may want to find other groups or retreats where you can take this further.

Keep in mind that we often bring compassion into life through action. For example, someone who is frightened of going out of the house will need to confront that fear at some point by going out. They are more likely to develop the courage to do this if they can attend to a kind, supportive and understanding voice in their head rather than the critical or panicking one. It is the same with depression. We are more likely to be able to develop alternative thinking, accept ourselves and our emotions, and act against our depression if we learn to attend to a kind and supportive voice in our heads rather than critical or pessimistic ones.

So it has been a long journey. Depression can indeed indeed be a dark night of the soul but with practice and compassion we can begin to light a few candles. May your compassion grow with you. We wish you well.