Preface
PART ONE—AT HOME
A Mom Looks at Forty
Happy-Meal Hostage
Fifties Home Economics Advice
Home-Depot Blues
Mama Celia’s Marriage Tips
Lady Viagra
If He’s So Sick, Why Am I So Tired?
Revenge of the Amish Friendship Bread
Total Woman This
Lazy Men
A Caveman Weekend
Fighting Still Bad for Relationships
Fad Diets—Great ’Til You Explode
The High School Reunion
Fleeing Floyd
Big Fake Breasts
When Did Redbook Get Trashy?
Working at Home—Sort Of
House Painting: “If You Want It Done Right”
I Can Quit Anytime I Like
Cat Toothbrushing or Me-oww!!
Box Queen
Time to Reclaim My Funny Skin?
PART TWO—THE SOUTH
Bless Your Heart, Tramp
Where Men Are Men—and Sometimes Women
That’s Mizzeriz to You, Kiddo!
Southerners vs. Snow
Southern Measurements: A Dab or a Teense?
Liddy Dole Doesn’t Snort
Hurricane Forecasting for Fun and Hysteria
Lard Is Good, Lard Is Great
Tales of the Redneck Woman
The Grits Gonna Rise Again
This Beer Was Made for Wearin’
Bridal Moms from Hell
Obituary Madness
Dear Losers: A Christmas Letter from Myra Sue
Carlos and Ruby
PART THREE—AND EVERYWHERE ELSE
Fake Dog Testicles
Mozart Means Absolutely Nuthin’
How to Marry a Multimillionaire (Doofus)
ATM Silliness Revealed
Mars Lander Woes
Fools for Fashion
I’ve Scanned, So Where’s My Check?
Tofu Shrinks Your Brain
Designer Kitty Litter
Clams, Flying, Batman, and Me
Card Shopping for My Gay Friend’s Dog
Congestion in the Cold Aisle
Fun with Realtors
Home-shopping Blues
Drowning in the Jury Pool
Stupid Bumper Stickers
Wrestlemania
Who’s Hinckley Gonna Visit?
A History Quiz for Our Young
Subarus and Lesbians
Commercial Appeal?
Barbie the Telemarketer
Negativity in the Workplace
Calling Mom from the Train Tracks
Al Gore in Campaign 2000: Too Sexy for Himself?
Fashion Takes a Holiday
Is That a Penis in the Petunias?
Acknowledgments