Contents

WELCOME

PROLOGUE

CHAPTER ONE: FLOP SWEAT

CHAPTER TWO: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN… ME!

PART ONE: THE ROAD TO RONKONKOMA

CHAPTER 1: WELCOME TO MY WORLD

CHAPTER 2: A STRANGER IN AN EVEN STRANGER LAND

CHAPTER 3: JAMIE TO THE RESCUE!

CHAPTER 4: DOWN AND UP

CHAPTER 5: AND NOW—THE GOOD STUFF

CHAPTER 6: MY AFTER-SCHOOL SPECIAL

CHAPTER 7: THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE HOME (IF THERE WERE, THE AUTHORITIES WOULD SHUT IT DOWN)

CHAPTER 8: WITH BROTHERS LIKE THIS, WHO NEEDS ENEMIES?

CHAPTER 9: BRAINSTORMING!

CHAPTER 10: IT’S A SMALL BEACH, AFTER ALL

CHAPTER 11: SAND TRAPPED

CHAPTER 12: THERE’S NOTHING FINER THAN SATURDAY AT THE DINER

CHAPTER 13: FROM RUSSIA, WITH LOVE

CHAPTER 14: THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE HOME (SERIOUSLY, THERE ISN’T)

CHAPTER 15: HOME IS WHERE THE HEARTLESS BULLY IS

CHAPTER 16: ME AND MY CRAZY FRIENDS

CHAPTER 17: THE BIGGEST LOSER

CHAPTER 18: THE CRIP FROM CORNBALL

CHAPTER 19: MY LUNCH DATE

CHAPTER 20: WHY “PUBLIC SPEAKING” SHOULD BE CALLED “PUBLIC EXECUTION”

CHAPTER 21: FIRST AID FOR CHOKING VICTIMS

CHAPTER 22: THE LONG WAY HOME

CHAPTER 23: A BAD DREAM COME TRUE

CHAPTER 24: THANK GOODNESS MY DAD HAD A BROTHER

CHAPTER 25: HOME AGAIN, HOME AGAIN, JIGGITY-JIG…

CHAPTER 26: NEW YORK, NEW YORK (SO NICE, THEY NAMED IT TWICE)

CHAPTER 27: WELCOME TO THE COMEDY CAPITAL OF THE WORLD!

CHAPTER 28: RUDE AND CRUDE, WITH MY KIND OF ’TUDE

CHAPTER 29: A NEW WEEK, A NEW ME (EVEN THOUGH I LOOK A LOT LIKE THE OLD ME!)

CHAPTER 30: DOING HARD TIME

CHAPTER 31: SAYING THANKS UNTIL IT HURTS

CHAPTER 32: MY MYSTERY GIRL

CHAPTER 33: CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF BRAINSTORMS

CHAPTER 34: HOME IS WHERE THE LAUGHS AREN’T

CHAPTER 35: FINALLY, A GOOD DREAM

CHAPTER 36: HOW DO YOU GET TO RONKONKOMA? PRACTICE, PRACTICE, PRACTICE

CHAPTER 37: SNEAKING OUT OF TOWN

CHAPTER 38: YIKES! IT’S SHOWTIME!

CHAPTER 39: TAKING NO PRISONERS

CHAPTER 40: TIME CRAWLS WHEN YOU’RE DONE HAVING FUN

CHAPTER 41: MAY I HAVE THE ENVELOPE, PLEASE?

PART TWO: THE LONG, WINDING, TWISTING, CURVING, SLOPING, SLIPPERY-WHEN-WET ROAD HOME

CHAPTER 42: HERO FOR A DAY!

CHAPTER 43: OKAY, HALF A DAY

CHAPTER 44: COOL GIRL TO THE RESCUE

CHAPTER 45: NOTE TO SELF: TELL UNCLE FRANKIE!

CHAPTER 46: FEELING THE LOVE… AND JUST A LITTLE HATE

CHAPTER 47: TIME FOR A LITTLE Q&A

CHAPTER 48: NEW YUKS FOR NEW YORK

CHAPTER 49: DYING IN THE LIVING ROOM

CHAPTER 50: THAT’S ALL, FOLKS!

CHAPTER 51: I’M OFFICIALLY OFF THE CLOCK

CHAPTER 52: THE BIG (AND EXTREMELY CROWDED) DAY!

CHAPTER 53: MEETING THE PEOPLE I’M GOING TO LOSE TO

CHAPTER 54: THE SHOW MUST GO ON (SOMETIME SOON, PLEASE?)

CHAPTER 55: BATTER UP!

CHAPTER 56: BRINGING IT HOME!

CHAPTER 57: LOOK AT ME! I’M THE COMEDY KING OF THE WORLD!

CHAPTER 58: CASUALTIES OF COMEDY

CHAPTER 59: WAS IT SOMETHING I SAID?

CHAPTER 60: AN EVEN BIGGER (AND BETTER) SURPRISE

CHAPTER 61: REMEMBERING ANOTHER NIGHT

CHAPTER 62: I AM THE LUCKY ONE

CHAPTER 63: BACK TO SEMI-NORMAL

CHAPTER 64: ZOMBIES ON PARADE!

CHAPTER 65: MOB SCENE BY THE SEA

CHAPTER 66: A SUNDAY DRIVE INTO MY PAST

CHAPTER 67: LAUGHTER REALLY IS THE BEST MEDICINE

CHAPTER 68: AND NOW A WORD FROM OUR TORMENTOR

CHAPTER 69: THE ROAD TO WHATEVER COMES NEXT!

P.S. FROM JAMIE

A PREVIEW OF MIDDLE SCHOOL THE WORST YEARS OF MY LIFE

BOOKS BY JAMES PATTERSON