Overcoming Self-Limiting Patterns
Although there is a great deal that you can do to heal your family relationships, it’s often what you stop doing that has the most salutary effect on them. In this chapter, we’ve included a list of five destructive patterns that you must overcome in order to restore your family relationships to a state of radiant good health.
The five patterns are listed below, along with a description of their effects on you and your family relationships. Following each pattern, you will find a simple exercise or series of exercises that have been used successfully by other families to overcome the pattern permanently. If you’ve been trapped by any of the patterns in our list, practice the exercises we’ve provided until the pattern no longer disturbs you or interferes with your relationships.
Pattern 1: Withholding
People who are withholding are unable to express themselves, communicate, or share their feelings and emotions freely with other people including their family members. This makes sharing pleasure, love, intimacy, and joy difficult.
It’s the fear of confronting distorted energy fields and/or the inability to radiate prana and jing freely that sustains the pattern of withholding and prevents most people from overcoming it.
This pattern continued to influence Andrew’s relationship to his two sons Mark and Luke and was instrumental in alienating them from him. It also was part of the group of patterns that had prevented Alan from establishing a healthy relationship with his stepson Dennis.
There are many dynamics created by traditional and non-traditional families that can block an adult’s feelings and emotions and the energy that supports them. The adult child may have had parents who created an environment of fear and/or judgment. This was the case with Andrew’s patchwork family; the adult child may have had a step-parent that withheld affection or rejected the child outright. Another possibility is that siblings competed with the adult child for attention. There are too many possibilities to list all of them here. The important point is that, if you’re stuck in a pattern of withholding, it’s essential to get the blocked energy and jing flowing again.
A successful businessman named Henry, who lived in Seattle, was at a loss to explain why he was unable to sustain a relationship with a woman for more than a few months. He was forty-two when he consulted us—attractive and a self-starter who’d developed a software program that made him rich. Although he complained that none of the women he met were his type, we quickly recognized that the problem stemmed from his self-importance and the withholding pattern that he believed had helped him succeed in business.
What he didn’t realize was that both patterns originated in the foster home where he was raised—and where he was considered to be an interloper by his older foster brother and withholding foster father. Unfortunately, like many successful people, he believed that the same personality traits that had helped him succeed in business would help him succeed in his personal relationships. In fact, rather than ingratiate him with women he dated, those traits did the opposite. They turned them off. In the end, he did find a compatible partner—but only after he’d overcome the pattern of withholding and had strengthened his character.
Solution: to overcome their withholding pattern, Andrew and Henry used the Jing Enhancement Technique to enhance their supply of acquired jing and the Granti Cleansing Technique to release distorted fields of energy that prevented jing from being distributed in a balanced way through their subtle fields.
To perform the Jing Enhancement Technique, see page 124. Once you’ve performed the technique every day for a week, perform the Granti Cleansing Technique along with it every day for at least two more weeks or until withholding is no longer an issue for you.
Exercise: The Granti Cleansing Technique
Grantis are fields of distorted energy that can interfere with the functions of the kidneys, kandas, and the exceptional meridians. Because they can interfere with the functions of these vital organs, they can block the transfer of chi from chakra fields and kandas to the microcosmic circuit and their subsidiary meridians. They can also interfere with the transfer of jing from the internal field of jing to the kidneys, the exceptional meridians, and the physical-material body. Unlike kandas or chakra fields, grantis are concentrations of distorted energy that accumulate near the kandas. The larger the grantis become, the more negative their effect will be. There are three grantis that can interfere directly with the microcosmic circuit and the kidneys.
The lower granti is located just behind the first chakra gate in the region of the first kanda. The middle granti is located just behind the fourth chakra gate, in the region of the second kanda. And the upper granti is located just behind the sixth chakra gate behind the head, in the region of the third kanda (see Figure 15: The Three Grantis).
To begin the exercise, find a comfortable position with your back straight. Then breathe deeply through your nose for two to three minutes. Continue by asserting, “It’s my intent to go to my personal healing space.” Then bring your awareness to your body, soul, and spirit. Enjoy your healing space for five minutes. Then assert, “It’s my intent to locate my lower granti.” Once you’ve located the granti, observe its condition with your appropriate organs of perception, paying particular attention to its size and density. After you’re satisfied that you have seen and/or sensed its condition, assert, “It’s my intent to locate the most distorted field of energy in my lower granti.” Once you can sense or see the distorted field, which will look darker and feel heavier than the surrounding energy, assert, “It’s my intent to surround the distorted field of energy I have in mind with a prana box.” Once you can see and/or sense the box, assert, “It’s my intent to fill the prana box with prana and to release the distorted field of energy within it.” Don’t do anything after that. Prana will fill the box you’ve created and release the distorted field of energy automatically. Continue to enjoy the process for five minutes more. Then count from one to five. When you reach the number five, open your eyes and bring yourself out of the meditation.
Some of you may experience a sense of relief and well-being after prana fills the box. That indicates that the distorted field within the box has been released and prana has filled the vacated space. Continue to perform the exercise regularly, always releasing the most distorted field that remains, until all the distorted fields blocking your kidneys and your ability to express yourself freely have been released.
Pattern 2: Narcissism
Narcissism is more than a distorted form of self-love. It’s a form of self-involvement that compels the narcissistic person to put themselves at the center of all interpersonal interactions including interactions with their friends and family members. A person can get stuck in a pattern of narcissism when their ego has usurped the role of their authentic mind or their I-field has been engorged by fields of distorted consciousness. In either case, the subject’s authentic identity and ability to engage in honest and authentic relationships will be disrupted.
Like the grantis, neither the ego nor the I-field are authentic organs of the subtle field. Both are created by concentrations of energy with individual qualities. The ego is located in the front of body space in the region of the fourth chakra. The stronger and more disruptive the ego has become, the larger and denser it will be.
The I-field is dispersed throughout the subtle field. In extreme cases, when the ego and I-field have usurped the functions of the authentic mind, they can combine with the grantis and other distorted fields to form an inauthentic identity.
Before we move on, it’s important to note that everyone has an authentic identity. Yoga divides a person’s authentic identity into two parts, an individual identity and a universal identity. In Sanskrit, the sacred language of India, individual identity is known as jivamatman, and universal identity is known as paramatman.
The strength of a person’s individual identity will determine whether they will have the resources to successfully participate in a long-term relationship. The strength of their universal identity will determine whether they will be able to achieve and sustain intimacy with a family member in all situations.
If the pattern of narcissism disrupts your individual identity, interferes with your authentic feelings and emotions, and prevents you from having the resources to participate in a long-term relationship, the foundation is in the ego.
If the pattern disrupts your universal identity, blocks your awareness and perception, and makes it difficult for you to achieve or sustain intimacy, then the problem has its foundation in the I-field. If you are unable to do either, then the problem is rooted in both the ego and the I-field.
The foundation of Andrew’s narcissism was distorted I-fields that his father had projected at him and to which he had become attached. At first, he had a problem recognizing this because the very idea elicited fear. To overcome his fear, we taught him to perform the Fearless Mudra to calm his mind and to facilitate his process of reflection (see Figure 18: The Fearless Mudra). Then we asked him to hold a note in each of his hands while he reflected on the pattern.
The note in his right hand stated, “It’s my desire to experience the truth about my pattern of narcissism.” The note in his left hand stated, “It’s my will to know what supports my pattern of narcissism.” He performed this ritual every day for two weeks and discovered that when he tried to center himself in his chest or abdomen, he was blocked. He explained, “When I try to center myself, I feel like there is a hole in my center, and when I try to feel what is in the hole, my awareness is forcibly pushed outside my body space.”
From what he told us, we recognized that the problem was caused by I-fields which had taken control over the front of his body and had left virtually no room for paramatman to emerge and to radiate its universal qualities freely.
Solution: Overcoming a pattern of narcissism is a process that will involve healing yourself as well as healing your family relationships. In the first part of the process, you must determine the root cause of the problem.
If the root cause of the problem lies in both the ego and I-field, you will begin by locating and releasing the most distorted field in the ego using the Bliss Box Technique. When all the offending fields in the ego have been released you will shift your attention to the your I-field and release the offending fields, beginning with the most distorted field, until all the distorted fields supporting the pattern have been released.
In the next part of the process, you will fill your three fields of empathy with bliss every day for a week. We recommend that you do that as soon as you’ve released the distorted fields that supported the pattern.
Exercise: Cleansing the Ego
or I-Field with the Bliss Box
To begin the exercise, find a comfortable position with your back straight. Then breathe deeply through your nose for two to three minutes. Use the Orgasmic Bliss Mudra to bring bliss into your conscious awareness (see Figure 9: The Orgasmic Bliss Mudra).
Hold the mudra for five minutes. If the offending fields are in the ego, then assert, “It’s my intent to experience the most distorted field in my ego that supports my pattern of narcissism.” If the offending field is in the I-field, then substitute I-field for ego. Once you can sense or see the distorted field, which will look darker than the surrounding fields, assert, “It’s my intent to surround the distorted field I have in mind with a bliss box.” Once you can sense and/or see the bliss box, assert, “It’s my intent to fill the bliss box with bliss and to release the distorted field within it.” Don’t do anything after that. Bliss will fill the box you’ve created and release the distorted field automatically. Continue to enjoy the process for ten minutes more. Then count from one to five. When you reach the number five, release the bliss mudra. Then open your eyes and bring yourself out of the exercise. Continue to perform the same exercise on the most distorted field that remains in your ego or I-field until all the distorted fields that support the pattern have been released.
Some of you may experience a sense of relief and well-being when bliss fills the box. That indicates that the distorted field within the box has been released and bliss has filled the vacated space.
Exercise: Filling the Fields of Empathy with Bliss
To begin this exercise, find a comfortable position with your back straight. Then close your eyes and breathe deeply through your nose for two to three minutes. To continue, count backward from five to one and from ten to one. Then perform the Orgasmic Bliss Mudra (see Figure 9: The Orgasmic Bliss Mudra). Continue to hold the mudra while you assert, “It’s my intent to center myself in my three fields of empathy.” Continue by asserting, “It’s my intent to turn my appropriate organs of perception inward on the level of my three fields of empathy.” Take a moment to enjoy the shift. Then assert, “It’s my intent to fill my three fields of empathy with bliss.” Take about fifteen minutes to fill your three fields of empathy with bliss. Then count from one to five. When you reach the number five, release the Orgasmic Bliss Mudra, open your eyes, and bring yourself out of the exercise. Continue to perform the exercise every day for seven consecutive days.
Pattern 3: Dependency
Dependent people have a distorted view of love and intimacy. Instead of nourishing their relationships with prana, jing, and pure consciousness, they weaken their relationships by projecting fields of distorted energy at their relationship partners. They do that in order to hold on to a person they consider significant or to create a relationship that makes them feel comfortable, even if their comfort comes at the expense of someone else.
Solution: Since dependency is related to both a lack of self-esteem and a lack of personal power, to overcome the pattern, you will perform three exercises. For the first two weeks of the process, you will perform the Self-Esteem Mudra. Starting in the third week, you will replace the Self-Esteem Mudra with the Dantian Vitality Technique and the Microcosmic Circuit Meditation. We recommend that you continue to practice both exercises every day for at least a month—or until dependency has become a thing of the past.
Exercise: The Self-Esteem Mudra
To perform the Self-Esteem Mudra, sit in a comfortable position with your back straight. Breathe deeply through your nose for two to three minutes. Then form a cup with your hands. Once you’ve formed the cup, place the sides of your thumbs together and your left index fingers—from the tip to the first joint—over the tip of the right index finger as far as the first joint. Do the same with your middle fingers. Then put the tips of your ring fingers and the tips of your pinky fingers together. Press your tongue up against the roof of your mouth and slide it back until the roof becomes soft. Then put the soles of your feet together. Hold the mudra for ten minutes while you breathe in and out from your solar plexus.
Figure 16: The Self-Esteem Mudra
Exercise: Dantian Vitality Technique
To begin the exercise, find a comfortable position with your back straight. Then close your eyes and breathe deeply through your nose for two to three minutes. Continue by asserting, “It’s my intent to go to my personal healing space.” Then bring your awareness to your body, soul, and spirit. Enjoy your healing space for five minutes. Then assert, “It’s my intent to center myself in my lower dantian.” Once you’re centered, assert, “It’s my intent to fill my lower dantian with chi and jing.” Take five minutes to enjoy the process. Then remove your mental attention from your lower dantian and assert, “It’s my intent to center myself in my middle dantian.” Once you’re centered, assert, “It’s my intent to fill my middle dantian with chi and jing.” Take five minutes to enjoy the process. Then remove your mental attention from your middle dantian and assert, “It’s my intent to center myself in my upper dantian.” Once you’re centered, assert, “It’s my intent to fill my upper dantian with chi and jing.” Continue to enjoy the process for ten minutes more. Then count from one to five. When you reach the number five, open your eyes and bring yourself out of the exercise.
Practice the Dantian Vitality Technique every day for a week along with the following exercise.
Exercise: The Microcosmic Circuit Meditation
To perform the Microcosmic Circuit Meditation, see page 108.
Perform the Microcosmic Circuit Meditation along with the Dantian Vitality Technique for at least a month more or until the pattern of dependency no longer influences your relationships.
Pattern 4: Control
People who need to control their environment (and other people) cannot express their feelings or emotions freely or experience unconditional joy because they lack space within themselves on the subtle levels of energy and consciousness. The problem can be caused by several interlocking patterns that prevent an adult from accepting things without having to modify their environment.
There are two issues that must be addressed in order to heal this pattern and the relationship problems that it creates. The first issue is the lack of space in the subtle field created by blockages in the kidneys. These blockages can prevent jing emerging from the internal field of jing from radiating into the kidneys and exceptional meridians. Without enough jing, a person will be trapped within a severely limited comfort zone without the ability to express themselves freely.
The second issue is the disruption of the family dynamic. Family members will suffer from the projections of the controlling family member because the controlling family member will be compelled to project distorted energy into the family field in an effort to control the family environment. Projections such as these will interfere with the well-being of family members and will eventually disrupt family relationships.
We faced this situation when we worked with Hanna. To restore the space she needed on the subtle levels, we helped her to enhance her kidney jing. Once her kidney jing was restored to a healthy level, we began to heal the family dynamic by having Hanna locate and release the controlling fields she had projected at her husband and children.
Solution: To overcome Hanna’s need to control, we had her use the Prana Box Technique to release blockages in her kidneys. Then she filled them with internal jing. By the time she’d finished, she had more space to express her feelings and authentic emotions freely and to feel unconditional joy once again. We also had her use the prana box to release the controlling waves she’d projected at her husband and children. After Hanna overcame her pattern of control, we taught her along with Barry to perform the Boundary Safety Net, which you will learn to perform in Chapter Seventeen.
Exercise: Kidney Chi Restoration Technique
To begin the exercise, find a comfortable position with your back straight. Then close your eyes and breathe deeply through your nose for two to three minutes. Continue by asserting, “It’s my intent to go to my personal healing space.” Then bring your awareness to your body, soul, and spirit. Enjoy your healing space for five minutes. Then assert, “It’s my intent to surround my right kidney with a prana box.” As soon as you can see and/or feel the prana box, assert, “It’s my intent to fill the prana box with prana and release all the distorted fields within it.” Since the prana that fills the box will be releasing several fields at once, give the process some time to be completed (see the following text). Once you feel that the blockages have been released, assert, “It’s my intent to surround my left kidney with a prana box.” As soon as you can see and/or feel the prana box, assert, “It’s my intent to fill the prana box with prana and release all the distorted fields within it.” After giving the process enough time to finish, assert, “It’s my intent to fill my kidneys and the exceptional meridians with jing from my internal jing field.” By filling your kidneys and exceptional meridians with internal jing, you will not only enhance the amount of jing you have available but enhance its ability to flow freely through your subtle field.
Enjoy the process for ten minutes more. Then count from one to five. When you reach the number five, open your eyes and bring yourself out of the exercise. We recommend that you practice the exercise every day for two weeks—or until the pattern of control no longer disturbs you or your relationships.
Once you’re confident that prana has replaced the blockages you’ve released, you must locate the controlling waves that you projected at your family members and release them. To do that, you will use the Visual Screen Technique and the Prana Box Technique.
Controlling waves are waves of energy with individual qualities. In most cases, they’re projected by someone who seeks to control their environment and/or change an aspect of another person’s behavior and/or personality.
Controlling waves are normally wedge-shaped when they emerge from the perpetrator’s energy field. However, once the controlling wave has entered a family member’s energy field, it will quickly expand until it fills a large portion of it.
Whenever someone projects an attitude, thought, emotion, feeling, or inauthentic desire at a family member, they can project a controlling wave.
In most cases, the controlling wave will remain intact as long as it serves the perpetrator’s purpose, which can be as simple as holding on to someone, even if the desire or need for relationship isn’t reciprocated. You can use the following exercise to locate and release a controlling wave that you or someone in your family has projected at another family member. Always begin by releasing the most disruptive controlling wave and continue until all of the controlling waves have been released.
Exercise: Releasing Controlling Waves
To begin the exercise, choose a family member who you believe has been affected by your need to control. Then find a comfortable position with your back straight. Close your eyes and breathe deeply through your nose for two to three minutes. Then count backward from five to one and from ten to one. Continue by asserting, “It’s my intent to go to my personal healing space.” Then bring your awareness to your body, soul, and spirit. Enjoy your healing space for five minutes. Then assert, “It’s my intent to create a white screen eight feet (two and a half meters) in front of me.” Once the visual screen has materialized, assert, “It’s my intent to visualize (name of family member) on the screen.” Immediately, you will see their image appear on the screen in a size to fit comfortably. Observe it for about two to three minutes; then assert, “It’s my intent to locate the most distorted controlling wave that I projected at (family member’s name).” Observe it for a moment. Then assert, “It’s my intent to surround the controlling wave I have in mind with a prana box.” Once the box appears, assert, “It’s my intent to fill the prana box with prana and release the controlling wave within it.” Don’t do anything else. The prana in the box will release the controlling wave automatically. After the controlling wave has been released, release the image you created and the visual screen. Then count from one to five. When you reach the number five, open your eyes and bring yourself out of the exercise.
Some of you may experience a sense of relief and well-being when prana fills the box. That indicates that the controlling wave within the box has been released and prana has filled the vacated space.
We recommend that you continue to perform the same exercise on the most distorted controlling wave that remains until all of the controlling waves that you projected at a family member have been released.
Pattern 5: Chaos
A pattern of chaos can be created if your field of chaos has become overloaded with destabilizing fields of energy and consciousness. The pattern can be aggravated further by the projection of distorted energy or consciousness into a specific area of your subtle field by someone who has focused their minds on you—or consistently disapproves of you and what you are doing.
The field of chaos serves as a collection center, where subtle fields that contribute to chaos are gathered. Once enough of these fields have accumulated, they will interfere with your ability to participate in healthy family relationships by disrupting the functions of your authentic mind.
If you consistently project chaos into your relationships because you’re undependable, jealous, don’t know what you want, can’t finish anything you start, or can’t relax or feel empathy for other people, then you are trapped in chaotic fields of energy and/or consciousness.
Solution: If you’ve determined that you suffer from a pattern of chaos, you can overcome it by performing an exercise we developed from a guiding principle of the Bhagavad Gita. The Gita, a revered Yogic text, teaches that enlightenment can only be achieved when the field of knowledge (the physical and non-physical universe), the knower (your authentic mind), and knowledge (universal energy and consciousness) become one.
People who are chaotic and project subtle fields of chaos at other people are trapped in the field of knowledge (the physical and non-physical universe) without access to the knower (the authentic mind) and knowledge (universal energy and consciousness). To liberate yourself from chaos, you will center yourself in field of the knower first. Then you will center yourself in the field of knowledge—both of which will emerge as large fields within your subtle field. Once you’ve centered yourself in each field, you will fill them with prana and bliss. If you fill both fields with prana and bliss every day for a month, chaos will diminish and you will feel more stable and secure in your subtle field.
Our work with Jose and Monica illustrates how chaos can disrupt an otherwise healthy relationship. Jose and Monica consulted us in 2012. Jose had been a surfer for most of his life. But in his early forties, he’d developed severe arthritis in his ankles and shoulders, which made it impossible for him to continue surfing. Surfing had always had a soothing effect on Jose’s otherwise active mind. It had calmed his nerves and shielded him from the worst effects of his relationship with his alcoholic father. Without his sport, which he’d practiced since he was a child, his thinking became overwhelmingly negative and chaotic. This disrupted his business, a surf shop, which he’d owned for more than twenty years. And it had begun to undermine his relationship to Monica, who—because of his chaotic condition—had started an affair with a local surfer-turned-businessman.
In order to overcome the pattern of chaos, we had Jose perform the Stability Restoration Technique in the following text. We recommend that you try it if you suffer from a pattern of chaos or if you’ve had difficulty controlling your mind and remaining stable during times of stress.
Exercise: The Stability Restoration Technique
To begin the exercise, find a comfortable position with your back straight. Then close your eyes and breathe deeply through your nose for two to three minutes. Continue by performing the Orgasmic Bliss Mudra (see Figure 9: The Orgasmic Bliss Mudra). Hold the mudra for five minutes. After five minutes, continue to hold the mudra while you assert, “It’s my intent to center myself in the field of the knower.” Once you’re centered, continue by asserting, “It’s my intent to fill my field of the knower with bliss and prana.” Enjoy the process for five minutes. Then assert, “It’s my intent to center myself in my field of knowledge.” Once you’re centered, assert, “It’s my intent to fill my field of knowledge with bliss and prana.” Enjoy the process for ten minutes more. Then count from one to five. When you reach the number five, open your eyes and bring yourself out of the meditation.
If you fill both the field of the knower and the field of knowledge with prana and bliss every day for a month, chaos will diminish, and you will feel more stable and secure in your subtle field.
Jose benefited from the technique almost immediately. Within two weeks, he experienced a dramatic change in his attitude, and he began to feel more stable. Even without his sport, Jose reported that he felt calm and in control of his thinking processes. After performing the exercise for an additional two weeks, he taught the technique to Monica and they practiced it together for several more weeks. During that time, Monica confessed that she was having an affair with another man. How they solved this problem and reconciled will be explained in the following chapters.