13. The ParentShift Solutions Process
So much of parenting rests in a single word: Response. To be a parent is to respond to our children—to their questions, problems, feelings, and, most important, their needs. To be a parent is to respond even though we know that our children will react to our responses and that those reactions will require responses, and so on. Quickly, and all too often, troubleshooting from the hip can take us deep into rabbit holes in a matter of moments.
The laziest thing to do (and we are all guilty of this) is to just go with our guts. React the way that seems right in the moment, and hope for the best. And, hey, sometimes we get lucky! Our kids are satisfied, and we all move on. But then there are those damn rabbit holes. The deeper we go, the easier it is to get away from the “selves” we want to be and instead embrace the reactive part of our brains that want nothing more than for our kids to give us the words we are craving:
“Okay, Dad!”
“You’re right, Mom!”
“Great idea, my most loving, loyal, incredible parent! Thanks!”
Specifically, it’s our desire for the “okay” that often makes us impatient, feeds our tempers, and leads us to make decisions that corrode the invisible thread that ties us to our kids. We pull away from them, rather than drawing closer. We assert our power over them, instead of inspiring them to become responsible for themselves. We forget to treat them the way we want to be treated. And that—the ethic of reciprocity—is still the barometer by which we measure common decency, morality, and kindness. Yes, even with children.
Welcome to the new paradigm.
The good news—no, the great news!—is that the vast majority of the challenges we face right now with our children, whether they are ages two, six, twelve, or seventeen, are solved with minimal drama and consternation when we are fully aware of how kids work and are willing to honor it.
A Blueprint That Adapts to You
The ParentShift Solutions Process is not meant to press you into some predetermined parenting mold. It’s meant to release you from the parenting mythology that has weighed down generations of caregivers and to supply you with a general structure for handling just about any problem within the style of heart-centered parenting. The process is designed to:
• deepen your relationship with your child
• preserve your child’s self-esteem
• prevent more serious problems from cropping up down the line
• prepare your child to meet the challenges of later life
Say, you’re building a house. Yes, you can choose between a wood and brick exterior; yes, you can insulate your walls with fiberglass instead of foam. But regardless of your preferences and personal flare, there still is a basic formula for building a house, right? You must have some rudimentary knowledge of engineering if you want to build a home that will withstand the elements of nature for years to come.
Likewise, some basic knowledge of children is required to build a family that can withstand the elements of life for years to come. The ten universal truths are that basic knowledge. Understand what they mean and how to honor them, and you are well on your way to engineering a strong, resilient, high-functioning kid—as beautiful on the inside as on the outside.
To recap, here are the ten universal truths about children:
1. All children have emotional needs.
2. All children have innate, neurological responses to stress.
3. All children must express their feelings.
4. All children go through developmental stages.
5. All children are born with unique temperaments.
6. All children model their primary caregivers.
7. All children need opportunities to solve their own problems.
8. All children need caregivers who honor personal boundaries.
9. All children need age-appropriate limits on their behavior.
10. All children move through and between four levels of discouragement in response to unmet needs.
Let’s say your eight-year-old is having a mini-meltdown at the checkout isle of the grocery store. Is it a relationship problem or a systems problem? A parent-owned challenge or a child-owned challenge? Is it a boundaries or limits issue? Might his feelings be related to a developmental stage? Or does the kid just need a snack?
More important, what the heck are you supposed to do once you figure it out? How do you solve this embarrassing little episode without bribery, threats, or punishment? How do you keep your head about you in that situation? How do you get through it in a heart-centered way?
Maybe—hopefully!—you have a pretty good idea about how to answer these questions, having just read this book. But if you are anything like us, your memory of what you’ve learned here will soon fade and you’ll find yourself facing a brand-new challenge three months from now—your child will refuse to cooperate, or will dislike a new teacher, or will withdraw to his room every chance he gets—and you’ll be at a loss for what to do.
That’s why we designed the ParentShift Solutions Process, a series of fourteen questions—the answers to which dictate the toolkits you need to move past each particular problem. It may seem complicated in theory, but we assure you, it’s not in practice. Here’s how it works:
When facing a challenge or conflict with your child, you begin asking yourself the questions. The questions are things like: “Are you in the zone?” “Is your child in the zone?” “Is this related to a temperament or developmental stage?” “Does it involve a limit, boundary, or request?” “Are your child’s seven SPECIAL emotional needs being met?”
At first, you’ll move slowly through each question, picking and choosing the tools that feel right for you with thoughtfulness and deliberation. You might try out a few different tools or play around with what works best in your family and for your children.
But, soon, the process will move much more quickly. You’ll bypass the irrelevant questions and go straight to the toolkits that you know you’ll need.
Finally—and here’s the best part—you’ll commit the questions and corresponding tools to memory. The ParentShift Solutions Process will become part of your natural thought process. You’ll no longer find yourself searching madly for the “right” tools because the tools will be inside you already. They will have become a part of how you live your life.
Until then, though, we highly recommend moving through the entire process, one question and one toolkit at a time, and not stopping until you reach the end. After all, many challenges have more than one “cause,” and it’s most effective if you collect all the tools you need before trying to address an issue rather than rushing things and winding up responding to your child’s behavior in a piecemeal fashion.
The ParentShift Solutions Process begins as soon as a conflict or challenge arises.
The ParentShift Solutions Process
Question #1: Are you out of the “zone”?
If you have you been emotionally triggered—that is, you feel compelled to react angrily instead of responding thoughtfully or empathetically—your first order of business is to stop and get back in the zone before continuing the process. Use the Self-Regulation Toolkit.
Question #2: Is the child out of the “zone”?
If the child has been emotionally triggered—that is, she is screaming, yelling, exhibiting physical aggression, or acting irrationally—you’ll want to refrain from problem-solving until your child is back in the zone. Use the Child-Regulation Toolkit.
Question #3: Is the child expressing strong emotions?
If your child seems especially emotional—but is in the zone—your job is to help him feel heard and understood. This will help keep your child in the zone. Use the Empathy Toolkit, then keep it at the ready as you continue the process; strong emotions can pop up at any time.
Question #4: Have you ruled out physical discomfort?
If you believe the child’s behavior is the result of a physical discomfort—hunger, fatigue, overstimulation, or minor illness—address the need as soon as possible.
Questions #5: Might the challenge be related to a life change, disorder, disability, or trauma?
If you believe the behavior involves an acute or chronic form of childhood adversity—a new baby, a death in the family, divorce, abuse, or any of the other stressors listed (click here), consider seeking specialized or professional help. But do keep in mind that, even if outside assistance is needed, the ten universal truths still apply to the child, and every challenge will be lessened by honoring them.
Question #6: Does the challenge relate to the child’s developmental stage or temperament?
This is a trick question in that there is only one answer: yes. The child’s unique developmental and temperamental characteristics always play a role in the challenges you face with that child. Use the Stages & Temperaments Toolkit.
Question #7: Do you play a role in the challenge?
This question, too, only has one possible answer, and this answer, too, is yes. We always play a role. To help you discover and address the part you play, use the Self-ReflectionToolkit.
Question #8: Is there a natural consequence of the child’s choice or behavior?
If there is a natural consequence, you must then ask yourself, “Is the consequence unhealthy, unsafe, too long range for the child to connect cause and effect, or in violation of someone’s boundaries or limits?” If the answer is no, then this is a child-owned challenge. Let natural consequences play out, and use the Child-Owned Challenges Toolkit.
Question #9: Does this involve a sibling conflict?
If siblings (or close friends or cousins or peers) are fighting, you first need to determine whether it’s a Round I or Round II fight. (Click here if you’re not sure.) Round I fights need no intervention; Round II fights do. Use your Sibling Revelry Toolkit to address and prevent sibling conflicts.
Question #10: Are the child’s seven SPECIAL needs being met?
Run down the list of emotional needs: Smile, Powerful, Explore, Connection, Important, Attention, and Love. If you believe the child may perceive that she is lacking in at least one of these key areas, you have a relationship problem. Rely heavily on the Needs Toolkit, and ask yourself Questions 10 (a) to 10 (d) to determine which level of discouragement the child is currently experiencing.
Question #10 (a): Is your child demanding your attention?
If you feel irritated, annoyed, bothered, tired, frustrated, interrupted, or nagged, the answer is probably yes. Use the Demands for Attention Toolkit.
Question #10 (b): Are you and your child in a power struggle?
If you feel angry, challenged, threatened, provoked, defeated, or as though you must punish the child, the answer is probably yes. Use the Power Struggles Toolkit.
Question #10 (c): Is your child seeking revenge?
If you feel hurt, shocked, rejected, unloved, unappreciated, or enraged, the answer is probably yes. Use the Revenge Toolkit.
Question #10 (d): Is your child displaying inadequacy?
If you feel pity, helplessness, sympathy, lack of faith in child, or like giving up, the answer is probably yes. Use the Inadequacy Toolkit.
Question #11: Does the challenge involve a reasonable boundary that either you or your child has set?
If your child’s behavior violates or threatens to violate one of your personal boundaries, use the “boundary-setting” part of the Boundaries Toolkit. If your child has denied a request you have made, and this is a reasonable time to allow your child to practice boundary-setting, use the “boundary-honoring” part of the Boundaries Toolkit.
Question #12: Does the challenge involve a limit you have set?
If your child challenges or violates a limit you have set or an agreement you have made, or alternatively, you keep making the same request of your child over and over again, you may have a systems problem. Use the Limits Toolkit, but keep in mind that relationship problems must be addressed before systems problems.
Question #13: Did you locate the tools to assist you in handling this challenge?
If not, you’ll want to go through the process one more time to be sure you didn’t miss anything, or visit parentshiftbook.com for more information. Use the Needs Toolkit to minimize future challenges.
Question #14: Did you display win-win cooperation, enhance your relationship with your child, and treat your child the way you would want to be treated?
These three benchmarks are the gold standard as far as heart-centered parenting goes. If you achieved these, congratulations! You’ve successfully completed the ParentShift Solutions Process. If not, don’t fret! Just reconnect with your child as soon as you can, and know that another opportunity to hone your skills lies just around the corner. In either case, use the Needs Toolkit to minimize future challenges.
• PAUSE, BREATHE, and ASK, “What does my child need in this moment?”
• Be a RESPONDER, not a reactor.
• TABLE IT.
• Give yourself a SENSORY EXPERIENCE.
• Be a ROLE MODEL for self-regulation.
• Use “STOP, DROP, ZERO TALK.”
• STAY CLOSE and KEEP EVERYONE SAFE FROM HARM.
• When appropriate, offer a SENSORY EXPERIENCE.
• Remember the THREE STAGES OF THE TANTRUM.
• EMBRACE THE TANTRUM.
• When appropriate, invite the child to use SELF-CALMING AREA.
• GET ON THE CHILD’S LEVEL.
• BECOME THE CONTAINER.
• LABEL THE EMOTION.
• Use FEELING ACKNOWLEDGERS.
• Look for at least THREE CONNECTED CUES.
• After the child feels heard, ask EMPOWERING QUESTIONS.
• Avoid giving in to RESCUE REQUESTS.
• Watch for signs that the child may be “CHANGING FORM OR CHANGING TARGET.”
• Avoid FEELING BLOCKERS.
• Check your child’s DEVELOPMENTAL STAGE (Appendix C).
• ADJUST YOUR EXPECTATIONS.
• QUIT TAKING IT PERSONALLY (Q-TIP).
• EXPECT SOME REGRESSION.
• Know your child’s TEMPERAMENTAL CHARACTERISTICS.
• Use ENCOURAGING WORDS specific to your child’s temperament (pages 158–162).
• Identify PARENTING OPPORTUNITIES specific to your child’s temperament (pages 158–162).
• WATCH THOSE LABELS.
• DON’T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF.
• Acknowledge your PROJECTIONS—both negative and positive.
• When triggered, say to yourself, “ISN’T THAT INTERESTING?”
• MODEL the behavior you wish to see.
• ACCEPT AND SHARE YOUR OWN MISTAKES.
• FALL ON YOUR SWORD.
• HIT REWIND.
• Ask the SIX SELF-REFLECTIVE QUESTIONS.
• Practice SELF-FORGIVENESS.
Child-Owned Challenges Toolkit
• Allow NATURAL CONSEQUENCES to play out.
• SHOW CONFIDENCE in your child.
• AVOID RESCUING and HELICOPTERING.
• ACCEPT YOUR CHILD’S SOLUTION, whatever it is.
• Borrow liberally from the EMPATHY TOOLKIT (specifically, GET ON THE CHILD’S LEVEL, BECOME THE CONTAINER, use FEELING ACKNOWLEDGERS, and ask EMPOWERING QUESTIONS).
• Ignore ROUND I FIGHTS.
• Follow PROTOCOL FOR MEDIATING ROUND II FIGHTS.
• Follow the TEN TIPS FOR PREVENTING SIBLING CONFLICTS.
• Consider BIRTH ORDER when responding to behavior.
• Ask, “How can I meet my child’s EMOTIONAL NEEDS in this moment?”
• Keep your child’s EMOTIONAL BANK ACCOUNT full.
• ADD FUN TO THE MUNDANE (Appendix A).
• Hand over AGE-APPROPRIATE RESPONSIBILITIES (Appendix B).
• Offer three GEMs a day.
• Take child on regular ONE-ON-ONE DATES.
• GIVE CHOICES—concrete, win-win, and playful.
• GIVE INFORMATION, instead of commands.
• Create an effective CHORE SYSTEM, such as the FAMILY JOB WHEEL.
• Consider an APPRECIATION CIRCLE.
• Make HIGH-LEVEL CONNECTIONS.
• Make time for SELF CARE.
• Be mindful of the TWO LEGS OF SELF-ESTEEM.
• Replace praise with ENCOURAGEMENT.
• PAUSE-BREATHE-ASK.
• Use SILENT ATTENTION when necessary.
• Borrow liberally from NEEDS TOOLKIT (specifically, use GEMs, schedule ONE-ON-ONE DATES, say “FOR A MINUTE” (instead of “In a minute”), ask for CHILD’S ASSISTANCE, and make HIGH-LEVEL CONNECTIONS).
• Borrow liberally from the EMPATHY TOOLKIT (specifically, GET ON THE CHILD’S LEVEL, BECOME THE CONTAINER, use FEELING ACKNOWLEDGERS, and ask EMPOWERING QUESTIONS).
• PAUSE-BREATHE-ASK.
• WITHDRAW from the power struggle.
• Ask, “How can I give my child MORE AUTHENTIC POWER in this moment, and what am I WILLING TO GIVE UP in order to stop the struggle?”
• Follow EIGHT TIPS FOR SIDESTEPPING POWER STRUGGLES.
• Find a CREATIVE WAY TO SAY NO.
• Borrow liberally from the EMPATHY TOOLKIT (specifically, GET ON THE CHILD’S LEVEL, BECOME THE CONTAINER, use FEELING ACKNOWLEDGERS, and ask EMPOWERING QUESTIONS).
• Borrow liberally from the NEEDS TOOLKIT (specifically, use GEMs, schedule ONE-ON-ONE DATES, GIVE CHOICES, GIVE INFORMATION, and hand over more AGE-APPROPRIATE RESPONSIBILITIES).
• PAUSE-BREATHE-ASK.
• FALL ON YOUR SWORD.
• FORGIVE your child and yourself.
• Borrow liberally from the EMPATHY TOOLKIT (specifically, GET ON THE CHILD’S LEVEL, BECOME THE CONTAINER, use FEELING ACKNOWLEDGERS, and ask EMPOWERING QUESTIONS).
• Borrow liberally from the NEEDS TOOLKIT (specifically, use GEMs, schedule ONE-ON-ONE DATES, make time for SELF CARE, and be mindful of the TWO LEGS OF SELF-ESTEEM).
• PAUSE-BREATHE-ASK.
• Suggest SMALL STEPS and ALLOW PLENTY OF TIME to complete tasks.
• STAY CLOSE and allow NATURAL CONSEQUENCES to play out.
• Use ENCOURAGING PHRASES.
• ACCEPT AND SHARE YOUR MISTAKES.
• Role-model a “CAN-DO” ATTITUDE and POSITIVE SELF-TALK.
• Borrow liberally from the EMPATHY TOOLKIT (specifically, GET ON THE CHILD’S LEVEL, BECOME THE CONTAINER, use FEELING ACKNOWLEDGERS, and ask EMPOWERING QUESTIONS).
• Borrow liberally from the NEEDS TOOLKIT (specifically, give GEMs, schedule ONE-ON-ONE DATES, hand over more AGE-APPROPRIATE RESPONSIBILITY, and replace praise with ENCOURAGEMENT).
Boundary-Setting
• Use FEELING ACKNOWLEDGERS.
• Be sure the boundary is REASONABLE.
• IDENTIFY THE BOUNDARY.
• Ask EMPOWERING QUESTIONS.
• Offer to BRAINSTORM solutions around the boundary.
Boundary-Honoring
• Consider EIGHT SIMPLE WAYS TO HONOR CHILDREN’S BOUNDARIES.
• Make PEACE WITH THE “NO.”
• Ask, “Is this a good time to let my child PRACTICE BOUNDARY-SETTING?”
• SET THE SCENE for friends and family.
• Give FEELING ACKNOLWEDGERS.
• Be sure the limit is REASONABLE.
• KINDLY STATE THE LIMIT.
• Ask EMPOWERING QUESTIONS.
• Negotiate a MUTUAL AGREEMENT around the limit.
• For simple challenges, create an INFORMAL WIN-WIN.
• For complicated/persistent challenges, schedule a FORMAL ROUNDTABLE.
• UPHOLD MUTUAL AGREEMENTS in three steps.
• Hold FAMILY MEETINGS.
Examples of the ParentShift Solutions Process in Action
A challenge or conflict can arise over absolutely anything or nothing at all. Some problems are relatively simple and require very few steps to solve them; some require more thought, time, and frankly, more work.
Here we offer some hypothetical scenarios based the on ten of the most common family challenges, as reported by respondents to our 2017 parenting survey.
1. Use of electronics
2. Getting ready in the morning
3. Sibling conflicts
4. Bedtime
5. Stubbornness
6. Power struggles
7. Chores
8. Mealtime
9. Homework
10. Temper tantrums
Keep in mind, these are examples based on specific narratives. Depending on your unique child, situation, and perspective, we would expect you to make different conclusions and choose different tools.
Scenario #1: Use of Electronics (Age Four)
Your four-year-old has been enjoying his new iPad for the last two months. Already he seems like an addict. When you tell him it’s time to put the device away, he turns into a being from another planet. You also notice that he is much more irritable and short-tempered than he used to be. He rarely plays with his toys and has been hitting his sister more often when they play.
First, you CHECK YOUR CHILD’S DEVELOPMENTAL STAGE and realize your son is a bit too young for the iPad (Stages & Temperaments Toolkit). You FALL ON YOUR SWORD, admitting to yourself you made a mistake and were using the iPad to keep him busy during the day (Self-Reflection Toolkit). You discuss the situation with your spouse and decide that the iPad needs to “go-away” or “disappear” in the best interest of your son. When he asks for the device the next day, you tell him it’s not around anymore. He cries and whines for the next few days. You give lots of FEELING ACKNOWLEDGERS (Empathy Toolkit) while still HOLDING THE LIMIT (Limits Toolkit). At times your son tantrums, and you REMEMBER THE THREE STAGES OF A TANTRUM and use STOP, DROP, ZERO TALK to help him through the tough moments (Child-Regulation Toolkit).
A week later your son is happy and peaceful while playing with his toys and his sister.
Scenario #2: Use of Electronics (Age Fifteen)
Your fifteen-year-old has been consumed with the social-media apps on her phone, even while eating and doing homework. In the past, you have scolded, punished, and taken away her phone, but these have all caused friction in the relationship. You’re concerned that the phone use, as well as the emotional distance between you and your child, is causing her to disconnect from the family. You decide to approach things differently this time.
First, you address the relationship problem. You take your daughter on a ONE-ON-ONE DATE—to a bowling alley and her favorite burger stand (Needs Toolkit). On the date, she opens up to you about a boy she likes at school and how he doesn’t seem interested in her. You have lots of advice you’d like to pass on but recognize this is a child-owned challenge and decide instead to offer FEELING ACKNOWLEDGERS (Empathy Toolkit). She tells you about other things that are bothering her.
A few days later, when you are feeling connected to your child, you tell her you are concerned about her cell-phone use and schedule time to discuss the matter at a FORMAL ROUNDTABLE (Limits Toolkit). During the roundtable, you FALL ON YOUR SWORD, admitting you’ve been a poor role model in this area and how distracted you’ve been with work lately. You also admit you have “checked out” yourself by watching too much TV (Self-Reflection Toolkit). You then share with her all your concerns about her social-media use and your fear about her future if she continues without some changes. At first she is defensive. You listen to her views and give her FEELING ACKNOWLEDGERS. She then opens up and tells you she would like your help in getting control over her issue (Empathy Toolkit). You commence brainstorming some ways to address the issue and paring down your ideas to some workable solutions. You agree that if these solutions don’t work, either of you can ask to renegotiate a new agreement (Limits Toolkit). In the meantime, you continue to schedule ONE-ON-ONE DATES, offer GEMs, and keep her EMOTIONAL BANK ACCOUNT full (Needs Toolkit).
Your daughter shows immediate and marked improvement. She puts down her phone more often, talks to you more often, and seems altogether more “present” in your home.
Scenario #3: Getting Ready in the Morning (Age Six)
Your six-year-old has been dawdling in the morning before school. He knows that one of your limits is being ready on time in the morning, and you have tried holding that limit by using bribery, punishments, and threats. You’ve also, out of frustration, called him a “slowpoke.” You can tell these reactions are only making matters worse, while also damaging your relationship and his self-esteem. He continues to show up late to school, and you continue to show up late to work. You decide to shift gears.
You CHECK YOUR CHILD’S DEVELOPMENTAL STAGE and realize persistence and battles over getting dressed are common among six-year-olds. You also remember that, TEMPERAMENTALLY, he is highly persistent and difficult to distract from tasks. You ADJUST YOUR EXPECTATIONS, STOP LABELING, and commit to OFFERING ENCOURAGING WORDS. Instead of complaining, you begin saying things like, “You look so determined!” and “You enjoy staying focused!” (Stages & Temperaments Toolkits). You ask yourself the SIX SELF-REFLECTIVE QUESTIONS and recognize you’ve been asking too much of your child and projecting your own anxiety about being late onto him (Self-Reflection Toolkit).
Still, you need a plan. After school one day, you sit down for a formal roundtable with your son and brainstorm all the things he needs to do to be ready on time. After creating his list, he puts in order how he would like his morning to look (Limits Toolkit). Remembering his seven SPECIAL needs, you decide to add fun to the task; you go to the store and buy a colorful piece of tagboard, markers, and stickers so he can create his morning routine using words and pictures on his tagboard and hangs it on the bathroom mirror. Then you ask him an empowering question: “How can we make driving to school more fun?” After a bit more brainstorming, you both decide to sing made-up songs on the way to school in the morning (Needs Toolkit).
The result is an altogether more peaceful morning the next day. In fact, with only a couple of close calls, your child gets to school on time every day the following week.
Scenario #4: Sibling conflicts (Ages Seven and Nine)
Your two kids, ages seven and nine, want the latest, most popular, and fanciest scooter on the market. Each kid wants her own; they don’t want to share. Because all the other kids in the neighborhood have their own scooters, your girls feel they should get their own, too. The easiest thing to do for your peace of mind would be to buy each child her own scooter, but each scooter costs $100—and this doesn’t fit in your budget.
First, you identify your boundary: spending no more than $100. You decide the boundary is reasonable under the circumstances (Boundaries Toolkit). Then, you share this information with your kids. They immediately start teaming up on you about how no one shares a scooter in the neighborhood. You are triggered by this, so you Pause, Breathe, and Ask, “What do my children need in this moment?” (Self-Regulation Toolkit). After taking a few deep breaths and pouring yourself a cup of coffee, you are ready to give them feeling acknowledgers. You say, “I can hear how angry you are at me. I imagine you will be embarrassed when your friends see you sharing one scooter” (Empathy Toolkit). They continue to tell you even more reasons why this is a bad decision and say the ultimate, “You’re not fair!” This triggers you again, but you quickly identify the projection: Your dad was never fair with you growing up and always favored your older brother (Self-Reflection Toolkit). You continue to breathe deeply and remember to use your Q-TIP and quit taking it personally (Stages & Temperaments Toolkit). You get on their level and continue to be the container for their feelings (Empathy Toolkit). You even invite your kids to go for a walk with you down the street as a sensory experience to play at the park for a while (Self-Regulation Toolkit and Child-Regulation Toolkit).
When you get home, everyone is feeling better and you tell your kids you are willing to support them in brainstorming their options (Boundaries Toolkit). As a team, your kids come up with many ideas. They even consider buying an extra scooter using their own money. After some consideration, however, they decide to save their money and to share the one scooter.
Before dinner, you drive to the store with your kids to pick up the scooter. In the car, on the way home, they begin to bicker about the scooter. You recognize this as a Round I fight and stay out of it. You say nothing and think about what you will make for dinner (Sibling Revelry Toolkit). By the time you get home, however, things are heating up, and both kids are arguing vehemently about who gets to ride the scooter first in the morning. Following the Protocol for Mediating Round II Fights, you gently walk up to both of them, rubbing the small of their backs, and listen as they continue. When they begin to calm down, you ask each child, “How do you feel?” After feelings have been heard, you ask each child, “What do you want?” They decide to create a win-win with each other (Sibling Revelry Toolkit). They write out their agreement on a piece of paper and hang it on the refrigerator, agreeing that if they aren’t satisfied or have any other disagreements around the scooter, they’ll come back and work out the issues at a formal roundtable (Limits Toolkit).
Scenario #5: Bedtime (Age Four)
Bedtime has become a stressful and dreaded part of your parenting day. Your four-year old is resistant to getting ready for bed every night. And when he is finally ready for bed, he refuses to stay there and go to sleep. Every night ends in an hour-long conflict, involving yelling, tears, and hostility. You are exhausted and need a new plan.
You also suspect you may be dealing with a relationship problem. Between your sometimes long hours at work and a little sister cutting into your son’s time with you in the evening, it seems likely that his seven SPECIAL needs may not be getting met (Self-Reflection Toolkit). After looking to your own feelings of annoyance and irritation around bedtime, you determine that your child is experiencing Discouragement LeveL 1: Demands for Attention. But you also feel challenged by his behavior, which is consistent with Level 2: Power Struggles—and even, on occasion, feel shocked and hurt, consistent with Level 3: Displays of Revenge. You decide to start at the beginning—by doing everything you can to meet those underlying needs, particularly your son’s need for attention and power. Both you and your spouse take your son on one-on-one dates for ice cream and to the duck pond during the next week (Needs Toolkit). Then, when you are all calm and happy over the weekend, you sit down for a formal roundtable (or, rather a mini-roundtable, given that he’s four and his attention span is short). You help him create a chart with each step of the routine listed, and he chooses to place it next to his bed. You commit to being consistent about your limit of an 8:30 p.m. bedtime, and even agree to allow your son to keep a small reading light in his bed with books piled nearby that he can look at until he falls asleep. Also, you agree that he can listen to audiobooks with the lights out at night as he doses off and agree that if he comes out of his room you’ll simply walk him back to bed (Limits Toolkit).
The next few nights go relatively well until your son starts “forgetting” the routine. He gets out of bed and comes into the living room. Feeling irritated, you Pause, Breathe, and Ask, “What does my son need in this moment?” (Self-Regulation Toolkit). Remembering your agreement, you use silent attention. Avoiding eye contact and saying nothing, you calmly go to him, lead him gently back to his bed, and tuck him in (Demands for Attention Toolkit). Because he’s four and needs to make sure you are being consistent, he tests the limit—coming out of his room several more times. Each time, regardless of what he says or does, you greet him with the same calm, silent response. Over the next several days, you work hard to make sure his Emotional Bank Account is full (Needs Toolkit), while, at night, you keep up the routine (Limits Toolkit).
Things steadily improve and, soon, you have turned the corner and have your late evenings (mostly) to yourself again.
Scenario #6: Stubbornness (Age Three)
Your three-year-old wants to take her favorite book into the bath with her, but it’s a paper book that will get destroyed by the water.
You offer a few feeling acknowledgers (Empathy Toolkit), but she continues to demand the book with increasing vigor. Your first reaction is to worry that you’re raising a stubborn child who must get everything she wants when she wants it. But then you remember that persistence is a characteristic of three-year-olds and that your daughter is more emotionally intense than others (Stages & Temperaments Toolkit). So you hold the limit, telling her what to DO, not what to DON’T: “Paper books belong outside the bathtub.” (Limits Toolkit) Then you say, “You can take all your plastic books into the tub, and I will read your paper book outside the tub.” She fusses a bit more, but you simply offer feeling acknowledgers: “I wish we could put paper in the water, too! Ugh! So frustrating, right?” (Empathy Toolkit).
Soon, she has moved on and is playing happily again.
Scenario #7: Power Struggles (Age Ten)
You arrive at a soccer game for your eight-year-old and bring your ten-year-old to watch the game. After putting out chairs on the grass, you announce that it’s time to put on sunscreen. “No!” your ten-year-old yells.
You are feeling impatient because you’d like to watch the game and are about to grab her and do it yourself when you remember to Pause, Breathe, and Ask, “What does my child need in this moment?” (Self-regulation Toolkit). You remember that your daughter is temperamentally sensitive to certain smells and can’t stand the smell of the sunscreen (Stages & Temperaments Toolkit). You also make peace with the “no,” remembering that touching her without consent is a boundary-breaker (Boundaries Toolkit). You want to be a responder, not a reactor, so you give yourself a sensory experience, taking deep breaths and drinking some water, while considering your next move (Self-regulation Toolkit).
When you’re ready, you offer some feeling acknowledgers. “You hate the smell and the feel of sunscreen and are mad that I am making you put it on,” you say (Empathy Toolkit). Your daughter goes on to tell you the many reasons she dislikes the sunscreen and that she refuses to wear it, period. Recognizing that your feelings of being challenged mean that your daughter is in Discouragement Level Two: Power Struggles, you ask yourself, “How can I give my child more authentic power in this moment? What am I willing to give up to stop the struggle?” (Power Struggles Toolkit). You start by offering a concrete choice. “You have a choice,” you say. “You can wear the smelly sunscreen and sit in the sun, or you can sit in the shade by that big tree” (Needs Toolkit). Your daughter decides she will put on the sunscreen. Later that evening, you tell her that wearing sunscreen is a limit, and suggest an informal win-win: “Would you like to pick out an unscented sunscreen that you like at the market?” She says that would be a win for her, and you swing by the market after dinner (Limits Toolkit).
What started out as a heated challenge ended up being a positive experience for both of you.
Scenario #8: Chores (Age Thirteen)
Your thirteen-year-old snaps at you when you ask him to do his chores—and, come to think of it, he’s been snapping at you a lot lately.
It’s been a long day, and his attitude throws you out of the zone, so you excuse yourself for a minute to take some self-calming time (Self-Regulation Toolkit). While calming down, you check the developmental markers of thirteen-year-olds, and find that negativity is common (Stages & Temperaments Toolkit). Careful not to shame him for being normal, you gently bring up the chores again, offering feeling acknowledgers: “It seems like you are frustrated with your chores,” and, when he angrily accuses you of being a nagging, annoying mother all the time, you become the container and let him vent while continuing to use feeling acknowledgers. “I hear how furious you are. I bet you feel annoyed by my nagging,” you say (Empathy Toolkit).
After your child has given you a few connected cues—nodding, making eye contact, and sharing more deeply—you notice he is more calm. Next, you fall on your sword, admitting that the family chore system is not working and that you regret using chores and allowance as punishments and rewards in the past (Self-Reflection Toolkit). You also admit you haven’t been taking good care of yourself, and vow to carve out more time for SELF CARE (Needs Toolkit). You decide to hold a formal roundtable after your next family meeting and settle on a new system (Limits Toolkit).
In the meantime, because you were shocked and hurt by your son’s angry vents, you conclude that he was experiencing Discouragement Level 3: Displays of Revenge. For the next few days, you avoid punishments and feeling blockers, and forgive yourself for your past missteps (Revenge Toolkit). You also create as many GEMs as you can, and schedule a one-on-one date to see his favorite team play baseball (Needs Toolkit).
You continue to work on your relationship until he moves out of revenge and cooperates with the new chore system that you have all agreed to.
Scenario #9: Mealtime (Age Five)
You enjoy cooking and put a lot of time into creating a well-balanced meal for the whole family. Your five-year-old has just rejected your dinner by yelling, “I don’t like this, and it tastes yucky!”
You have the urge to tell her how hard you worked on the dinner and that she should be more grateful, but you hold your tongue after realizing the first thought is a feeling blocker (guilt) and the second is a projection (Self-Reflection Toolkit). You know your five-year-old can be selective about what she eats, so you use your Q-TIP and quit taking it personally (Stages & Temperaments Toolkit).
You decide a feeling acknowledger is in order. “I can hear how disappointed you are with the dinner tonight,” you say. “I bet you wish I had made hot dogs again.” Your daughter tells you she wants hot dogs every night. You continue to empathize with her and notice that you both are starting to feel better (Empathy Toolkit).
You recognize that making her eat a dinner she dislikes would not be honoring her boundaries and that getting up to prepare a second meal would not be honoring your boundaries, so you ask her an empowering question instead: “What could you make yourself for dinner without my help?” She says she can make toast, and get grapes and string cheese from the refrigerator. “That sounds like a win-win,” you say, and off she goes to make her own meal. Later, you both brainstorm all the things she can make when she doesn’t like the food that is being served (Boundaries Toolkit).
Scenario #10: Homework (Age Eleven)
Your eleven-year-old has come home with more homework than usual. After working at his math for more than an hour, he blows up, throwing his pencil down and complains loudly about how he hates school and hates math and hates his teacher.
This is out of the ordinary for your child, so you don’t immediately recognize it as either a relationship problem or a systems problem. But you still feel triggered, so you Pause, Breathe, and Ask, “What does my child need in this moment?” (Self-Regulation Toolkit). You realize in short order that he hasn’t eaten in a while, which is a big deal since your son is temperamentally prone to low blood sugar outbursts (Stages & Temperaments Toolkit). You decide to match his energy and offer feeling acknowledgers: “You’ve been working on this math for an hour! It makes so much sense that you would be frustrated!” (Empathy Toolkit). Because you’ve never used feeling acknowledgers before, your son seems disarmed by your response. You realize that, in doing the unexpected, you probably have prevented a power struggle from developing (Power Struggles Toolkit).
You realize you may have contributed to the problem by postponing dinner and offer him a quick sandwich to tide him over (Self-Reflection Toolkit).
An hour later, he voluntarily picks up his pencil and finishes his homework without complaint.
Scenario #11: Homework (Age Thirteen)
Your thirteen-year old has not been turning in all of her homework. She also has been lying about it to you, even though she knows you can access the teacher’s online gradebook. In the past you have found yourself punishing your daughter for lying and not completing her assignments. You have taken away her screen time and extracurricular activities. You have even grounded her on weekends, telling her she needs to stay in her room until she catches up on those overdue assignments.
You realize that your past reactions to her homework problems have damaged your relationship, lowered her self-esteem, and caused her to lie to you (Self-Reflection Toolkit). You also recognize that there are natural consequences to your child’s failure to turn in her homework and that those consequences are not unhealthy, unsafe, too long range, or in violation of your boundaries or limits. Therefore, this is a child-owned challenge. You decide to allow natural consequences to play out with regard to the homework (Child-Owned Challenge Toolkit).
The lying, though, is a parent-owned challenge because the natural consequence violates one of your boundaries: You expect honesty (Boundaries Toolkit).
You suspect your daughter’s dishonesty—and maybe even her homework problems—stem from all the feeling blockers you’ve been putting down over the last several months. You haven’t been allowing her to express her feelings, and she may be changing the form or target of her repressed feelings (Empathy Toolkit). You know your greatest influence as a parent is in the quality of your relationship, so you set up one-on-one dates to go ice-skating and out to dinner. Although you have to bite your tongue at times to keep from issuing feeling blockers or offering unwanted advice, you both have a great time (Needs Toolkit). You realize she wants to have more say over certain things—including what she wears, when she will do her chores, and how late she will stay up. You vow to set more reasonable limits in the future (Limits Toolkit).
One night, you bring up the subject of homework. She confides that she doesn’t think she’s smart and always has trouble getting her homework done on time. At first you feel the need to praise her (“You are smart!”) and to pity her and even rescue her by giving her advice, but you recognize that she’s experiencing the Discouragement Level Four: Displays of Inadequacy. You use feeling acknowledgers followed by encouraging phrases. You also decide to better model a can-do attitude and show more faith in her (Inadequacy Toolkit).
You fall on your sword, telling your daughter that you will no longer be checking her grades online and that she has complete responsibility for her schoolwork (Self-Reflection Toolkit). You let her know you are willing to assist her with homework, should she need it, on weeknights any time before 8 p.m. (Boundaries Toolkit).
You and your daughter both feel better about your new, improved relationship.
Scenario #12: Temper Tantrums (Age Three)
At a playgroup with other parents and children, your three-year-old gets angry at a child who won’t share her toy. He throws a temper tantrum—as he does a lot these days!—crying, kicking, and hitting you.
You move him away from the group, and your instinct is to tell him he must leave the playgroup if he doesn’t stop his behavior. Realizing you are both out of the zone, however, you Pause, Breathe, and Ask, “What does he need in this moment?” (Self-Regulation Toolkit). Ignoring the other moms and kids who are now looking at you, you remember the three stages of a tantrum and use Stop, Drop, Zero Talk. You stay close to him as his emotions run their course, while also keeping yourself safe from harm (Child-Regulation Toolkit). You also remember to use your Q-TIP and quit taking it personally, as temper tantrums are age-appropriate for three-year-olds (Stages & Temperaments Toolkit).
As soon as your son’s body begins to settle and his anger abates, you match his energy and use feeling acknowledgers—“I can see how angry you are; you really wanted to play with that toy!” you say. Then you pause, letting him express himself. “It makes sense that you felt angry!” you say. “I imagine you were really excited to have that toy” (Empathy Toolkit). You patiently sit with him, neither feeling sorry for him nor rushing him to feel better. When he is calm again, he asks if he can go play. “Sure,” you say.
You know you need to address the hitting and kicking—which YOU IDENTIFY AS A Boundary—but decide to table it for now. A couple of hours later, you broach the topic. “When you got mad earlier, your arms and legs wanted to kick me, didn’t they?” you say. You then ask an empowering question. “It’s not okay to hit or kick me, so what else you can do when you are feeling sad or mad?” You and your son brainstorm a list and hang it on the refrigerator (Limits Toolkit). You introduce him to the idea of a self-calming place, and the two of you make one for him under his desk later that night (Child-Regulation Toolkit).
The hitting and kicking continues from time to time, but you get better at anticipating when he is leaving the zone. When you see him becoming moody, you drop to his level, give him a sensory experience, and offer lots of genuine feeling acknowledgers (Empathy Toolkit). Sometimes he goes to his self-calming area; sometimes he doesn’t. Occasionally, when you find yourself working hard to stave off the tantrum, you switch gears and simply embrace the tantrum (Child-Regulation Toolkit).
Your son has always been good about “snapping back” to normal after a tantrum, and now, because you know how to handle it, you can “snap back” easier, too. Soon, the tantrums become both less intense and less frequent—until, in time, they disappear completely.
“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”
— Maya Angelou
In Conclusion
No problem—and no family—is exactly the same. The parenting tools you use to get you through each day will vary widely. But we hope these scenarios give you the idea. You can get through tough challenges without betraying your long-term goals. You can be kind and compassionate while also setting limits and ensuring your child follows those limits.
The solutions reached in each of these twelve scenarios are both practical and effective, while, at the same time, hitting all three of our benchmarks: They display win-win cooperation, enhance the parent-child relationship, and treat the child the way we would want to be treated in a similar situation.
And these are not just the benchmarks of a successful parent; they are the benchmarks of a successful person. Indeed, this is the idea we’d like to leave you with.
ParentShift is based on ten universal truths that go a long way toward explaining how kids work. But the truths aren’t just about kids; they’re about all of us. They explain how we work, too. In this way, understanding these truths not only brings us closer to our children—it brings us closer to ourselves. Honoring these truths not only makes us better parents—but better people.
Heart-centered parenting is a little like learning a foreign language. It doesn’t necessarily come easily to those of us raised in completely different ways. But if we stay the course and do our best, we can learn to speak it with an accent.
Our kids, meanwhile, with any luck at all, will be fluent. Our heart-centered parenting will give way to their heart-centered living—and maybe even, eventually, hopefully, to a more heart-centered world.