CONTENTS
Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Introduction
COUPLES
The Breaking Up of the Winships /
James Thurber
The House of Mirth /
Peter De Vries
The Zagat History of My Last Relationship /
Noah Baumbach
8 Simple Rules for Dating My Ex-Wife /
David Owen
Audio Tour /
Patricia Marx
Share Our Joy /
Larry Doyle
THE FLESH IS WEAK
Frigidity in Men /
E. B. White
The New Yorker Advisor /
Roger Angell
The Whore of Mensa /
Woody Allen
Artichoke /
Polly Frost
My Sexual Fantasies /
Jim Windolf
Aristotle on Relationships /
Frank Gannon
Four Short Crushes /
Paul Simms
CHILDREN’S HOURS
Stage Father /
Calvin Trillin
Shiftless Little Loafers /
Susan Orlean
Recently Discovered Childhood Letters to Santa /
Johnny Carson
How to Lay Off Your Kids /
Carina Chocano
Camp Correspondence /
Bruce McCall
College Essay /
Christopher Buckley
Inappropriate /
Paul Rudnick
The Wisdom of Children /
Simon Rich
Hey, Look /
Simon Rich
ANIMAL CRACKERS
Coyote v. Acme /
Ian Frazier
What to Do About Sharks /
Bruce McCall
All I Really Need to Know I Learned by Having My Arms Ripped Off by a Polar Bear /
Andrew Barlow
Animals All Around Us /
Jack Handey
The Living Dead /
David Sedaris
Talking Chimp Gives His First Press Conference /
Paul Simms
My Dog Is Tom Cruise /
Noah Baumbach
Aesop in the City /
Yoni Brenner
Monkey Do /
Yoni Brenner
Animal Tales /
Simon Rich
NO BUSINESS LIKE SHOW BUSINESS
Farewell, My Lovely Appetizer /
S. J. Perelman
Early Morning of a Motion Picture Executive /
Thomas Meehan
Hollywood in the Fifties /
Garrison Keillor
Running Through the Wall /
Frank Gannon
The Envelope, Please: A Viewer’s Guide to the Emmys /
Jon Stewart
Theatre-Lobby Notices /
Andy Borowitz
Review /
Patricia Marx
Studio Script Notes on
The Passion
/
Steve Martin
Why We Strike /
Larry Doyle
ARTISTS AND AUTHORS
Theory and Practice of Editing
New Yorker
Articles /
Wolcott Gibbs
Life Cycle of a Literary Genius /
E. B. White
Complete Guide for Book Reviewers /
Ruth Suckow
How to Tell a Major Poet from a Minor Poet /
E. B. White
The Metterling Lists /
Woody Allen
Without Whose Unfailing Encouragement /
H. F. Ellis
Jack Schmidt, Arts Administrator /
Garrison Keillor
England Picks a Poet /
Ian Frazier
Settling an Old Score /
Veronica Geng
Unspoken O’Neill /
Henry Alford
Van Gogh in AOL /
Noah Baumbach
Picasso Promoting
Lady with a Fan
/
Steve Martin
Suitable for Framing /
David Sedaris
Ideas for Paintings /
Jack Handey
The Knowledge /
Henry Alford
SONG OF MYSELF
The Little Hours /
Dorothy Parker
The Early Essays /
Woody Allen
I Embrace the New Candor /
George W. S. Trow
Carbohydrates /
Polly Frost
Shiksa Goddess /
Wendy Wasserstein
Lowering My Standards /
Jack Handey
Suffering Fools Gladly /
Andy Borowitz
An Announcement /
Mark Singer
Pledge Drive /
Patricia Marx
Thin Enough /
Ian Frazier
Awake /
Jenny Allen
REAL IMITATIONS
A Visit from Saint Nicholas /
James Thurber
Intruder in the Dusk /
Peter De Vries
No Kaddish for Weinstein /
Woody Allen
Rolled in Rare Bohemian Onyx, Then Vulcanized by Hand /
Bruce McCall
Oldfinger /
Frank Cammuso and Hart Seely
The Last Catalogue /
John Kenney
The Ethicist /
Steve Martin
Under the Provençal Deadline /
Bruce McCall
Jewelers’ Caesar /
Anthony Lane
Class Notes /
Ian Frazier
Air Pockets /
Bruce McCall
The Lonely Planet Guide to My Apartment /
Jonathan Stern
Ask the Optimist! /
George Saunders
TESTAMENTS AND DECLARATIONS
The Diary of a Lady /
Dorothy Parker
The Secret Life of James Thurber /
James Thurber
End of the Trail /
Garrison Keillor
My and Ed’s Peace Proposals /
Veronica Geng
You Missed It /
George W. S. Trow
A Man Who Can’t Love /
George W. S. Trow
How I’m Doing /
David Owen
A Prayer /
Paul Simms
My Living Will /
Paul Rudnick
What I’d Say to the Martians /
Jack Handey
This Is No Game /
Jack Handey
Proclamation /
George Saunders
THE GREAT AND THE GOOD
What, Another Legend? /
Marshall Brickman
The New York Review of Gossip /
Marshall Brickman
The Bloomsbury Group Live at the Apollo /
Ian Frazier
Kimberley Solzhenitsyn’s Calendar /
Ian Frazier
Record Roundup /
Veronica Geng
Babe Ruth: My Teammate, My Lover /
Roger Angell
Donald Rumsfeld Orders Breakfast at Denny’s /
Frank Gannon
What Would Jesus Test-Drive? /
Jesse Lichtenstein
Intelligent Design /
Paul Rudnick
Jeeves and W. /
Christopher Buckley
EXPLANATIONS AND ADVISORIES
So You’re Going to New York /
Robert Benchley
A Hard Day at the Office /
Peter De Vries
A Look at Organized Crime /
Woody Allen
The People’s Shopper /
Garrison Keillor
Seek Dwellings for MX /
Cathleen Schine
Side Effects /
Steve Martin
Superstring Theory for Dummies /
Zev Borow
Researchers Say /
Ian Frazier
Brainteasers: The Aftermath /
Don Steinberg
A Survey of the Literature /
George Saunders
Your Table Is Ready /
John Kenney
Pre-Approved for Platinum /
Frank Gannon
May We Tell You Our Specials This Evening? /
Larry Doyle
Getting Started /
Bruce McCall
I’m Afraid I Have Some Bad News /
Larry Doyle
How to Operate the Shower Curtain /
Ian Frazier
PA
S
T IMPERFECT
No Starch in the Dhoti, S’il Vous Plaît /
S. J. Perelman
More, and Still More, Memories of the Nineteen-Twenties /
Michael J. Arlen
The Pickwick Capers /
Bruce McCall
The Gospel of Debbie /
Paul Rudnick
1992 House /
Billy Frolick
Further Proof That Lincoln Was Gay /
Paul Rudnick
FIELD NOTES FROM ALL OVER
Show Dog /
Susan Orlean
The Tired Chronicles /
Betsy Berne
Paranoid Packaging /
John Updike
Conscientious Consumption /
David Brooks
The End Matter /
Louis Menand
The Underminer /
Mike Albo and Virginia Heffernan
Model Citizens /
Nancy Franklin
Space Case /
Anthony Lane
PERSONAL HISTORY
The Night the Bed Fell /
James Thurber
The Huntress /
Wolcott Gibbs
One /
Peter De Vries
Disquiet, Please, We’re Turning! /
S. J. Perelman
Confessions of a Standup Sausage Eater /
Calvin Trillin
A Purim Story /
Adam Gopnik
In the Waiting Room /
David Sedaris
Tasteless /
David Sedaris
Notes on Contributors