Overcoming Relationship Problems

Contents

Acknowledgments

Introduction by Professor Peter Cooper

PART 1: Relationships and Relationship Problems

1 About Relationships

• Introduction

• Couple relationships today

• The pressures on couple relationships

• Starting a relationship

• The family life-cycle

• The influence of the family of origin

• Cultural differences

• Financial and social pressures

• Sustaining a long-term relationship

• The end of a relationship: bereavement, separation or divorce

• Points to remember

2 Understanding Relationships: The Theories

• Introduction

• Putting the theories to work for relationship therapy

• Communication

• Negotiation

• Closeness, distance, dominance and submissiveness

• The parental couple and hierarchies

• Repetitive sequences

• Symbols and anniversaries

• The importance of balance

• Points to remember

3 Sex, Gender and the Couple

• Men and women: the similarities and differences

• Sexual drive, sexual desire

• Arousal and orgasm

• Spontaneity

• Expectations

• The effect of earlier experiences

• Sex and relationships: how they interact with each other

• Some suggestions for improvement in the sexual relationship

• Points to remember

4 Relationship Problems

• Introduction

• Attack and counter-attack

• Attack and withdrawal

• ‘You’re bossy!’ ‘No, I’m just being responsible’

• Planning versus flexibility

• Possessiveness and the question of fidelity

• Depression and overprotection

• Excitement versus peace

• Outside pressures

• Points to remember

PART 2: What to do About It

5 Self-help: Communicating and Negotiating

• Introduction

• How to talk safely together without arguing: timed discussions

• Good communication

• How to negotiate as a couple

• What if you are working alone on improving the relationship?

• Helping the improvements to last

• If there is no improvement using these ideas and techniques

• Points to remember

6 Self-help: Timetables, Arguments, Triangles and Maintaining the Boundaries

• When communicating and negotiating are all right but you still have a problem

• Whose problem is it?

• Closeness and distance

• Does one of you do things that the other one hates? Timetables may help

• Do you have difficulty in understanding (empathizing with) each other?

• Are you unable to have arguments and resolve them?

• Are you too isolated as a couple?

• Achieving a balance

• Triangles and boundary issues

• Triangles involving children

• Triangles involving family of origin

• Triangles involving friends, outside activities or work

• What if all this doesn’t work? The last resort

• Points to remember

PART 3: Special Situations

7 Coping with Sexual Problems

• Problems of desire and problems of sexual function

• How to discuss sexual difficulties

• Keeping your expectations realistic

• The exercise you could start with: relaxation and sensate focus

• Moving on: genital sensate focus

• Problems of sexual function

• Male sexual dysfunctions

• Female sexual dysfunctions

• Problems of desire (1): when the man wants sex more than the woman

• Problems of desire (2): when the woman wants sex more than the man

• Alternative strategies for sexual desire problems

• Points to remember

8 In Sickness and in Health

• Introduction

• Couples and physical illness

• Couples and psychiatric illnesses

• Schizophrenia and bipolar (manic depressive) disorder

• Stress and psychological problems affecting the relationship

• Alcohol and other substance abuse

• Conclusions

• Points to remember

9 Domestic Violence

• The nature of the problem

• How to reduce the violence: take responsibility, negotiate and communicate

• If the violence has already begun: use avoidance tactics

• What if you cannot control the violence?

• Points to remember

10 Divorce and Separation

• Introduction

• Think about it carefully and weigh the pros and cons

• How can divorce or separation be avoided?

• Ways to have a better divorce

• Points to remember

11 Blended Families (Step-families)

• Introduction

• Problems for the couple themselves

• Setting up a blended family

• Conclusions

• Points to remember

12 Establishing a Relationship

• Introduction

• How are you going to meet new people?

• What if you are shy, socially unskilled or afraid of close relationships?

• How much do you really want sex?

• Sexual orientation

• Moving from meeting to having a sexual relationship

• Declaring that you are in a serious relationship

• Is the new relationship good enough to commit yourselves to living together?

• Joint or separate activities – to share or not to share

• Shall we get married?

• How about having children?

• The family life-cycle

• Points to remember

Useful Addresses and Contact Points

Further Reading